Thursday, May 31, 2007
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Blogging
1.so why is it that really obese women think it's cool to wear thongs on the beach?
2. Honestly, it ain't cool for NO one to wear thongs on the beach, but something about double ass and stomachs ain't the beauty I'm seeking when I hit my fav spot.
3.I think I was the ONLY non-high person at the Reggae festival
4." I will come see you, bring you food, but stop thinking Imma act like ya man"
5.Why does HE equate EVERYTHING with us being together?
6.The very next night " You can sleep here tonite, but SHE may call, don't know how you're going to handle that"
7.*scratches head* Ok, if YOU invite your ex to your house...and you're seeing someone, common sense is to NOT invite your ex to your house..it's prolly not a good idea
8. but i love him.. and so I digress
9.found myself venturing to church more and more often.
10.not sure if it's for religion, education or some other quest I may be on
11." I feel like a crackhead waiting on the mailman for my check" me talking to ant about waiting on the mailman... he was rollin
12. demiurgic; A powerful creative force or personality.
13.all this free time is driving me crazy and I am sure there is lots I can find to do
14."I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout ya
And know it ain't right, baby
But I don't
I don't think, don't think that I
That I can let go (Don't think I can let you know)" Ne-Yo, Let go
15. i feel like a real deadbeat... lol
16.part of me wants to NOT go back... just write... or maybe work with teenaged girls
17.can u believe that guy called me a crazy b****
18.ok, so maybe I can be a little crazy and bitchy
19. Are u kidding me? The ONE time I walk away, I am called CRAZY...oh he doesn't know crazy...i asked him to keep his fucking hands off me...boys.. sigh
20. I really believe Dr.'s are the BIGGEST bullshitters in the world.. and they get paid for it!
21. Why the hell is the TV ALWAYS turned to a fucking spanish channel when I go to the dr.. in fucking Beverly Hills???
22. I told that bitch I had rolling veins.. she hit me 3 xs
23. Got- damned arm looks like I've been shooting her-ion.. LMAO
24.I really Miss Tupac.. Grid'lockd was on last night and I almost cried looking into those deep, dark eyes...
25. Imagine the music game if Pac were here? These negro's wouldn't have a chance
26. Tomorrow is my son's 1st school dance
27. Yup, Imma cry
28. I've decided to become celibate.... explore WHO I am
29. ok, who the fuck am I kidding
30. Didn't Teej have this as a new year's resolution?
31. Really, I am not considering dating as an option, maybe I am much too picky
32. SO final weight count since the gym , 33 lbs... I'm still too FAT to wear a swimsuit, but next year looks promising
33. I forgot how old I was the other day....
34. "I left with no bra or panties on,(no sex involved) his smell on me and sleep in my eyes... he left with my heart."
35. I almost got up the other morning and got dressed for work.. ahhhahaha I had to laugh at myself
36.Where is the damn heat at?
37.Who parked that ancient ass MC in front of the house? Spider webs coming from inside of the car to the outside ... missing bumbers, no seat.. WTF???
38. He said he name was "BOB"..he lives 3 houses down and he's been watching me.. thinks I am fine...wants to take me on a walk sometime..
39. Ok, BOB, that's creepy... especially the way your left eye looks to the east when u look west...
40. and I gave up the sympathy number
41. 100 calls later ... with various vm's... I had to let "Spongebob eyepatch" (as he is affectionately referred to by Aaron) know I had NO INTENTION of going on a walk with him
42.Doesn't it suck when u meet someone and they could be the ONE, but you're too emotionally fucked up?
43.Why can all these skinny bitches have 5-6 kids and still have a flat stomach and I have one kid and i'm left looking like a baby seal...
44. ok, so maybe I'm a little angry and have an alterior motive...
45. He may be RIGHT... as usual.. I fucking hate that shit,
46.I am going to test my acting skills out..
47. Yea, I am considering making a "movie" with a friend... now, of course I will NOT be involved in ANY sex scenes, nor will my clothes be off at ANY time, but I will be an EXTRA in the movie..
48. I think it will be fun...
49. I used to love him.. ya know
50.I wonder if he LOVED ME TOO... lol ;)
June 13, 2007
Him and I
Current mood: worried
Category: Life
Everyone who watched us together said they could see the love flowing around us. I felt the love. He kissed me... and held my hand.. he danced with me and smiled at me. He told me I looked strong. He said he was proud of me.
We looked into each other's eyes as if we were the only two people in the room. I knew right then and there he WAS the ONE for me. ....But after the festivities... and he made love to me.. .we went our seperate ways...
I left my heart behind. The next evening I had a visit from the other EX itching to get back into my life. I had to tell him we can never be... because HIM and I are OVER ... and well, Aaron is the only one for me.
Through all of our fighting and my ranting and his raving... here we are full circle once again. I know now that if I or (we) ever get another chance at this love thing... I will love him harder than he ever loved me.. I will be supportive... I will let him be the King and I his queen... I will be honest and keep our private business between us and out of the streets... there are so many things I've learned in the last year alone, but most importantly... I love him. and that's just the way it is.
Currently listening :
Attitude
By Troop
Release date: By 13 October, 1989
Category: Life
Everyone who watched us together said they could see the love flowing around us. I felt the love. He kissed me... and held my hand.. he danced with me and smiled at me. He told me I looked strong. He said he was proud of me.
We looked into each other's eyes as if we were the only two people in the room. I knew right then and there he WAS the ONE for me. ....But after the festivities... and he made love to me.. .we went our seperate ways...
I left my heart behind. The next evening I had a visit from the other EX itching to get back into my life. I had to tell him we can never be... because HIM and I are OVER ... and well, Aaron is the only one for me.
Through all of our fighting and my ranting and his raving... here we are full circle once again. I know now that if I or (we) ever get another chance at this love thing... I will love him harder than he ever loved me.. I will be supportive... I will let him be the King and I his queen... I will be honest and keep our private business between us and out of the streets... there are so many things I've learned in the last year alone, but most importantly... I love him. and that's just the way it is.
Currently listening :
Attitude
By Troop
Release date: By 13 October, 1989
May 16, 2007
Birthday Blog...
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
Happy Birthday to me.. wheeww hoooo!
I could be sitting here sulking.. simply because I lost a great job last week.. and I desperately want and need Aaron in my life, but I've decided to try a different angle this year. Ok, so I am 31... feels the same as 30, 29, 28 ect., ect. The one difference that I notice right off is my mental state of mind. I'm very aware of what's going on inside of me and around me. Lately, my life has been wickedly out of control.. the men, my job, the stress.... today I plan to take it slow and relax. I am thankful I have a beautiful son that loves me.. I am glad I have my health and my intelligence.. I am also thankful I have so many wonderful family members and friends that love and care about me. I am thankful I met DeRaymion.. he is the best friend a girl could have... so with all the negative connotations my life has experienced... there is a lot more positive notes to reflect upon. This blog isn't as eloquent as I'd have liked it to be, but shit it's 1:15 in the morning.. and sleep hasn't been something I've been getting lately..... Happy Birthday to me... thanks Mom and Dad for bringing my emotional, complicated, artistic ass into the world.. I know I am such a pain.
Category: Life
Happy Birthday to me.. wheeww hoooo!
I could be sitting here sulking.. simply because I lost a great job last week.. and I desperately want and need Aaron in my life, but I've decided to try a different angle this year. Ok, so I am 31... feels the same as 30, 29, 28 ect., ect. The one difference that I notice right off is my mental state of mind. I'm very aware of what's going on inside of me and around me. Lately, my life has been wickedly out of control.. the men, my job, the stress.... today I plan to take it slow and relax. I am thankful I have a beautiful son that loves me.. I am glad I have my health and my intelligence.. I am also thankful I have so many wonderful family members and friends that love and care about me. I am thankful I met DeRaymion.. he is the best friend a girl could have... so with all the negative connotations my life has experienced... there is a lot more positive notes to reflect upon. This blog isn't as eloquent as I'd have liked it to be, but shit it's 1:15 in the morning.. and sleep hasn't been something I've been getting lately..... Happy Birthday to me... thanks Mom and Dad for bringing my emotional, complicated, artistic ass into the world.. I know I am such a pain.
It's that time of year again? AGAIN? yes, again!
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life
How the hell did I?
I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...
Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!
Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?
Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?
1. Respect
2.Romance
3.Honesty
4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own
5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.
6. A strong and sensitive man
Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.
I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!
I don't owe u anything.....
I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?
Category: Life
How the hell did I?
I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...
Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!
Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?
Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?
1. Respect
2.Romance
3.Honesty
4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own
5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.
6. A strong and sensitive man
Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.
I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!
I don't owe u anything.....
I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?
Does it EVER end?
Current mood: distressed
I think I set myself up for bad karma. Or maybe it's the negative energy that I sometimes feed into. Who knows. But all of my attempts to live a normal, productive life always seem halted! I have been at my job for about 16 months. Never had an issue, never been in any trouble or drama. Well, that all changed on Friday. Understand, that I have been trying to apply for a permanent position with the company since February. The first app. I put in was "lost" and I was told I needed to work in my position a bit longer ( while other's were told NOT to apply, all of us being black). This round I was advised I needed to stabilize my work history. WTF? I am confused here. There was no mistake that I was upset by what was going on. Honda is a fickle company. A company which only 5% of it's employees are black. I work in a department that is run strictly by who u know and who like you... definitely NOT by skill or qualifications. There are people there who've been there 3 or 4 years and STILL have not been made associate because the don't fit the "profile". I have brought these issues up with management SEVERAL times and I have been very vocal in my disgust for their bias hiring process. Then I was sabatoged.
