Sunny days turned to Stormy Nights...

I had to write this before I left. Before any other thoughts came to my mind. Before I become even more lost within my grief. It all started out so beautiful.



He surprised with flowers on Friday. I wasn't expecting him until later on that evening. Then I got a call that I had a visitor.. In my mind, I'm thinkin' "Must be the food guy.. bout time.." So, I get up to make the journey to the front of my office and there he stood. Pure beauty ... standing there smiling with a basket full of my favorite flowers. I knew at that momemt one day I would be his wife. I greeted him and he walked me back to my desk. We chatted for a few and we'd promised to meet later for dinner. That was the begining of a lovely weekend. It seemed like we did everything.... Movies, Pic-Nics in the park.. cuddling.. just loving each other. I swear it felt surreal. So it was only fitting when it was time for him to go last nite that tears fell, more than usual. I laid quietly in my bed surrounded by darkness and cried myself to sleep.
This morning I was awakened by a dull pain in my lower abdomen. It lingered most of the weekend yet I ignored it. I'd been checked on Thursday and was assured that everything was OK. I proceeded to go to work, but the pain was sharper ... worse even. About 25 minutes into my shift I headed to the ER. I was scared. Alone. Prepared for the worst. When I arrived they immediately attended to me. My blood was taken. I was rushed to Ultra Sound/ Cat scan. Then came the news. My placenta had ruptured and there was nothing They could do. I would need to get a D&C to remove the rest of the Contents as the PA put it. I felt so violated. WHY? There was no one I could call. I was embarrassed. Heart Broken and ALONE. I laid there and cried. I cried like I've never cried before. Clutching my belly as if someone had stolen something from inside of me. My head throbbed. 20 minutes later it was over. I laid there empty. I knew the risks from the begining. I knew my history. But this time I'd thought I'd had a chance. Instead, God played a cruel joke on my heart.

My Babies.....


My heart.


My soul...

Ain't no half stepping list

Have you ever seen really horrible pictures of yourself and wanted to run?
I did today!Oh! You couldn't imagine. ME, the queen of the camera looking like a fat cow. LOL I hate the color Creme/White.. ect ect. They are the culprits that make you look a ton bigger! Then the angles the guy took the pics in were horrible. Well at least they are purchase only pics. I won't have to worry about being kept in some dusty photo album... So here are some random things on my mind.. A list.. LOL LOL
Haha Enjoy!


I didn't sleep much last nite
Down @ 10 back up @ 2am
Where's Teej when u need him
He was probably up
I should've called him
TOo bad no more Joe...
He used to talk to me in the middle of the nite
Nothing is better today
Well, My mood is
But not my friendship
I'm trying to practice what I preach
It's difficult to do...
That is why there are SO MANY "kurupt" preachers
I really don't believe in religion
everyone I KNOW that is a supposed Christian AIN'T
LOL LOL LOL Still LMAO
How can u be a part of something that denounces what you are?
Somebody help me out on this one?
In Vegas there are a lot of gay christians
Nothing against being gay, but Being a christian is a total contridiction
Don't you think?
Am I just being a bitch?
No.. well, Sometimes!
I know I hold grudges..
I'm really hurt
Why would he think I would say that about him
Considering the source
I fucking DESPISE this job
Damn I miss Aaron
Especially when it gets dark
Or when I eat...
who likes to eat alone?
I had a good time with him on Sunday
We laugh a lot now.
More than we used to
He's changed.
I'm having those dreams again.
The ones with my old house I grew up in
What can they mean?
Maybe I will get my Palm Read.
Hey Dee- Dee!
I need to get your number
Hey Princess!
I need yours too!
I have yours already Teej :)
I love to write
I'm thinking of a plot for a book
It may reflect upon my blogs
U think that would make for interesting reading?
Ummm Hmmmmmm
Sometimes I'm so beautiful
I hate ignorant ass hoes
Sorry for the Curse words
Trying to work on that.
I'm nervous about these babies.
Imagine 2 little girls
My hair... OMG!
My attitude... OmG!
His eyes... WOW
His skin complexion... Pure Beauty!
Our Intelligence.. They ain't ready!
IF they get here safely...
I will be blessed
I will name them Aubrey & Amaya...
Anyway, I'm going to chill out this weekend
Aaron will be here tomorrow.
Marquin is in Ohio with my mom..
That boy travels more than me
Smile
He is truly MY CHILD
I worry about him so much
BUt I need to remember.. HE is part of me
I've always been OK.
Most of the time.
He's still my baby
He told me, Momma I want a baby sister.
Bet he didn't count on 2...
I'm doing good on saving money
The Bank Acct helped.
Thanks for all the prayers.
They work
PEace out.

