So in about 48 hrs we will be in a New Year.. Whoo hooo.. I thought I'd give Mr.Armour something to ponder, being that HE is the Music King Of Chi Town.. LOL... These May be a lil easy.. but we will see what he's working with... Btw if u get all these songs I would like them downloaded On a CD and mailed to my perspective address.. LOL LOL Love, Reese
P.S. I mixed R&B (ole skool) & Hip Hop...
1.You are my lovelight, this I know
And I'll never let you go
You my all, you're heart, part of me
Once I was lost and now I'm found
Then you turned my world around
When I need you, I call your name"
2.That's the way it was
Happened so naturally
I did not know it was love
The next thing I felt was
You holding me close
What was I gonna do?
I let myself go
3."Here have a dollar
in fact now brotherman here have two
two dollars means a snack for me
but it means a big deal to you
be strong serve god only
know that if you do beautiful heaven awaits"
4."There's something that I want to say
But words sometimes get in the way
I just want to show
My feelings for you
There's nothing that I'd rather do
Than spend ev'ry moment with you
I guess you should know
I love you so"
5." U told me things and I believed them all.. u disappeared at times and that didn't matter at all. Ohh those lonely nites I waited for your call"
6."My baby and are back together again
Lovin' is better than it's ever been
If it weren't for the trials we've been through
I'd never have the courage to come back to you
7."People say that I've found a way
To make you say that you love me
Hey baby, you didn't go for that
It's a natural fact
That I wanna come back
Show me where it's at, baby
8."Girl, you're lookin' sweeter now
You got it every day, girl
Wish that I could love you now
In a special way"
9."I've got his picture
It's on my dresser
Right next to my bed
He doesn't know me
But I sure know him
I can't get him out of my head,"
10."You're Not Like Anybody I Ever Knew
But That Don't Mean That I Don't Know Where We Are
And Though I Find Myself Attracted To You
This Time I'm Trying Not To Go Too Far, Cause"
11."Black cat is bad luck, bad guys wear black
Musta been a white guy who started all that"
12."My mother went away for a month-long trip
Her and some friends on an ocean-liner ship
She made a big mistake by leaving me home I had to roam so I picked up the phone
Dialed Ali up to see what was going down
Told him I pick him up so we could drive around
Took the Dodge Dart, a '74"
13."African.
Very African. Come and step in brothers temple see what's
happenin
From the bass low, coming down from below"
December 30, 2005
December 29, 2005
Survey Says!
Back to taking Survey's.. this solidifies the boredom. I'm giving him space. Yada Yada Yada....
December 27, 2005
Teej Tagged me.. Dammit! 5 random things/facts about me....
1.I've always wanted to be a singer/dancer.. I used to be quite good at dancing..still am... I can still sing, but shh! don't tell anyone... Then everyone will really be calling me Alicia Keys when I get my hair braided.. LOL
2.I have a fear of heights/death/being out of control... oh and the Dentist... It's been 6 months and I haven't gone back to get the other side of my mouth done yet. LMAO. Ok so I will in 2006. Promise, but I ain't jumping out of any planes no time soon.
3.I believe in reincarnation. I think I was a man in my past life.. I have too many manly thoughts and ways... I've never been girly.. but I'm better now... Ask Teej how cute I am.. LOL
4.I have serious self esteem issues. I used to be a lot smaller and although everyone says I look good.. I feel fat, ugly and gross most of the time. I guess the images on T/V don't help. I'm considering going to get liposuction on my stomach. Being overweight makes me feel less of a woman...The biggest misconception is that I'm very confident and self assured.. IT'S all a MIRAGE/FACADE.LMAO
5.I'd rather be blind than deaf. Why? Because who cares about seeing a bunch of shit we take for granted anyway... I would miss the moon and the sunsets... But as long as I could hear my music.... the rain falling and the waves crashing I'd be good.
Now it's your turn
Princess
Curious One
Anonymous (the first one.. U know WHO u Are)
Brea
Stac
2.I have a fear of heights/death/being out of control... oh and the Dentist... It's been 6 months and I haven't gone back to get the other side of my mouth done yet. LMAO. Ok so I will in 2006. Promise, but I ain't jumping out of any planes no time soon.
3.I believe in reincarnation. I think I was a man in my past life.. I have too many manly thoughts and ways... I've never been girly.. but I'm better now... Ask Teej how cute I am.. LOL
4.I have serious self esteem issues. I used to be a lot smaller and although everyone says I look good.. I feel fat, ugly and gross most of the time. I guess the images on T/V don't help. I'm considering going to get liposuction on my stomach. Being overweight makes me feel less of a woman...The biggest misconception is that I'm very confident and self assured.. IT'S all a MIRAGE/FACADE.LMAO
5.I'd rather be blind than deaf. Why? Because who cares about seeing a bunch of shit we take for granted anyway... I would miss the moon and the sunsets... But as long as I could hear my music.... the rain falling and the waves crashing I'd be good.
Now it's your turn
Princess
Curious One
Anonymous (the first one.. U know WHO u Are)
Brea
Stac
Christmas... Bah Humbug!!
Tis the Season to be jolly, Right? Then why are there so many grouches walking around? LMAO. I'm sooo glad this shit is OVER and DONE with. See, every year for ah the past 5 years there's a Christmas competition at my house. I have a niece that is extremely spoiled... not to say my son isn't either, but there are too different kinds of spoiled. They are both only children. They both get a lot of things that I, as a child never DARED dreamed of.LOL U got a bike or skate board not both! U got a Barbie not 25.... These kids have it made. My feeling is this... if it costs so much that u have to let EVERYONE in the whole family KNOW how much u paid for it, then it's best left at the store. It doesn't make any sense to me that my niece has 4 doll houses and 70 barbies and every single kind of brats doll and accessory there is... how will she ever learn NO! and the meaning of humble? It makes no sense to me that my son has every game system and loses most of the $50 games or leave the cords places... or has just received his first Ipod and has not one clue as to DOWNLOADING... It's laughable what Christmas has become. Especially in my family. I bought EVERYONE one gift... including my son because First, I just started a new job and I'm not balling like that and Two, I know better! Years ago I learned my son isn't responsible with his things. Gone are the $200 shopping spree's only to find expensive, trendy toys left by the wayside on the playground or traded with the next door neighbor for something better. My mother goes thru this EVERY YEAR! She goes out and spends this mass amount of money for kids that DON'T NEED any of this stuff and then she complains or mentions how much money she has spent over and over again. It's ridiculous. I really think next year she should take that cruise... it's well deserved and I'm sure both of her grandkids will have toys to spare for years to come.. LOL Besides the usual family drama... I had a good Christmas. Can't complain. I was with my family,....shared some laughs..ate great food and slept really well... Isn't that what Christmas is about? Sharing, Caring and Leaving the price tags...personal crisis, and issues behind. Well, it's over now and we get 365 days to think about it and do it all over again!!
December 23, 2005
Be without you...(I wanna be here ONE DAY!)
Be Without You - Mary J Blige
gotta be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
I wanna be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo
Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't deal nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People start off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
See this is real talk
I'm always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got you locked
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
gotta be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
I wanna be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo
Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't deal nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People start off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
See this is real talk
I'm always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got you locked
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
December 21, 2005
What is this?
Every chance he gets he reiterate's it's over... I don't trust him and that's a big problem. When will I ever be someone's everything...or worth fighting for? HE doesn't want me. He hasn't for a long time. See, he's gotten used to being single even though he was in a relationship. Honestly doesn't exist. My days are hungry and slow when I know he's not waiting for me. How did I get to the bottom of this pit and why is it that whenever someone throws me a rope I can't seem to gather enough strength to pull myself out? I miss my babies and even As I cry ... the tears loudly hitting my keyboard like hail falling from the sky.. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. I came here to be happy and when friends ask me how I am doing, I simply reply, "Great!, Fine!". I'd look like an idiot if anyone really KNEW what I was feeling. So I keep smiling. I will wipe these tears away leaving no trace of sadness. I will smile at work in the morning. I will pretend like he is still my man. Inside I will be broken... running on a private generator. Acting as if I'm ok. I will make it. Maybe, one day when I'm beautiful again I will understand what the fuck is wrong with me and why aren't I good enough for him. Maybe it's not even me. I have a ball of rage stuck in my throat.It's fighting to be released, but I hold out. I'm NOT crazy. Just in love. This is my first love. I know NOW what love is and what it wasn't all those lonely times in my past. All those infatuations and lustful encounters that I'D mistaken as LOVE seem so miniscule compared to these feelings. When u go through fire and walk over mountains and swim through muddy swaps u expect something more than this.. no matter who's fault caused all the wrong turns.. u feel like you're owed some kinda right in all the wrongs. The story of my life. My practical voice says,"Get over it Cherise! It's done already!"................................................
The little girl, who's still searching for love says, "When is it going to be my turn...and when is it going to be real."
The little girl, who's still searching for love says, "When is it going to be my turn...and when is it going to be real."
December 20, 2005
Poetry, Conversations, the freeway and faith.
