Too Many Issues to Name just ONE!

This week started off hectic! I was in the doctor's office yesterday because I felt like BLAH!! Low potasium, low calcium... Now I'm being sent for a CAT scan of my brain tomorrow. I am a lil scared of the dye injection and the whole scenario, but at least it will rule out anything dire... and I can focus on what's really wrong with me. I'm was extremely tired and got some well deserved sleep. Now onto the real dumb shit ***** My son is down in Cali with my sister & family. Now everytime he is down there we have some kind of issue. My family seems to think that he always has an attitude when that is just the way he is. Now, please don' t think that I am one of those parents that feel their kid never does wrong because I'm not !!! But I KNOW my family, I was tormented for years with my surpressed feelings. I don't want the same thing happening to my son. He is entitled to his feelings and I will not let my mother nor my sister make him feel inadequate! Well, I'm really busy today so I will be back later to write about everything in detail.

Direct TV...

I've finally learned the price we pay for renting.. Sure it's cheaper and more convenient, but there is truly nothing like your own. Anyhow, my sister, Jessica works for Direct TV. After completing 90 days of probation
at her job we are given the opportunity to experience satelitte ( I hope I spelled that right) TV at it's best... Now u know I've been anticipating this forreal!! Why? One reason only: No more cable bill!!! I could care less about the 500 zillion channels they offer... I only care about saving the money. Do ya blame a sista? That's $70 bucks a month in my pocket. AND believe me I could sure do a lot with $70 bucks!! Can anyone say SHOP! LOL So I was a bit perturbed when the technician came today & said that our patio was not pointed in the line of sight to receive the signal. Ain't that a bitch.... lol The apartment complex in which I live politely advised me that I couldn't put it anywhere else. Time to start looking for a house... SOON!

I love LA....

I went on a turn around to Los Angeles on Wednesday night returning this morning around 2am. I had to take my son to the doctor as well as handle some other business. For the past year or so I've really dreaded going home. There are so many bad memories, but yesterday was soo different. I didn't have not one panic attack! Now I could attribute this to my extreme sleep deprivation. lol I really enjoyed just being home in the ghetto... $10 pedicures... Low riders.. rims spinning.. Kids running down the street to the corner store. I savored every moment of it. Vegas is so much different. I appreciate how I am able to live here, but I can never forget where I came from and what I had to go thru to get here... And if I ever had to go back... there would be no problem in doing so.

I lost my inspiration....

I was intially going to blog about my convo with my cousin tonite. But it is hot as hell and I have the hiccups. Now I, the writer is at a loss for words. I can't rid of these damned hiccups and it's driving me crazy. I'm also so hot I feel like I'm melting. Dammit!!! Anyway, I had a 3 hr convo with my cousin, Saraan. To make a long story short this has been my dog for years. She was there when I was going thru it all! She told me tonite how proud she was of me. As I listened to her speak about her own unfortunate situations she has dealt with I realized how grateful I should be for all my experiences good and bad. They have made me into this really strong woman. She told she wasn't like me... and I felt ...well I felt selfish for a small moment. Anyone who knows me, knows what I have been thru.. but here is someone who's had it bad, but not nearly as bad as I did, but she is worse off... that's IRONIC.. I think... damned hiccups...

BREATHE CHERISE BREATHE....

