July 31, 2005
Today is going by sooo slow...
I've been up since the crack of dawn. I got my new bed. It's very nice (Thanks Mark!!) Now Maybe I can finally get some sleep. I'm not doing anything today. Just washing clothes. I was supposed to go to church and I won't even discuss WHY I didn't make it there. I'm going to cook some food today. I'm hungry.. then I will head out to the park later on to walk... Be back later
Can you HELP me..
I've been blindly walking this earth for the last 29 yrs.. today I got a tiny glimpse of everything I've been missing.. Like letting go and revealing the deepest part of my soul... and not by using a paper & pen, but by speaking what I feel & explaining why I FEEL. I can't believe I let him go without a fight.. and the only person I have to blame is ME!!! The now that has become my reality is lonely and bleak. I smile out of habit and talk because there's nothing else to do... I wake up because GOD allows me to breath & rise.. Maybe he hopes that I'll seize this opportunity ...LIFE. I'm hoping the same. It's hard... LOVE. I will leave you with this... it's most appropriate at this particular moment. I love you, Aaron. AND yes i'm sorry.
Can you help me?
Usher
Umm Why, Umm Why
Living on the edge out of control
And the world just wont let me slow down
But in my biggest picture
was a photo of you & me
Girl you know I try
I work hard to provide
all the material things that
I thought would make you happy
I'm confused can you make me understand
Cause I tried to give you the best of me
I thought we were cool maybe I was blind
But never took time to see!
Can u help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
Tell me why you wanna leave
Baby help me
Without you my whole world is falling apart
And I'm going crazy! Lifes a prison when your in
love alone
(Oh girl) I need you come back home (you know I need you)
I don't want to be alone.
Girl I put your love up on the shelf
And I guess I jus left it to die,
And now we're not together
cause I hurt you too many times
And now your not around
I wish for every moment in time
That got wasted we used it to make sweet love.
Baby be my guide please take my hand
Want you to know that I got you.
If you need it. I don't want to be on the outside
looking in
I got to have you girl can't you see it.
Will you help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
Tell me why you want to leave
Baby help me
Cause without you my whole world is falling apart
And with out I think I'll go crazy! Life's a
prison when your in love alone
(Oh girl) I need you come back home (you know I need you)
I don't want to be alone
(Please stay don't go) To give me another chance I
want to be your man
Girl, you got me down here on my knees
Crying, begging pleading
I'll do anything for your love
Would you help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
I don't understand
Girl I just a man
Help me
Can help me
With out you my whole world is falling apart
And without you girl I'm going crazy! Life a
prison without your love
Can u help me?
Tell me why, why, why, why, why, why
Can u help me?
Girl I'm here this time because your all I got
Can u help me?
Help me understand why I can't be your man
It's driving me crazy
Crazy, crazy, crazy
[Fading]
Can you help me?
Usher
Umm Why, Umm Why
Living on the edge out of control
And the world just wont let me slow down
But in my biggest picture
was a photo of you & me
Girl you know I try
I work hard to provide
all the material things that
I thought would make you happy
I'm confused can you make me understand
Cause I tried to give you the best of me
I thought we were cool maybe I was blind
But never took time to see!
Can u help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
Tell me why you wanna leave
Baby help me
Without you my whole world is falling apart
And I'm going crazy! Lifes a prison when your in
love alone
(Oh girl) I need you come back home (you know I need you)
I don't want to be alone.
Girl I put your love up on the shelf
And I guess I jus left it to die,
And now we're not together
cause I hurt you too many times
And now your not around
I wish for every moment in time
That got wasted we used it to make sweet love.
Baby be my guide please take my hand
Want you to know that I got you.
If you need it. I don't want to be on the outside
looking in
I got to have you girl can't you see it.
Will you help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
Tell me why you want to leave
Baby help me
Cause without you my whole world is falling apart
And with out I think I'll go crazy! Life's a
prison when your in love alone
(Oh girl) I need you come back home (you know I need you)
I don't want to be alone
(Please stay don't go) To give me another chance I
want to be your man
Girl, you got me down here on my knees
Crying, begging pleading
I'll do anything for your love
Would you help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
I don't understand
Girl I just a man
Help me
Can help me
With out you my whole world is falling apart
And without you girl I'm going crazy! Life a
prison without your love
Can u help me?
Tell me why, why, why, why, why, why
Can u help me?
Girl I'm here this time because your all I got
Can u help me?
Help me understand why I can't be your man
It's driving me crazy
Crazy, crazy, crazy
[Fading]
July 29, 2005
Wake Yo ASS uP!!
Damn it's early as hell and I missed Being Bobby Brown last nite.. Today is the last day I'm working 12hrs...This shit has me done forreal!! LOL I ran late this morning.. waking up @ 5:20am and I had to be here @ 6am... WEll, at least today is FRIDAY and I have a 3 day weekend... WHoo Hooo.. I ain't gonna do shit.. lol that's funny huh....be back later.. when things get interested..