The past few days of my life have been really life learning. My weekend started off with some great conversation.. a spoken word joint.. and learning to just be me. I'm not really big on reading my poetry in front of people. I'd much rather have people read it themselves and take what they want from it. I really steer clear of the whole spoken word "thing".. I don't like to fall into a specific catagory. And doesn't it seem like everyone's shit sounds the same... on the same beat so to speak? I like to be different, so I'd rather refer to my style as Spoken Soul because that's where it comes from. It doesn't have a beat or drums.. it's just my voice revealing my soul.. so I did it. I read. It was mind blowing!! I'll definitely do it again. I haven't written in my book since Friday or Saturday... I can't remember. I had a really nice conversation with Darrick. He's a nice guy, but I had to be real with him. I'm not in the market to start any type of relationship.. my heart is elsewhere. I can't define my relationship with Aaron. I don't know if we're together or not. I love him. I do. I believe he loves me, but I really feel he wants to be single. Done are my investigating days. I know he still carries on with other women.. whether in the form of phone conversations.. internet exploits or other means... Frankly, it doesn't matter whether I know this or not.. confront him or keep it to myself.. I can't change or make his choices. He KNOWS he hurts me deeply. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I have much better things to do.. like WRITE. It's hard to learn to let go. It's extremely frustrating when you love someone and they don't get it... u become "annoying, a nag, bothersome, ignorant, childish, dependent" and they resent you. Instead of pushing them back into your direction... the exact opposite occurs... they run right into the arms of the awaiting sluts (ok that is my anger speaking, but ya'll get the point!). So, I'm taking a step back .... I guess that is what I'm saying. I'm not going to try and fill the void with various arbitrary men either. I am going to get my body right. My job is good, a lil boring, but a welcome boring. LOL I do miss my Willie & Nakia.. and a few choice other people, but there isn't much I miss about Vegas!
This morning it took me 2 hours to get to work. I spent the night with Aaron and I regretted it every minute I was in traffic! I think a lot when I'm alone. There's nothing more hilarious than people watching on the freeway! I seen some strange shit this morning. People shaving, picking their noses... talking to themselves... (ok I'm guilty of this one). I think about my goals and I watch the sky change. I'm amazed to watch the light come from the darkness... In life we get so busy and stuck like the traffic that we forget to just appreciate life.
Today was an interesting day. Now, for those that don't KNOW me... I have issues with religion.. and God and Heaven and Hell.. all that. It's not that I don't believe in God or Jesus... Because I don't know what to believe. I've been to many churches and I always feel like an outkast. Well, today I was driving and a woman made a left hand turn right in front of my car when the light turned green. I don't really know why I didn't hit her... but I missed her... I should have hit her. Being that I sometimes take my life for granted and do things that I know are wrong... I believe that God was trying to get my attention, She did. LOL Oh and I have a problem with the gender identification too... could be the feminist in me. LOL Why does God HAVE to be a MAN? Someone help me on this... PLEASE!
This morning it took me 2 hours to get to work. I spent the night with Aaron and I regretted it every minute I was in traffic! I think a lot when I'm alone. There's nothing more hilarious than people watching on the freeway! I seen some strange shit this morning. People shaving, picking their noses... talking to themselves... (ok I'm guilty of this one). I think about my goals and I watch the sky change. I'm amazed to watch the light come from the darkness... In life we get so busy and stuck like the traffic that we forget to just appreciate life.
Today was an interesting day. Now, for those that don't KNOW me... I have issues with religion.. and God and Heaven and Hell.. all that. It's not that I don't believe in God or Jesus... Because I don't know what to believe. I've been to many churches and I always feel like an outkast. Well, today I was driving and a woman made a left hand turn right in front of my car when the light turned green. I don't really know why I didn't hit her... but I missed her... I should have hit her. Being that I sometimes take my life for granted and do things that I know are wrong... I believe that God was trying to get my attention, She did. LOL Oh and I have a problem with the gender identification too... could be the feminist in me. LOL Why does God HAVE to be a MAN? Someone help me on this... PLEASE!
December 17, 2005
Song of the Weekend.
"Love"
[Verse 1]
I used to think that I wasn't fine enough
And I used to think that I wasn't wild enough
But I won't waste my time tryin' to figure, out
why you playing games, whats this all about
And I can't believe,
Your hurting me
I met your girl, what a difference
What you see in her
You aint see in me
But i guess it was all just make-believe
[Chorus]
Oh, Love
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....
[Verse 2]
Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
My rainy days fade away when you,
come around please tell me baby
why you go so far away
Why you go...
[Chorus]
Love......
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....
I found you
yeaaahhhh
oooooo
Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
Rainy days fade away
when you come around
say your here to stay
With me boy
I don't want you to leave me
I need you.........
[Chorus]
[Verse 1]
I used to think that I wasn't fine enough
And I used to think that I wasn't wild enough
But I won't waste my time tryin' to figure, out
why you playing games, whats this all about
And I can't believe,
Your hurting me
I met your girl, what a difference
What you see in her
You aint see in me
But i guess it was all just make-believe
[Chorus]
Oh, Love
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....
[Verse 2]
Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
My rainy days fade away when you,
come around please tell me baby
why you go so far away
Why you go...
[Chorus]
Love......
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....
I found you
yeaaahhhh
oooooo
Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
Rainy days fade away
when you come around
say your here to stay
With me boy
I don't want you to leave me
I need you.........
[Chorus]
December 16, 2005
TOO MANY THOUGHTS.Listing
1.Fisting! fisting! Fisting!
2.it's cold as hell...
3. I don't remember cali being this cold
4.who am I today
5.wouldn't u like to know
6.wouldn't I like to know
7. I think I lost myself about 10 yrs ago
8.who does my mom think i am
9.why doesn't she understand I'm different
10.yet so much like her
11.i'm distant but close enough to touch
12.i'm still cold
13. i keep blowing into my hands
14.hey, has anyone ever found a mouse in a box of croutons?
15.i feel like my life is trudging on
16.im the strongest person I know
17.i hide a lot
18.peek a boo
19.can u find me....
20. who remembers where's waldo?
21. that issh was KRAZEEE
22.am I the only person who used to safety pin condoms to my cross colors?
23.Now dats Ole Skool
24.I think I may be emotionally challenged
25. I need a check for that
26.lol
27.what keeps me with him>
28.is it love?
29. he had a date on sunday....
30. of course I found out.
31. he lied to me again
32. he always lies to me
33.WHY?
34.I think it's a mandatory law for being a man
35.sorrrrrrrry MEN, but ya'll lie
36.ABOUT STUPID SHIT
37.and u ALWAYS GET CAUGHT
38. no more whining
39.the job is mad coooool!!!!!!!!!
40.the people are nice.
41.i dont miss vegas AT ALL
42.i'm trying not to run right now
43.no more chances
44.christmas is crazeeeeeeeee
45.no more santa
46.i haven't watched TMC in a long time
47.I do miss my lazy Sunday afternoons ... in MY BED
48.and the quietness of my HOME
49.im thinking of being single
50.no more mcdonalds
51.irresistable fries do it everytime!
52.I haven't been eating much lately
53.mary j blige really inspired this morning
54.she said we should be thankful all the time
55.NOT just xmas time.
56.I'm thankful to be alive
57.that's a whole nother' list
58.nare nother....
59.member that?
60.been pimpin since pimping been pimpin
61. i got a challenge for teej...
62.Who said this............
63."I don't give a fuck.
You tell her I'm at where I'm at
and I'll be where I be.
Motherfuckin' pimp.
If I gotta go where every ho
want me to be, I'd be confused"
64.Come on baby! U can do it...
65.Peace
2.it's cold as hell...
3. I don't remember cali being this cold
4.who am I today
5.wouldn't u like to know
6.wouldn't I like to know
7. I think I lost myself about 10 yrs ago
8.who does my mom think i am
9.why doesn't she understand I'm different
10.yet so much like her
11.i'm distant but close enough to touch
12.i'm still cold
13. i keep blowing into my hands
14.hey, has anyone ever found a mouse in a box of croutons?
15.i feel like my life is trudging on
16.im the strongest person I know
17.i hide a lot
18.peek a boo
19.can u find me....
20. who remembers where's waldo?
21. that issh was KRAZEEE
22.am I the only person who used to safety pin condoms to my cross colors?
23.Now dats Ole Skool
24.I think I may be emotionally challenged
25. I need a check for that
26.lol
27.what keeps me with him>
28.is it love?
29. he had a date on sunday....
30. of course I found out.
31. he lied to me again
32. he always lies to me
33.WHY?
34.I think it's a mandatory law for being a man
35.sorrrrrrrry MEN, but ya'll lie
36.ABOUT STUPID SHIT
37.and u ALWAYS GET CAUGHT
38. no more whining
39.the job is mad coooool!!!!!!!!!
40.the people are nice.
41.i dont miss vegas AT ALL
42.i'm trying not to run right now
43.no more chances
44.christmas is crazeeeeeeeee
45.no more santa
46.i haven't watched TMC in a long time
47.I do miss my lazy Sunday afternoons ... in MY BED
48.and the quietness of my HOME
49.im thinking of being single
50.no more mcdonalds
51.irresistable fries do it everytime!
52.I haven't been eating much lately
53.mary j blige really inspired this morning
54.she said we should be thankful all the time
55.NOT just xmas time.
56.I'm thankful to be alive
57.that's a whole nother' list
58.nare nother....
59.member that?
60.been pimpin since pimping been pimpin
61. i got a challenge for teej...
