And the award for best actress goes to....

Current mood: depressed
Category: Life


It's Sunday... an end to yet another weekend gone much too fast. The last few weeks of my life have been, well, to say the least, difficult. I feel like I'm being tested, but I'm not quite clear in what way. I'm going to start rambling... because there is so much on my mind... Is there a God? Is he watching over me? Or is SHE being vindictive because I fucked her man? (not to be taken literally, people!) I'm definitely NOT big on religion simply because my thought process is much too rational and technical. I don't even feel spiritual. I hear myself talking about GOD and FUCK............. do I really believe my own bullshit? (ha!) I feel like an actress in my own life. Smiling and laughing... playing a part so well, that I'm waiting for my name to be called at the Oscars.

Who am I? I get like this from time to time, but lately more so than ever. I know this really has nothing to with Aaron and I... in part, it plays a significant role... but I know I've had this sadness in my soul long before he entered my life. I'm living a life that isn't condusive to what I really want and need. I have all of these men whispering in my ear.. telling me I am beautiful... but it doesn't matter. I've known about my beauty since the begining. I've used it to my advantage, manipulating hearts and seducing souls. Even on my ugliest days... I am still aware. I just pretend. Does this make me a bad person?

What am I looking for? An idea.... I've always wanted one of those big houses with lots of children... laughter.. and memories made by the moments we'd share together. A man, one man, whom loved me and didn't care about my past. Someone whom protected me and held me during those trying times my mind escapes reality. I thought I'd found him, but he ran away.



I don't get this at all. I KNOW what I want... I think. Or sometimes I feel like I know. Being me just seems ... well, who would really like ME anyway.