Skeletons in the closet

I learned a valuable lesson last night.... some mistakes, however old come back to haunt you. I had a child with a man who is NOT only irresponsible, but so completely oblivious to reality, it's almost scary. Yea, I was 17 at the time I met him and 19 when I had his baby, but that is still no excuse in my book. I never loved this man. In fact, he only filled the void of the man I whose child I should've had. I don't regret my son, but I surely regret the decision I made to even entertain thoughts of sleeping with the man.

Here's why:



Yesterday I leave work and head over to my son's Jr High to pick him up. We get to the house and my son is locked out. Now, I'm already concerned because I'm thinking, "Why doesn't he have a key to get in?". Anyhow, I sit there for about 20 minutes until MarQuin's cousin comes alone. We go to the back house and I'm waiting on his dad to get there. While I'm waiting, MarQuin's cousin tells me MarQuin feels like his is putting his girlfriend and his friend before him. He doesn't feel right. This makes me uneasy. I'm focused on trying to provide my son with the tools he needs to be successful. I never want him to feel like someone else comes before him. So, an hour later his dad pulls up. I walk to the front and knock on the door. No answer. I ring the door bell ... no answer...

WTF? First of all, it's dark, cold and my son is still outside.. No one has come out looking for him EXCEPT me AND the freaking door is locked, so how would he get back in? Then his ugly, no good girl friend comes to the door and says Len isn't in there. WTF? Bitch I just seen him in the kitchen window. So I'm pissed. I call MarQuin on his cell phone and tell him to come home. He gets there and finally his dad comes to the door. I tell him I need to talk to him. He automatically has an attitude with me. Now, everthing has been cool until the girlfriend came in the picture. I tell him what MarQuin said... now instead of addressing his son's feelings, he slams the door in my face and tells MarQuin to come in. I'm HOT! This is totally ridiculous!!! I tell my baby get some clothes and let's go! Do you know this fool packed up my baby's clothes and put them on the curb...????





OH HELL NO! That was the last straw. Every bit of emotion I've been holding for 11 years slowly dissipated from my soul. How dare he? And then he threatens me and tries to preempt a fight between his girlfriend and I. Now, 5 years ago, I would've have fought, but you know what? Fighting is NOT going to resolve the problem. It doesn't matter how many bitches I am or fat this like I told him... I'm GOOD> I work everyday and regardless of what you do or don't do I take care of my child. I've worked hard and been through a lot, but everything I have is paid for and I am not living off of someone else. This isn't about him... or me... it's about our child.. Who at this point was crying... feeling lost and left out while two GROWN adults rehash the past... which cannot be changed. So I made a decision... I walked away. There isn't a name he can call me that will hurt me or anything that he can do to make me hold my head down. I stand tall everyday because I know who I am... I was sad... I watched a 34 yr old man rant and rave while his girlfriend acted as the side kick clown.

WHY? I told him I don't live that life anymore. My son is my main concern. Look at him! Talk to him! Not me.. this isn't about what happened 10 yrs ago (which he kept making reference to a time I called the police on him) I don't care who you're dating.. and I'm not going to fight you ugly girl. Ugly in reference to the way you carry yourself. I know I'm a threat because I am confident and successful, but you can be too! You choose not to be. I can fight you.. I'm not scared. I've done it countless times in the past, but what example am I setting for my baby? And after it's over and the police come...who really loses.... MarQuin.



And so I walked away. I gathered my son's stuff and I sat in my car and I cried. I felt so stupid and dumb. I kept asking myself WHY did I do this to myself. Then I looked at my child.... how beautiful is he.... I am ALL HE HAS... Everything I put into him will come out later. What do I say to him? I can't tell him don't love your dad because my personal feelings have nothing to do with him. I hugged my baby and I told him no matter what happens... I will ALWAYS be here to take care of you... as long as I'm breathing.....





Now, my child sleeps soundly in my bed. He didn't have the desire to stay there. His father cried claiming once again I am taking his son away. No, that's not it at all. My door has always been open and his son has always been available... but you can't make a boy grown up and be a man and you can't turn a dead beat into a dad.



Peace