1.What the hell happened to the last 364 days?
2. I swear it was just March
3. You know the song "Funny How time flies when you're having fun".... Oh Yea Almost forgot this part... "oooh babay"lol
4. Where do I start?
5.Moved back to Cali... Good or bad decision?
6.At this point I would have to say good... no great. I've accomplished a lot.
7.I have the best job I could ask for right now
8.Aaron and I are DONE!
9.Single = lonely, horny, cautious, did I say lonely and sometimes fun
10. the men I meet NEVER cease to amaze me
11.poetry book is finished! Any publishers out there???
12.baby daddys suck cock! nuff said
13. the impala is a dream and too fast for my passengers..sorry churchie!
14. turned 30 in May and it's definitely been flirty for the most part...still waiting on the increased sex drive. it comes and goes
15."Time to question our lifestyle, look how we live
Smokin weed like it ain't no thang, so even kids
wanna try now, they lie down and get ran through
Nobody watched 'em clockin the evil man do
Faced with the demons, addicted to hearin victims screamin
Guess we was evil since birth, product of cursed semens
Cause even our birthdays is cursed days" Tupac, Better Dayz"
16. That verse gets me everytime!
17. Why is it we only feed the needy during the holidays... ??
18.What, they ain't hungry the rest of the fucking year?
19. My son is in Jr High now... one the highlights of my year was being there on the 1st day school...
20. I didn't cry until I got to the car. The whole time I was remembering my 1st day of Jr. High
21.My mother was in the hospital with Cancer.... It's funny how some memories are sooo vivid
22. I used to feel so alone when I was his age and so out of place
23.My son is soo opposite ( I hope)
24.Everyday gets a little more easier.... in terms of letting him grow up.
25. Damn,... how the hell did 11 years just fly by??
26.Highlights of 2006... so Many...
27. The day I got the keys to my new apartment.... WHEW that was a long 6 months
28. The day I got the keys to my 06 Impala.. Good job Reese
29.The surprise party I gave Aaron... Seinfeld cake was outta this world... PRICELESS.
30.Being promoted at work.... because I deserved it..... shit!
31. Meeting ALL the wonderful new friends....
32. Churchie...."Now what I like about you,
is that your always so cool and comfortable
whenever im around
your someone I can talk to no, matter what im going through
im calling you cause i know you'll always be down
see what we had is so incrediable
that well never find it in anyone else
this thing that we share is so unbeliveable
that I want you all to myself" Musiq ...Forthenight
33.Kentin..."Turn me inside out
Make my heart speak ,need no one else
You're all I need ,Personality
Everything you do
Makes me love ,Everything 'bout you
Your smile, your style, is so fly
I can't deny
I gotta crush on you
And that's true indeed
And I'm diggin you
You make me believe " Aaliyah.. "One in a million"
34. Arlyn...."Whenever I'm down, I call on you my friend
A helping hand you lend, in my time of need
So I, I'm calling you now, just to make it through
What else can I do?
Won't you hear my plea" Brandy... Best Friend
35. D-e-e.... "I seen a rainbow yesterday
but too many storms have come and gone
leavin' a trace of not one god-given ray
is it like my life is 10 shades of grey?
i pray all 10 fade away
seldom praise Him for his sunny days
And like His promise is true
only my faith can undo
the many chances I blew
to bring my life to anew
clear blue and un-conditional skies
have dried the tears from my eyes
no more lonely cries"... TLC Waterfalls
36. Kenitra... "Nobody wants to fall
But we fall sometimes
Then you are there to catch us all
Everytime
You look beyond all my faults
Cuz you know I need
Another chance to get it right
You forgive me cuz I try" Mary Mary... I try
37. Teddy..."Attention
This is a interruption
Stay tuned for a message from the Godson
Jam, whoa Jam
Jam, jam, jam for me, Teddy
(Teddy's jam, yo)
Jam it jam, Teddy
Hey, ew, oh yeah " Guy.. Teddy's Jam Part III
38.Kai...."Anytime you feel the need
Call me when you're lonely
Cause everybody needs a friend
And I'll be yours if you're lonely
(And if you're all alone)