After returning from lunch on Friday, I was called into the conference room with one of the contract coordinators. She proceeds to show me an open case of mine, which I haven't worked. I look over the case and see that there has been some type of myspace bulletin pasted in the note section. Ok. So, I keep looking at her and she asked how did they get there? Shit if I know! I don't copy and paste myspace notes into my cases, not on accident or on purpose. I am then told this is a terminating offense, HOWEVER it is being investigated. I am given two different stories as to how this case was pulled. I start asking several questions because this is MY JOB they are talking about. I went over every scenario in my mind and there is NO WAY I did this... not even on accident! Someone set me up... but it's under my username.. well, guess what.. my user name is accessible by EVERYONE in the department and the password is universal. I have worked here for over a year and I've never been so much as warned for attendance.. .this is uncharacteristic of my work ethic and a bunch of bullshit! Needless to say, I was suspended with pay.... but wait.. How am I suspended if they have no proof? Well, it's their mistake. I will not go quietly and for whomever tried to set me up.. what goes around comes around! In my mind, realistically speaking, if they had REAL evidence I would have been fired on Friday.... either way it goes.. I am fighting this to the very end! I did not work my ass for over a year to be terminated for some straight up bullshit!!
*sigh*
I think I set myself up for bad karma. Or maybe it's the negative energy that I sometimes feed into. Who knows. But all of my attempts to live a normal, productive life always seem halted! I have been at my job for about 16 months. Never had an issue, never been in any trouble or drama. Well, that all changed on Friday. Understand, that I have been trying to apply for a permanent position with the company since February. The first app. I put in was "lost" and I was told I needed to work in my position a bit longer ( while other's were told NOT to apply, all of us being black). This round I was advised I needed to stabilize my work history. WTF? I am confused here. There was no mistake that I was upset by what was going on. Honda is a fickle company. A company which only 5% of it's employees are black. I work in a department that is run strictly by who u know and who like you... definitely NOT by skill or qualifications. There are people there who've been there 3 or 4 years and STILL have not been made associate because the don't fit the "profile". I have brought these issues up with management SEVERAL times and I have been very vocal in my disgust for their bias hiring process. Then I was sabatoged.
After returning from lunch on Friday, I was called into the conference room with one of the contract coordinators. She proceeds to show me an open case of mine, which I haven't worked. I look over the case and see that there has been some type of myspace bulletin pasted in the note section. Ok. So, I keep looking at her and she asked how did they get there? Shit if I know! I don't copy and paste myspace notes into my cases, not on accident or on purpose. I am then told this is a terminating offense, HOWEVER it is being investigated. I am given two different stories as to how this case was pulled. I start asking several questions because this is MY JOB they are talking about. I went over every scenario in my mind and there is NO WAY I did this... not even on accident! Someone set me up... but it's under my username.. well, guess what.. my user name is accessible by EVERYONE in the department and the password is universal. I have worked here for over a year and I've never been so much as warned for attendance.. .this is uncharacteristic of my work ethic and a bunch of bullshit! Needless to say, I was suspended with pay.... but wait.. How am I suspended if they have no proof? Well, it's their mistake. I will not go quietly and for whomever tried to set me up.. what goes around comes around! In my mind, realistically speaking, if they had REAL evidence I would have been fired on Friday.... either way it goes.. I am fighting this to the very end! I did not work my ass for over a year to be terminated for some straight up bullshit!!
*sigh*
April 23, 2007
The "He said WHAT" list
I've compiled a list of 10 quotes from different people... either friends, foes, or fools I don't know.. ALL MALE..
Enjoy?
1."Plus if you kill yourself I will find you in the afterlife and fuck you up! " Teej on me cutting myself... Only HE would think about fucking someone up in the aftelife.. Love u Teejie!
2."tell me ulove me" Aaron at 3am Saturday, OBVIOUSLY drunk
3."Baby let me tell you about this thing that goes on before the club. See, you step outta line and come and talk to me. I get your number and I take you out sometime. Look at you, pretty, pretty toes, girl... you don't know what I can do to u" Fat dude working the line at Cohiba... LMAO
4."Lue said he will stay with you but u have 2 go to church in the morning..." Spunky on me sleeping alone.
5."Sure, so ... How about dinner and fucking? We can discuss the definition of dating over dinner"... Steven's crazy ass on dating... I swear, the things I hear.. needless to say the dinner and fucking NEVER happened.
6."Girl, PLEASE! Do not stroke my ego, there is no need".. Chris on my best sex ever comment.. ;) lmao
7."Its ok to want more, thats ambition. It's a positive attribute. However, self loathing is not" Arlyn on my self esteem and life issues...
8."I'm disappointed in you.... I was gonna give u a chance, but last time I seen you, you were leaving with someone else. Lemme ask you something... Does size matter to you?" Some jerk at Cohiba that got cussed out shortly after making this statement.
9." when things get hard i always go inside my shell i should have been real. i am sorry. i still got luv 4 you." Church apologizing for EVERYTHING...
10. " I would never marry anyone that I can't pick up. What if she falls down and hurt's herself, plus you never want to be with someone that has the potential to knock you out!" Dee on dating BIG gurls.. hahahahaha too funny
Enjoy?
1."Plus if you kill yourself I will find you in the afterlife and fuck you up! " Teej on me cutting myself... Only HE would think about fucking someone up in the aftelife.. Love u Teejie!
2."tell me ulove me" Aaron at 3am Saturday, OBVIOUSLY drunk
3."Baby let me tell you about this thing that goes on before the club. See, you step outta line and come and talk to me. I get your number and I take you out sometime. Look at you, pretty, pretty toes, girl... you don't know what I can do to u" Fat dude working the line at Cohiba... LMAO
4."Lue said he will stay with you but u have 2 go to church in the morning..." Spunky on me sleeping alone.
5."Sure, so ... How about dinner and fucking? We can discuss the definition of dating over dinner"... Steven's crazy ass on dating... I swear, the things I hear.. needless to say the dinner and fucking NEVER happened.
6."Girl, PLEASE! Do not stroke my ego, there is no need".. Chris on my best sex ever comment.. ;) lmao
7."Its ok to want more, thats ambition. It's a positive attribute. However, self loathing is not" Arlyn on my self esteem and life issues...
8."I'm disappointed in you.... I was gonna give u a chance, but last time I seen you, you were leaving with someone else. Lemme ask you something... Does size matter to you?" Some jerk at Cohiba that got cussed out shortly after making this statement.
9." when things get hard i always go inside my shell i should have been real. i am sorry. i still got luv 4 you." Church apologizing for EVERYTHING...
10. " I would never marry anyone that I can't pick up. What if she falls down and hurt's herself, plus you never want to be with someone that has the potential to knock you out!" Dee on dating BIG gurls.. hahahahaha too funny
April 15, 2007
And the award for best actress goes to....
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life
It's Sunday... an end to yet another weekend gone much too fast. The last few weeks of my life have been, well, to say the least, difficult. I feel like I'm being tested, but I'm not quite clear in what way. I'm going to start rambling... because there is so much on my mind... Is there a God? Is he watching over me? Or is SHE being vindictive because I fucked her man? (not to be taken literally, people!) I'm definitely NOT big on religion simply because my thought process is much too rational and technical. I don't even feel spiritual. I hear myself talking about GOD and FUCK............. do I really believe my own bullshit? (ha!) I feel like an actress in my own life. Smiling and laughing... playing a part so well, that I'm waiting for my name to be called at the Oscars.
Who am I? I get like this from time to time, but lately more so than ever. I know this really has nothing to with Aaron and I... in part, it plays a significant role... but I know I've had this sadness in my soul long before he entered my life. I'm living a life that isn't condusive to what I really want and need. I have all of these men whispering in my ear.. telling me I am beautiful... but it doesn't matter. I've known about my beauty since the begining. I've used it to my advantage, manipulating hearts and seducing souls. Even on my ugliest days... I am still aware. I just pretend. Does this make me a bad person?
What am I looking for? An idea.... I've always wanted one of those big houses with lots of children... laughter.. and memories made by the moments we'd share together. A man, one man, whom loved me and didn't care about my past. Someone whom protected me and held me during those trying times my mind escapes reality. I thought I'd found him, but he ran away.
I don't get this at all. I KNOW what I want... I think. Or sometimes I feel like I know. Being me just seems ... well, who would really like ME anyway.
Category: Life
It's Sunday... an end to yet another weekend gone much too fast. The last few weeks of my life have been, well, to say the least, difficult. I feel like I'm being tested, but I'm not quite clear in what way. I'm going to start rambling... because there is so much on my mind... Is there a God? Is he watching over me? Or is SHE being vindictive because I fucked her man? (not to be taken literally, people!) I'm definitely NOT big on religion simply because my thought process is much too rational and technical. I don't even feel spiritual. I hear myself talking about GOD and FUCK............. do I really believe my own bullshit? (ha!) I feel like an actress in my own life. Smiling and laughing... playing a part so well, that I'm waiting for my name to be called at the Oscars.
Who am I? I get like this from time to time, but lately more so than ever. I know this really has nothing to with Aaron and I... in part, it plays a significant role... but I know I've had this sadness in my soul long before he entered my life. I'm living a life that isn't condusive to what I really want and need. I have all of these men whispering in my ear.. telling me I am beautiful... but it doesn't matter. I've known about my beauty since the begining. I've used it to my advantage, manipulating hearts and seducing souls. Even on my ugliest days... I am still aware. I just pretend. Does this make me a bad person?