62.Who said this............
63."I don't give a fuck.
You tell her I'm at where I'm at
and I'll be where I be.
Motherfuckin' pimp.
If I gotta go where every ho
want me to be, I'd be confused"
64.Come on baby! U can do it...
65.Peace
December 15, 2005
Redemption unjustified. Tookie Williams. Executed!
First of all, this is in no way meant to condone nor excuse the actions of Tookie Williams. I'm not God, so there is no way to know if he was truly innocent or guilty of the crimes he was convicted on. I will say that it takes a brave soul to hold onto to their beliefs even it meana that it would ultimately end in their demise. This man KNEW w/o a formal apology or some sort of remorseful statement denouncing his diginity, thus admitting to CRIMES which he claimed innocence ... would end his life. To some extent, some may consider this foolish, but we all KNOW white folks need to feel like their important.. especially the powers that be! This was just as much a political statement as a moral one! There are several victims in this situation. A man was executed at the hands of our fellow man. I don't agree with that. I agree that there needs to be retribution & punishment. But aren't we sending the same message by murdering? I look back at the last 15 years of Tookies life and I feel THEY took away something great! Just last nite on the news there were reports showing an increase in gang related homicides. Tookie was an advocate of non violence. He was a man that these children could relate to. He was one of them .. or one of us I should say. I've grown up in a generation filled with murder and murderers. I sat next to these young men in elementarty school and watched them drop like bad apples from a tree as we grew into our teenage years. My very first crush.. murdered in cold blood. I can go on and on about the senseless killings of those I've known and those I didn't, but what is that going to change? What message did the state of California send by killing Tookie Williams? Should we revel in the theory of an EYE for an EYE. I read an article which contained a comment made by one of the victims step mothers.. she said, Justice was served... RIGHT! 26 years later and your son is STILL DEAD, THAT'S NOT JUSTICE!! If we're going to sentence one to death shouldn't that sentence be carried out immediately? Why did we allow this man to sit on death row for more than have of his life? I find that a cruel injustice. Although some may feel that he got what he deserved... 4 people were murdered! I know if someone murdered my son, my first reaction would be anger. That is a human reaction... I may even want to kill the person who did it... but what justice will it really serve? It wouldn't bring my son back... and it doesn't make me feel better.. it simply satisfies my instinctive need for blood... Aren't we as humans, supposed to be above that? I believe if Tookie did murder those people he was a different person then... a young man without any direction. Maybe prison provided him something he wasn't attaining on the streets. It grounded him and forced him to look into a mirror revealing a hideous reflection. I believe that he'd changed. It's been 26 years... over half of his life spent in prison. He didn't have to spend his time writing children's books.. he could've continued the gang life right there in prison. This is reality, nothing changes once you're in prison... except you can't leave... it's a society unknown to most.... but for those of us that have been there or have loved ones there... we know that NOTHING CHANGES. I believe Tookie started something real it's up to us to finish what he started. I plan to buy his books for my own son.... support the positive legacy he left behind.
Peace to the victims that were murdered and Peace to Tookie & his family.
Peace to the victims that were murdered and Peace to Tookie & his family.
December 09, 2005
It's OVER! ................Don't cry over spilled milk.
I have to write because it's my only outlet for my pain. I don't care who doesn't like what I have to say or how I say it. I've always been the outkast.. Never really fitting in any where I've been. I don't know why. I guess I'm a pretty girl. But I never knew what I had then and that pisses me off now! I'm not an angry person, but a lot about the world makes me angry. I hate to be alone. I feel like it's the end of the world. The man I LOVE; that I've put EVERYTHING in my life to the side for; Says he doesn't want me. I irritate and drain him. I'm too consuming. I had a conversation with my mom. She thinks I hate her. It's quite the opposite. When I was a little girl, before I knew real pain.. she was my hero. Didn't matter that I was mixed and she was white. She was my mom. I love her.I wish I could be more like her. I can't. That is sad too. I'm just Cherise. What you see it NOT necessarily who I am. Inside I am multi-tude of personalities. I want to be accepted, but I don't like being one of the crowd. I'm over emotional, but I tend to hide my feelings. I want closeness... intimacy, but I don't always give it. Most of the time I just go with the flow. I'm not really a risk taker, but when I look back at my life& the risks I've taken... I should have no fear. I LOVE to laugh... but lately all I do is cry. I grasp onto to these great ideas, but they slip away......... fast. I'm disappointed in the bad decisions I've made in my life and I have a hard time letting go. This is no one's fault but my own. I can be real stubborn and hard headed. I don't pity me nor the circumstances for which I'm in. I made decisions without really thinking clearly. I've been holding onto this image in my mind about what family should be or how life is supposed to be.. kinda like a great sitcom..Cosby or Family ties...Lavern & Shirley where you're always busy or occupied. Truth is.. there isn't much to life if u don't make it something! I think I'm learning and maturing, but I still have those defeating feelings of wanting to die. Then I think of my son. Lately I haven't been so great to him. He yearns to be how we used to be. I push him away, even resent him at times. Then I remember How I felt JUST LIKE HIM once upon a time. It's not fair to him. I didn't think clearly when I decided to bring him into the world. He didn't ask to be here. Neither did I. I have to keep breathing. As long as god blesses me with life it shouldn't matter that he told me it's over and I feel like a complete idiot. I should move on. But I don't know how ya'll. If someone can help me lift this cloud from over my head I'd appreciate it. I guess I can always write until I can't write anymore. I need confidence and self respect. I'm working on it. I am. I try everyday to understand who I am and where I am going. I focus on positive thoughts. But I still love him. More than anything. It's really stupid when I think about it. By the way, I started the book. The deeper my pain the more I write. I bought 2 notebooks and I haven't been able to stop writing. I will give little snipets here and there. Maybe I should go to GOD. Maybe that is WHY I'm in such despair. I need GOD or some form of spirituality. Well, the job is going Ok. I'm thankful I have one. I won't write for the rest of the weekend.. So I hope everyone who breezes thru my spot has a great 2 days off ( if you're off lol ) Pray for me and I will pray for you too... we could all use a little prayer during this holiday season.
Peace.
P.S. America's Top Model Sucks.. We all KNOW Bre was the ONE... * Shakes head at Tyra,..after Bre left Nik should've took that ... EASY.*
Peace.
P.S. America's Top Model Sucks.. We all KNOW Bre was the ONE... * Shakes head at Tyra,..after Bre left Nik should've took that ... EASY.*
December 02, 2005
Windy days blow in Great opportunity...
Happiness is a state of mind. Why are there so many rich people in the world so unhappy... I used to think that money was the end all, be all to a happy existence. I was so wrong. I'm not in the greatest of situations. But it could be worse. My relationship with my man has so many unanswered questions.. Yet he is still here for me. I hate living with my Mom, yet I could be on the street. When I look at my life in retrospect... I realize there are so many things that make me happy. I love the sunshine.... hot baths... long walks... the ocean... hot chocolate.. good food... being held... sleeping.... and most all just sitting back and watching life. Most of these don't cost a thing! I may not have a bottomless bank account or an iced out car, but I have a lot. Enough to sustain my well being. Btw... I got a job!! A good job making more than I was making in Vegas... with benefits and the potential for more. It's NOT in a Call Center which is definitely in the right direction!! No more screaming customers (lol lol)! This is the first job I've ever had a paid lunch... for an hour! LOL I'm very excited... and so looking forward to the opportunity. Just to let u guys know.. I truly appreciate all the support I get here... I go thru so much... and it's comforting to know that there are people out there in the world that actually CARE about what I'm going. Sometimes I don't recognize how lucky I am. My book is going to be about me.... or referring to my life.... the story of a mixed girl who grew up with many adventures to live to tell about. It should make interesting reading. I'm going to write it as fiction, but the basis will be on some actual events. I hope to be finished by summer.
December 01, 2005
The My life List....
1.life is good today
2.yesterday the sun shined bright
3.today the clouds are bullying the sun
4.i didn't know if i would be alright
5.i thought i would lose it when i lost the babies
6.i made it
7.then the lies were exposed
8.the cheating. the ex, the other women
9.still ok. i made it
10.i forgave him
11.now i need to forgive me
12.i can get used to this loving me thing
13.makes my life a whole lot better
14.im not affected by the negativity
15.someone hit my damm car
16.again im ok
17.when did i start numbering my lists
18.some more shit i got from teej
19.speaking of teej.. thats my boo
20.we had a blast together
21.it was like we've known each other our whole lives
22.funny how complete strangers can complete us
23.he's a real sweetie for the ladies that didnt know
24.came with the ole skook kiss on the cheek
25.how sweet
26.im going to be making my way there to chill with him and dee-dee
27.she's like a big sister to me
28.her and brea
29.except brea is my lil big sister
30.lmao
31.my hair is getting long again
32.i think i will let it grow really long
33.my son is adjusting well.
34.he likes being here in cali
35.i like being here
36.jobs are abundant
37.i will have one next week
38.im excited with an open mind
39.thinking positive makes a difference
40.i willed a cold away in 24 hrs
41.im thinking of joining jenny craig
42.im going to try to lose this last 30-40 lbs
43.that will weigh me in at 160-170
44.i think life is never ending learning experience
45.if u learn your lessons
46.u will be wiser for the next experience
47.which will only enhance your life
48.i think cheese and ice cream are 2 of the greatest things on earth
49.is that weird?
