1day down... forever to go!

The realist shit I've ever wrote!

I've come to realize that writing is my savior. This gift I have for bringing words together into thoughts has literally kept me alive. Lately I've been very aware of myself and the person I was, am and striving to be... So I want to share some things that maybe I've never shared before... It may get a little deep.

I don't believe I've been the greatest person to a lot of people in my life. I think I started out as a caring, loving, honest person, but somehow down the line the baggage got too heavy. The memories are too deep and the anger resonates too close to the surface. I used to kiss my son everyday! I would hug him and tell him, " I love you more than the whole wide world"... Now I feel so far away from him. I hold back when I know I shouldn't. I kissed him for the first time in some years the other night. And I know right now is when he NEEDS me to be right there next to him. I don't know what happened?

Maybe it started with my lack of self love. That's why I had him in the first the place. So I could have love... fill a void.... be complete. Instead, I took on a responsibility I wasn't mature enough to handle. In the process my child suffered. Only recently have I begun the process of mending what is torn. I am sorry Marquin.. you deserved better than me. I don't think I've been a terrible mom.... but I know that I could've done a helluva lot better. The fortunate aspect of this is that my baby is only 11, so I still have time to LOVE him like he needs to be loved and teach him the right things.

Why did this happen to me?
When I was 16 I was raped.( not the 1st time and not the last time)but this situation I remember vividly. I was out there on the streets. Living with a man who was 4 years my senior and truly took advantage of my youth. For a long time I believed a lot of what happened to me back then was my own fault. I should've stayed home with my mom and my family. Something inside of me raged. I was angry and hurt and I felt so unloved. I never thought I was pretty and the only time I experienced relief was when I laid with a man. There was a boy... his name was Roosevelt Lett (this is my experience, so yes I am using REAL names) he was a year older than I. At the time he was the hottest thing walking. He was tall, 6'6 and beautiful. Whenever I had problems with my current boyfriend he was who I ran to ( some things NEVER change). One night, Isaac was acting really bad. He made me leave and I had no where to go. So I walked until I couldn't walk anymore, then I decided to call Roosevelt. He told me I could come to his house. He was living with his dad at the time and he really didn't care if he had girls over there. I got there and I was tired. Now, Roosevelt had a tendancy to be abusive to me, but I never really cared and I honestly don't know why. This night in particular he was really acting strange. He'd pulled my hair and thrown me into a wall. Maybe he was drunk or high... I don't know.... All I recall is at some point his father came home. He seen me sitting on the couch and commented on how beautiful I was. A few hours passed and Roosevelt comes to me and says I can't stay unless I do his father a favor. I was confused, but then I realized what he meant. There was NO WAY I would ever do that. So I began to grab my jacket and prepare myself for another night of wandering. Then he grabbed me... Next thing I know... I'm face down on a mattress. I could feel the pain spreading throughout my body. For a moment I thought I'd die. I couldn't breathe and when it was all over.. I was bleeding... crying and alone. I gathered my clothes and what was left of my dignity and I ran. When I got home I remember Isaac asking what happened to me. I remember him looking at me strange as if he knew instantly what happened. He put me in the shower and washed me. He vowed to murder whomever did this to me.. he apologized for making me leave.... he declared his love....all I remember thinking was no one loves me... this is all I am and all I am ever going to be. It seemed true... then.

Growing up.....
As I progressed on into Adulthood my anger grew seemingly more by the day. I remember my early 20s as countless fight after fight... non-stop arguements with my mom, strangers or friends. The men in my life never changed. There was always some abusive aspect to any relationship I was involved in, whether it be physical, mental or emotional. I don't believe as women, we realize how many different forms of abuse there are... and most times we inflict this abuse on ourselves... unknowingly. Right after I turned 25 I went through an emotional break-down. People close to me were dying.... I wasn't financially stable... I was here and there... looking and searching for something or anything to ground me. I decided to move to Las Vegas and it was the best decision I'd ever made.

I lived in Las Vegas for four years. During that time I settled into a comfortable life. I worked and took care of my son. I enjoyed the atomosphere and the people. It's during this time I met some of my closet friends. I learned how to be responsible and depend on me. I was a long road..... it's also where Aaron and I began. And who could ever forget Joseph. It wasn't always easy for me because my past always seemed to haunt me and hinder my progress. One of the hardest moments I've ever experienced was the day my nephew died. I was there.... watching this little innocent baby die. I seen him take his last breath and then it was quiet. At least in my mind because there were sounds of crying and screaming in the background, but all I heard was silence. I remember thinking how selfish I felt and relieved at the same time. I knew he wouldn't feel any pain anymore... but I know he deserved so much more. I felt like maybe I didn't do my part. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to him... maybe there was something I could've have done to make his life a little better. I wondered if my sister felt the same thing. And although we're not sisters by blood... we're sisters in pain, life and experience. I probably lost a piece of me that day.... something I can never get back.


My friends...... More like my family.
There are so many people that I've met and mingled with, good and bad. This is for those who are still around.... today.. hanging in there with my ups and downs. Let me name the people I am referring to... ( Trechelle, Teri, Shamika,Willie, Nakia,Saraan, Joe, Jermon, My Teej & Arlyn too)
I am sorry for the times I've lied to you or hurt you. For anytime I wasn't supportive or I talked behind your back or betrayed you in any way. I am thankful to have you in my life. Many of you have been here since the begining and watched me "evolve"... some of you are just begining to understand who I am. I love you all, more than these words can express. I only hope that as I grow older you all will be there with me on this journey. I want to be a better friend and a better person. Starting today as I can't make up for yesterday. We've had some wonderful times together.... and many more to come... .Reese

My family, ( mom, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.......
Many of you don't know me through no fault of your own, but there is always time to get to know me. It's a two way street. There is a saying, "Never judge a book by it's cover"... there is so much to explore within my chapters. Trust me! I am not exempt from this as well. I understand I need to spend time with my mother... and invite my sisters to do more with me.. but I need you to meet me half way.... sometimes I'm lonely and I have no one to turn to.. sometimes I want to die and I don't know why... sometimes I just want to say hey, I love you.. but I don't know how.. be patient with me as I grow and I will grant you the same courtesy.... my past is not my future.... Cherise

And Aaron.....
Where do I begin? There is so much I want to convey, but not enough time to do it. I want you to know that it wasn't all you and you weren't horrible. I've lied to you about unforgiveable things. I am sorry. I can't give you what you need and I can't make you happy... this is partly due because I don't love me and I don't make me happy. I wish you love, happiness and success. I wish I could instantly give you back what I took away. It wasn't your fault you walked into a black hole searching for the light. I understand clearly now what I have to do. The chapter titled, " Cherise and Aaron" is now closed. I only hope there can be a sequel.... one day. But not today.
In the future I hope to be able to sit down with you and talk... about nothing. Just life... not the past or the hurts or the pain, but just talk... like the friends we should've been. I won't continue to burden you with my roller coaster of emotions. Just know... that I know... one day it will be ok.
oh.. by the way.. I love u.

Cherise Joy Thomas.......
I'm breathing now.