GO to sleep Cherise....
Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Blogging
I didn't plan on starting out this New Year on a bad note... but as life has dictated so many times in the past... SHIT HAPPENS.... I met this guy named Kentin a little over a month ago... HE was cool like a summer breeze. We talked and eventually met and began to hang out. In my opinion, He was everything that I would want in a man. Mind you I wasn't forcing anything. In fact, I was careful to keep my distance and allow space and room to grow. As the weeks pressed on ... situations seemed to be leading in one direction. I noticed myself thinking about more than usual... so I stopped! Dead in my tracks I STOPPED! I didn't want to lead myself on or him. I definitely didn't want to find myself in a situation where I was going to end of up hurt. I'd been there all too many times in the last 4 years to last a lifetime! I decided to try something totally from the norm ( at least for me).... I decided to xpress these feelings I was develoing. Basically, I told him I didn't feel comfortable having sex with him without knowing where this was going. I wasn't asking for a commitment, but I know I am not the type to sleep with him and the next man simultaneously..... and I'm also not into sharing ( at least men). I didn't know what to expect from him.
Well, I will tell you what I got... a bunch of bullshit lines! The usual I think we should be just friends bullshit... thus which prompted my previous blog. This totally hurt my feelings because I honestly thought he was a good guy. He was a complete gentleman from the start... well that all changed. Gone was MR. Nice Guy and enter Mr. Asshole. I attributed this change partially to the conversation we'd had on Sunday. I'd spoken with a few close male friends who'd brought a lot of points to light... then I'd been enlightened even more so by a few close female friends. I'd realized maybe I'd jumped the gun.... maybe he actually wasn't leading me on and I was just a little overly sensitive. SO I apologized as did he. I decided to continue a friendship with him.
Today.....
He started the conversation via text message this morning... it continued on all day long. We talked and talked... he actually has great conversation. We got on the subject of us... I mentioned to him I am NOT interested in changing him... my only goal is to provide him with a different experience.. I didn't expect anything... conversation continues on... and on into a sexual nature. He proceeds to tell me that he will not be engaging in any sexual contact with me because I am just too emotional... WHOA... I let it go by playfully responding... " I don't think you really want to do that"... and on goes the convesation... at some point the conversation took a wrong turn. I was dryly joking with him and he was taking it serious... ( oh boy does that sound familiar)... so I stop him DEAD IN HIS FUCKING TRACKS!!!
"Look, (I say)... I don't NEED u to fuck me nor anyone else.. there are plenty of men that WANT ME... " He responds, "Now u sound like a light skin gurl".... Ok... I'm tired of this shit .... First, he has some personal vendetta against light skin gurls... He believes we have bad attitudes and think we are entitled... SLOW THE FUCK DOWN BROTHA! First off! I don't feel I am entitled to anything.. I work EVERYDAY.. Secondly, I try and treat people as I wish to be treated... My attitude has nothing to do with the fact that I am light skinned.
Ok, so now he's mad... (although claiming NOT to be) He's threatening to insult me... (saying he won't but he can) I politely remind him how immature that is and advise him I've done NOTHING to him... He says... "well... I didn't say u did, but you're annoying me by asking the same question and making the same statements.."( he is referring to the not having sex with me part)... Ok... big misunderstanding.. I was joking and laughing.. shit, he laughed too...
How did we get here?
Don't know ... what I do know is I log onto Myspace and he's deleted me from his list.. LMAO .. Wow that is immature.. WTF? He's showing me.. I mean, I could say a lot of things right? But guess what I learned tonight...
#1. I still LOVE Aaron
#2. I am beautiful, intelligent and way too good to be treated like shit
#3.SOME Men are fucking immature!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#4.My heart no longer exists
#5.I am just fine being ALONE
#6.Never reveal too much too soon
#7. Never put too much into one person.. you'll always be let down (thanks Arlyn)
#8.Most people take my kindness for a weakness.
#9. I knew I didn't want to get on his bad side... HA!
So with that being said... I guess it's safe to say he won't be speaking to me anymore.. I told Joyce today was going to be a horrible day.... LMAO
P.S. Hey K... Thanks for the VS... ;) I will think of u everytime I put them on... LMAO
11:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
January 11, 2007
January 07, 2007
It's not you... it's me...
Someone PLEASE point me into the right direction. I can't, for the life of me fathom WHY I keep continuing to meet men that A. Are Liars and B.Want to Lie to me like I'm a fucking idiot and C. Think they can get away with hurting me without any consequence. In the begining I am smart, beautiful and cool to be around... but as soon as anything remotely intimate happens or the "conversation" tends to sway in the direction of ..."Where are we going with this".... I hear the same bullshit lines. I am sick and fucking tired of draining my life energy with idiots...!! Now, some may argue that this is a conscious choice I make... and that may very well be true, HOWEVER... by the time you've figured out they are liars and idiots it's too late... or you've already fallen in love with them.
I've been told I give too much too soon... or I reveal too much too soon. Ok, for the sake of arguement maybe I do. Just because I don't have some down low, alterior motive to dig into your pockets or trap you into becoming my husband doesn't mean I deserve to be walked on like a door mat! And so what if I let my emotions hang freely upon my shoulder for everyone to see. Is it a crime to be honest and forthcoming with exactly what I want and don't want? Furthermore, once I lay down my intentions isn't a man obligated to act accordingly to those intentions?
For example, If I tell you in the begining a casual fling is NOT an option, shouldn't YOU BE MAN ENOUGH to walk away if that's all you're looking for? It seems much worse to dip your spoon in the pudding for a taste and then leave the container open and exposed .... half eaten for the next person to come along. Leave well enough alone.
What's wrong with me?
I've entertained this question time upon time. Intially, I've pondered if losing weight would change my circumstances.. well, I've been at this gym thing for almost 5 months and nothing has changed except my physical appearance. Ok, well then emotionally I'm just fucked up. I've been through entirely too much in my short time on earth... maybe my mind has just had enough... Maybe, no one will ever get me. So I ask myself....
Cherise, do you love yourself? ( silence)
He, they, or them never will if you don't. True words. Easier said than done.
Black men... Grow up!
You can't spend your lives running from real commitments and love. Hiding in dark rooms for hours playing PS2 or 3... until you can't see straight. Your boys aren't be there when your 50 and your back goes out... She will.. if u give HER a chance... life if supposed to get easier as we age. In my opinion, MOST black men my age are more immature, lazy and simply irresponsible than when I was 18 years old! Notice I said MOST not all. Unfortunately, the small percentage that are about anything are either GAY.. taken, or not tall enough (lol), just joking... I'm really not that superficial. This shit sucks... And I give up.... Period, at least for now.
I've been told I give too much too soon... or I reveal too much too soon. Ok, for the sake of arguement maybe I do. Just because I don't have some down low, alterior motive to dig into your pockets or trap you into becoming my husband doesn't mean I deserve to be walked on like a door mat! And so what if I let my emotions hang freely upon my shoulder for everyone to see. Is it a crime to be honest and forthcoming with exactly what I want and don't want? Furthermore, once I lay down my intentions isn't a man obligated to act accordingly to those intentions?
For example, If I tell you in the begining a casual fling is NOT an option, shouldn't YOU BE MAN ENOUGH to walk away if that's all you're looking for? It seems much worse to dip your spoon in the pudding for a taste and then leave the container open and exposed .... half eaten for the next person to come along. Leave well enough alone.
What's wrong with me?
I've entertained this question time upon time. Intially, I've pondered if losing weight would change my circumstances.. well, I've been at this gym thing for almost 5 months and nothing has changed except my physical appearance. Ok, well then emotionally I'm just fucked up. I've been through entirely too much in my short time on earth... maybe my mind has just had enough... Maybe, no one will ever get me. So I ask myself....
Cherise, do you love yourself? ( silence)
He, they, or them never will if you don't. True words. Easier said than done.
Black men... Grow up!
You can't spend your lives running from real commitments and love. Hiding in dark rooms for hours playing PS2 or 3... until you can't see straight. Your boys aren't be there when your 50 and your back goes out... She will.. if u give HER a chance... life if supposed to get easier as we age. In my opinion, MOST black men my age are more immature, lazy and simply irresponsible than when I was 18 years old! Notice I said MOST not all. Unfortunately, the small percentage that are about anything are either GAY.. taken, or not tall enough (lol), just joking... I'm really not that superficial. This shit sucks... And I give up.... Period, at least for now.
December 30, 2006
*Another End to another year and yet I get better list*
1.What the hell happened to the last 364 days?
2. I swear it was just March
3. You know the song "Funny How time flies when you're having fun".... Oh Yea Almost forgot this part... "oooh babay"lol
4. Where do I start?
5.Moved back to Cali... Good or bad decision?
6.At this point I would have to say good... no great. I've accomplished a lot.
7.I have the best job I could ask for right now
8.Aaron and I are DONE!
9.Single = lonely, horny, cautious, did I say lonely and sometimes fun
10. the men I meet NEVER cease to amaze me
11.poetry book is finished! Any publishers out there???
12.baby daddys suck cock! nuff said
13. the impala is a dream and too fast for my passengers..sorry churchie!
14. turned 30 in May and it's definitely been flirty for the most part...still waiting on the increased sex drive. it comes and goes
15."Time to question our lifestyle, look how we live
Smokin weed like it ain't no thang, so even kids
wanna try now, they lie down and get ran through
Nobody watched 'em clockin the evil man do
Faced with the demons, addicted to hearin victims screamin
Guess we was evil since birth, product of cursed semens
Cause even our birthdays is cursed days" Tupac, Better Dayz"
16. That verse gets me everytime!
17. Why is it we only feed the needy during the holidays... ??
18.What, they ain't hungry the rest of the fucking year?
19. My son is in Jr High now... one the highlights of my year was being there on the 1st day school...
20. I didn't cry until I got to the car. The whole time I was remembering my 1st day of Jr. High
21.My mother was in the hospital with Cancer.... It's funny how some memories are sooo vivid
22. I used to feel so alone when I was his age and so out of place
23.My son is soo opposite ( I hope)
24.Everyday gets a little more easier.... in terms of letting him grow up.
25. Damn,... how the hell did 11 years just fly by??
26.Highlights of 2006... so Many...
27. The day I got the keys to my new apartment.... WHEW that was a long 6 months
28. The day I got the keys to my 06 Impala.. Good job Reese
29.The surprise party I gave Aaron... Seinfeld cake was outta this world... PRICELESS.
30.Being promoted at work.... because I deserved it..... shit!
31. Meeting ALL the wonderful new friends....
32. Churchie...."Now what I like about you,
is that your always so cool and comfortable
whenever im around
your someone I can talk to no, matter what im going through
im calling you cause i know you'll always be down
see what we had is so incrediable
that well never find it in anyone else
this thing that we share is so unbeliveable
that I want you all to myself" Musiq ...Forthenight
33.Kentin..."Turn me inside out
Make my heart speak ,need no one else
You're all I need ,Personality
Everything you do
Makes me love ,Everything 'bout you
Your smile, your style, is so fly
I can't deny
I gotta crush on you
And that's true indeed
And I'm diggin you
You make me believe " Aaliyah.. "One in a million"
34. Arlyn...."Whenever I'm down, I call on you my friend
A helping hand you lend, in my time of need
So I, I'm calling you now, just to make it through
What else can I do?