If you're all alone
And a friend you need
Like a river flows
You hurt, I'll bleed
If you can trust in me
We can find a way
Take away the pain
Time heals all things
Even a lonely state of mind
'cause happiness is oh so hard to find
If you're lonely I will be there " Janet... Lonely
39. I should have Arlyn make a mix of all those songs together.. That would be DOPE ( yup I said DOPE in 06, WHAT?)
40. Lately I've been thinking about all of the people who've touched my life...
41. Trechelle & Teri...."(What y'all want?)
Unconditional Love (no doubt)
Talking bout the stuff that don't wear off
It don't fade ..It'll last for all these crazy days
These crazy nights
Whether you wrong or you right
I'm a still love you
Still feel you ...Still there for you
No matter what (hehe)
You will always be in my heart
With unconditional love " 2pac Unconditional Love
42. Shamika.... "Love will be right here
Be right here , Right Here
Be Right Here
No fears , Have no fear
No tears, Love is here " SWV... Right here
43. Willie and Nakia... "Anytime you need a friend
I will be here ..You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright
When the shadows are closing in
And your spirit diminishing
Just remember you're not alone
And love will be there
To guide you home " Mariah Carey Anytime u need a friend
44.My Teejie...."I'm just playin the wall, I'm just playin the wall
Coolin with my niggaz on the right, hold tight
Late Friday night strobelight shine bright blind
Coolin at this party with the sugars on my mind
It's the sex patrol, the sex patrol
Yeah the young sis was stacked wicked, wanted me to kick it
Said I never dance, made advance outside
Took a glance to expect, Shorty was correct
so it seemed, her name Shavon, age seventeen
I flipped when I seen her eyes, bloodshot green
She said she wanted riches and a nigga with cash
Lex Land' or a Path', didn't know the half
I react to flip the script and get ill
My man Malik B kept telling me to relax
Diggin how you're livin on some unreal high
as I realize -- you're not that fly ".. The Roots U ain't Fly... ;)
45.and Aaron..."I wouldn't call in the midnight hour
I wouldn't tuck you in and turn the nightlight out
You would walk through the door and I wouldn't say hi
I would walk out the door and wouldn't say bye-bye
It's funny that I never thought about it that way
I never knew the things that I did not say
But you were lonely and you were hungry
And I was living in my own world
Thinking I'm a perfect lady
You should've told me
I wasn't small enough
You should've told me
I didn't call enough
But you led me on
And kept me going
And we never should've wasted this time
You should've told me
I wasn't wild enough
You should've told me
I didn't smile enough
What you had in my mind
Made me lose my mind
And we never should've wasted this time " Kelly Price.. U should've told me
46.So there it is.. My contribution to the end of 2006
47. to all the greats who passed this year... Gerald Levert, James Brown, Lou Rawls, Coretta Scott King... U will be missed
48.Hey, did anyone KNOW that Lionel from the Jeffersons died.. he was only 57... DAMN
49. 2006 was a year of growth for me.... I learned a lot.. joined the gym... started a new career.. finished my poetry book.. made some new friends.. moved on... and learned to LOVE ME...
50. In 2007.. I plan to be even sexier... Way too sexy for myspace in fact..(lol) I plan to travel and see the world... See ya there.. Happy New Year... Love, Cherise
December 30, 2006
December 22, 2006
Ummm Hmmm...
I miss u already...
Isn't it amazing how people come in and out of our lives in the strangest ways, yet impact us in a huge way? I met someone about a month ago who was really the business. Smart, funny and not to mention drop dead gorgeous ( that always helps). But what made this wonderful man so amazing is that he made me feel absolutely beautiful. I so needed that right now in my life. He always called without me asking.. he always addressed me in the sweetest way and he made me LAUGH! I love it! I am so blessed that he crossed my path to become a life friend and although he's left my life physically for the time being... I am not sad at all. I feel like I was supposed to meet him.... So, Churchie... I will see u soon... have fun, stay blessed... and most of all stay YOU.. cuz you are wonderful... and Oh yea.. Gary ain't shit! hahahaha!
New beginings....
I'm learning to be beautiful, wonderful and cherished. Sometimes as women, we lose ourselves in low self esteem & the societal pressures on what beauty should be. The truth is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder... but the eyes need to begin with us. If we don't believe we're beautiful no one else will. It doesn't matter if you're skinny or big... short or tall, light or dark.. there is something about each and every one of us that is lovely... I put my faith and strength in the hands of a man.... and I lost myself as well as him. I've learned that my strength comes from inside...and my faith solidifies that strength. I believe in me and I KNOW that I am beautiful inside and out... and I GLOW!!! Even though I've hurt, abused, replaced and refused... I am still me.. and being Reese is something I never want to give up again. EVER!
Merry Christmas!
TO everyone that has touched my life.... my body and my soul... friend or foe.. Have a Merry Christmas..
Love, Cherise
Isn't it amazing how people come in and out of our lives in the strangest ways, yet impact us in a huge way? I met someone about a month ago who was really the business. Smart, funny and not to mention drop dead gorgeous ( that always helps). But what made this wonderful man so amazing is that he made me feel absolutely beautiful. I so needed that right now in my life. He always called without me asking.. he always addressed me in the sweetest way and he made me LAUGH! I love it! I am so blessed that he crossed my path to become a life friend and although he's left my life physically for the time being... I am not sad at all. I feel like I was supposed to meet him.... So, Churchie... I will see u soon... have fun, stay blessed... and most of all stay YOU.. cuz you are wonderful... and Oh yea.. Gary ain't shit! hahahaha!
New beginings....
I'm learning to be beautiful, wonderful and cherished. Sometimes as women, we lose ourselves in low self esteem & the societal pressures on what beauty should be. The truth is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder... but the eyes need to begin with us. If we don't believe we're beautiful no one else will. It doesn't matter if you're skinny or big... short or tall, light or dark.. there is something about each and every one of us that is lovely... I put my faith and strength in the hands of a man.... and I lost myself as well as him. I've learned that my strength comes from inside...and my faith solidifies that strength. I believe in me and I KNOW that I am beautiful inside and out... and I GLOW!!! Even though I've hurt, abused, replaced and refused... I am still me.. and being Reese is something I never want to give up again. EVER!
