Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!

I thought we're supposed to get smarter as we age. I think I've gained a lot of insight on many things in my life, but I don't think men is one! Ever since I can remember I've never felt protected. My body has been used and viewed as an object and nothing more. If I think back real hard.. I've probably had 3 boyfriends that KNEW me and loved me.. everyone else just fucked me. As a teenager I can attribute some of my low self esteem and heartache to the life I was being raised in. I never had the support of someone telling me I was good and beautiful. So I went out and got it the only way I knew how... SEX. It was my best friend and my worst enemy. It was like a drug... when engaged in it's rapture I felt like the most beautiful girl... when it ended I felt dirty & ugly.I was infact beautiful, but I NEVER knew. As I grew older life changed. I had a child and became more aware of who I was...


to be continued..

*********Next Day****************

I erased what was here because it wasn't what I was really feeling. I can't front anymore and pretend like I'm strong because I'm not. My manipulative ways got me into this desolate situation.My eyes are puffy & blood shot red. So it's no surprise when I say I've been crying. He was supposed to be here this weekend and he's not here. I'm hurt... I'm mortified.... I'm jealous... I'm bitter. I want to reach out and touch him without him knowing.. Like a ghost...I need to know what is inside of his heart. I can't believe I've driven this man to hate me. Maybe I have. When I'm hurt I'm irrational... I'm confused... I'm ignorant. I'm not this woman that you see here.... Full of life.. intelligent, striving towards excellence... I'm the total opposite. There are always 2 sides to every story so it's only fair that I FINALLY tell his. I made this man feel like dirt... I put my friends ahead of my family and consulted with them first,like he didn't exist. Now I'm cryin. I'm wanting. I didn't appreciate the little things he did because I was much too focused on the bigger things he was unable to do. I was everything I despise.I wasn't the woman he knew before. The woman who loved the botanical gardens.. long walks and bubble baths. I became more concerned about what he had financially and what he wasn't providing. I overlooked so much. This beautiful, black man. Struggling for acceptance in this world...and still being rejected by the one person who should have stood by his side thru rain, sleet or snow. The man who gave me 75% while he took 25%... Instead, I focused on my relentless pursuit to prove him a cheater...a liar.. when that was behind us.. I pushed his buttons until he had nothing left of his manhood. I feel like shit. Now I'm begging and pleading... hoping to reconcile and stop the bickering... but all I hear are the same retorts I gave to him just months ago....
I don't want to be with you!!I don't want to be with you...It's over !! Move on... Get out!! How can I have the audacity to be sad... or hurt. I fell to the ground today and cried. Can you hear me god?