What am I looking for? An idea.... I've always wanted one of those big houses with lots of children... laughter.. and memories made by the moments we'd share together. A man, one man, whom loved me and didn't care about my past. Someone whom protected me and held me during those trying times my mind escapes reality. I thought I'd found him, but he ran away.
I don't get this at all. I KNOW what I want... I think. Or sometimes I feel like I know. Being me just seems ... well, who would really like ME anyway.
March 31, 2007
The Teej and Risha WTF is going on list......
1. "Fuck the police coming straight from the underground, a young nigga got it bad cuz I'm brown", NWA
2. Why the hell was I in Jail last week at this EXACT moment?
3.Cold part is it was for some old ass warrants that I should've taken care of
4.I've realized JAIL ain't for me! It was cold as shit in that bitch!
5.Thank GOD for my momma... don't know what I'd do with her.
6. "And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up" Pac Keep Ya head up!
7. That's just some deep shit right there
8. So two weeks ago I go into the doctor because I was feeling "weird".... found out I was 4 months pregnant
9.Aaron wasn't too thrilled about that....
10. Monday night after the gym...the pain started.. needless to say I've spent the last two days in and out of the hospital...and the baby is lost :(
11.Thank god for Eric... he keeps me smiling. :)
12. "Knowin you the best part of life, do I have the right to take yours
Cause I created you, irresponsibly
Subconciously knowin the act I was a part of
The start of somethin, I'm not ready to bring into the world
Had myself believin I was sterile
I look into mother's stomach, wonder if you are a boy or a girl
Turnin this woman's womb into a tomb
But she and I agree, a seed we don't need
You would've been much more than a mouth to feed
But someone, I woulda fed this information I read
to someone, my life for you I woulda had to leave
Instead I lead you to death
I'm sorry for takin your first breath, first step, and first cry
But I wasn't prepared mentally nor financially
Havin a child shouldn't have to bring out the man in me
Plus I wanted you to be raised within a family" Common w/ Lauryn Hill "Restrospect for life"
13. He really believes it's about HIM
14."iF only he could see through my transparent facade... he'd understand I'm deeper than the shallow pool he dove head first into".. Reese.
15." I think my closed mindedness just opened up" Reese again on Eric
16. my god son is the MOST adorable baby ever!
17. "my body is strong, but weakened by my mind.. I just need some TIME to get it together, but as the time TICKS I realize time is just a measure until we get to that last moment... then it's all over.. STOP WASTING TIME!" Reese... 07
18. I've lost 13 pounds in the last two months.. I can't wait until I'm not fat anymore!
19. he says, "When you get right, you won't give me the time of day".....
20. I say, " I'm not giving u the time of day NOW"... (he laughs at me)
21. Churchie will be here on Wednesday
22.Aww shit bonnie and clyde on the grind,
23. But I ain't fallin for the banana in the tail pipe..lmao!
24. I've realized that's it better to just live life and stop worrying about shit I can't change!
25. Is music really as deep as, "I'm hot cuz I'm Fly, you ain't cuz u not!"
26.You have to be fucking kidding me!
27.I remember when I used to be excited about new records coming out..
28.Now I just roam around Best Buy looking for old shit I don't got anymore
29.Did I wake u up last night teejie?? I shoulda called risha triflin ass.. Ya'll a hot mess
30. and I'm OUT!
2. Why the hell was I in Jail last week at this EXACT moment?
3.Cold part is it was for some old ass warrants that I should've taken care of
4.I've realized JAIL ain't for me! It was cold as shit in that bitch!
5.Thank GOD for my momma... don't know what I'd do with her.
6. "And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up" Pac Keep Ya head up!
7. That's just some deep shit right there
8. So two weeks ago I go into the doctor because I was feeling "weird".... found out I was 4 months pregnant
9.Aaron wasn't too thrilled about that....
10. Monday night after the gym...the pain started.. needless to say I've spent the last two days in and out of the hospital...and the baby is lost :(
11.Thank god for Eric... he keeps me smiling. :)
12. "Knowin you the best part of life, do I have the right to take yours
Cause I created you, irresponsibly
Subconciously knowin the act I was a part of
The start of somethin, I'm not ready to bring into the world
Had myself believin I was sterile
I look into mother's stomach, wonder if you are a boy or a girl
Turnin this woman's womb into a tomb
But she and I agree, a seed we don't need
You would've been much more than a mouth to feed
But someone, I woulda fed this information I read
to someone, my life for you I woulda had to leave
Instead I lead you to death
I'm sorry for takin your first breath, first step, and first cry
But I wasn't prepared mentally nor financially
Havin a child shouldn't have to bring out the man in me
Plus I wanted you to be raised within a family" Common w/ Lauryn Hill "Restrospect for life"
13. He really believes it's about HIM
14."iF only he could see through my transparent facade... he'd understand I'm deeper than the shallow pool he dove head first into".. Reese.
15." I think my closed mindedness just opened up" Reese again on Eric
16. my god son is the MOST adorable baby ever!
17. "my body is strong, but weakened by my mind.. I just need some TIME to get it together, but as the time TICKS I realize time is just a measure until we get to that last moment... then it's all over.. STOP WASTING TIME!" Reese... 07
18. I've lost 13 pounds in the last two months.. I can't wait until I'm not fat anymore!
19. he says, "When you get right, you won't give me the time of day".....
20. I say, " I'm not giving u the time of day NOW"... (he laughs at me)
21. Churchie will be here on Wednesday
22.Aww shit bonnie and clyde on the grind,
23. But I ain't fallin for the banana in the tail pipe..lmao!
24. I've realized that's it better to just live life and stop worrying about shit I can't change!
25. Is music really as deep as, "I'm hot cuz I'm Fly, you ain't cuz u not!"
26.You have to be fucking kidding me!
27.I remember when I used to be excited about new records coming out..
28.Now I just roam around Best Buy looking for old shit I don't got anymore
29.Did I wake u up last night teejie?? I shoulda called risha triflin ass.. Ya'll a hot mess
30. and I'm OUT!
March 18, 2007
You reap what you sow... A lesson in Love.
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry
Nikki sat nervously on the edge of the table awaiting the doctor's reponse. Lately, she hadn't been feeling like herself. Mornings were the worst. She'd wake up completely exhausted and just yesterday she found herself having an intimate conversation with her toilet. So, here she was inside of clinic, legs dangling from the table, dressed in a paper gown. SHe heard a knock on the door and the doctor slipped in. The doctor was a middle-aged indian woman. Her name plate depicted an unpronounceable name, so Nikki didn't even try. She glanced up at the doctor, while trying to hold her gown in place over her freezing breasts.
"Well, seems as though I've found the problem", the doctor said. Nikki listened intently as the doctor began, "You're going to have a baby Miss". Nikki fell into a deep shock. "I'm going to have a baby?", she asked. "Seems that way, infact you're about 4 months a long", the doctor replied. Nikki didn't understand. She sat there thinking.... deeply. Had it been almost 4 months since she's seen him? Can't be, but then again, it had to be, for there was no one else. She felt sick and didn't know what she would do. Would he believe her? Would he be there? She did the only thing she knew how to do, she sent him a text message that simply said: I NEED TO TALK ASAP! WHENEVER YOU"VE THE TIME I'D APPRECIATE A CALL OR MESSAGE BACK! THANKS, NIKKI
Within in minutes she had a response. "HE" asked her what's up? How could she tell HIM, this person with whom she's spent countless nights declaring her love for. This same person who'd expressed his desire to venture outside of their once solid commitment just months before. She remembered the day vividly now as she listened to the doctor rant on in the background about her options and inquire if she were married or not. As the doctor's voice slowly faded into the darkness of her imagination, she was there again... in his room. She could see him sitting on their bed. He looked beautiful.... " I need to tell you this now", Jason said firmly. " I really don't know how to say this, but I think we should see other people. I mean, I'm just not happy anymore. Ever since you moved here from Georgia, it's different. I know what you're thinking, but there isn't anyone else. I just need to get myself together." his voice trailed off during his last sentence. Was she dreaming? Did her Fiance' just break up with her? She stood there silent for a moment and then the tears began streaming. She'd moved here for him... and her art as well. Sure she wanted to paint and New York was an excellent place to start for a young starving artist, but ultimately it was all for him. She hesistated before saying, " What about this ring? Does it mean absolutely nothing now?". She was furious. 3 years she's struggled with him and sure they had their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, it was the two of them together. ALWAYS. Jason said nothing. He just held his head down and whispered, "I think it's for the best, Nikki. We're too young for this. I've never been able to date without the pressure of a relationship. I love u and I always will, but I'm NOT in love with you. I think you should leave as soon as your able". He can't be serious. She has a 4 year old daughter to think about. He's the only father she knows. How will she explain this to Aubrey. She adores him. Her next move was one out of pure desperation. Before she knew it, she'd picked up a painting she'd been working on for 3 months.... it was an ode to their love.. something special she was going to give him for his birthday. She threw it at him, she screamed and through the tears she began throwing anything she could at him. He ducked and dodged her frivolous attempt to expell her anger.... "STOP!", he yelled. He finally reached her and grabbed her. Tears flowing freely from his own eyes, he looked her straight in her own and said, "It's over, I'm sorry". That was the last time she'd seen him.... 4 months ago... "SO, I will need to refer you to an OB-GYN ASAP!, you will need prenatal vitamens and"... the doctor's voice forced her back into reality. She quickly typed: I'M PREGNANT. 4 MONTHS TO BE EXACT. THERE HAS BEEN NO ONE SINCE YOU. He responded: I DON'T THINK "YOU" SHOULD HAVE IT. IT WILL ONLY MAKE MATTERS WORSE. WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER AND I AM NOT INTERESTING IN HAVING A FAMILY WITH YOU. ...... She read it twice. She couldn't believe the coldness of his reply. She sat there for a long moment and cried. What would she do? The last piece of their love lie deep inside of her belly. How could she terminate something so pure?
