Vacation.... YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Well, today is my Friday.. I'm going out of town tomorrow... I'm hoping to come back with a little color... my man... and a whole new outlook on life! :) Pray for me. Also pray for all of those people down in Louisana... it's devastating down there.....

Told u I would pay for that burrito.. LOL

Yea I spent most of my morning in the bathroom. I still managed to make it to work at 6am and let me tell you.. TODAY, was NOT and I repeat WAS NOT a good day... On that note.. I'm off and outta here... talk about it later.......................

This Sucks...

I just had an entire post that was lost.. I hate that.. because I have absolutely no drive to re-write it... To make a long story short My son started the 5th grade today.I'm amazed at how fast time flew by. And I guess a list will have to replace my poetically versed entry that was erased....

Aaron left last nite @ 8pm
I cried until midnite
didn't sleep much
i wonder why
shouldnt I be grateful for the time we spent
it truly was a wonderful weekend
i did some nasty things ya'll
guess
umm hmm u still trying to guess
something i vowed never to do
and no it wasnt anal
i would still NEVER do that!
but I went there ya'll ....lol
still thinking on it
my son started 5th grade
he is much too smart for his good
he knows me well
sometimes i worry too much
i'm working on that
it's not easy not to worry when there is so much tragedy around us
i really miss aaron
his toothbrush looked so confortable in my bathroom
i think we will be ok
i cant say we will get back together
but at least we know where we're headed
who shot shug knight?
when is teej coming back
i hope he took some pics
i cant wait for winter
damn summer went by fast
does it seem that the older you get
the faster
and faster
time seems to fly
speaking of flying I may overcome my fear soon
maybe not
but sleeping pills always work
i made a promise to myself
im going to work hard on getting my poetry published
im getting better ya'll
really i am
no more cutting
damn i LOVE that man.
Work sucked today
by the way
i may move back to cali
yea yea i know.
HE is in cali
but he is where I want to be
forever.
he thinks i don't enjoy life
he says i'm forcing the issue
maybe I am
but isn't love worth fighting for.
he wrote a beautiful poem for me
he kissed me
he hugged me
i don't think he wanted to leave me
i KNOW he loves me
sometimes I'm just too insecure.
oh yea I got the hair off
I cut myself twice!
OUCH!
and OUCH!
lol
It didn't bleed much
do my lists suck?
I could make them more interesting
i'm seriously thinking of going back to school
life is much too short to waste it on nothing
I'm very talented.
I'm slowly coming into my beauty.
I used to feel less of a woman because I wasn't SKINNY
I like myself now
I'm working on loving myself
I can't wait to see him again
this weekend we will go camping...
Hmmmmm.....Sounds like trouble
At times I can be jealous and nosey
Why?





The loves of my life.. Aaron/MarQuin


The first day of school...






MY happiness...




i'm gonna pay for eating this frozen burrito & macoroni/cheese...((sigh))

Hand Drawn Panda's

I think I just had some kind of break down. This weekend has been perfect. The sex... The talks... The listening... It was only a matter of time when all of my feelings re-surfaced and overflowed like some Volcanoe waiting to erupt. . . .

I watched him sleep. I listened to his heartbeat. I wanted to have something to hold onto when he left. AND he is leaving me. Going back to his life. The one I RAN him into. SO last nite I slept. Right there in his arms... SAFE. This morning seemed so normal.. I usually sleep longer than him... in which he always makes sure not to wake me. He has a tendancy to slip on the computer and do whatever it is men do. Who am I to judge.. yet I do so easily. I creeped into his email and read all of the conversations he's been having with random women.. Am I slowly leaving his heart? This morning was no different. He went to his usual websites... I KNOW him, I BREATHE him... But, Haven't I engaged in questionable behavior?? I mean, if I truly love this MAN like I say I do.. why would there be naked pics of me on the internet? WHY do I crave attention and validation from strangers who mean absolutely nothing to me? Sure, I've managed to squeeze a few "friendships" out of my cyber escapades, but honestly most of these encounters amount to nothing. I am a contradiction to the very morals and respect I demand. I feel nothing. I am nothing. He was right.