Merry Christmas!
TO everyone that has touched my life.... my body and my soul... friend or foe.. Have a Merry Christmas..
Love, Cherise
December 13, 2006
Emotionally Challenged>Emoshunalee Chalungd
She say, he say, they say... no one understands.
I do this to myself everytime I see him! I get emotional for no rational or legitmant reason... At least that is what all of my males friends think. I go over to his house last night because WE bought MarQuin a customer Bam Margera skate board that needs to be put together. We'd discussed this before hand and he agreed to put it together. Ok, No problem. I can do this w/o incident, right? WRONG! I get there and I have MarQuin call him because I truly TRY to avoid everything about HIM. He comes out and I get out of the car. I go to the trunk and I notice he is coughing. Now, this is NOT just an ordinary cough.. it's one of those rough, deep, heavy smoker kinda of coughs. I'm always concerned about him because RARELY does he go to the doctor... I mean, come on it's only been since July that we officially broke up ... FOR GOOD according to HIM. I still have many unresolved feelings for him. I comment on the cough and he says he's almost better... ( I think, yea right) more small talk follows. I mention New Years Eve and he immediately goes into this spew about he is going to be with "someone"... OK.. AND... slow down guy.. I didn't ASK you officially to go anywhere with me, I simply mentioned it. Doesn't he fucking care that this shit is EXTRA hard on me. He's been with me the last 3 Holiday seasons... He fucking proposed to me on New Year's Eve 2004... I realize I hate him ( ok more anger)
Well, needless to say that pisses me off big time. I get in my car and drive off! I get home and drop off Quin. I'm heading to the gym .... while I am driving the anger is just seething. ( side note.... i have a major problem holding onto unresolved anger) See, the reason I am even upset is WHY does he continue to tell me about HER? He's sent pics and made comments... OK I get it.. You're NOT coming back.. boo hoo wah wah... Poor Cherise is still in love... NOT... I love him ... but I'm not in love... and consequently I have dated since we've broken up... Anyhow, I call him and ask why does he feel the need to constantly through this random chic up to me? He knows I still love him... he knows I'm not over the situation... SO why for the love of god does he fucking torture me???
We're now in a full fledged arguement in which he proceeds to go through the list of all the shit he hates about me and OH yea how much of a hypocrite I am. For the sake of being fair to HIM... I will EXPOSE myself for who I truly am. For 3 years I have been friends with a dancer/stripper whatever u want to call him. I have confided in this person and there was even a time where we'd be together behind Aaron's back. Essentially nothing was going as far as intimately... That all changed 3 months ago. It was a one time thing that ended up in a disaster. Now, I am sure Aaron will agree I don't need to go into specifics, but it was pretty bad. I am actually ashamed of the entire situation. I confided in Aaron because #1 I trust him and #2 I didn't have anyone else to confide in at the time...
Again he is GREAT at throwing things up in my face. Next, he brings up Kevin.. who lives in Fucking Vegas.. HELLO.. ain't nothing happening with that! Finally, he discloses he is a subscriber to my blog and therefore KNOWS for a fact I've been involved with at LEAST 4 men.
Setting the record straight!
Yes I slept with Chris... Yes I have met apprx. 4- 5 men.. only 2 of which I've even SEEN... the rest I've talked to on the phone.. Yes, I was friends with Kai, but that's it! No I am NOT sleeping with 4 men.. Yes I seen Kevin a total of 2 times all of about 5 minutes because the rest of the time I was asleep in his bed... I went to Vegas to party! Yes, I would drop everything I am currently doing to have the family I desire.... HE promised we would work it out once I moved.. He said he needed time and there was no one else... NOW... all of a sudden there is SOMEONE...Ok we're YELLING ... or I am yelling. Actually he never broke his tone. I guess that is an indication that he is really "done with me" I hate him I say.. I wish he were dead... ( I didn't mean it) Since I am setting the record straight it is only fair to mention that I have been nothing but honest with HIM... and at no time am I asking him to consider reconciling... I am just asking for honesty.. which is what I should have gotten from the begining. It's not the point that he is moving on... but he's lied and then he throws it in my face to hurt me... INTENTIONALLY. Thus the comment he made.. "Cherise I can fuck u whenever I want.. I can have u whenever I want" WOW... That is simply too much power!
Bombs over Bagdad!
