November 09, 2009
Tis the season...
Is it me or did the holiday season come barging in like a deranged home invader? I could've sworn it was just July and I was at the BET awards partying it up! Sigh, needless to say I am not particularly happy nor looking forward to said Holiday season. While everyone gets ready to celebrate a day of giving thanks, I (or we, my sister's and I) will be marking the one year anniversary of our Mothers Death. Sucks ass, I know. She died on THANKSGIVING day, so what the hell do I have to give thanks for? While I could move forward with my bah humbug spirit I have to remember this is NOT what our mother would've wanted, in fact, she was the epitome of the spirit. She always decorated her house and cooked for us every year. Now we are faced with the task of WHO will take over her role. By my being the oldest, it would be natural for me to assume the role, however I am NOT always a people type of person. I relish in my privacy and I'm not always open to letting everyone into that sanctuary. Needless to say, I MUST try to move forward positively for my family. I am focused on making the BEST out of a sad time of year for us... and I hold steady that my mother is near watching and guiding us!
September 01, 2009
New Beginings
Hello fellow bloggers, have you missed me? I didn't actually stop blogging, I was temporarily distracted by Myspace. I was thinking of transferring my blogs over, but I think I will just start over! So what's new? Well, the last year of my life has proved challenging. I lost my mother last Thanksgiving and my grief continues to be a daily challenge. I had another baby (a boy) after 13 years (whew I don't recommend that to anyone)... and yes that proves to be another challenge! I plan on exposing a lot of positive moves I'm making currently, so stay tuned. I just wanted to get a quick hello out there and let everyone know I'm back where I began! I'm so excited to get back blogging regularly.
November 13, 2007
Simple Minded, simply put; Women vs Girls
Current mood: indifferent
Category: Life
In my lifetime I've seen many places, met many people.. good, bad and indifferent it's affected the person I am today. I'm fortunate in a way that I am capable of recognizing my mistakes and turning them into positive outcomes. It's why I am who I am today. Something that truly bothers me to this day is the way black women fight against one another. Now, please understand this is in no way a blog attacking men, but let's face it, men aren't the MOST honest creatures God created. How many of us have fallen in love with Mr. Right now... Ya'll know who I'm talking about.. Charming, Handsome, seemingly successful, great in bed, smooth talker? Yea, him! He's probably your man right now. In the begining, everything is great. You feel almost euphoric at his slightest touch... then one night while laying in bed next to him, his phone rings. You glance down and see a text message that reads: Hey baby, last night was amazing. I miss you daddy, when are you cumming home? Love, Keisha... Your heart is crushed. What should you do? Confront him? Ignore it? Then you remember you worked late the night before and he didn't answer when you called. The emotions rush from hurt to rage in a matter of minutes and right there at 2 am you're in your first fight with Mr. Right now. *Sigh* But he was different...
I know this story all too well because I lived it for 5 years. I loved a man who was incapable of loving me. He made me feel as if everything were my fault. Woman after woman, he cheated, using the internet as his vessel to lure in unsuspecting EASY women... even I, myself, met him on a popular web-site. I was reluctant to meet him and didn't for almost 3 months. I'd never dated anyone from the internet before, but HE was beautiful and SMART. A year into our relationship I found the emails and the im's.. the porn, the text messages. I was devastated... forced into a dark realm of second guessing the woman I was.. my self esteem diminished and I felt I needed him... I began concocting my own stories to keep him near. I couldn't lose him to one of these internet floosies... what was wrong with me? Our fights became more and more violent. He'd become physical, almost killing me once. I still held on... when I look back now, I see a lost, unhappy woman... I moved back to California.. still holding on. I took fertility meds to have his babies only to lose them due to more infidelities. I was going insane. On the verge of a nervous breakdown, I finally left. What had I done so wrong. I was the bad guy.. to his family and stupid in the eyes of my own.
A month away from HIM I became lonely. I found myself wanting him back. We tried for awhile, but the same issues would always occur. I was still victimizing myself. When I began dating again I almost felt guilty. Every now and then we'd come together for sex.. that was it. Then something happened to me... I'd started to become empowered by this great strength.. I'd joined the gym and lost some weight. I felt good and looked better than ever! People noticed.. I was happy. ... I still needed closure. I sought it and was rejected. I felt empty. I FEEL empty.
I'd found out he was seeing one his chicks he'd cheated with in the past. It hurt and I lashed out! I was wrong, I know now, but it was purely emotion based. It wasn't about her, but now it's become about her. She believes what he tells her not knowing or fully understanding the depth of his character. Understanding that this is NOT my place to make a believer out of her... I still feel the need to defend my own character. I can't understand WHY women feel the need to fight against one another? What makes her so much different from me? Nothing. A man that is abusive will ALWAYS be abusive.. a cheater is ALWAYS a cheater and a LIAR is always a liar. Attacking my character or making comments that are unsubstantiated makes you look more childish than I ever could. Why would he reveal the truth to you? I honestly feel one day as black women we NEED to come together and support each other. We have daughters to raise ... the lack of self respect, self esteem has lowered our value greatly in this society. I know there are good black men out there. I know SEVERAL ( and I love ya'll) but when we come across the few that don't respect us as women and play vicious games with our hearts.. let's not fight each other.. How Simple minded is that? Are we women or girls?
Simply put.. Reese
Six degrees of separation refers to the idea that, if a person is one "step" away from each person he or she knows and two "steps" away from each person who is known by one of the people he or she knows, then everyone is no more than six "steps" away from each person on Earth. Several studies, such as Milgram's small world experiment, have been conducted to empirically measure this connectedness. While the exact number of links between people differs depending on the population measured, it is generally found to be relatively small. Hence, six degrees of separation is somewhat synonymous with the idea of the "small world" phenomenon. Detractors argue that Milgram's experiment did not demonstrate such a link,[1] and the "six degrees" claim has been decried as an "academic urban myth".[2]
Category: Life
In my lifetime I've seen many places, met many people.. good, bad and indifferent it's affected the person I am today. I'm fortunate in a way that I am capable of recognizing my mistakes and turning them into positive outcomes. It's why I am who I am today. Something that truly bothers me to this day is the way black women fight against one another. Now, please understand this is in no way a blog attacking men, but let's face it, men aren't the MOST honest creatures God created. How many of us have fallen in love with Mr. Right now... Ya'll know who I'm talking about.. Charming, Handsome, seemingly successful, great in bed, smooth talker? Yea, him! He's probably your man right now. In the begining, everything is great. You feel almost euphoric at his slightest touch... then one night while laying in bed next to him, his phone rings. You glance down and see a text message that reads: Hey baby, last night was amazing. I miss you daddy, when are you cumming home? Love, Keisha... Your heart is crushed. What should you do? Confront him? Ignore it? Then you remember you worked late the night before and he didn't answer when you called. The emotions rush from hurt to rage in a matter of minutes and right there at 2 am you're in your first fight with Mr. Right now. *Sigh* But he was different...
I know this story all too well because I lived it for 5 years. I loved a man who was incapable of loving me. He made me feel as if everything were my fault. Woman after woman, he cheated, using the internet as his vessel to lure in unsuspecting EASY women... even I, myself, met him on a popular web-site. I was reluctant to meet him and didn't for almost 3 months. I'd never dated anyone from the internet before, but HE was beautiful and SMART. A year into our relationship I found the emails and the im's.. the porn, the text messages. I was devastated... forced into a dark realm of second guessing the woman I was.. my self esteem diminished and I felt I needed him... I began concocting my own stories to keep him near. I couldn't lose him to one of these internet floosies... what was wrong with me? Our fights became more and more violent. He'd become physical, almost killing me once. I still held on... when I look back now, I see a lost, unhappy woman... I moved back to California.. still holding on. I took fertility meds to have his babies only to lose them due to more infidelities. I was going insane. On the verge of a nervous breakdown, I finally left. What had I done so wrong. I was the bad guy.. to his family and stupid in the eyes of my own.
A month away from HIM I became lonely. I found myself wanting him back. We tried for awhile, but the same issues would always occur. I was still victimizing myself. When I began dating again I almost felt guilty. Every now and then we'd come together for sex.. that was it. Then something happened to me... I'd started to become empowered by this great strength.. I'd joined the gym and lost some weight. I felt good and looked better than ever! People noticed.. I was happy. ... I still needed closure. I sought it and was rejected. I felt empty. I FEEL empty.
I'd found out he was seeing one his chicks he'd cheated with in the past. It hurt and I lashed out! I was wrong, I know now, but it was purely emotion based. It wasn't about her, but now it's become about her. She believes what he tells her not knowing or fully understanding the depth of his character. Understanding that this is NOT my place to make a believer out of her... I still feel the need to defend my own character. I can't understand WHY women feel the need to fight against one another? What makes her so much different from me? Nothing. A man that is abusive will ALWAYS be abusive.. a cheater is ALWAYS a cheater and a LIAR is always a liar. Attacking my character or making comments that are unsubstantiated makes you look more childish than I ever could. Why would he reveal the truth to you? I honestly feel one day as black women we NEED to come together and support each other. We have daughters to raise ... the lack of self respect, self esteem has lowered our value greatly in this society. I know there are good black men out there. I know SEVERAL ( and I love ya'll) but when we come across the few that don't respect us as women and play vicious games with our hearts.. let's not fight each other.. How Simple minded is that? Are we women or girls?
Simply put.. Reese
Six degrees of separation refers to the idea that, if a person is one "step" away from each person he or she knows and two "steps" away from each person who is known by one of the people he or she knows, then everyone is no more than six "steps" away from each person on Earth. Several studies, such as Milgram's small world experiment, have been conducted to empirically measure this connectedness. While the exact number of links between people differs depending on the population measured, it is generally found to be relatively small. Hence, six degrees of separation is somewhat synonymous with the idea of the "small world" phenomenon. Detractors argue that Milgram's experiment did not demonstrate such a link,[1] and the "six degrees" claim has been decried as an "academic urban myth".[2]
The 21 Things that irritated, intrigued or pissed me off this week list!
1. So he tells me that I am harrassing him.. right? Wrong!
2.Since when did hello become harrassment?
3.I guess when my nipples get hard enough to see thru a thick ass sweater that's an indication that it's cold...
4.If he's number one in your life, I'd hate to see EXACTLY what number you are in his... (negative) - he don't give a fuck! (ok that's not nice cherise, but the truth hurts)
5.I've come to terms that I am just plain weird and strange.. I view the world from my own sick, little abstract mind.
6."the arguements are getting loud, I wanna stay, but I can't help from walking out just a little way.. just take my hand and understand, if you can see.. I NEVER planned to be ya man, it just wasn't me"... Do for love 2Pac
7.and that song really about sums it up
8.he said he was "sorry".. he didn't mean it...
9.but in my heart, I wanted to smother him lifeless
10.I've learned there is NO justice in JUSTICE system
11.The D.A. Says the case is 8 yrs old and he doesn't care about my impending pregnancy or risk of miscarriage... let's move on as his witness's memories are becoming weaker... (who prosecutes an 8 yr old petty theft case with barely no evidence?)
12. I'm thinking.. Uhh Duh u stupid mothafucca.. U ain't got shit.. but, the judge sides with me and my growing belly... ahhh the sweet smell of injustice. Fuckers!
13. With all these cold case murder shows you'd think they have better things to do with our tax money... *sigh*
14.Why the fuck is Christina Aguiliara's pregnancy top news on Yahoo? Who gives a flying fuck!
15. Ok so Mike Vick failed the weed test.. well, shit.. wtf they think his ass is doing on house arrest? Playing PS2 as himself?
16. Check out this website black people.. informative, scary and funny all at once http://blacknewsweekly.com/
17. This crusty ass, poltergiest looking mofo right here said this:
Dr. James Watson, to the right is a very smart man, but was "inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa" because as he says "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours, whereas all the testing (Standardized) says not really."
18. Denzel killed them this weekend at the box office, unfortunately(BIG SMILE) I was at the Tyrese, Ginuwine, Tank, 112 and Avant concert.. for ANYONE that missed it.. YOU missed it.. cuz they put it down ..... although I am a little bias when it comes to Tyrese.. Something about his beautiful dark skin and perfect white teeth.. oh and the body ain't bad either..that drives me crazy..... And P.S. Al B Was looking REAL GOOD.. Foe a light skin brotha (hahaha) They making a come back!
19. Wtf is wrong with all of these damned rappers? Foxy Brown getting more time while she's in jail.. WTF? She ain't riding on the prison bus to go to court???.. Girl please... still fighting in Rikers Island.. You see, Lil Kim was smart.. she went in and made some friends.. Now, T.I. ( I have no words for him) And recently Da Brat was arrested for getting into a fight with a waitress... *sigh*
20. "Man stop cussing, my moms is right there!" (MarQuin's desperate attempt to save his foul mouthed friend!
21. I felt my baby move for the first time last week... How amazing...
And I am out for now..........
1. So he tells me that I am harrassing him.. right? Wrong!
2.Since when did hello become harrassment?
3.I guess when my nipples get hard enough to see thru a thick ass sweater that's an indication that it's cold...
4.If he's number one in your life, I'd hate to see EXACTLY what number you are in his... (negative) - he don't give a fuck! (ok that's not nice cherise, but the truth hurts)
5.I've come to terms that I am just plain weird and strange.. I view the world from my own sick, little abstract mind.
6."the arguements are getting loud, I wanna stay, but I can't help from walking out just a little way.. just take my hand and understand, if you can see.. I NEVER planned to be ya man, it just wasn't me"... Do for love 2Pac
7.and that song really about sums it up
8.he said he was "sorry".. he didn't mean it...
9.but in my heart, I wanted to smother him lifeless
10.I've learned there is NO justice in JUSTICE system
11.The D.A. Says the case is 8 yrs old and he doesn't care about my impending pregnancy or risk of miscarriage... let's move on as his witness's memories are becoming weaker... (who prosecutes an 8 yr old petty theft case with barely no evidence?)
12. I'm thinking.. Uhh Duh u stupid mothafucca.. U ain't got shit.. but, the judge sides with me and my growing belly... ahhh the sweet smell of injustice. Fuckers!
13. With all these cold case murder shows you'd think they have better things to do with our tax money... *sigh*
14.Why the fuck is Christina Aguiliara's pregnancy top news on Yahoo? Who gives a flying fuck!
15. Ok so Mike Vick failed the weed test.. well, shit.. wtf they think his ass is doing on house arrest? Playing PS2 as himself?
16. Check out this website black people.. informative, scary and funny all at once http://blacknewsweekly.com/
17. This crusty ass, poltergiest looking mofo right here said this:
Dr. James Watson, to the right is a very smart man, but was "inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa" because as he says "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours, whereas all the testing (Standardized) says not really."
18. Denzel killed them this weekend at the box office, unfortunately(BIG SMILE) I was at the Tyrese, Ginuwine, Tank, 112 and Avant concert.. for ANYONE that missed it.. YOU missed it.. cuz they put it down ..... although I am a little bias when it comes to Tyrese.. Something about his beautiful dark skin and perfect white teeth.. oh and the body ain't bad either..that drives me crazy..... And P.S. Al B Was looking REAL GOOD.. Foe a light skin brotha (hahaha) They making a come back!
19. Wtf is wrong with all of these damned rappers? Foxy Brown getting more time while she's in jail.. WTF? She ain't riding on the prison bus to go to court???.. Girl please... still fighting in Rikers Island.. You see, Lil Kim was smart.. she went in and made some friends.. Now, T.I. ( I have no words for him) And recently Da Brat was arrested for getting into a fight with a waitress... *sigh*
20. "Man stop cussing, my moms is right there!" (MarQuin's desperate attempt to save his foul mouthed friend!
21. I felt my baby move for the first time last week... How amazing...
And I am out for now..........
The 21 Things that irritated, intrigued or pissed me off this week list!
1. So he tells me that I am harrassing him.. right? Wrong!
2.Since when did hello become harrassment?
3.I guess when my nipples get hard enough to see thru a thick ass sweater that's an indication that it's cold...
4.If he's number one in your life, I'd hate to see EXACTLY what number you are in his... (negative) - he don't give a fuck! (ok that's not nice cherise, but the truth hurts)
5.I've come to terms that I am just plain weird and strange.. I view the world from my own sick, little abstract mind.