July 28, 2005
Listen to me!
He says Can you stand the rain yet runs away with the umbrella. . . He makes jokes yet can't take them; he won't commit yet lashes out whenever he thinks I've strayed.
I'm Confused ... Would you be? It seems like all fingers pointing to me have no bearing on the pointer., no responsibility in the pain or the accusation. I love him, yet I hate him.. Aren't they one in the same? I can't sleep without him, but I cannot live with him....
TO be continued when I awake.
It's like 5:15 pm I've been here over 12 hours and I'm absolutely delirious.. no telling what I might write or say.. I'm horny as hell and I think it's causing me to see shit.. like weird shit.. u just don't know,, weird ass dream's.. Ahhhh I can't take it much longer...
What should I do... ??? Any suggestions
I'm Confused ... Would you be? It seems like all fingers pointing to me have no bearing on the pointer., no responsibility in the pain or the accusation. I love him, yet I hate him.. Aren't they one in the same? I can't sleep without him, but I cannot live with him....
TO be continued when I awake.
It's like 5:15 pm I've been here over 12 hours and I'm absolutely delirious.. no telling what I might write or say.. I'm horny as hell and I think it's causing me to see shit.. like weird shit.. u just don't know,, weird ass dream's.. Ahhhh I can't take it much longer...
What should I do... ??? Any suggestions
July 27, 2005
Here we go again...
I went home last and crashed...lol I was sooo tired. But it felt good to sleep. I woke up about 4am.. showered and came right back to work.. They are offering OT again.. so I'm on it.. Well, I'm sure the day will be eventful...Oh We prank called Willie this morning from the radio... Mike P is sooo stupid.. but Willie shoo didn't fall for it. LOL It was funny anyway....
*** For Aaron *** #9 Diary of Alicia Keys
Wake Up...
[VERSE 1:]
You used to be my closest ally
In this cold cold world of deception and lies
We would defend and protect one another
Now I can't tell if we're enemies or lovers
[BRIDGE:]
So who's gonna rescue us from ourselves
[HOOK:]
When we gonna wake up baby?
When it's time for lovin'
Before it's too late?
[VERSE 2:]
Oh, baby, where did we go wrong, baby?
Did this cold, cold world turn us into stone?
Now all I battle is your ego and your pride
It's ticking like a time bomb, ready too ignite
Hurtin' me to fight
[BRIDGE:]
Who's gonna rescue us from ourselves
[HOOK 2:]
When we gonna wake up baby?
It's time for lovin'
When it's time for lovin'
Before it's too late?
[BRIDGE:]
When the smoke clears
What will be left for us but tears and pain
Why must we argue over the same things
Just to make up and go back again
It's never too late
But it's been too long
Can't get it right when no one thinks they're wrong
When no on thinks they're wrong
Gotta get out of bed
And take a look at what's going on
[HOOK AND OUT]
*** For Aaron *** #9 Diary of Alicia Keys
Wake Up...
[VERSE 1:]
You used to be my closest ally
In this cold cold world of deception and lies
We would defend and protect one another
Now I can't tell if we're enemies or lovers
[BRIDGE:]
So who's gonna rescue us from ourselves
[HOOK:]
When we gonna wake up baby?
When it's time for lovin'
Before it's too late?
[VERSE 2:]
Oh, baby, where did we go wrong, baby?
Did this cold, cold world turn us into stone?
Now all I battle is your ego and your pride
It's ticking like a time bomb, ready too ignite
Hurtin' me to fight
[BRIDGE:]
Who's gonna rescue us from ourselves
[HOOK 2:]
When we gonna wake up baby?
It's time for lovin'
When it's time for lovin'
Before it's too late?
[BRIDGE:]
When the smoke clears
What will be left for us but tears and pain
Why must we argue over the same things
Just to make up and go back again
It's never too late
But it's been too long
Can't get it right when no one thinks they're wrong
When no on thinks they're wrong
Gotta get out of bed
And take a look at what's going on
[HOOK AND OUT]
July 26, 2005
I'm going crazy..............
I did something so crazy last nite.. I came to my job around 2 am & I left around 6am.., came back in @ 10 and NOW I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm soooo sleepy..
don't ask why I was @ my job.. I was up to no good.. not doing shit. Making jokes...
Clowning.. listening to crazy ass customer's.. Now I'm paying for it.. I will be back here @ 6am ... OT time.. get it while it's hot!!! Thanks Dave... I'm sure you're sleeping now.. lol Lol But you'll be back tonite.. LMAO!!!!Mpower Sucks!
don't ask why I was @ my job.. I was up to no good.. not doing shit. Making jokes...