Several hang-ups and insults later.. he calmly says, "Cherise, my girlfriend is coming here for a week... we plan to get pregnant during this week... then next month I will be moving into HER home... lastly we will be married in the summer"... I'm sitting in the Gym locker room when he says this. I remember my face becoming very hot... then the tears dropped one by one until they overflowed like a flooded river. WHAT? Is this the same woman you've met once? The same person you really don't know.. What happened to that song and dance about you need to get you together.. You want to OWN something and you could never just marry some random broad?? HUH? Who the fuck am I talking to.. you have to be kidding me. I wanted to say KNOCK it off Aaron... stop playing? We just passed our one year anniversary for losing our twin baby girls... Remember me, Cherise? Pooh? Phatty? Do u recall where you've been for the last 4 years.. close your eyes and think back to our 1st Christmas or our 1st kiss...Sunday breakfast.. Midnight Walmart runs... ice cream and chocolate syrup? My poetry.. My eyes... my heart... the surprise party I gave u with the Seinfeld cake... The night u asked me to be your wife? What happened? How will she KNOW you like I know u..... How can you hurt me like this... for every bad moment, there have been 1000 wonderful moments... Remember when I lost the babies and we went to the zoo... I was in so much pain, but you did everything you could to make me feel good. We were standing in front of that big ass rhino, when this lady came up and said, You guys make a beautiful couple... who are u? Now I am NOT your family.. MarQuin in NOT your son. I'm in awe at your indifference...
( this is what I wanted to say.. but I didn't, instead I spewed off some angry rants)
I'm doing just fine.
Today was a slow, horrible day. I cried a million times. I listened to Arlyn tell me I am beautiful and loved and wonderful... ( love yourself cherise) Truthfully, Aaron and I don't work. But as a woman, I've always hoped we could.... WHY? Because I love him so... he is the best part of me in the worst way. He KNOWS me when I've lost who I am. He grounds me when I fly too high in the clouds. He has the right to move on... and I have the right to be hurt. I fell so hard today. I left work early and went for a drive... ended up at LBCC...then at the gym. I worked out until I almost passed out. Then I came home and cooked for my little boy. He is my everything. HE is WHO I should live for... but what happens when he grows up and leaves me too... will I be back in this dark place again? I am thinking the only way to release HIM from this hold he has around my heart is to leave California...separate myself completely from him. Then my mind says tells me this isn't very realistic. Whoa... this is hard. Who knew he would really leave....
I do this to myself everytime I see him! I get emotional for no rational or legitmant reason... At least that is what all of my males friends think. I go over to his house last night because WE bought MarQuin a customer Bam Margera skate board that needs to be put together. We'd discussed this before hand and he agreed to put it together. Ok, No problem. I can do this w/o incident, right? WRONG! I get there and I have MarQuin call him because I truly TRY to avoid everything about HIM. He comes out and I get out of the car. I go to the trunk and I notice he is coughing. Now, this is NOT just an ordinary cough.. it's one of those rough, deep, heavy smoker kinda of coughs. I'm always concerned about him because RARELY does he go to the doctor... I mean, come on it's only been since July that we officially broke up ... FOR GOOD according to HIM. I still have many unresolved feelings for him. I comment on the cough and he says he's almost better... ( I think, yea right) more small talk follows. I mention New Years Eve and he immediately goes into this spew about he is going to be with "someone"... OK.. AND... slow down guy.. I didn't ASK you officially to go anywhere with me, I simply mentioned it. Doesn't he fucking care that this shit is EXTRA hard on me. He's been with me the last 3 Holiday seasons... He fucking proposed to me on New Year's Eve 2004... I realize I hate him ( ok more anger)
Well, needless to say that pisses me off big time. I get in my car and drive off! I get home and drop off Quin. I'm heading to the gym .... while I am driving the anger is just seething. ( side note.... i have a major problem holding onto unresolved anger) See, the reason I am even upset is WHY does he continue to tell me about HER? He's sent pics and made comments... OK I get it.. You're NOT coming back.. boo hoo wah wah... Poor Cherise is still in love... NOT... I love him ... but I'm not in love... and consequently I have dated since we've broken up... Anyhow, I call him and ask why does he feel the need to constantly through this random chic up to me? He knows I still love him... he knows I'm not over the situation... SO why for the love of god does he fucking torture me???
We're now in a full fledged arguement in which he proceeds to go through the list of all the shit he hates about me and OH yea how much of a hypocrite I am. For the sake of being fair to HIM... I will EXPOSE myself for who I truly am. For 3 years I have been friends with a dancer/stripper whatever u want to call him. I have confided in this person and there was even a time where we'd be together behind Aaron's back. Essentially nothing was going as far as intimately... That all changed 3 months ago. It was a one time thing that ended up in a disaster. Now, I am sure Aaron will agree I don't need to go into specifics, but it was pretty bad. I am actually ashamed of the entire situation. I confided in Aaron because #1 I trust him and #2 I didn't have anyone else to confide in at the time...
Again he is GREAT at throwing things up in my face. Next, he brings up Kevin.. who lives in Fucking Vegas.. HELLO.. ain't nothing happening with that! Finally, he discloses he is a subscriber to my blog and therefore KNOWS for a fact I've been involved with at LEAST 4 men.
Setting the record straight!
