It's that time of year again? AGAIN? yes, again!

Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life


How the hell did I?


I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...

Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!

Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?

Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?

1. Respect

2.Romance

3.Honesty

4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own

5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.

6. A strong and sensitive man



Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.

I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!



I don't owe u anything.....


I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?