TO be continued.......
Category: Writing and Poetry
Nikki sat nervously on the edge of the table awaiting the doctor's reponse. Lately, she hadn't been feeling like herself. Mornings were the worst. She'd wake up completely exhausted and just yesterday she found herself having an intimate conversation with her toilet. So, here she was inside of clinic, legs dangling from the table, dressed in a paper gown. SHe heard a knock on the door and the doctor slipped in. The doctor was a middle-aged indian woman. Her name plate depicted an unpronounceable name, so Nikki didn't even try. She glanced up at the doctor, while trying to hold her gown in place over her freezing breasts.
"Well, seems as though I've found the problem", the doctor said. Nikki listened intently as the doctor began, "You're going to have a baby Miss". Nikki fell into a deep shock. "I'm going to have a baby?", she asked. "Seems that way, infact you're about 4 months a long", the doctor replied. Nikki didn't understand. She sat there thinking.... deeply. Had it been almost 4 months since she's seen him? Can't be, but then again, it had to be, for there was no one else. She felt sick and didn't know what she would do. Would he believe her? Would he be there? She did the only thing she knew how to do, she sent him a text message that simply said: I NEED TO TALK ASAP! WHENEVER YOU"VE THE TIME I'D APPRECIATE A CALL OR MESSAGE BACK! THANKS, NIKKI
Within in minutes she had a response. "HE" asked her what's up? How could she tell HIM, this person with whom she's spent countless nights declaring her love for. This same person who'd expressed his desire to venture outside of their once solid commitment just months before. She remembered the day vividly now as she listened to the doctor rant on in the background about her options and inquire if she were married or not. As the doctor's voice slowly faded into the darkness of her imagination, she was there again... in his room. She could see him sitting on their bed. He looked beautiful.... " I need to tell you this now", Jason said firmly. " I really don't know how to say this, but I think we should see other people. I mean, I'm just not happy anymore. Ever since you moved here from Georgia, it's different. I know what you're thinking, but there isn't anyone else. I just need to get myself together." his voice trailed off during his last sentence. Was she dreaming? Did her Fiance' just break up with her? She stood there silent for a moment and then the tears began streaming. She'd moved here for him... and her art as well. Sure she wanted to paint and New York was an excellent place to start for a young starving artist, but ultimately it was all for him. She hesistated before saying, " What about this ring? Does it mean absolutely nothing now?". She was furious. 3 years she's struggled with him and sure they had their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, it was the two of them together. ALWAYS. Jason said nothing. He just held his head down and whispered, "I think it's for the best, Nikki. We're too young for this. I've never been able to date without the pressure of a relationship. I love u and I always will, but I'm NOT in love with you. I think you should leave as soon as your able". He can't be serious. She has a 4 year old daughter to think about. He's the only father she knows. How will she explain this to Aubrey. She adores him. Her next move was one out of pure desperation. Before she knew it, she'd picked up a painting she'd been working on for 3 months.... it was an ode to their love.. something special she was going to give him for his birthday. She threw it at him, she screamed and through the tears she began throwing anything she could at him. He ducked and dodged her frivolous attempt to expell her anger.... "STOP!", he yelled. He finally reached her and grabbed her. Tears flowing freely from his own eyes, he looked her straight in her own and said, "It's over, I'm sorry". That was the last time she'd seen him.... 4 months ago... "SO, I will need to refer you to an OB-GYN ASAP!, you will need prenatal vitamens and"... the doctor's voice forced her back into reality. She quickly typed: I'M PREGNANT. 4 MONTHS TO BE EXACT. THERE HAS BEEN NO ONE SINCE YOU. He responded: I DON'T THINK "YOU" SHOULD HAVE IT. IT WILL ONLY MAKE MATTERS WORSE. WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER AND I AM NOT INTERESTING IN HAVING A FAMILY WITH YOU. ...... She read it twice. She couldn't believe the coldness of his reply. She sat there for a long moment and cried. What would she do? The last piece of their love lie deep inside of her belly. How could she terminate something so pure?
TO be continued.......
March 14, 2007
The circle of Life
Life if truly amazing in it's purest form... a baby. Last night I witnessed my best and her husband bring their 1st son together into the world. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive about even being there.... as I still hold onto this pain, which burns like a never-ending candle in my heart. I miss my babies,..I want them back.. I want to share life with the man I love.... those are my thoughts on a daily basis... I want to watch someone stand in awe at our creation... Well, I experienced that all last night. I've known this person for half of my life.. she and I have shared intimate up and downs through our journey together... So, I had to be there.. for her and me.
Tears ...letting go... releasing pain
I heard his first cry and I knew this child was one of a kind. My Godson had made his entrance.. and he wanted everyone to know about it! I didn't even realize there were tears in my eyes until I went to focus on his little face.. How beautiful he was.. laying there.. cold and more than likely shocked at his new environment... I wiped my tears and checked on his mother ( who did a great job by the way)... then I watched his father... who stood there in awe at this little person whom was now an extension of his own soul. He carefully looked him over honing in on every detail about his son... More tears now followed. I thought of Aaron.... and our babies.. and how bad we both WANTED to experience this together.. I remember laying in his arms the night we lost our 1st child... he cried for hours... holding me.. apologizing for what he felt was his fault. I've never forgotten that night. Now, I'm standing here reveling in someone else's happiness... there was so much love in that room, that if you had a knife you could cut little hearts into the air. I took a deep breath and walked over to get a closer look at my new god son... his eyes were wide open and he looked at me as though he were waiting for me to say something.. So I talked to him... I told him how beautiful he was... and I told him he had a lifetime of adventure waiting ahead of him... Life has just begun for him... and he laid there listening to me... fingers in his mouth while his eyes intently followed every word I said... and then it happened... I let go. I hugged my friends... and left. I felt like I'd just releashed a life time of pain.... Pain that's been holding me down for the last16 months.... I felt free..
When I made it back to my car... I sent a message to Aaron. I truly hope one day he can experience fatherhood... I understand it will NOT be with me...
AND I'm OK with that...
Tears ...letting go... releasing pain
I heard his first cry and I knew this child was one of a kind. My Godson had made his entrance.. and he wanted everyone to know about it! I didn't even realize there were tears in my eyes until I went to focus on his little face.. How beautiful he was.. laying there.. cold and more than likely shocked at his new environment... I wiped my tears and checked on his mother ( who did a great job by the way)... then I watched his father... who stood there in awe at this little person whom was now an extension of his own soul. He carefully looked him over honing in on every detail about his son... More tears now followed. I thought of Aaron.... and our babies.. and how bad we both WANTED to experience this together.. I remember laying in his arms the night we lost our 1st child... he cried for hours... holding me.. apologizing for what he felt was his fault. I've never forgotten that night. Now, I'm standing here reveling in someone else's happiness... there was so much love in that room, that if you had a knife you could cut little hearts into the air. I took a deep breath and walked over to get a closer look at my new god son... his eyes were wide open and he looked at me as though he were waiting for me to say something.. So I talked to him... I told him how beautiful he was... and I told him he had a lifetime of adventure waiting ahead of him... Life has just begun for him... and he laid there listening to me... fingers in his mouth while his eyes intently followed every word I said... and then it happened... I let go. I hugged my friends... and left. I felt like I'd just releashed a life time of pain.... Pain that's been holding me down for the last16 months.... I felt free..
When I made it back to my car... I sent a message to Aaron. I truly hope one day he can experience fatherhood... I understand it will NOT be with me...
AND I'm OK with that...
March 08, 2007
The Woman I am?
Current mood: determined
Category: Romance and Relationships
As I grow older (grrrr), I find myself becoming more reflective on my life, my actions and the consequences that follow. I guess one could say this is a sign of maturity and growth..not to say that I don't make mistakes or require more growth. I guess, I'm slight more conscious of my choices. I think a lot about the past, which in my opinion is the only way to learn from my mistakes. I look at people close to me who seem to be stuck in their unhealthy, unhappy life. I don't feel I am better, but I do feel I am making better choices. After 5 long years of playing childish games and chasing fruitless endeavors, I've realized my happiness doesn't lie in something or someone else. I do, however understand that my own happiness starts with loving myself... a daily challenge... but one that I am consistantly working on.
When looking back on Aaron and I's relationship, I clearly see where I may have caused a lot of our problems. I haven't always been very supportive. Meaning, when he was down, I reminded him that HE WAS DOWN. I believe the reason for this attitude has a lot to do with my past and my journey in life. I'm not very empathetic nor sympathetic when it comes to other people. I've NEVER had it easy!! I've always had to fight, steal and take what is rightfully mine... sometimes literally. From the very day I entered this earth, I was set up to fail. I was a difficult teenager... with an identity crisis no one bothered to address.. and I was stubborn as hell... but through all of my adversity, I made it.. with a baby boy in tow... for me.. in my mind there is no excuse for a grown man to be without a job or a means to sustain himself. I still believe this to a certain extent, but I REALIZE.. being a BLACK MAN in America is a trial in itself, HOWEVER... one can overcome.... if u CHOOSE to. Bottom line is I don't know if I can be someone's equal mate and look at them objectively and not judgmentally.... it's extremely hard... but, AGAIN I am a work in progress and I'm just being honest.