Yes I slept with Chris... Yes I have met apprx. 4- 5 men.. only 2 of which I've even SEEN... the rest I've talked to on the phone.. Yes, I was friends with Kai, but that's it! No I am NOT sleeping with 4 men.. Yes I seen Kevin a total of 2 times all of about 5 minutes because the rest of the time I was asleep in his bed... I went to Vegas to party! Yes, I would drop everything I am currently doing to have the family I desire.... HE promised we would work it out once I moved.. He said he needed time and there was no one else... NOW... all of a sudden there is SOMEONE...Ok we're YELLING ... or I am yelling. Actually he never broke his tone. I guess that is an indication that he is really "done with me" I hate him I say.. I wish he were dead... ( I didn't mean it) Since I am setting the record straight it is only fair to mention that I have been nothing but honest with HIM... and at no time am I asking him to consider reconciling... I am just asking for honesty.. which is what I should have gotten from the begining. It's not the point that he is moving on... but he's lied and then he throws it in my face to hurt me... INTENTIONALLY. Thus the comment he made.. "Cherise I can fuck u whenever I want.. I can have u whenever I want" WOW... That is simply too much power!
Bombs over Bagdad!
Several hang-ups and insults later.. he calmly says, "Cherise, my girlfriend is coming here for a week... we plan to get pregnant during this week... then next month I will be moving into HER home... lastly we will be married in the summer"... I'm sitting in the Gym locker room when he says this. I remember my face becoming very hot... then the tears dropped one by one until they overflowed like a flooded river. WHAT? Is this the same woman you've met once? The same person you really don't know.. What happened to that song and dance about you need to get you together.. You want to OWN something and you could never just marry some random broad?? HUH? Who the fuck am I talking to.. you have to be kidding me. I wanted to say KNOCK it off Aaron... stop playing? We just passed our one year anniversary for losing our twin baby girls... Remember me, Cherise? Pooh? Phatty? Do u recall where you've been for the last 4 years.. close your eyes and think back to our 1st Christmas or our 1st kiss...Sunday breakfast.. Midnight Walmart runs... ice cream and chocolate syrup? My poetry.. My eyes... my heart... the surprise party I gave u with the Seinfeld cake... The night u asked me to be your wife? What happened? How will she KNOW you like I know u..... How can you hurt me like this... for every bad moment, there have been 1000 wonderful moments... Remember when I lost the babies and we went to the zoo... I was in so much pain, but you did everything you could to make me feel good. We were standing in front of that big ass rhino, when this lady came up and said, You guys make a beautiful couple... who are u? Now I am NOT your family.. MarQuin in NOT your son. I'm in awe at your indifference...
( this is what I wanted to say.. but I didn't, instead I spewed off some angry rants)
I'm doing just fine.
Today was a slow, horrible day. I cried a million times. I listened to Arlyn tell me I am beautiful and loved and wonderful... ( love yourself cherise) Truthfully, Aaron and I don't work. But as a woman, I've always hoped we could.... WHY? Because I love him so... he is the best part of me in the worst way. He KNOWS me when I've lost who I am. He grounds me when I fly too high in the clouds. He has the right to move on... and I have the right to be hurt. I fell so hard today. I left work early and went for a drive... ended up at LBCC...then at the gym. I worked out until I almost passed out. Then I came home and cooked for my little boy. He is my everything. HE is WHO I should live for... but what happens when he grows up and leaves me too... will I be back in this dark place again? I am thinking the only way to release HIM from this hold he has around my heart is to leave California...separate myself completely from him. Then my mind says tells me this isn't very realistic. Whoa... this is hard. Who knew he would really leave....
December 10, 2006
Here I go again.
Too good to be true....
It always feels the same....
I've been giving myself room to grow as of late. Attempting to accept it's over between "HIM" and I .... and allowing room for moving on. I will say with every day, the pain gets a lil easier to deal with. I met this really beautiful man. So beautiful in fact, that I almost wonder if he's too good to be true. I do this to myself a lot.....you know, second guess myself.... I Wonder WHY does he like me... and then it happens all over again...I get hurt over thinking the situation and letting a perfect opportunity pass me by. I'm so goal orientated right now and even though I sing that song and dance about I don't want a man... or need a man.. it's a BIG FAT LIE! Sorry.... I think I've said this before... this is not my area of honesty.
His smell on my pillow.
Now, back to this beautiful man. For the sake of anonymity, I will leave all names out of this blog, but my Arlyn KNOWS exactly what's up.... ( ya'll know he's taking over my page... gotta love Arlyn... he's a real sweetie...even when he doesn't GIVE ME MY WAY...) LMAO Ok, I'm focused now. Anyhow, this man makes me laugh like no other I've met as of yet... he's tall and an absolute vision of perfection. Problem is circumstances as they may will prevent us from spending any time for quite some time. The time I've spent hanging out with him and talking on the phone has been real cool. HE doesn't expect anything from me and I like that. He isn't NOSEY or ask any questions about my ex... although he is a big scardy cat when it comes to fast driving on slick, wet roads.. ;) I like him, but I'm hiding it real well. I don't like getting attached.. (refer back to the crush on you know who... and u see how that turned out). I would like to get closer to him, but I've already judged and juried him. Some of you may not know what that means, so let me explain. He's gorgeous... he's successful and women are abundant in his world... How could I EVER make a difference in his life? ( there I go second guessing myself again) He makes me feel so beautiful next to him.. and he smells so fucking good. Sometimes you men don't know how far little things can go with a woman. Honestly, his sense of humor is what got me..... the laughter is what I really need now in my life... the space to grow and the opportunity to be just Cherise ( Reese). I truly believe he can give me that.... Guess my timing is off again ( so what's new?).