6."the arguements are getting loud, I wanna stay, but I can't help from walking out just a little way.. just take my hand and understand, if you can see.. I NEVER planned to be ya man, it just wasn't me"... Do for love 2Pac
7.and that song really about sums it up
8.he said he was "sorry".. he didn't mean it...
9.but in my heart, I wanted to smother him lifeless
10.I've learned there is NO justice in JUSTICE system
11.The D.A. Says the case is 8 yrs old and he doesn't care about my impending pregnancy or risk of miscarriage... let's move on as his witness's memories are becoming weaker... (who prosecutes an 8 yr old petty theft case with barely no evidence?)
12. I'm thinking.. Uhh Duh u stupid mothafucca.. U ain't got shit.. but, the judge sides with me and my growing belly... ahhh the sweet smell of injustice. Fuckers!
13. With all these cold case murder shows you'd think they have better things to do with our tax money... *sigh*
14.Why the fuck is Christina Aguiliara's pregnancy top news on Yahoo? Who gives a flying fuck!
15. Ok so Mike Vick failed the weed test.. well, shit.. wtf they think his ass is doing on house arrest? Playing PS2 as himself?
16. Check out this website black people.. informative, scary and funny all at once http://blacknewsweekly.com/
17. This crusty ass, poltergiest looking mofo right here said this:
Dr. James Watson, to the right is a very smart man, but was "inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa" because as he says "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours, whereas all the testing (Standardized) says not really."
18. Denzel killed them this weekend at the box office, unfortunately(BIG SMILE) I was at the Tyrese, Ginuwine, Tank, 112 and Avant concert.. for ANYONE that missed it.. YOU missed it.. cuz they put it down ..... although I am a little bias when it comes to Tyrese.. Something about his beautiful dark skin and perfect white teeth.. oh and the body ain't bad either..that drives me crazy..... And P.S. Al B Was looking REAL GOOD.. Foe a light skin brotha (hahaha) They making a come back!
19. Wtf is wrong with all of these damned rappers? Foxy Brown getting more time while she's in jail.. WTF? She ain't riding on the prison bus to go to court???.. Girl please... still fighting in Rikers Island.. You see, Lil Kim was smart.. she went in and made some friends.. Now, T.I. ( I have no words for him) And recently Da Brat was arrested for getting into a fight with a waitress... *sigh*
20. "Man stop cussing, my moms is right there!" (MarQuin's desperate attempt to save his foul mouthed friend!
21. I felt my baby move for the first time last week... How amazing...
And I am out for now..........
1. So he tells me that I am harrassing him.. right? Wrong!
2.Since when did hello become harrassment?
3.I guess when my nipples get hard enough to see thru a thick ass sweater that's an indication that it's cold...
4.If he's number one in your life, I'd hate to see EXACTLY what number you are in his... (negative) - he don't give a fuck! (ok that's not nice cherise, but the truth hurts)
5.I've come to terms that I am just plain weird and strange.. I view the world from my own sick, little abstract mind.
6."the arguements are getting loud, I wanna stay, but I can't help from walking out just a little way.. just take my hand and understand, if you can see.. I NEVER planned to be ya man, it just wasn't me"... Do for love 2Pac
7.and that song really about sums it up
8.he said he was "sorry".. he didn't mean it...
9.but in my heart, I wanted to smother him lifeless
10.I've learned there is NO justice in JUSTICE system
11.The D.A. Says the case is 8 yrs old and he doesn't care about my impending pregnancy or risk of miscarriage... let's move on as his witness's memories are becoming weaker... (who prosecutes an 8 yr old petty theft case with barely no evidence?)
12. I'm thinking.. Uhh Duh u stupid mothafucca.. U ain't got shit.. but, the judge sides with me and my growing belly... ahhh the sweet smell of injustice. Fuckers!
13. With all these cold case murder shows you'd think they have better things to do with our tax money... *sigh*
14.Why the fuck is Christina Aguiliara's pregnancy top news on Yahoo? Who gives a flying fuck!
15. Ok so Mike Vick failed the weed test.. well, shit.. wtf they think his ass is doing on house arrest? Playing PS2 as himself?
16. Check out this website black people.. informative, scary and funny all at once http://blacknewsweekly.com/
17. This crusty ass, poltergiest looking mofo right here said this:
Dr. James Watson, to the right is a very smart man, but was "inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa" because as he says "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours, whereas all the testing (Standardized) says not really."
18. Denzel killed them this weekend at the box office, unfortunately(BIG SMILE) I was at the Tyrese, Ginuwine, Tank, 112 and Avant concert.. for ANYONE that missed it.. YOU missed it.. cuz they put it down ..... although I am a little bias when it comes to Tyrese.. Something about his beautiful dark skin and perfect white teeth.. oh and the body ain't bad either..that drives me crazy..... And P.S. Al B Was looking REAL GOOD.. Foe a light skin brotha (hahaha) They making a come back!
19. Wtf is wrong with all of these damned rappers? Foxy Brown getting more time while she's in jail.. WTF? She ain't riding on the prison bus to go to court???.. Girl please... still fighting in Rikers Island.. You see, Lil Kim was smart.. she went in and made some friends.. Now, T.I. ( I have no words for him) And recently Da Brat was arrested for getting into a fight with a waitress... *sigh*
20. "Man stop cussing, my moms is right there!" (MarQuin's desperate attempt to save his foul mouthed friend!
21. I felt my baby move for the first time last week... How amazing...
And I am out for now..........
EXcerpts from Love
Current mood: busy
Category: Writing and Poetry
Hey A.... it's C
and
Before
I get too deep into this metaphor,
close the door ..relax and sit back
while I take you on a brief journey...
reminiscing bout u and me....
See,
I was up early with thoughts of our
Saturday morning showers n the dark...
which led to walks in the park...
followed by hand holdin'...
mind blowin'...
sexually explicit fantasies
acted out
continously
over and over...
UNTIL
Well,
we'd fight.
Love's spell lifted...
and as everyone predicted,
we'd travelled down that path ...
which led to our own wrath,
unbeknownst to our previous love makin'...
confused and dazed...
yellin' for days.
I'm amazed...
Now,
looking back in retrospect,
I'm finally able to dissect
the epitome
of our
STUPIDITY...
I've realized we were soulmates,
unaware of how to
contemplate
just why we were so great
as one.
Instead, we plotted our own
demise crushing our imperfect,
yet, meant to be,
Union.
I don't know what this is.. it came to me while I was sleeping on two different days. Thank god for Treo's (hey they're worth something) I was able to jot down my thoughts as I laid in the dark. This is how most of my poetry comes now.. in my deepest sleep.. or when I am in between sleep and waking. Maybe that means my baby will be as creative as I can be.. or am? I have a lot of emotions going on right now. Hope anyone who reads this enjoys it.
Thanks, Reese
(Peace)
Dedicated to: the one that lived in heaven and hell... with me.
Category: Writing and Poetry
Hey A.... it's C
and
Before
I get too deep into this metaphor,
close the door ..relax and sit back
while I take you on a brief journey...
reminiscing bout u and me....
See,
I was up early with thoughts of our
Saturday morning showers n the dark...
which led to walks in the park...
followed by hand holdin'...
mind blowin'...
sexually explicit fantasies
acted out
continously
over and over...
UNTIL
Well,
we'd fight.
Love's spell lifted...
and as everyone predicted,
we'd travelled down that path ...
which led to our own wrath,
unbeknownst to our previous love makin'...
confused and dazed...
yellin' for days.
I'm amazed...
Now,
looking back in retrospect,
I'm finally able to dissect
the epitome
of our
STUPIDITY...
I've realized we were soulmates,
unaware of how to
contemplate
just why we were so great
as one.
Instead, we plotted our own
demise crushing our imperfect,
yet, meant to be,
Union.
I don't know what this is.. it came to me while I was sleeping on two different days. Thank god for Treo's (hey they're worth something) I was able to jot down my thoughts as I laid in the dark. This is how most of my poetry comes now.. in my deepest sleep.. or when I am in between sleep and waking. Maybe that means my baby will be as creative as I can be.. or am? I have a lot of emotions going on right now. Hope anyone who reads this enjoys it.
Thanks, Reese
(Peace)
Dedicated to: the one that lived in heaven and hell... with me.
A liar’s symphony
Current mood: confused
Category: Writing and Poetry
Yesterday I lost my ENTIRE blog.. I was pretty perturbed.. so I started writing this and it's not finished.. The inspiration behind it.. well, too painful to bear.
In comparison to the truth you are
the darkest shadow hidden beneath a lonely alley..
even as light sheds upon u..
your darkness continues to spread
capturing unsuspecting souls
now trapped in your web of deceipt.... to be continued.
Category: Writing and Poetry
Yesterday I lost my ENTIRE blog.. I was pretty perturbed.. so I started writing this and it's not finished.. The inspiration behind it.. well, too painful to bear.
In comparison to the truth you are
the darkest shadow hidden beneath a lonely alley..
even as light sheds upon u..
your darkness continues to spread
capturing unsuspecting souls
now trapped in your web of deceipt.... to be continued.
Time alone
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
It's been almost 2 weeks since I've been stuck in this house on bed rest. I never knew that being in the bed could make you feel even MORE tired. UGH! I think my emotions are on a definite rollercoaster right now. One minute I am good, the next minute I am upset. I am constantly worried that I will miscarry any moment... but I have to give my undivided faith to GOD.. because ultimately the decision is left up to him/her.. (smile) So far, so good.. baby is holding on strong.. they have changed my due date to May 13... wow.. if this is my girl and I so desperately BELIEVE it is... it will be like me being born all over again. I will get to do with her what no one did with me.. I will teach her how to love and respect herself.. how to be strong.. I will tell her EVERYDAY that she is beautiful and worthy... I will love her... she will be my hope for life renewed. I am so excited and terrified at the same time... All I can do is pray. I seen the heartbeat last Thursday and the baby inside of the gestational sac... I was AMAZED and I just cried. I am learning first hand how precious and intricate LIFE is from begining to end. I guess as a young girl being pregnant was really nothing important to me... I didn't get a chance to experience every single detail and joy of being pregnant.. My life was upside down then.. but NOW, with all this time alone ... I marvel at this miracle inside of my body... I remember when I had MarQuin.. I was more afraid than excited. He was mine and I had to make sure he was OK... I used to hold him and kiss him.. tell him I loved him more than the whole wide world (something he would soon repeat to me as he grew older), but I never really enjoyed his early childhood... we were, in a sense growing up together... I love him more than anything, but I sure hope this time around I can do just a little better job....
peace
Category: Life
It's been almost 2 weeks since I've been stuck in this house on bed rest. I never knew that being in the bed could make you feel even MORE tired. UGH! I think my emotions are on a definite rollercoaster right now. One minute I am good, the next minute I am upset. I am constantly worried that I will miscarry any moment... but I have to give my undivided faith to GOD.. because ultimately the decision is left up to him/her.. (smile) So far, so good.. baby is holding on strong.. they have changed my due date to May 13... wow.. if this is my girl and I so desperately BELIEVE it is... it will be like me being born all over again. I will get to do with her what no one did with me.. I will teach her how to love and respect herself.. how to be strong.. I will tell her EVERYDAY that she is beautiful and worthy... I will love her... she will be my hope for life renewed. I am so excited and terrified at the same time... All I can do is pray. I seen the heartbeat last Thursday and the baby inside of the gestational sac... I was AMAZED and I just cried. I am learning first hand how precious and intricate LIFE is from begining to end. I guess as a young girl being pregnant was really nothing important to me... I didn't get a chance to experience every single detail and joy of being pregnant.. My life was upside down then.. but NOW, with all this time alone ... I marvel at this miracle inside of my body... I remember when I had MarQuin.. I was more afraid than excited. He was mine and I had to make sure he was OK... I used to hold him and kiss him.. tell him I loved him more than the whole wide world (something he would soon repeat to me as he grew older), but I never really enjoyed his early childhood... we were, in a sense growing up together... I love him more than anything, but I sure hope this time around I can do just a little better job....
peace
The joy of my soul...My pregnancy
Current mood: lonely
Category: Life
This pregnancy is starting off rather rough. I have been in the ER 4 times in the last week due to light spotting and some cramping (which has subsided). I have to be monitored closely as I have a condition called a subchorionic bleed. This means there is a small hematoma in between the fetus and the gestational sac. It is the cause of my spotting. The concern at this point is the hematoma bursting. It can harm the fetus and cause miscarriage.
On Saturday I got the first glimpse of the miracle growing inside of my body. I also seen the heartbeat. So far, Marcel and I aren't really on good terms for reasons beyond this pregnancy. With his job, it makes it difficult for him to be there for me. My only gripe is when he is here.. be here!
Other than that... I am hopeful... Aaron and I tried for many years to have a baby and were unsuccessful. Seems as though this baby is holding for dear life... I am resting and drinking a lot of water... I miss the gym though... I hope everyone will keep me and the baby in their prayers... PLEASE! I am 6 weeks today... and as for big brother to be... I think he is a little concerned.. when I told him I was pregnant he replied, "You're having another kid, that's gonna take away from my money... " ( Yea, that's my son)! I've decided if this pregnancy doesn't thrive I'm NOT gonna try (not like I tried this time... total shock!) anymore. I have my Quin and he is the love of my life... but this baby sure is becoming the joy of my soul.... I will keep everyone updated on my status.. Thanks for all the congrats...
Love, Reese....
P.S. if I get passed this rough spot... I am HOPING for a girl.. Name has already been chosen... Mariah Jolie Fredrick... I have no boy names so far... Marcel and I just can't seem to agree on them! LOL
Category: Life
This pregnancy is starting off rather rough. I have been in the ER 4 times in the last week due to light spotting and some cramping (which has subsided). I have to be monitored closely as I have a condition called a subchorionic bleed. This means there is a small hematoma in between the fetus and the gestational sac. It is the cause of my spotting. The concern at this point is the hematoma bursting. It can harm the fetus and cause miscarriage.
On Saturday I got the first glimpse of the miracle growing inside of my body. I also seen the heartbeat. So far, Marcel and I aren't really on good terms for reasons beyond this pregnancy. With his job, it makes it difficult for him to be there for me. My only gripe is when he is here.. be here!
Other than that... I am hopeful... Aaron and I tried for many years to have a baby and were unsuccessful. Seems as though this baby is holding for dear life... I am resting and drinking a lot of water... I miss the gym though... I hope everyone will keep me and the baby in their prayers... PLEASE! I am 6 weeks today... and as for big brother to be... I think he is a little concerned.. when I told him I was pregnant he replied, "You're having another kid, that's gonna take away from my money... " ( Yea, that's my son)! I've decided if this pregnancy doesn't thrive I'm NOT gonna try (not like I tried this time... total shock!) anymore. I have my Quin and he is the love of my life... but this baby sure is becoming the joy of my soul.... I will keep everyone updated on my status.. Thanks for all the congrats...
Love, Reese....
P.S. if I get passed this rough spot... I am HOPING for a girl.. Name has already been chosen... Mariah Jolie Fredrick... I have no boy names so far... Marcel and I just can't seem to agree on them! LOL
Main Chick Blues.. a poem for you
Current mood: amused
Category: Writing and Poetry
Main Chick Blues...
Written by Cherise J. Thomas
I used to be envious of you and them too.. with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... I contemplated flat stomachs and surguries to get a look that he would be pleased with as so he would not need you or them ..again with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees...
Nothing changed.
I ran for days until my weight was down as it was in my younger stage...Nothing changed. SO I ran away. I hoped he'd see ME, Cherise the way he did you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... Nothing changed.
Time moved on and he'd call from time to time.. we'd get together and make love acting as if I were his and he were mine.. then he'd walk away and I'd feel the same.. the same as I did when we were one or I was pregnant with his kids. Nothing changed. Until one day I realized I'd become just like you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... I was his skeeze whenever he needed a piece of quick ass without any questions asked. Nothing Changed.
Now I understand how lonely that life can be.. and I should ONLY want to be Cherise, never envious of you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... see, I am a natural beauty with a real smile and style... full of life and love deserving much more than some superficial, empty man's promise of love. I have much more to give than what's between my thighs and I've learned to never ever again put my heart and soul into a guy.. who couldn't care less or see what a real woman is about...Cuz he's too busy trying to solidify clout with you and them and your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees...Everything's changed.