In all fairness to myself... I have a lot to offer any man for that matter. I'm super intelligent, witty, a great conversationalist and absolutely sexy in the red light... ;) I meet a lot of men... most I'm not even attracted to. The ones I'm attracted too are just like me... confused... and unsure if a relationship is for them. There are times I long for this perfect family... a husband, children... beautiful home.. the works.. but I thought Aaron and I would do that together... now 8 months later I REALIZE he is NOT coming back.... I can't imagine myself starting that dream again, only to have it crushed. It all seems so redundant...
The woman I am today compared to yesterday is completely different. I look at life as an opportunity and I don't dread waking up any longer. I attempt to seize every moment as if it were my last... there are days when I feel like I can't or I won't make it... when I feel like giving up... walking away... yelling ( sometimes I do) or crying... BUT... for some reason, whomever is watching over us feels I deserve to be here and gives me another day to try again... Hopefully when it's all over I will have a meaningful life to look back on.... with many adventures to speak about.. until then I'm just enjoying the ride!
Category: Romance and Relationships
As I grow older (grrrr), I find myself becoming more reflective on my life, my actions and the consequences that follow. I guess one could say this is a sign of maturity and growth..not to say that I don't make mistakes or require more growth. I guess, I'm slight more conscious of my choices. I think a lot about the past, which in my opinion is the only way to learn from my mistakes. I look at people close to me who seem to be stuck in their unhealthy, unhappy life. I don't feel I am better, but I do feel I am making better choices. After 5 long years of playing childish games and chasing fruitless endeavors, I've realized my happiness doesn't lie in something or someone else. I do, however understand that my own happiness starts with loving myself... a daily challenge... but one that I am consistantly working on.
When looking back on Aaron and I's relationship, I clearly see where I may have caused a lot of our problems. I haven't always been very supportive. Meaning, when he was down, I reminded him that HE WAS DOWN. I believe the reason for this attitude has a lot to do with my past and my journey in life. I'm not very empathetic nor sympathetic when it comes to other people. I've NEVER had it easy!! I've always had to fight, steal and take what is rightfully mine... sometimes literally. From the very day I entered this earth, I was set up to fail. I was a difficult teenager... with an identity crisis no one bothered to address.. and I was stubborn as hell... but through all of my adversity, I made it.. with a baby boy in tow... for me.. in my mind there is no excuse for a grown man to be without a job or a means to sustain himself. I still believe this to a certain extent, but I REALIZE.. being a BLACK MAN in America is a trial in itself, HOWEVER... one can overcome.... if u CHOOSE to. Bottom line is I don't know if I can be someone's equal mate and look at them objectively and not judgmentally.... it's extremely hard... but, AGAIN I am a work in progress and I'm just being honest.
In all fairness to myself... I have a lot to offer any man for that matter. I'm super intelligent, witty, a great conversationalist and absolutely sexy in the red light... ;) I meet a lot of men... most I'm not even attracted to. The ones I'm attracted too are just like me... confused... and unsure if a relationship is for them. There are times I long for this perfect family... a husband, children... beautiful home.. the works.. but I thought Aaron and I would do that together... now 8 months later I REALIZE he is NOT coming back.... I can't imagine myself starting that dream again, only to have it crushed. It all seems so redundant...
The woman I am today compared to yesterday is completely different. I look at life as an opportunity and I don't dread waking up any longer. I attempt to seize every moment as if it were my last... there are days when I feel like I can't or I won't make it... when I feel like giving up... walking away... yelling ( sometimes I do) or crying... BUT... for some reason, whomever is watching over us feels I deserve to be here and gives me another day to try again... Hopefully when it's all over I will have a meaningful life to look back on.... with many adventures to speak about.. until then I'm just enjoying the ride!
Got damned Gary Brown and the rest of dem Browns.. Bobby Included!
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
Black People we must get a hold of our children while their young. Please refer to the profile below. This child is in SEVERAL of my son's classes. He is Bad.. In fact, he puts all 3 letters in bad. A few weeks back I took a surprise trip to MarQuin's school and sat in on his History class. Needless to say, Mr. Brown was not concerned about a parent entering the room. He continued his tirade in the classroom, while the teacher stood by helplessly watching. He and "Alex".. ( not a Brown, but a Castillo...which is the equivilant to a Brown! hahaha) decided it would be fun to tip the desks over while standing on them. MarQuin stayed silent in the classroom while the chaos erupted around him. ( He knew what was good for him) A clear depiction of a child that has an imbedded fear of his mother and what she might do. After about 15 minutes of listening/watching to various curse words and paper fly by my face I'd had enough!!!!!... I asked Alex if the desk he was standing on was his "seat". He replied yea and gave me a perplexed look. I responded in the harshest tone I knew, " GET YOUR ASS IN IT THEN!" ... Yea I cursed at someone else's kid, but hell... it's probably what THEIR parents need to be doing. I flashed a quick, dirty glance at Mr. Gary Brown and he cowered in his seat. If he were my son I'd beat the hell out of him for fun.. LOL Yup, pure, good ole child abuse...
So, today I am monitoring Quin's Myspace and I come across Mr. Brown's page...
..
.> GARY Pooh Pooh
..> ..> " I'll put a hole in all you niggas that fuck with me bitch"
Male
24 years old
Alabama
United States
..>..>
..>..>
">
This kid is 11... Do you hear me? 11... This shit scares the hell out of me. There is so much potential in these children, but unfortunately many of us were children when we had these children. We had no guidance or support, so now we must deal with those consequences. Now, I don't know what type of parents Gary has, but I intend to find out. It's not too late for him.. (hopefully) and all jokes aside, WE really need to focus on our kids... and EVERYTHING they do.
Peace.
Category: Life
Black People we must get a hold of our children while their young. Please refer to the profile below. This child is in SEVERAL of my son's classes. He is Bad.. In fact, he puts all 3 letters in bad. A few weeks back I took a surprise trip to MarQuin's school and sat in on his History class. Needless to say, Mr. Brown was not concerned about a parent entering the room. He continued his tirade in the classroom, while the teacher stood by helplessly watching. He and "Alex".. ( not a Brown, but a Castillo...which is the equivilant to a Brown! hahaha) decided it would be fun to tip the desks over while standing on them. MarQuin stayed silent in the classroom while the chaos erupted around him. ( He knew what was good for him) A clear depiction of a child that has an imbedded fear of his mother and what she might do. After about 15 minutes of listening/watching to various curse words and paper fly by my face I'd had enough!!!!!... I asked Alex if the desk he was standing on was his "seat". He replied yea and gave me a perplexed look. I responded in the harshest tone I knew, " GET YOUR ASS IN IT THEN!" ... Yea I cursed at someone else's kid, but hell... it's probably what THEIR parents need to be doing. I flashed a quick, dirty glance at Mr. Gary Brown and he cowered in his seat. If he were my son I'd beat the hell out of him for fun.. LOL Yup, pure, good ole child abuse...
So, today I am monitoring Quin's Myspace and I come across Mr. Brown's page...
..
.> GARY Pooh Pooh..> ..> " I'll put a hole in all you niggas that fuck with me bitch"
Male
24 years old
Alabama
United States
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This kid is 11... Do you hear me? 11... This shit scares the hell out of me. There is so much potential in these children, but unfortunately many of us were children when we had these children. We had no guidance or support, so now we must deal with those consequences. Now, I don't know what type of parents Gary has, but I intend to find out. It's not too late for him.. (hopefully) and all jokes aside, WE really need to focus on our kids... and EVERYTHING they do.
Peace.
Why the aren't I asleep?
Current mood: restless
Category: Blogging
That's an excellent question. Usually during this time I am sound asleep, but for some reason I am up tonite. It could be simply because my son is sick and I am monitoring his breathing... or it could be because I can't get HIM off of my mind.
I don't want to say who HIM is... because it's like I've come full circle and I'm back to where I started. I really tried ya'll, but the truth is Life just isn't fun without HIM.... and the laughter isn't the same without HIM... funny thing is I am not trying to win him back... I just want HIM in my life somehow.. we are going out tomorrow... Hopefully all will go as planned. There are times I am lying in my bed and I can smell HIM all over me... I just want to lay my head on his chest... . .... Like I used to.. is that so wrong?
Category: Blogging
That's an excellent question. Usually during this time I am sound asleep, but for some reason I am up tonite. It could be simply because my son is sick and I am monitoring his breathing... or it could be because I can't get HIM off of my mind.
I don't want to say who HIM is... because it's like I've come full circle and I'm back to where I started. I really tried ya'll, but the truth is Life just isn't fun without HIM.... and the laughter isn't the same without HIM... funny thing is I am not trying to win him back... I just want HIM in my life somehow.. we are going out tomorrow... Hopefully all will go as planned. There are times I am lying in my bed and I can smell HIM all over me... I just want to lay my head on his chest... . .... Like I used to.. is that so wrong?
Why the aren't I asleep?
Current mood: restless
Category: Blogging
That's an excellent question. Usually during this time I am sound asleep, but for some reason I am up tonite. It could be simply because my son is sick and I am monitoring his breathing... or it could be because I can't get HIM off of my mind.