This morning....
I felt strange . I missed "HIM"... but I wanted to get closer to "HIM". I backed off and shut down. Was I wrong? Did I give too much of myself too soon.. or did I give too little?... either way it goes... "Every time I try to leave something keeps holding me back" It's my choice... so do I see any traveling on my horizon...?
It always feels the same....
I've been giving myself room to grow as of late. Attempting to accept it's over between "HIM" and I .... and allowing room for moving on. I will say with every day, the pain gets a lil easier to deal with. I met this really beautiful man. So beautiful in fact, that I almost wonder if he's too good to be true. I do this to myself a lot.....you know, second guess myself.... I Wonder WHY does he like me... and then it happens all over again...I get hurt over thinking the situation and letting a perfect opportunity pass me by. I'm so goal orientated right now and even though I sing that song and dance about I don't want a man... or need a man.. it's a BIG FAT LIE! Sorry.... I think I've said this before... this is not my area of honesty.
His smell on my pillow.
Now, back to this beautiful man. For the sake of anonymity, I will leave all names out of this blog, but my Arlyn KNOWS exactly what's up.... ( ya'll know he's taking over my page... gotta love Arlyn... he's a real sweetie...even when he doesn't GIVE ME MY WAY...) LMAO Ok, I'm focused now. Anyhow, this man makes me laugh like no other I've met as of yet... he's tall and an absolute vision of perfection. Problem is circumstances as they may will prevent us from spending any time for quite some time. The time I've spent hanging out with him and talking on the phone has been real cool. HE doesn't expect anything from me and I like that. He isn't NOSEY or ask any questions about my ex... although he is a big scardy cat when it comes to fast driving on slick, wet roads.. ;) I like him, but I'm hiding it real well. I don't like getting attached.. (refer back to the crush on you know who... and u see how that turned out). I would like to get closer to him, but I've already judged and juried him. Some of you may not know what that means, so let me explain. He's gorgeous... he's successful and women are abundant in his world... How could I EVER make a difference in his life? ( there I go second guessing myself again) He makes me feel so beautiful next to him.. and he smells so fucking good. Sometimes you men don't know how far little things can go with a woman. Honestly, his sense of humor is what got me..... the laughter is what I really need now in my life... the space to grow and the opportunity to be just Cherise ( Reese). I truly believe he can give me that.... Guess my timing is off again ( so what's new?).
This morning....
I felt strange . I missed "HIM"... but I wanted to get closer to "HIM". I backed off and shut down. Was I wrong? Did I give too much of myself too soon.. or did I give too little?... either way it goes... "Every time I try to leave something keeps holding me back" It's my choice... so do I see any traveling on my horizon...?
December 06, 2006
I can't make this shit up yo!
Wtf Long Beach.... The gym...
So I am at the gym doing my thang.. like I do everyday after work. I'm on the eliptical machine listening to my Janet when I notice Mr. Buff come strutting passed me. Dude is about 5'8, milk chocolate... more head than face and WHY black people WHY does he had a fade with a slicked down perm? WHY? He was hella buff.. so buff that it looked like someone injected him with SUPER steriods. I thought the veins may pop at any moment... besides his obvious unattractiveness I noticed the gear. Dude had on what appeared to be some suede mocassins and a suede vest to match... with some nike swishy pants... LMAO... Of Course I laughed....OUT FUCKING LOUD... Not to mention fake ass J-lo with the short shorts, who continues to walk past the weight lifters with her minimal boodie poked out....Oh yea, anorexic skinny chic is still hungry and weighing herself after every exercise attempt... we now have another chic that comes in the gym fully dressed and strips down to her hawaiian red biker shorts and half top right at the machine.. leaving her pile of clothes right there on the floor... Take yo ass to the locker room....I can't take much more....
Dating....
I've had some funny escapades lately... so funny that I won't even put anyone on blast, but you know who u are! Come on brotha's be honest, up front and sober when u meet me.... If I meet one more dude that's drunk, slurring...lying, crying...ect., ect., I'm gonna scream. I will say that dude from New York is Cool as a summer breeze.. When we met in person....I was impressed... And Church.... U sexy boy u sexy!! Too bad you're leaving for the ATL.. but we'll keep in touch.. Hopefully we can hang out again.... cuz u keep me laughing...glad I hustled your number at the HOB.. ;) My other friend... circumstances prevent anything more at this time... and every one else...I'm just having fun watching time fly and nigga's lie... LMAO
Pimps and ten speeds....