Won't you hear my plea" Brandy... Best Friend
35. D-e-e.... "I seen a rainbow yesterday
but too many storms have come and gone
leavin' a trace of not one god-given ray
is it like my life is 10 shades of grey?
i pray all 10 fade away
seldom praise Him for his sunny days
And like His promise is true
only my faith can undo
the many chances I blew
to bring my life to anew
clear blue and un-conditional skies
have dried the tears from my eyes
no more lonely cries"... TLC Waterfalls
36. Kenitra... "Nobody wants to fall
But we fall sometimes
Then you are there to catch us all
Everytime
You look beyond all my faults
Cuz you know I need
Another chance to get it right
You forgive me cuz I try" Mary Mary... I try
37. Teddy..."Attention
This is a interruption
Stay tuned for a message from the Godson
Jam, whoa Jam
Jam, jam, jam for me, Teddy
(Teddy's jam, yo)
Jam it jam, Teddy
Hey, ew, oh yeah " Guy.. Teddy's Jam Part III
38.Kai...."Anytime you feel the need
Call me when you're lonely
Cause everybody needs a friend
And I'll be yours if you're lonely
(And if you're all alone)
If you're all alone
And a friend you need
Like a river flows
You hurt, I'll bleed
If you can trust in me
We can find a way
Take away the pain
Time heals all things
Even a lonely state of mind
'cause happiness is oh so hard to find
If you're lonely I will be there " Janet... Lonely
39. I should have Arlyn make a mix of all those songs together.. That would be DOPE ( yup I said DOPE in 06, WHAT?)
40. Lately I've been thinking about all of the people who've touched my life...
41. Trechelle & Teri...."(What y'all want?)
Unconditional Love (no doubt)
Talking bout the stuff that don't wear off
It don't fade ..It'll last for all these crazy days
These crazy nights
Whether you wrong or you right
I'm a still love you
Still feel you ...Still there for you
No matter what (hehe)
You will always be in my heart
With unconditional love " 2pac Unconditional Love
42. Shamika.... "Love will be right here
Be right here , Right Here
Be Right Here
No fears , Have no fear
No tears, Love is here " SWV... Right here
43. Willie and Nakia... "Anytime you need a friend
I will be here ..You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright
When the shadows are closing in
And your spirit diminishing
Just remember you're not alone
And love will be there
To guide you home " Mariah Carey Anytime u need a friend
44.My Teejie...."I'm just playin the wall, I'm just playin the wall
Coolin with my niggaz on the right, hold tight
Late Friday night strobelight shine bright blind
Coolin at this party with the sugars on my mind
It's the sex patrol, the sex patrol
Yeah the young sis was stacked wicked, wanted me to kick it
Said I never dance, made advance outside
Took a glance to expect, Shorty was correct
so it seemed, her name Shavon, age seventeen
I flipped when I seen her eyes, bloodshot green
She said she wanted riches and a nigga with cash
Lex Land' or a Path', didn't know the half
I react to flip the script and get ill
My man Malik B kept telling me to relax
Diggin how you're livin on some unreal high
as I realize -- you're not that fly ".. The Roots U ain't Fly... ;)
45.and Aaron..."I wouldn't call in the midnight hour
I wouldn't tuck you in and turn the nightlight out
You would walk through the door and I wouldn't say hi
I would walk out the door and wouldn't say bye-bye
It's funny that I never thought about it that way
I never knew the things that I did not say
But you were lonely and you were hungry
And I was living in my own world
Thinking I'm a perfect lady
You should've told me
I wasn't small enough
You should've told me
I didn't call enough
But you led me on
And kept me going
And we never should've wasted this time
You should've told me
I wasn't wild enough
You should've told me
I didn't smile enough
What you had in my mind
Made me lose my mind
And we never should've wasted this time " Kelly Price.. U should've told me
46.So there it is.. My contribution to the end of 2006
47. to all the greats who passed this year... Gerald Levert, James Brown, Lou Rawls, Coretta Scott King... U will be missed
48.Hey, did anyone KNOW that Lionel from the Jeffersons died.. he was only 57... DAMN
49. 2006 was a year of growth for me.... I learned a lot.. joined the gym... started a new career.. finished my poetry book.. made some new friends.. moved on... and learned to LOVE ME...
50. In 2007.. I plan to be even sexier... Way too sexy for myspace in fact..(lol) I plan to travel and see the world... See ya there.. Happy New Year... Love, Cherise
2. I swear it was just March
3. You know the song "Funny How time flies when you're having fun".... Oh Yea Almost forgot this part... "oooh babay"lol
4. Where do I start?
5.Moved back to Cali... Good or bad decision?
6.At this point I would have to say good... no great. I've accomplished a lot.
7.I have the best job I could ask for right now
8.Aaron and I are DONE!
9.Single = lonely, horny, cautious, did I say lonely and sometimes fun
10. the men I meet NEVER cease to amaze me
11.poetry book is finished! Any publishers out there???
12.baby daddys suck cock! nuff said
13. the impala is a dream and too fast for my passengers..sorry churchie!
14. turned 30 in May and it's definitely been flirty for the most part...still waiting on the increased sex drive. it comes and goes
15."Time to question our lifestyle, look how we live
Smokin weed like it ain't no thang, so even kids
wanna try now, they lie down and get ran through
Nobody watched 'em clockin the evil man do
Faced with the demons, addicted to hearin victims screamin
Guess we was evil since birth, product of cursed semens
Cause even our birthdays is cursed days" Tupac, Better Dayz"
16. That verse gets me everytime!
17. Why is it we only feed the needy during the holidays... ??
18.What, they ain't hungry the rest of the fucking year?
19. My son is in Jr High now... one the highlights of my year was being there on the 1st day school...
20. I didn't cry until I got to the car. The whole time I was remembering my 1st day of Jr. High
21.My mother was in the hospital with Cancer.... It's funny how some memories are sooo vivid
22. I used to feel so alone when I was his age and so out of place
23.My son is soo opposite ( I hope)
24.Everyday gets a little more easier.... in terms of letting him grow up.
25. Damn,... how the hell did 11 years just fly by??
26.Highlights of 2006... so Many...
27. The day I got the keys to my new apartment.... WHEW that was a long 6 months
28. The day I got the keys to my 06 Impala.. Good job Reese
29.The surprise party I gave Aaron... Seinfeld cake was outta this world... PRICELESS.
30.Being promoted at work.... because I deserved it..... shit!
31. Meeting ALL the wonderful new friends....
32. Churchie...."Now what I like about you,
is that your always so cool and comfortable
whenever im around
your someone I can talk to no, matter what im going through
im calling you cause i know you'll always be down
see what we had is so incrediable
that well never find it in anyone else
this thing that we share is so unbeliveable
that I want you all to myself" Musiq ...Forthenight
33.Kentin..."Turn me inside out
Make my heart speak ,need no one else
You're all I need ,Personality
Everything you do
Makes me love ,Everything 'bout you
Your smile, your style, is so fly
I can't deny
I gotta crush on you
And that's true indeed
And I'm diggin you
You make me believe " Aaliyah.. "One in a million"
34. Arlyn...."Whenever I'm down, I call on you my friend
A helping hand you lend, in my time of need
So I, I'm calling you now, just to make it through
What else can I do?
Won't you hear my plea" Brandy... Best Friend
35. D-e-e.... "I seen a rainbow yesterday
but too many storms have come and gone
leavin' a trace of not one god-given ray
is it like my life is 10 shades of grey?
i pray all 10 fade away
seldom praise Him for his sunny days
And like His promise is true
only my faith can undo
the many chances I blew
to bring my life to anew
clear blue and un-conditional skies
have dried the tears from my eyes
no more lonely cries"... TLC Waterfalls
36. Kenitra... "Nobody wants to fall
But we fall sometimes
Then you are there to catch us all
Everytime
You look beyond all my faults
Cuz you know I need
Another chance to get it right
You forgive me cuz I try" Mary Mary... I try
37. Teddy..."Attention
This is a interruption
Stay tuned for a message from the Godson
Jam, whoa Jam
Jam, jam, jam for me, Teddy
(Teddy's jam, yo)
Jam it jam, Teddy
Hey, ew, oh yeah " Guy.. Teddy's Jam Part III
38.Kai...."Anytime you feel the need
Call me when you're lonely
Cause everybody needs a friend
And I'll be yours if you're lonely
(And if you're all alone)
If you're all alone
And a friend you need
Like a river flows
You hurt, I'll bleed
If you can trust in me
We can find a way
Take away the pain
Time heals all things
Even a lonely state of mind
'cause happiness is oh so hard to find
If you're lonely I will be there " Janet... Lonely
39. I should have Arlyn make a mix of all those songs together.. That would be DOPE ( yup I said DOPE in 06, WHAT?)
40. Lately I've been thinking about all of the people who've touched my life...
41. Trechelle & Teri...."(What y'all want?)
Unconditional Love (no doubt)
Talking bout the stuff that don't wear off
It don't fade ..It'll last for all these crazy days
These crazy nights
Whether you wrong or you right
I'm a still love you
Still feel you ...Still there for you
No matter what (hehe)
You will always be in my heart
With unconditional love " 2pac Unconditional Love
42. Shamika.... "Love will be right here
Be right here , Right Here
Be Right Here
No fears , Have no fear
No tears, Love is here " SWV... Right here
43. Willie and Nakia... "Anytime you need a friend
I will be here ..You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright
When the shadows are closing in
And your spirit diminishing
Just remember you're not alone
And love will be there
To guide you home " Mariah Carey Anytime u need a friend
44.My Teejie...."I'm just playin the wall, I'm just playin the wall
Coolin with my niggaz on the right, hold tight
Late Friday night strobelight shine bright blind
Coolin at this party with the sugars on my mind
It's the sex patrol, the sex patrol
Yeah the young sis was stacked wicked, wanted me to kick it
Said I never dance, made advance outside
Took a glance to expect, Shorty was correct
so it seemed, her name Shavon, age seventeen
I flipped when I seen her eyes, bloodshot green
She said she wanted riches and a nigga with cash
Lex Land' or a Path', didn't know the half
I react to flip the script and get ill
My man Malik B kept telling me to relax
Diggin how you're livin on some unreal high
as I realize -- you're not that fly ".. The Roots U ain't Fly... ;)
45.and Aaron..."I wouldn't call in the midnight hour
I wouldn't tuck you in and turn the nightlight out
You would walk through the door and I wouldn't say hi
I would walk out the door and wouldn't say bye-bye
It's funny that I never thought about it that way
I never knew the things that I did not say
But you were lonely and you were hungry
And I was living in my own world
Thinking I'm a perfect lady
You should've told me
I wasn't small enough
You should've told me
I didn't call enough
But you led me on
And kept me going
And we never should've wasted this time
You should've told me
I wasn't wild enough
You should've told me
I didn't smile enough
What you had in my mind
Made me lose my mind
And we never should've wasted this time " Kelly Price.. U should've told me
46.So there it is.. My contribution to the end of 2006
47. to all the greats who passed this year... Gerald Levert, James Brown, Lou Rawls, Coretta Scott King... U will be missed
48.Hey, did anyone KNOW that Lionel from the Jeffersons died.. he was only 57... DAMN
49. 2006 was a year of growth for me.... I learned a lot.. joined the gym... started a new career.. finished my poetry book.. made some new friends.. moved on... and learned to LOVE ME...
50. In 2007.. I plan to be even sexier... Way too sexy for myspace in fact..(lol) I plan to travel and see the world... See ya there.. Happy New Year... Love, Cherise
December 22, 2006
Ummm Hmmm...
I miss u already...
Isn't it amazing how people come in and out of our lives in the strangest ways, yet impact us in a huge way? I met someone about a month ago who was really the business. Smart, funny and not to mention drop dead gorgeous ( that always helps). But what made this wonderful man so amazing is that he made me feel absolutely beautiful. I so needed that right now in my life. He always called without me asking.. he always addressed me in the sweetest way and he made me LAUGH! I love it! I am so blessed that he crossed my path to become a life friend and although he's left my life physically for the time being... I am not sad at all. I feel like I was supposed to meet him.... So, Churchie... I will see u soon... have fun, stay blessed... and most of all stay YOU.. cuz you are wonderful... and Oh yea.. Gary ain't shit! hahahaha!
New beginings....
I'm learning to be beautiful, wonderful and cherished. Sometimes as women, we lose ourselves in low self esteem & the societal pressures on what beauty should be. The truth is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder... but the eyes need to begin with us. If we don't believe we're beautiful no one else will. It doesn't matter if you're skinny or big... short or tall, light or dark.. there is something about each and every one of us that is lovely... I put my faith and strength in the hands of a man.... and I lost myself as well as him. I've learned that my strength comes from inside...and my faith solidifies that strength. I believe in me and I KNOW that I am beautiful inside and out... and I GLOW!!! Even though I've hurt, abused, replaced and refused... I am still me.. and being Reese is something I never want to give up again. EVER!
Merry Christmas!
TO everyone that has touched my life.... my body and my soul... friend or foe.. Have a Merry Christmas..
Love, Cherise
Isn't it amazing how people come in and out of our lives in the strangest ways, yet impact us in a huge way? I met someone about a month ago who was really the business. Smart, funny and not to mention drop dead gorgeous ( that always helps). But what made this wonderful man so amazing is that he made me feel absolutely beautiful. I so needed that right now in my life. He always called without me asking.. he always addressed me in the sweetest way and he made me LAUGH! I love it! I am so blessed that he crossed my path to become a life friend and although he's left my life physically for the time being... I am not sad at all. I feel like I was supposed to meet him.... So, Churchie... I will see u soon... have fun, stay blessed... and most of all stay YOU.. cuz you are wonderful... and Oh yea.. Gary ain't shit! hahahaha!
New beginings....