Clowning.. listening to crazy ass customer's.. Now I'm paying for it.. I will be back here @ 6am ... OT time.. get it while it's hot!!! Thanks Dave... I'm sure you're sleeping now.. lol Lol But you'll be back tonite.. LMAO!!!!Mpower Sucks!
July 25, 2005
Last thoughts for Monday...
I told you today really sucked right.. WELL, IT ONLY GOT BETTER!! LMAO..
Recently, I've been thinking of buying a kitty... could be because I'm so fucking lonely that any type of companionship will do. So anyway, I've been looking around @ pet stores and they want $75 just to adopt a cat.. Yea right.. So I went on Craig's List where u can find anything under the sun... I saw a few ad's.. and I talked to one lady.. Lisa. She said she had some persian kitties that were 11 wks old.. Ok.. $50 buck...(for anyone that DOESN'T KNOW, Persian Cats are on the expensive side so this was a steal of a deal..lol) I get directions and after work I head on over. When I arrive at the house the first thing I hear is barking when I approach the door. The lady open's the door and invite's me in. She was a round, short woman with pale blonde hair... it's cut short ..very short.. I assumed she was a lesbian (although I could just be stereo-typing)I walk in and I swear to god this must be a fucking petting zoo!! Not only did the 25 dogs almost knock me on my feet.. the smell was excruciating!!! There were dogs everywhere!! Big ones, little ones.. white ones, black ones.. muts..pure breds.. u name it they had it.. then the cats were all over the couch.. on the floor, in the kitchen.. I had to get out of there immediately. I made up some excuse to leave FAST! When I got out I felt like I couldn't breathe.. the smell was all in my clothes.. my hair... It was plain Gross.. I may rethink the Cat idea..
*************------------*************
* *
* )*) )*) *
* *
* ! *
* *
* + + *
* + + *
* + + *
+
OTHER BREAKING NEWS!!
I'm on my way home and I'm having this great conversation with Aaron.
No arguing... No fighting... No sarcastic comments.. We're laughing and just
talking. We get on the subject of babies. I say how I'm really wanting to have
one now. At first I was a little unsure because I didn't want to gain too much
weight, but now I'm getting that feeling again. Then he tells me that he is not
having kids anytime soon... and I fucked up because when I had the fertility meds
I went around saying how I didn't want any children ( which I did) and now I want to act all brand new. I was really hurt by this. Of course I understood where he was coming from. We're in 2 different states, we have no real commitment.. but then again we were just talking. He continues to reiterate what I already KNOW. HE's moved on and I'm just holding on for dear life until he cuts the cord permenantly.
I KNOW there's someone else. Come on!! He used to email me good morning all the time. Now all he wants to talk about is sex.. I'm good for that, but when it comes to real conversation he shys away and turns it into an arguement. Fuck it. No one understands my pain.
Recently, I've been thinking of buying a kitty... could be because I'm so fucking lonely that any type of companionship will do. So anyway, I've been looking around @ pet stores and they want $75 just to adopt a cat.. Yea right.. So I went on Craig's List where u can find anything under the sun... I saw a few ad's.. and I talked to one lady.. Lisa. She said she had some persian kitties that were 11 wks old.. Ok.. $50 buck...(for anyone that DOESN'T KNOW, Persian Cats are on the expensive side so this was a steal of a deal..lol) I get directions and after work I head on over. When I arrive at the house the first thing I hear is barking when I approach the door. The lady open's the door and invite's me in. She was a round, short woman with pale blonde hair... it's cut short ..very short.. I assumed she was a lesbian (although I could just be stereo-typing)I walk in and I swear to god this must be a fucking petting zoo!! Not only did the 25 dogs almost knock me on my feet.. the smell was excruciating!!! There were dogs everywhere!! Big ones, little ones.. white ones, black ones.. muts..pure breds.. u name it they had it.. then the cats were all over the couch.. on the floor, in the kitchen.. I had to get out of there immediately. I made up some excuse to leave FAST! When I got out I felt like I couldn't breathe.. the smell was all in my clothes.. my hair... It was plain Gross.. I may rethink the Cat idea..
*************------------*************
* *
* )*) )*) *
* *
* ! *
* *
* + + *
* + + *
* + + *
+
OTHER BREAKING NEWS!!
I'm on my way home and I'm having this great conversation with Aaron.
No arguing... No fighting... No sarcastic comments.. We're laughing and just
talking. We get on the subject of babies. I say how I'm really wanting to have
one now. At first I was a little unsure because I didn't want to gain too much
weight, but now I'm getting that feeling again. Then he tells me that he is not
having kids anytime soon... and I fucked up because when I had the fertility meds
I went around saying how I didn't want any children ( which I did) and now I want to act all brand new. I was really hurt by this. Of course I understood where he was coming from. We're in 2 different states, we have no real commitment.. but then again we were just talking. He continues to reiterate what I already KNOW. HE's moved on and I'm just holding on for dear life until he cuts the cord permenantly.