( Just a little something I was playing with in my head..so I brought it to life)
P.S. It ain't where he's at, it's where he wants to be.. ( Keyshia Cole)
Category: Writing and Poetry
Main Chick Blues...
Written by Cherise J. Thomas
I used to be envious of you and them too.. with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... I contemplated flat stomachs and surguries to get a look that he would be pleased with as so he would not need you or them ..again with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees...
Nothing changed.
I ran for days until my weight was down as it was in my younger stage...Nothing changed. SO I ran away. I hoped he'd see ME, Cherise the way he did you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... Nothing changed.
Time moved on and he'd call from time to time.. we'd get together and make love acting as if I were his and he were mine.. then he'd walk away and I'd feel the same.. the same as I did when we were one or I was pregnant with his kids. Nothing changed. Until one day I realized I'd become just like you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... I was his skeeze whenever he needed a piece of quick ass without any questions asked. Nothing Changed.
Now I understand how lonely that life can be.. and I should ONLY want to be Cherise, never envious of you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... see, I am a natural beauty with a real smile and style... full of life and love deserving much more than some superficial, empty man's promise of love. I have much more to give than what's between my thighs and I've learned to never ever again put my heart and soul into a guy.. who couldn't care less or see what a real woman is about...Cuz he's too busy trying to solidify clout with you and them and your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees...Everything's changed.
( Just a little something I was playing with in my head..so I brought it to life)
P.S. It ain't where he's at, it's where he wants to be.. ( Keyshia Cole)
Me and my bright ideas
Current mood: dorky
Category: Life
I'm at home getting ready for the gym when I get this great idea! Why spend my time cooped up in the gym on such a beautiful day..right? I ask my son if he wants to go skating with me. He agrees and we suit up. First mistake, I left my water. You don't realize how truly HOT it is outside until you get out there and it seems the sun has an obssession with the top of my forehead. By the time I get to the corner, I am fully sweating (note: the corner is about uhhhh 100 steps away). I breathe a sigh of relief when I seen the hamburger stand at the corner and I immediately direct MarQuin to go get me some water. After gulping down the water in one big ass swallow we journey on. Now mind you, I have not officially skated "outside" in years. There's a big difference from skating in a rink, which is a controlled environment, to a sidewalk, where u NEVER know what u will encounter. We get half way up the road, or I do at least, MarQuin been left me at this point .. I decide to cross the street. I position myself into the cross walk at an angle that the cars can see me... I step out and WHAT! This mothafucca in a city truck almost hits me.. I'm pissed, cursing and yelling while trying to hold my balance.. this fool gets out of the car... ok, now what.. I'm yelling .. and he says " Get out of the street!" I yell back, " It's a cross walk mothafucca! I'm supposed to be in the street!". Another motorist agrees and gets out of his car to yell too. He tells the man I'm gonna report you! LOL Me and Quin skate on. Now, it feels like I finally got the hang of it right! I'm gliding along feeling the ocean breeze... we skate farther and farther until we hit some rough ass driveways... I go careening down the sidewalk full speed and hit the bump hard.. I wobble all the way across the street, up the next driveway and run right into the light pole. My son just looks on in amazement. This couldn't have been so hard back in the day. I remember climbing and jumbing.. sliding and one leg rolling.. what the hell happened to me.. Well, I will tell you what happened... My ass got old. I'm 31 and uncoordinated. I didn't have breasts back then and I sure didn't have all these hips.. it was easier to slide and glide... I was so embarrassed. My son said, " Momma, your face is red... hahaha".... yea well, it's that damned bright ass spot light from the sun.. I skate on the best I could.. avoiding potholes and trees.. I finally get back on my street and I'm relieved.. I think to myself... " The gym is the safest place for me to be....."
Category: Life
I'm at home getting ready for the gym when I get this great idea! Why spend my time cooped up in the gym on such a beautiful day..right? I ask my son if he wants to go skating with me. He agrees and we suit up. First mistake, I left my water. You don't realize how truly HOT it is outside until you get out there and it seems the sun has an obssession with the top of my forehead. By the time I get to the corner, I am fully sweating (note: the corner is about uhhhh 100 steps away). I breathe a sigh of relief when I seen the hamburger stand at the corner and I immediately direct MarQuin to go get me some water. After gulping down the water in one big ass swallow we journey on. Now mind you, I have not officially skated "outside" in years. There's a big difference from skating in a rink, which is a controlled environment, to a sidewalk, where u NEVER know what u will encounter. We get half way up the road, or I do at least, MarQuin been left me at this point .. I decide to cross the street. I position myself into the cross walk at an angle that the cars can see me... I step out and WHAT! This mothafucca in a city truck almost hits me.. I'm pissed, cursing and yelling while trying to hold my balance.. this fool gets out of the car... ok, now what.. I'm yelling .. and he says " Get out of the street!" I yell back, " It's a cross walk mothafucca! I'm supposed to be in the street!". Another motorist agrees and gets out of his car to yell too. He tells the man I'm gonna report you! LOL Me and Quin skate on. Now, it feels like I finally got the hang of it right! I'm gliding along feeling the ocean breeze... we skate farther and farther until we hit some rough ass driveways... I go careening down the sidewalk full speed and hit the bump hard.. I wobble all the way across the street, up the next driveway and run right into the light pole. My son just looks on in amazement. This couldn't have been so hard back in the day. I remember climbing and jumbing.. sliding and one leg rolling.. what the hell happened to me.. Well, I will tell you what happened... My ass got old. I'm 31 and uncoordinated. I didn't have breasts back then and I sure didn't have all these hips.. it was easier to slide and glide... I was so embarrassed. My son said, " Momma, your face is red... hahaha".... yea well, it's that damned bright ass spot light from the sun.. I skate on the best I could.. avoiding potholes and trees.. I finally get back on my street and I'm relieved.. I think to myself... " The gym is the safest place for me to be....."
10 WEIRD things about me ( as if there's only 10)
Current mood: awake
Category: Blogging
"The rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with ten(10) of your weird attributes or habits. After wh."ich, you need to choose ten(10) people you wish to tag and leave a comment for each of them that reads, 'You Are Tagged', and instruct them to read your blog to learn the rules
Gotdamn Teej started this shhh and Now Dave tagged me.. So here it goes..
Wonder woman...
1. Ok, so when I was like 8 or 9 I had some Wonder woman underoo's, (that I wore EVERYWHERE)wrist bands, headband and light switch cover... it's safe to say, I loved me some Wonder Woman... SOOO, everyday around 1 p.m. I used to have this personal arguement with myself about whether I should watch Wonder Woman or go play. This became sort of a daily battle with myself for about 2 summers... needless to say, Wonder Woman usually won!
Tweezers
2. Aaron will get a kick out of this one... Ok, so whereever I go.. whether it be to the store, driving, on a trip or to the gym.. I MUST have my BOTH sets of my tweezers. WHY? Because I am ALWAYS plucking some kind of hair off of my chin, my eyebrows or anywhere that I feel there is an unwanted hair. IF I forget my tweezers I either A. Must go home and get them or B. Find the nearest beauty supply store and get replacements ASAP! If I don't, I could freak out and tear into my face with my nails.. ( i can't believe I just revealed this) LMAO For some reason tweezing keeps me calm.. go figure
Mirrors
3. I avoid being in front of the mirror naked at all costs! Yes, many of u may find me attractive... and yes I work out a lot and YES I've lost several pounds, but for the life of me I can't stand to see myself naked in a mirror.. and those department store mirrors count too.
Peeing.... dreams and almost accidents
4. Since everyone else went there.. I will too.. I have had SEVERAL pee dreams, but mine extend beyond peeing. Let's just say my stomach ain't so great and if I gotta go, I gotta go. Case in point, I was on the road with Marcel a few weeks ago.. and we were in the middle of Louisiana.. nothing but trees for days.. I'd eaten some type of something I wasn't supposed to... and my stomach was rumbling. I was like ahhh ohhh.. the roads down south are bit rough, hell, they are A LOT rough.. and all the bumping and thumping stirred up trouble in my belly.. hahaha I politely turn to my baby, with a sour look on my face and say, " I really gotta go to the bathroom".. Well, the next bathroom ain't for like 25 miles.. that's not the business. Well, I had to get out on the side of the road... How embarrassing, right? Well, it gets even better. How about a storm broke in the middle of me doing my business... and I was DRENCHED! Soaked... All wet and in tears... I opened the door to the truck and he just looked at me and laughed. UGH!
Falling
5. When I was 17, I was in camp. I was taking a shower in one of those public locker rooms with the 5 heads on one stand. Back then my body was pretty flawless, so I just tied the lil towel around my waist and trotted out with my chi's chi's showing and my shower shoes on. Well, the floor was concrete and wet.. and guess who did the slip and slide in front of 100 other girls and staff.. YUP me.. like a yellow, naked fish... LMAO
Possible OCD
6. So, I may have a slight case of OCD (as featured on Tyra the other day). Everything has to have a place.. and I mean it! Someone once came to my house and moved my center piece on my coffee table (purposely) ! I sat all of 10 minutes and I HAD to move it back... (although u may not be able to tell by the looks of my bedroom) AND I absolutely deplore dirty carpet. Can't stand it.. it will drive me nuts!! I will move out of a place if the carpet gets dirty and I can't get it clean.
No you can't touch it!
7. Ok, So I've been working out about a year consistantly now.. but I still have several issues with my stomach. I hide it! Really I do and if you're ever lucky enough to become intimate with me.. You WILL NEVER SEE IT.. not until I am done with it's reconstruction.. haha.. Aaron used to get so mad at me about that.. and so does my currently main squeeze. ;)
Like a boy
8. I am a big time tomboy... I depise dresses and u will rarely see me sporting any kind of skirt, skort that's NOT longer than my knees. I've always had this phobia about possibly getting into a fight or accident and my underwear is exposed. It's not like they're not clean, but what if it's that time of the month or anything. I'd be devastated.. ( and I'm sure there are worse things that can happen) But my closest friends have always heard me say that I feel like I'm cross dressing when I have on a dress.. LOL Imma jeans and tight tshirt girl ;)
Sleep talking?
9. I've been told that I talk in my sleep. This hasn't been confirmed, but I will take his word for it! I mean, not just one word here or there, but actual conversations. I've even been known to tell on myself occassionally. So if I have any secrets... put me to bed and they may be revealed... ;)
Dancing with the stars...
10.When I was a child and far into my adolesence I danced.. everything was dancing at one point... When I was 8, I entered a Michael Jackson dance contest and broke 2nd place with my rendition of Billie Jean. Even though my dreams of becoming the next big Paula Abdul were crushed long ago... I still choerograph entire routines in my bedroom off of my fav songs.. Yea, I do.. and we can have a dance off any day sucka's... I still got it. LOL
Yea, I just revealed some shit only a few select people know... and there is probably more weird shit about me.. but then we'd have to create a blog for ex's or family members to reveal what they feel is weird about us.. Although, I still don't think I am as weird as Teej ( i love u baby)... Now, I'm doing the tagging bitches! LMAO
1.Juswill
2.CJ wright
3.Church
4.Cloda (of course ;) )
5.SHAY
6. ALL Of my sisters
7.Aaron
8. Mark
9.mikey
10. Drum roll Please..... My cousin Jon Jon ( that shit should be funny) LOL
Category: Blogging
"The rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with ten(10) of your weird attributes or habits. After wh."ich, you need to choose ten(10) people you wish to tag and leave a comment for each of them that reads, 'You Are Tagged', and instruct them to read your blog to learn the rules
Gotdamn Teej started this shhh and Now Dave tagged me.. So here it goes..
Wonder woman...
1. Ok, so when I was like 8 or 9 I had some Wonder woman underoo's, (that I wore EVERYWHERE)wrist bands, headband and light switch cover... it's safe to say, I loved me some Wonder Woman... SOOO, everyday around 1 p.m. I used to have this personal arguement with myself about whether I should watch Wonder Woman or go play. This became sort of a daily battle with myself for about 2 summers... needless to say, Wonder Woman usually won!
Tweezers
2. Aaron will get a kick out of this one... Ok, so whereever I go.. whether it be to the store, driving, on a trip or to the gym.. I MUST have my BOTH sets of my tweezers. WHY? Because I am ALWAYS plucking some kind of hair off of my chin, my eyebrows or anywhere that I feel there is an unwanted hair. IF I forget my tweezers I either A. Must go home and get them or B. Find the nearest beauty supply store and get replacements ASAP! If I don't, I could freak out and tear into my face with my nails.. ( i can't believe I just revealed this) LMAO For some reason tweezing keeps me calm.. go figure
Mirrors
3. I avoid being in front of the mirror naked at all costs! Yes, many of u may find me attractive... and yes I work out a lot and YES I've lost several pounds, but for the life of me I can't stand to see myself naked in a mirror.. and those department store mirrors count too.
Peeing.... dreams and almost accidents
4. Since everyone else went there.. I will too.. I have had SEVERAL pee dreams, but mine extend beyond peeing. Let's just say my stomach ain't so great and if I gotta go, I gotta go. Case in point, I was on the road with Marcel a few weeks ago.. and we were in the middle of Louisiana.. nothing but trees for days.. I'd eaten some type of something I wasn't supposed to... and my stomach was rumbling. I was like ahhh ohhh.. the roads down south are bit rough, hell, they are A LOT rough.. and all the bumping and thumping stirred up trouble in my belly.. hahaha I politely turn to my baby, with a sour look on my face and say, " I really gotta go to the bathroom".. Well, the next bathroom ain't for like 25 miles.. that's not the business. Well, I had to get out on the side of the road... How embarrassing, right? Well, it gets even better. How about a storm broke in the middle of me doing my business... and I was DRENCHED! Soaked... All wet and in tears... I opened the door to the truck and he just looked at me and laughed. UGH!
Falling
5. When I was 17, I was in camp. I was taking a shower in one of those public locker rooms with the 5 heads on one stand. Back then my body was pretty flawless, so I just tied the lil towel around my waist and trotted out with my chi's chi's showing and my shower shoes on. Well, the floor was concrete and wet.. and guess who did the slip and slide in front of 100 other girls and staff.. YUP me.. like a yellow, naked fish... LMAO
Possible OCD
6. So, I may have a slight case of OCD (as featured on Tyra the other day). Everything has to have a place.. and I mean it! Someone once came to my house and moved my center piece on my coffee table (purposely) ! I sat all of 10 minutes and I HAD to move it back... (although u may not be able to tell by the looks of my bedroom) AND I absolutely deplore dirty carpet. Can't stand it.. it will drive me nuts!! I will move out of a place if the carpet gets dirty and I can't get it clean.
No you can't touch it!
7. Ok, So I've been working out about a year consistantly now.. but I still have several issues with my stomach. I hide it! Really I do and if you're ever lucky enough to become intimate with me.. You WILL NEVER SEE IT.. not until I am done with it's reconstruction.. haha.. Aaron used to get so mad at me about that.. and so does my currently main squeeze. ;)
Like a boy
8. I am a big time tomboy... I depise dresses and u will rarely see me sporting any kind of skirt, skort that's NOT longer than my knees. I've always had this phobia about possibly getting into a fight or accident and my underwear is exposed. It's not like they're not clean, but what if it's that time of the month or anything. I'd be devastated.. ( and I'm sure there are worse things that can happen) But my closest friends have always heard me say that I feel like I'm cross dressing when I have on a dress.. LOL Imma jeans and tight tshirt girl ;)
Sleep talking?
9. I've been told that I talk in my sleep. This hasn't been confirmed, but I will take his word for it! I mean, not just one word here or there, but actual conversations. I've even been known to tell on myself occassionally. So if I have any secrets... put me to bed and they may be revealed... ;)
Dancing with the stars...
10.When I was a child and far into my adolesence I danced.. everything was dancing at one point... When I was 8, I entered a Michael Jackson dance contest and broke 2nd place with my rendition of Billie Jean. Even though my dreams of becoming the next big Paula Abdul were crushed long ago... I still choerograph entire routines in my bedroom off of my fav songs.. Yea, I do.. and we can have a dance off any day sucka's... I still got it. LOL
Yea, I just revealed some shit only a few select people know... and there is probably more weird shit about me.. but then we'd have to create a blog for ex's or family members to reveal what they feel is weird about us.. Although, I still don't think I am as weird as Teej ( i love u baby)... Now, I'm doing the tagging bitches! LMAO
1.Juswill
2.CJ wright
3.Church
4.Cloda (of course ;) )
5.SHAY
6. ALL Of my sisters
7.Aaron
8. Mark
9.mikey
10. Drum roll Please..... My cousin Jon Jon ( that shit should be funny) LOL
So many questions..... no answers.