50.i've found my topic for my book
2.yesterday the sun shined bright
3.today the clouds are bullying the sun
4.i didn't know if i would be alright
5.i thought i would lose it when i lost the babies
6.i made it
7.then the lies were exposed
8.the cheating. the ex, the other women
9.still ok. i made it
10.i forgave him
11.now i need to forgive me
12.i can get used to this loving me thing
13.makes my life a whole lot better
14.im not affected by the negativity
15.someone hit my damm car
16.again im ok
17.when did i start numbering my lists
18.some more shit i got from teej
19.speaking of teej.. thats my boo
20.we had a blast together
21.it was like we've known each other our whole lives
22.funny how complete strangers can complete us
23.he's a real sweetie for the ladies that didnt know
24.came with the ole skook kiss on the cheek
25.how sweet
26.im going to be making my way there to chill with him and dee-dee
27.she's like a big sister to me
28.her and brea
29.except brea is my lil big sister
30.lmao
31.my hair is getting long again
32.i think i will let it grow really long
33.my son is adjusting well.
34.he likes being here in cali
35.i like being here
36.jobs are abundant
37.i will have one next week
38.im excited with an open mind
39.thinking positive makes a difference
40.i willed a cold away in 24 hrs
41.im thinking of joining jenny craig
42.im going to try to lose this last 30-40 lbs
43.that will weigh me in at 160-170
44.i think life is never ending learning experience
45.if u learn your lessons
46.u will be wiser for the next experience
47.which will only enhance your life
48.i think cheese and ice cream are 2 of the greatest things on earth
49.is that weird?
50.i've found my topic for my book
November 27, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving?
I Want to rant and rave right now because what the fuck do I have to be thankful for? LOL I lost my babies, my job and my dignity in a matter of 3 weeks. Even so after all that was said and done I still hightailed to Thanksgiving dinner with Aaron. A week later I'm ever so bitter. Still asking questions I don't want the answer to and still finding more info that I really don't wanna know. I don't believe in love right now. Love is merely a word used in a well versed poem/story... Like Happily Ever After .... or waiting on Prince Charming to come and rescue you from some make believe tower. WEll, I've let my hair down one too many times... Pretty soon I'm going to be bald if these Ogars keep climbing up.. Love is just a fantasy far from my own reality....LOL Maybe the only reason WHY I'm even entertaining the idea of continuing this relationship is because I don't want to be alone. That's a horrible reason I know, but at least I'm honest. Also, I feel like I've been thru so much with this man why should anyone else reap what I sowed. Again a selfish endeavor. No, it's none of these. I love him. When I look at him I love him... when I hear him speaking I love him,.. when he is kissing away my doubt I love him. But I hate him. And I feel weak for continuing to love him. Am I the only person who is this dumb. I should walk away for good. Leave him! Make him know how bad he's hurt me. This seems like a never-ending saga.. like a never-ending story.. Kinda like Lauryn Hill's Ex- Factor, " You let go and I'll let go too" He KNOWS he's hurt me, but am I being childish for making him suffer.. Yes I am. I'm really confused right now. I've been taking a lot of time with myself for the past few days. Just reflecting on where I want to be. How I want to live. My job search is going pretty well... I have a few offers, but before I commit I want to make sure I'm happy whereever I go. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Going thru all that I've been thru in the last 6 weeks has made me realize just how tough I am. I know how important it is to LOVE ME. I'm doing that.
November 22, 2005
The Day After. . .
Well, after the yelling came the crying.. Him and I.. Me asking Why and Him trying to explain what the hell was going on. I listened intently as he exposed his inner most pain... right there in the middle of the street. This man cried. He spoke of being angry for no apparent reason... how he didn't feel good about what he did. He thought that when he came back here we were over.. he never anticipated having anything with me... or missing me or needing me. I didn't know whether to believe him or blow it off as a bunch of bullshit. Why should I believe him? He's lied & cheated. Then I looked in the mirror. I've lied. I've had my own version of indescretions... is it in any way different? No. That doesn't EXCUSE him. I don't trust him. I love him. But there is no trust here. I laid awake most of the nite next to him and I just watched. I thought of all the horrible things I could do to HURT him. Then I cried again.. quietly to myself. He tried everything to make me feel better. I still felt numb... distant and BETRAYED. I kept imagining him with these women.. touching them and kissing them.. saying the sweet things he says to me or promising things he can never do. Then here comes my conscience kicking me in the ass. One year ago this month I was seeing Monte..the stripper I'd met. I'd no regard to Aaron's feelings and dismissed him as a loser... he'd hurt me so much that I was oblivious to his very existence. I treated him like shit. So maybe this was my karma. Then my heart speaks loudly above my conscience Cherise, you guys left all that behind, remember? You'd made a pact to start a new begining... there is NOT an excuse for this at all... walk away. My anger screams even louder.... HURT HIM.. POISON HIM... FUCK SOMEONE TOO! I decided to listen to my heart for now. I can't allow him close to my heart. I came home because of him. Now I must complete what I started. Find my soul here. Get my life on track to a happier existence. Take care of Cherise for a change. Love Cherise for a change. If I don't, I'm destined for doom. So, today.. the day after yesterday.. I'm hurt, but not angry... shocked, but not vengeful... Truth is this has again taught me a valuable lesson... it's made me become a better person. I'm trying this positive outlook...
Peace.
It hurts to be cheated on and lied to. It hurts to know that your man has laid down with someone other than you... worse it tears me up when I find out he is still contacting these women ... begging and pleading for their apology. I want to scream, but no one is here to listen. I will NEVER do these things to another human being. That is my word. This is my only outlet for my pain. I have nothing. cjt.
Peace.
It hurts to be cheated on and lied to. It hurts to know that your man has laid down with someone other than you... worse it tears me up when I find out he is still contacting these women ... begging and pleading for their apology. I want to scream, but no one is here to listen. I will NEVER do these things to another human being. That is my word. This is my only outlet for my pain. I have nothing. cjt.
November 21, 2005
Stabbed in the back... Twice...
Does anyone know how truly horrible it feels to have your "world" come crashing down as we know it? How about when we KNOW something is NOT right but we continue to hope that it will get better.. we hold on ... refusing to let go THINKING we can somehow change the outcome. My entire life has been one big refusal after another. I'd thought I'd met a man who'd changed my life. I'd rode the rollercoaster with him and traveled down all the loops and obstacles and here we were..TOGETHER. Truth is trust was never a part of this equation. Now imma keep this real for all my peeps out there that read my blogs. No sense in lying to myself anymore. I'm no angel. I've lied and cheated and done my share of deceiving. There are still things to this day that I refuse to admit (there's that word again) When Aaron left in May I was content with being without him. I'd already begun the dating process. A few weeks passed and I began to miss him. He'd called me and I was still being a bitch to him. AS time moved on I began to really examine my feelings for him. I took apart all of the hate and lies.. stripped away the guilt and confusion.. all that was left was LOVE. I loved him. So, with that being said I began my quest to have him again. When we started this relationship AGAIN I left the lies and the mistrust behind. I wanted to start fresh and it hasn't been easy. Lately, my intuition has been in overdrive. I'm a pretty detective, so last nite I started my investigation. Sometimes when we search for truth we don't really wanna find the truth. Well, not only has he been sleeping with a numerous amount of women..UNPROTECTED..BUT he's been pursuing the EX again. It's safe to say that I'm not OK. I'm not even mentally stable enough to get my thoughts across. It's been 3 weeks since I lost the babies... 2 weeks since I lost my job and 1 week since I packed up my life and moved back to CAli.. Yea he didn't ask me to... Yes I wanted to be closer to him... Maybe I deserve all of this. He did tell me in SEVERAL fits of rage he didn't want to be with me... but his actions always indicated otherwise. Maybe I should've let it go. When confronted about al lof this I was told this is my fault since he told me he never wanted to be with me. I forced all of this. I manipulated the situation with attempting suicide and getting pregnant. BUT he's been with me... he's looked me in the eyes and proclaimed his love for me. I don't get it. I'm here. I've cried. I can't change anything that has happened. I can't even tell u my next move. I want to be angry, but it's not there. I'm just devoid of any feeling. I haven't eaten. I can barely talk. I will never trust another man as long as I live.. he's changed my life forever. Why are we here on earth? I don't understand why there is so much pain and why I can't ever have a man that truly loves me.
Peace
Peace
November 13, 2005
Just Checking in...
Well, I made it to Cali.. safe & sound... Now, comes the time to go on the JOB SEARCH. Luckily, there are lots of prospects here... Wish me luck! I'm sooo NOT missing that job or anyone there! Fake ass bastards! lol I luv ya'll!
Peace.
Teej, where the hell are u?
Peace.
Teej, where the hell are u?
November 11, 2005
48 Questions.. Please follow suit people!
I may not be around for a minute... Sooooo I found this.. Try it and post the answers in my blog.. HAve a Great Weekend Everyone!
1} Last thing you burned while attempting to cook?
CHicken.. it was frozen & Willie was rushing me
2} Describe yourself in three "s" words:
Seductive, Sensual, Smart
3} How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
top long according to Aaron
4} Favorite place to blow $50?