I KNOW there's someone else. Come on!! He used to email me good morning all the time. Now all he wants to talk about is sex.. I'm good for that, but when it comes to real conversation he shys away and turns it into an arguement. Fuck it. No one understands my pain.
***Counting down Monday****
Monday's ALWAYS suck! For some reason today sucked more than usual.. could've been because my first call was a screaming, irrational lady who I had to hang up on.. Then the freaky lady on my team has so many issues,( she's pregnant, smokes...has no teeth..umm hmm did I mention the stale smell she has and I'm NOT being funny). Well, this lady cannot be much smarter than an ant... Literally. I spent the majority of my morning getting her logged into the computer and trying to figure out her orders... It's like decoding an S.O.S message and your blind.lol Anyhow, I'm coasting thru today as best as I can.. good thing we always have tomorrow.. I'll walk it out tonite..
P.S.Everyone keeps commenting on the weight I've lost.. I feel really good.. lol
P.S.Everyone keeps commenting on the weight I've lost.. I feel really good.. lol
July 24, 2005
Princess Cherise... The Rain.. and the missing Prince...
Well it's been a very busy weekend for me indeed. One of my co-workers had this huge 50th Bday bash that should go down in the records for the Party of all parites. It was a formal Black & White event. Women In black.. Men in white. Now, for those that don't know.. I never got to do the prom thing or homecoming so it's a big deal for me to get all Dolled up.. which is Exactly what I did.. I had my hair pulled up in a simple French Roll with cascading curls to frame my face.. I wore a Satin Black top which tied at the waist and pin striped mid calf length slacks... the shoes, well .. they were off the HOOK!!! I have the pics to prove it! LOL I wore a necklace which dropped down into my bust... IT was VERY sexy.. and I went alone.. :(
The party itself was held in a banquet hall in one the Casino's here in Vegas. It was absolutely breathtaking the way they had it all set up.. Romantic Dance Floor... Low lighting... My kind of music... (lol) I felt like a princess ... except for one thing.. NO PRINCE! Here I was Cinderella without my Prince Charming.. I didn't lose my shoe, but I felt like I'd lost my heart. There I was sitting in a room with about 200 other people.. I smiled.. I laughed.. I mingled, but I'd never felt so in alone in my life. I watched Granny dance to an old Gap Band song... while the other couples embraced one another and danced the night away. My dance partner's consisted of my gay friends and a few girls from work. I swear I felt so sick. I drank away the loneliness and decided to end my nite..ALONE. I went by the strip club because a few friends were there... I never made it inside. It felt like a slap in the face to even be sitting near this place that caused so much of my heartache and HIS. So I went home.. and text Aaron until I fell asleep with my phone in my hand... my only means of comfort.I awoke to the sound of rain.. I immediately opened up my window so that I could take in the smell of the rain. I LOVE the smell of rain!! It makes me feel clean and brand new. Maybe the rain can wash away some of this pain I have in my heart... Just a thought. I'm still waiting on my prince... Wherever HE is.
The party itself was held in a banquet hall in one the Casino's here in Vegas. It was absolutely breathtaking the way they had it all set up.. Romantic Dance Floor... Low lighting... My kind of music... (lol) I felt like a princess ... except for one thing.. NO PRINCE! Here I was Cinderella without my Prince Charming.. I didn't lose my shoe, but I felt like I'd lost my heart. There I was sitting in a room with about 200 other people.. I smiled.. I laughed.. I mingled, but I'd never felt so in alone in my life. I watched Granny dance to an old Gap Band song... while the other couples embraced one another and danced the night away. My dance partner's consisted of my gay friends and a few girls from work. I swear I felt so sick. I drank away the loneliness and decided to end my nite..ALONE. I went by the strip club because a few friends were there... I never made it inside. It felt like a slap in the face to even be sitting near this place that caused so much of my heartache and HIS. So I went home.. and text Aaron until I fell asleep with my phone in my hand... my only means of comfort.I awoke to the sound of rain.. I immediately opened up my window so that I could take in the smell of the rain. I LOVE the smell of rain!! It makes me feel clean and brand new. Maybe the rain can wash away some of this pain I have in my heart... Just a thought. I'm still waiting on my prince... Wherever HE is.