After the gym this evening I go to the gas station ( AS I'm Almost out of gas!)...I'm pumping my gas while the sounds of Jodeci serenade the brisk, night air.. suddenly I notice this strange apparition on the horizon... PLEASE black people... PLEASE! Understand I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP... I put the gas hose back on the pump and stepped away as to get a closer look... What do I see.??.. A slender figure resembling a cross between Snoop Dog and Cat Williams. He has a freshly curled perm with a top hat on ( as seen on Cat williams) a brown FUR coat & he's riding a yellow and blue ten speed fully equipped with yellow tennis balls in the spokes. I noticed he was carrying crutches ( WHY, I think to myself, would he be riding a bike AND carrying crutches, is he delivering them? Does he need them? Can't be if he is riding the bike) To finish off his distinctive look he adds a blunt in his mouth and proceeds through the intersection with caution .... allowing everyone around to bask in his glory.... Once Again.. I laughed.. OUT FUCKING LOUD... What the hell is going here. Why can't there be any normal people walking around? I'm done.. I really am!
So I am at the gym doing my thang.. like I do everyday after work. I'm on the eliptical machine listening to my Janet when I notice Mr. Buff come strutting passed me. Dude is about 5'8, milk chocolate... more head than face and WHY black people WHY does he had a fade with a slicked down perm? WHY? He was hella buff.. so buff that it looked like someone injected him with SUPER steriods. I thought the veins may pop at any moment... besides his obvious unattractiveness I noticed the gear. Dude had on what appeared to be some suede mocassins and a suede vest to match... with some nike swishy pants... LMAO... Of Course I laughed....OUT FUCKING LOUD... Not to mention fake ass J-lo with the short shorts, who continues to walk past the weight lifters with her minimal boodie poked out....Oh yea, anorexic skinny chic is still hungry and weighing herself after every exercise attempt... we now have another chic that comes in the gym fully dressed and strips down to her hawaiian red biker shorts and half top right at the machine.. leaving her pile of clothes right there on the floor... Take yo ass to the locker room....I can't take much more....
Dating....
I've had some funny escapades lately... so funny that I won't even put anyone on blast, but you know who u are! Come on brotha's be honest, up front and sober when u meet me.... If I meet one more dude that's drunk, slurring...lying, crying...ect., ect., I'm gonna scream. I will say that dude from New York is Cool as a summer breeze.. When we met in person....I was impressed... And Church.... U sexy boy u sexy!! Too bad you're leaving for the ATL.. but we'll keep in touch.. Hopefully we can hang out again.... cuz u keep me laughing...glad I hustled your number at the HOB.. ;) My other friend... circumstances prevent anything more at this time... and every one else...I'm just having fun watching time fly and nigga's lie... LMAO
Pimps and ten speeds....
After the gym this evening I go to the gas station ( AS I'm Almost out of gas!)...I'm pumping my gas while the sounds of Jodeci serenade the brisk, night air.. suddenly I notice this strange apparition on the horizon... PLEASE black people... PLEASE! Understand I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP... I put the gas hose back on the pump and stepped away as to get a closer look... What do I see.??.. A slender figure resembling a cross between Snoop Dog and Cat Williams. He has a freshly curled perm with a top hat on ( as seen on Cat williams) a brown FUR coat & he's riding a yellow and blue ten speed fully equipped with yellow tennis balls in the spokes. I noticed he was carrying crutches ( WHY, I think to myself, would he be riding a bike AND carrying crutches, is he delivering them? Does he need them? Can't be if he is riding the bike) To finish off his distinctive look he adds a blunt in his mouth and proceeds through the intersection with caution .... allowing everyone around to bask in his glory.... Once Again.. I laughed.. OUT FUCKING LOUD... What the hell is going here. Why can't there be any normal people walking around? I'm done.. I really am!
December 05, 2006
1day down... forever to go!
The realist shit I've ever wrote!
I've come to realize that writing is my savior. This gift I have for bringing words together into thoughts has literally kept me alive. Lately I've been very aware of myself and the person I was, am and striving to be... So I want to share some things that maybe I've never shared before... It may get a little deep.
I don't believe I've been the greatest person to a lot of people in my life. I think I started out as a caring, loving, honest person, but somehow down the line the baggage got too heavy. The memories are too deep and the anger resonates too close to the surface. I used to kiss my son everyday! I would hug him and tell him, " I love you more than the whole wide world"... Now I feel so far away from him. I hold back when I know I shouldn't. I kissed him for the first time in some years the other night. And I know right now is when he NEEDS me to be right there next to him. I don't know what happened?
Maybe it started with my lack of self love. That's why I had him in the first the place. So I could have love... fill a void.... be complete. Instead, I took on a responsibility I wasn't mature enough to handle. In the process my child suffered. Only recently have I begun the process of mending what is torn. I am sorry Marquin.. you deserved better than me. I don't think I've been a terrible mom.... but I know that I could've done a helluva lot better. The fortunate aspect of this is that my baby is only 11, so I still have time to LOVE him like he needs to be loved and teach him the right things.
Why did this happen to me?
