The Woman I am?

Current mood: determined
Category: Romance and Relationships


As I grow older (grrrr), I find myself becoming more reflective on my life, my actions and the consequences that follow. I guess one could say this is a sign of maturity and growth..not to say that I don't make mistakes or require more growth. I guess, I'm slight more conscious of my choices. I think a lot about the past, which in my opinion is the only way to learn from my mistakes. I look at people close to me who seem to be stuck in their unhealthy, unhappy life. I don't feel I am better, but I do feel I am making better choices. After 5 long years of playing childish games and chasing fruitless endeavors, I've realized my happiness doesn't lie in something or someone else. I do, however understand that my own happiness starts with loving myself... a daily challenge... but one that I am consistantly working on.

When looking back on Aaron and I's relationship, I clearly see where I may have caused a lot of our problems. I haven't always been very supportive. Meaning, when he was down, I reminded him that HE WAS DOWN. I believe the reason for this attitude has a lot to do with my past and my journey in life. I'm not very empathetic nor sympathetic when it comes to other people. I've NEVER had it easy!! I've always had to fight, steal and take what is rightfully mine... sometimes literally. From the very day I entered this earth, I was set up to fail. I was a difficult teenager... with an identity crisis no one bothered to address.. and I was stubborn as hell... but through all of my adversity, I made it.. with a baby boy in tow... for me.. in my mind there is no excuse for a grown man to be without a job or a means to sustain himself. I still believe this to a certain extent, but I REALIZE.. being a BLACK MAN in America is a trial in itself, HOWEVER... one can overcome.... if u CHOOSE to. Bottom line is I don't know if I can be someone's equal mate and look at them objectively and not judgmentally.... it's extremely hard... but, AGAIN I am a work in progress and I'm just being honest.



In all fairness to myself... I have a lot to offer any man for that matter. I'm super intelligent, witty, a great conversationalist and absolutely sexy in the red light... ;) I meet a lot of men... most I'm not even attracted to. The ones I'm attracted too are just like me... confused... and unsure if a relationship is for them. There are times I long for this perfect family... a husband, children... beautiful home.. the works.. but I thought Aaron and I would do that together... now 8 months later I REALIZE he is NOT coming back.... I can't imagine myself starting that dream again, only to have it crushed. It all seems so redundant...

The woman I am today compared to yesterday is completely different. I look at life as an opportunity and I don't dread waking up any longer. I attempt to seize every moment as if it were my last... there are days when I feel like I can't or I won't make it... when I feel like giving up... walking away... yelling ( sometimes I do) or crying... BUT... for some reason, whomever is watching over us feels I deserve to be here and gives me another day to try again... Hopefully when it's all over I will have a meaningful life to look back on.... with many adventures to speak about.. until then I'm just enjoying the ride!