Burlington
5} How many people have you thought were "the one"?
4
6} What is something that turns you off about your crush?
I have a man not a crush
7} What kind of car do you drive?
Ford Taurus
8} What's in your CD player/ipod right now?
Toni B.. Libra
9} What celebrity would you have coffee with
Tupac
10} What celebrity would you NOT have coffee with?
Elvis
11} What kind of toothpaste do you use?
Colgate whitening
12} What time do you go to bed?
When I fall asleep
13} Last movie you saw?
Saw ll
14} Last TV show you watched?
Eve
15} Who is your best friend?
Trechelle
16} Who in your family do you best get along with?
My cousin Rob
17} Who do you have a crush on?
Myself
18} What time is it right now?
12:20pm
19} Are you planning a vacation/travel?
I'm Going Going, Back Back to CAli Cali
20} When/Where was the last time you traveled?
LAst weekend. CAli
21} How many times have you been in love?
Ummm Don't know
22} How old will you be in 10 years?
39 still young and full of life
23} Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Who Knows. Writing books somewhere.. living on a lake
24} Sinful snacking weakness?
ice cream sundies with all the toppings
25} Rollercoasters?
Maybe 10 yrs ago.. I've developed FEAR since then
26} Ever run out of gas?
Once I think
27} Ever been on a train?
Yea
28} Ever been on a blind date?
Yes.Sigh.. it sucked
29} Ever been to Europe?
no
30} What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day?
See how many women I could poke with my pecker./ LOL
31} Would you tell anyone it was really you?
Nope
32} Ever been arrested?
Too many times. LOL
33} Have a crush on anyone you work with?
HAve u seen the people I worked with
34} What is something you believe in?
Ghosts
35} What is something you fear?
death
36} Big or smaller?
Bigger .. lol
37} What is the worst physical or emotional pain you have ever experienced?
Physical - When i had to get a blood transfusion... OMG all my veins were collasped and theu had to go in my wrist.. it hurt like hell
Emotionally- I'm still in my worst emotional pain. I lost my babies 13 days ago
38} What is your favorite television show?
America's next top model!
39} Ever photoshopped yourself to look better in a picture?
No. i'm already fine. LOL
40} Tell us something about your childhood.
I was a very lonely child always dreaming of stardom
41} What would it cost for you to flash the person next to you?
Not much. there is no one here
42} Best time to catch you in a good mood?
After a good nites rest
43} If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
Paris/Canada
44} Most prized possesion?
My son
45} Would you ever sell it/how much?
Depends.. Pretty woman? lol
46} What is one of your pet peeves?
Stupid people
47} Favorite kind of ice cream?
Anything with nuts
48} Coolest thing that happened today?
Joe called me and actually talked to me. He said he wasn't mad at me and wished me the best. I needed that.
1} Last thing you burned while attempting to cook?
CHicken.. it was frozen & Willie was rushing me
2} Describe yourself in three "s" words:
Seductive, Sensual, Smart
3} How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
top long according to Aaron
4} Favorite place to blow $50?
Burlington
5} How many people have you thought were "the one"?
4
6} What is something that turns you off about your crush?
I have a man not a crush
7} What kind of car do you drive?
Ford Taurus
8} What's in your CD player/ipod right now?
Toni B.. Libra
9} What celebrity would you have coffee with
Tupac
10} What celebrity would you NOT have coffee with?
Elvis
11} What kind of toothpaste do you use?
Colgate whitening
12} What time do you go to bed?
When I fall asleep
13} Last movie you saw?
Saw ll
14} Last TV show you watched?
Eve
15} Who is your best friend?
Trechelle
16} Who in your family do you best get along with?
My cousin Rob
17} Who do you have a crush on?
Myself
18} What time is it right now?
12:20pm
19} Are you planning a vacation/travel?
I'm Going Going, Back Back to CAli Cali
20} When/Where was the last time you traveled?
LAst weekend. CAli
21} How many times have you been in love?
Ummm Don't know
22} How old will you be in 10 years?
39 still young and full of life
23} Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Who Knows. Writing books somewhere.. living on a lake
24} Sinful snacking weakness?
ice cream sundies with all the toppings
25} Rollercoasters?
Maybe 10 yrs ago.. I've developed FEAR since then
26} Ever run out of gas?
Once I think
27} Ever been on a train?
Yea
28} Ever been on a blind date?
Yes.Sigh.. it sucked
29} Ever been to Europe?
no
30} What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day?
See how many women I could poke with my pecker./ LOL
31} Would you tell anyone it was really you?
Nope
32} Ever been arrested?
Too many times. LOL
33} Have a crush on anyone you work with?
HAve u seen the people I worked with
34} What is something you believe in?
Ghosts
35} What is something you fear?
death
36} Big or smaller?
Bigger .. lol
37} What is the worst physical or emotional pain you have ever experienced?
Physical - When i had to get a blood transfusion... OMG all my veins were collasped and theu had to go in my wrist.. it hurt like hell
Emotionally- I'm still in my worst emotional pain. I lost my babies 13 days ago
38} What is your favorite television show?
America's next top model!
39} Ever photoshopped yourself to look better in a picture?
No. i'm already fine. LOL
40} Tell us something about your childhood.
I was a very lonely child always dreaming of stardom
41} What would it cost for you to flash the person next to you?
Not much. there is no one here
42} Best time to catch you in a good mood?
After a good nites rest
43} If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
Paris/Canada
44} Most prized possesion?
My son
45} Would you ever sell it/how much?
Depends.. Pretty woman? lol
46} What is one of your pet peeves?
Stupid people
47} Favorite kind of ice cream?
Anything with nuts
48} Coolest thing that happened today?
Joe called me and actually talked to me. He said he wasn't mad at me and wished me the best. I needed that.
Good-Bye Las Vegas!
I came here running in 2001 and I'm leaving here running. I can't say that my experience here has been all unpleasant. I had some good times and met some great people. But, My time has run it's course. THey say everything in life comes full circle. Well, I think my circle has just closed. I'm going HOME. To start over..face demons...mend fences... and get my life back! I will Never forget my 4 yrs here in Vegas... and I will never forget the people whom have crossed my life good and bad. SO Good-bye Viva Las Vegas and Hello Killa Cali...
November 10, 2005
Fired. Damn. WHo knew? Who cares?
Well, ya heard it first, right here folks fired! The funny thing is I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So here's how the story goes... honest and true! LOL LAst week ya'll know I had a miscarriage. Well, I had to get a D&C to remove everything out of my uterus. That is similar to an abortion. They gave me a note for Tuesday & Wednesday. Due to the overwhemling emotional stress I was under I took off Thurday & Friday... not to mention I was bleeding like crazy ( sorry for the graphic details) I just felt I needed sometime to HEAL. Well, I needed a Dr's note for Thurs/Fri. So I hightailed it to the Dr on Friday. Now, this was just my PCP (primary care physician) NOT my OB. You have to get a referral to see the OB. So I explained to the DR that I was bleeding heavily and I needed to get something to slow it down and something stronger for the pain I was having. SO he gives me the run around saying he has to refer me. I explained I'd had a D&C earlier that week. SO he says I will see you after 2pm. It was 1pm people! I'd been there since noon. I was pissed. What was the point in him seeing me if he couldn't ACTUALLY HELP ME? I told him look I just need a note for work. I will wait until I get back to Vegas and see my OB. Then the DR writes this bogus ass letter talking about how I was there, but didn't wanna wait. I surely couldn't turn that in. So ya'll know I had to obtain another letter... LMAO And I did! Went back to work Monday and turned it in. No problem, right? Wrong! See I have no more vacation or sick time due to the fact they changed our policy in sept and took away our PTO ( paid time off) which we accrued every check ... about 6hrs. I would have had plenty of time. I needed next Monday off because I do have a check up that is mandatory... then I got a call Tuesday,for a job in Cali... Making a lot more money than I make now. I get into work yesterday and called the recruiter back. We chatted for about 30 minutes and I emailed her a fresh copy of my updated Resume. All this was done on my company phone. I should've figured something fishy was going on b/c one of the sups was actin funny. They were listening in on my call. Ain't that a bitch! LOL (still laughin @ Teej, "Who does that at work") The day continues on and then my manager comes over and says the site director would like to see me..I asked should I take my purse b/c if I'm fired I need my purse( no one ever goes to the Site director unless their FIRED)... LMAO LMAO ... I get up and walk down to the white bastards office. Now, before I get into the real funny ish.. let me remind everyone that I have been harrassed/sexually... mentally... While I have worked my ass off for this company and never called in once until last month. I have reported such incidents to no avail and NOTHING has been done.. EVER! So, I'm not walking in with the greatest attitude. I get in there. Right before I could sit down the director starts talking crazy to me... I see the note on his desk.. and I'm laughing in my head. HE says, 'DO u want to explain this note?'.... I look at it and say NO.. it's a Dr's note. He says, ' I know different'.. I say Ok... (still laughing in my head) .. Then he accuses me of writing it.. Come on!! I used to be a full time criminal.. I would NEVER write my own Dr's Note.. they have my handwriting all over the place in the office. I tell him I did not write it. Then he goes into the we have to let u goSPEECH.. "This is a terminating offense, he begins'... I interupt & say I will do u one better, I quit!!...I got up and slammed the door open.. I proceeded to walk to my desk BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT PACKING UP MY SHIT! He's chasing me down the walkway. I'm going off.. cussing.. yelling and I tell him if you touch me I will F*ck you up and then SUE YOU! He was scared. His Face beet red! So he did what ALL WHITE PEOPLE DO IN THE MIDST OF A CRISIS.. He called the police... HA HA HA! Like I'm scared. I'm still cussing. I'm saying very loudly "YOU need to investigate all these sexual harrassers in here!" I called him , the manager and anyone else over there by my desk all kinds of bitches! IT was pure comedy. I was pretty upset. You know it would have been ok if they had written me up for doing the phone interview on company time... it was even ok that they called the Dr's office and got the REAL NOTE...I take full responsibility for what I did. But when they have had other's on my team clearly bringing in false documents ... stealing & harrassing employees and they just LOOK AWAY .. Yea Right! I wasn't going out like that... Especially since the first time I do anything remotely wrong, I'm fired!?They knew I was leaving next month. And then they tried to be shady with my vacation time. I challenged it a day earlier... I made it known that I didn't care for the place. That is why I was so pissed!! I couldn't believe it! Then he was talking to me like a slave... F*ck that! I made a point and I hope they took notes on how NOT to fire a Black Woman!! :P
BTW I have 2 job interviews next week in Cali... both MAKE a lot more money than I do now and they look promising...so I'm ok people .. Really I am. I feel much better. That place had a level of unprofessionalism that I'd NEVER experienced before and I'm glad to be done with it!!