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July 21, 2005
1AM
I'M CHATTING WHEN I SHOULD BE ASLEEP.. I'M CONTEMPLATING GOING OUT BECAUSE I NEED A SHOULDER TO CRY ON TONITE OR JUST A SHOULDER TO LAY ON. IT'S QUIET HERE. TOO DAMNED FUCKING QUIET!! I'M LAUGHING TO SHAKE OFF THE PAIN, BUT IT'S THERE DEEP UNDERNEATH ALL THE FACADES. I'M JUST NOT LETTING IT GET TO ME OR AM I? WHY CAN'T I SLEEP? UMMM WELL,GOODNIGHT
July 20, 2005
*Smiling*.. still after everything going on
I'm all dressed up today in my Red Dress...for those of you who don't know I rarely wear dresses.. but I've lost a lil weight, so I'm feeling a lil sexy. lol Anyway, this is where I'm at today. I'm alive... I have a car.. a good job, a smart kid... a place to live. I'm thankful... even if I don't have a man. I have to be realistic. I have several conversations with him and it seems like he is trying to string me along on this mind game for his own personal satisfaction. I'm not going to play it anymore. I love him. I miss him. But I'm not going to beg or lower my own morale for his gratification. I honestly believe he has no plans on trying to get back together.. I really believe the ex factor is back in the picture. or he's met someone online.. but it's cool... I'm not gonna stress anymore. I made the effort to show him I cared and I was sorry for the part I played in all of this. That's all I can do.. now it's time to heal. Back to being Cherise.. Did ya'll miss me???
July 18, 2005
sleep. I hope.
I'm feeling really good right now. I went for a long walk and I sweated. I enjoyed the evening very much. I took some time to regroup and think to myself. I felt so much better after I finished walking... especially when the endorphins rushed.LOL
Anyhow, I'm going to take a cold bath.. hell yea I said cold bath.. it's 98 degrees outside.. Any questions? TO all of my faithful readers..I'm ok. I'm getting it together. Trust in my strength. It's always there sometimes it's just hiding. I'm going to sleep tonite.
P.S. I had a weird ass dream about Jo-Joe last nite.. lol I dreamed he came to Nakia/Willie's house to give me a present.. but the present was a bag full of everything I'd ever given him... lol that shit was funny. I was pulling out keychains.. and pictures.. poems.. cards and even some type of clothing. I thought to myself, I must be on his mind.. how can u be an asshole in someone else's dream.. LMAO.. Imma pray for him.
Anyhow, I'm going to take a cold bath.. hell yea I said cold bath.. it's 98 degrees outside.. Any questions? TO all of my faithful readers..I'm ok. I'm getting it together. Trust in my strength. It's always there sometimes it's just hiding. I'm going to sleep tonite.
P.S. I had a weird ass dream about Jo-Joe last nite.. lol I dreamed he came to Nakia/Willie's house to give me a present.. but the present was a bag full of everything I'd ever given him... lol that shit was funny. I was pulling out keychains.. and pictures.. poems.. cards and even some type of clothing. I thought to myself, I must be on his mind.. how can u be an asshole in someone else's dream.. LMAO.. Imma pray for him.
I smiled today.
A funny thing happened to me this morning at WalMart ( yea I know i was just there yesterday, but I had to go pick up the Cake for the party). I walked in and went towards the Bakery and on my way there I noticed a woman standing in front of the Deli. Now, normally I wouldn't have looked twice, but what made her stand out was the children she had surrounding her. There was a toddler in the front basket, an infant strapped to her and 2 other younger children that looked no older than 5 or 6 yrs old. My first thought was WOW, that's a lot of damned kids. LOL Then I just smiled. I envied her. That is where I want to be in my life. I noticed the ring on her finger and it was obvious she was married. Most likely she stays at home with her kids and her husband has a good job. She is living my dream. I glanced over at her & I smiled again then I walked away.
More Surveys... This is what happens when u can't sleep or think.. or do anything for that matter!!
Your Blogging Type is Kind and Harmonious |
![]() You tend to mediate fighting and drama. You set a cooperative tone. You have a great eye for design - and your blog tends to be the best looking on the block! |
You Are 24 Years Old |
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
What Age Do You Act?
Your Birthdate: May 16 |
Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection. |
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
Slow and Steady |
![]() They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it. |
How Do People See You?
![]() You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything! |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. |
Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
Your Porn Star Name is: Ima Cumming |
Get your own Porn Star Name
CHERISE | ||
---|---|---|
C | is for | Cheerful |
H | is for | Handy |
E | is for | Explosive |
R | is for | Romantic |
I | is for | Intelligent |
S | is for | Sincere |
E | is for | Entertaining |
What Your Dreams Mean... |
![]() Your dreams seem to show that you're very preoccupied with your fears and problems. These bad dreams indicate that you need to spend more time on your issues during the day. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind. You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind. |
What Do Your Dreams Mean?
Overall, Your Observation Skills Get: B- |
![]() And it takes something big to distract you! |
AARON | ||
---|---|---|
A | is for | Adventurous |
A | is for | Arty |
R | is for | Refined |
O | is for | Orderly |
N | is for | Nervy |
Yea I did HIS name too...
July 17, 2005
Willy Wonka...
I went to see Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory... hoping it was keep my mind and my heart off of Aaron... Well, I was wrong... can u believe that I almost cried. The oompa loompa's were a constant reminder thru the entire movie of Aaron.. he used to call me that... lol..
