The circle of Life

Life if truly amazing in it's purest form... a baby. Last night I witnessed my best and her husband bring their 1st son together into the world. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive about even being there.... as I still hold onto this pain, which burns like a never-ending candle in my heart. I miss my babies,..I want them back.. I want to share life with the man I love.... those are my thoughts on a daily basis... I want to watch someone stand in awe at our creation... Well, I experienced that all last night. I've known this person for half of my life.. she and I have shared intimate up and downs through our journey together... So, I had to be there.. for her and me.

Tears ...letting go... releasing pain
I heard his first cry and I knew this child was one of a kind. My Godson had made his entrance.. and he wanted everyone to know about it! I didn't even realize there were tears in my eyes until I went to focus on his little face.. How beautiful he was.. laying there.. cold and more than likely shocked at his new environment... I wiped my tears and checked on his mother ( who did a great job by the way)... then I watched his father... who stood there in awe at this little person whom was now an extension of his own soul. He carefully looked him over honing in on every detail about his son... More tears now followed. I thought of Aaron.... and our babies.. and how bad we both WANTED to experience this together.. I remember laying in his arms the night we lost our 1st child... he cried for hours... holding me.. apologizing for what he felt was his fault. I've never forgotten that night. Now, I'm standing here reveling in someone else's happiness... there was so much love in that room, that if you had a knife you could cut little hearts into the air. I took a deep breath and walked over to get a closer look at my new god son... his eyes were wide open and he looked at me as though he were waiting for me to say something.. So I talked to him... I told him how beautiful he was... and I told him he had a lifetime of adventure waiting ahead of him... Life has just begun for him... and he laid there listening to me... fingers in his mouth while his eyes intently followed every word I said... and then it happened... I let go. I hugged my friends... and left. I felt like I'd just releashed a life time of pain.... Pain that's been holding me down for the last16 months.... I felt free..



When I made it back to my car... I sent a message to Aaron. I truly hope one day he can experience fatherhood... I understand it will NOT be with me...

AND I'm OK with that...