The Evolution of Gossip!

It never ceases to amaze me how immature BLACK PEOPLE CAN REALLY BE. You don't see the white people arguing and cussing. The Asian people are usually quiet amongst themselves. So why is it that OUR people have to show their ass in the workplace. Today was a relatively QUIET day. I'm ALWAYS like that when I come back from LA because I miss my man sooo much. I stayed alone most of the day. Even eating lunch alone. This morning when I came in I was IM'd by a co-worker in another dept. She was asking a 1000 questions about why I'm homesick... Why did they give me a 3d ultra sound and this type of test. Just talking a bunch of bullshit I don't wanna hear. I made a statement. It went like this :
soul_revealin_eyes69: yea
soul_revealin_eyes69: well, i am ready to leave like yesterday
soul_revealin_eyes69: everytime i come back here my head hurts
soul_revealin_eyes69: or my stomach hurts.
soul_revealin_eyes69: i know its probably psychological
soul_revealin_eyes69: but ...
soul_revealin_eyes69: i still hate it here now
fat_c01: u only have a few months
fat_c01: just take it day by day
fat_c01: and take care of yourself if you really want to have this baby
soul_revealin_eyes69: THERE R 2 BABIES
soul_revealin_eyes69: i had the ultra sound twicw
fat_c01: I say that because if you keep stressing out and doing things that your not suppose to be doing you not going to have it
fat_c01: twins



And so the conversation veered off into the Anniversary Party that went down on Saturday. I was hosting this event, but I ended up doing a lot more than hosting. Cooking, Cleaning.. ect ect. I was so exhausted. Too tired for words> then I turned around on Sunday and drove to Cali. A few hours pass. Then I get a visit from Willie. Whom I happen to live with now. He comes angrily asking "Did u tell someone that you don't like living at my house?" First, I'm thinking are u fucking kidding me? U have to be. Right. I could have sworn the building says Mpower not Mpower High? I lost it. I've had it with this shit. Really I have. So several curse words later.. I'm sitting here at my computer.. Wondering? IS it worth it or should I just go home. Where I belong.

Rising Tides.. rushin water

I feel like I'm drowning, yet I'm not under water. He thinks I'm this negative, unhappy, evil person. Am I? I laugh when appropriate.. I help out friends and family... I try to give my son the best I can at all times. I'm far from perfect. But I do give my all. Or do I? There are times when the tide rises and I feel overwhelmed. I can't get up outta bed because I am just too sad. Held down by these crashing waves. I lay next to the love of my life only to be awakened by terrorizing nightmares and internet escapades. Why are You up @ 1am chatting with strangers? Why are YOU retrieving telephones numbers from women whom you've never met? I don't understand. Then the sadness kicks in. I don't eat. This burning pain called insecurity starts to hamper away in the pit of my soul. I'm hopeless I guess. Too trusting yet not trusting enough. I can't let go of my intuition. But I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He loves me when I'm near. Kisses my doubt away with his charm and strength. My hope rests in the life of my son... and the lives of these precious unborn children. I love them. I love him. I wanted to turn around today while driving home to Vegas. I wanted to run back to him and promise him a lifetime of happiness. Unfortunately, life doesn't always equate happiness. Sometimes the tides rush in too fast.. destroying everything you've built. Then you must decide if u want to move to higher ground for the sake of feeling SECURE.. .or rebuild and relish in the earth's beauty... no matter how angry she may become at times.
You decide.