I don't want to say who HIM is... because it's like I've come full circle and I'm back to where I started. I really tried ya'll, but the truth is Life just isn't fun without HIM.... and the laughter isn't the same without HIM... funny thing is I am not trying to win him back... I just want HIM in my life somehow.. we are going out tomorrow... Hopefully all will go as planned. There are times I am lying in my bed and I can smell HIM all over me... I just want to lay my head on his chest... . .... Like I used to.. is that so wrong?
Category: Blogging
That's an excellent question. Usually during this time I am sound asleep, but for some reason I am up tonite. It could be simply because my son is sick and I am monitoring his breathing... or it could be because I can't get HIM off of my mind.
I don't want to say who HIM is... because it's like I've come full circle and I'm back to where I started. I really tried ya'll, but the truth is Life just isn't fun without HIM.... and the laughter isn't the same without HIM... funny thing is I am not trying to win him back... I just want HIM in my life somehow.. we are going out tomorrow... Hopefully all will go as planned. There are times I am lying in my bed and I can smell HIM all over me... I just want to lay my head on his chest... . .... Like I used to.. is that so wrong?
the what the hell was i was thinking list
Current mood: anxious
Category: Blogging
ok people no numbers today!this list is via my pocket pc...kinda cool....just made it to vegas!! the fun starts tomorrow....I'm headed to yung jeezys party as appollonia yes, I'm a sex shooter....In my quest for womandom....no...that aint a word!! I got my first bikini wax todayOUCH!I don't know what's worse....2 asian women with sissors and wax between my legs...or some strange asian gyno with a spectrum? either way they look like their having way too much fun...on the way up the hill of course there many sites to see...in 7/11 there was a white dude with 9 bucks worth of dimes and nickles....buying condoms..wft?hey....sometimes u gotta do what u gotta doI! seen a scion with a busted back window...the driver was kind enough to tape it up with a plastic bag and black tapethe poor bag was flapping around everywhere and why is there so much construction on the freeway, but aint no one constructin shit....have u ever seen a video with sub titles??? try that shit....I was working out the other night when why I'm hot came on u don't realize how super wack the lyrics are until u SEE them on the screen .....speaking of working out....round the way girls that just walk around the gym...knock it off!!while ur color coordinating work out gear is rather amusing...ur quest for attention is NOT! its a gym.not a club...well...its party time...ne body ready to get on their knees?lmao.....peace
Category: Blogging
ok people no numbers today!this list is via my pocket pc...kinda cool....just made it to vegas!! the fun starts tomorrow....I'm headed to yung jeezys party as appollonia yes, I'm a sex shooter....In my quest for womandom....no...that aint a word!! I got my first bikini wax todayOUCH!I don't know what's worse....2 asian women with sissors and wax between my legs...or some strange asian gyno with a spectrum? either way they look like their having way too much fun...on the way up the hill of course there many sites to see...in 7/11 there was a white dude with 9 bucks worth of dimes and nickles....buying condoms..wft?hey....sometimes u gotta do what u gotta doI! seen a scion with a busted back window...the driver was kind enough to tape it up with a plastic bag and black tapethe poor bag was flapping around everywhere and why is there so much construction on the freeway, but aint no one constructin shit....have u ever seen a video with sub titles??? try that shit....I was working out the other night when why I'm hot came on u don't realize how super wack the lyrics are until u SEE them on the screen .....speaking of working out....round the way girls that just walk around the gym...knock it off!!while ur color coordinating work out gear is rather amusing...ur quest for attention is NOT! its a gym.not a club...well...its party time...ne body ready to get on their knees?lmao.....peace
For you.. The love of my life.
For you.. The love of my life.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life
Happy Valentines Day.
I remember it like it was yesterday... June 27,1995.....that was the day I was introduced to the love of my life for the first time. 9 months earlier I was working when I got the news. The telephone rang and I picked it up .... My life was changed forever. I was told you'd be arriving sooner rather than later....I had little time to prepare. The road traveled was rough...Many nights I laid alone awaiting your arrival....wondering what you'd be like.. if you'd love me....I was nervous.. and scared. I didn't know if I would be good enough for you. Then it happened... one hot morning in June....I started the day as I normally did... Breakfast... a little cleaning.. . 23 hours later I was looking into your eyes and it was love at first sight. I held you in my arms and promised to love you forever. You were absolutely beautiful... the way you looked up at me.. well, it took my breath away. That was the begining of our, now 12 year love affair. I will be the first to say, this love hasn't been easy. There are days when I've wanted to give up, but you ALWAYS give me a reason to keep going. You've showed me what it means to love unconditionally.... I can be angry with you, but it never lasts for long.. you'll look up at me with those familiar eyes and my heart melts everytime. I am sad on occassion ... I know you will leave me one day soon... or give your heart to another.... BUT... luckily I KNOW you and I have a bond that no one can break... for you are me and I am you... an extension of my soul... a continuing beat of my heart.... and when my loves ends on this earth... you, MY SON.. will forever be a branch extending my legacy. I love you. MOM
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life
Happy Valentines Day.
I remember it like it was yesterday... June 27,1995.....that was the day I was introduced to the love of my life for the first time. 9 months earlier I was working when I got the news. The telephone rang and I picked it up .... My life was changed forever. I was told you'd be arriving sooner rather than later....I had little time to prepare. The road traveled was rough...Many nights I laid alone awaiting your arrival....wondering what you'd be like.. if you'd love me....I was nervous.. and scared. I didn't know if I would be good enough for you. Then it happened... one hot morning in June....I started the day as I normally did... Breakfast... a little cleaning.. . 23 hours later I was looking into your eyes and it was love at first sight. I held you in my arms and promised to love you forever. You were absolutely beautiful... the way you looked up at me.. well, it took my breath away. That was the begining of our, now 12 year love affair. I will be the first to say, this love hasn't been easy. There are days when I've wanted to give up, but you ALWAYS give me a reason to keep going. You've showed me what it means to love unconditionally.... I can be angry with you, but it never lasts for long.. you'll look up at me with those familiar eyes and my heart melts everytime. I am sad on occassion ... I know you will leave me one day soon... or give your heart to another.... BUT... luckily I KNOW you and I have a bond that no one can break... for you are me and I am you... an extension of my soul... a continuing beat of my heart.... and when my loves ends on this earth... you, MY SON.. will forever be a branch extending my legacy. I love you. MOM
February 12, 2007
IF there was another way to love you....
Will I be ok?
Interestingly enough I've had many conversations with Aaron lately. ( hope he doesn't mind my using his name) For the most part, they've been ok. No yelling or fighting about things past or unchangeable. He asked me today will I be ok if he decides to move on .... u know like a SERIOUS relationship. Emotionally, I don't know if I am ready to handle that. I've contemplated the OTHER woman several times over and it never turns out well. I end up fighting with myself and comparing some mystery woman to the real woman I am. Like I said, it NEVER turns out well. I love him. That fact remains. Doesn't matter about what's been said or done... good or bad.. for the last 5 years he's been my life. Sure, there are lots of things I would personally change. Looking back, it's probably for the best we're not together at this time. I needed to find Cherise. I needed to LOVE Cherise... Since our seperation, I believe I've accomplished that. So what now? Obviously I can't continue to live my life inside of this shell. I've semi dated a few men... all of which have turned into disasters... (with the exception of Churchie.. who is the homie of the Century.)...it appears I've managed to build this wall around my heart without even realizing construction was under way. Men don't understand who I am... many of the men I meet can barely hold a conversation with me... yet alone get the woman I am... and then I think, Well... maybe I am the problem. Am I comparing EVERY man I meet to Aaron? Could be. Or is it that I am not truly over this man? Am I holding onto any shread of memory we have in the attempt to keep him close? As previously mentioned... I love him. IF there was another way to love him and move on... I'd be on it... like white on rice...but..unfortunately, I've yet to master that technique. Aaron has successfully stood his ground by keeping his distance and for that I am appreciative. He has forced me to search deeper for meaning and validation within myself and NOT thru any other means. I am no longer dependant on another human being for my happiness... I do me!! Many times u can catch me walking alone, but in the words of B... "I'm known to walk alone for a reason".... lol :) I enjoy me in ways I'd never imagined possible.... but again. .... I MUST reiterate...that man (AJV).... has touched me DEEPER than any other PERSON on this earth ( besides my son) He doesn't have a hold on me, but he's left an impression of his soul on my heart. Who can ever lift that?
Interestingly enough I've had many conversations with Aaron lately. ( hope he doesn't mind my using his name) For the most part, they've been ok. No yelling or fighting about things past or unchangeable. He asked me today will I be ok if he decides to move on .... u know like a SERIOUS relationship. Emotionally, I don't know if I am ready to handle that. I've contemplated the OTHER woman several times over and it never turns out well. I end up fighting with myself and comparing some mystery woman to the real woman I am. Like I said, it NEVER turns out well. I love him. That fact remains. Doesn't matter about what's been said or done... good or bad.. for the last 5 years he's been my life. Sure, there are lots of things I would personally change. Looking back, it's probably for the best we're not together at this time. I needed to find Cherise. I needed to LOVE Cherise... Since our seperation, I believe I've accomplished that. So what now? Obviously I can't continue to live my life inside of this shell. I've semi dated a few men... all of which have turned into disasters... (with the exception of Churchie.. who is the homie of the Century.)...it appears I've managed to build this wall around my heart without even realizing construction was under way. Men don't understand who I am... many of the men I meet can barely hold a conversation with me... yet alone get the woman I am... and then I think, Well... maybe I am the problem. Am I comparing EVERY man I meet to Aaron? Could be. Or is it that I am not truly over this man? Am I holding onto any shread of memory we have in the attempt to keep him close? As previously mentioned... I love him. IF there was another way to love him and move on... I'd be on it... like white on rice...but..unfortunately, I've yet to master that technique. Aaron has successfully stood his ground by keeping his distance and for that I am appreciative. He has forced me to search deeper for meaning and validation within myself and NOT thru any other means. I am no longer dependant on another human being for my happiness... I do me!! Many times u can catch me walking alone, but in the words of B... "I'm known to walk alone for a reason".... lol :) I enjoy me in ways I'd never imagined possible.... but again. .... I MUST reiterate...that man (AJV).... has touched me DEEPER than any other PERSON on this earth ( besides my son) He doesn't have a hold on me, but he's left an impression of his soul on my heart. Who can ever lift that?