This has been the longest weekend of my life. Well, at least in my most recent life.. lol I had company from out of town this weekend. A long time friend, Terri of whom I've known almost 20 yrs of my life. Now she is a great friend, but everyone has their faults. Her's being that she is a complainer...I mean about everything!! IF the kids fight she is ready to go...if someone said something to her 5 yrs ago she remembers and she let's u know she remembers. The reason I'm bringing all of this up is b/c I have another friend, Trechelle. Her and Terri were friends in the past. I've known Terri much longer and when Trechelle and I became friends...me being Cherise, tried to bring everyone together as one big happy group... for awhile it worked... (notice I said for awhile) Anyhow, a few years back there was a rumor that Terri was bi-sexual. I don't know who said it and I don't care. However, it came back that Trechelle said it. Well, Terri has never gotten over it. To some degree Terri is very cold. She doesn't have any feelings for other's not in her inner circle. Trechelle on the other hand doesn't hold grudges, although she has her faults too. Over the years I have been there for Trechelle probably more than some of my own sisters. She is like a sister to me.. I love her children and I was devasted when her younger son died last August. I was there when he took his last breath.. I am always there. A lot of my friends and family resent that. Trechelle and I have a lot in common. Trechelle is friendly, outgoing and very easy to talk to, but she is also very irresponsible at times (as we all are periodically) but she stands out a lot because she is ALWAYS going thru some type of drama...mostly because of her own mistakes. I recently had to make a decision to step away and let her be on her own. That was hard for me. I've also acquired new friends, all of whom are gay. Trechelle doesn't relate well to that. She doesn't even know that I am bi. That is one subject I have never touched bases on with her. The reason being b/c I don't feel comfortable doing so. Anyhow, when I had Terri here this weekend I figured I would get some flack and boy did I !! Trechelle decided out of the blue that she wanted to come to Willie's party. I didn't even bother inviting her b/c she #1. didn't care for Willie and #2. She doesn't make it a habit to hang out with gay people. That would be like me taking Aaron to the party... LMAO.. Now, there were all types of people there, but there was mainly gay MEN.. and u know how they get down.. there were strippers and all that.. lol BUT back to my issues... Terri doesn't like Trechelle. She feels she uses me and takes advantage of me.... Trechelle really doesn't care for Terri, but has tolerated her over the years. I moved here to Vegas with Trechelle, so I think that made Terri feel even more alienated.... Now that Terri has become a part of my inner circle and my "other" friends love her... Trechelle feels left out... So how do I feel??? Like a rubberband...if they pull any harder I'm going to snap. This weekend I had to duck and dodge my friend...and listen to this one complain about this and that one complain about that. Yesterday I was at my wits end with everyone. So I just kept everyone seperate, but that's not much fun. I wish Black Women could get along, but we all know how we are at times...((Sigh)) Oh well********************************************************************************************************* I seen Joe yesterday... Why does he have a new car exactly like mine.. I really can't stand him. I missed a good movie b/c of him & I don't even know why. I just can't breathe when I see him. Aaron and I had a little arguement yesterday. Maybe he doesn't understand that I miss him... I need him.. I love him and I'm horny.. lol I know he has to do what he has to do..I've already accepted that... I wish he could just accept me for who I am and stop trying to make me out to be something I am not. Well, I am very sleepy... I just ate so I'm not hungry anymore and I'm irritable, so I guess I will end this now... PEace

Too Many Parties... There's Joe... Other misc. Bullshit!

Omg today is Sunday and I feel like shit. Not only have I been to 2 seperate parties this weekend, I had to endure Joe's presence thru-out one of them....Ohhh that was hard. I wanted to hug him and laugh with him... and all I could do was cry. I couldn't even get on my phone for too long because the dumb thing died..(Sorry Teej) ...I called Aaron hoping for some type of reassurance,but that only irritated me even more. So I drank & drank ...until my emotions were literally on my sleeve. I tried so hard to stay out of his way. Making him aware that I am in no way trying to rain on his parade as he would like people to believe. I did a good job, but I didn't have fun at all. Friday was real cool. I was able to dance & have a blast with all of my friends. I don't know what it is about Mr.Wiley, but whenever he is near I feel like I can't breathe... I didn't think it would be so hard...but it was!!! I guess I just miss my friend...shit I miss everything about him. He was looking very nice too.
SO, Joe I hope u appreciated my staying out of your way... I miss our friendship & I love you very much.
****************************************************************