Damned Survey's get me everytime!

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Reese
Birthday:	5/16/1976
Birthplace:	Cleveland
Current Location:	Sin City
Eye Color:	Hazel
Hair Color:	Varies...
Height:	5'10
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Black, German, Indian
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Brown Suede Calf high boots
Your Weakness:	Chocolate
Your Fears:	Death
Your Perfect Pizza:	Sausage,pineapple and Extra Cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Finish My Poetry book. Have a successful Pregnancy!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	5 more minutes PLEASE!
Your Best Physical Feature:	My eyes
Your Bedtime:	Whenever I fall asleep
Your Most Missed Memory:	Just being a child...
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Damn that's hard.. LOL
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate!
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	Hell Naw
Do you Swear:	Hell Fucking Yea..
Do you Sing:	Ummm Yes
Do you Shower Daily:	Of course
Have you Been in Love:	Too many times
Do you want to go to College:	I'm going back in January
Do you want to get Married:	Yes...
Do you believe in yourself:	Sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Depends on the motion... ;)
Do you think you are Attractive:	Most of the time
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	With Aaron
Do you play an Instrument:	Piano
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Well, a little wine... Shhh!
In the past month have you Smoked:	Hell Naw!
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No No and NO!
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes with my baby... Hey Spanky
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Too many times
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Yes.. ;)
Ever been Drunk:	Yup
Ever been called a Tease:	All the time
Ever been Beaten up:	Not recently
Ever Shoplifted:	Ummm never been caught so NO.. lol
How do you want to Die:	In my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	A grown-up
What country would you most like to Visit:	France/ Africa
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Don't Care
Favourite Hair Color:	Don't Care
Short or Long Hair:	Don't Care
Height:	Over 6'1
Weight:	Under 300lbs
Best Clothing Style:	Stylishly Casual
Number of Drugs I have taken:	1
Number of CDs I own:	too many
Number of Piercings:	5
Number of Tattoos:	8
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Infinity
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

So you wanna know me?

