So many questions..... no answers.

Current mood: rejected
Category: Life


What happens when new love becomes old love? When smiles become frowns and laughter becomes painful? I'm just wondering out loud. Sometimes I still get jealous when I think of "him" with other women... does that mean I am still in love or attached to "him"? Nope. I don't believe so. I wrote this poem in my now, broken treo... I lost it.. Oh well! I've been losing a lot for the last 2 years. I went to the gym last night and spend 22 minutes on the cardio machine.. then I walked away.. I was tired... exhausted.. burned out... this morning my body feels like it's been in a car accident. I have to regroup. Am I the only one in this world who feels so unaccomplished and lost? I've gone back in forth in between two states searching for somewhere to belong to. Anywhere.. a job, a career.. a person, a friend.. but it NEVER happens. NEVER. I write until I cannot think of anything else to say. Still, no one understands me. If I give myself to someone and I exhale all of my pain......... confiding, trusting.. wanting to be truthful... and they turn around and spit it right back in your face... then, what else is there? Who can I trust? I don't write these blogs because I want people to feel sorry for me or I'm attempting to cast a dark light on whomever happens to be in my life. I write simply because it's the only thing I can trust. For anyone out there that has children... especially little girls, understand this: Everything that touches them physically or emotionally will ALWAYS affect them.. forever. I can never seem to get past my most basic need ... LOVE. But yet I've misconstrued love for so many years that at this point in my life I have no clue what it is. I told Marcel the other day, " If I give up on me and you give up on me, who's gonna be there for me?" ... I meant that.

While I sit fighting right now.. for who I am and where I wanna go in life.. I'm fighting alone... when I sit in court and listen to a judge talk about me as I am not there.. I sit alone... when I look at my son, and listen as he rambles off a thousand things he needs and wants.. and I KNOW I can't possibly get them.. I sit alone.. My point is ... I didn't bring myself into the world alone... I had two parents.. but neither seemed prepared or stable enough to provide me with any self assurance or self respect to nurture my growth into adulthood, therefore I relied solely on other people to fill the void... I wasn't involved alone in any alleged thefts .... but, I'm falling alone.. and I damn sure didn't get myself pregnant alone... and again.. I am just rambling shit off... because my brain is on overload right about now!



Nevertheless, I perservere... because it's who I am. I will be returning to work soon.. and shortly after my financial status will change. I haven't decided if I'm going back to school or not. I want to, but it's in the air for now. I'd like to get this book published. I'm done and it's just sitting here at my desk.. quietly waiting for me to get off my ass and send it to the government for my copy rights. I notice as I get older... I become more humble. go figure. Last night I was laying in my bed and I thought... I wonder how many people are thinking of me at this moment? Probably none, but then I get a text in the middle of the night from someone asking if I am ok... and be mindful that this "someone" is a person I was sure hated my guts.. Then Marcel calls at midnight... sooo.. Maybe I'm loved after all... (smile)

One more thing, I am tired of doing everything for everybody.. whether it be cleaning up at my house and I am NEVER there.. or listening... or giving money... rides.. places to stay.. cars... furniture..or just ME. All the shit I've done for everyone in the last 7 years has gotten me nowhere.. I still feel alone.. and I still feel like shit.. and in the meantime, I lose real friends...myself, my money or my time... I get involved in petty disputes with friends I love dearly.. all for what? So I won't be alone. That's how I lost the love of my life....

(sorry aaron)



Peace. Reese