I said I wouldn't, but what the hell?

I promised myself I wouldn't write one more word about HIM. I said I wouldn't call or text or think about him at all. I lied. I'm coming out and admitting it, so if anyone wants to slap me, please feel free. Lately, I've gone through a plethora of emotions. Like all break-ups, I have my good days and my bad days. I spend a lot of time keeping myself occupied, but there is always that down time that casts many of shadows on my heart. I've realized through my single escapades that I'm NOT cut out for this lifestyle.... which ALWAYS brings me back to him.

I know I know....!!! I have conversations with myself that go a little something like this:



Me: I need him. I just can't do this without him. I have to find a way to make it right or better.. somehow. He's the love of my life!

Me again in response to Me: What the fuck are you talking about? Do you remember all the days you spent crying and begging.. Look at you! Look what you've accomplished! You can't make it better, so just let him go. He doesn't love you anymore Cherise! Get over it! Move on..

Me: How do I let go? What will I do....? Who will I love? I'm angry! I'm hurt! I'm not over it!I need him, I really do. Who will ever GET ME like he did.. Who will EVER love me Like he did. You just don't understand.

Me again: You're acting like a real idiot! How can I NOT understand. I am you! I am the rational, more calm, collective, focused you. You're fine without him. You have Marquin. You have your writing. FOCUS, please don't let this conquer your spirit. If it's meant to be, then he'll be back. I promise. **shaking self** snap out of it!!

Me: **Sigh** and so I digress. I will be ok. One day.





Ok, I am NOT crazy... but I'm alone most of the time.. so talking to me.. works out ...well. I guess I don't want to see him with anyone else. You know, he's met someone.... he says it's getting serious. I don't get how he can be so broken up over us and so quickly replace me .. with HER. Who am I to judge, right? Who knows what I've been up to?? Well, there's been Chris ( the ex stripper, who I almost fell in love with, but made him a friend instead). We had an interesting episode. Case closed. Then there's Perry... an old friend from years back.... I don't see him or talk to him enough for there to be anything remotely serious. Next, we have Kevin... Mr. Kevin... 300 miles away.... and what can I say? Nothing. Because there is nothing 300 miles away. An occassional visit and text messages don't go far in my heart. I've also met several misc. clowns that have yet to spark any interest in anything more than saying hello. Yes, I am extremely lonely. And maybe, just maybe I am using my loneliness as a crutch to hold onto a man that has made it clear he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME...



Yea, maybe that's it.