104 Things about me...

1.I'm a Taurus
2.I'm the oldest of 3 Brothers & 7 sisters
3.However my mother has only 3 kids
4.Yea my dad was a big H*e! lol
5.I was a rebellious teenager
6.I ran away a lot
7.I spent a lot of time in Juvenile hall
8.I was a gifted child (above average intelligence)
9. They couldn't figure why I was there and I was so smart.
10.I used to sing a lot when I was younger
11.I Danced too
12.I always wanted to be a choreographer & a singer
13.I'm born the same day as Janet Jackson
14.I love her!
15.I've always felt like the ugly duckling
16.Most men always found me attractive
17.I don't see it.
18.I used to be a size 11 now I'm a 16
19.I have issues with my body
20.Nope I'm not comfortable naked
21.Not even alone
22.I used to wish I was dark skinned.
23.I hate being mixed
24.Feels like I'm mixed up.lol
25.I love my mom
26.I had My son when I was 19
27.I've never had any other children ((trying now))
28. My fav color is red
29.I have a fascination with the beach
30.I love Pizza
31.I love Lilies/Pink Roses
32.I hate shopping
33. Mostly because of the body image thing
34. But I love shoes... and more shoes
35.I'm a homebody
36.I want to write books
37.I hope to get my poetry book published this year
38.I want at least 3 more children
39.I hope to be married by the time I'm 35
40.I'm scared of Death
41.I suffer from severe panic disorder
42.My fav number is 7
43.I have an intense fear of Flying.
44.I'd like to have a house by the lake
45.I love old black & white movies (TCM)
46.On the weekends I like to watch Food Network& TCM My 2 fav channels
47.Winter is my fav season
48.Something about the rain drives me crazy
49.I want to go to Africa before I die
50. I would love to live in Paris
51.I have a fascination with History
52.I don't go to church much
53.I believe in God, but not Religion
54.Sometimes I'm judgemental
55.I'm REALLY stubborn
56.But I have a big heart
57.I don't like being told what to do
58. The sexiest thing in the world is a man right out of the shower with nothing ON but a towel
59.I love a good movie
59.I'm very sensitive
60.Most people think I'm very outgoing
61.I'm ACTUALLY Shy... LOL
62.I can play the piano
63.I need to brush up on my skills
64.One day I'd love to visit a REAL rain forest
65.I love Panda's
66.I secretly want to dive with Great White sharks
67.Out of the cage
68.I think that's the white in me
69.LMAO
70.I would really like to complete a family tree for both sides of my family
71.I've never met my mother's mom
72.I have nightmares
73.I love chocolate with nuts
74.I believe in Ghosts
75.My fav ice cream is anything with nuts... lol
76.I think I've met my soulmate
77.I'm married now
78.My husband is from Nepal
79.We're getting divorced soon
80.My son keeps me grounded. I can't explain my love for him
81.I'd like to be closer to my sisters
82.I love bubble baths with my fav music playing
83.My fav perfume is Michael Kors
84.I prefer Classic R&B but I love ALL Music
85.I collect Anything Snoopy
86.There's nothing more relaxing that walking on the beach
87.My fav thing to do Besides writing is Sleeping
88.My best feature is my eyes
89.I have huge Breasts and they don't sag!lol And They're REAL
90.I'm a hopeless romantic
91.I love scented candles & incense
92.The best way to impress me is by taking me on a Moonlit picnic
93.I love to explore my sexuality
94.I won a Michael Jackson talent show when I was 8yrs old
95.Most of my friends are gay
96.I would like to find 2 of my childhood friends
97.I'd like to ride in a hot-air balloon someday
98.I've never Skiied in my life.
99.Next year I plan to ACTIVELY PURSUE ALL OF MY GOALS
100.I love basketball
101.I'd love to run naked through a public place JUST ONCE! LMAO
102.My biological Father is in Prison
103.My step father raised me
104.This list is too damned long!

A Message to Mr.Wiley

It seems like forever since the first day I met you. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Red hair... cold stares and laughter following... Do u know what that means? If you KNOW me then you do. I'm writing this b/c I haven't had you in my thoughts for 45 days 11 hrs and 26 seconds. Hmmmm.
Life has moved on since you and I.
I used to cry back then............. all those lonely nights I wished for you to be by my side. I had a song for every moment we spent together. Crazy huh? You thought so. Every minute seemed like an eternity to me. I can admit now that I was in Love with you. But it wasn't the kind of love I have now for Aaron. It was a desperate love. A longing love. A selfish love. You came into my life when my heart was sunk to it's lowest depth... U rescued me and brought me back to life. I was just too blind then to understand that it was nothing more than that. Instead you became my living respirator... I depended on you for every bit oxygen that sustained my body. When I look back on that now I feel sick. I want to formally apologize to you. I put too much responsibility on you. Things are different now. Someone asked me do I miss you because of the friendship we had or because I couldn't have you. That was interesting to me. I miss you because you were you. No matter what your private life entailed.. when it counted you were there and my friend. Late at nite when my anxiety attacks plagued me .. YOU WERE THERE. When I begged and pleaded for someone to ride to Cali all those crazy weekends you were there. We all have flaws. We all have issues. But you were my friend. And maybe I dug too deep looking for things better left buried. I'm different today. I fell in love with love. Real love. Not something made up in my head that I fantasize about every day. Part of the reason why I love Aaron the way I do is you. You helped me see reality. This time the love is returned. And Joe, I do believe that you loved me. Still do. I miss laughing with u. I miss going out with u. Most of all I just miss YOU. Hope all is well with you,
Peace, Reesie

What the fuck was I thinking List. Curse of the Tattoo.. LMAO

"Tell me who I have to be
to get some reciprocity"




