April 01, 2005
Keeping it real...
I was having this conversation with Aaron today and yea I was being a little bitch. Why? Because I was sitting at work just looking at his name lit up on my trillian and I became angry. I'm thinking to myself, "Who the fuck does he think he is?". He literally walked out on US and our family... and then he has the nerve to place the burden right ontop of my shoulders. Correct me if I'm wrong, but "relationship" means more than one person right? Then ontop of all the name calling, threats, damage to my property, cheating and lying he has the nerve to get mad when I write about a man I've only been chatting with for a week. And that is not to make light of the situation. See, there have been incidents in the past where Aaron has cheated... I dealt with it for awhile, but soon I became weary of the constant lying and insecurities I faced when dealing with our day to day relationship.A few months back I'd met a dancer that I became very close with. HE is gorgeous!! Absolutely breathtaking. (So is Aaron by the way) I met him after months of my friends begging me to come to this all nude male revue. I believe that him and I had a connection from the moment our eyes met. He became smitten with me and soon we were having conversations on the phone and I was at the club every Saturday for weeks on end. Now mind you at the time Aaron and I were going thru one of break-up phases. That's when he packs up all of his stuff and moves back to his grandmother's house. Perfect timing for bonding. It wasn't intentional that WE became close. It was destiny. I have serious issues being alone and he solved those issues. What I think Aaron doesn't realize is he played a major role in forming that relationship. Everytime he cheated in the past..all the women he's had sexual conversations with in my home, on my pc...all the times he tore down the very woman I am with his evil words pushed me into this relationship. This man was everything to me that he wasn't and he made me feel beautiful. Now just for the sake of being fair here...I'M NO ANGEL. Aaron is not an evil monster that terrorized my world! He just didn't go about getting his points across very well at times. For the last year or so we havent been right...AT ALL! I want to make it clear I didn't sleep with the stripper, although that is up for debate by some... (hmmm) but, fortunately I have some self respect. The dancer and I did have one rendezvous, but hardly anything more than heavy petting and nothing I would call SEX. I did feel a lil guilty for my actions because I felt I was doing them out of revenge. I am sorry for that. But when does Aaron have to stop pointing fingers at me and re-evaluate himself? I have no problem taking responsibility for my actions, but damn I didn't cause this by myself. One thing about me, I'm no cheater!!! If I'm in love ...that is it!! I guess I fell outta love at some point and didn't want to admit it or let go of Aaron because I was scared. I was scared of something new. Even now, as I write this I feel like I am still trying to cover up some deeper feeling or meaning to this all. If I ask myself do I love him....I answer yes immediately..If I ask myself why.... I search for an answer....that is where my confusion comes in. And when you love someone you should ALWAYS know why. It shouldn't be out of convenience or habit. It should be because this is the person that you know without a doubt is your very best friend. Someone who will always have your back when no one else does. Someone who doesn't walk away when things get tough....Someone who compliments every negative/positive quality about you...I guess the real deal is I don't know if that is Aaron. I don't want to hurt him or fight with him. I just need to get to a point of resolution. I don't know how.
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Keep up the good work » » »
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