I think you're FUCKING pathetic!
Just irritated...long DRIVE
Don't you wish your girlfriend was.... Ah REAL... LMAO
So my question is..........(DRUM ROLL PLEASE) How are you seeing someone if u NEVER see they ass???... and why are u always in my inbox with various complaints and ailments.. why do u say you will never love another like you love NOT loved me...? Hmmmm I'm randomly blurting out angry rants in my sleep... FUCK U.. I hate YOU.. Oh yea I love you.. I never WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH U again... Respect my life? And I will accept your gifts while giving bullshit in return.. Stop making yourself available to me.. if you truly don't want to KNOW me any longer.. Oh yea... Remember when I used....? Oh Yes you REMEMBER.. which is how u ended up behind me,(on that warm night....3 moons ago) in the red light... moaning and pulling my hair tight... u missed me until reality hit and you realized you'd just fucked yourself and I wasn't even in the room.. How about you pretend like I'm just a figmant of your imagination, that way when I call ( in one of my drunken states) you can pass it off as simply talking your imaginary friend...
Oh.. before I forget... That spell.. The one I cast upon your heart has been lifted.. U said your last "FUCK You" yesterday or was it the day before? I forget because they just keep rolling out... U plaster her images in places you KNOW I will look.. Looks like a ... oh... stop cherise, be nice.. she's cute and she has no idea.. HAHA yea she don't know, but you do, which makes u smarter and in a better postion... think hard.. back.. real hard to your VERY FIRST kiss... yea.. there was nothing there... u were just lonely.. let him go... it's his LOSS... Right? I see his beauty and all he sees is hoes in g strings.. or images of cum on the screen.. Hey... just my observations.. my perception in the place I call my reality... truth is I didn't love em hard enough and I didn't give all I had... so now that i'm 100% ... he's still 50% looking for another place to lay his head... in someone else's heart and start the cycle of breaking hers... hopefully for her sake he'll give her what I never got......
Respect, love, trust, honor and his heart.
And I leave u with this....
"You're so arrogant, you probably think this song is about YOU" ( NOT) Janet Jackson/Carly Simon
Vegas baby....
And another one... And Another one was how the drinks flowed... Strippers and strobe lights set the tone... surrounded by my people and yet I felt ALL ALONE... made it to the club..... dancing and moving to the sounds of reggae.. candles and red lights.. whispers in my ear begging for the right to get next to me at the end of the night... Sexy this, sexy that.... another drink.. yup it's wrap... 8 hours sleep (in 48 hrs), long drive home... thinking about u , listening to Mary Moan... I wanna be with, gotta be with u.. ohhh ooooo ....
Yea it was crazy from the get go cuz neither one of us was right... we moved to fast and crashed even harder... now I feel like I'm being held under water.. drowing ....won't you let me breathe.. I'm having a good time on the surface, but my pain remains to be seen..... WHY do I bother? Why do i CARE... It's over.. move on, next nigga; i'm on my back, staring at the ceiling.. wishing u were there... My heart is becoming colder as the days turn into nights and the nights into weeks... I starting to seek out revenge in men... I can't begin to understand how I got back here again... I went to get away... have a good day.. smiling and laughing... kissing and hugging.. but I'm still buggin.. wonderin' bout you and your new "boo"... fuck this shit! Bring me another drink and maybe I can see this thru...
PEACE,,,,
VEGAS WAS WILD . cjt 2007
Don't you wish your girlfriend was.... Ah REAL... LMAO
So my question is..........(DRUM ROLL PLEASE) How are you seeing someone if u NEVER see they ass???... and why are u always in my inbox with various complaints and ailments.. why do u say you will never love another like you love NOT loved me...? Hmmmm I'm randomly blurting out angry rants in my sleep... FUCK U.. I hate YOU.. Oh yea I love you.. I never WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH U again... Respect my life? And I will accept your gifts while giving bullshit in return.. Stop making yourself available to me.. if you truly don't want to KNOW me any longer.. Oh yea... Remember when I used....? Oh Yes you REMEMBER.. which is how u ended up behind me,(on that warm night....3 moons ago) in the red light... moaning and pulling my hair tight... u missed me until reality hit and you realized you'd just fucked yourself and I wasn't even in the room.. How about you pretend like I'm just a figmant of your imagination, that way when I call ( in one of my drunken states) you can pass it off as simply talking your imaginary friend...
Oh.. before I forget... That spell.. The one I cast upon your heart has been lifted.. U said your last "FUCK You" yesterday or was it the day before? I forget because they just keep rolling out... U plaster her images in places you KNOW I will look.. Looks like a ... oh... stop cherise, be nice.. she's cute and she has no idea.. HAHA yea she don't know, but you do, which makes u smarter and in a better postion... think hard.. back.. real hard to your VERY FIRST kiss... yea.. there was nothing there... u were just lonely.. let him go... it's his LOSS... Right? I see his beauty and all he sees is hoes in g strings.. or images of cum on the screen.. Hey... just my observations.. my perception in the place I call my reality... truth is I didn't love em hard enough and I didn't give all I had... so now that i'm 100% ... he's still 50% looking for another place to lay his head... in someone else's heart and start the cycle of breaking hers... hopefully for her sake he'll give her what I never got......
Respect, love, trust, honor and his heart.
And I leave u with this....
"You're so arrogant, you probably think this song is about YOU" ( NOT) Janet Jackson/Carly Simon
Vegas baby....
And another one... And Another one was how the drinks flowed... Strippers and strobe lights set the tone... surrounded by my people and yet I felt ALL ALONE... made it to the club..... dancing and moving to the sounds of reggae.. candles and red lights.. whispers in my ear begging for the right to get next to me at the end of the night... Sexy this, sexy that.... another drink.. yup it's wrap... 8 hours sleep (in 48 hrs), long drive home... thinking about u , listening to Mary Moan... I wanna be with, gotta be with u.. ohhh ooooo ....
Yea it was crazy from the get go cuz neither one of us was right... we moved to fast and crashed even harder... now I feel like I'm being held under water.. drowing ....won't you let me breathe.. I'm having a good time on the surface, but my pain remains to be seen..... WHY do I bother? Why do i CARE... It's over.. move on, next nigga; i'm on my back, staring at the ceiling.. wishing u were there... My heart is becoming colder as the days turn into nights and the nights into weeks... I starting to seek out revenge in men... I can't begin to understand how I got back here again... I went to get away... have a good day.. smiling and laughing... kissing and hugging.. but I'm still buggin.. wonderin' bout you and your new "boo"... fuck this shit! Bring me another drink and maybe I can see this thru...
PEACE,,,,
VEGAS WAS WILD . cjt 2007
January 21, 2007
Observations.. What I see
So I'm laughing again...
This week seemed to drag on.. blah blah blah blah! But as always I've managed to find some humor in everyday life. Let's start with yesterday. I'm on my way to work, I get off the freeway and I see a big sign drapped in front of Weinersnitzel... OPEN FOR BREAKFAST! First thought, "Who the HELL eats chili dogs for breakfast?" So, me, curious George, decides to drive in for a closer look. I get in the drive-thru and take a look at the menu... eggs, bacon, croissants? WTF? All I have to say is I don't buy it... Stick to what you're good at.... CHILI DOGS...
I'm finally at work, settled in... then Kenitra asks if I want to go to the cafe... I don't have any cash, but decide to go anyway ( i mean, who turns down a free meal?) We're walking and all of a sudden I hear Madonna " Get into the groove, boy you've got to prove your love to me,....yeaaaa"... WTFFFFFFFFF! We get to the stop sign and see a man, not just any MAN! More like a 70ish man, on a bike... not just ANY BIKE.. a three wheeler with a helmet on and a flag. This fool has a boom box strapped to the back of the bike. I fell out. And for anyone that doesn't KNOW me... I laugh LOUD! Kenitra is like, you've never seen him before... helll nawwww!
I swear I'm NOT lying...