Back to work tomorrrow....blah blah blah.
*********************************************************
A couple of days last week Aaron & I had some very deep conversations.
I was contemplating the long distance thing, but after some thought I've come to realize that it is just over with us. There is absolutely no way I trust him there or believe that he hasn't either A. Hooked up with Brandy ( the infamous ex) or B. Fucked someone new. He says he is not looking for a relationship or sex, but I KNOW AARON. He can hardly go days without sex or other means of gratification. Why would I believe that he is now??? Plus we have the trust factor.... He's cheated almost everytime he's been in LA. So, that ex's that out. I am very proud of him though. He's working and doing something he likes. I'm sure he will meet someone that can appreciate all of his good qualities. Or he will just end up with that bitch Brandy. ( Yea I'm jealous & bitter) LMAO

****************************************************************

I learned something this weekend. I am actually beautiful ....
* * No I didn't realize it before* *
Sure, I know I have a pretty face, but I spend a lot of my time downing myself b/c I am a little overweight.... I never gave myself a chance to be beautiful just because... I've stereo-typed myself...lol I've been living in this box of what is supposed to be beautiful and I Was soo wrong. When I was out this weekend my personality exuded confidence... so many men were coming up to me complimenting how beautiful I was
*** Not cute***lol j/k....
It made me think of Aaron... he used to say I was beautiful, but I never believed him.. I do now. So, I think I will try the dating game ... I truly don't want to, but I feel I have to...it's the only way that I will know where my heart lies....
Have a good one.....

Gansta Impersonators?

I seen some funny ass shit tonite... Now, I'm taking my walk right. . . Stolling along minding my business, I decide to go take a rest in a grassy field. While I'm sitting there stretching and watching my son play basketball, I notice a group of white kids... probably about 16-19 yrs old, all male. They had on bandana's, one glove each and some tight ass muscle shirts . One of them had on a pair of Loc sunglasses (aka Easy E, lol) I watched them as they made their way thru the field resembling a grittier version of the BackStreet Boyz. The leader was a short, stocky bald kid. He was rapping. I kid you not!! "All a nigga really need is a lil bit" type of shit... I wasn't even offended, simply amused. I laughed so hard that they turned around and look down at me. I'm thinking to myself, amongst my amusement....These idiots have no idea what they are mocking or attempting to portray. I grew up with killers. I watched friends kill friends over colors, money & street recognition. I have countless "homies" buried in unmarked graves, some sitting in cells without a hope for a ray of sunshine anytime soon.... How can they be so ignorant as to think that being a gangsta is cool....Wow, and we have commercialized Hip Hop? Anyway, it was funny in a dark sorta way...

Working it out...

I don't want to be a part of the big gurl team anymore.. I'm learning that everything is OK in moderation.. I walk a mile everynite and I haven't cheated yet.. I'm eating breakfast every morning and taking my vitamins. I even have a 2 week pass to Gold's Gym. Hey, I'm trying. I'm NOT sayin I want to be skinny, but I'm definitely not happy with what I look like now.... I don't want to be stuck in this body. I know I have a choice. I'm remaining patient and hoping to reap the benefits of my hardwork. Eventually I will work my way back up to 2 miles and maybe more.Everybody cheer me on!!! PLEASE>. I need all the encouragement I can get.

Hmmm...

Have u ever worked somewhere and knew someone was shady, but there was nothing u could do about it? Ohhh I'm changing my ways please believe it.. It's hard to look at work and say it's just a job, go there and not talk to anyone and ignore the gossip... WHY? Because we spend 90% of our lives @ work, on the way to work or leaving WORK! lol Ya'll know I'm fighting with my and Id and my Superego right now.. Haha.. Well, I am just going to TRY to be as professional as POSSIBLE. Letting my intelligence overtake any ignorance that may seep out in the midst of the drama... but I'm telling you Herb better leave me the fuck alone...That's real and my team too! LOL

A letter to my Baby Daddy...