I had a man touch my body and I felt like a ghost.. I watched from across the room while this man explored parts of my body unknown to most.. I looked pitifully at myself when I jumped away from this man like he'd tried to raped me.. We stopped. I stopped. I couldn't go through with this act that most find so casual. I looked around in the dark... my tears still fresh on his arm ... HE looked confused. I guess I can understand why. He thought I was ready.. I thought I was ready. Once again I was selfish.

Aaron. I love you. These thoughts are as random as my life... unplanned and unscripted... no editing.. Just pure heart. I told you today how sick I am. I just talked and talked. I didn't think about the words before they escaped my mouth. Nothing poetic about my reality or is there? YOU didn't respond. What can you say? My tears seemed to flood the room... and then we cried together.. I laid there beneath you... drowning in sorrow and regret. My soul reaching out for your forgiveness. I heard you when you whispered, "You're beautiful, I love you" How can you love me? This selfish person... This ungrateful woman.... YOU needed me and I let him down. I wasn't anything I should've been. I wasn't the woman I claimed to be. I know this story has 2 rough versions.. YOURS ... AND.... MINE. But to no extent does that excuse my cold hearted revenge that I purposely invoked unto your life! I'd already claimed my Victory... but that wasn't enough.. You needed to pay!! For all of my tears... My insecurities.. My hurt... MY fucked up life.
Now who's paying? Not only have I lost the love of my life.. but I must go on in this sullen existence looking out at happiness...Never experiencing it's joy!
How's that for interest?
YOU kissed my tears away today, but that did nothing to wash away my guilt.
You held me in your arms like a baby.
Like I should've been held years ago by the man that created my soul.
I can still smell you all over my body....


Who am I today?
The same little girl who cried yesterday is the same Woman that cries today.
I have the same insecurities.
The same dreams.
The same fears.
The same needs.
I still love Snoopy... long walks in the park... Ice cream... Music.. Janet Jackson :)& watching children play.
I've just been buried underneath adulthood pretending to
understand life and the direction in which mine has taken. Truth is, I'm just a little girl who never matured or grew up KNOWING that she was beautiful or needed...
Now I can see the beauty in Hand Drawn Panda's. Thank You Aaron.
Pooh...........

Employee Abuse....Dammit it's COLD!!

This is How I came to work... AND for anyone that thinks I'm exagerating .. THis is EXACTLY hOW I look NOW!!! LMAO....
It's freezing in here....



I had to settle for this wool sweater.. Usually it's my Tupac sweater tied around my head...

Driving to work. Shaving... Hungry.

I leave my house at about 5am... now this is NOT my usual schedule I am on OT right now.. working 6am - 5:30 pm. The drive is usually eventless (is that a word?). Lately, I've made a lot of observations that are probably absent in thoughts of the average driver... Ok! here comes the list.... LOL

What the hell are those orange bags on the side of the freeway?
there is not any grass in Vegas..
No trees .. OR LEAVES
one day i'm going to pull over and find out...
bad drivers ...... ..... ......
always in the fast lane....
driving slow
u go around and no one is there in front of them
I don't like to number my list...
because they are just random thoughts
in no particular order....
back to the slow drivers
today i was stuck behind one for 10 minutes
it was an older lady
going 35 in A 65 mph zone
what the hell was she was thinking...
I started the hair removal process..
refer back to the nair.. lol
I'm all healed
it will be a 2 step process...
i got most of the hair off this morning
it made me late
but I couldn't stop once I started
Now I have to shape it up into a design...
any suggestions..
lol
willie just stole my jacket
it's cold as hell in here
I went to bed early last nite
still didn't get enough sleep
I'm listening to the first Monica CD
Tomorrow is Friday.
The best day of the Week
Oh yea.. I'm hungry as hell..
Just hungry
Didn't eat breakfast nor dinner.

