How many ways can you say it's over?

Im writing because I have nothing more to do. I have no one to talk to and no where to turn. I'm sinking fast.. like an emotional titanic. Everything about me is drowning. I'm looking back on the last 3 yrs of my life and I'm wondering Why I'm so hurt. If I'm honest, then I'll say it was my own fault because from the begining it wasn't a healthy situation.I used him for comfort and solace and he used me for everything I had. Somewhere down the line, the games turned into a relationship and we fell in love. Whenever love creeps into the equation you almost always come out with pain. I will admit I've said and done some horrific things to this man. I've lied to cause jealousy & played vindictive games. He's done same... In between these foul escapades there were times that were pure bliss.. laughter filled the air & happiness was upon us... We shared this together on many of days. I had moments in my life when he was all I had ... HE was my strength... my honor.. my integrity when everything around me went bad. I have to credit him for some of my newly found ways ( for those that KNOW me, well they KNOW exactly what I mean! lol ) I am more of woman because of him... even in all of his rage.. he never let me run away. He taught me to face my life and work thru whatever was stopping me from living. And there was a lot to deal with in my life, but he stuck with me. SO, maybe that is why I am so hurt and so ANGRY. I never thought he would actually walk away and leave me alone. I'm not used to being alone. Now all I can focus on is the moments of pain... I don't want to admit it wasn't always that way. I don't want to admit I had a part in running him away. I don't want to admit I'm sick without him everyday. I just want him back.. here next to me.. whether yelling or laughing... reprimanding or praising.. job or no job... I need him.But he doesn't need me. He texts me saying he luvs me, but not in that way. He loves me because I was a part of him but he's moved on with his new life. What's so different now... I want to answer that too, but I can't because I haven't a clue. I guess it kinda hit me all at once. I took him for granted. I'm upset that he won't let me at least try to make it better... I'm scared that he'll find someone new.. better than me.. smaller than me.. someone that can give him everything i was unable to give.. happiness, a baby.. a real life to live. Maybe I'm just too emotional to deal with. Maybe it's like he said, I deserve all that I'm getting.. because when he was here I didn't pay attention or care about that family that I long for now. But that wasn't it... that wasn't it at all. I can't even describe what I'm feeling inside...except it kinda feels like you're a hostage.. without any control of the situation.. u have to wait for orders and wait to be told what's going to happen next. It feels horrible. I can't get out. I don't want to love him, but I don't want to stop.


I guess Lauryn Hill can sum it up for me in the "Ex Factor"

P.S. I wasn't tryin to rhyme either....


as painful as this thing has been... I just can't be with no one else.