Dear Len,

It's been almost 10 yrs to the day that we had our son. HE has grown so much in many ways. Lately I've been thinking about all of my regrets & mistakes long gone in the past. I used to think you were one of them! We were 2 kids back then... me 18 & u 21...too young to care or realize how our nights of careless passion could bring our irresponsibilities to a screeching halt! It's true I never loved you. If I had, I would've fought harder for you instead of letting you walk away. I want you to know I didn't have our son to keep you or trap you into creating some instant family. I was smart even in my younger, immature days. I wanted a chance to have love, unconditional love, but what I never realized was that I was the one who needed to provide it. I remember the day our son entered the world... I was tired. I was happy. I was scared. I looked at him and made so many promises that I've yet to keep. I didn't want him to ever feel unwanted or unloved. Truth is as the years have passed so have those promises. There has been several days when I didn't think I could do it.. when I didn't want him here.. when I was so angry at him I thought I would really hurt him. YOU WERE NO WHERE AROUND. See, u copped out of this deal a long time ago. And I let u go. Now I have to account for my every mistake... my every statement. I was angry! I was hurt. I can't look at my son and tell him I loved you or u me... he was made out of love. That hurts me. I think I have tried to do the best I can at being a mom, but I haven't been the best. I have beat myself up for years trying to make some sense of my clouded soul... now I realize what I need to say and what I need to do. See, I may have made many mistakes... I may have said and done things I shouldn't have...the difference is I HAVE DONE SOMETHING. I have been here.. while you have been, well... where have u been? It's been 2 yrs since you've seen your son. WHY? I let you go a long time ago. WE have no personal bonds or issues that prevent us from getting along. My door has always been open to u and never once have I made it difficult for u to be a part of his life... What I need to know is...what did that baby ever do to u or me? Doesn't he deserve the best of everything? How could we have been so selfish in making a decision..not realizing the effects of our own stupid acts.... Sometimes I wish I would have given him to someone that could give him everything I haven't been able to give... but then I look at him running down a field catching a football... I watch him asleep at nite AND I'm still amazed at what grew inside of me... When I am angry with him I know now it's because I'm scared of losing him... because without him there would be no me... I can't say the same for you. I'm sorry WE didn't fit into your plans... But being a father doesn't stop because your not there... it just means your a father, but your never there. Sad thing is he still adores you like a sports icon... he looks up to who he THINKS you are... u have no idea who he is at all... I need u to tell u I'm not angry anymore. He's been lucky enough to have a father figure step in where u left off..

Thanks for my joy,
Cherise

So many tears.

Where do I begin. It's seems fairly insignificant now to mention the absurd quarrel Willie & I had last night. Especially when you take into account that my cousin, Rob is battling stage 2 stomach Cancer @ 27 yrs old.This happens to be one of my dearest cousins...One whom has the most in common with me... Us being the black sheeps of the family. We grew up together.. Played together as children.. Had our children a year apart from one another.. Went against every moral obligation our parents threw at us to be individuals.. We both love hard & fall even harder. I can relate to his pain... SO when my grandma told me that he was sick I knew he was in trouble. I knew this could be used as an excuse or even a ploy to die... because like him, I suffer from extreme depression at times...almost to the point of suicide....I didn't sleep much last night. How selfish are we. Willie and I yelled and screamed at each other last nite like we were strangers... throwing accusations and making hurtful comments...for what??? I don't even know.. something that was so small I can't even recall what started it. I'm worried for my cousin,... I'm worried for myself. If my cousin dies... Well,... I can't say how I will feel or what I will do. I'm learning valuable lessons young, but do I really want to learn them at someone else's expense? WE are supposed to be happy and living life to the fullest in our youth...all I have seen in my youth is death & destruction. How can I live from that. I know there are others much, much worse off than me financially or even emotionally... but all I can relate to is me and what I'm going thru.somehow that seems selfish to me as well... last nite I went home and I called the only person I could think to call... the only person that could make me feel safe, Aaron. HE listened to me for about 45 minutes...he never judged or even made a comment on anything I said. He just listened. I needed that and I needed him.

Guess what I did....