Bananas.... LOL THIS SHHH IS B A N A N A S

WTF is a holla back gurl?? Does anyone know? I'm listening to this damned song right now and although I don't particularly like it.. I find myself singing it over and over and over again... WHY? All I wanna know is if u know what a holla back gurl is let a sista in on it.. and ain't Gwen Stefani like 40? lol I would hope she ain't no holla back gurl... whatever the hell it is.....
Onto other non-important things.....
Does anyone else have issues washing their back in the shower?
I bought a brush and that shit scratched up my back!!
My dreams have taken on a very sexual tone...hmmmm wonder why.
There are some ugly ass people that work at my job... WHY?
Last nite I was chasing the bunnies on the trail...
did I think I was gonna catch one??
Dammit why am I making lists....there goes the fisting.. LOL
It's all your fault Teej... and I was thinking about that shit all day yesterday....
Who enjoys fisting? Looks like it hurts...BAD...
My hair is red again.
My car needs to be cleaned again...
Yesterday I got cussed out like 5 times,,
twice by Frank!
his phone is still shut off...
lol
He called back and apologized
I still didn't turn his phone back on.
What happened to Tevin Campbell.. he used to have some good songs.
I miss Zhane too...
did you ever used to watch Soul Train and pretend you were one of the dancers?
I miss the 90s period...
Especially 93 that was my year...
I'm going to work now...
see what you created Teej... lol lol
It's pretty cold in here and I have my fan on
that makes no sense...
I need to have real sex soon...
oh yea
he's coming this weekend....
I know I know...
maybe it will all work itself out.
I love him.


adding to the list...
I have a big head...
just think if i were "model" skinny
it would be extra big
does beyonce ever look bad
and why haven't i ever seen her on the "bad" day?
I was cussed out 5xs today AGAIN
this time twice by Carolyn
then her partner Anne called and apologized
why do I always get the same people
Chicago customers NEVER pay their bills
LOL hmmmm
they were all from Chicago
farhad was the worst.
i almost cussed back
i didnt take lunch until 3pm..
i was hungry
my head hurt
listening to music while working actually keeps
me calm

Go to bed Cherise!!

Weekends go by too fast. Today I took my kid and his friends to the movies. I had a bad anxiety attack. One things for sure, I'm learning how to Control them. YEs I talked to Aaron today. I will tell ya as the days go on the conversations get more interesting. I haven't decided what I think. He says he loves me, BUT (there's ALWAYS a but) he doesn't want to be with me now. SO, I accept that. I won't force the issue anymore.. it's just done. I need to focus on CHerise and getting Cherise right. I hardly sleep. WHen I do it's interupted with weird dreams. I think I may have some kind of mental illness... maybe It's normal or I'm just a hypocondriac,( I think it's a little of both) I'm going to see a therapists. Bet it doesn't work!! LOL I can't wait til Labor day.. Oh yea, I won't be going Camping.. LOL . LOL

********************** Other news***************************************

My son's first football game is Saturday

I'm glad God still wakes me up even though I'm ungrateful at times

I love my friends.. the ones that KNOW me

Music sucks right now.. I have all old skool playing in my car thanks to My good friend... ((WINK)))

I don't want any animals now....

I wish I wasn't so afraid of stupid things.. like flying..

I miss 1993 BAD!!!

I want to find some of my friends I made as a teenager.....

How come time went by so slow when I was younger and now it seems to fly by....

I may really be crazy,.....

My periods are coming normal ((SIGH)) it's a bittersweet reunion.. LOL


I'm going to bed now..... I think... Maybe... Goodnite... it's 3:15am


I just watched a film about Buffalo's... Dave laughed at me

Now I'm watching a silent film... Dave is still laughing at me


I tried to Nair the hair off of my Vagina ... it burned and I had to jump in the shower with my shirt on... lOL Dave really laughed at that one...

Then I tried to wax it... OUCH!

Dave is still laughing... :(

Who is Dave?? My crazy co-worker who works Graveyard... I keep him awake.. (laugh)


I guess I will go back to shaving... it just takes so long... it still burns


My son is asleep in my bed... that is where I need to be.

Ok I'm going to bed now....

Another Fairy tale gone down the drain....