I'm learning to be beautiful, wonderful and cherished. Sometimes as women, we lose ourselves in low self esteem & the societal pressures on what beauty should be. The truth is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder... but the eyes need to begin with us. If we don't believe we're beautiful no one else will. It doesn't matter if you're skinny or big... short or tall, light or dark.. there is something about each and every one of us that is lovely... I put my faith and strength in the hands of a man.... and I lost myself as well as him. I've learned that my strength comes from inside...and my faith solidifies that strength. I believe in me and I KNOW that I am beautiful inside and out... and I GLOW!!! Even though I've hurt, abused, replaced and refused... I am still me.. and being Reese is something I never want to give up again. EVER!
Merry Christmas!
TO everyone that has touched my life.... my body and my soul... friend or foe.. Have a Merry Christmas..
Love, Cherise
December 13, 2006
Emotionally Challenged>Emoshunalee Chalungd
She say, he say, they say... no one understands.
I do this to myself everytime I see him! I get emotional for no rational or legitmant reason... At least that is what all of my males friends think. I go over to his house last night because WE bought MarQuin a customer Bam Margera skate board that needs to be put together. We'd discussed this before hand and he agreed to put it together. Ok, No problem. I can do this w/o incident, right? WRONG! I get there and I have MarQuin call him because I truly TRY to avoid everything about HIM. He comes out and I get out of the car. I go to the trunk and I notice he is coughing. Now, this is NOT just an ordinary cough.. it's one of those rough, deep, heavy smoker kinda of coughs. I'm always concerned about him because RARELY does he go to the doctor... I mean, come on it's only been since July that we officially broke up ... FOR GOOD according to HIM. I still have many unresolved feelings for him. I comment on the cough and he says he's almost better... ( I think, yea right) more small talk follows. I mention New Years Eve and he immediately goes into this spew about he is going to be with "someone"... OK.. AND... slow down guy.. I didn't ASK you officially to go anywhere with me, I simply mentioned it. Doesn't he fucking care that this shit is EXTRA hard on me. He's been with me the last 3 Holiday seasons... He fucking proposed to me on New Year's Eve 2004... I realize I hate him ( ok more anger)
Well, needless to say that pisses me off big time. I get in my car and drive off! I get home and drop off Quin. I'm heading to the gym .... while I am driving the anger is just seething. ( side note.... i have a major problem holding onto unresolved anger) See, the reason I am even upset is WHY does he continue to tell me about HER? He's sent pics and made comments... OK I get it.. You're NOT coming back.. boo hoo wah wah... Poor Cherise is still in love... NOT... I love him ... but I'm not in love... and consequently I have dated since we've broken up... Anyhow, I call him and ask why does he feel the need to constantly through this random chic up to me? He knows I still love him... he knows I'm not over the situation... SO why for the love of god does he fucking torture me???
We're now in a full fledged arguement in which he proceeds to go through the list of all the shit he hates about me and OH yea how much of a hypocrite I am. For the sake of being fair to HIM... I will EXPOSE myself for who I truly am. For 3 years I have been friends with a dancer/stripper whatever u want to call him. I have confided in this person and there was even a time where we'd be together behind Aaron's back. Essentially nothing was going as far as intimately... That all changed 3 months ago. It was a one time thing that ended up in a disaster. Now, I am sure Aaron will agree I don't need to go into specifics, but it was pretty bad. I am actually ashamed of the entire situation. I confided in Aaron because #1 I trust him and #2 I didn't have anyone else to confide in at the time...
Again he is GREAT at throwing things up in my face. Next, he brings up Kevin.. who lives in Fucking Vegas.. HELLO.. ain't nothing happening with that! Finally, he discloses he is a subscriber to my blog and therefore KNOWS for a fact I've been involved with at LEAST 4 men.
Setting the record straight!
Yes I slept with Chris... Yes I have met apprx. 4- 5 men.. only 2 of which I've even SEEN... the rest I've talked to on the phone.. Yes, I was friends with Kai, but that's it! No I am NOT sleeping with 4 men.. Yes I seen Kevin a total of 2 times all of about 5 minutes because the rest of the time I was asleep in his bed... I went to Vegas to party! Yes, I would drop everything I am currently doing to have the family I desire.... HE promised we would work it out once I moved.. He said he needed time and there was no one else... NOW... all of a sudden there is SOMEONE...Ok we're YELLING ... or I am yelling. Actually he never broke his tone. I guess that is an indication that he is really "done with me" I hate him I say.. I wish he were dead... ( I didn't mean it) Since I am setting the record straight it is only fair to mention that I have been nothing but honest with HIM... and at no time am I asking him to consider reconciling... I am just asking for honesty.. which is what I should have gotten from the begining. It's not the point that he is moving on... but he's lied and then he throws it in my face to hurt me... INTENTIONALLY. Thus the comment he made.. "Cherise I can fuck u whenever I want.. I can have u whenever I want" WOW... That is simply too much power!
Bombs over Bagdad!
Several hang-ups and insults later.. he calmly says, "Cherise, my girlfriend is coming here for a week... we plan to get pregnant during this week... then next month I will be moving into HER home... lastly we will be married in the summer"... I'm sitting in the Gym locker room when he says this. I remember my face becoming very hot... then the tears dropped one by one until they overflowed like a flooded river. WHAT? Is this the same woman you've met once? The same person you really don't know.. What happened to that song and dance about you need to get you together.. You want to OWN something and you could never just marry some random broad?? HUH? Who the fuck am I talking to.. you have to be kidding me. I wanted to say KNOCK it off Aaron... stop playing? We just passed our one year anniversary for losing our twin baby girls... Remember me, Cherise? Pooh? Phatty? Do u recall where you've been for the last 4 years.. close your eyes and think back to our 1st Christmas or our 1st kiss...Sunday breakfast.. Midnight Walmart runs... ice cream and chocolate syrup? My poetry.. My eyes... my heart... the surprise party I gave u with the Seinfeld cake... The night u asked me to be your wife? What happened? How will she KNOW you like I know u..... How can you hurt me like this... for every bad moment, there have been 1000 wonderful moments... Remember when I lost the babies and we went to the zoo... I was in so much pain, but you did everything you could to make me feel good. We were standing in front of that big ass rhino, when this lady came up and said, You guys make a beautiful couple... who are u? Now I am NOT your family.. MarQuin in NOT your son. I'm in awe at your indifference...
( this is what I wanted to say.. but I didn't, instead I spewed off some angry rants)
I'm doing just fine.
Today was a slow, horrible day. I cried a million times. I listened to Arlyn tell me I am beautiful and loved and wonderful... ( love yourself cherise) Truthfully, Aaron and I don't work. But as a woman, I've always hoped we could.... WHY? Because I love him so... he is the best part of me in the worst way. He KNOWS me when I've lost who I am. He grounds me when I fly too high in the clouds. He has the right to move on... and I have the right to be hurt. I fell so hard today. I left work early and went for a drive... ended up at LBCC...then at the gym. I worked out until I almost passed out. Then I came home and cooked for my little boy. He is my everything. HE is WHO I should live for... but what happens when he grows up and leaves me too... will I be back in this dark place again? I am thinking the only way to release HIM from this hold he has around my heart is to leave California...separate myself completely from him. Then my mind says tells me this isn't very realistic. Whoa... this is hard. Who knew he would really leave....
I do this to myself everytime I see him! I get emotional for no rational or legitmant reason... At least that is what all of my males friends think. I go over to his house last night because WE bought MarQuin a customer Bam Margera skate board that needs to be put together. We'd discussed this before hand and he agreed to put it together. Ok, No problem. I can do this w/o incident, right? WRONG! I get there and I have MarQuin call him because I truly TRY to avoid everything about HIM. He comes out and I get out of the car. I go to the trunk and I notice he is coughing. Now, this is NOT just an ordinary cough.. it's one of those rough, deep, heavy smoker kinda of coughs. I'm always concerned about him because RARELY does he go to the doctor... I mean, come on it's only been since July that we officially broke up ... FOR GOOD according to HIM. I still have many unresolved feelings for him. I comment on the cough and he says he's almost better... ( I think, yea right) more small talk follows. I mention New Years Eve and he immediately goes into this spew about he is going to be with "someone"... OK.. AND... slow down guy.. I didn't ASK you officially to go anywhere with me, I simply mentioned it. Doesn't he fucking care that this shit is EXTRA hard on me. He's been with me the last 3 Holiday seasons... He fucking proposed to me on New Year's Eve 2004... I realize I hate him ( ok more anger)
Well, needless to say that pisses me off big time. I get in my car and drive off! I get home and drop off Quin. I'm heading to the gym .... while I am driving the anger is just seething. ( side note.... i have a major problem holding onto unresolved anger) See, the reason I am even upset is WHY does he continue to tell me about HER? He's sent pics and made comments... OK I get it.. You're NOT coming back.. boo hoo wah wah... Poor Cherise is still in love... NOT... I love him ... but I'm not in love... and consequently I have dated since we've broken up... Anyhow, I call him and ask why does he feel the need to constantly through this random chic up to me? He knows I still love him... he knows I'm not over the situation... SO why for the love of god does he fucking torture me???
We're now in a full fledged arguement in which he proceeds to go through the list of all the shit he hates about me and OH yea how much of a hypocrite I am. For the sake of being fair to HIM... I will EXPOSE myself for who I truly am. For 3 years I have been friends with a dancer/stripper whatever u want to call him. I have confided in this person and there was even a time where we'd be together behind Aaron's back. Essentially nothing was going as far as intimately... That all changed 3 months ago. It was a one time thing that ended up in a disaster. Now, I am sure Aaron will agree I don't need to go into specifics, but it was pretty bad. I am actually ashamed of the entire situation. I confided in Aaron because #1 I trust him and #2 I didn't have anyone else to confide in at the time...
Again he is GREAT at throwing things up in my face. Next, he brings up Kevin.. who lives in Fucking Vegas.. HELLO.. ain't nothing happening with that! Finally, he discloses he is a subscriber to my blog and therefore KNOWS for a fact I've been involved with at LEAST 4 men.
Setting the record straight!
Yes I slept with Chris... Yes I have met apprx. 4- 5 men.. only 2 of which I've even SEEN... the rest I've talked to on the phone.. Yes, I was friends with Kai, but that's it! No I am NOT sleeping with 4 men.. Yes I seen Kevin a total of 2 times all of about 5 minutes because the rest of the time I was asleep in his bed... I went to Vegas to party! Yes, I would drop everything I am currently doing to have the family I desire.... HE promised we would work it out once I moved.. He said he needed time and there was no one else... NOW... all of a sudden there is SOMEONE...Ok we're YELLING ... or I am yelling. Actually he never broke his tone. I guess that is an indication that he is really "done with me" I hate him I say.. I wish he were dead... ( I didn't mean it) Since I am setting the record straight it is only fair to mention that I have been nothing but honest with HIM... and at no time am I asking him to consider reconciling... I am just asking for honesty.. which is what I should have gotten from the begining. It's not the point that he is moving on... but he's lied and then he throws it in my face to hurt me... INTENTIONALLY. Thus the comment he made.. "Cherise I can fuck u whenever I want.. I can have u whenever I want" WOW... That is simply too much power!
Bombs over Bagdad!
Several hang-ups and insults later.. he calmly says, "Cherise, my girlfriend is coming here for a week... we plan to get pregnant during this week... then next month I will be moving into HER home... lastly we will be married in the summer"... I'm sitting in the Gym locker room when he says this. I remember my face becoming very hot... then the tears dropped one by one until they overflowed like a flooded river. WHAT? Is this the same woman you've met once? The same person you really don't know.. What happened to that song and dance about you need to get you together.. You want to OWN something and you could never just marry some random broad?? HUH? Who the fuck am I talking to.. you have to be kidding me. I wanted to say KNOCK it off Aaron... stop playing? We just passed our one year anniversary for losing our twin baby girls... Remember me, Cherise? Pooh? Phatty? Do u recall where you've been for the last 4 years.. close your eyes and think back to our 1st Christmas or our 1st kiss...Sunday breakfast.. Midnight Walmart runs... ice cream and chocolate syrup? My poetry.. My eyes... my heart... the surprise party I gave u with the Seinfeld cake... The night u asked me to be your wife? What happened? How will she KNOW you like I know u..... How can you hurt me like this... for every bad moment, there have been 1000 wonderful moments... Remember when I lost the babies and we went to the zoo... I was in so much pain, but you did everything you could to make me feel good. We were standing in front of that big ass rhino, when this lady came up and said, You guys make a beautiful couple... who are u? Now I am NOT your family.. MarQuin in NOT your son. I'm in awe at your indifference...
