Stabbed in the back... Twice...

Does anyone know how truly horrible it feels to have your "world" come crashing down as we know it? How about when we KNOW something is NOT right but we continue to hope that it will get better.. we hold on ... refusing to let go THINKING we can somehow change the outcome. My entire life has been one big refusal after another. I'd thought I'd met a man who'd changed my life. I'd rode the rollercoaster with him and traveled down all the loops and obstacles and here we were..TOGETHER. Truth is trust was never a part of this equation. Now imma keep this real for all my peeps out there that read my blogs. No sense in lying to myself anymore. I'm no angel. I've lied and cheated and done my share of deceiving. There are still things to this day that I refuse to admit (there's that word again) When Aaron left in May I was content with being without him. I'd already begun the dating process. A few weeks passed and I began to miss him. He'd called me and I was still being a bitch to him. AS time moved on I began to really examine my feelings for him. I took apart all of the hate and lies.. stripped away the guilt and confusion.. all that was left was LOVE. I loved him. So, with that being said I began my quest to have him again. When we started this relationship AGAIN I left the lies and the mistrust behind. I wanted to start fresh and it hasn't been easy. Lately, my intuition has been in overdrive. I'm a pretty detective, so last nite I started my investigation. Sometimes when we search for truth we don't really wanna find the truth. Well, not only has he been sleeping with a numerous amount of women..UNPROTECTED..BUT he's been pursuing the EX again. It's safe to say that I'm not OK. I'm not even mentally stable enough to get my thoughts across. It's been 3 weeks since I lost the babies... 2 weeks since I lost my job and 1 week since I packed up my life and moved back to CAli.. Yea he didn't ask me to... Yes I wanted to be closer to him... Maybe I deserve all of this. He did tell me in SEVERAL fits of rage he didn't want to be with me... but his actions always indicated otherwise. Maybe I should've let it go. When confronted about al lof this I was told this is my fault since he told me he never wanted to be with me. I forced all of this. I manipulated the situation with attempting suicide and getting pregnant. BUT he's been with me... he's looked me in the eyes and proclaimed his love for me. I don't get it. I'm here. I've cried. I can't change anything that has happened. I can't even tell u my next move. I want to be angry, but it's not there. I'm just devoid of any feeling. I haven't eaten. I can barely talk. I will never trust another man as long as I live.. he's changed my life forever. Why are we here on earth? I don't understand why there is so much pain and why I can't ever have a man that truly loves me.
Peace