I knew there would be something keeping him from me.. so when the phone rang and I heard his voice... he didn't have to mention that his alternator went out and that he was walkin' home.. I ALREADY knew he wasn't coming. I'm sitting here alone. I've cried a couple of times. We actually had a conversation and ONCE AGAIN he reiterated how we are NOT going to be together. I cried again... right there in the beauty shop..oblivious to my tears fallin.. the conversations buzzed around me while the smell of oil sheen & burnt hair engulfed my nostrils. I hid beneath the dryer hoping the hot air would soak up my tears. I've listened to all the stories. .... heard all the tales. Over & over everyone keeps telling me TO LET HIM GO! I'm just not ready. He was my prince charming... however uncharming he may have been at times. . ..He still rode the white horse into my life & ran off with my damned glass slipper...
( u know, I'm so fucking talented... what the hell am I doing with my life?) Right now I'm fighting to stay alive.. for ANYONE that KNOWS me listen closely when I say... I'm FIGHTING to STAY ALIVE. Gasping for breath in my dreams...wishing never to wake up from the fantasies that help me get thru my realities. A friend of mine sent me some beautiful CD's... 3 different themes... a sex u up cd... a spiritual cd & a get over his ass now cd!! (LMAO) One song in particular on the Spritual Cd was Janet Jackson's "Lonely" This is an older song from Rhythm Nation 1814.. not too many know about this song ...unless u happen to A. LOVE JANET or B. KNOW AND LOVE MUSIC... for me it's both A &B. Anyhow, I'd been trying to get this song for a minute.. I'd thought I was going to have to go and buy the whole CD, but as it turns out, my great, good buddy, who knows me Oh! so well sent it to me!!! (I love u SOO much for that sir!!) What I'm getting @ is when I was 12 or so.. I used to play this song over and over... singing it.. living it and feeling it.. I was 12 then.. I'm 29 now.. not much has changed.. I think there's my problem.. :/


Here's the lyrics...
P.S. I'm so enjoying these days off Even if I'm alone which is BY CHOICE.





"Lonely"

Feeling so alone and deserted
With people standing all around you
Should I trust someone
Should I stay off to myself
Alone with no one to talk to
It's such a helpless feeling

So anytime you feel the need
Call me when you're lonely
Cause everybody needs a friend
To be there when they're lonely

So don't isolate yourself
Every time that I come around
A person all alone
Is an unhappy one
We need somebody near to love us
Someone who cares
Living life all by yourselves
Impossible to do and I'll be there for you
Anytime you feel the need
Call me when you're lonely
Cause everybody needs a friend
And I'll be yours if you're lonely
(And if you're all alone)
If you're all alone
And a friend you need
Like a river flows
You hurt, I'll bleed
If you can trust in me
We can find a way
Take away the pain
Time heals all things
Even a lonely state of mind
Cause happiness is oh so hard to find
If you're lonely I will be there

So anytime you feel the need
Call me when you're lonely
Cause everybody needs a friend
To be there when they're lonely


and this is how I feel EVERDAY.((SIGH))) No more cutting I promise...

Gimme My Check! lol

Another day another dollar.. Man, I couldn't wait to get my check.. I have so much money... LOL And next check.. WHEW we don't even want to go there. Today is my last day working 6-6:30pm .. at least until Tuesday .. when I come back to work.I plan to get some well deserved rest this weekend.. In between the madness.. lol I'm so sleepy right now.. My crazy ass HAD to stay up to watch Being Bobby Brown. It was funny, but it wasn't funny when the ALARM went off @ 4am!! haha I went right back to sleep and ran out of the house @ 5:05.. Right now I'm sitting in this cold ass office with my Tupac sweater tied around my head like a turban OSama Bin Laden Style....


P.S. he told me he loved me last nite. :)

Asleep or Awake...

These past few days seem surreal. I'm working my ass off! I committed to something and I completed it! I've worked for the last six days ... 12 hr shifts... Tomorrow Night I will sleep. My conversations with Aaron have gotten more civil.. still distant. He is coming here this weekend.. I'm hoping for a positive outcome. I'm focusing on positive... I'm breathing positive.... ((Sigh)) We'll see.

Can it get any worse.

I keep telling myself to smile.. but myself is NOT listening.. So i'm just sitting here looking at my pc.. fighting to stay awake and alive.