( this is what I wanted to say.. but I didn't, instead I spewed off some angry rants)
I'm doing just fine.
Today was a slow, horrible day. I cried a million times. I listened to Arlyn tell me I am beautiful and loved and wonderful... ( love yourself cherise) Truthfully, Aaron and I don't work. But as a woman, I've always hoped we could.... WHY? Because I love him so... he is the best part of me in the worst way. He KNOWS me when I've lost who I am. He grounds me when I fly too high in the clouds. He has the right to move on... and I have the right to be hurt. I fell so hard today. I left work early and went for a drive... ended up at LBCC...then at the gym. I worked out until I almost passed out. Then I came home and cooked for my little boy. He is my everything. HE is WHO I should live for... but what happens when he grows up and leaves me too... will I be back in this dark place again? I am thinking the only way to release HIM from this hold he has around my heart is to leave California...separate myself completely from him. Then my mind says tells me this isn't very realistic. Whoa... this is hard. Who knew he would really leave....
December 10, 2006
Here I go again.
Too good to be true....
It always feels the same....
I've been giving myself room to grow as of late. Attempting to accept it's over between "HIM" and I .... and allowing room for moving on. I will say with every day, the pain gets a lil easier to deal with. I met this really beautiful man. So beautiful in fact, that I almost wonder if he's too good to be true. I do this to myself a lot.....you know, second guess myself.... I Wonder WHY does he like me... and then it happens all over again...I get hurt over thinking the situation and letting a perfect opportunity pass me by. I'm so goal orientated right now and even though I sing that song and dance about I don't want a man... or need a man.. it's a BIG FAT LIE! Sorry.... I think I've said this before... this is not my area of honesty.
His smell on my pillow.
Now, back to this beautiful man. For the sake of anonymity, I will leave all names out of this blog, but my Arlyn KNOWS exactly what's up.... ( ya'll know he's taking over my page... gotta love Arlyn... he's a real sweetie...even when he doesn't GIVE ME MY WAY...) LMAO Ok, I'm focused now. Anyhow, this man makes me laugh like no other I've met as of yet... he's tall and an absolute vision of perfection. Problem is circumstances as they may will prevent us from spending any time for quite some time. The time I've spent hanging out with him and talking on the phone has been real cool. HE doesn't expect anything from me and I like that. He isn't NOSEY or ask any questions about my ex... although he is a big scardy cat when it comes to fast driving on slick, wet roads.. ;) I like him, but I'm hiding it real well. I don't like getting attached.. (refer back to the crush on you know who... and u see how that turned out). I would like to get closer to him, but I've already judged and juried him. Some of you may not know what that means, so let me explain. He's gorgeous... he's successful and women are abundant in his world... How could I EVER make a difference in his life? ( there I go second guessing myself again) He makes me feel so beautiful next to him.. and he smells so fucking good. Sometimes you men don't know how far little things can go with a woman. Honestly, his sense of humor is what got me..... the laughter is what I really need now in my life... the space to grow and the opportunity to be just Cherise ( Reese). I truly believe he can give me that.... Guess my timing is off again ( so what's new?).
This morning....
I felt strange . I missed "HIM"... but I wanted to get closer to "HIM". I backed off and shut down. Was I wrong? Did I give too much of myself too soon.. or did I give too little?... either way it goes... "Every time I try to leave something keeps holding me back" It's my choice... so do I see any traveling on my horizon...?
It always feels the same....
I've been giving myself room to grow as of late. Attempting to accept it's over between "HIM" and I .... and allowing room for moving on. I will say with every day, the pain gets a lil easier to deal with. I met this really beautiful man. So beautiful in fact, that I almost wonder if he's too good to be true. I do this to myself a lot.....you know, second guess myself.... I Wonder WHY does he like me... and then it happens all over again...I get hurt over thinking the situation and letting a perfect opportunity pass me by. I'm so goal orientated right now and even though I sing that song and dance about I don't want a man... or need a man.. it's a BIG FAT LIE! Sorry.... I think I've said this before... this is not my area of honesty.
His smell on my pillow.
Now, back to this beautiful man. For the sake of anonymity, I will leave all names out of this blog, but my Arlyn KNOWS exactly what's up.... ( ya'll know he's taking over my page... gotta love Arlyn... he's a real sweetie...even when he doesn't GIVE ME MY WAY...) LMAO Ok, I'm focused now. Anyhow, this man makes me laugh like no other I've met as of yet... he's tall and an absolute vision of perfection. Problem is circumstances as they may will prevent us from spending any time for quite some time. The time I've spent hanging out with him and talking on the phone has been real cool. HE doesn't expect anything from me and I like that. He isn't NOSEY or ask any questions about my ex... although he is a big scardy cat when it comes to fast driving on slick, wet roads.. ;) I like him, but I'm hiding it real well. I don't like getting attached.. (refer back to the crush on you know who... and u see how that turned out). I would like to get closer to him, but I've already judged and juried him. Some of you may not know what that means, so let me explain. He's gorgeous... he's successful and women are abundant in his world... How could I EVER make a difference in his life? ( there I go second guessing myself again) He makes me feel so beautiful next to him.. and he smells so fucking good. Sometimes you men don't know how far little things can go with a woman. Honestly, his sense of humor is what got me..... the laughter is what I really need now in my life... the space to grow and the opportunity to be just Cherise ( Reese). I truly believe he can give me that.... Guess my timing is off again ( so what's new?).
This morning....
I felt strange . I missed "HIM"... but I wanted to get closer to "HIM". I backed off and shut down. Was I wrong? Did I give too much of myself too soon.. or did I give too little?... either way it goes... "Every time I try to leave something keeps holding me back" It's my choice... so do I see any traveling on my horizon...?
December 06, 2006
I can't make this shit up yo!
Wtf Long Beach.... The gym...
So I am at the gym doing my thang.. like I do everyday after work. I'm on the eliptical machine listening to my Janet when I notice Mr. Buff come strutting passed me. Dude is about 5'8, milk chocolate... more head than face and WHY black people WHY does he had a fade with a slicked down perm? WHY? He was hella buff.. so buff that it looked like someone injected him with SUPER steriods. I thought the veins may pop at any moment... besides his obvious unattractiveness I noticed the gear. Dude had on what appeared to be some suede mocassins and a suede vest to match... with some nike swishy pants... LMAO... Of Course I laughed....OUT FUCKING LOUD... Not to mention fake ass J-lo with the short shorts, who continues to walk past the weight lifters with her minimal boodie poked out....Oh yea, anorexic skinny chic is still hungry and weighing herself after every exercise attempt... we now have another chic that comes in the gym fully dressed and strips down to her hawaiian red biker shorts and half top right at the machine.. leaving her pile of clothes right there on the floor... Take yo ass to the locker room....I can't take much more....
Dating....
I've had some funny escapades lately... so funny that I won't even put anyone on blast, but you know who u are! Come on brotha's be honest, up front and sober when u meet me.... If I meet one more dude that's drunk, slurring...lying, crying...ect., ect., I'm gonna scream. I will say that dude from New York is Cool as a summer breeze.. When we met in person....I was impressed... And Church.... U sexy boy u sexy!! Too bad you're leaving for the ATL.. but we'll keep in touch.. Hopefully we can hang out again.... cuz u keep me laughing...glad I hustled your number at the HOB.. ;) My other friend... circumstances prevent anything more at this time... and every one else...I'm just having fun watching time fly and nigga's lie... LMAO
Pimps and ten speeds....
After the gym this evening I go to the gas station ( AS I'm Almost out of gas!)...I'm pumping my gas while the sounds of Jodeci serenade the brisk, night air.. suddenly I notice this strange apparition on the horizon... PLEASE black people... PLEASE! Understand I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP... I put the gas hose back on the pump and stepped away as to get a closer look... What do I see.??.. A slender figure resembling a cross between Snoop Dog and Cat Williams. He has a freshly curled perm with a top hat on ( as seen on Cat williams) a brown FUR coat & he's riding a yellow and blue ten speed fully equipped with yellow tennis balls in the spokes. I noticed he was carrying crutches ( WHY, I think to myself, would he be riding a bike AND carrying crutches, is he delivering them? Does he need them? Can't be if he is riding the bike) To finish off his distinctive look he adds a blunt in his mouth and proceeds through the intersection with caution .... allowing everyone around to bask in his glory.... Once Again.. I laughed.. OUT FUCKING LOUD... What the hell is going here. Why can't there be any normal people walking around? I'm done.. I really am!
So I am at the gym doing my thang.. like I do everyday after work. I'm on the eliptical machine listening to my Janet when I notice Mr. Buff come strutting passed me. Dude is about 5'8, milk chocolate... more head than face and WHY black people WHY does he had a fade with a slicked down perm? WHY? He was hella buff.. so buff that it looked like someone injected him with SUPER steriods. I thought the veins may pop at any moment... besides his obvious unattractiveness I noticed the gear. Dude had on what appeared to be some suede mocassins and a suede vest to match... with some nike swishy pants... LMAO... Of Course I laughed....OUT FUCKING LOUD... Not to mention fake ass J-lo with the short shorts, who continues to walk past the weight lifters with her minimal boodie poked out....Oh yea, anorexic skinny chic is still hungry and weighing herself after every exercise attempt... we now have another chic that comes in the gym fully dressed and strips down to her hawaiian red biker shorts and half top right at the machine.. leaving her pile of clothes right there on the floor... Take yo ass to the locker room....I can't take much more....
Dating....
I've had some funny escapades lately... so funny that I won't even put anyone on blast, but you know who u are! Come on brotha's be honest, up front and sober when u meet me.... If I meet one more dude that's drunk, slurring...lying, crying...ect., ect., I'm gonna scream. I will say that dude from New York is Cool as a summer breeze.. When we met in person....I was impressed... And Church.... U sexy boy u sexy!! Too bad you're leaving for the ATL.. but we'll keep in touch.. Hopefully we can hang out again.... cuz u keep me laughing...glad I hustled your number at the HOB.. ;) My other friend... circumstances prevent anything more at this time... and every one else...I'm just having fun watching time fly and nigga's lie... LMAO
Pimps and ten speeds....
After the gym this evening I go to the gas station ( AS I'm Almost out of gas!)...I'm pumping my gas while the sounds of Jodeci serenade the brisk, night air.. suddenly I notice this strange apparition on the horizon... PLEASE black people... PLEASE! Understand I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP... I put the gas hose back on the pump and stepped away as to get a closer look... What do I see.??.. A slender figure resembling a cross between Snoop Dog and Cat Williams. He has a freshly curled perm with a top hat on ( as seen on Cat williams) a brown FUR coat & he's riding a yellow and blue ten speed fully equipped with yellow tennis balls in the spokes. I noticed he was carrying crutches ( WHY, I think to myself, would he be riding a bike AND carrying crutches, is he delivering them? Does he need them? Can't be if he is riding the bike) To finish off his distinctive look he adds a blunt in his mouth and proceeds through the intersection with caution .... allowing everyone around to bask in his glory.... Once Again.. I laughed.. OUT FUCKING LOUD... What the hell is going here. Why can't there be any normal people walking around? I'm done.. I really am!
December 05, 2006
1day down... forever to go!
The realist shit I've ever wrote!
I've come to realize that writing is my savior. This gift I have for bringing words together into thoughts has literally kept me alive. Lately I've been very aware of myself and the person I was, am and striving to be... So I want to share some things that maybe I've never shared before... It may get a little deep.
I don't believe I've been the greatest person to a lot of people in my life. I think I started out as a caring, loving, honest person, but somehow down the line the baggage got too heavy. The memories are too deep and the anger resonates too close to the surface. I used to kiss my son everyday! I would hug him and tell him, " I love you more than the whole wide world"... Now I feel so far away from him. I hold back when I know I shouldn't. I kissed him for the first time in some years the other night. And I know right now is when he NEEDS me to be right there next to him. I don't know what happened?
Maybe it started with my lack of self love. That's why I had him in the first the place. So I could have love... fill a void.... be complete. Instead, I took on a responsibility I wasn't mature enough to handle. In the process my child suffered. Only recently have I begun the process of mending what is torn. I am sorry Marquin.. you deserved better than me. I don't think I've been a terrible mom.... but I know that I could've done a helluva lot better. The fortunate aspect of this is that my baby is only 11, so I still have time to LOVE him like he needs to be loved and teach him the right things.
Why did this happen to me?