Current mood: rejected
Category: Life
What happens when new love becomes old love? When smiles become frowns and laughter becomes painful? I'm just wondering out loud. Sometimes I still get jealous when I think of "him" with other women... does that mean I am still in love or attached to "him"? Nope. I don't believe so. I wrote this poem in my now, broken treo... I lost it.. Oh well! I've been losing a lot for the last 2 years. I went to the gym last night and spend 22 minutes on the cardio machine.. then I walked away.. I was tired... exhausted.. burned out... this morning my body feels like it's been in a car accident. I have to regroup. Am I the only one in this world who feels so unaccomplished and lost? I've gone back in forth in between two states searching for somewhere to belong to. Anywhere.. a job, a career.. a person, a friend.. but it NEVER happens. NEVER. I write until I cannot think of anything else to say. Still, no one understands me. If I give myself to someone and I exhale all of my pain......... confiding, trusting.. wanting to be truthful... and they turn around and spit it right back in your face... then, what else is there? Who can I trust? I don't write these blogs because I want people to feel sorry for me or I'm attempting to cast a dark light on whomever happens to be in my life. I write simply because it's the only thing I can trust. For anyone out there that has children... especially little girls, understand this: Everything that touches them physically or emotionally will ALWAYS affect them.. forever. I can never seem to get past my most basic need ... LOVE. But yet I've misconstrued love for so many years that at this point in my life I have no clue what it is. I told Marcel the other day, " If I give up on me and you give up on me, who's gonna be there for me?" ... I meant that.
While I sit fighting right now.. for who I am and where I wanna go in life.. I'm fighting alone... when I sit in court and listen to a judge talk about me as I am not there.. I sit alone... when I look at my son, and listen as he rambles off a thousand things he needs and wants.. and I KNOW I can't possibly get them.. I sit alone.. My point is ... I didn't bring myself into the world alone... I had two parents.. but neither seemed prepared or stable enough to provide me with any self assurance or self respect to nurture my growth into adulthood, therefore I relied solely on other people to fill the void... I wasn't involved alone in any alleged thefts .... but, I'm falling alone.. and I damn sure didn't get myself pregnant alone... and again.. I am just rambling shit off... because my brain is on overload right about now!
Nevertheless, I perservere... because it's who I am. I will be returning to work soon.. and shortly after my financial status will change. I haven't decided if I'm going back to school or not. I want to, but it's in the air for now. I'd like to get this book published. I'm done and it's just sitting here at my desk.. quietly waiting for me to get off my ass and send it to the government for my copy rights. I notice as I get older... I become more humble. go figure. Last night I was laying in my bed and I thought... I wonder how many people are thinking of me at this moment? Probably none, but then I get a text in the middle of the night from someone asking if I am ok... and be mindful that this "someone" is a person I was sure hated my guts.. Then Marcel calls at midnight... sooo.. Maybe I'm loved after all... (smile)
One more thing, I am tired of doing everything for everybody.. whether it be cleaning up at my house and I am NEVER there.. or listening... or giving money... rides.. places to stay.. cars... furniture..or just ME. All the shit I've done for everyone in the last 7 years has gotten me nowhere.. I still feel alone.. and I still feel like shit.. and in the meantime, I lose real friends...myself, my money or my time... I get involved in petty disputes with friends I love dearly.. all for what? So I won't be alone. That's how I lost the love of my life....
(sorry aaron)
Peace. Reese
Category: Life
What happens when new love becomes old love? When smiles become frowns and laughter becomes painful? I'm just wondering out loud. Sometimes I still get jealous when I think of "him" with other women... does that mean I am still in love or attached to "him"? Nope. I don't believe so. I wrote this poem in my now, broken treo... I lost it.. Oh well! I've been losing a lot for the last 2 years. I went to the gym last night and spend 22 minutes on the cardio machine.. then I walked away.. I was tired... exhausted.. burned out... this morning my body feels like it's been in a car accident. I have to regroup. Am I the only one in this world who feels so unaccomplished and lost? I've gone back in forth in between two states searching for somewhere to belong to. Anywhere.. a job, a career.. a person, a friend.. but it NEVER happens. NEVER. I write until I cannot think of anything else to say. Still, no one understands me. If I give myself to someone and I exhale all of my pain......... confiding, trusting.. wanting to be truthful... and they turn around and spit it right back in your face... then, what else is there? Who can I trust? I don't write these blogs because I want people to feel sorry for me or I'm attempting to cast a dark light on whomever happens to be in my life. I write simply because it's the only thing I can trust. For anyone out there that has children... especially little girls, understand this: Everything that touches them physically or emotionally will ALWAYS affect them.. forever. I can never seem to get past my most basic need ... LOVE. But yet I've misconstrued love for so many years that at this point in my life I have no clue what it is. I told Marcel the other day, " If I give up on me and you give up on me, who's gonna be there for me?" ... I meant that.
While I sit fighting right now.. for who I am and where I wanna go in life.. I'm fighting alone... when I sit in court and listen to a judge talk about me as I am not there.. I sit alone... when I look at my son, and listen as he rambles off a thousand things he needs and wants.. and I KNOW I can't possibly get them.. I sit alone.. My point is ... I didn't bring myself into the world alone... I had two parents.. but neither seemed prepared or stable enough to provide me with any self assurance or self respect to nurture my growth into adulthood, therefore I relied solely on other people to fill the void... I wasn't involved alone in any alleged thefts .... but, I'm falling alone.. and I damn sure didn't get myself pregnant alone... and again.. I am just rambling shit off... because my brain is on overload right about now!
Nevertheless, I perservere... because it's who I am. I will be returning to work soon.. and shortly after my financial status will change. I haven't decided if I'm going back to school or not. I want to, but it's in the air for now. I'd like to get this book published. I'm done and it's just sitting here at my desk.. quietly waiting for me to get off my ass and send it to the government for my copy rights. I notice as I get older... I become more humble. go figure. Last night I was laying in my bed and I thought... I wonder how many people are thinking of me at this moment? Probably none, but then I get a text in the middle of the night from someone asking if I am ok... and be mindful that this "someone" is a person I was sure hated my guts.. Then Marcel calls at midnight... sooo.. Maybe I'm loved after all... (smile)
One more thing, I am tired of doing everything for everybody.. whether it be cleaning up at my house and I am NEVER there.. or listening... or giving money... rides.. places to stay.. cars... furniture..or just ME. All the shit I've done for everyone in the last 7 years has gotten me nowhere.. I still feel alone.. and I still feel like shit.. and in the meantime, I lose real friends...myself, my money or my time... I get involved in petty disputes with friends I love dearly.. all for what? So I won't be alone. That's how I lost the love of my life....
(sorry aaron)
Peace. Reese
August 14, 2007
I’m soooo E mo SHUN nal
My heart....
Lately I've been contemplating writing a list ... especially since I've been on the road for the last month and seen so many things. For some reason, I couldn't fathom how to put it all together. Let's see, things have progressed so fast for me lately. I've been across the country 3 times in the last 6 weeks. I've met a man who's turned my world upside down. Good, bad or indifferent he did and I don't know what to do about it. I've come to realize that I attach myself to the idea of LOVE instead of actually allowing LOVE to manifest and grow. Maybe I am LOVE. At this point, I am unsure if I can continue on with him. When you travel at 80 mph you tend to miss a lot of important details passing by.... for instance, trust, honesty and respect. You may be fooled into believing these things existed, but in all actuality they never did. Let me leave it at that. It's not my intention to ponder any further about if I made a HUGE mistake in letting this person into my realm, which is forever evolving.. (smile) because in my heart, I still feel it was the right thing to do. For whatever it's worth he showed me a new side to myself and he made me better. He made me STOP and carefully analyze my personality in a way I'd never done before. I loved watching him watch me. We were talking the other day ( we do a lot of that lately) and he said to me, " I think you're too advanced for me, like the way you put things together, you're gifted. I haven't read ALL of your blogs, but you don't have to, to know you have a gift. I could NEVER listen to a song the way you do. And of course your beautiful too, but I am not caught up on your looks. With you being mixed and all"..... I laid there for a long time, suffocating in my tears after he said this to me... I want this to work soo bad... but with LOVE, you just NEVER know, right? It's hard to downshift from fast to slow when you've been speeding the ENTIRE time.
On the road...
Ok, black people. If I see one more cadillac, buick, cavalier or old ass MC, with missing doors, a rusted hood, painted wording that says things like, "Kiki love Dayshawn" Or "This is why I'm Hot" with some 20", 22" or 24" rims, ya'll are going to JAIL! How the hell does everyone in the middle of tim buck two have rims on their car? We are rolling in the depths of Mississippi Burning... rednecks, chickens, cows, forests for days... and what do I see... spinners, rims, low riders, jheri curls, corn rolls, colored weaves and I've had enough! lmao On some real talk, we NEED to get it together black people. ALL OF US!
The best part about being on the road is the tranquality. We'd ride for hours and I'd stare out of the window, just watching and thinking..... dreaming. I love the animals. Especially the cows! They are sooo majestic to me. Yea, I said Majestic. Have you ever watched a cow? Well, until you do.. shut it up! Haha! From time to time he'd ask me what I was thinking about.... it varied, but usually my life... my dreams and where I want to go with all of this writing I do. We'd pull over in the middle of a storm and just lay there... listening or watching the lightening. We got caught in a bad storm in Mississippi and when I say I almost drowned walking.. dammit, I did! But once you get yourself of the element... you can actually sit back and enjoy nature in it's purest form. One night we pulled over somewhere near New Mexico and Texas... we opened the back windows and went to sleep. I swear the cool, crisp air put me right to sleep and it was the best damned sleep of my life... ya'll KNOW how much I LOVE to sleep... lol Anyhow, overall being on the road is very interesting and exciting. You meet a lot of people from different walks of life and the Walmarts down south have much better merchandise.. go figure.
Crazy ass people
Why the hell did a man chase a 6 year old boy with a meat clever and stab him to death. Not soon after stabbing the mother as well. Now, the report said there were SEVERAL witness'. Ok, I don't know about you, but if I see a clown chasing a baby with a meat clever, I am NOT going to just sit back and watch. I will run his ass over... get a bat, a gun, something... but there's no way I'd just sit back and let it happen. Needless to say, the baby died and the mother is in critical condition. The world is really on it's last leg......
Peace.
Lately I've been contemplating writing a list ... especially since I've been on the road for the last month and seen so many things. For some reason, I couldn't fathom how to put it all together. Let's see, things have progressed so fast for me lately. I've been across the country 3 times in the last 6 weeks. I've met a man who's turned my world upside down. Good, bad or indifferent he did and I don't know what to do about it. I've come to realize that I attach myself to the idea of LOVE instead of actually allowing LOVE to manifest and grow. Maybe I am LOVE. At this point, I am unsure if I can continue on with him. When you travel at 80 mph you tend to miss a lot of important details passing by.... for instance, trust, honesty and respect. You may be fooled into believing these things existed, but in all actuality they never did. Let me leave it at that. It's not my intention to ponder any further about if I made a HUGE mistake in letting this person into my realm, which is forever evolving.. (smile) because in my heart, I still feel it was the right thing to do. For whatever it's worth he showed me a new side to myself and he made me better. He made me STOP and carefully analyze my personality in a way I'd never done before. I loved watching him watch me. We were talking the other day ( we do a lot of that lately) and he said to me, " I think you're too advanced for me, like the way you put things together, you're gifted. I haven't read ALL of your blogs, but you don't have to, to know you have a gift. I could NEVER listen to a song the way you do. And of course your beautiful too, but I am not caught up on your looks. With you being mixed and all"..... I laid there for a long time, suffocating in my tears after he said this to me... I want this to work soo bad... but with LOVE, you just NEVER know, right? It's hard to downshift from fast to slow when you've been speeding the ENTIRE time.
On the road...
Ok, black people. If I see one more cadillac, buick, cavalier or old ass MC, with missing doors, a rusted hood, painted wording that says things like, "Kiki love Dayshawn" Or "This is why I'm Hot" with some 20", 22" or 24" rims, ya'll are going to JAIL! How the hell does everyone in the middle of tim buck two have rims on their car? We are rolling in the depths of Mississippi Burning... rednecks, chickens, cows, forests for days... and what do I see... spinners, rims, low riders, jheri curls, corn rolls, colored weaves and I've had enough! lmao On some real talk, we NEED to get it together black people. ALL OF US!
The best part about being on the road is the tranquality. We'd ride for hours and I'd stare out of the window, just watching and thinking..... dreaming. I love the animals. Especially the cows! They are sooo majestic to me. Yea, I said Majestic. Have you ever watched a cow? Well, until you do.. shut it up! Haha! From time to time he'd ask me what I was thinking about.... it varied, but usually my life... my dreams and where I want to go with all of this writing I do. We'd pull over in the middle of a storm and just lay there... listening or watching the lightening. We got caught in a bad storm in Mississippi and when I say I almost drowned walking.. dammit, I did! But once you get yourself of the element... you can actually sit back and enjoy nature in it's purest form. One night we pulled over somewhere near New Mexico and Texas... we opened the back windows and went to sleep. I swear the cool, crisp air put me right to sleep and it was the best damned sleep of my life... ya'll KNOW how much I LOVE to sleep... lol Anyhow, overall being on the road is very interesting and exciting. You meet a lot of people from different walks of life and the Walmarts down south have much better merchandise.. go figure.
Crazy ass people
Why the hell did a man chase a 6 year old boy with a meat clever and stab him to death. Not soon after stabbing the mother as well. Now, the report said there were SEVERAL witness'. Ok, I don't know about you, but if I see a clown chasing a baby with a meat clever, I am NOT going to just sit back and watch. I will run his ass over... get a bat, a gun, something... but there's no way I'd just sit back and let it happen. Needless to say, the baby died and the mother is in critical condition. The world is really on it's last leg......
Peace.
My Thoughts
Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships
Is it me or my past that's pushing you away?
I'm full of pain, I know this, but I am trying to learn trust beyond my pain. I let him in, farther than I'd expected. He touched me with his heart...he says he needs me... he wants me to be a part of him. He's made mistakes... he asked for forgiveness and I nodded in agreement, but kept the resentment close at hand. I want him near when we're apart. His words seem so foreign to me as if every line is a cold, calculated lie... formulated just to get away from me. What am I doing? Is it my intuition telling me to back off or is it my spoiled, uncontrollable ways that is pushing him away. I love him. I said it out loud and it frightened me... who am I to be loved? I thought... but I am worthy of real love, right? Too much pain.... too many memories... too many dreams of what coulda been, but never transpired... but he loves me, right? I can't tell...
Category: Romance and Relationships
Is it me or my past that's pushing you away?
I'm full of pain, I know this, but I am trying to learn trust beyond my pain. I let him in, farther than I'd expected. He touched me with his heart...he says he needs me... he wants me to be a part of him. He's made mistakes... he asked for forgiveness and I nodded in agreement, but kept the resentment close at hand. I want him near when we're apart. His words seem so foreign to me as if every line is a cold, calculated lie... formulated just to get away from me. What am I doing? Is it my intuition telling me to back off or is it my spoiled, uncontrollable ways that is pushing him away. I love him. I said it out loud and it frightened me... who am I to be loved? I thought... but I am worthy of real love, right? Too much pain.... too many memories... too many dreams of what coulda been, but never transpired... but he loves me, right? I can't tell...
Fuck Nancy Grace....
Current mood: annoyed
Category: News and Politics
..
