Emotionally Challenged>Emoshunalee Chalungd

She say, he say, they say... no one understands.

I do this to myself everytime I see him! I get emotional for no rational or legitmant reason... At least that is what all of my males friends think. I go over to his house last night because WE bought MarQuin a customer Bam Margera skate board that needs to be put together. We'd discussed this before hand and he agreed to put it together. Ok, No problem. I can do this w/o incident, right? WRONG! I get there and I have MarQuin call him because I truly TRY to avoid everything about HIM. He comes out and I get out of the car. I go to the trunk and I notice he is coughing. Now, this is NOT just an ordinary cough.. it's one of those rough, deep, heavy smoker kinda of coughs. I'm always concerned about him because RARELY does he go to the doctor... I mean, come on it's only been since July that we officially broke up ... FOR GOOD according to HIM. I still have many unresolved feelings for him. I comment on the cough and he says he's almost better... ( I think, yea right) more small talk follows. I mention New Years Eve and he immediately goes into this spew about he is going to be with "someone"... OK.. AND... slow down guy.. I didn't ASK you officially to go anywhere with me, I simply mentioned it. Doesn't he fucking care that this shit is EXTRA hard on me. He's been with me the last 3 Holiday seasons... He fucking proposed to me on New Year's Eve 2004... I realize I hate him ( ok more anger)
Well, needless to say that pisses me off big time. I get in my car and drive off! I get home and drop off Quin. I'm heading to the gym .... while I am driving the anger is just seething. ( side note.... i have a major problem holding onto unresolved anger) See, the reason I am even upset is WHY does he continue to tell me about HER? He's sent pics and made comments... OK I get it.. You're NOT coming back.. boo hoo wah wah... Poor Cherise is still in love... NOT... I love him ... but I'm not in love... and consequently I have dated since we've broken up... Anyhow, I call him and ask why does he feel the need to constantly through this random chic up to me? He knows I still love him... he knows I'm not over the situation... SO why for the love of god does he fucking torture me???
We're now in a full fledged arguement in which he proceeds to go through the list of all the shit he hates about me and OH yea how much of a hypocrite I am. For the sake of being fair to HIM... I will EXPOSE myself for who I truly am. For 3 years I have been friends with a dancer/stripper whatever u want to call him. I have confided in this person and there was even a time where we'd be together behind Aaron's back. Essentially nothing was going as far as intimately... That all changed 3 months ago. It was a one time thing that ended up in a disaster. Now, I am sure Aaron will agree I don't need to go into specifics, but it was pretty bad. I am actually ashamed of the entire situation. I confided in Aaron because #1 I trust him and #2 I didn't have anyone else to confide in at the time...
Again he is GREAT at throwing things up in my face. Next, he brings up Kevin.. who lives in Fucking Vegas.. HELLO.. ain't nothing happening with that! Finally, he discloses he is a subscriber to my blog and therefore KNOWS for a fact I've been involved with at LEAST 4 men.
Setting the record straight!

Yes I slept with Chris... Yes I have met apprx. 4- 5 men.. only 2 of which I've even SEEN... the rest I've talked to on the phone.. Yes, I was friends with Kai, but that's it! No I am NOT sleeping with 4 men.. Yes I seen Kevin a total of 2 times all of about 5 minutes because the rest of the time I was asleep in his bed... I went to Vegas to party! Yes, I would drop everything I am currently doing to have the family I desire.... HE promised we would work it out once I moved.. He said he needed time and there was no one else... NOW... all of a sudden there is SOMEONE...Ok we're YELLING ... or I am yelling. Actually he never broke his tone. I guess that is an indication that he is really "done with me" I hate him I say.. I wish he were dead... ( I didn't mean it) Since I am setting the record straight it is only fair to mention that I have been nothing but honest with HIM... and at no time am I asking him to consider reconciling... I am just asking for honesty.. which is what I should have gotten from the begining. It's not the point that he is moving on... but he's lied and then he throws it in my face to hurt me... INTENTIONALLY. Thus the comment he made.. "Cherise I can fuck u whenever I want.. I can have u whenever I want" WOW... That is simply too much power!

Bombs over Bagdad!

Several hang-ups and insults later.. he calmly says, "Cherise, my girlfriend is coming here for a week... we plan to get pregnant during this week... then next month I will be moving into HER home... lastly we will be married in the summer"... I'm sitting in the Gym locker room when he says this. I remember my face becoming very hot... then the tears dropped one by one until they overflowed like a flooded river. WHAT? Is this the same woman you've met once? The same person you really don't know.. What happened to that song and dance about you need to get you together.. You want to OWN something and you could never just marry some random broad?? HUH? Who the fuck am I talking to.. you have to be kidding me. I wanted to say KNOCK it off Aaron... stop playing? We just passed our one year anniversary for losing our twin baby girls... Remember me, Cherise? Pooh? Phatty? Do u recall where you've been for the last 4 years.. close your eyes and think back to our 1st Christmas or our 1st kiss...Sunday breakfast.. Midnight Walmart runs... ice cream and chocolate syrup? My poetry.. My eyes... my heart... the surprise party I gave u with the Seinfeld cake... The night u asked me to be your wife? What happened? How will she KNOW you like I know u..... How can you hurt me like this... for every bad moment, there have been 1000 wonderful moments... Remember when I lost the babies and we went to the zoo... I was in so much pain, but you did everything you could to make me feel good. We were standing in front of that big ass rhino, when this lady came up and said, You guys make a beautiful couple... who are u? Now I am NOT your family.. MarQuin in NOT your son. I'm in awe at your indifference...
( this is what I wanted to say.. but I didn't, instead I spewed off some angry rants)


I'm doing just fine.

Today was a slow, horrible day. I cried a million times. I listened to Arlyn tell me I am beautiful and loved and wonderful... ( love yourself cherise) Truthfully, Aaron and I don't work. But as a woman, I've always hoped we could.... WHY? Because I love him so... he is the best part of me in the worst way. He KNOWS me when I've lost who I am. He grounds me when I fly too high in the clouds. He has the right to move on... and I have the right to be hurt. I fell so hard today. I left work early and went for a drive... ended up at LBCC...then at the gym. I worked out until I almost passed out. Then I came home and cooked for my little boy. He is my everything. HE is WHO I should live for... but what happens when he grows up and leaves me too... will I be back in this dark place again? I am thinking the only way to release HIM from this hold he has around my heart is to leave California...separate myself completely from him. Then my mind says tells me this isn't very realistic. Whoa... this is hard. Who knew he would really leave....