When I was 16 I was raped.( not the 1st time and not the last time)but this situation I remember vividly. I was out there on the streets. Living with a man who was 4 years my senior and truly took advantage of my youth. For a long time I believed a lot of what happened to me back then was my own fault. I should've stayed home with my mom and my family. Something inside of me raged. I was angry and hurt and I felt so unloved. I never thought I was pretty and the only time I experienced relief was when I laid with a man. There was a boy... his name was Roosevelt Lett (this is my experience, so yes I am using REAL names) he was a year older than I. At the time he was the hottest thing walking. He was tall, 6'6 and beautiful. Whenever I had problems with my current boyfriend he was who I ran to ( some things NEVER change). One night, Isaac was acting really bad. He made me leave and I had no where to go. So I walked until I couldn't walk anymore, then I decided to call Roosevelt. He told me I could come to his house. He was living with his dad at the time and he really didn't care if he had girls over there. I got there and I was tired. Now, Roosevelt had a tendancy to be abusive to me, but I never really cared and I honestly don't know why. This night in particular he was really acting strange. He'd pulled my hair and thrown me into a wall. Maybe he was drunk or high... I don't know.... All I recall is at some point his father came home. He seen me sitting on the couch and commented on how beautiful I was. A few hours passed and Roosevelt comes to me and says I can't stay unless I do his father a favor. I was confused, but then I realized what he meant. There was NO WAY I would ever do that. So I began to grab my jacket and prepare myself for another night of wandering. Then he grabbed me... Next thing I know... I'm face down on a mattress. I could feel the pain spreading throughout my body. For a moment I thought I'd die. I couldn't breathe and when it was all over.. I was bleeding... crying and alone. I gathered my clothes and what was left of my dignity and I ran. When I got home I remember Isaac asking what happened to me. I remember him looking at me strange as if he knew instantly what happened. He put me in the shower and washed me. He vowed to murder whomever did this to me.. he apologized for making me leave.... he declared his love....all I remember thinking was no one loves me... this is all I am and all I am ever going to be. It seemed true... then.
Growing up.....
As I progressed on into Adulthood my anger grew seemingly more by the day. I remember my early 20s as countless fight after fight... non-stop arguements with my mom, strangers or friends. The men in my life never changed. There was always some abusive aspect to any relationship I was involved in, whether it be physical, mental or emotional. I don't believe as women, we realize how many different forms of abuse there are... and most times we inflict this abuse on ourselves... unknowingly. Right after I turned 25 I went through an emotional break-down. People close to me were dying.... I wasn't financially stable... I was here and there... looking and searching for something or anything to ground me. I decided to move to Las Vegas and it was the best decision I'd ever made.
I lived in Las Vegas for four years. During that time I settled into a comfortable life. I worked and took care of my son. I enjoyed the atomosphere and the people. It's during this time I met some of my closet friends. I learned how to be responsible and depend on me. I was a long road..... it's also where Aaron and I began. And who could ever forget Joseph. It wasn't always easy for me because my past always seemed to haunt me and hinder my progress. One of the hardest moments I've ever experienced was the day my nephew died. I was there.... watching this little innocent baby die. I seen him take his last breath and then it was quiet. At least in my mind because there were sounds of crying and screaming in the background, but all I heard was silence. I remember thinking how selfish I felt and relieved at the same time. I knew he wouldn't feel any pain anymore... but I know he deserved so much more. I felt like maybe I didn't do my part. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to him... maybe there was something I could've have done to make his life a little better. I wondered if my sister felt the same thing. And although we're not sisters by blood... we're sisters in pain, life and experience. I probably lost a piece of me that day.... something I can never get back.
My friends...... More like my family.
There are so many people that I've met and mingled with, good and bad. This is for those who are still around.... today.. hanging in there with my ups and downs. Let me name the people I am referring to... ( Trechelle, Teri, Shamika,Willie, Nakia,Saraan, Joe, Jermon, My Teej & Arlyn too)
I am sorry for the times I've lied to you or hurt you. For anytime I wasn't supportive or I talked behind your back or betrayed you in any way. I am thankful to have you in my life. Many of you have been here since the begining and watched me "evolve"... some of you are just begining to understand who I am. I love you all, more than these words can express. I only hope that as I grow older you all will be there with me on this journey. I want to be a better friend and a better person. Starting today as I can't make up for yesterday. We've had some wonderful times together.... and many more to come... .Reese
My family, ( mom, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.......
Many of you don't know me through no fault of your own, but there is always time to get to know me. It's a two way street. There is a saying, "Never judge a book by it's cover"... there is so much to explore within my chapters. Trust me! I am not exempt from this as well. I understand I need to spend time with my mother... and invite my sisters to do more with me.. but I need you to meet me half way.... sometimes I'm lonely and I have no one to turn to.. sometimes I want to die and I don't know why... sometimes I just want to say hey, I love you.. but I don't know how.. be patient with me as I grow and I will grant you the same courtesy.... my past is not my future.... Cherise
And Aaron.....
Where do I begin? There is so much I want to convey, but not enough time to do it. I want you to know that it wasn't all you and you weren't horrible. I've lied to you about unforgiveable things. I am sorry. I can't give you what you need and I can't make you happy... this is partly due because I don't love me and I don't make me happy. I wish you love, happiness and success. I wish I could instantly give you back what I took away. It wasn't your fault you walked into a black hole searching for the light. I understand clearly now what I have to do. The chapter titled, " Cherise and Aaron" is now closed. I only hope there can be a sequel.... one day. But not today.
In the future I hope to be able to sit down with you and talk... about nothing. Just life... not the past or the hurts or the pain, but just talk... like the friends we should've been. I won't continue to burden you with my roller coaster of emotions. Just know... that I know... one day it will be ok.
oh.. by the way.. I love u.
Cherise Joy Thomas.......
I'm breathing now.
I've come to realize that writing is my savior. This gift I have for bringing words together into thoughts has literally kept me alive. Lately I've been very aware of myself and the person I was, am and striving to be... So I want to share some things that maybe I've never shared before... It may get a little deep.
I don't believe I've been the greatest person to a lot of people in my life. I think I started out as a caring, loving, honest person, but somehow down the line the baggage got too heavy. The memories are too deep and the anger resonates too close to the surface. I used to kiss my son everyday! I would hug him and tell him, " I love you more than the whole wide world"... Now I feel so far away from him. I hold back when I know I shouldn't. I kissed him for the first time in some years the other night. And I know right now is when he NEEDS me to be right there next to him. I don't know what happened?
Maybe it started with my lack of self love. That's why I had him in the first the place. So I could have love... fill a void.... be complete. Instead, I took on a responsibility I wasn't mature enough to handle. In the process my child suffered. Only recently have I begun the process of mending what is torn. I am sorry Marquin.. you deserved better than me. I don't think I've been a terrible mom.... but I know that I could've done a helluva lot better. The fortunate aspect of this is that my baby is only 11, so I still have time to LOVE him like he needs to be loved and teach him the right things.
Why did this happen to me?
When I was 16 I was raped.( not the 1st time and not the last time)but this situation I remember vividly. I was out there on the streets. Living with a man who was 4 years my senior and truly took advantage of my youth. For a long time I believed a lot of what happened to me back then was my own fault. I should've stayed home with my mom and my family. Something inside of me raged. I was angry and hurt and I felt so unloved. I never thought I was pretty and the only time I experienced relief was when I laid with a man. There was a boy... his name was Roosevelt Lett (this is my experience, so yes I am using REAL names) he was a year older than I. At the time he was the hottest thing walking. He was tall, 6'6 and beautiful. Whenever I had problems with my current boyfriend he was who I ran to ( some things NEVER change). One night, Isaac was acting really bad. He made me leave and I had no where to go. So I walked until I couldn't walk anymore, then I decided to call Roosevelt. He told me I could come to his house. He was living with his dad at the time and he really didn't care if he had girls over there. I got there and I was tired. Now, Roosevelt had a tendancy to be abusive to me, but I never really cared and I honestly don't know why. This night in particular he was really acting strange. He'd pulled my hair and thrown me into a wall. Maybe he was drunk or high... I don't know.... All I recall is at some point his father came home. He seen me sitting on the couch and commented on how beautiful I was. A few hours passed and Roosevelt comes to me and says I can't stay unless I do his father a favor. I was confused, but then I realized what he meant. There was NO WAY I would ever do that. So I began to grab my jacket and prepare myself for another night of wandering. Then he grabbed me... Next thing I know... I'm face down on a mattress. I could feel the pain spreading throughout my body. For a moment I thought I'd die. I couldn't breathe and when it was all over.. I was bleeding... crying and alone. I gathered my clothes and what was left of my dignity and I ran. When I got home I remember Isaac asking what happened to me. I remember him looking at me strange as if he knew instantly what happened. He put me in the shower and washed me. He vowed to murder whomever did this to me.. he apologized for making me leave.... he declared his love....all I remember thinking was no one loves me... this is all I am and all I am ever going to be. It seemed true... then.
Growing up.....
As I progressed on into Adulthood my anger grew seemingly more by the day. I remember my early 20s as countless fight after fight... non-stop arguements with my mom, strangers or friends. The men in my life never changed. There was always some abusive aspect to any relationship I was involved in, whether it be physical, mental or emotional. I don't believe as women, we realize how many different forms of abuse there are... and most times we inflict this abuse on ourselves... unknowingly. Right after I turned 25 I went through an emotional break-down. People close to me were dying.... I wasn't financially stable... I was here and there... looking and searching for something or anything to ground me. I decided to move to Las Vegas and it was the best decision I'd ever made.
I lived in Las Vegas for four years. During that time I settled into a comfortable life. I worked and took care of my son. I enjoyed the atomosphere and the people. It's during this time I met some of my closet friends. I learned how to be responsible and depend on me. I was a long road..... it's also where Aaron and I began. And who could ever forget Joseph. It wasn't always easy for me because my past always seemed to haunt me and hinder my progress. One of the hardest moments I've ever experienced was the day my nephew died. I was there.... watching this little innocent baby die. I seen him take his last breath and then it was quiet. At least in my mind because there were sounds of crying and screaming in the background, but all I heard was silence. I remember thinking how selfish I felt and relieved at the same time. I knew he wouldn't feel any pain anymore... but I know he deserved so much more. I felt like maybe I didn't do my part. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to him... maybe there was something I could've have done to make his life a little better. I wondered if my sister felt the same thing. And although we're not sisters by blood... we're sisters in pain, life and experience. I probably lost a piece of me that day.... something I can never get back.
My friends...... More like my family.
There are so many people that I've met and mingled with, good and bad. This is for those who are still around.... today.. hanging in there with my ups and downs. Let me name the people I am referring to... ( Trechelle, Teri, Shamika,Willie, Nakia,Saraan, Joe, Jermon, My Teej & Arlyn too)
I am sorry for the times I've lied to you or hurt you. For anytime I wasn't supportive or I talked behind your back or betrayed you in any way. I am thankful to have you in my life. Many of you have been here since the begining and watched me "evolve"... some of you are just begining to understand who I am. I love you all, more than these words can express. I only hope that as I grow older you all will be there with me on this journey. I want to be a better friend and a better person. Starting today as I can't make up for yesterday. We've had some wonderful times together.... and many more to come... .Reese
My family, ( mom, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.......
Many of you don't know me through no fault of your own, but there is always time to get to know me. It's a two way street. There is a saying, "Never judge a book by it's cover"... there is so much to explore within my chapters. Trust me! I am not exempt from this as well. I understand I need to spend time with my mother... and invite my sisters to do more with me.. but I need you to meet me half way.... sometimes I'm lonely and I have no one to turn to.. sometimes I want to die and I don't know why... sometimes I just want to say hey, I love you.. but I don't know how.. be patient with me as I grow and I will grant you the same courtesy.... my past is not my future.... Cherise
And Aaron.....
Where do I begin? There is so much I want to convey, but not enough time to do it. I want you to know that it wasn't all you and you weren't horrible. I've lied to you about unforgiveable things. I am sorry. I can't give you what you need and I can't make you happy... this is partly due because I don't love me and I don't make me happy. I wish you love, happiness and success. I wish I could instantly give you back what I took away. It wasn't your fault you walked into a black hole searching for the light. I understand clearly now what I have to do. The chapter titled, " Cherise and Aaron" is now closed. I only hope there can be a sequel.... one day. But not today.
In the future I hope to be able to sit down with you and talk... about nothing. Just life... not the past or the hurts or the pain, but just talk... like the friends we should've been. I won't continue to burden you with my roller coaster of emotions. Just know... that I know... one day it will be ok.
oh.. by the way.. I love u.
Cherise Joy Thomas.......
I'm breathing now.
November 29, 2006
Ugly people.