White lies are still lies
Why is it that when YOU lie it doesn't count
Don't all lies count?
I was wrong about you
But then again what's new
I'm always wrong according to you
I tried to make it perfect
Seems like a perfect disaster
Did you ever really give me another chance?
Cryin Cryin Cryin
Dates, women, another lie
Stalker?
Lmao Lmao Lmao!
Since when do u have sex with stalkers
Diet cough drops, fatty, FATGIRL!
like Bat Gurl remember?
Low self esteem
Aaron.. can u hear me?
Facades of self confidence
Mascarading Strength
It's not Halloween yet?
I'm pretending this doesn't hurt
:) Yea right we know better than that
Moving, promises, money and babies
It was All For you!
Like Janet in 2001....
We've been having so much fun
Boardwalk ice cream
LAte nite talks
Hollywood video trips
Like we used to.
Remember?
I don't think u remember me.
Who I used to be.
It's me Cherise!!
Nightmares are back once again
Panic surrounds my every move
Your slick with your words
You think I don't know
Using babies as pawns
I thought I was your QUEEN
Looks as though someone
else has captured my King
Yelling yelling yelling
U hung up again?
Haven't I any self respect?
WHy do I put up with this shit?
Clinical Help?
U must be fucking kidding me
Theives, liars and hoes
Leaving, Laughing and cryin
I'm on my way back.
Watch your back.
And her too
And her too.
LOL
U think I care?
Well you're right I do
Too much for my own taste.
Damn what A waste.
I gotta shake u off. Cuz
The lovin ain't the same and u
keep on playin games
We belong together?
Like u KNOW I'm here to stay
I can't sleep at nite when u r
on my mind

Moving Sucks!

I'm done. Tired and exhausted but it's done! I miss you Teej where are you? And where have you been Miss Dee- Dee, Echo... Brea? I didn't see any comments from ya'll on my Interacial Dating question. Well, I hope everyone is doing great. I'm headed to a hot bath!

Have a Great Weekend!

Peace

Where's my Sista's & Brotha's @

Here is a question for all my black women out there. Does it offend you or would it offend you to see a white woman blatantly proclaim that a Black man will leave you for her simply because she is white? How do u feel about inter-racial dating? What is accepted or what bothers you about it..? How do you feel about the unfair stereo-types projected by some Black men as to why they date outside of their race?
Please forward all answers to my comment box. I'm working on an article regarding these subjects.

Black men... What is it that attracts you to White women or non black women.. excluding Latina's? Is there a difference in the relationships/sex/conversations with these women?? Does it matter what race a person is? Is it important to you to maintain Black Love?

So much to do, So little time.

The big move is this weekend. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm a little apprehensive probably because I'm so used to living in my own. I'm focusing more on the positve. I can save money on almost everything I'm doing. I don't have to worry about MarQuin being alone anymore.....I will miss my park that I walk in. Anyhow, today is an ok day. Still dealing with these crazy ass people on my team. That pregnant one gets me everytime. Today she called in @ 9:58am (shift starts @ 10am) and asked could someone come and pick her up because she didn't have a ride. WTF? Who calls their JOB and asks for a ride to work. That is nothing but the crack and she is on crack... AND cigarettes. It disgusts me to even talk to her sometimes. Everytime someone offers her help she comes up with a million excuses why she can't do something. **Shakes Head** they may fire her today.

