You know the saying," If you love someone, let it go and if they don't come back then they were never yours to begin with..." yada,yada or something like that??? Well, I have this friend, Joe...I know I've mentioned him briefly in a few previous posts...Anyhow, I have been in love with this man for about 3 yrs. I say in love, meaning feeling some of the deepest love I've ever felt for another person. When I say "In love" I don't mean romantically... I'm referring to the person that he is. I first met Joe in 2001 after I moved to Vegas from Cali. We became friends fast. Soon I was spending all of my time with this man. I began to trust him with secrets unknown to most. I took him home to my family and I found myself in constant need of him. I depended on him for my own happiness...and in turn I smothered our friendship. About a year or so into the friendship he stopped speaking to me for about 5 months.I swear to you this was the longest five months of my life. It's extremely difficult to articulate the depth of my feelings for him. I will just say it, shit...He's gay and I can never have him!! He lied to me for a long time never admitting what other's whispered about. I continued to inquire about his sexuality to a point of no return. After our 5month hiatus we mended the fences and I'd thought put all of that behind us. I'd long given up any hope of "us" being anything more than friends... (by this time I was involved with Aaron) Recently, Joe has stopped talking to me again. We'd had some disagreements about a mutual friend...that had nothing to do with our friendship. I've also become close with 2 of his mutual friends who happen to be gay. I believe that has caused some conflict. Also, I think there is something he is not telling me. He refuses to sit down and discuss anything with me. He changed his telephone number about a month or so ago and hasn't furnished me with the new one. So what should I do? It's not easy to walk away from him. The only difference between now and then is I don't need nor depend on him any longer to validate me. I am fine being alone. (ask aaron) What I need is a conclusion...an answer. THE TRUTH. Why is that so hard? I've sent countless emails only to receive vague replies. So am I selling myself short by holding onto this person whom seems to not give 2 fucks about me? I don't want to believe that this could be true... I KNOW this man inside and out, but then again, now that I think about it...do I REALLY know him at all? It seems as though everything I'd thought I knew about him was untrue. Is it me who is the culprit and the bearer of my own burdens..or am I due some explanation? Why aren't I good enough I think? But I am (i'm sayin this outloud right now) Who the fuck is he... (arrogant) yet beautiful... (asshole) but he can be so beautiful when he wants... (still an asshole) indescribably BEAUTIFUL. Joe knows his effect on me...he knows my heart better than I do. So why he is holding it over of my head like a limp puppet begging to be brought to life?
I still miss him. I'm soooo ANGRY. I want to scream at him...(i need to hold him ) I want to shake him...( i need to hear his voice)
In my mind I still can't live w/o him... (am I accepting defeat?)
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Randon Idioms. . . Joe!!
Well im not going to say anthing about that topic except...Girlfriend if a friend tells u that they are not gay as a friend u accept that and leave it alone...he may not see himself as gay...bi...or none of them he may see himself as just Joe...If that is ur friend that u should, shouldve, and need to refer to him as Joe no matter what...No matter whos talking he Joe he's none of those sexual characteristics that u have put him in his a man and thats it. Never do that to a friend. Try that its not to late..and as a friend dont let ne one say he's what he claims he isnt...let him be just ur friend and just Joe after all thats all u wanted him to be ne way right..FriendJoe thats it right...If u ever get another chance let him be that nothing else. by Poetic Justice....wait i feel a chill in my soul...im feeling like it was not coincidence that im reading these its suppose to happen this way...im suppose to tell u these things...ur suppose to listen...Im not asking u to accept a lie if thats what he told u..im asking u to accept him and who he is to u...respect him and u will be ok..dont make him out to be something thats he is not...Maybe he dont want to be what or who he is and hes working with that mentally...Maybe when he needed a friend to accept JOE u was busy trying to find GAY JOE...While at the same time he accepted u for u and never looked at u different for who or what u are...he never ever looked for what was not revealed to him.
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