BTW I have 2 job interviews next week in Cali... both MAKE a lot more money than I do now and they look promising...so I'm ok people .. Really I am. I feel much better. That place had a level of unprofessionalism that I'd NEVER experienced before and I'm glad to be done with it!!
November 07, 2005
Some ish I stole from Dee-Dee
This was just too too cute and it made me think, which is ALWAYS good.
10 Favorites:
Favorite Season: Winter
Favorite Sport: Basketball!
Favorite Thing to do: Go to the beach
Favorite Month: December it's the the begining to the end.
Favorite Actor : Chris Tucker
Favorite Actress: Gabrielle Union
Favorite Ice Cream: Ohh Anything chocolate w/nuts (hehe)
Favorite Drink: Cold Water
Favorite Place: My Bed.
Favorite Song: "Why Have I lost You" By Cameo ( ole Skool )
9 Currents:
Current Feelings: Anxious/Lonely
Current hairstyle: Tight ass scalp braids
Current Windows Open: Closed
Current Drink: Water
CoffeeCurrent Time: 7:45 pm (pst)
Current Mobile(s) Used : Sprint PCS
Current Show on TV: The Simpsons
Current Thought: I wish I would've just stayed in Cali
Current Clothes: Blue Nightgown w/eyore.. purple pajama pantsw stars.. pink slippers
8 Firsts:
First Nickname: Reese's Pieces
First Kiss: Damn I think Terrell Oliver, but I can't remember that far
First Crush: Ernest Holly (2nd grade)
First Computer: Atari (does that count) or maybe it was something else
First Job: Front desk clerk at the YMCA
First Movie I watched: Now that could be anything, but ET stands out. I was 6.
First Pet: A Dog named Keylo
First Shave: Had to be 12... my legs ( i was so grown)
7 Lasts:
Last Chai: WTF is that?
Last Movie: Saw ll (it sucked)
Last Time I Drove: Today from work
Last Time Shaved: I have a good excuse.. It's cold.. So that means like 2 wks
Last Web Site Visited: Blackplanet.com
Last Software Installed: none lately
Last Pill I Had: vitamin/magnesium this morning
6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Ummm I used to be a career criminal
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Yes
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: Lots of 'em!!
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yea
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast?: DUH!I'm from Compton.. HELLO!
Have You Ever Broken Anyones Heart: I'm sure I have,but not intentionally.
5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: the TV, the clock ticking, cars driving down the street,my heavy ass breathing, my thoughts
Things on Your Computer Table: printer, paper, cell phone,speakers,cds & pencil holder
Things You Ate Today: yogurt,2 low fat granola bars, a cup of noodles and spagetti/cornbread/ (this was the entire day its bed time)
Things in Mind: death, aaron, having babies, seeing Teej; Should I just quit this job?
Things you want to say to him/her: I love you.... Could we have done things different?... Why are you always on my mind?
Do u miss me too sometimes/ HAve you thought of me at all during the last 12 yrs
Places You Have Been Today:
* My son's school
* Work
* home
* the bathroom
* my managers office
3 People You Can Tell Anything To:
Trechelle, My Grandma, God & Myself(sorry do I count as 4)
2 Choices: *Black or White: Black * Hot or Cold: Cold
1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die: LIVE.
10 Favorites:
Favorite Season: Winter
Favorite Sport: Basketball!
Favorite Thing to do: Go to the beach
Favorite Month: December it's the the begining to the end.
Favorite Actor : Chris Tucker
Favorite Actress: Gabrielle Union
Favorite Ice Cream: Ohh Anything chocolate w/nuts (hehe)
Favorite Drink: Cold Water
Favorite Place: My Bed.
Favorite Song: "Why Have I lost You" By Cameo ( ole Skool )
9 Currents:
Current Feelings: Anxious/Lonely
Current hairstyle: Tight ass scalp braids
Current Windows Open: Closed
Current Drink: Water
CoffeeCurrent Time: 7:45 pm (pst)
Current Mobile(s) Used : Sprint PCS
Current Show on TV: The Simpsons
Current Thought: I wish I would've just stayed in Cali
Current Clothes: Blue Nightgown w/eyore.. purple pajama pantsw stars.. pink slippers
8 Firsts:
First Nickname: Reese's Pieces
First Kiss: Damn I think Terrell Oliver, but I can't remember that far
First Crush: Ernest Holly (2nd grade)
First Computer: Atari (does that count) or maybe it was something else
First Job: Front desk clerk at the YMCA
First Movie I watched: Now that could be anything, but ET stands out. I was 6.
First Pet: A Dog named Keylo
First Shave: Had to be 12... my legs ( i was so grown)
7 Lasts:
Last Chai: WTF is that?
Last Movie: Saw ll (it sucked)
Last Time I Drove: Today from work
Last Time Shaved: I have a good excuse.. It's cold.. So that means like 2 wks
Last Web Site Visited: Blackplanet.com
Last Software Installed: none lately
Last Pill I Had: vitamin/magnesium this morning
6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Ummm I used to be a career criminal
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Yes
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: Lots of 'em!!
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yea
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast?: DUH!I'm from Compton.. HELLO!
Have You Ever Broken Anyones Heart: I'm sure I have,but not intentionally.
5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: the TV, the clock ticking, cars driving down the street,my heavy ass breathing, my thoughts
Things on Your Computer Table: printer, paper, cell phone,speakers,cds & pencil holder
Things You Ate Today: yogurt,2 low fat granola bars, a cup of noodles and spagetti/cornbread/ (this was the entire day its bed time)
Things in Mind: death, aaron, having babies, seeing Teej; Should I just quit this job?
Things you want to say to him/her: I love you.... Could we have done things different?... Why are you always on my mind?
Do u miss me too sometimes/ HAve you thought of me at all during the last 12 yrs
Places You Have Been Today:
* My son's school
* Work
* home
* the bathroom
* my managers office
3 People You Can Tell Anything To:
Trechelle, My Grandma, God & Myself(sorry do I count as 4)
2 Choices: *Black or White: Black * Hot or Cold: Cold
1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die: LIVE.
Misery Loves Company.
I have been thinking about this particular blog for quite sometime.. a few days actually. It's really easy to be negative. When I look at my own life I realize how selfish I am. There are so many people that worse off than myself. I know I've been thru some horrific situations as of late, but I'm choosing to go a different route this time around. Yes, I am sad ...Deeply. Yes, I am hurt and even a little depressed, but I've decided that those feelings cannot dominate my life nor who I am.
I'm thankful that I am alive today. I have a son. Maybe I will never have anymore children. I have Aaron, whom is wonderful. I have a special talent with words. I plan to pursue this. I have some wonderful friends across this country.... That is a lot more important than the negativity reflected at this job and the gossip mongers who have nothing more to do...So today, I am taking time to thank those who love me... Just for me.
Aaron... What can I say that really describes all I feel for you. We've been thru so much together and here we are. I truly believe u are IT for me. You're My umbrella in the rain... my shade in sun. I love loving you... and I appreciate all you do! You're my best friend in every shape of the words... thru all of our tears.. laughter... pain and triumph it's always just me and you. Forever.
MarQuin... My Son.. Whom I love more than words can express. Sometimes I'm mean to you or hard on you. It's only because I'm scared for you. I know what's out there and I want to protect you, but I also know that you are MY CHILD... with that comes a deep knowledge of COMMON SENSE. All I can do is love you and guide you.
Nakia... You're such a good person. You always help me see the REAL PICTURE. I love you. And I'm glad that you're my friend.
Dee- Dee .... Girl, You're a blessing in disguise. Full of knowledge and compassion. When I think of you... I think of an Intelligent, Stylish... Sophistacated Black Carrie Bradshaw.. LOL J/K. You're the whole package!! You're knight and shining armor is out there... he's just lost... it's a big world! I love you girl. Thanks for the great advice and just being you....