I'm sure everyone is now well abreast with the Michael Vick indictment. I happen to be ONE of Mike Vicks biggest fans. I've followed the story from day one when they began the investigation. I also know that one can be indicted for anything... that doesn't necessarily mean ONE is GUILTY. I'm in the gym the other night and I glance up at one the various t.v's and who do I see? Fucking Nancy Grace. Now this bitch got on my nerves during the whole Kobe rape ordeal, but what really irks my nerves the most is how she goes about convicting someone without any evidence. It's amazing how there are lobbyist and politicians placing bill after bill in efforts of getting laws passed to censor hip hop artists, but this woman can say and do anything on PUBLIC television. Everything she says is pure speculation. Personally, I don't know if Vick did this or not. No, I don't condone animal abuse in any way shape or form, but I respect the fact that he is due a fare trial..period! Until the courts find and convict him of a crime.. I am going to support this brotha. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common to be guilty until proven innocent. Honestly, what can we expect. This is America.. right? A country built on the blood and sweat of minorities. How can we trust people that stole everything they have? Yea, well, Like I said, FUCK NANCY GRACE and BILL O'REILLY TOO!
Category: News and Politics
..
I'm sure everyone is now well abreast with the Michael Vick indictment. I happen to be ONE of Mike Vicks biggest fans. I've followed the story from day one when they began the investigation. I also know that one can be indicted for anything... that doesn't necessarily mean ONE is GUILTY. I'm in the gym the other night and I glance up at one the various t.v's and who do I see? Fucking Nancy Grace. Now this bitch got on my nerves during the whole Kobe rape ordeal, but what really irks my nerves the most is how she goes about convicting someone without any evidence. It's amazing how there are lobbyist and politicians placing bill after bill in efforts of getting laws passed to censor hip hop artists, but this woman can say and do anything on PUBLIC television. Everything she says is pure speculation. Personally, I don't know if Vick did this or not. No, I don't condone animal abuse in any way shape or form, but I respect the fact that he is due a fare trial..period! Until the courts find and convict him of a crime.. I am going to support this brotha. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common to be guilty until proven innocent. Honestly, what can we expect. This is America.. right? A country built on the blood and sweat of minorities. How can we trust people that stole everything they have? Yea, well, Like I said, FUCK NANCY GRACE and BILL O'REILLY TOO!
He's my smile
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Current mood: thankful
Category: Romance and Relationships
It happened so suddenly...
I wasn't looking or even thinking about being in love or in like or shit... in anything! I was content on having my daily battles with Aaron about whether or not we should be together or who did what to who. I was trapped in negativity, mascarading in a facade of happiness. As Teej would say, I was in the pits... I heard the echo's of several friend's voices in their futile attempts to rescue me... they ALL failed... miserably. Until HE whispered my name and the wind carried his voice all the way to my heart. He said he wanted to rescue me... I ignored the first attempt and the 2nd as well.. but on the 3rd try, he pulled me out... into the sunshine.. for the first time in months I seen my smile. I've been told I'm in love with being in love, but this time I just might actually be in love with HIM.
Chivarly lives....
He's unlike any man I've ever known. He's quiet and calm. Sexy and sweet. He was even a tad bit perturbed with me when I'd open my own doors. Going forward, I've since allowed him the pleasure of doing so.. He watches me intently as if I'm a work of art. He listens enthuastically when I speak and smiles when I smile. He is everything I've NEVER experienced. He gives me hope that love exists... with all his charm and simplicity... he's more man than i've ever known. When he kisses me my soul warms. I find myself lost in time whenever I'm with him... a never ending happily ever after... it's surreal almost.. too good to be true? I thought so, but he hasn't changed. He still opens my doors....Gets up out of his sleep to walk with me in the cold to the restroom... buys food for me even when I'm pouting and giving him a hard time... points out a star in the sky and a dolphin in the ocean. He tries his damnedest to understand me and accept me... for that I'm grateful. He's a good man. Maybe, one day I will be his..................... who knows.. but for now the ride is great
Current mood: thankful
Category: Romance and Relationships
It happened so suddenly...
I wasn't looking or even thinking about being in love or in like or shit... in anything! I was content on having my daily battles with Aaron about whether or not we should be together or who did what to who. I was trapped in negativity, mascarading in a facade of happiness. As Teej would say, I was in the pits... I heard the echo's of several friend's voices in their futile attempts to rescue me... they ALL failed... miserably. Until HE whispered my name and the wind carried his voice all the way to my heart. He said he wanted to rescue me... I ignored the first attempt and the 2nd as well.. but on the 3rd try, he pulled me out... into the sunshine.. for the first time in months I seen my smile. I've been told I'm in love with being in love, but this time I just might actually be in love with HIM.
Chivarly lives....
He's unlike any man I've ever known. He's quiet and calm. Sexy and sweet. He was even a tad bit perturbed with me when I'd open my own doors. Going forward, I've since allowed him the pleasure of doing so.. He watches me intently as if I'm a work of art. He listens enthuastically when I speak and smiles when I smile. He is everything I've NEVER experienced. He gives me hope that love exists... with all his charm and simplicity... he's more man than i've ever known. When he kisses me my soul warms. I find myself lost in time whenever I'm with him... a never ending happily ever after... it's surreal almost.. too good to be true? I thought so, but he hasn't changed. He still opens my doors....Gets up out of his sleep to walk with me in the cold to the restroom... buys food for me even when I'm pouting and giving him a hard time... points out a star in the sky and a dolphin in the ocean. He tries his damnedest to understand me and accept me... for that I'm grateful. He's a good man. Maybe, one day I will be his..................... who knows.. but for now the ride is great
Look at all these rumors...surrounding me everyday....
I'm on the road right now....somewhere in the darkness between Texas and New Mexico...it's been lovely, even soul cleansing to breathe in air that actually soothes my mind. I initially hesitated when first asked to take the trip, but for some reason New Orleans beckoned to me. So here I am riding w/ a man that makes me feel like a queen...he revels in my beauty when I'm too misguided to see for myself. I didn't realize I'd be able to let myself become involved with another man so soon in my heartache...but god thru life allows amazing things to occur when we least expect it! So imagine how I felt when he advised me we had a mutual friend in common...or more like he has a friend that knows of me...from the moment he mentioned it to me I was uneasy...I looked at this person's page and didn't recognize her at all...so...being the curious george I am, I began to probe him further. After a full interogation and a long uncomfortable silence he revealed the details of a conversation that literally rocked my world. He went on to explain this woman told him I was promiscious and I had tested positive for HIV...WHOOOA.... Now, I am NOT hiv positive... but what disturbed me even more is the audacity of someone to even say something like this...something so hurtful and sick.... this isn't high school people... a rumor in this capacity could certainly devastate a person's life! I am furious! I contacted this woman directly becaused rumors need to be squashed at the source... I am also considering sueing her ass for defamation of character. I can't believe there are grown ass women still so bitter and envious of others , that they'd stoop to such low levels in the attemp to get a man... funny part is I was just tested for HIV about a month and I'm able to put the nasty rumor to rest...in her hopes of keeping this man from me, she actually pushed him closer to me... I can't wait to get home. peace
June 13, 2007
Enough is enough!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships
I will make this real quick and to the point! If you are married, involved, attached or "someone" else out in the world believes you are... LEAVE ME THE PHUCK ALONE! There is nothing worse than spending 5 years of your life with the man, you think you're going to marry... only to find out he is basically living a "single" life online and has an array of women completely oblivious to your very existence. Going through that caused my own doubts about if I was good enough and raised questions about who I am as a woman. If you've never been through such emotional turmoil, it's indescribable. I wouldn't wish that type of pain on anyone in the world!
My reasons...
For the last 9 months or so I've been taking my son to this very popular barber shop. Lots of men hang out there, obviously, but the owner of the shop took a particular interest in me. He cuts my son's hair and even offered my son a job. Everytime I'd come in the shop, he'd make passes at me or compliment my clothes or hair. I never paid attention until recently. He seemed liked a nice enough man... handsome, successful, so I finally give him my number. He calls later on in the evening. He asked if he could come over... I tell him NO! First off, I don't bring people that I KNOW to my house on a regular basis, secondly, I don't KNOW him from adam.. so, yea it's a no. In addition, that basically told me he only had one interest in me.... so I play a little word game with him. I ask why does he need to come to my house, can't he play in his own home... (yea, I can be a lil naughty) He answers, " Well, you know, I have someone there...." HA! Really... hmmm? a wife I blurt out! He's silent for a moment and then he replies, "Yea, I thought you knew....". Ok, Why the hell would I know? There's a ring missing from your fucking left hand idiot! I try not to let my anger seeth and seep into our conversation. I told him point blank.. I DON'T PLAY WITH MARRIED MEN... PERIOD! He claims to understand and respect that. So, I am curious, I begin to ask WHY he feels the need to cheat. He gives me these ridiculous excuses, for instance, the sparks are gone... other people interferred... he's not IN LOVE anymore... yada yada yada... Well, Mr. Barbershop.. LEAVE. Don't bring another innocent woman into your equation of unhappiness. Understand that I know I am a fairly attractive woman AND I also know I could use my assets as a means of getting to the next level, but THAT'S NOT ME! See, this is how motha f*cca's end up on Unsolved Mysteries and Snapped! I don't fathom I'll ever understand men in my lifetime... but don't worry married ladies.. I am no homewrecker.
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships
I will make this real quick and to the point! If you are married, involved, attached or "someone" else out in the world believes you are... LEAVE ME THE PHUCK ALONE! There is nothing worse than spending 5 years of your life with the man, you think you're going to marry... only to find out he is basically living a "single" life online and has an array of women completely oblivious to your very existence. Going through that caused my own doubts about if I was good enough and raised questions about who I am as a woman. If you've never been through such emotional turmoil, it's indescribable. I wouldn't wish that type of pain on anyone in the world!
My reasons...
For the last 9 months or so I've been taking my son to this very popular barber shop. Lots of men hang out there, obviously, but the owner of the shop took a particular interest in me. He cuts my son's hair and even offered my son a job. Everytime I'd come in the shop, he'd make passes at me or compliment my clothes or hair. I never paid attention until recently. He seemed liked a nice enough man... handsome, successful, so I finally give him my number. He calls later on in the evening. He asked if he could come over... I tell him NO! First off, I don't bring people that I KNOW to my house on a regular basis, secondly, I don't KNOW him from adam.. so, yea it's a no. In addition, that basically told me he only had one interest in me.... so I play a little word game with him. I ask why does he need to come to my house, can't he play in his own home... (yea, I can be a lil naughty) He answers, " Well, you know, I have someone there...." HA! Really... hmmm? a wife I blurt out! He's silent for a moment and then he replies, "Yea, I thought you knew....". Ok, Why the hell would I know? There's a ring missing from your fucking left hand idiot! I try not to let my anger seeth and seep into our conversation. I told him point blank.. I DON'T PLAY WITH MARRIED MEN... PERIOD! He claims to understand and respect that. So, I am curious, I begin to ask WHY he feels the need to cheat. He gives me these ridiculous excuses, for instance, the sparks are gone... other people interferred... he's not IN LOVE anymore... yada yada yada... Well, Mr. Barbershop.. LEAVE. Don't bring another innocent woman into your equation of unhappiness. Understand that I know I am a fairly attractive woman AND I also know I could use my assets as a means of getting to the next level, but THAT'S NOT ME! See, this is how motha f*cca's end up on Unsolved Mysteries and Snapped! I don't fathom I'll ever understand men in my lifetime... but don't worry married ladies.. I am no homewrecker.
More poetry...
Friday, June 08, 2007
Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry
Captured Soul
Copyright Cherise J Thomas 2005
In the eye of the storm is where u explode...furiously yelling and ripping through anything that gets in your way...to get a point across. It`s nature, yet I fight it like it`s not supposed to be. U make your rounds chaotically in and out of my heart like a thief in the night...Tormenting and tearing into my soul, swearing me away, but refusing to let go. You`ve stripped me down to all or nothing, leaving me exposed; but i have nothing to hide that wasn`t already hidden; unconsciously known...in the dark I am cold and confused..violated and abused by the winds of your distrust. Spinning around in the eye of your storm battered about as u refuse to let go...I`ve succombed to your ultimate task at hand & i`ve given u all that I am. I cannot fight back anymore.I am your Captured Soul.
2005cjt
"Grey"
Cjt 2005
This is who I was:
A little girl born innocent in this world.
No stranger to touches.
Curly, long hair,bright brown eyes..tan skin
Black Father; White Mother
full of potential
conflicted within.
No one knew the pain
I kept inside.
They sent me to school
unprepared to deal with
my racial divide.
I was different though
never made aware
Until the day
Parent-Teacher conferences
came and all of my friends just stared.
"Yo Momma Is White" I remember
one kid yelled.. followed by
echoing laughter.
I just shrugged my shoulders
and replied, "oh well"
That day marked the begining
of my own internal fight...
from then I knew It wasn't
cool to be white.
I was hurt & confused...
which led to my own self abuse.
I moved aimlessly from place to place.
In search of identity;love;a plan.
I'd no self respect & found myself
succombing to the desires of a man...
thinking this is all I had..
I didn't understand Why it was so
hard to be loved just for who I am.
My self worth slowly evaporated
and between my legs was the only
thing that validated my heinous reality.
This who I became:
Angry & so Full of hate.
I excluded myself from anything great.
WHO AM I? WHO AM I?
MY SOUL WOULD SCREAM!!
I'm gonna slap this bitch if she
keeps speaking spanish to me!
Doesn't she know I'm Black?
I'm so tired of hearing,
"Well, you don't look Black".
How ignorant is that?
If they had an ounce of intelligence
they'd know that dark skin is not the
only definition of being BLACK!
Color Conscious White Folks;
Envious Black Folks;
They all had my mind blowing up in smoke.
Too Black to be White.. Too white to be black...
It seemed I was the enemy on both sides of the attack.
Which side do I choose?
My heart's in dismay,Seems no matter where I
journey I lose ultimately...
So finally I've decided at the end of this day...
I'm Not black nor white..
I'm just Grey.
Rejection
CJT2006
I'm not the beauty icon you see on T.V..
My honey-colored light skin didn't get me in or
even close for that matter... I'm on the back
of the bus, invisible to the struggle surrounding
me....detached revolutionary, dark dreamer and
black power believer!
I am not his image of black beauty... instead I'm
a constant reminder of his pain..a shadow of discontenment;
half breed resentment.
He has no idea about my internal battles; I come from
no where and my skin is bare of any remaining history;
Many of my nights spent crying wishing upon a darker envy:
Nappy hair, ebony eyes, black fist held high!
I'm the lured sexual desire of your man as shown in mainstream media.
Clashing with righteousness and the opinions that I'm superior.
Never a wife, but always a hoe... stereo-types that I'm easy,
sleazy,and superb on my knees.. high maintainence, high stress...
So hard to please.
Truth is, I'm quiet preferring my solitude..there's nothing bad about my attitude.
I'm loving and longing for my king to make me a queen.. I'm searching
for acceptance in shades of deep mahogany. Love scenes, as shown in
love jones... or love and basketball don't depict me at all.. Instead,I'm the
vixen trying seduce your man or the woman who devises the plan to take
all and leave nothing...sigh...and rightfully so, since you know, I am just
a high yella, house nigga, wanna be, white man's hoe.
Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry
Captured Soul
Copyright Cherise J Thomas 2005
In the eye of the storm is where u explode...furiously yelling and ripping through anything that gets in your way...to get a point across. It`s nature, yet I fight it like it`s not supposed to be. U make your rounds chaotically in and out of my heart like a thief in the night...Tormenting and tearing into my soul, swearing me away, but refusing to let go. You`ve stripped me down to all or nothing, leaving me exposed; but i have nothing to hide that wasn`t already hidden; unconsciously known...in the dark I am cold and confused..violated and abused by the winds of your distrust. Spinning around in the eye of your storm battered about as u refuse to let go...I`ve succombed to your ultimate task at hand & i`ve given u all that I am. I cannot fight back anymore.I am your Captured Soul.
2005cjt
"Grey"
Cjt 2005
This is who I was:
A little girl born innocent in this world.
No stranger to touches.
Curly, long hair,bright brown eyes..tan skin
Black Father; White Mother
full of potential
conflicted within.
No one knew the pain
I kept inside.
They sent me to school
unprepared to deal with
my racial divide.
I was different though
never made aware
Until the day
Parent-Teacher conferences
came and all of my friends just stared.
"Yo Momma Is White" I remember
one kid yelled.. followed by
echoing laughter.
I just shrugged my shoulders
and replied, "oh well"
That day marked the begining
of my own internal fight...
from then I knew It wasn't
cool to be white.
I was hurt & confused...
which led to my own self abuse.
I moved aimlessly from place to place.
In search of identity;love;a plan.
I'd no self respect & found myself
succombing to the desires of a man...
thinking this is all I had..