I was on my way to the park... ya know to walk... So, I stop @ the gas station to get some water and gas. On my way in I see the homie 22 & 17...then 3 jumps out and starts talking to me..( yes their names are numbers...don't ask!! lol) I'm in the store I pay for $30 worth of gas.. then I walk out talking totally forgetting that I'd just bought gas.. I drive away to the park... Ahhhhhhhhhhh! After my walk i glance down at my now Below E gauge... I raced right back to the gas station... Now the fucker doesnt want to give me my gas or my money back...Wtf??? I don't have $30 on hand again to pay for gas... I am hot right now.. I wanted to slap his non-english speaking, indian pakastanian ass...BUT I will wait until the manager is there tomorrow....

Sleepy

I am going to bed. I worked out tonight... and I'm hungry! Thanks Chris Banks for the conversation on food... I really appreciate it... Now go make a cake for one of your hunnies.. LMAO Chris Banks the baker? lol (( still laughing at that one))

I used to love my job....

Ever since that altercation with Herb I have felt uncomfortable here. My manager left last Friday & my supervisor went Awol... lol But when I come in here I feel fatigued and bored...and I feel like I have to watch my back. I don't trust anyone.. I am not comfortable talking to the new manager. Besides the fact that he is a man, I really don't know him that well. So I talked to HR which was what I was trying to avoid..... But I truly feel squimish working with this man... I can't desrcibe it. I think I have worked hard to get where I am & I want to continue to do so to move forward. Maybe I should just move departments... ??? I don't know. Aaron & I got into an arguement last nite. It was silly... once again who's @ fault.... me.... Why? Because I am too insecure... that is why. And no matter what the depth of my love is for him, I can't get passed this road block I have in my mind.... I will let it go...

Scardy Cat!!!

Funny how things change, but actually remain the same. I went on a field trip with my son's class to Hoover Dam today. I wasn't actually supposed to go, but my son's asthma had been acting up so it was either make him stay home or go with & keep an eye on him. I tried to look at it as an adventure, but it was anything but that. Imagine being on a bus with 50 screaming 10 yr olds. Sound fun? Well it's not!! LOL I remained as calm as possible...Keep in mind I am afraid of heights & I am clastrophobic... 2 things that generally don't mix. I had my work cut out for me. The drive was about 40 minutes and by the time we got there my nerves were already frazzled. We headed down to start the tour at which time I'm advised that we will be going 500 feet below into a tunnel where the generators are located. Ok this is when my tour ended.. LMAO. I was not, I REPEAT NOT GOING UNDERGROUND ANYWHERE WITH A BILLION GALLONS OF WATER FLOWING ABOVE. I remained up on the observation deck patiently waiting for the class to arrive. Approx. 15 miuntes later the elevator opens and here they come pouring out like tiny red ants scrambling for food. I was designated 6 boys (including my own son) that I was supposed to keep occupied for 45 minutes until it was time to leave. We walked and looked over the railing...my head spinning as I realized how high I actually was.. We took pictures & looked around the gift shop... I was SOOOO glad when it was time to go home... I've never been more happier in my life to go to WORK. Although I'm a big scardy cat... I did ok and I didn't embarrass my son in the process..

Since when?

I walked my little heart out tonight... really I did... I did a mile and half and my legs huuuuuuuuuurrrrrtttttt. LoL After my workout I had to take MarQuin to the grocery store to get a lunch for his field trip. ( U know how black people do it... bag of doritos,sanmich & a soda..don't forget in the plastic grocery bag...now DATS OLE SKOOL...lol Thank god for Lunchables now... ahah) Anyhow, I'm walking thru the store and all of the sudden I end up on the liquor isle... Mind you, I NEVER buy alcohol, but for some odd reason I picked up some wine coolers. Came home popped one open and I am shooo feeling nice. :) I come from a long line of alcoholics so I better be careful. Just thought I'd share that with whom ever cares. Right about now there is not much I do care about except my son.

Changing...

I haven't been myself as of late. I am quiet...withdrawn...and maybe even depressed. I feel like I am intentionally ostricizing myself from my friends... I took my walk last nite this time taking my son and his friend... Although they didn't walk with me, I didn't feel as alone as I did the nite before. I went home & took a long hot bath. I needed that. I turned my cell off because I didn't want to take any calls. What's wrong with me? My soul is just heart broken.

The Walk. . .