The movie was great even so... Goodnight
The movie was great even so... Goodnight
It's Sunday...
I haven't had much sleep but I guess I can attribute that to all that is on my mind. My sister has caused so much drama in my life... she decided to be an identity theive and use our address to receive the goods... She was even so stupid as to use her first intial and REAL last name.. which happens to be the same as mine. So not only have I had to deal with the police, but I've had to clean up her mess too... She is lucky I haven't turned her into the police... since I'm no snitch! Anyway, that is only adding onto my grief over Aaron. Yesterday he really let me have it. I was completely devastated and then finally realized after several cuts later that it didn't matter what I said or what I did he wasn't coming back and we're not going to have the family that I'd hoped for. I've conceded I think. Accepted and I'm out of denial. He can have his life. I won't interfere. I will however be jealous, angry, hurt and AlONE for a long time to come... IF nothing else at least I'm losing weight. I ate a yogurt today & I'm going to have a sandwich in a little while... HEY! it's a start . I haven't really been eating much. I got out of the house today.. I shopped. I bought some shoes and blouse for the party Satuday. I also copped some sexy new bra's ( ha! like it matters... no one here to see them)
Last nite I talked on the phone to my friend.. He was a big help for a minute.. but then the conversation ended and I was back to the silence that surrounds me called HOME. MarQuin was @ a friends last nite.. and he doesn't want to be bothered with a depressed Mom anyway!! I went to WalMart as well.. bought some fruit and pastrami.. ice tea and a picture frame. It was so Hot I felt like I was going to melt. Tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to smile. No matter how sad or depressed I am .. I will smile.
Last nite I talked on the phone to my friend.. He was a big help for a minute.. but then the conversation ended and I was back to the silence that surrounds me called HOME. MarQuin was @ a friends last nite.. and he doesn't want to be bothered with a depressed Mom anyway!! I went to WalMart as well.. bought some fruit and pastrami.. ice tea and a picture frame. It was so Hot I felt like I was going to melt. Tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to smile. No matter how sad or depressed I am .. I will smile.
July 16, 2005
How many ways can you say it's over?
Im writing because I have nothing more to do. I have no one to talk to and no where to turn. I'm sinking fast.. like an emotional titanic. Everything about me is drowning. I'm looking back on the last 3 yrs of my life and I'm wondering Why I'm so hurt. If I'm honest, then I'll say it was my own fault because from the begining it wasn't a healthy situation.I used him for comfort and solace and he used me for everything I had. Somewhere down the line, the games turned into a relationship and we fell in love. Whenever love creeps into the equation you almost always come out with pain. I will admit I've said and done some horrific things to this man. I've lied to cause jealousy & played vindictive games. He's done same... In between these foul escapades there were times that were pure bliss.. laughter filled the air & happiness was upon us... We shared this together on many of days. I had moments in my life when he was all I had ... HE was my strength... my honor.. my integrity when everything around me went bad. I have to credit him for some of my newly found ways ( for those that KNOW me, well they KNOW exactly what I mean! lol ) I am more of woman because of him... even in all of his rage.. he never let me run away. He taught me to face my life and work thru whatever was stopping me from living. And there was a lot to deal with in my life, but he stuck with me. SO, maybe that is why I am so hurt and so ANGRY. I never thought he would actually walk away and leave me alone. I'm not used to being alone. Now all I can focus on is the moments of pain... I don't want to admit it wasn't always that way. I don't want to admit I had a part in running him away. I don't want to admit I'm sick without him everyday. I just want him back.. here next to me.. whether yelling or laughing... reprimanding or praising.. job or no job... I need him.But he doesn't need me. He texts me saying he luvs me, but not in that way. He loves me because I was a part of him but he's moved on with his new life. What's so different now... I want to answer that too, but I can't because I haven't a clue. I guess it kinda hit me all at once. I took him for granted. I'm upset that he won't let me at least try to make it better... I'm scared that he'll find someone new.. better than me.. smaller than me.. someone that can give him everything i was unable to give.. happiness, a baby.. a real life to live. Maybe I'm just too emotional to deal with. Maybe it's like he said, I deserve all that I'm getting.. because when he was here I didn't pay attention or care about that family that I long for now. But that wasn't it... that wasn't it at all. I can't even describe what I'm feeling inside...except it kinda feels like you're a hostage.. without any control of the situation.. u have to wait for orders and wait to be told what's going to happen next. It feels horrible. I can't get out. I don't want to love him, but I don't want to stop.
I guess Lauryn Hill can sum it up for me in the "Ex Factor"
P.S. I wasn't tryin to rhyme either....
as painful as this thing has been... I just can't be with no one else.
I guess Lauryn Hill can sum it up for me in the "Ex Factor"
P.S. I wasn't tryin to rhyme either....
as painful as this thing has been... I just can't be with no one else.