Everything is Everything List

It seems we lose the Game before we even start to play

1.relationships are hard work
2.seems like u never know what the other person is thinking
3.then comes the insecurities
4.arguements
5.make-up
6.more arguements ... for what
7. it's like Tupac said...in that song,
8.Do for love...
9.I shoulds seen you was trouble right from the start
10.taught me many lessons
11. no matter how many lessons we learn in life there are still more
12. is there ever an end?
13. I used to dream like Cinderella dreams
14. prince charming... glass slippers.. perfect background...
15. why the hell does he think i'm stupid
16. this shit aint about cheating or the internet
17. i need him
18. i love him
19.i just wanna make it right
20.i want him all to myself
21. i'm selfish... oh and scared.
22.i planned all of this
23we had some problems but we workin at it
23.and now the arguements are gettin loud, i wanna stay
24.fairytales are SO UNREALISTIC
25.screaming... yellin.. fuckin... kissin
26.back to makin love
27.sleepin with our backs to one another
28.baby talk... kissin ... gettin high..feelin low
29.grey hairs.
30. arguements gettin loud, but i wanna stay
31.But I can't help from walkin out just a little way
32.Just take my hand and understand, if you could see
33. I need u baby.
34. I have nightmares ...no one cares
35.plots of insanity to make u stay
36.moving cross states hoping it will make everything OK
37.do u want me?
38.i want you
39.from the begining I remember now...
40.I never planned to be ya man it just wasn't me
41.was this all a dream
42.trust me, trust you.. telephone numbers and yahoo
43.i'm guilty too
44.silent touches from strangers in the dark
45.guilty tears drowning out the lies
46.But now I'm searchin for commitment, in other arms
47.I wanna shelter you from harm, don't be alarmed
48.Your attitude was the cause, you got me stressin
49. I just wanna take care of you .. feed you.. LOVE U, RUB YOUR BACK
50.REMEMBER HOW U SAID I NEVER DO THAT
51.one more time and your gone POOF!
52.this is making me CRAZEEEEEE
53.I understand that now. Y?
54.Soon as I open up the door with your jealous questions
55. Like where can I be you're killin me with your jealousy
56.Now my ambition's to be free
57.I can't breathe, cause soon as I leave, it's like a trap
58.Sigh............. Here's your oxygen back
59. hear you callin me to come back, I'm a sucka for love
60.that's right, sucka for love
61.What you won't do, do for love
62.You tried everything, but you don't give up
63.Everything is everything, but nothing without you.



Now I know why I don't number my lists.. refer to #23 & #23 ..lol

Dreams.. Nightmares ...covering memories

I had to go to California again this weekend. I'm tired today. Back home in my bed, but totally exhausted. I had a death in my family and I missed the funeral. Anyhow, I spent most of the weekend with Aaron with the exception of Saturday because he was @ Magic Mountain with his buddies. For obvious reasons I didn't go. All day Saturday I was hanging out with my cousin, Saraan back in my hometown of Pasadena, Ca. I ended up at the tatoo parlor and came out with this...





I don't want hear it! lol LOL



Anyhow, so in between managing my panic attacks and listening to my cousin talk about a bunch of losers I could careless about..Saturday slowly faded away. Soo tired. Feels like my body is run down and when I'm asleep My mind wanders into strange lands. I'm dreaming and I see my son in the botton of a pool. Everytime I tried to dive in I kept floating to the top/ Finally I get him out and he's fine. It was as if he was sleeping under the water. Weird. Don't know what it means,but I'm sure it has something to do with some deep seeded fear. Then last night I was dreaming about 5 different scenarios. My old best friend was there... and I could see a baby... then all of a sudden someone is trying to choke me. I don't know what the hell is going on in my big ass head!! I know I'm stressed about this baby. I've been having a little bit of spotting and a pain down in my abdomen. The Dr. doesn't seemed concerned... She says spotting is normal and so is the pain. As long as I'm not bleeding and having pains so severe I can't stand it. In my opinion pain is pain!! Shit. Anyway... back to this tattoo before I forget... See, I have 8 tats all together. And I had a tat on my chest that was about 15 years old. It was my first loves name. LOL Well, it's not like I was holding on to the tat for nostalgia or anything... it was just plain laziness. I decided on Saturday that I would get it covered it. Seems a little cliche' to cover one name up with another and maybe it's just stupid! I don't know. All I can say is he is it for me. Whether we last or not. That may seem so FINAL. But it is! I can't explain it. Well, I'm taking my tired ass to bed.....

Bonne Nuit! au revoir! bon jour!