I started my walking again last night. I've lost about 7 lbs but I am far from happy with the reflection in the mirror. I think I am gross. LOL I used to walk about 2 miles every night and I was really on track until my nephew died, then I just stopped being consistent. Lately I've been walking sporadically..here and there... So I made a pact with myself last nite that I would start again and work towards my goal of at least a 40 lbs weight loss. I am striving for that. So I journeyed to my favorite trail...the one where "we" used to walk. Immediately I noticed all of the couples. Walking, running and laughing. I felt so sick inside. I am NOT supposed to miss him... I keep telling myself I am better off without him..the yelling and the fighting were weighing down my soul. Everything is quiet now...too damn quiet!! So I walked. Alone. I missed him for the first time since we officially broke up.. I missed his silly jokes about me and his voice.. I missed my hand lost in his ... I missed my man. The good man that I once knew underneath all of the hurt and yelling..pain and disappointment. I walked alone for an hour last nite... watching the couples. I didn't even once pick up my cell to make a call. I just listened to the sounds around me & pretended that he was there with me.. protecting me... like he used to. I never loved him more than what I did last nite. It's sad really...because with a little hard work and compromise from us both ( maybe some counseling,too) we could have made it. He doesn't even know that I could be carrying his baby. Why should I bother him... it's over, right? Anyway, he is where he needs to be. Without me. I love u, Aaron,

Burned Out!!

I am really getting tired of buying food and coming home to nothing to eat. My sister is here most of the time and all she gives me is $250 a month..where else can u live for $250 a month. The point of me making it so cheap for her was so that she could save her money and get her own place! She has no car ..no kids..nothing but a cell to pay for ... so how come she never has any money? I will tell you why. She has a 30 something year old man in Cali who she sends money.... I mean where else could $1200 a month be going to???? I don't get it. I buy all the soap... I buy all the food... I buy every fucking thing in here. And if I didn't buy food then my son would have nothing to eat. I am just getting tired. I got up today and I had to clean up behind her. My kitchen was a mess. The living a room a mess. I have to wash mine and Quin's clothing, clean my bathroom and get ready for work tomorrow. Not to mention I just spent $200 bucks getting my car out of the shop. I just don't have money like that... It's getting old and I am almost at the last straw... ((SIGH))) You just can't help anyone nowadays...

Last Straw!!!

I haven't written all week. I have been busy working @ trying to get my team together. My manager's last day is today & so is another co-worker's. There were 2 different parties going on, so when I came to work today I was in a great mood. I slept ok, no nightmares. You know I'm working up to something, right? lol Lemme explain: Well, today I donned a pink tank top and pink and blue jeans to match. Nothing out of the ordinary for work since we have no official dress code. It's 105 degrees outside. I have a jacket for the office because it stays cold in here.When I arrived at work I noticed a few of my other co-worker's with spagetti strap type of tops. They had been here since 6am. Still no second thoughts. I go through my usual routine...walk back where the Sup's are to change my skillset and prepare for work. One sup in particular, Herb was watching me. Now I used to be cool with him. He has a tendancy to be a little sexual towards me, but I always ignore it. This man has a history of making sexual advances towards women here. Anyway, he has been on me hardcore since I became a lead. Even going as far as making little nasty statements about my gay friends. So I stopped talking to him. Now things have escalated. The subject of the dress code came up today, but like I previously stated it is never enforced. I was speaking to my Sup and I made a comment about how there are 2 sups here until 6:30 and they should enforce the dress code. I am a lead not a sup... So Herb turns around and says if u have something to say to me then just say it, don't talk around it... then the fire works began... He was yelling at me and I WENT OFF... AHHhhuhhhaaaaaa!! No motha fucca that is not related to me yells at me...and then he kept on with this " You don't know who u are talking to" Nigga who are you? Ohhh I swear I forgot I was @ work... My Nakia had to grab me b/c I almost hit his ass with a chair. My manager calmed me and I told on his nasty ass. I will not let him ruin my day. NOT!! These people are so messy. You can't trust anyone.