Here's the deal. I've been to SEVERAL Myspace pages and before I start my rant, let me just say this... I don't think or feel I am the finest or the most attractive woman on Myspace, but dammit I'm close! LOL
Recently I've noticed a lot of myspacers are claiming to be bringing sexy back--------> NOT! You know damned well if you have an ugly ass friend that is up to no good. Stop pumping these unattractive trolls up, making their heads BIGGER than what they are.... then I'm forced to write shit like this. I have much better things to write about, but if I see one more ugly ass woman or man with a title that says, "I'm about to bring Sexy back"... dammit, Imma scream! It's bad enough I have to deal with the pompous, arrogant, napoleon complex negros approaching me like I should be thrilled to be in their presence. We don't need anymore naked 300 pounders, showing off their stretch marks with thongs and high heels on.... That's where I draw the line! True enough, beauty is in the EYES of the beholder, but come on people, everyone ain't beautiful.. There has to be some balance!
So, here's my advice. If you have an ugly friend or even a not so attractive friend, who insists upon sharing their unattractiveness with the world... Tell them to KNOCK IT OFF! Be honest with your friends... I know I'm not perfect ... and just today, Lomies ( the homie) told me I need to up the squats so my ass can lift up just a little bit more.. Now I appreciated that... I work out 4 times a week...BUT I think I will add one more day.. just for ass lifting work! Hey, if you can't be honest with your friends... then what the hell can you be?
Have a good week... Bitches... LMAO
Recently I've noticed a lot of myspacers are claiming to be bringing sexy back--------> NOT! You know damned well if you have an ugly ass friend that is up to no good. Stop pumping these unattractive trolls up, making their heads BIGGER than what they are.... then I'm forced to write shit like this. I have much better things to write about, but if I see one more ugly ass woman or man with a title that says, "I'm about to bring Sexy back"... dammit, Imma scream! It's bad enough I have to deal with the pompous, arrogant, napoleon complex negros approaching me like I should be thrilled to be in their presence. We don't need anymore naked 300 pounders, showing off their stretch marks with thongs and high heels on.... That's where I draw the line! True enough, beauty is in the EYES of the beholder, but come on people, everyone ain't beautiful.. There has to be some balance!
So, here's my advice. If you have an ugly friend or even a not so attractive friend, who insists upon sharing their unattractiveness with the world... Tell them to KNOCK IT OFF! Be honest with your friends... I know I'm not perfect ... and just today, Lomies ( the homie) told me I need to up the squats so my ass can lift up just a little bit more.. Now I appreciated that... I work out 4 times a week...BUT I think I will add one more day.. just for ass lifting work! Hey, if you can't be honest with your friends... then what the hell can you be?
Have a good week... Bitches... LMAO
November 25, 2006
It all comes back to love...
I'm SUPER tired. Been driving for like 7 hours back from AZ and then I hit up Walmart...
Well, I made it home for Thanksgiving and let me tell you, I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME. It's amazing to be around people that you haven't seen for years, but connect automatically when you do come back together... I guess that's why it's called Family. My cousins, Rob, Ryan and Kristin are my joys. WE had a ball... My cousin, Rob is like my other half and we have the tatts to match ;). I feel like I belong when I am with them. And there is nothing more hilarious than my grandmother! 75 years is a long time to be on the earth, so in my book she's entitled to talk shit.
I will say there was one piece missing in my Thanksgiving puzzle and that was Aaron. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel with this being our first Holiday away from one another in 3 years, but I got thru it ok. He did send a few texts to me and I appreciated that. I keep him close to my heart and that way I don't feel so alone. Well, I hope everyone had a great holiday!
My next stop is Chi- Town in about month.. Watch out Teej! Here I come! LMAO
Well, I made it home for Thanksgiving and let me tell you, I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME. It's amazing to be around people that you haven't seen for years, but connect automatically when you do come back together... I guess that's why it's called Family. My cousins, Rob, Ryan and Kristin are my joys. WE had a ball... My cousin, Rob is like my other half and we have the tatts to match ;). I feel like I belong when I am with them. And there is nothing more hilarious than my grandmother! 75 years is a long time to be on the earth, so in my book she's entitled to talk shit.
I will say there was one piece missing in my Thanksgiving puzzle and that was Aaron. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel with this being our first Holiday away from one another in 3 years, but I got thru it ok. He did send a few texts to me and I appreciated that. I keep him close to my heart and that way I don't feel so alone. Well, I hope everyone had a great holiday!
My next stop is Chi- Town in about month.. Watch out Teej! Here I come! LMAO
November 15, 2006
It all makes sense!
So I was talking to my biological father the other night.. and he was kicking some real knowledge about religion and so forth... we get on the subject of our ancestry. Now, understand I don't know my mother's family at all. I've never met her mother and the only person I consider myself in touch with as far as family is my Aunt Annie ( her sister). I don't know any of my other aunt's/uncle...at least not in person. My mother's mother immigrated here from Germany. From what I know, she was in a concentration camp. I don't know much more than that. I have been more acclimated with my father's side, although not very close to them either. I was raised by my step father, who is my daddy... his family has always been My family...
Anyhow, we're talking about my great-grand parents. My grandfather's parents were straight native americans. My great-grandma Thomas was Cherokee ( yea yea I know... ev'ry body says that, but it's true in my case) and my great- grand daddy was a black foot indian. My grandma's parents came from Mississippi. My great-grandma was black... a slave decendant and my great- granddaddy was from Haiti.. WHAT!! I'm part Haitian?
I was rolling. I told my dad, now it all makes sense... Ya'll know Haitians are crazy as hell.... see, if someone would have told me this years ago, I could have avoided a lot of grief... Anyway, just a lil family history..
Peace!
Anyhow, we're talking about my great-grand parents. My grandfather's parents were straight native americans. My great-grandma Thomas was Cherokee ( yea yea I know... ev'ry body says that, but it's true in my case) and my great- grand daddy was a black foot indian. My grandma's parents came from Mississippi. My great-grandma was black... a slave decendant and my great- granddaddy was from Haiti.. WHAT!! I'm part Haitian?
I was rolling. I told my dad, now it all makes sense... Ya'll know Haitians are crazy as hell.... see, if someone would have told me this years ago, I could have avoided a lot of grief... Anyway, just a lil family history..
Peace!
November 14, 2006
And she breathes again!
Last night I experienced a set back. It's my own fault really. For some reason, I refuse to let him go. He's definitely let go.. shit he threw me back in the ocean. LOL I love him no matter how hard I try not to. The feeling resonates in the pit of my soul.. hidden waiting to be exposed... *SIGH* Who knows how long it will take to get rid of all these"feelings". Even if I pretend that it doesn't bother that he's "seeing" someone else.. .oh and then he sends me pictures of her... and she's really pretty... but then again, so am I ( just a little horn toot for self esteems sake). I truly can't believe he says he loves her... Unconditionally? Well, I take that back.. yes I can. Maybe this is what he needs. Maybe she is better for him that I am. Maybe she can resolve all that anger and pain that resides inside of his brain... hey! I am NOT trying to rhyme... I just naturally flow... Either way, I let some of it go today. I didn't let it affect my day the way I normally would in the past. I suppose this is step forward... towards what some call, Healing? I'd rather crawl up in a little ball and die... but I must face the world and remain strong for my own good and that of my child. I was walking to my car the other morning and suddenly it hit me! What would MarQuin do without me? Who could EVER understand my child the way I do??... that is definitely my motivation to remain here long enough to see him through to adulthood. No man, however wonderful can step in and take my joy or my will to live. That is way to much power to give another individual over my life! I think I am really growing up. I notice so many differences each day....
Thank God for the sunshine.... and rainbows...and the rain... and fresh air... and friends that love you no matter what u look like or what you're going through.. So whoever or whatever reigns this universe... Thank u... I'm breathing again! Now.. I'm off to the Gym!
Thank God for the sunshine.... and rainbows...and the rain... and fresh air... and friends that love you no matter what u look like or what you're going through.. So whoever or whatever reigns this universe... Thank u... I'm breathing again! Now.. I'm off to the Gym!
FU Ck you... unconditional love!
I'm angry, hurt and happyWhy?U said that was her.,.. beauty in the photothe object of your now "Unconditional" love,but what happened to that love when you raised your hand to my face or wrapped your fingers around my throat in a blind filled rage?does she know that u loosely use the words bitch or hoeoh my bad.. .according to you... that was something that you've never had to do before me.which brings me back to everything..... that's transpired.Did u mention to her that you're a habitual liar...or maybe she believes this is all my fault...crazy ass fat girl stalking prince charming...Chasing strippers, getting pregnant while proclaiming my love.stupid girl... once again that's me.. or cherise...reesephatty... whatever u choose to call me.. Now, I understand the reasons behind your so called indifferenceYou're a joke....!!! making a mockery of my life and calling itdeliverence.. FUck You... And fuck her too...ya'll deserve each other... a baby... maybe two.. a house in the hills... and once you finish school... you'll become that big time lawyerwe discussed on many of dates. I can't fucking believe u.I'm laughing. Wait... or am I crying...I'm cutting my.......self off from you... becoming filled with hate, which is something I didn't wanna do.I can't think straight. Shit I cannot even write.. I just ramble and scrambleto make myself better...Than her.but I already am or have taken that journey down the path to nowhere only to find myself at the crossroads leading somewhereother than here.it's over.I see it now.I seen it then.back to square one again.How can I ever have love in my heart for another.I want to smother all of my emotions.away from my heart. kill themtake them a part.out of my soulnever to hurt like this... or feel this pain.or stab them until they bleed away.I fucking HATE YOU!BUt I love you,i'm confused.... i wanna kill her and them .. all of them.because they shouldn't have you... or your love.or your childrenor your time.im suppressed and confined in this dungeonof persecution.Living life in my dreams....reality a nightmare ...and it seems you don't comprehendwhat it does to me or you just don't care...to watchme suffer.over. and over.drowning in this sea of rejection.what happened to your protection.FUck you.. do u hear me?FUck you and me too!it's over for us ...it over for you.We're through.Are we?
November 12, 2006
Weekend blues....
I haven't done one productive activity today, well, I take that back, I did wash some clothes. Other than that, I sat on my ass all day.... watched some movies, cartoons, played around on myspace. As I write this, I have color sitting in my hair that definitely needs to come out... and I guess my point is.... IT FELT REAL GOOD TO DO NOTHING AT ALL!
Friday night was super crazy for me. I started out drinking with a bunch of friends from work. Now, for anyone that DOESN'T know me, I'm no drinker, so two drinks and I'm done. I happened to have oh about 4 ....which made me extremely DRUNK as hell. Then I ended up at some club shaking my ass. I needed that. It's been a long time since I just danced. I feel so clean after a good sweat, LMAO!
Saturday I hung out with my son all day. I swear he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I tell him everytime we go out to the store I am NOT buying him shit... well, he walked out of Albertson's with a brand new basketball hoop for his bedroom door... courtesy of me... yea I know... he's spoiled, but he's my ONLY SON!! That boy keeps me laughing. The older he gets the more he becomes my protector. How funny is that! Pretty soon he will be screening my calls... Oops! Yea he ALREADY does that... I get so sad when I drop him off with his dad because I miss him the second I drive away. He's so grown-up now.
Being single still sucks ass! I still have my down time... had some today. Boy, he is sticking to his guns. I know there is someone else. And I honestly didn't believe he would wait long... I'm soo replaceable.. NOT! LOL In time, he will come full circle and realize what I realized not too long ago.. .He and I are one... always have been and always will be... no matter what has transpired.. he cannot DENY this fact. Sad thing is, by the time he figures this out, it will be too late.
Thank mother nature for sunshine... I LOVE IT! The weather has been absolutely gorgeous!! Well, I am off to Vegas once again this weekend for yet another party.. Life is good.. can't complain YET.. I can only change me and for everything else... I adapt.
Have a great week!
Peace!
Friday night was super crazy for me. I started out drinking with a bunch of friends from work. Now, for anyone that DOESN'T know me, I'm no drinker, so two drinks and I'm done. I happened to have oh about 4 ....which made me extremely DRUNK as hell. Then I ended up at some club shaking my ass. I needed that. It's been a long time since I just danced. I feel so clean after a good sweat, LMAO!
Saturday I hung out with my son all day. I swear he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I tell him everytime we go out to the store I am NOT buying him shit... well, he walked out of Albertson's with a brand new basketball hoop for his bedroom door... courtesy of me... yea I know... he's spoiled, but he's my ONLY SON!! That boy keeps me laughing. The older he gets the more he becomes my protector. How funny is that! Pretty soon he will be screening my calls... Oops! Yea he ALREADY does that... I get so sad when I drop him off with his dad because I miss him the second I drive away. He's so grown-up now.