I'm practicing my whistle... lol

Oh my ass is so tired I don't have shit to write about.Well, I could always write about my job.. which is pure comedy. I don't know if they intentionally hire the most unattractive/unintelligent people, but when someone on your team looks like this





AND THIS





You have to start to question WTF is going on! Maybe it's a tactic to keep everyone
focused here.. What would be the point to hire anyone half way decent looking or smart? Then that would defeat the purpose of having us run around the office like chickens with our head's cut off trying to explain the most simple terms ... It's time consuming. ..... and some of these people don't smell too nice.. I can't take it.. Even now as I write this i'm making that face... ** You know the one where u hold your top-lip up against your nose as to avoid any wary smells.***

And if u think I'm lying or exaggerating... Stay tuned for the REAL pics... lol lol

I'm tired. I have nothing better to do and laughing is better than being depressed.
I have some new people too.. 4 of them.. one them has a reseding hairline and a crooked eye. And she's not a man. They drive me crazy.
























P.S. This is totally off the subject. But I notice now HE NEVER tells me he loves me anymore. I wonder what that means... ;-/

Same Routine.

It's 6 am. Where am I? At work of course because I have no life at all. Money is the only vice I have left. Last night I fell asleep to the sound of the rain. It was the most peaceful I've been in awhile. I made this human pillow that resembles Aaaron.. (thanks Teej for the idea) it helps. I didn't dream much.. at least there isn't anything that I remember and I only woke up once to use the bathroom. Maybe today will be a good day. I was thinking.. nothing funny ever happens to me anymore. I feel a little worn out.. LONG WEEKEND. ((Sigh))

Razors... Screaming.... Music... Delusions.. It's over!

It's all over now. It's Quiet. Sitting here reflecting back on the last 2 days as if they were a surreal dream. Fast Moving Images play out as my actions. Blood warm running from my wrist... I hear him in the distance..Screaming!! I don't want you! I hate you! He's hurting. I hurt him. I ruined our family. Blood still running.. dripping even... it's loud... like a hammer banging against a wall.. each drip BANG!BANG! BANG! I wonder if he's with her right now. I hate her. I want to kill her. IT's not her fault. I created this situation. BANG! BANG! BANG! I can hear the music. Slowly.. My eyes begin to see that I need you here right with me at all times...My feelings are sooo deep for you That was beautiful. I can still feel the wind carressing my cheek.. the water beneath my feet... the music slow danced with my soul. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I'm screaming now. I can hear someone's voice.. **shaking me** STop fucking shaking me, ok.. I'm OK! I'm OK!
**** No I'm NOT!**** How can U walk away from me? Do u hear me???? ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!! PLEASE. I'M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE. I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU BACK WHAT I TOOK AWAY! It's no use. It's dark now, but I can see a bright light. My eyes are heavy under the pressure... closing fast. I'm trying to focus... can't ... **shaking me*** Stop fucking shaking me!!!!!!!!!! I said I'M OK. It's cold. I'm wet.I'm scared. I wake up in a colorless room. I hate white. It means nothing.It goes nowhere. I close my eyes. I see him there in my mind. The way we used to be for that split second of happiness. I can hear his laughter and feel his touch. I feel safe.
He ALWAYS KEPT ME SAFE. I wonder if he's with her now... cooking her my meals and spending my time.He thinks I'm crazy, well shit, I think I'm crazy! I hate her again. I opened my eyes. WHITE. Arghhh! I have to get out of here. My hands are numb. WHat did I do? This has to be a dream. Here comes the music again. I must be going fucking cookoo....I can't let this love slip away....Please don't go away from me....Damn, it seemed like they were singing directly about my life. How can I make this better? How can I make him see that I'm NOT this liar, slut...crazy person he thinks I am. How can I show him who I am.. beneath this shell of a person. The person who writes and sings and loves the rain. Why can't he see how simple I am underneath all of this complexity..Please don't go away from me.. we can work it out,,,don't go... don't go Damn song keeps playing. Over and over again. I walked away.. probably a bad idea. Too much time on my hands to think. My mind is my worse enemy. It controls my thoughts. *********I'm sure I'm dreaming now. Maybe not.
What happened to my arm. I don't remember the razor. I don't remember! I won't remember. His voice is on my phone. WE're shouting again. Dialtone! CALLS CALLS CALLS.. Redial!!! ANSWER PLEASE>. She's back again.Fuck that bitch. I told her I will kill her. I meant it. No cherise! ******** It's raining now. We talked for hours. At least I think we did. He's my heart. He didn't hear me. I'm sitting here letting my mind control the conversation. My heart is just standing by.. watching pitifully. Give up Cherise. It's over.







