It's OVER! ................Don't cry over spilled milk.

I have to write because it's my only outlet for my pain. I don't care who doesn't like what I have to say or how I say it. I've always been the outkast.. Never really fitting in any where I've been. I don't know why. I guess I'm a pretty girl. But I never knew what I had then and that pisses me off now! I'm not an angry person, but a lot about the world makes me angry. I hate to be alone. I feel like it's the end of the world. The man I LOVE; that I've put EVERYTHING in my life to the side for; Says he doesn't want me. I irritate and drain him. I'm too consuming. I had a conversation with my mom. She thinks I hate her. It's quite the opposite. When I was a little girl, before I knew real pain.. she was my hero. Didn't matter that I was mixed and she was white. She was my mom. I love her.I wish I could be more like her. I can't. That is sad too. I'm just Cherise. What you see it NOT necessarily who I am. Inside I am multi-tude of personalities. I want to be accepted, but I don't like being one of the crowd. I'm over emotional, but I tend to hide my feelings. I want closeness... intimacy, but I don't always give it. Most of the time I just go with the flow. I'm not really a risk taker, but when I look back at my life& the risks I've taken... I should have no fear. I LOVE to laugh... but lately all I do is cry. I grasp onto to these great ideas, but they slip away......... fast. I'm disappointed in the bad decisions I've made in my life and I have a hard time letting go. This is no one's fault but my own. I can be real stubborn and hard headed. I don't pity me nor the circumstances for which I'm in. I made decisions without really thinking clearly. I've been holding onto this image in my mind about what family should be or how life is supposed to be.. kinda like a great sitcom..Cosby or Family ties...Lavern & Shirley where you're always busy or occupied. Truth is.. there isn't much to life if u don't make it something! I think I'm learning and maturing, but I still have those defeating feelings of wanting to die. Then I think of my son. Lately I haven't been so great to him. He yearns to be how we used to be. I push him away, even resent him at times. Then I remember How I felt JUST LIKE HIM once upon a time. It's not fair to him. I didn't think clearly when I decided to bring him into the world. He didn't ask to be here. Neither did I. I have to keep breathing. As long as god blesses me with life it shouldn't matter that he told me it's over and I feel like a complete idiot. I should move on. But I don't know how ya'll. If someone can help me lift this cloud from over my head I'd appreciate it. I guess I can always write until I can't write anymore. I need confidence and self respect. I'm working on it. I am. I try everyday to understand who I am and where I am going. I focus on positive thoughts. But I still love him. More than anything. It's really stupid when I think about it. By the way, I started the book. The deeper my pain the more I write. I bought 2 notebooks and I haven't been able to stop writing. I will give little snipets here and there. Maybe I should go to GOD. Maybe that is WHY I'm in such despair. I need GOD or some form of spirituality. Well, the job is going Ok. I'm thankful I have one. I won't write for the rest of the weekend.. So I hope everyone who breezes thru my spot has a great 2 days off ( if you're off lol ) Pray for me and I will pray for you too... we could all use a little prayer during this holiday season.

Peace.

P.S. America's Top Model Sucks.. We all KNOW Bre was the ONE... * Shakes head at Tyra,..after Bre left Nik should've took that ... EASY.*