I didn't understand Why it was so
hard to be loved just for who I am.
My self worth slowly evaporated
and between my legs was the only
thing that validated my heinous reality.
This who I became:
Angry & so Full of hate.
I excluded myself from anything great.
WHO AM I? WHO AM I?
MY SOUL WOULD SCREAM!!
I'm gonna slap this bitch if she
keeps speaking spanish to me!
Doesn't she know I'm Black?
I'm so tired of hearing,
"Well, you don't look Black".
How ignorant is that?
If they had an ounce of intelligence
they'd know that dark skin is not the
only definition of being BLACK!
Color Conscious White Folks;
Envious Black Folks;
They all had my mind blowing up in smoke.
Too Black to be White.. Too white to be black...
It seemed I was the enemy on both sides of the attack.
Which side do I choose?
My heart's in dismay,Seems no matter where I
journey I lose ultimately...
So finally I've decided at the end of this day...
I'm Not black nor white..
I'm just Grey.
Rejection
CJT2006
I'm not the beauty icon you see on T.V..
My honey-colored light skin didn't get me in or
even close for that matter... I'm on the back
of the bus, invisible to the struggle surrounding
me....detached revolutionary, dark dreamer and
black power believer!
I am not his image of black beauty... instead I'm
a constant reminder of his pain..a shadow of discontenment;
half breed resentment.
He has no idea about my internal battles; I come from
no where and my skin is bare of any remaining history;
Many of my nights spent crying wishing upon a darker envy:
Nappy hair, ebony eyes, black fist held high!
I'm the lured sexual desire of your man as shown in mainstream media.
Clashing with righteousness and the opinions that I'm superior.
Never a wife, but always a hoe... stereo-types that I'm easy,
sleazy,and superb on my knees.. high maintainence, high stress...
So hard to please.
Truth is, I'm quiet preferring my solitude..there's nothing bad about my attitude.
I'm loving and longing for my king to make me a queen.. I'm searching
for acceptance in shades of deep mahogany. Love scenes, as shown in
love jones... or love and basketball don't depict me at all.. Instead,I'm the
vixen trying seduce your man or the woman who devises the plan to take
all and leave nothing...sigh...and rightfully so, since you know, I am just
a high yella, house nigga, wanna be, white man's hoe.
Paris,Stop crying and suck it up like the rest of us!
Current mood: aggravated
Category: News and Politics
I wasn't going to give this much thought or energy, mainly due to the fact that the media is already doing a great job of OVER SENSATIONALIZING this crap! I log onto Yahoo and here is this BIG story about poor Paris Hilton being returned to jail.. Oh the outrage. Here she is in tears, screaming, begging and proclaiming it ain't right.
Well, I have news for you my sista... or sister.. LOL As a juvenile I spent 9 months in Camp Challenger.. When I was 24, I was arrested on a warrant I didn't know existed, for something I didn't do.. at least not intentionally. I spent 12 long days in between 2 jails. At that time the women were housed at Twin Towers in downtown LA. I was also battling a serious mental condition, Chronic Anxiety Disorder and I suffered from severe panic attacks for which I took medication. At no time did anyone seem to care about this problem. My picture was taken and I was thrown in cell with the rest of the immates.
Needless to say, 7 years later I am NOW fighting a petty theft charge in which they have no evidence on me, except the fact my car was there and I was with some friends. The statue of limitations is just about up on the case and I have not been arrested or in any type of trouble since being a juvenile (side note: previous case mentioned was subsequently dismissed). The DA could care less that I am single mother, with no prior convictions, least of all any petty theft. He could care less his only witness remembers nothing. He is determined to prosecute me to the fullest extent of the law. He definitely doesn't care that if convicted of this crime, it could potentially hurt any future chances I have of obtaining a great job in law enforcement.... why would he? He doesn't know me. To him, I am just another black statistic. To him, I am just a case to be won... I have no face.
When I see Paris Hilton on TV crying about serving 23 days in jail, it infuriates me!! BITCH PLEASE! (excuse the language, on the other hand don't!) There are real people in the world, with REAL problems and the law could care less about them! Here you are afforded more than most people will EVER see in their lifetime. You walk arrogantly through life as if SOMEONE owes you... get a grip. Suck it up and be a woman. You didn't care to think when you were driving around without a license. I know that if I am convicted of this bullshit ass crime... it's probably my karma for all of the other shit I never got caught for... and I will not complain, but take it for what it is... I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not that young girl making stupid decisions. I'm a grown adult who abides the law (except for the occassional finger I give to passing patrol cars while playing FUCK THE POLICE) LOL.
My point is, we've ALL done something in our lives we are not proud of, some more than others. There has to come a time when we ACCEPT responsibility for our actions. Good or bad.
Paris, get over it and yourself!
Category: News and Politics
I wasn't going to give this much thought or energy, mainly due to the fact that the media is already doing a great job of OVER SENSATIONALIZING this crap! I log onto Yahoo and here is this BIG story about poor Paris Hilton being returned to jail.. Oh the outrage. Here she is in tears, screaming, begging and proclaiming it ain't right.
Well, I have news for you my sista... or sister.. LOL As a juvenile I spent 9 months in Camp Challenger.. When I was 24, I was arrested on a warrant I didn't know existed, for something I didn't do.. at least not intentionally. I spent 12 long days in between 2 jails. At that time the women were housed at Twin Towers in downtown LA. I was also battling a serious mental condition, Chronic Anxiety Disorder and I suffered from severe panic attacks for which I took medication. At no time did anyone seem to care about this problem. My picture was taken and I was thrown in cell with the rest of the immates.
Needless to say, 7 years later I am NOW fighting a petty theft charge in which they have no evidence on me, except the fact my car was there and I was with some friends. The statue of limitations is just about up on the case and I have not been arrested or in any type of trouble since being a juvenile (side note: previous case mentioned was subsequently dismissed). The DA could care less that I am single mother, with no prior convictions, least of all any petty theft. He could care less his only witness remembers nothing. He is determined to prosecute me to the fullest extent of the law. He definitely doesn't care that if convicted of this crime, it could potentially hurt any future chances I have of obtaining a great job in law enforcement.... why would he? He doesn't know me. To him, I am just another black statistic. To him, I am just a case to be won... I have no face.
When I see Paris Hilton on TV crying about serving 23 days in jail, it infuriates me!! BITCH PLEASE! (excuse the language, on the other hand don't!) There are real people in the world, with REAL problems and the law could care less about them! Here you are afforded more than most people will EVER see in their lifetime. You walk arrogantly through life as if SOMEONE owes you... get a grip. Suck it up and be a woman. You didn't care to think when you were driving around without a license. I know that if I am convicted of this bullshit ass crime... it's probably my karma for all of the other shit I never got caught for... and I will not complain, but take it for what it is... I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not that young girl making stupid decisions. I'm a grown adult who abides the law (except for the occassional finger I give to passing patrol cars while playing FUCK THE POLICE) LOL.
My point is, we've ALL done something in our lives we are not proud of, some more than others. There has to come a time when we ACCEPT responsibility for our actions. Good or bad.
Paris, get over it and yourself!
The dinner....
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Current mood: touched
Category: Romance and Relationships
Another angry text message arguement.
Ok, the better part of Saturday was spent arguing via text messaging. WHY? Who the hell knows.. I guess I said something "He" didn't like. I asked the wrong question or made an inplication of "US" being together, which for the record, I didn't. After about 3 or 4 hours of angry typing and swollen fingers, I gave up. Damn, how did we get here? Wasn't it EVER good between us? Didn't he used to love me? Haven't I cried enough? I sighed and picked my son up from the gym. I needed to be near him... and feel him. My son is my HOPE for the future... he has a chance to be what I've never been able to accomplish.. I just wish he knew... I watched him intently as he spewed off 1000 requests he needed filled by his birthday. "Momma, I need $20 for a haircut and how many friends can I invite to hurricane harbor... Can you buy me a famous stars and stripes hat to match my t-shirt... my Rap coordinator, Sal said just bring him the money and he will get it for me..please momma... " I love this kid... whom is totally oblivious to the fact that I've lost my job... and I've depleted every dime in both my savings and checking accounts... which, by the way is NOW overdrafted and my atm card confiscated at the Kiosk atm just moments before our conversation. Oh to be a kid... again.. I never KNEW how great it was.. and he is a KID.... ya know.. it's NOT his job to make sure everything is alright.. it's mine... (side note: who takes care of me when everything isn't ok?) The joy of adulthood strikes again! The day stretched on and I found myself at the carwash... cleaning my car... and then I had an idea... I would invite Aaron to dinner... maybe we could put this animosity behind us... I have to get through this somehow. I sent a text message with my proposal and to my surprise he accepted. I asked him what he would like to eat? We agreed on Steak.. I headed to the grocery store. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure I wanted this dinner to be special.. for HIM. I wanted to give him a glimpse of what is inside of my heart and mind. I shopped for all of my ingredients.. the menu consisted of coconut shrimp.. steak... salad... baked potatoes and rolls ... I also threw in some homemade alfredo pasta I'd made.... I made homemade walnut brownies and I bought some vanilla bean ice cream and chocolate syrup.. (one of his favs) This had to be perfect. Just once
Preparations.
Today started rather slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 a.m. I rushed to make breakfast for my son, clean up and get myself to the gym. First item of business was the music. So, I went thru all of my cd's and made the PERFECT mix of what I was feeling. I had some Robin Thicke, Lost without you.. Blackstreet.. before I let you go.. Love Jones... Sweetest Thing... Mary J.. (ole skool) Changes I've been going thru.. Ne-Yo.. Do You.. Yea, you get it... right? (smile) Next, I pack my gym bag.. I will have to shower and dress there... my steak is marinating.. my brownies are just out of the oven... I get out my brand new wine set.. complete with the wine caraf... I head out. Take Quin to his dads.. manage to get in 45 minutes of cardio... shower, dress and make it home just at 6... he will be here in one hour... I have my steak in the oven.. my shrimp frying... my baked potatoes in the microwave (which by the way does a wonderful job)... I am putting my salad together.. cutting up cucumbers... and washing cherry tomatoes... (thank god for Fresh Starts Veggie mix salad!). I turn my living room into the MOST ROMANTIC setting ever. I have a japanese style coffee table, which sits low to the floor. I placed my throw pillows around the table. Time for the "good" dishes.. LOL I set the table.. wine caraf in the middle... candles surrounding the caraf.. wine glasses and salad bowls on top of the plates.. everything was going great and HE walked in just at 7... Steaks went into the broiler to finish up while we ate our salad and made small talk. He was surprised. I could see it in his eyes. He commented on how nice everything looked and tasted. He kept staring at me. The sun set and the candlelight grew larger... exposing the tears in his eyes. The music played and he asked, "Did you make this cd for tonite?", Yes, I replied.. He smiled. I explained how I wanted to give him something unique ...
The conclusion
We sat there in silence for a long while listening to Janet coo.. "Come back to me".... I looked over and he was crying... seriously crying. I didn't want to cry tonight. I knew this was potentially the LAST time we'd be together like this. I held it in. I wanted to be strong. For so long I'd been consumed by negativity.. holding onto bad memories.. exposing who he wasn't to the world. I was wrong. And at that moment I let go. He brought me to my feet. He held me... and cried.. his tears mixing with my own. Our fingers locked tightly into one another's ... we cried. He said he had to go... and I felt helpless... like those days when I was a homeless teen... wandering the streets in the cold.. no where to go... I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I asked him WHY? What is wrong with me? He replied, "There is nothing wrong with you... I have to go.. I am sorry.. I will always love you, Cherise....." And he went and I sobbed. I ran to the door and at that moment he stopped and looked back at me and then, he turned and walked down the path to his car. I ran barefoot to the street and watched his car drive away... brake lights in tow. I slowly made my way back to my apartment. I sat down on my couch and sobbed. Moments later, we talked briefly on the phone. I explained I wanted him to have something special.. from me. Something good because he is so many wonderful things that he doesn't see. He's intelligent and giving.. He has the potential to be that lawyer he dreams of becoming.. I told him I was sorry I didn't support him then.. AND I love him more than I can breathe... and I sobbed and so did he. And then it was over.
Peaceful texts...
"thank u for a beautiful experience and i dont just mean the dinner. Hardest thing i think ive ever been through, aaron"
I usually go thru and edit my blogs.. but this right here is raw and uncut.. from my heart.. so If i left out a word from typing too fast or I mispelled anything, forgive me... Reese
Currently listening :
Love Jones: The Music (1997 Film)
By Various Artists
Release date: By 11 March, 1997
Current mood: touched
Category: Romance and Relationships
Another angry text message arguement.
Ok, the better part of Saturday was spent arguing via text messaging. WHY? Who the hell knows.. I guess I said something "He" didn't like. I asked the wrong question or made an inplication of "US" being together, which for the record, I didn't. After about 3 or 4 hours of angry typing and swollen fingers, I gave up. Damn, how did we get here? Wasn't it EVER good between us? Didn't he used to love me? Haven't I cried enough? I sighed and picked my son up from the gym. I needed to be near him... and feel him. My son is my HOPE for the future... he has a chance to be what I've never been able to accomplish.. I just wish he knew... I watched him intently as he spewed off 1000 requests he needed filled by his birthday. "Momma, I need $20 for a haircut and how many friends can I invite to hurricane harbor... Can you buy me a famous stars and stripes hat to match my t-shirt... my Rap coordinator, Sal said just bring him the money and he will get it for me..please momma... " I love this kid... whom is totally oblivious to the fact that I've lost my job... and I've depleted every dime in both my savings and checking accounts... which, by the way is NOW overdrafted and my atm card confiscated at the Kiosk atm just moments before our conversation. Oh to be a kid... again.. I never KNEW how great it was.. and he is a KID.... ya know.. it's NOT his job to make sure everything is alright.. it's mine... (side note: who takes care of me when everything isn't ok?) The joy of adulthood strikes again! The day stretched on and I found myself at the carwash... cleaning my car... and then I had an idea... I would invite Aaron to dinner... maybe we could put this animosity behind us... I have to get through this somehow. I sent a text message with my proposal and to my surprise he accepted. I asked him what he would like to eat? We agreed on Steak.. I headed to the grocery store. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure I wanted this dinner to be special.. for HIM. I wanted to give him a glimpse of what is inside of my heart and mind. I shopped for all of my ingredients.. the menu consisted of coconut shrimp.. steak... salad... baked potatoes and rolls ... I also threw in some homemade alfredo pasta I'd made.... I made homemade walnut brownies and I bought some vanilla bean ice cream and chocolate syrup.. (one of his favs) This had to be perfect. Just once
Preparations.
Today started rather slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 a.m. I rushed to make breakfast for my son, clean up and get myself to the gym. First item of business was the music. So, I went thru all of my cd's and made the PERFECT mix of what I was feeling. I had some Robin Thicke, Lost without you.. Blackstreet.. before I let you go.. Love Jones... Sweetest Thing... Mary J.. (ole skool) Changes I've been going thru.. Ne-Yo.. Do You.. Yea, you get it... right? (smile) Next, I pack my gym bag.. I will have to shower and dress there... my steak is marinating.. my brownies are just out of the oven... I get out my brand new wine set.. complete with the wine caraf... I head out. Take Quin to his dads.. manage to get in 45 minutes of cardio... shower, dress and make it home just at 6... he will be here in one hour... I have my steak in the oven.. my shrimp frying... my baked potatoes in the microwave (which by the way does a wonderful job)... I am putting my salad together.. cutting up cucumbers... and washing cherry tomatoes... (thank god for Fresh Starts Veggie mix salad!). I turn my living room into the MOST ROMANTIC setting ever. I have a japanese style coffee table, which sits low to the floor. I placed my throw pillows around the table. Time for the "good" dishes.. LOL I set the table.. wine caraf in the middle... candles surrounding the caraf.. wine glasses and salad bowls on top of the plates.. everything was going great and HE walked in just at 7... Steaks went into the broiler to finish up while we ate our salad and made small talk. He was surprised. I could see it in his eyes. He commented on how nice everything looked and tasted. He kept staring at me. The sun set and the candlelight grew larger... exposing the tears in his eyes. The music played and he asked, "Did you make this cd for tonite?", Yes, I replied.. He smiled. I explained how I wanted to give him something unique ...