.................Cherise J Thomas................................

Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!

I thought we're supposed to get smarter as we age. I think I've gained a lot of insight on many things in my life, but I don't think men is one! Ever since I can remember I've never felt protected. My body has been used and viewed as an object and nothing more. If I think back real hard.. I've probably had 3 boyfriends that KNEW me and loved me.. everyone else just fucked me. As a teenager I can attribute some of my low self esteem and heartache to the life I was being raised in. I never had the support of someone telling me I was good and beautiful. So I went out and got it the only way I knew how... SEX. It was my best friend and my worst enemy. It was like a drug... when engaged in it's rapture I felt like the most beautiful girl... when it ended I felt dirty & ugly.I was infact beautiful, but I NEVER knew. As I grew older life changed. I had a child and became more aware of who I was...


to be continued..

*********Next Day****************

I erased what was here because it wasn't what I was really feeling. I can't front anymore and pretend like I'm strong because I'm not. My manipulative ways got me into this desolate situation.My eyes are puffy & blood shot red. So it's no surprise when I say I've been crying. He was supposed to be here this weekend and he's not here. I'm hurt... I'm mortified.... I'm jealous... I'm bitter. I want to reach out and touch him without him knowing.. Like a ghost...I need to know what is inside of his heart. I can't believe I've driven this man to hate me. Maybe I have. When I'm hurt I'm irrational... I'm confused... I'm ignorant. I'm not this woman that you see here.... Full of life.. intelligent, striving towards excellence... I'm the total opposite. There are always 2 sides to every story so it's only fair that I FINALLY tell his. I made this man feel like dirt... I put my friends ahead of my family and consulted with them first,like he didn't exist. Now I'm cryin. I'm wanting. I didn't appreciate the little things he did because I was much too focused on the bigger things he was unable to do. I was everything I despise.I wasn't the woman he knew before. The woman who loved the botanical gardens.. long walks and bubble baths. I became more concerned about what he had financially and what he wasn't providing. I overlooked so much. This beautiful, black man. Struggling for acceptance in this world...and still being rejected by the one person who should have stood by his side thru rain, sleet or snow. The man who gave me 75% while he took 25%... Instead, I focused on my relentless pursuit to prove him a cheater...a liar.. when that was behind us.. I pushed his buttons until he had nothing left of his manhood. I feel like shit. Now I'm begging and pleading... hoping to reconcile and stop the bickering... but all I hear are the same retorts I gave to him just months ago....
I don't want to be with you!!I don't want to be with you...It's over !! Move on... Get out!! How can I have the audacity to be sad... or hurt. I fell to the ground today and cried. Can you hear me god?

SOme more bullshit...

A lot of times I wonder about the people I call friends or even associates. This job being of my main concern. I have co-workers here who are cool.. we talk, laugh and even hang out beyond this job. But lately I'm noticing how shady people really are. Tricia is someone who has smiled in my face since I worked here... she used to be in our escalations dept and just recently got promoted to a Supervisor. She's a hispanic girl, 22 (looks 32) and she has a black boyfriend, thus she portrays herself as such. I never had an issue with her. She is close with Willie too. Today I seen how much of a 2 faced bitch she really is! Last nite she made a comment about Christian.. (another co-worker, who was living with Willie and Nakia) He left on Wednesday to go back to Arkansas... we all KNEW he wasn't coming back, but she made it a point to bring it up as to get info. Now, she is a sup and with this new position her attitude has changed. No longer does she eat lunch with us or even converse with us except after hours when all of the big wigs are gone. She proceeded to ask me was he coming back I said I don't know if he is or isn't. Today I get an email from Nakia telling me that it is no one business but Chris's if he comes back or not.. see the job has no idea. I was hot! First of all, I didn't tell anyone he wasn't coming back & Second of all I don't want nor need this petty bullshit in my life!! So I had to calm myself.. QUICKLY!! I was ready to cuss her ass out and go home. I've been here since 6am for the past 2 days ... I'm tired.. hungry.. tired...tired...and don't give a fuck about some raggedy ass Vegas BITCH (ok that's the Compton side of me coming out.. lol ) I maintained my cool.. walked it off and calmed down. This job is becoming more and more remisicent of High School everyday! The older I get .. the more it seems as if we repeat our history in different phases of our lives.. That is comedy.

