Wine, Jazz and crying don't mix...

I made the mistake of having a discussion with Aaron about my crush. The entire
conversation came about because he'd read the poems I'd written about this man that
has totally captured my attention. He was acting really non-chalant about the whole thing. Even going as far as saying, "Well, you shouldn't let something pass you by
because of your feelings about me"... this set me up for complete and utter failure!
See, although I've managed to remain calm and strong through this break-up, make no qualms about it! I AM HURT... deeply hurt. Every morning when I wake up to an empty house I am hurt... everytime I get a phone call from yet another childhood friend proclaiming, "GUESS WHAT! I'M GETTING MARRIED!" or "I'M HAVING A BABY!" I cringe and seethe with pain. I LOVED THIS MAN. By no means have I ever claimed it was a perfect love..it was just love. And as I move forward with my life I'm learning how to let go little by little. For those of you who've experienced this type of love, I'm sure you can understand. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else.... and so I try NOT to think about it at all. Yesterday, after several e-mails later, I decided to go to his home after work. We talked briefly and he reiterated that he doesn't want this relationship. He had a long list of faults that I possess... and maybe they are ALL true, but in my heart.... I just don't think so. I've ALWAYS loved him and I thought I held him down. It's funny to me how I am supposed to hold him down no matter what he does wrong, but when the tables are turned..Well, you know the story. I'm sorry if I wasn't quick to help him when he blantantly lied and deceived me. I suppose I should have looked the other way when the texts messages came in at 2 a.m... or surely it's my fault that he cheated on me. *SIGH* There is no winning in this situation. It's over and I know it! I knew it BEFORE I moved down here to Cali. I was hoping I could save us... because when we're good, we're good! I miss cooking breakfast for him, taking walks, laughing and just listening to him talk. I miss when we were good and I know from my blogs it would be difficult to see when we were good, but we were.
I'm so empty right now... I almost feel invisible.
The good thing is my motivation has not wavered.. I'm still Reese... I still have my son... the gym and my strength.