Being single still sucks ass! I still have my down time... had some today. Boy, he is sticking to his guns. I know there is someone else. And I honestly didn't believe he would wait long... I'm soo replaceable.. NOT! LOL In time, he will come full circle and realize what I realized not too long ago.. .He and I are one... always have been and always will be... no matter what has transpired.. he cannot DENY this fact. Sad thing is, by the time he figures this out, it will be too late.
Thank mother nature for sunshine... I LOVE IT! The weather has been absolutely gorgeous!! Well, I am off to Vegas once again this weekend for yet another party.. Life is good.. can't complain YET.. I can only change me and for everything else... I adapt.
Have a great week!
Peace!
November 08, 2006
I said I wouldn't, but what the hell?
I promised myself I wouldn't write one more word about HIM. I said I wouldn't call or text or think about him at all. I lied. I'm coming out and admitting it, so if anyone wants to slap me, please feel free. Lately, I've gone through a plethora of emotions. Like all break-ups, I have my good days and my bad days. I spend a lot of time keeping myself occupied, but there is always that down time that casts many of shadows on my heart. I've realized through my single escapades that I'm NOT cut out for this lifestyle.... which ALWAYS brings me back to him.
I know I know....!!! I have conversations with myself that go a little something like this:
Me: I need him. I just can't do this without him. I have to find a way to make it right or better.. somehow. He's the love of my life!
Me again in response to Me: What the fuck are you talking about? Do you remember all the days you spent crying and begging.. Look at you! Look what you've accomplished! You can't make it better, so just let him go. He doesn't love you anymore Cherise! Get over it! Move on..
Me: How do I let go? What will I do....? Who will I love? I'm angry! I'm hurt! I'm not over it!I need him, I really do. Who will ever GET ME like he did.. Who will EVER love me Like he did. You just don't understand.
Me again: You're acting like a real idiot! How can I NOT understand. I am you! I am the rational, more calm, collective, focused you. You're fine without him. You have Marquin. You have your writing. FOCUS, please don't let this conquer your spirit. If it's meant to be, then he'll be back. I promise. **shaking self** snap out of it!!
Me: **Sigh** and so I digress. I will be ok. One day.
Ok, I am NOT crazy... but I'm alone most of the time.. so talking to me.. works out ...well. I guess I don't want to see him with anyone else. You know, he's met someone.... he says it's getting serious. I don't get how he can be so broken up over us and so quickly replace me .. with HER. Who am I to judge, right? Who knows what I've been up to?? Well, there's been Chris ( the ex stripper, who I almost fell in love with, but made him a friend instead). We had an interesting episode. Case closed. Then there's Perry... an old friend from years back.... I don't see him or talk to him enough for there to be anything remotely serious. Next, we have Kevin... Mr. Kevin... 300 miles away.... and what can I say? Nothing. Because there is nothing 300 miles away. An occassional visit and text messages don't go far in my heart. I've also met several misc. clowns that have yet to spark any interest in anything more than saying hello. Yes, I am extremely lonely. And maybe, just maybe I am using my loneliness as a crutch to hold onto a man that has made it clear he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME...
Yea, maybe that's it.
I know I know....!!! I have conversations with myself that go a little something like this:
Me: I need him. I just can't do this without him. I have to find a way to make it right or better.. somehow. He's the love of my life!
Me again in response to Me: What the fuck are you talking about? Do you remember all the days you spent crying and begging.. Look at you! Look what you've accomplished! You can't make it better, so just let him go. He doesn't love you anymore Cherise! Get over it! Move on..
Me: How do I let go? What will I do....? Who will I love? I'm angry! I'm hurt! I'm not over it!I need him, I really do. Who will ever GET ME like he did.. Who will EVER love me Like he did. You just don't understand.
Me again: You're acting like a real idiot! How can I NOT understand. I am you! I am the rational, more calm, collective, focused you. You're fine without him. You have Marquin. You have your writing. FOCUS, please don't let this conquer your spirit. If it's meant to be, then he'll be back. I promise. **shaking self** snap out of it!!
Me: **Sigh** and so I digress. I will be ok. One day.
Ok, I am NOT crazy... but I'm alone most of the time.. so talking to me.. works out ...well. I guess I don't want to see him with anyone else. You know, he's met someone.... he says it's getting serious. I don't get how he can be so broken up over us and so quickly replace me .. with HER. Who am I to judge, right? Who knows what I've been up to?? Well, there's been Chris ( the ex stripper, who I almost fell in love with, but made him a friend instead). We had an interesting episode. Case closed. Then there's Perry... an old friend from years back.... I don't see him or talk to him enough for there to be anything remotely serious. Next, we have Kevin... Mr. Kevin... 300 miles away.... and what can I say? Nothing. Because there is nothing 300 miles away. An occassional visit and text messages don't go far in my heart. I've also met several misc. clowns that have yet to spark any interest in anything more than saying hello. Yes, I am extremely lonely. And maybe, just maybe I am using my loneliness as a crutch to hold onto a man that has made it clear he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME...
Yea, maybe that's it.
October 31, 2006
Halloween Hypocrites...
This is probably going to offend someone I'm sure. So, let me say this first, if the shoe fits, wear it! Today is Halloween. I celebrate it, shit, because I always have, but if I hear one more proposed Christian, Catholic, Jehovah Witness, Budhist ect., say, I DON'T CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN ... it's evil, I'm going to slap a mothafucca! And no I am NOT watching my language today. This needs to get out since I've been sitting on it for awhile. I pride myself on being an adaptable person. I can get along with any race, creed or color. But there is something about religious hypocrites that strikes an angry cord in my soul. Now, I have nothing against anyone who belongs to any of these religions. However, how can anyone have the audacity to fix their mouth to say I don't celebrate Halloween because it's evil, yet I have premarital sex or I get drunk.. or I curse... ect., ect,. I just don't get it. I mean, if I were god... who would I consider first? Some kids that dress up in masks and beg for candy OR a bunch of drunk, whore mongers who praise me on Sunday, but forget about me M-Sat? Hmmmm? I don't think the choice would be hard. I am not religious by any means. I believe in GOD. And I definitely believe in right and wrong. What bothers me is these same people talk about all the EXTRA FUN they have on a daily basis, but then come with the MR. or MRS. religious bullshit when the subject of Halloween comes up... You have to be fucking kidding me? Fuck that.. I'm dressing up today... Trick or treat bitches...
LMAO...
I'm out. Peace.
LMAO...
I'm out. Peace.
October 25, 2006
What's happening?
Well, I know I've been slacking or maybe not.. since I do most of my blogging on Myspace. Shamika suggested I copy and paste my blogs.. that's an idea.
So, here's the low down. I got the promotion and the raise ;)!!
I am functioning without HIM, although there are times I have minor set backs.
Still not too good on this dating thing. Finally solidified that KISS with the CRUSH.. Kiss was great! Let's just say everything else fell a lil short for me...
Was it the alcohol? NAW.. It was THAT SMALL! **bad reese!**
LMAO
Went to Vegas this past weekend. Got in LOTS of trouble. You know I have an affliction for sexy, strippers. I met this guy named Black and shit with a name like
Black what more needs to be said! I played with him until I got bored. Then there's Kevin... Man, Clean your bathroom Kev! And get some more blankets. Get this, Mr. Joseph Wiley has been in contact with me.. **blushing** wow! I am sooooo soooo surprised. We didn't get a chance to touch base while I was in Vegas, but we talked. Maybe next time! ;)
I've met a few other guys... nothing too special or should I say no one that has caught me in a way that would change my heart. I still love HIM very much. We haven't had any fights lately. Well, we don't even see each other. Maybe once or twice. We've shared some cold hugs and kisses on the cheek. It makes me sad, but then I have to remember that if it's meant to be, he will come back to me. Until then, I have the gym to occupy my self-esteem and bouts of depression.
My son is doing pretty good. He is a trip. He stayed with me last night. He told me,
"Mom, you're the prettiest Mom at my school because you ain't old"... LMAO..
I love that boy more than the word itself.
Peace out.
So, here's the low down. I got the promotion and the raise ;)!!
I am functioning without HIM, although there are times I have minor set backs.
Still not too good on this dating thing. Finally solidified that KISS with the CRUSH.. Kiss was great! Let's just say everything else fell a lil short for me...
Was it the alcohol? NAW.. It was THAT SMALL! **bad reese!**
LMAO
Went to Vegas this past weekend. Got in LOTS of trouble. You know I have an affliction for sexy, strippers. I met this guy named Black and shit with a name like
Black what more needs to be said! I played with him until I got bored. Then there's Kevin... Man, Clean your bathroom Kev! And get some more blankets. Get this, Mr. Joseph Wiley has been in contact with me.. **blushing** wow! I am sooooo soooo surprised. We didn't get a chance to touch base while I was in Vegas, but we talked. Maybe next time! ;)
I've met a few other guys... nothing too special or should I say no one that has caught me in a way that would change my heart. I still love HIM very much. We haven't had any fights lately. Well, we don't even see each other. Maybe once or twice. We've shared some cold hugs and kisses on the cheek. It makes me sad, but then I have to remember that if it's meant to be, he will come back to me. Until then, I have the gym to occupy my self-esteem and bouts of depression.
My son is doing pretty good. He is a trip. He stayed with me last night. He told me,
"Mom, you're the prettiest Mom at my school because you ain't old"... LMAO..
I love that boy more than the word itself.
Peace out.
October 15, 2006
Broken lines of communication
There is no tactful way to do this. In fact, Arlyn thinks it's pretty scandalous.. but at this point in my life.. I can ONLY BE HONEST. Since I've been without Aaron.... I've been searching for anything to fill a void, that obviously cannot be filled.
I've had this crush on this beautiful man for weeks. From head to toe, he is a living, breathing, work of art. Chocolate skin... body cut like someone sculpted him into perfect human anatomy. Him and I talk ALL the time.. at work... e-mail, text messages. We've hung out a few times before, but nothing really came out of it. I've been literally dying to kiss this man for weeks. Trust me when I say... I WORKED hard for last night. It was perfect too. I cooked dinner... candles... alcohol...music.
I've never had a problem holding a conversation with him because we have so much in common. A few drinks later and the red lights were on... Janet crooned softly in the background... "At home I'm so alone... I'm wishing you were here.... baby tonight, my bed is cold... .. .... ba ba take care of me ba ba fullfill my needs...." I'm a little drunk.. still sexy, but DRUNK... there I was, face to face with this work of art ... I could feel his breath on my lips...and in the middle of my sentence.... it happened! He kissed me. The kiss I've dreamed about... I lost a moment in time that I will never get back. It felt safe right there... his hands in my hair... up and down my back... damn.. I opened my eyes... and it wasn't Aaron... I told you I got lost for a minute.... More Alcohol. I hear Rkelly now.... " down low... down low..." it's the remix.. and so appropriate to our current circumstances. How I ended up on my knees, looking up at him, remains to be seen. And wow..how can I say this in a tactful way ...without sounding cruel... but the infatuation and momentum that I'd built up over the weeks had instantly dissipated. How can someone so beautiful be lacking in the most important department. Yea, I said it... he had the smallest penis. And even if I wanted to TRY to work with it... I wouldn't do that to myself.
Game over.
That's what I get for putting this man on a pedal stool in my mind. He wasn't able to live up to my expectations at all. He is still very beautiful, but not for me. It makes everything I went through totally worthless. I ended up laying on my couch half naked, unsatisfied, crying and begging Aaron to please come home. I can't do this. I can't spend another night in someone else's arms.
Today, I have the worst hang over. I don't think I will be able to face him again. For fear, that A. I may laugh and B. Yea, I will laugh and that is not very nice.... Fuck.
I'm done.
I've had this crush on this beautiful man for weeks. From head to toe, he is a living, breathing, work of art. Chocolate skin... body cut like someone sculpted him into perfect human anatomy. Him and I talk ALL the time.. at work... e-mail, text messages. We've hung out a few times before, but nothing really came out of it. I've been literally dying to kiss this man for weeks. Trust me when I say... I WORKED hard for last night. It was perfect too. I cooked dinner... candles... alcohol...music.
