A letter to my Baby Daddy...

Dear Len,

It's been almost 10 yrs to the day that we had our son. HE has grown so much in many ways. Lately I've been thinking about all of my regrets & mistakes long gone in the past. I used to think you were one of them! We were 2 kids back then... me 18 & u 21...too young to care or realize how our nights of careless passion could bring our irresponsibilities to a screeching halt! It's true I never loved you. If I had, I would've fought harder for you instead of letting you walk away. I want you to know I didn't have our son to keep you or trap you into creating some instant family. I was smart even in my younger, immature days. I wanted a chance to have love, unconditional love, but what I never realized was that I was the one who needed to provide it. I remember the day our son entered the world... I was tired. I was happy. I was scared. I looked at him and made so many promises that I've yet to keep. I didn't want him to ever feel unwanted or unloved. Truth is as the years have passed so have those promises. There has been several days when I didn't think I could do it.. when I didn't want him here.. when I was so angry at him I thought I would really hurt him. YOU WERE NO WHERE AROUND. See, u copped out of this deal a long time ago. And I let u go. Now I have to account for my every mistake... my every statement. I was angry! I was hurt. I can't look at my son and tell him I loved you or u me... he was made out of love. That hurts me. I think I have tried to do the best I can at being a mom, but I haven't been the best. I have beat myself up for years trying to make some sense of my clouded soul... now I realize what I need to say and what I need to do. See, I may have made many mistakes... I may have said and done things I shouldn't have...the difference is I HAVE DONE SOMETHING. I have been here.. while you have been, well... where have u been? It's been 2 yrs since you've seen your son. WHY? I let you go a long time ago. WE have no personal bonds or issues that prevent us from getting along. My door has always been open to u and never once have I made it difficult for u to be a part of his life... What I need to know is...what did that baby ever do to u or me? Doesn't he deserve the best of everything? How could we have been so selfish in making a decision..not realizing the effects of our own stupid acts.... Sometimes I wish I would have given him to someone that could give him everything I haven't been able to give... but then I look at him running down a field catching a football... I watch him asleep at nite AND I'm still amazed at what grew inside of me... When I am angry with him I know now it's because I'm scared of losing him... because without him there would be no me... I can't say the same for you. I'm sorry WE didn't fit into your plans... But being a father doesn't stop because your not there... it just means your a father, but your never there. Sad thing is he still adores you like a sports icon... he looks up to who he THINKS you are... u have no idea who he is at all... I need u to tell u I'm not angry anymore. He's been lucky enough to have a father figure step in where u left off..

Thanks for my joy,
Cherise