Some bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I feel like motha fucca's get over on me,, Now I could just be on some fuck a nigga type, ghetto shit today because i'm tired, I've been here @ work since 6am, my throat is extra dry and I have a long ass ride home.. Just thought I'd share that.. No need for any other details..........................

Church on Sunday....

So I sat next to Joseph Wiley... I was so excited.. I was so happy.. he smiled at me. We briefly exchanged glances..said Hi and Bye... It was cool. Church was off the hook.. I really had a good time.. it was such a nice show.. So I just wanted to share that!

Ecstasy Part ll

I thought of you in between heartbeats.
Each Rhythm reminiscent of your thrusts hitting
that place blind to the naked eye;
Our Blood Flowing methodically while
mind blowing songs echo through-out
my dancin ecstasy;
Lustful communications slipped
from my lips as you
entered the conversation...
It was too deep for me..
Can we take back a step or two?
Slow song ends and the
silence reveals what's really true.
HE was NOT you....
Ecstasy Part ll....

Last nite.... ((Sigh))

I guess I shouldn't feel bad for anything That I do now that I'm Single...
I hung out last nite with a guy I met about 2 yrs ago. I've talked to him on and off..but nothing really sparked.. I just feel like it doesn't get any better than Aaron. I know I have to move on..but it's difficult. Everytime I try to let someone get close to me I feel guilty... I feel lost.. and last nite I cried..I wanted my man so bad... I was sick!!!! Well, I will tell you now that I KNOW I'm just not cut out for this dating stuff right now!!! **********************************************************

I went to church tonite.. it was cool. Joe wasn't there. I was hoping to see him so I get a small conversation going with him.Anyway, I'm going to bed ...ALONE!

P.S. BTW... I changed my hair.. went for a more Urban look..Take a look

God Spoke to me tonite...

I had the most amazing experience tonite. After work I went to my co-workers home to get my feet done. While at her home I met her father, Ed. A Belizian man of about 60 but looked about 20 yrs younger(that's those good genes). Anyhow, he was a wise man with a lot to talk about. When I finished with my feet I went into her kitchen to have a conversation with him. He commented on what a pretty girl I was.. he mentioned that a lot of men like Buxon girls.. LOL I thought that was very cute.. But the conversation turned from pleasant small talk... to soul reaching depths. He asked me to sit down and then it was like he opened my heart. He seen straight thru all that was hidden.He talked about letting go of the past and forgiving all my past hurts... He spoke candidly about being a positive person and reaching for your goals. He told me that I need to take a piece of paper and list all the things I want and I'm striving for whether in a man or in my personal life. He then told me I needed to recite these things everyday for the next 30 days. After 30 days I should see a drastic change.. and then again for another 30 days. I remember something very distinctive that he said... "You can't soar with eagles if you hang out with turkeys" I didn't reveal anything personal about myself or my life's struggles, but HE KNEW me.. he knew I was hurting.. he knew I'd been living in the past... hoping to repair the future.. It was so amazing to hear him speak to me.. So here is my first list...


1.Finish and publish my first book of poetry

2.sing

3.believe in myself

4.Love myself

5.give to my son a positive support system

6 Save $5 from every check starting tomorrow

7.Work on my novel at least 4 xs a week

8.surround myself with positive people

9.forgive all that have hurt me in the past

10.Remember that I'm beautiful no matter my size

Music is my Soul....

I finally got sound on my PC thanks to Darrell (( big shout out to Da Man!! for hooking a sista up!!) Anyway, I KNOW I said I wasn't going to do the sad songs, but I had to make one more cd.. Just for on the way to work... So here's the playlist..


Troop "All I do is think of you"

Babyface "Everytime I close my eyes

Betty Wright "No PAIN no GAIN" ( good one!!)

Case "Happily Ever After" ( I wish)

Freddy Jackson " Have you ever loved somebody"

Karyn White "superwoman"

RFTW "Slide OVer"

SWV "Anything"

Tevin Campbell "Can We talk"

Tevin Campbell "Shh"

Toni B/Babyface "There's no YOu without ME"

NEw Edition " If it isn't love"

Betty Wright "Tonite"

Boyz II Men "Uhh Ahh" Part 1 & 2

Boyz II Men "Lonely Heart" ( Ya'll ain't know!!)