I've never had a problem holding a conversation with him because we have so much in common. A few drinks later and the red lights were on... Janet crooned softly in the background... "At home I'm so alone... I'm wishing you were here.... baby tonight, my bed is cold... .. .... ba ba take care of me ba ba fullfill my needs...." I'm a little drunk.. still sexy, but DRUNK... there I was, face to face with this work of art ... I could feel his breath on my lips...and in the middle of my sentence.... it happened! He kissed me. The kiss I've dreamed about... I lost a moment in time that I will never get back. It felt safe right there... his hands in my hair... up and down my back... damn.. I opened my eyes... and it wasn't Aaron... I told you I got lost for a minute.... More Alcohol. I hear Rkelly now.... " down low... down low..." it's the remix.. and so appropriate to our current circumstances. How I ended up on my knees, looking up at him, remains to be seen. And wow..how can I say this in a tactful way ...without sounding cruel... but the infatuation and momentum that I'd built up over the weeks had instantly dissipated. How can someone so beautiful be lacking in the most important department. Yea, I said it... he had the smallest penis. And even if I wanted to TRY to work with it... I wouldn't do that to myself.
Game over.
That's what I get for putting this man on a pedal stool in my mind. He wasn't able to live up to my expectations at all. He is still very beautiful, but not for me. It makes everything I went through totally worthless. I ended up laying on my couch half naked, unsatisfied, crying and begging Aaron to please come home. I can't do this. I can't spend another night in someone else's arms.
Today, I have the worst hang over. I don't think I will be able to face him again. For fear, that A. I may laugh and B. Yea, I will laugh and that is not very nice.... Fuck.
I'm done.
October 07, 2006
Skeletons in the closet
I learned a valuable lesson last night.... some mistakes, however old come back to haunt you. I had a child with a man who is NOT only irresponsible, but so completely oblivious to reality, it's almost scary. Yea, I was 17 at the time I met him and 19 when I had his baby, but that is still no excuse in my book. I never loved this man. In fact, he only filled the void of the man I whose child I should've had. I don't regret my son, but I surely regret the decision I made to even entertain thoughts of sleeping with the man.
Here's why:
Yesterday I leave work and head over to my son's Jr High to pick him up. We get to the house and my son is locked out. Now, I'm already concerned because I'm thinking, "Why doesn't he have a key to get in?". Anyhow, I sit there for about 20 minutes until MarQuin's cousin comes alone. We go to the back house and I'm waiting on his dad to get there. While I'm waiting, MarQuin's cousin tells me MarQuin feels like his is putting his girlfriend and his friend before him. He doesn't feel right. This makes me uneasy. I'm focused on trying to provide my son with the tools he needs to be successful. I never want him to feel like someone else comes before him. So, an hour later his dad pulls up. I walk to the front and knock on the door. No answer. I ring the door bell ... no answer...
WTF? First of all, it's dark, cold and my son is still outside.. No one has come out looking for him EXCEPT me AND the freaking door is locked, so how would he get back in? Then his ugly, no good girl friend comes to the door and says Len isn't in there. WTF? Bitch I just seen him in the kitchen window. So I'm pissed. I call MarQuin on his cell phone and tell him to come home. He gets there and finally his dad comes to the door. I tell him I need to talk to him. He automatically has an attitude with me. Now, everthing has been cool until the girlfriend came in the picture. I tell him what MarQuin said... now instead of addressing his son's feelings, he slams the door in my face and tells MarQuin to come in. I'm HOT! This is totally ridiculous!!! I tell my baby get some clothes and let's go! Do you know this fool packed up my baby's clothes and put them on the curb...????
OH HELL NO! That was the last straw. Every bit of emotion I've been holding for 11 years slowly dissipated from my soul. How dare he? And then he threatens me and tries to preempt a fight between his girlfriend and I. Now, 5 years ago, I would've have fought, but you know what? Fighting is NOT going to resolve the problem. It doesn't matter how many bitches I am or fat this like I told him... I'm GOOD> I work everyday and regardless of what you do or don't do I take care of my child. I've worked hard and been through a lot, but everything I have is paid for and I am not living off of someone else. This isn't about him... or me... it's about our child.. Who at this point was crying... feeling lost and left out while two GROWN adults rehash the past... which cannot be changed. So I made a decision... I walked away. There isn't a name he can call me that will hurt me or anything that he can do to make me hold my head down. I stand tall everyday because I know who I am... I was sad... I watched a 34 yr old man rant and rave while his girlfriend acted as the side kick clown.
WHY? I told him I don't live that life anymore. My son is my main concern. Look at him! Talk to him! Not me.. this isn't about what happened 10 yrs ago (which he kept making reference to a time I called the police on him) I don't care who you're dating.. and I'm not going to fight you ugly girl. Ugly in reference to the way you carry yourself. I know I'm a threat because I am confident and successful, but you can be too! You choose not to be. I can fight you.. I'm not scared. I've done it countless times in the past, but what example am I setting for my baby? And after it's over and the police come...who really loses.... MarQuin.
And so I walked away. I gathered my son's stuff and I sat in my car and I cried. I felt so stupid and dumb. I kept asking myself WHY did I do this to myself. Then I looked at my child.... how beautiful is he.... I am ALL HE HAS... Everything I put into him will come out later. What do I say to him? I can't tell him don't love your dad because my personal feelings have nothing to do with him. I hugged my baby and I told him no matter what happens... I will ALWAYS be here to take care of you... as long as I'm breathing.....
Now, my child sleeps soundly in my bed. He didn't have the desire to stay there. His father cried claiming once again I am taking his son away. No, that's not it at all. My door has always been open and his son has always been available... but you can't make a boy grown up and be a man and you can't turn a dead beat into a dad.
Peace
Here's why:
Yesterday I leave work and head over to my son's Jr High to pick him up. We get to the house and my son is locked out. Now, I'm already concerned because I'm thinking, "Why doesn't he have a key to get in?". Anyhow, I sit there for about 20 minutes until MarQuin's cousin comes alone. We go to the back house and I'm waiting on his dad to get there. While I'm waiting, MarQuin's cousin tells me MarQuin feels like his is putting his girlfriend and his friend before him. He doesn't feel right. This makes me uneasy. I'm focused on trying to provide my son with the tools he needs to be successful. I never want him to feel like someone else comes before him. So, an hour later his dad pulls up. I walk to the front and knock on the door. No answer. I ring the door bell ... no answer...
WTF? First of all, it's dark, cold and my son is still outside.. No one has come out looking for him EXCEPT me AND the freaking door is locked, so how would he get back in? Then his ugly, no good girl friend comes to the door and says Len isn't in there. WTF? Bitch I just seen him in the kitchen window. So I'm pissed. I call MarQuin on his cell phone and tell him to come home. He gets there and finally his dad comes to the door. I tell him I need to talk to him. He automatically has an attitude with me. Now, everthing has been cool until the girlfriend came in the picture. I tell him what MarQuin said... now instead of addressing his son's feelings, he slams the door in my face and tells MarQuin to come in. I'm HOT! This is totally ridiculous!!! I tell my baby get some clothes and let's go! Do you know this fool packed up my baby's clothes and put them on the curb...????
OH HELL NO! That was the last straw. Every bit of emotion I've been holding for 11 years slowly dissipated from my soul. How dare he? And then he threatens me and tries to preempt a fight between his girlfriend and I. Now, 5 years ago, I would've have fought, but you know what? Fighting is NOT going to resolve the problem. It doesn't matter how many bitches I am or fat this like I told him... I'm GOOD> I work everyday and regardless of what you do or don't do I take care of my child. I've worked hard and been through a lot, but everything I have is paid for and I am not living off of someone else. This isn't about him... or me... it's about our child.. Who at this point was crying... feeling lost and left out while two GROWN adults rehash the past... which cannot be changed. So I made a decision... I walked away. There isn't a name he can call me that will hurt me or anything that he can do to make me hold my head down. I stand tall everyday because I know who I am... I was sad... I watched a 34 yr old man rant and rave while his girlfriend acted as the side kick clown.
WHY? I told him I don't live that life anymore. My son is my main concern. Look at him! Talk to him! Not me.. this isn't about what happened 10 yrs ago (which he kept making reference to a time I called the police on him) I don't care who you're dating.. and I'm not going to fight you ugly girl. Ugly in reference to the way you carry yourself. I know I'm a threat because I am confident and successful, but you can be too! You choose not to be. I can fight you.. I'm not scared. I've done it countless times in the past, but what example am I setting for my baby? And after it's over and the police come...who really loses.... MarQuin.
And so I walked away. I gathered my son's stuff and I sat in my car and I cried. I felt so stupid and dumb. I kept asking myself WHY did I do this to myself. Then I looked at my child.... how beautiful is he.... I am ALL HE HAS... Everything I put into him will come out later. What do I say to him? I can't tell him don't love your dad because my personal feelings have nothing to do with him. I hugged my baby and I told him no matter what happens... I will ALWAYS be here to take care of you... as long as I'm breathing.....
Now, my child sleeps soundly in my bed. He didn't have the desire to stay there. His father cried claiming once again I am taking his son away. No, that's not it at all. My door has always been open and his son has always been available... but you can't make a boy grown up and be a man and you can't turn a dead beat into a dad.
Peace
October 05, 2006
Wine, Jazz and crying don't mix...
I made the mistake of having a discussion with Aaron about my crush. The entire
conversation came about because he'd read the poems I'd written about this man that
has totally captured my attention. He was acting really non-chalant about the whole thing. Even going as far as saying, "Well, you shouldn't let something pass you by
because of your feelings about me"... this set me up for complete and utter failure!
See, although I've managed to remain calm and strong through this break-up, make no qualms about it! I AM HURT... deeply hurt. Every morning when I wake up to an empty house I am hurt... everytime I get a phone call from yet another childhood friend proclaiming, "GUESS WHAT! I'M GETTING MARRIED!" or "I'M HAVING A BABY!" I cringe and seethe with pain. I LOVED THIS MAN. By no means have I ever claimed it was a perfect love..it was just love. And as I move forward with my life I'm learning how to let go little by little. For those of you who've experienced this type of love, I'm sure you can understand. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else.... and so I try NOT to think about it at all. Yesterday, after several e-mails later, I decided to go to his home after work. We talked briefly and he reiterated that he doesn't want this relationship. He had a long list of faults that I possess... and maybe they are ALL true, but in my heart.... I just don't think so. I've ALWAYS loved him and I thought I held him down. It's funny to me how I am supposed to hold him down no matter what he does wrong, but when the tables are turned..Well, you know the story. I'm sorry if I wasn't quick to help him when he blantantly lied and deceived me. I suppose I should have looked the other way when the texts messages came in at 2 a.m... or surely it's my fault that he cheated on me. *SIGH* There is no winning in this situation. It's over and I know it! I knew it BEFORE I moved down here to Cali. I was hoping I could save us... because when we're good, we're good! I miss cooking breakfast for him, taking walks, laughing and just listening to him talk. I miss when we were good and I know from my blogs it would be difficult to see when we were good, but we were.
I'm so empty right now... I almost feel invisible.
The good thing is my motivation has not wavered.. I'm still Reese... I still have my son... the gym and my strength.
conversation came about because he'd read the poems I'd written about this man that
has totally captured my attention. He was acting really non-chalant about the whole thing. Even going as far as saying, "Well, you shouldn't let something pass you by
because of your feelings about me"... this set me up for complete and utter failure!
See, although I've managed to remain calm and strong through this break-up, make no qualms about it! I AM HURT... deeply hurt. Every morning when I wake up to an empty house I am hurt... everytime I get a phone call from yet another childhood friend proclaiming, "GUESS WHAT! I'M GETTING MARRIED!" or "I'M HAVING A BABY!" I cringe and seethe with pain. I LOVED THIS MAN. By no means have I ever claimed it was a perfect love..it was just love. And as I move forward with my life I'm learning how to let go little by little. For those of you who've experienced this type of love, I'm sure you can understand. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else.... and so I try NOT to think about it at all. Yesterday, after several e-mails later, I decided to go to his home after work. We talked briefly and he reiterated that he doesn't want this relationship. He had a long list of faults that I possess... and maybe they are ALL true, but in my heart.... I just don't think so. I've ALWAYS loved him and I thought I held him down. It's funny to me how I am supposed to hold him down no matter what he does wrong, but when the tables are turned..Well, you know the story. I'm sorry if I wasn't quick to help him when he blantantly lied and deceived me. I suppose I should have looked the other way when the texts messages came in at 2 a.m... or surely it's my fault that he cheated on me. *SIGH* There is no winning in this situation. It's over and I know it! I knew it BEFORE I moved down here to Cali. I was hoping I could save us... because when we're good, we're good! I miss cooking breakfast for him, taking walks, laughing and just listening to him talk. I miss when we were good and I know from my blogs it would be difficult to see when we were good, but we were.
I'm so empty right now... I almost feel invisible.
The good thing is my motivation has not wavered.. I'm still Reese... I still have my son... the gym and my strength.
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