Wednesday night was super busy for me... (oh yea, SUPER is my new word for 07) After picking up Quin I ended up in Burlington Coat Factory... Opps WRONG PLACE FOR ME TO BE WITH MY CC. I didn't do too bad, I only spent $70... Ok, so the boy is SUPER hungry... he's damned near ready to pass out and bored as hell watching me shop! (hey he better learn to like it now because it won't get any easier when he grows up! lol) It's almost 8:30 and still need to get to the gym, so I decided to hit up Yoshinoya... as it doesn't compromise my health conscious ways.. LMAO!! We get inside and I run to the bathroom.... I come out and there is some guy talking to my son... Then he turns to me and says, "I got a high yella sista look just like you, cept she short! She mean too, like to fight!" Then he proceeds to demonstrate with his fists how she throws her punches. He had to be about 6 ft tall, my color and he only had two teeth in his mouth. The entire time I was on the phone with Trechelle... so please believe I am NOT making this shit up for fun.... Anyhow, he goes on to tell me his sister is married to Snoops uncle, Junebug..... he said he's been knowing Snoop since he was quin's size.... then he starts naming off all of Snoops brother's, Bing, Jerry... ect. ect... I'm trying my damnedest to ignore this clown, but he's drunk and relentless! I start walking to my car and he's following me... so I start fucking with him....I'm repeating everything he says.... so he tells me, "Your boy look like you, but he got his daddy's legs... yea he got his daddy legs and he act like him too...!" I asked him when was the last time he seen quin's daddy and he said, " I ain't! I just know!" I was cracking up! He looked at me and said," You a fine piece of work, yo husband is lucky! Now, give me a dollar fo some beer..." I fell out... but u know what, I gave his ass a dollar... cuz that shit was hella entertaining.... nothing better than a good laugh!
Well, it's a new weekend... I've already hit the gym this morning... getting ready to clean my house and head out.. It's going down tonight.... where will u be? Life's too short.. and in the words of my beautiful cousin, Kristin... Live, Laugh, Love... and no more fucking velour, short sets big gurls.... lotion those thighs... LOL LOL
PEACE!
This week seemed to drag on.. blah blah blah blah! But as always I've managed to find some humor in everyday life. Let's start with yesterday. I'm on my way to work, I get off the freeway and I see a big sign drapped in front of Weinersnitzel... OPEN FOR BREAKFAST! First thought, "Who the HELL eats chili dogs for breakfast?" So, me, curious George, decides to drive in for a closer look. I get in the drive-thru and take a look at the menu... eggs, bacon, croissants? WTF? All I have to say is I don't buy it... Stick to what you're good at.... CHILI DOGS...
I'm finally at work, settled in... then Kenitra asks if I want to go to the cafe... I don't have any cash, but decide to go anyway ( i mean, who turns down a free meal?) We're walking and all of a sudden I hear Madonna " Get into the groove, boy you've got to prove your love to me,....yeaaaa"... WTFFFFFFFFF! We get to the stop sign and see a man, not just any MAN! More like a 70ish man, on a bike... not just ANY BIKE.. a three wheeler with a helmet on and a flag. This fool has a boom box strapped to the back of the bike. I fell out. And for anyone that doesn't KNOW me... I laugh LOUD! Kenitra is like, you've never seen him before... helll nawwww!
I swear I'm NOT lying...
Wednesday night was super busy for me... (oh yea, SUPER is my new word for 07) After picking up Quin I ended up in Burlington Coat Factory... Opps WRONG PLACE FOR ME TO BE WITH MY CC. I didn't do too bad, I only spent $70... Ok, so the boy is SUPER hungry... he's damned near ready to pass out and bored as hell watching me shop! (hey he better learn to like it now because it won't get any easier when he grows up! lol) It's almost 8:30 and still need to get to the gym, so I decided to hit up Yoshinoya... as it doesn't compromise my health conscious ways.. LMAO!! We get inside and I run to the bathroom.... I come out and there is some guy talking to my son... Then he turns to me and says, "I got a high yella sista look just like you, cept she short! She mean too, like to fight!" Then he proceeds to demonstrate with his fists how she throws her punches. He had to be about 6 ft tall, my color and he only had two teeth in his mouth. The entire time I was on the phone with Trechelle... so please believe I am NOT making this shit up for fun.... Anyhow, he goes on to tell me his sister is married to Snoops uncle, Junebug..... he said he's been knowing Snoop since he was quin's size.... then he starts naming off all of Snoops brother's, Bing, Jerry... ect. ect... I'm trying my damnedest to ignore this clown, but he's drunk and relentless! I start walking to my car and he's following me... so I start fucking with him....I'm repeating everything he says.... so he tells me, "Your boy look like you, but he got his daddy's legs... yea he got his daddy legs and he act like him too...!" I asked him when was the last time he seen quin's daddy and he said, " I ain't! I just know!" I was cracking up! He looked at me and said," You a fine piece of work, yo husband is lucky! Now, give me a dollar fo some beer..." I fell out... but u know what, I gave his ass a dollar... cuz that shit was hella entertaining.... nothing better than a good laugh!
Well, it's a new weekend... I've already hit the gym this morning... getting ready to clean my house and head out.. It's going down tonight.... where will u be? Life's too short.. and in the words of my beautiful cousin, Kristin... Live, Laugh, Love... and no more fucking velour, short sets big gurls.... lotion those thighs... LOL LOL
PEACE!
January 14, 2007
A day in the life of Reese....
There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's....hehe
Woke up this morning with a lot on my mind.. The night before had been totally out of control. I say this because anytime you find yourself doing something just for the sake of doing "it"... then in my opinion you're out of control. I learned a lot this week. #1 I Gotta Love me... I HAVE to, otherwise happiness will never be in me and I will NEVER be able to love or make anyone else happy. #2 the next man that comes into my life will have to WORK hard to get anywhere near my heart... and I plan to make him work... why should I be the sole supporter??
Later on I ran some errands... picked up MarQuin. He was going to his best friends bday party which just conveniently happened to be across the street from Aaron. No, I couldn't resist temptation.... gosh I love him... *Sigh* I did see him. He cut the hair off.... I liked the hair. But he's beautiful even so. It's truly amazing to me how this man, who was once my world, can sit right next to me as if I don't existat all... that still hurts, but I work through it... after some brief small talk... a look at MarQuin's report card following some uncomfortable silence, he exited my car and I drove away......I left my heart on his lawn..
After sitting on my couch for quite some time doing absolutely NOTHING I began browsing Myspace..then I decided to go out.. I called my sister, but she didn't answer... I called a few friends.. still no answer. I sat there for a moment more and said, "Fuck it! I am going out ALONE!" I headed to the shower... got dressed and out the door I went. When I got to the club I headed to straight to the bar...1st drink I was feeling relaxed... 2nd drink I was feeling GOOD.. 3rd drink I was on the dance floor sweating like a pig. I fucking love it! I felt sooo sexy and beautiful. Men were everywhere.. dancing with me... talking to me.. OK.. this wasn't so bad after all. Of course there is NOTHING that's going to come from anyone I met tonite.. but it was FUN... and I enjoyed ME.. and I didn't need any reinforcement from anyone else... by my 6th drink they were playing Bob Marley and I was STILL dancing.. When the lights came on I stumbled down the stairs. It took me a moment to regain my composure, but I made it safely to my car. I decided to stop at Denny's and have some breakfast. I figured that would give me a moment or so to sober up. It helped. I sat there alone people watching for about 30 minutes. Good thing my apt is just down the street from the club. I am at home now... in my pj's... writing this.. still a little tipsy, but I feel wonderful or like someone I know says.. FAN TAS TIC!
It's good to be 30 and look 21... it's even better that I am recognizing how wonderful I am... and I am relishing in my own glory...
Woke up this morning with a lot on my mind.. The night before had been totally out of control. I say this because anytime you find yourself doing something just for the sake of doing "it"... then in my opinion you're out of control. I learned a lot this week. #1 I Gotta Love me... I HAVE to, otherwise happiness will never be in me and I will NEVER be able to love or make anyone else happy. #2 the next man that comes into my life will have to WORK hard to get anywhere near my heart... and I plan to make him work... why should I be the sole supporter??
Later on I ran some errands... picked up MarQuin. He was going to his best friends bday party which just conveniently happened to be across the street from Aaron. No, I couldn't resist temptation.... gosh I love him... *Sigh* I did see him. He cut the hair off.... I liked the hair. But he's beautiful even so. It's truly amazing to me how this man, who was once my world, can sit right next to me as if I don't existat all... that still hurts, but I work through it... after some brief small talk... a look at MarQuin's report card following some uncomfortable silence, he exited my car and I drove away......I left my heart on his lawn..
After sitting on my couch for quite some time doing absolutely NOTHING I began browsing Myspace..then I decided to go out.. I called my sister, but she didn't answer... I called a few friends.. still no answer. I sat there for a moment more and said, "Fuck it! I am going out ALONE!" I headed to the shower... got dressed and out the door I went. When I got to the club I headed to straight to the bar...1st drink I was feeling relaxed... 2nd drink I was feeling GOOD.. 3rd drink I was on the dance floor sweating like a pig. I fucking love it! I felt sooo sexy and beautiful. Men were everywhere.. dancing with me... talking to me.. OK.. this wasn't so bad after all. Of course there is NOTHING that's going to come from anyone I met tonite.. but it was FUN... and I enjoyed ME.. and I didn't need any reinforcement from anyone else... by my 6th drink they were playing Bob Marley and I was STILL dancing.. When the lights came on I stumbled down the stairs. It took me a moment to regain my composure, but I made it safely to my car. I decided to stop at Denny's and have some breakfast. I figured that would give me a moment or so to sober up. It helped. I sat there alone people watching for about 30 minutes. Good thing my apt is just down the street from the club. I am at home now... in my pj's... writing this.. still a little tipsy, but I feel wonderful or like someone I know says.. FAN TAS TIC!
It's good to be 30 and look 21... it's even better that I am recognizing how wonderful I am... and I am relishing in my own glory...
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