I've been up since 4am
I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind. Honestly, I don't even want to write about... I am however working on a piece that I'm going to perform on July 30 @ Sheila's Cafe.. What have I been doing since 4am u may ask? Well, writing and taking some dumb survey's because I'm bored. Here is one of them....
July 12, 2005
I had a revelation....
While driving to work this morning I was listening to the Destiny's Child song, Cater to you. The first time I ever heard this song I hated it. I couldn't pinpoint just why, but it could just be the independent Woman in me.. LOL Why would a bunch of beautiful, successful Black Women cater to some thugs ( just me thinking out loud ). Well, on the way to work this morning, listening to this particular song I had a revelation. I finally understood the song. I thought back to my own relationship and the man that I once had. Maybe if I would've have catered to his manhood just once we would've had a chance. I was so caught up in my own successes and goals that I never once even took into consideration HIS feelings. I looked at him as a burden and I resented HIM. This was expressed over and over again in my every action. Today when I Listened to this song it provided me with a brand new perspective on men and relationships. I know that probably sounds corny. But just think about it... I had a man that was waiting for me everyday when I came home from work.. sometimes he ran my bath... cooked my dinner and raised my son.. although he didn't do things the way I wanted them done.. he did them and that deserved a lot more recognition than I ever gave him. Now it's probably too late ... But, Thank you Aaron for everything. good and bad.. I love you..
July 11, 2005
What else can I say?
He told me that we will never get together again.. he said things like I need to beg and change... I was Livid.. he went back and mentioned situations from the past.... he said I was to blame for this... so I'm thinking to myself is he kidding? Was he in the same relationship I was in.. who cheated on who? Of course I'm not innocent in this game... but let's be honest and real here .... There is nothing else I can say. I'm over the edge. It's over. |
July 10, 2005
Being Bobby Brown....
Has anyone else been watching Being Bobby Brown? That shit is fucking hilarious.. ( I had to cuss) lmao... I mean, here u have 2 crackheads unleashed on the world and it's not a movie.. this shit is real.Whitney Houston is a Ghetto as hell ride or die chic and Bobby Brown is a stone cold fool. I laughed so hard on Thursday that I didn't even want to leave to go & get my chicken.. lol I didn't want to miss what was going to happen next. And I'm really sorry to say it, but those BE SOME UGLY ASS KIDS!!! HAHAHA. ( still laughing @ Bobbi Kristina) Laprincia..well the name set her up for failure.... she was destined for a stereo-typical perception. Anyway, if you haven't checked it out ....do so.... You'll be hooked.. it's like watching Chapelle show,.. you never know what's gonna be said next. It comes on Bravo ( channel 53 where I'm @ , can't speak for anyone else) Damn, I just sounded like an advertisement. lol
It's getting lonelier by the second !!!
I was going to go out last nite.But I decided against it. Instead I embarked upon a cooking spree.. lol It's been a minute since I've even been in my kitchen to do anything besides take my vitamens. I spent the majority of my day running errands and paying bills.. washed the car... spend a lil money and then I headed to the grocery store. I bought all the ingredients I needed to start my dinner. Came home and cooked. I made garlic red mashed potatoes, baked pork chops with a portabello mushroom gravy.. fresh brocoli crowns with grated cheddar cheese and some fresh garlic bread. After I finished cooking I looked around and realized how disturbingly quiet it was in my house. I talked on the phone for awhile and then I sat down to my dinner... ALONE. My son was of course at a friends house AGAIN. I sat there eating and feeling stupid for cooking all of this food with only myself here. Then I fell asleep on the couch watching Lemony Snickets, A series of Unfortunate Events... Very appropriate given my certain circumstances. I don't understand why this is so hard for me. Even today as I write this I feel so down and out. It's like I've been knocked down and I can't get up. I plan to get out of the house today... at least that is what I keep telling myself. I will go out for a walk later. Right now I'm just cleaning and baking.
July 09, 2005
I cried again.
