Hand Drawn Panda's

I think I just had some kind of break down. This weekend has been perfect. The sex... The talks... The listening... It was only a matter of time when all of my feelings re-surfaced and overflowed like some Volcanoe waiting to erupt. . . .

I watched him sleep. I listened to his heartbeat. I wanted to have something to hold onto when he left. AND he is leaving me. Going back to his life. The one I RAN him into. SO last nite I slept. Right there in his arms... SAFE. This morning seemed so normal.. I usually sleep longer than him... in which he always makes sure not to wake me. He has a tendancy to slip on the computer and do whatever it is men do. Who am I to judge.. yet I do so easily. I creeped into his email and read all of the conversations he's been having with random women.. Am I slowly leaving his heart? This morning was no different. He went to his usual websites... I KNOW him, I BREATHE him... But, Haven't I engaged in questionable behavior?? I mean, if I truly love this MAN like I say I do.. why would there be naked pics of me on the internet? WHY do I crave attention and validation from strangers who mean absolutely nothing to me? Sure, I've managed to squeeze a few "friendships" out of my cyber escapades, but honestly most of these encounters amount to nothing. I am a contradiction to the very morals and respect I demand. I feel nothing. I am nothing. He was right.

I had a man touch my body and I felt like a ghost.. I watched from across the room while this man explored parts of my body unknown to most.. I looked pitifully at myself when I jumped away from this man like he'd tried to raped me.. We stopped. I stopped. I couldn't go through with this act that most find so casual. I looked around in the dark... my tears still fresh on his arm ... HE looked confused. I guess I can understand why. He thought I was ready.. I thought I was ready. Once again I was selfish.

Aaron. I love you. These thoughts are as random as my life... unplanned and unscripted... no editing.. Just pure heart. I told you today how sick I am. I just talked and talked. I didn't think about the words before they escaped my mouth. Nothing poetic about my reality or is there? YOU didn't respond. What can you say? My tears seemed to flood the room... and then we cried together.. I laid there beneath you... drowning in sorrow and regret. My soul reaching out for your forgiveness. I heard you when you whispered, "You're beautiful, I love you" How can you love me? This selfish person... This ungrateful woman.... YOU needed me and I let him down. I wasn't anything I should've been. I wasn't the woman I claimed to be. I know this story has 2 rough versions.. YOURS ... AND.... MINE. But to no extent does that excuse my cold hearted revenge that I purposely invoked unto your life! I'd already claimed my Victory... but that wasn't enough.. You needed to pay!! For all of my tears... My insecurities.. My hurt... MY fucked up life.
Now who's paying? Not only have I lost the love of my life.. but I must go on in this sullen existence looking out at happiness...Never experiencing it's joy!
How's that for interest?
YOU kissed my tears away today, but that did nothing to wash away my guilt.
You held me in your arms like a baby.
Like I should've been held years ago by the man that created my soul.
I can still smell you all over my body....


Who am I today?
The same little girl who cried yesterday is the same Woman that cries today.
I have the same insecurities.
The same dreams.
The same fears.
The same needs.
I still love Snoopy... long walks in the park... Ice cream... Music.. Janet Jackson :)& watching children play.
I've just been buried underneath adulthood pretending to
understand life and the direction in which mine has taken. Truth is, I'm just a little girl who never matured or grew up KNOWING that she was beautiful or needed...
Now I can see the beauty in Hand Drawn Panda's. Thank You Aaron.
Pooh...........