The conclusion
We sat there in silence for a long while listening to Janet coo.. "Come back to me".... I looked over and he was crying... seriously crying. I didn't want to cry tonight. I knew this was potentially the LAST time we'd be together like this. I held it in. I wanted to be strong. For so long I'd been consumed by negativity.. holding onto bad memories.. exposing who he wasn't to the world. I was wrong. And at that moment I let go. He brought me to my feet. He held me... and cried.. his tears mixing with my own. Our fingers locked tightly into one another's ... we cried. He said he had to go... and I felt helpless... like those days when I was a homeless teen... wandering the streets in the cold.. no where to go... I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I asked him WHY? What is wrong with me? He replied, "There is nothing wrong with you... I have to go.. I am sorry.. I will always love you, Cherise....." And he went and I sobbed. I ran to the door and at that moment he stopped and looked back at me and then, he turned and walked down the path to his car. I ran barefoot to the street and watched his car drive away... brake lights in tow. I slowly made my way back to my apartment. I sat down on my couch and sobbed. Moments later, we talked briefly on the phone. I explained I wanted him to have something special.. from me. Something good because he is so many wonderful things that he doesn't see. He's intelligent and giving.. He has the potential to be that lawyer he dreams of becoming.. I told him I was sorry I didn't support him then.. AND I love him more than I can breathe... and I sobbed and so did he. And then it was over.
Peaceful texts...
"thank u for a beautiful experience and i dont just mean the dinner. Hardest thing i think ive ever been through, aaron"
I usually go thru and edit my blogs.. but this right here is raw and uncut.. from my heart.. so If i left out a word from typing too fast or I mispelled anything, forgive me... Reese
Currently listening :
Love Jones: The Music (1997 Film)
By Various Artists
Release date: By 11 March, 1997
My Poetry.....
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry
I've decided to post some of poetry.. at least the ones I have copyrighted. They will be in the book.. Enjoy... Feedback is appreciated...
Ecstasy
..> By Cherise thomas
WITH ONE GLANCE U
TOOK MY BREATH AWAY-
SUFFOCATING MY PAIN;
EXPOSING MY INNER MOST
DESIRES WITH YOUR
CONTROLLING DOMINATION-
I COULD NOT ELUDE MY FEARS-
INSTEAD,I DRIFTED OFF INTO
OBLIVION AS U ENTERED MY
SOUL-MANIPULATING EVERY INCH
OF MY FEMININITY;CAUSING ME TO
BECOME INSANE.
WEEPING AS JOLTS OF CLIMATIC
PLEASURE EXPLODE THROUGH MY
BEING...YOU HAVE CONQUERED YOUR
MISSION- I`VE SURRENDERED ALL
THAT I AM.
I AM YOURS... ECSTASY CJT2001
Hurt...
..> By Cherise thomas
WRITTEN BY:CHERISE J.THOMAS
(A LESSON IN DECEIT)
A HEART STOLEN, A HEART BROKEN.
PERSECUTED LOVE.
UNWELCOME DESIRES FOR A MAN
TO WHOM IS NOT MINE.
I WASTED MY VALUABLE TIME.
HE UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF
MY SOUL- GUARDING MY THOUGHTS-
MAKING IT UNBEARABLE TO LET GO.
UNCONSCIOUS OF HIS INSENSITIVE
WAYS- I WAS UNAWARE OF THE CAT&
MOUSE GAME HE PLAYS...
MENTAL EXCITATION LED THE WAY
TO BURNING INFATUATION... LUSTFUL CONVERSATIONS ELUDING;
INTOXICATING PERSAUSIONS.
I GAVE INTO HIS INTELLECTUAL SEDUCTION ONLY TO BE REJECTED AND ILL-TREATED.
L0VE HAS BEEN DEFEATED.
The Napkin...
..> By Cherise thomas
U left and I quickly grabbed my pen and your napkin...
I began...
My soul is completely captured by your presence,
the very essence
of wanting u...
creates a need beyond
explanation.
You have broken
every barrier,
and
now I am exposed.
Naked,
to the truth
as it unfolds.
Love Hurts.
"Sudden Thoughts"
Emptiness settles after the anger subsides
The pain is numbing,causing my spirit to die.
Mis-led by promises unkept-
The torment runs deeper than the oceans depth.
I contemplate all of my mistakes
I lay wide awake
Wondering if I have been raped
By life--
And what I thought would be a gratifying existence
Turned out to be a pitiful resistance
Against time and the inevitable
We all must die!
Excitement turns into fear masked by
What some see as strength
At any moment I will break
Down into what I have come to hate...
Me.
Cherise Joy Thomas
Copyright ©2007 Cherise Joy Thomas
Currently listening :
Personal Conversation
By Case
Release date: By 20 April, 1999
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry
I've decided to post some of poetry.. at least the ones I have copyrighted. They will be in the book.. Enjoy... Feedback is appreciated...
Ecstasy
..> By Cherise thomas
WITH ONE GLANCE U
TOOK MY BREATH AWAY-
SUFFOCATING MY PAIN;
EXPOSING MY INNER MOST
DESIRES WITH YOUR
CONTROLLING DOMINATION-
I COULD NOT ELUDE MY FEARS-
INSTEAD,I DRIFTED OFF INTO
OBLIVION AS U ENTERED MY
SOUL-MANIPULATING EVERY INCH
OF MY FEMININITY;CAUSING ME TO
BECOME INSANE.
WEEPING AS JOLTS OF CLIMATIC
PLEASURE EXPLODE THROUGH MY
BEING...YOU HAVE CONQUERED YOUR
MISSION- I`VE SURRENDERED ALL
THAT I AM.
I AM YOURS... ECSTASY CJT2001
Hurt...
..> By Cherise thomas
WRITTEN BY:CHERISE J.THOMAS
(A LESSON IN DECEIT)
A HEART STOLEN, A HEART BROKEN.
PERSECUTED LOVE.
UNWELCOME DESIRES FOR A MAN
TO WHOM IS NOT MINE.
I WASTED MY VALUABLE TIME.
HE UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF
MY SOUL- GUARDING MY THOUGHTS-
MAKING IT UNBEARABLE TO LET GO.
UNCONSCIOUS OF HIS INSENSITIVE
WAYS- I WAS UNAWARE OF THE CAT&
MOUSE GAME HE PLAYS...
MENTAL EXCITATION LED THE WAY
TO BURNING INFATUATION... LUSTFUL CONVERSATIONS ELUDING;
INTOXICATING PERSAUSIONS.
I GAVE INTO HIS INTELLECTUAL SEDUCTION ONLY TO BE REJECTED AND ILL-TREATED.
L0VE HAS BEEN DEFEATED.
The Napkin...
..> By Cherise thomas
U left and I quickly grabbed my pen and your napkin...
I began...
My soul is completely captured by your presence,
the very essence
of wanting u...
creates a need beyond
explanation.
You have broken
every barrier,
and
now I am exposed.
Naked,
to the truth
as it unfolds.
Love Hurts.
"Sudden Thoughts"
Emptiness settles after the anger subsides
The pain is numbing,causing my spirit to die.
Mis-led by promises unkept-
The torment runs deeper than the oceans depth.
I contemplate all of my mistakes
I lay wide awake
Wondering if I have been raped
By life--
And what I thought would be a gratifying existence
Turned out to be a pitiful resistance
Against time and the inevitable
We all must die!
Excitement turns into fear masked by
What some see as strength
At any moment I will break
Down into what I have come to hate...
Me.
Cherise Joy Thomas
Copyright ©2007 Cherise Joy Thomas
Currently listening :
Personal Conversation
By Case
Release date: By 20 April, 1999
A little love letter.... ?? or NOT
Friday, June 01, 2007
Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships
seriously though reese...whats going to happen..what if i get into a serious relationship..is that ok with you?..i worry about you..not that you cant take care of yourself but that you love me so much that im going to always be breaking your heart or something...you dont understand how complicated this is...i made this desicion but it still breaks my heart not to be with you at times...and i dont want you to keep holding on...i dont think i can ever stop worrying about you though...just period..thats why i get so mad when you call me drunk..its bad for you in so many ways..i just want to know if i do seriously move on youll be ok..and i know this note may suck.this is the hardest thing ive gone through ..im sorry..see i dont even know what to say anymore..i do love you...always will..right now i cant promise you what you need..im sorry pooh..i am..please ask your heart to forgive me someday,,
love aaron
Currently listening :
The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
By Marvin Gaye
Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships
seriously though reese...whats going to happen..what if i get into a serious relationship..is that ok with you?..i worry about you..not that you cant take care of yourself but that you love me so much that im going to always be breaking your heart or something...you dont understand how complicated this is...i made this desicion but it still breaks my heart not to be with you at times...and i dont want you to keep holding on...i dont think i can ever stop worrying about you though...just period..thats why i get so mad when you call me drunk..its bad for you in so many ways..i just want to know if i do seriously move on youll be ok..and i know this note may suck.this is the hardest thing ive gone through ..im sorry..see i dont even know what to say anymore..i do love you...always will..right now i cant promise you what you need..im sorry pooh..i am..please ask your heart to forgive me someday,,
love aaron
Currently listening :
The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
By Marvin Gaye
Ok Black People!
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life
Wat it do shawty?
I could be getting old or out of touch with the NEW generation of youth coming up.. but while browsing thru several myspace spots I am noticing a common trend with the use of the down south slang... OK, OK.. if you are FROM LA, CA, there is no reason WHY you should be saying Shawty, wat it do,or have anything other than the teeth GOD gave you in your mouth! PERIOD!! What happened to originality?? A few cats hit the music scene and now everybody is talking like they're from Mississippi.. WTF? What happened to that West Coast flavor I grew up on? Clean white tee's, khakis and low riders on Sunday... and what the hell does "getting your grown man on" mean? If I hear that shit one more 'gain.. wheew it's going to be baaaad.
Monkey see, monkey do...
I really feel like music and our culture has fallen off as a whole. I've said this before, but I must reiterate, there used to be a uniqueness that set US apart from everyone else. What happened? We have a group of young people just following what the next is doing. When is the next INDIVIDUAL going to step up and LEAD? I shooo miss 2pac and Biggie, cross colors.. kid n play...kwame... guess jeans and rayon shirts.. flat tops and polka dots... I miss being black... because shit... nowadays EVERYBODY is BLACK.. or wanna be... or tryna be... Our culture should NOT be defined by fried chicken, basketball and wanna be rappers starting stereo-typical fads for the masses to follow... We NEED some originality.... something that EVERYONE is not doing... I remember when break dancing used to be something that people stopped to watch and they were in awe... or when Hip Hop videos were only played on Yo! MTV Raps/ BET... I am getting depressed just watching our music/culture go to shit.... does anyone feel me???
Peace.
Currently listening :
In Effect Mode
By Al B. Sure!
Release date: By 25 October, 1990
Category: Life
Wat it do shawty?
I could be getting old or out of touch with the NEW generation of youth coming up.. but while browsing thru several myspace spots I am noticing a common trend with the use of the down south slang... OK, OK.. if you are FROM LA, CA, there is no reason WHY you should be saying Shawty, wat it do,or have anything other than the teeth GOD gave you in your mouth! PERIOD!! What happened to originality?? A few cats hit the music scene and now everybody is talking like they're from Mississippi.. WTF? What happened to that West Coast flavor I grew up on? Clean white tee's, khakis and low riders on Sunday... and what the hell does "getting your grown man on" mean? If I hear that shit one more 'gain.. wheew it's going to be baaaad.
Monkey see, monkey do...
I really feel like music and our culture has fallen off as a whole. I've said this before, but I must reiterate, there used to be a uniqueness that set US apart from everyone else. What happened? We have a group of young people just following what the next is doing. When is the next INDIVIDUAL going to step up and LEAD? I shooo miss 2pac and Biggie, cross colors.. kid n play...kwame... guess jeans and rayon shirts.. flat tops and polka dots... I miss being black... because shit... nowadays EVERYBODY is BLACK.. or wanna be... or tryna be... Our culture should NOT be defined by fried chicken, basketball and wanna be rappers starting stereo-typical fads for the masses to follow... We NEED some originality.... something that EVERYONE is not doing... I remember when break dancing used to be something that people stopped to watch and they were in awe... or when Hip Hop videos were only played on Yo! MTV Raps/ BET... I am getting depressed just watching our music/culture go to shit.... does anyone feel me???
Peace.
Currently listening :
In Effect Mode
By Al B. Sure!
Release date: By 25 October, 1990
I'm too PHAT for a swimsuit list.....
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Blogging
1.so why is it that really obese women think it's cool to wear thongs on the beach?
2. Honestly, it ain't cool for NO one to wear thongs on the beach, but something about double ass and stomachs ain't the beauty I'm seeking when I hit my fav spot.
3.I think I was the ONLY non-high person at the Reggae festival
4." I will come see you, bring you food, but stop thinking Imma act like ya man"
5.Why does HE equate EVERYTHING with us being together?
6.The very next night " You can sleep here tonite, but SHE may call, don't know how you're going to handle that"
7.*scratches head* Ok, if YOU invite your ex to your house...and you're seeing someone, common sense is to NOT invite your ex to your house..it's prolly not a good idea
8. but i love him.. and so I digress
9.found myself venturing to church more and more often.
10.not sure if it's for religion, education or some other quest I may be on
11." I feel like a crackhead waiting on the mailman for my check" me talking to ant about waiting on the mailman... he was rollin
12. demiurgic; A powerful creative force or personality.
13.all this free time is driving me crazy and I am sure there is lots I can find to do
14."I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout ya
And know it ain't right, baby
But I don't
I don't think, don't think that I
That I can let go (Don't think I can let you know)" Ne-Yo, Let go
15. i feel like a real deadbeat... lol
16.part of me wants to NOT go back... just write... or maybe work with teenaged girls
17.can u believe that guy called me a crazy b****
18.ok, so maybe I can be a little crazy and bitchy
19. Are u kidding me? The ONE time I walk away, I am called CRAZY...oh he doesn't know crazy...i asked him to keep his fucking hands off me...boys.. sigh
20. I really believe Dr.'s are the BIGGEST bullshitters in the world.. and they get paid for it!
21. Why the hell is the TV ALWAYS turned to a fucking spanish channel when I go to the dr.. in fucking Beverly Hills???
22. I told that bitch I had rolling veins.. she hit me 3 xs
23. Got- damned arm looks like I've been shooting her-ion.. LMAO
24.I really Miss Tupac.. Grid'lockd was on last night and I almost cried looking into those deep, dark eyes...
25. Imagine the music game if Pac were here? These negro's wouldn't have a chance
26. Tomorrow is my son's 1st school dance
27. Yup, Imma cry
28. I've decided to become celibate.... explore WHO I am
29. ok, who the fuck am I kidding
30. Didn't Teej have this as a new year's resolution?
31. Really, I am not considering dating as an option, maybe I am much too picky
32. SO final weight count since the gym , 33 lbs... I'm still too FAT to wear a swimsuit, but next year looks promising
33. I forgot how old I was the other day....
34. "I left with no bra or panties on,(no sex involved) his smell on me and sleep in my eyes... he left with my heart."
35. I almost got up the other morning and got dressed for work.. ahhhahaha I had to laugh at myself
36.Where is the damn heat at?
37.Who parked that ancient ass MC in front of the house? Spider webs coming from inside of the car to the outside ... missing bumbers, no seat.. WTF???
38. He said he name was "BOB"..he lives 3 houses down and he's been watching me.. thinks I am fine...wants to take me on a walk sometime..
39. Ok, BOB, that's creepy... especially the way your left eye looks to the east when u look west...
40. and I gave up the sympathy number
41. 100 calls later ... with various vm's... I had to let "Spongebob eyepatch" (as he is affectionately referred to by Aaron) know I had NO INTENTION of going on a walk with him
42.Doesn't it suck when u meet someone and they could be the ONE, but you're too emotionally fucked up?
43.Why can all these skinny bitches have 5-6 kids and still have a flat stomach and I have one kid and i'm left looking like a baby seal...
44. ok, so maybe I'm a little angry and have an alterior motive...
45. He may be RIGHT... as usual.. I fucking hate that shit,
46.I am going to test my acting skills out..
47. Yea, I am considering making a "movie" with a friend... now, of course I will NOT be involved in ANY sex scenes, nor will my clothes be off at ANY time, but I will be an EXTRA in the movie..