Bobby Brown "Roni"

RFTW "Gently"

BTW.. I can't sleep again... (( SIGH))



til next time...

Take a Stance & stick to it!

He's told me this 1000 times. Well, I think I need to do it! I've said this before, but today I mean it!! Really. No more sad songs.. No more pleading ( I may cry from time to time) BUT I'm moving on with my life. I can't say I'll STOP loving him or needing him.. or wanting him... but I'm moving on. I'm going to live like I don't need him or love him or want him. It will be the best acting job of my life! LMAO Hopefully, time will heal these wounds that are fresh and burning like someone's thrown salt on them. I'm going to push all the thoughts out of my mind of other women or wondering what he is doing... I'm going to focus on Football.. Exercising and Homework... My son starts the league next week.I'm excited!!! I won't focus on the lonely nites. Instead, I will go out and buy a body pillow (Thanks Teej for the Idea :).. ) and sleep with that. There are so many positive things in my life to look forward to. Most importantly I will write... and heal myself. I didn't know how beautiful I was until I looked at myself from behind the glass.

Late nite confessions..

Today was NOT a good day, but I tried to make the best of it. Not only did I cry twice today, but I think I'm getting a cold or something because my throat is sore. This weather is all messed up. It's raining.. it's humid.. it's windy,it's hot...Mother Nature needs to make up her mind as do I! LOL I know I keep reiterating how difficult this break up is.. and I've been analyzing my own self destruction. I'm trying.. I SWEAR I'M TRYIN. I WANT TO GET HIM OUT!! It's like he's crawling in my soul & flowing thru my blood. I've never loved like this and I've only lost like this once in my life. I asked him if he wanted me to go away... I was so hurt today. I pretended like I was strong. I wished him away & resorted to my typical reactions when I'm not getting my way. He didn't respond.. with each day passing.. it's becoming more evident that I've lost him. It will only be when I admit it to myself that I will essentially move on with my life and grow out of his shadow. I was introduced to very nice man. 30yrs old, down south native, employed, ect...I went out with him on Friday. In my mind I never gave him a chance. When he sent a salutation this morning... I was quick to dismiss it.. then I thought twice, so I agreed to see him later on after work. I'm glad I did. He's a gentlemen and I appreciate his concern and understanding of my feelings..

Goodnite All.



P.S. The answers... HE knows who I'm referring to...

1. I'm losing weight and as the weight comes off so does the insecurities..

2. My son is and always will be my #1 priority. HE is my life

3.I'm still learning to enjoy life.. I'm still learning to enjoy me.

4. Still working on that too

Unfounded Expectations...

It's all my fault.. thinking that bringing him here would change everything. He meaning Aaron. I was going to bring him here for the weekend.We've had some pretty ggood conversations and we both miss each other like crazy ( not to mention I haven't had sex since March... he says the same, but I doubt it.) I had some reservations about this because he told me he didn't have ANY money. I know he works and supposedly he is bringing in more than me and I pay out WAY more than him. $800 for rent.. $277 for my car.. $118 for insurance.. NOT including my utilities...and I still have money left...But anyway, I said I would pay for his gas. Something inside of my soul is telling me that it ain't right. The way he talks to me.. or doesn't talk to me.. all these women online.. ( I still know) I'm lost. BUT, when I think about it honestly, logically, truthfully.... I'm being selfish. I don't want him to be with anyone else. I don't want to let him go. I don't want to move on. I want to stay right where I am .. where it's comfortable. I understand that is NOT where I belong.

My bed...

I'm off today because I took it off like 2 months ago.. I do that from time to time... We all need 3day weekends. In my case, I worked 92 hours last pay period (which ended on Friday) I DESERVE today off. Anyway, I finally got a new bed and it's ohhhhhh so comfortable! I slept better last nite than I have in months!! So, right now I'm naked and I'm going to get dressed and go outside.. Enjoy the sunshine!! IT's beautiful today. Yea, it's been 6 months since I've had any physical contact with a man... ((( SIGH)))) I'm starting to feel the ramifications... ahhhh...