Last nite I was tired & very irritable. I had a headache out of this world. I intially wasn't going to go to work.I wasn't scheduled until 12pm,but I'd called out around 11am. I ran my errands, got my hair done and even managed to meet a friend for lunch ( or rather he watched me pick at some food I didn't want)
By the way, I've lost 10 or so lbs.. My appetite sucks right now. (wonder why) I ended up going to work around 2pm... one of my reps was having some issues. Work was boring.. 4 hrs of just sitting around.. Immediately following work I went home and straight to sleep. I was supposed to go out on a date (( I guess))... to the movies. With this guy I met, he is 33 and very handsome.. intelligent, has a job and he even has 2 cars.. which is cool because most men you meet here look for you to ride them around town. I liked the conversation we had. I was just too tired to go anywhere... plus I couldn't get you know who off of my mind. So when he called I declined to go out and went right back to sleep. While asleep I was tricked and bamboozled... LOL I dreamed of a house and a baby in my stomach... and Aaron. It was so real that I could feel the baby inside of my stomach moving. I didn't want to wake up and shit, I thought it was real anyway... so when my eyes opened and I looked around... I cried. I layed there and cried like a big ass baby! I don't wanna be here alone. AND I don't want to go on dates.... I don't want to explain who I am to someone new. I don't wanna lay with someone else other than him... I don't wanna think about anyone else besides him. This sucks... really sucks.. I'm sitting listening to Omarian singing, " I wish I didn't love you". What makes this even more difficult is the fact that he acts like he doesn't miss me.. he doesn't need me.. that is how I know in my heart we are done.. He's never done this before. I know I have to accept this. But maybe I can hold on for just a little while longer. And I'm not going to even give my number out anymore. There is no need to waste anyone's time with me.. I'm hopeless right now.
By the way, I've lost 10 or so lbs.. My appetite sucks right now. (wonder why) I ended up going to work around 2pm... one of my reps was having some issues. Work was boring.. 4 hrs of just sitting around.. Immediately following work I went home and straight to sleep. I was supposed to go out on a date (( I guess))... to the movies. With this guy I met, he is 33 and very handsome.. intelligent, has a job and he even has 2 cars.. which is cool because most men you meet here look for you to ride them around town. I liked the conversation we had. I was just too tired to go anywhere... plus I couldn't get you know who off of my mind. So when he called I declined to go out and went right back to sleep. While asleep I was tricked and bamboozled... LOL I dreamed of a house and a baby in my stomach... and Aaron. It was so real that I could feel the baby inside of my stomach moving. I didn't want to wake up and shit, I thought it was real anyway... so when my eyes opened and I looked around... I cried. I layed there and cried like a big ass baby! I don't wanna be here alone. AND I don't want to go on dates.... I don't want to explain who I am to someone new. I don't wanna lay with someone else other than him... I don't wanna think about anyone else besides him. This sucks... really sucks.. I'm sitting listening to Omarian singing, " I wish I didn't love you". What makes this even more difficult is the fact that he acts like he doesn't miss me.. he doesn't need me.. that is how I know in my heart we are done.. He's never done this before. I know I have to accept this. But maybe I can hold on for just a little while longer. And I'm not going to even give my number out anymore. There is no need to waste anyone's time with me.. I'm hopeless right now.
July 07, 2005
Driving.. Chicken and Bobby Womack.. lol
You won't believe this shhhh! I'm driving to KFC. Just a routine drive 5 minutes from the house.. I turn on the radio and what do I hear? Bobby Womack singing, "If you think you're lonely now, wait until tonight girl". I swear I almost crashed. First thing that came to mind was Aaron. I wonder who he's with or what he is doing. Next thing that came to mind was Mariah Carey's, WE belong together.... I wanted to cry. Then I just laughed and continued on to get my chicken because MarQuin and I were both hungry. Funny thing is my little son is sooooo Smart! HE says, " Mommy you always listen to this music when Aaron is gone". He is so right. Goodnight
July 06, 2005
Back From Cali... ((sigh)) & At work...
Today I am feeling so MARIAH CAREY # 9 Circles...... Ever Since you left me, I've been trying to hide the pain. Painting on a smile with lipstick, puttin on a big charade. So difficult to keep pretending, it's getting harder everyday. It's plain to see I'm cold & Heartsick Since u turned and walked away. I just keep going round & round..... and round in circles keep on Tumbling down.................... (chorus) Oh Boy My world has changed ANd I don't think I can make it w/o you. Nothing's the same You got me running around in circles over you. You get the point right. I cried last nite. I cried this morning. And I may cry sometime during this day. Anyway, I'm back at work. It's cool. Not doing much... coaching... listening to some calls. Not talking too much because I am utterly depressed. |
July 05, 2005
Cali............................................................
Well, I'm still in Cali... been here since Saturday. For the most part I've enjoyed myself. Then there's Aaron. I planned on spending all of my time with him this weekend.. Just enjoying each other's company and maybe getting to each other all over again. Well, to put it in a nutshell is bombed! Aaron was very distant to me and barely paid any attention to me at all. The little time we spent together we argued about spending time... what a waste.. is it partly my fault? SURE. I should've recognized the signs. Everytime we had plans he changed them promising something else. None of which occured. Finally he tells me he doesn't want to deal with me. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Obviously, he's made his life choices. He's come back here and gotten a good job.. an new life none of which include me. I feel so crushed. I didn't know I would take it so hard. I'd thought I'd become used to not having him.. Not needing him. Truth is I do NEED him and I do WANT him. I know I've said this before..over and over again.... But this weekend I've realized... I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I don't know how I will get thru this summer... without HIM. I am going home later on tonight... and I will not be returning to Cali anytime soon.
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