So many tears.

Where do I begin. It's seems fairly insignificant now to mention the absurd quarrel Willie & I had last night. Especially when you take into account that my cousin, Rob is battling stage 2 stomach Cancer @ 27 yrs old.This happens to be one of my dearest cousins...One whom has the most in common with me... Us being the black sheeps of the family. We grew up together.. Played together as children.. Had our children a year apart from one another.. Went against every moral obligation our parents threw at us to be individuals.. We both love hard & fall even harder. I can relate to his pain... SO when my grandma told me that he was sick I knew he was in trouble. I knew this could be used as an excuse or even a ploy to die... because like him, I suffer from extreme depression at times...almost to the point of suicide....I didn't sleep much last night. How selfish are we. Willie and I yelled and screamed at each other last nite like we were strangers... throwing accusations and making hurtful comments...for what??? I don't even know.. something that was so small I can't even recall what started it. I'm worried for my cousin,... I'm worried for myself. If my cousin dies... Well,... I can't say how I will feel or what I will do. I'm learning valuable lessons young, but do I really want to learn them at someone else's expense? WE are supposed to be happy and living life to the fullest in our youth...all I have seen in my youth is death & destruction. How can I live from that. I know there are others much, much worse off than me financially or even emotionally... but all I can relate to is me and what I'm going thru.somehow that seems selfish to me as well... last nite I went home and I called the only person I could think to call... the only person that could make me feel safe, Aaron. HE listened to me for about 45 minutes...he never judged or even made a comment on anything I said. He just listened. I needed that and I needed him.