Mr Teej... My sweet baby boy.... What can I say? It's because of you that I even have this blog. You introduced me to this therapeutic paradise. You're one of the most honest, caring men I've ever met!! Thank you for the late nite talks ((smile)) and the constant laughter that you provide in my life. You're such a special friend!!!
Willie... You are very special to me because we are so much alike in so many ways. I want u to know even though we have our moments... I still love you like a lil brother and I WILL always be here if you need me.
Trechelle... For a long time it was you and I against the world. We've been there thru each other's worst tragedies. I love u like a sister and to me you are MY SISTER. I wish you the best in life and although I don't always agree with your life choices I have your back.. No Matter what!
Saraan.. You've been with me since the begining and you're still here. You've watched me grow from a little girl into a grown woman holding down my own. I thank you for remaining one of my oldest, truest friends. We're family for life!
I had to come back and add someone... Last BUT not least....
Jo-Joe... Wow. So much to summarize in 4 yrs of knowing you. I love you like noother. We will forever be joined b/c we are one in the same, we understand each other. You know secrets that no one else knows. Although our friendship has gone thru loops of fire.. we're still here. I understand NOW why u had to walk away. It was your only option. I appreciate you for that. It allowed me to evaluate myself and learn to love me. I'm grateful for all the memories we've made and hopefully... somewhere down the road... You and I will be Reese & Joe again. Good-bye.. I will miss you when I leave, but I'm not worried.. You know how to find me.
And to all my blog buddies... Brea, Princess.. Anonymous.. Stac & Everyone else... I love ya'll too. Your prayers... words.. advice and presence in my life has enriched my soul. Thank you.
Reese
I'm thankful that I am alive today. I have a son. Maybe I will never have anymore children. I have Aaron, whom is wonderful. I have a special talent with words. I plan to pursue this. I have some wonderful friends across this country.... That is a lot more important than the negativity reflected at this job and the gossip mongers who have nothing more to do...So today, I am taking time to thank those who love me... Just for me.
Aaron... What can I say that really describes all I feel for you. We've been thru so much together and here we are. I truly believe u are IT for me. You're My umbrella in the rain... my shade in sun. I love loving you... and I appreciate all you do! You're my best friend in every shape of the words... thru all of our tears.. laughter... pain and triumph it's always just me and you. Forever.
MarQuin... My Son.. Whom I love more than words can express. Sometimes I'm mean to you or hard on you. It's only because I'm scared for you. I know what's out there and I want to protect you, but I also know that you are MY CHILD... with that comes a deep knowledge of COMMON SENSE. All I can do is love you and guide you.
Nakia... You're such a good person. You always help me see the REAL PICTURE. I love you. And I'm glad that you're my friend.
Dee- Dee .... Girl, You're a blessing in disguise. Full of knowledge and compassion. When I think of you... I think of an Intelligent, Stylish... Sophistacated Black Carrie Bradshaw.. LOL J/K. You're the whole package!! You're knight and shining armor is out there... he's just lost... it's a big world! I love you girl. Thanks for the great advice and just being you....
Mr Teej... My sweet baby boy.... What can I say? It's because of you that I even have this blog. You introduced me to this therapeutic paradise. You're one of the most honest, caring men I've ever met!! Thank you for the late nite talks ((smile)) and the constant laughter that you provide in my life. You're such a special friend!!!
Willie... You are very special to me because we are so much alike in so many ways. I want u to know even though we have our moments... I still love you like a lil brother and I WILL always be here if you need me.
Trechelle... For a long time it was you and I against the world. We've been there thru each other's worst tragedies. I love u like a sister and to me you are MY SISTER. I wish you the best in life and although I don't always agree with your life choices I have your back.. No Matter what!
Saraan.. You've been with me since the begining and you're still here. You've watched me grow from a little girl into a grown woman holding down my own. I thank you for remaining one of my oldest, truest friends. We're family for life!
I had to come back and add someone... Last BUT not least....
Jo-Joe... Wow. So much to summarize in 4 yrs of knowing you. I love you like noother. We will forever be joined b/c we are one in the same, we understand each other. You know secrets that no one else knows. Although our friendship has gone thru loops of fire.. we're still here. I understand NOW why u had to walk away. It was your only option. I appreciate you for that. It allowed me to evaluate myself and learn to love me. I'm grateful for all the memories we've made and hopefully... somewhere down the road... You and I will be Reese & Joe again. Good-bye.. I will miss you when I leave, but I'm not worried.. You know how to find me.
And to all my blog buddies... Brea, Princess.. Anonymous.. Stac & Everyone else... I love ya'll too. Your prayers... words.. advice and presence in my life has enriched my soul. Thank you.
Reese
October 31, 2005
Sunny days turned to Stormy Nights...
I had to write this before I left. Before any other thoughts came to my mind. Before I become even more lost within my grief. It all started out so beautiful.
He surprised with flowers on Friday. I wasn't expecting him until later on that evening. Then I got a call that I had a visitor.. In my mind, I'm thinkin' "Must be the food guy.. bout time.." So, I get up to make the journey to the front of my office and there he stood. Pure beauty ... standing there smiling with a basket full of my favorite flowers. I knew at that momemt one day I would be his wife. I greeted him and he walked me back to my desk. We chatted for a few and we'd promised to meet later for dinner. That was the begining of a lovely weekend. It seemed like we did everything.... Movies, Pic-Nics in the park.. cuddling.. just loving each other. I swear it felt surreal. So it was only fitting when it was time for him to go last nite that tears fell, more than usual. I laid quietly in my bed surrounded by darkness and cried myself to sleep.
This morning I was awakened by a dull pain in my lower abdomen. It lingered most of the weekend yet I ignored it. I'd been checked on Thursday and was assured that everything was OK. I proceeded to go to work, but the pain was sharper ... worse even. About 25 minutes into my shift I headed to the ER. I was scared. Alone. Prepared for the worst. When I arrived they immediately attended to me. My blood was taken. I was rushed to Ultra Sound/ Cat scan. Then came the news. My placenta had ruptured and there was nothing They could do. I would need to get a D&C to remove the rest of the Contents as the PA put it. I felt so violated. WHY? There was no one I could call. I was embarrassed. Heart Broken and ALONE. I laid there and cried. I cried like I've never cried before. Clutching my belly as if someone had stolen something from inside of me. My head throbbed. 20 minutes later it was over. I laid there empty. I knew the risks from the begining. I knew my history. But this time I'd thought I'd had a chance. Instead, God played a cruel joke on my heart.
My Babies.....
My heart.
My soul...
He surprised with flowers on Friday. I wasn't expecting him until later on that evening. Then I got a call that I had a visitor.. In my mind, I'm thinkin' "Must be the food guy.. bout time.." So, I get up to make the journey to the front of my office and there he stood. Pure beauty ... standing there smiling with a basket full of my favorite flowers. I knew at that momemt one day I would be his wife. I greeted him and he walked me back to my desk. We chatted for a few and we'd promised to meet later for dinner. That was the begining of a lovely weekend. It seemed like we did everything.... Movies, Pic-Nics in the park.. cuddling.. just loving each other. I swear it felt surreal. So it was only fitting when it was time for him to go last nite that tears fell, more than usual. I laid quietly in my bed surrounded by darkness and cried myself to sleep.
This morning I was awakened by a dull pain in my lower abdomen. It lingered most of the weekend yet I ignored it. I'd been checked on Thursday and was assured that everything was OK. I proceeded to go to work, but the pain was sharper ... worse even. About 25 minutes into my shift I headed to the ER. I was scared. Alone. Prepared for the worst. When I arrived they immediately attended to me. My blood was taken. I was rushed to Ultra Sound/ Cat scan. Then came the news. My placenta had ruptured and there was nothing They could do. I would need to get a D&C to remove the rest of the Contents as the PA put it. I felt so violated. WHY? There was no one I could call. I was embarrassed. Heart Broken and ALONE. I laid there and cried. I cried like I've never cried before. Clutching my belly as if someone had stolen something from inside of me. My head throbbed. 20 minutes later it was over. I laid there empty. I knew the risks from the begining. I knew my history. But this time I'd thought I'd had a chance. Instead, God played a cruel joke on my heart.
My Babies.....
My heart.
My soul...
October 27, 2005
Ain't no half stepping list
Have you ever seen really horrible pictures of yourself and wanted to run?
I did today!Oh! You couldn't imagine. ME, the queen of the camera looking like a fat cow. LOL I hate the color Creme/White.. ect ect. They are the culprits that make you look a ton bigger! Then the angles the guy took the pics in were horrible. Well at least they are purchase only pics. I won't have to worry about being kept in some dusty photo album... So here are some random things on my mind.. A list.. LOL LOL
Haha Enjoy!
I didn't sleep much last nite
Down @ 10 back up @ 2am
Where's Teej when u need him
He was probably up
I should've called him
TOo bad no more Joe...
He used to talk to me in the middle of the nite
Nothing is better today
Well, My mood is
But not my friendship
I'm trying to practice what I preach
It's difficult to do...
That is why there are SO MANY "kurupt" preachers
I really don't believe in religion
everyone I KNOW that is a supposed Christian AIN'T
LOL LOL LOL Still LMAO
How can u be a part of something that denounces what you are?