48. I think it will be fun...
49. I used to love him.. ya know
50.I wonder if he LOVED ME TOO... lol ;)
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Blogging
1.so why is it that really obese women think it's cool to wear thongs on the beach?
2. Honestly, it ain't cool for NO one to wear thongs on the beach, but something about double ass and stomachs ain't the beauty I'm seeking when I hit my fav spot.
3.I think I was the ONLY non-high person at the Reggae festival
4." I will come see you, bring you food, but stop thinking Imma act like ya man"
5.Why does HE equate EVERYTHING with us being together?
6.The very next night " You can sleep here tonite, but SHE may call, don't know how you're going to handle that"
7.*scratches head* Ok, if YOU invite your ex to your house...and you're seeing someone, common sense is to NOT invite your ex to your house..it's prolly not a good idea
8. but i love him.. and so I digress
9.found myself venturing to church more and more often.
10.not sure if it's for religion, education or some other quest I may be on
11." I feel like a crackhead waiting on the mailman for my check" me talking to ant about waiting on the mailman... he was rollin
12. demiurgic; A powerful creative force or personality.
13.all this free time is driving me crazy and I am sure there is lots I can find to do
14."I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout ya
And know it ain't right, baby
But I don't
I don't think, don't think that I
That I can let go (Don't think I can let you know)" Ne-Yo, Let go
15. i feel like a real deadbeat... lol
16.part of me wants to NOT go back... just write... or maybe work with teenaged girls
17.can u believe that guy called me a crazy b****
18.ok, so maybe I can be a little crazy and bitchy
19. Are u kidding me? The ONE time I walk away, I am called CRAZY...oh he doesn't know crazy...i asked him to keep his fucking hands off me...boys.. sigh
20. I really believe Dr.'s are the BIGGEST bullshitters in the world.. and they get paid for it!
21. Why the hell is the TV ALWAYS turned to a fucking spanish channel when I go to the dr.. in fucking Beverly Hills???
22. I told that bitch I had rolling veins.. she hit me 3 xs
23. Got- damned arm looks like I've been shooting her-ion.. LMAO
24.I really Miss Tupac.. Grid'lockd was on last night and I almost cried looking into those deep, dark eyes...
25. Imagine the music game if Pac were here? These negro's wouldn't have a chance
26. Tomorrow is my son's 1st school dance
27. Yup, Imma cry
28. I've decided to become celibate.... explore WHO I am
29. ok, who the fuck am I kidding
30. Didn't Teej have this as a new year's resolution?
31. Really, I am not considering dating as an option, maybe I am much too picky
32. SO final weight count since the gym , 33 lbs... I'm still too FAT to wear a swimsuit, but next year looks promising
33. I forgot how old I was the other day....
34. "I left with no bra or panties on,(no sex involved) his smell on me and sleep in my eyes... he left with my heart."
35. I almost got up the other morning and got dressed for work.. ahhhahaha I had to laugh at myself
36.Where is the damn heat at?
37.Who parked that ancient ass MC in front of the house? Spider webs coming from inside of the car to the outside ... missing bumbers, no seat.. WTF???
38. He said he name was "BOB"..he lives 3 houses down and he's been watching me.. thinks I am fine...wants to take me on a walk sometime..
39. Ok, BOB, that's creepy... especially the way your left eye looks to the east when u look west...
40. and I gave up the sympathy number
41. 100 calls later ... with various vm's... I had to let "Spongebob eyepatch" (as he is affectionately referred to by Aaron) know I had NO INTENTION of going on a walk with him
42.Doesn't it suck when u meet someone and they could be the ONE, but you're too emotionally fucked up?
43.Why can all these skinny bitches have 5-6 kids and still have a flat stomach and I have one kid and i'm left looking like a baby seal...
44. ok, so maybe I'm a little angry and have an alterior motive...
45. He may be RIGHT... as usual.. I fucking hate that shit,
46.I am going to test my acting skills out..
47. Yea, I am considering making a "movie" with a friend... now, of course I will NOT be involved in ANY sex scenes, nor will my clothes be off at ANY time, but I will be an EXTRA in the movie..
48. I think it will be fun...
49. I used to love him.. ya know
50.I wonder if he LOVED ME TOO... lol ;)
Him and I
Current mood: worried
Category: Life
Everyone who watched us together said they could see the love flowing around us. I felt the love. He kissed me... and held my hand.. he danced with me and smiled at me. He told me I looked strong. He said he was proud of me.
We looked into each other's eyes as if we were the only two people in the room. I knew right then and there he WAS the ONE for me. ....But after the festivities... and he made love to me.. .we went our seperate ways...
I left my heart behind. The next evening I had a visit from the other EX itching to get back into my life. I had to tell him we can never be... because HIM and I are OVER ... and well, Aaron is the only one for me.
Through all of our fighting and my ranting and his raving... here we are full circle once again. I know now that if I or (we) ever get another chance at this love thing... I will love him harder than he ever loved me.. I will be supportive... I will let him be the King and I his queen... I will be honest and keep our private business between us and out of the streets... there are so many things I've learned in the last year alone, but most importantly... I love him. and that's just the way it is.
Currently listening :
Attitude
By Troop
Release date: By 13 October, 1989
Category: Life
Everyone who watched us together said they could see the love flowing around us. I felt the love. He kissed me... and held my hand.. he danced with me and smiled at me. He told me I looked strong. He said he was proud of me.
We looked into each other's eyes as if we were the only two people in the room. I knew right then and there he WAS the ONE for me. ....But after the festivities... and he made love to me.. .we went our seperate ways...
I left my heart behind. The next evening I had a visit from the other EX itching to get back into my life. I had to tell him we can never be... because HIM and I are OVER ... and well, Aaron is the only one for me.
Through all of our fighting and my ranting and his raving... here we are full circle once again. I know now that if I or (we) ever get another chance at this love thing... I will love him harder than he ever loved me.. I will be supportive... I will let him be the King and I his queen... I will be honest and keep our private business between us and out of the streets... there are so many things I've learned in the last year alone, but most importantly... I love him. and that's just the way it is.
Currently listening :
Attitude
By Troop
Release date: By 13 October, 1989
May 16, 2007
Birthday Blog...
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
Happy Birthday to me.. wheeww hoooo!
I could be sitting here sulking.. simply because I lost a great job last week.. and I desperately want and need Aaron in my life, but I've decided to try a different angle this year. Ok, so I am 31... feels the same as 30, 29, 28 ect., ect. The one difference that I notice right off is my mental state of mind. I'm very aware of what's going on inside of me and around me. Lately, my life has been wickedly out of control.. the men, my job, the stress.... today I plan to take it slow and relax. I am thankful I have a beautiful son that loves me.. I am glad I have my health and my intelligence.. I am also thankful I have so many wonderful family members and friends that love and care about me. I am thankful I met DeRaymion.. he is the best friend a girl could have... so with all the negative connotations my life has experienced... there is a lot more positive notes to reflect upon. This blog isn't as eloquent as I'd have liked it to be, but shit it's 1:15 in the morning.. and sleep hasn't been something I've been getting lately..... Happy Birthday to me... thanks Mom and Dad for bringing my emotional, complicated, artistic ass into the world.. I know I am such a pain.
Category: Life
Happy Birthday to me.. wheeww hoooo!
I could be sitting here sulking.. simply because I lost a great job last week.. and I desperately want and need Aaron in my life, but I've decided to try a different angle this year. Ok, so I am 31... feels the same as 30, 29, 28 ect., ect. The one difference that I notice right off is my mental state of mind. I'm very aware of what's going on inside of me and around me. Lately, my life has been wickedly out of control.. the men, my job, the stress.... today I plan to take it slow and relax. I am thankful I have a beautiful son that loves me.. I am glad I have my health and my intelligence.. I am also thankful I have so many wonderful family members and friends that love and care about me. I am thankful I met DeRaymion.. he is the best friend a girl could have... so with all the negative connotations my life has experienced... there is a lot more positive notes to reflect upon. This blog isn't as eloquent as I'd have liked it to be, but shit it's 1:15 in the morning.. and sleep hasn't been something I've been getting lately..... Happy Birthday to me... thanks Mom and Dad for bringing my emotional, complicated, artistic ass into the world.. I know I am such a pain.
It's that time of year again? AGAIN? yes, again!
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life
How the hell did I?
I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...
Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!
Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?
Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?
1. Respect
2.Romance
3.Honesty
4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own
5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.
6. A strong and sensitive man
Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.
I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!
I don't owe u anything.....
I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?
Category: Life
How the hell did I?
I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...
Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!
Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?
Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?
1. Respect
2.Romance
3.Honesty
4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own
5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.
6. A strong and sensitive man
Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.
I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!
I don't owe u anything.....
I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?
Does it EVER end?
Current mood: distressed
I think I set myself up for bad karma. Or maybe it's the negative energy that I sometimes feed into. Who knows. But all of my attempts to live a normal, productive life always seem halted! I have been at my job for about 16 months. Never had an issue, never been in any trouble or drama. Well, that all changed on Friday. Understand, that I have been trying to apply for a permanent position with the company since February. The first app. I put in was "lost" and I was told I needed to work in my position a bit longer ( while other's were told NOT to apply, all of us being black). This round I was advised I needed to stabilize my work history. WTF? I am confused here. There was no mistake that I was upset by what was going on. Honda is a fickle company. A company which only 5% of it's employees are black. I work in a department that is run strictly by who u know and who like you... definitely NOT by skill or qualifications. There are people there who've been there 3 or 4 years and STILL have not been made associate because the don't fit the "profile". I have brought these issues up with management SEVERAL times and I have been very vocal in my disgust for their bias hiring process. Then I was sabatoged.
After returning from lunch on Friday, I was called into the conference room with one of the contract coordinators. She proceeds to show me an open case of mine, which I haven't worked. I look over the case and see that there has been some type of myspace bulletin pasted in the note section. Ok. So, I keep looking at her and she asked how did they get there? Shit if I know! I don't copy and paste myspace notes into my cases, not on accident or on purpose. I am then told this is a terminating offense, HOWEVER it is being investigated. I am given two different stories as to how this case was pulled. I start asking several questions because this is MY JOB they are talking about. I went over every scenario in my mind and there is NO WAY I did this... not even on accident! Someone set me up... but it's under my username.. well, guess what.. my user name is accessible by EVERYONE in the department and the password is universal. I have worked here for over a year and I've never been so much as warned for attendance.. .this is uncharacteristic of my work ethic and a bunch of bullshit! Needless to say, I was suspended with pay.... but wait.. How am I suspended if they have no proof? Well, it's their mistake. I will not go quietly and for whomever tried to set me up.. what goes around comes around! In my mind, realistically speaking, if they had REAL evidence I would have been fired on Friday.... either way it goes.. I am fighting this to the very end! I did not work my ass for over a year to be terminated for some straight up bullshit!!
*sigh*
I think I set myself up for bad karma. Or maybe it's the negative energy that I sometimes feed into. Who knows. But all of my attempts to live a normal, productive life always seem halted! I have been at my job for about 16 months. Never had an issue, never been in any trouble or drama. Well, that all changed on Friday. Understand, that I have been trying to apply for a permanent position with the company since February. The first app. I put in was "lost" and I was told I needed to work in my position a bit longer ( while other's were told NOT to apply, all of us being black). This round I was advised I needed to stabilize my work history. WTF? I am confused here. There was no mistake that I was upset by what was going on. Honda is a fickle company. A company which only 5% of it's employees are black. I work in a department that is run strictly by who u know and who like you... definitely NOT by skill or qualifications. There are people there who've been there 3 or 4 years and STILL have not been made associate because the don't fit the "profile". I have brought these issues up with management SEVERAL times and I have been very vocal in my disgust for their bias hiring process. Then I was sabatoged.
After returning from lunch on Friday, I was called into the conference room with one of the contract coordinators. She proceeds to show me an open case of mine, which I haven't worked. I look over the case and see that there has been some type of myspace bulletin pasted in the note section. Ok. So, I keep looking at her and she asked how did they get there? Shit if I know! I don't copy and paste myspace notes into my cases, not on accident or on purpose. I am then told this is a terminating offense, HOWEVER it is being investigated. I am given two different stories as to how this case was pulled. I start asking several questions because this is MY JOB they are talking about. I went over every scenario in my mind and there is NO WAY I did this... not even on accident! Someone set me up... but it's under my username.. well, guess what.. my user name is accessible by EVERYONE in the department and the password is universal. I have worked here for over a year and I've never been so much as warned for attendance.. .this is uncharacteristic of my work ethic and a bunch of bullshit! Needless to say, I was suspended with pay.... but wait.. How am I suspended if they have no proof? Well, it's their mistake. I will not go quietly and for whomever tried to set me up.. what goes around comes around! In my mind, realistically speaking, if they had REAL evidence I would have been fired on Friday.... either way it goes.. I am fighting this to the very end! I did not work my ass for over a year to be terminated for some straight up bullshit!!
*sigh*
April 23, 2007
The "He said WHAT" list
I've compiled a list of 10 quotes from different people... either friends, foes, or fools I don't know.. ALL MALE..
Enjoy?
1."Plus if you kill yourself I will find you in the afterlife and fuck you up! " Teej on me cutting myself... Only HE would think about fucking someone up in the aftelife.. Love u Teejie!
2."tell me ulove me" Aaron at 3am Saturday, OBVIOUSLY drunk
3."Baby let me tell you about this thing that goes on before the club. See, you step outta line and come and talk to me. I get your number and I take you out sometime. Look at you, pretty, pretty toes, girl... you don't know what I can do to u" Fat dude working the line at Cohiba... LMAO
4."Lue said he will stay with you but u have 2 go to church in the morning..." Spunky on me sleeping alone.
5."Sure, so ... How about dinner and fucking? We can discuss the definition of dating over dinner"... Steven's crazy ass on dating... I swear, the things I hear.. needless to say the dinner and fucking NEVER happened.
6."Girl, PLEASE! Do not stroke my ego, there is no need".. Chris on my best sex ever comment.. ;) lmao
7."Its ok to want more, thats ambition. It's a positive attribute. However, self loathing is not" Arlyn on my self esteem and life issues...
8."I'm disappointed in you.... I was gonna give u a chance, but last time I seen you, you were leaving with someone else. Lemme ask you something... Does size matter to you?" Some jerk at Cohiba that got cussed out shortly after making this statement.
9." when things get hard i always go inside my shell i should have been real. i am sorry. i still got luv 4 you." Church apologizing for EVERYTHING...
10. " I would never marry anyone that I can't pick up. What if she falls down and hurt's herself, plus you never want to be with someone that has the potential to knock you out!" Dee on dating BIG gurls.. hahahahaha too funny
Enjoy?
1."Plus if you kill yourself I will find you in the afterlife and fuck you up! " Teej on me cutting myself... Only HE would think about fucking someone up in the aftelife.. Love u Teejie!
2."tell me ulove me" Aaron at 3am Saturday, OBVIOUSLY drunk
3."Baby let me tell you about this thing that goes on before the club. See, you step outta line and come and talk to me. I get your number and I take you out sometime. Look at you, pretty, pretty toes, girl... you don't know what I can do to u" Fat dude working the line at Cohiba... LMAO
4."Lue said he will stay with you but u have 2 go to church in the morning..." Spunky on me sleeping alone.
5."Sure, so ... How about dinner and fucking? We can discuss the definition of dating over dinner"... Steven's crazy ass on dating... I swear, the things I hear.. needless to say the dinner and fucking NEVER happened.
6."Girl, PLEASE! Do not stroke my ego, there is no need".. Chris on my best sex ever comment.. ;) lmao
7."Its ok to want more, thats ambition. It's a positive attribute. However, self loathing is not" Arlyn on my self esteem and life issues...
8."I'm disappointed in you.... I was gonna give u a chance, but last time I seen you, you were leaving with someone else. Lemme ask you something... Does size matter to you?" Some jerk at Cohiba that got cussed out shortly after making this statement.
9." when things get hard i always go inside my shell i should have been real. i am sorry. i still got luv 4 you." Church apologizing for EVERYTHING...
10. " I would never marry anyone that I can't pick up. What if she falls down and hurt's herself, plus you never want to be with someone that has the potential to knock you out!" Dee on dating BIG gurls.. hahahahaha too funny
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