Somebody help me out on this one?
In Vegas there are a lot of gay christians
Nothing against being gay, but Being a christian is a total contridiction
Don't you think?
Am I just being a bitch?
No.. well, Sometimes!
I know I hold grudges..
I'm really hurt
Why would he think I would say that about him
Considering the source
I fucking DESPISE this job
Damn I miss Aaron
Especially when it gets dark
Or when I eat...
who likes to eat alone?
I had a good time with him on Sunday
We laugh a lot now.
More than we used to
He's changed.
I'm having those dreams again.
The ones with my old house I grew up in
What can they mean?
Maybe I will get my Palm Read.
Hey Dee- Dee!
I need to get your number
Hey Princess!
I need yours too!
I have yours already Teej :)
I love to write
I'm thinking of a plot for a book
It may reflect upon my blogs
U think that would make for interesting reading?
Ummm Hmmmmmm
Sometimes I'm so beautiful
I hate ignorant ass hoes
Sorry for the Curse words
Trying to work on that.
I'm nervous about these babies.
Imagine 2 little girls
My hair... OMG!
My attitude... OmG!
His eyes... WOW
His skin complexion... Pure Beauty!
Our Intelligence.. They ain't ready!
IF they get here safely...
I will be blessed
I will name them Aubrey & Amaya...
Anyway, I'm going to chill out this weekend
Aaron will be here tomorrow.
Marquin is in Ohio with my mom..
That boy travels more than me
Smile
He is truly MY CHILD
I worry about him so much
BUt I need to remember.. HE is part of me
I've always been OK.
Most of the time.
He's still my baby
He told me, Momma I want a baby sister.
Bet he didn't count on 2...
I'm doing good on saving money
The Bank Acct helped.
Thanks for all the prayers.
They work
PEace out.
I did today!Oh! You couldn't imagine. ME, the queen of the camera looking like a fat cow. LOL I hate the color Creme/White.. ect ect. They are the culprits that make you look a ton bigger! Then the angles the guy took the pics in were horrible. Well at least they are purchase only pics. I won't have to worry about being kept in some dusty photo album... So here are some random things on my mind.. A list.. LOL LOL
Haha Enjoy!
I didn't sleep much last nite
Down @ 10 back up @ 2am
Where's Teej when u need him
He was probably up
I should've called him
TOo bad no more Joe...
He used to talk to me in the middle of the nite
Nothing is better today
Well, My mood is
But not my friendship
I'm trying to practice what I preach
It's difficult to do...
That is why there are SO MANY "kurupt" preachers
I really don't believe in religion
everyone I KNOW that is a supposed Christian AIN'T
LOL LOL LOL Still LMAO
How can u be a part of something that denounces what you are?
Somebody help me out on this one?
In Vegas there are a lot of gay christians
Nothing against being gay, but Being a christian is a total contridiction
Don't you think?
Am I just being a bitch?
No.. well, Sometimes!
I know I hold grudges..
I'm really hurt
Why would he think I would say that about him
Considering the source
I fucking DESPISE this job
Damn I miss Aaron
Especially when it gets dark
Or when I eat...
who likes to eat alone?
I had a good time with him on Sunday
We laugh a lot now.
More than we used to
He's changed.
I'm having those dreams again.
The ones with my old house I grew up in
What can they mean?
Maybe I will get my Palm Read.
Hey Dee- Dee!
I need to get your number
Hey Princess!
I need yours too!
I have yours already Teej :)
I love to write
I'm thinking of a plot for a book
It may reflect upon my blogs
U think that would make for interesting reading?
Ummm Hmmmmmm
Sometimes I'm so beautiful
I hate ignorant ass hoes
Sorry for the Curse words
Trying to work on that.
I'm nervous about these babies.
Imagine 2 little girls
My hair... OMG!
My attitude... OmG!
His eyes... WOW
His skin complexion... Pure Beauty!
Our Intelligence.. They ain't ready!
IF they get here safely...
I will be blessed
I will name them Aubrey & Amaya...
Anyway, I'm going to chill out this weekend
Aaron will be here tomorrow.
Marquin is in Ohio with my mom..
That boy travels more than me
Smile
He is truly MY CHILD
I worry about him so much
BUt I need to remember.. HE is part of me
I've always been OK.
Most of the time.
He's still my baby
He told me, Momma I want a baby sister.
Bet he didn't count on 2...
I'm doing good on saving money
The Bank Acct helped.
Thanks for all the prayers.
They work
PEace out.
October 26, 2005
The Evolution of Gossip!
It never ceases to amaze me how immature BLACK PEOPLE CAN REALLY BE. You don't see the white people arguing and cussing. The Asian people are usually quiet amongst themselves. So why is it that OUR people have to show their ass in the workplace. Today was a relatively QUIET day. I'm ALWAYS like that when I come back from LA because I miss my man sooo much. I stayed alone most of the day. Even eating lunch alone. This morning when I came in I was IM'd by a co-worker in another dept. She was asking a 1000 questions about why I'm homesick... Why did they give me a 3d ultra sound and this type of test. Just talking a bunch of bullshit I don't wanna hear. I made a statement. It went like this :
soul_revealin_eyes69: yea
soul_revealin_eyes69: well, i am ready to leave like yesterday
soul_revealin_eyes69: everytime i come back here my head hurts
soul_revealin_eyes69: or my stomach hurts.
soul_revealin_eyes69: i know its probably psychological
soul_revealin_eyes69: but ...
soul_revealin_eyes69: i still hate it here now
fat_c01: u only have a few months
fat_c01: just take it day by day
fat_c01: and take care of yourself if you really want to have this baby
soul_revealin_eyes69: THERE R 2 BABIES
soul_revealin_eyes69: i had the ultra sound twicw
fat_c01: I say that because if you keep stressing out and doing things that your not suppose to be doing you not going to have it
fat_c01: twins
And so the conversation veered off into the Anniversary Party that went down on Saturday. I was hosting this event, but I ended up doing a lot more than hosting. Cooking, Cleaning.. ect ect. I was so exhausted. Too tired for words> then I turned around on Sunday and drove to Cali. A few hours pass. Then I get a visit from Willie. Whom I happen to live with now. He comes angrily asking "Did u tell someone that you don't like living at my house?" First, I'm thinking are u fucking kidding me? U have to be. Right. I could have sworn the building says Mpower not Mpower High? I lost it. I've had it with this shit. Really I have. So several curse words later.. I'm sitting here at my computer.. Wondering? IS it worth it or should I just go home. Where I belong.
soul_revealin_eyes69: yea
soul_revealin_eyes69: well, i am ready to leave like yesterday
soul_revealin_eyes69: everytime i come back here my head hurts
soul_revealin_eyes69: or my stomach hurts.
soul_revealin_eyes69: i know its probably psychological
soul_revealin_eyes69: but ...
soul_revealin_eyes69: i still hate it here now
fat_c01: u only have a few months
fat_c01: just take it day by day
fat_c01: and take care of yourself if you really want to have this baby
soul_revealin_eyes69: THERE R 2 BABIES
soul_revealin_eyes69: i had the ultra sound twicw
fat_c01: I say that because if you keep stressing out and doing things that your not suppose to be doing you not going to have it
fat_c01: twins
And so the conversation veered off into the Anniversary Party that went down on Saturday. I was hosting this event, but I ended up doing a lot more than hosting. Cooking, Cleaning.. ect ect. I was so exhausted. Too tired for words> then I turned around on Sunday and drove to Cali. A few hours pass. Then I get a visit from Willie. Whom I happen to live with now. He comes angrily asking "Did u tell someone that you don't like living at my house?" First, I'm thinking are u fucking kidding me? U have to be. Right. I could have sworn the building says Mpower not Mpower High? I lost it. I've had it with this shit. Really I have. So several curse words later.. I'm sitting here at my computer.. Wondering? IS it worth it or should I just go home. Where I belong.
October 25, 2005
Rising Tides.. rushin water
I feel like I'm drowning, yet I'm not under water. He thinks I'm this negative, unhappy, evil person. Am I? I laugh when appropriate.. I help out friends and family... I try to give my son the best I can at all times. I'm far from perfect. But I do give my all. Or do I? There are times when the tide rises and I feel overwhelmed. I can't get up outta bed because I am just too sad. Held down by these crashing waves. I lay next to the love of my life only to be awakened by terrorizing nightmares and internet escapades. Why are You up @ 1am chatting with strangers? Why are YOU retrieving telephones numbers from women whom you've never met? I don't understand. Then the sadness kicks in. I don't eat. This burning pain called insecurity starts to hamper away in the pit of my soul. I'm hopeless I guess. Too trusting yet not trusting enough. I can't let go of my intuition. But I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He loves me when I'm near. Kisses my doubt away with his charm and strength. My hope rests in the life of my son... and the lives of these precious unborn children. I love them. I love him. I wanted to turn around today while driving home to Vegas. I wanted to run back to him and promise him a lifetime of happiness. Unfortunately, life doesn't always equate happiness. Sometimes the tides rush in too fast.. destroying everything you've built. Then you must decide if u want to move to higher ground for the sake of feeling SECURE.. .or rebuild and relish in the earth's beauty... no matter how angry she may become at times.
You decide.
You decide.
October 18, 2005
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