When I was 16 I was raped.( not the 1st time and not the last time)but this situation I remember vividly. I was out there on the streets. Living with a man who was 4 years my senior and truly took advantage of my youth. For a long time I believed a lot of what happened to me back then was my own fault. I should've stayed home with my mom and my family. Something inside of me raged. I was angry and hurt and I felt so unloved. I never thought I was pretty and the only time I experienced relief was when I laid with a man. There was a boy... his name was Roosevelt Lett (this is my experience, so yes I am using REAL names) he was a year older than I. At the time he was the hottest thing walking. He was tall, 6'6 and beautiful. Whenever I had problems with my current boyfriend he was who I ran to ( some things NEVER change). One night, Isaac was acting really bad. He made me leave and I had no where to go. So I walked until I couldn't walk anymore, then I decided to call Roosevelt. He told me I could come to his house. He was living with his dad at the time and he really didn't care if he had girls over there. I got there and I was tired. Now, Roosevelt had a tendancy to be abusive to me, but I never really cared and I honestly don't know why. This night in particular he was really acting strange. He'd pulled my hair and thrown me into a wall. Maybe he was drunk or high... I don't know.... All I recall is at some point his father came home. He seen me sitting on the couch and commented on how beautiful I was. A few hours passed and Roosevelt comes to me and says I can't stay unless I do his father a favor. I was confused, but then I realized what he meant. There was NO WAY I would ever do that. So I began to grab my jacket and prepare myself for another night of wandering. Then he grabbed me... Next thing I know... I'm face down on a mattress. I could feel the pain spreading throughout my body. For a moment I thought I'd die. I couldn't breathe and when it was all over.. I was bleeding... crying and alone. I gathered my clothes and what was left of my dignity and I ran. When I got home I remember Isaac asking what happened to me. I remember him looking at me strange as if he knew instantly what happened. He put me in the shower and washed me. He vowed to murder whomever did this to me.. he apologized for making me leave.... he declared his love....all I remember thinking was no one loves me... this is all I am and all I am ever going to be. It seemed true... then.
Growing up.....
As I progressed on into Adulthood my anger grew seemingly more by the day. I remember my early 20s as countless fight after fight... non-stop arguements with my mom, strangers or friends. The men in my life never changed. There was always some abusive aspect to any relationship I was involved in, whether it be physical, mental or emotional. I don't believe as women, we realize how many different forms of abuse there are... and most times we inflict this abuse on ourselves... unknowingly. Right after I turned 25 I went through an emotional break-down. People close to me were dying.... I wasn't financially stable... I was here and there... looking and searching for something or anything to ground me. I decided to move to Las Vegas and it was the best decision I'd ever made.
I lived in Las Vegas for four years. During that time I settled into a comfortable life. I worked and took care of my son. I enjoyed the atomosphere and the people. It's during this time I met some of my closet friends. I learned how to be responsible and depend on me. I was a long road..... it's also where Aaron and I began. And who could ever forget Joseph. It wasn't always easy for me because my past always seemed to haunt me and hinder my progress. One of the hardest moments I've ever experienced was the day my nephew died. I was there.... watching this little innocent baby die. I seen him take his last breath and then it was quiet. At least in my mind because there were sounds of crying and screaming in the background, but all I heard was silence. I remember thinking how selfish I felt and relieved at the same time. I knew he wouldn't feel any pain anymore... but I know he deserved so much more. I felt like maybe I didn't do my part. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to him... maybe there was something I could've have done to make his life a little better. I wondered if my sister felt the same thing. And although we're not sisters by blood... we're sisters in pain, life and experience. I probably lost a piece of me that day.... something I can never get back.
My friends...... More like my family.
There are so many people that I've met and mingled with, good and bad. This is for those who are still around.... today.. hanging in there with my ups and downs. Let me name the people I am referring to... ( Trechelle, Teri, Shamika,Willie, Nakia,Saraan, Joe, Jermon, My Teej & Arlyn too)
I am sorry for the times I've lied to you or hurt you. For anytime I wasn't supportive or I talked behind your back or betrayed you in any way. I am thankful to have you in my life. Many of you have been here since the begining and watched me "evolve"... some of you are just begining to understand who I am. I love you all, more than these words can express. I only hope that as I grow older you all will be there with me on this journey. I want to be a better friend and a better person. Starting today as I can't make up for yesterday. We've had some wonderful times together.... and many more to come... .Reese
My family, ( mom, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.......
Many of you don't know me through no fault of your own, but there is always time to get to know me. It's a two way street. There is a saying, "Never judge a book by it's cover"... there is so much to explore within my chapters. Trust me! I am not exempt from this as well. I understand I need to spend time with my mother... and invite my sisters to do more with me.. but I need you to meet me half way.... sometimes I'm lonely and I have no one to turn to.. sometimes I want to die and I don't know why... sometimes I just want to say hey, I love you.. but I don't know how.. be patient with me as I grow and I will grant you the same courtesy.... my past is not my future.... Cherise
And Aaron.....
Where do I begin? There is so much I want to convey, but not enough time to do it. I want you to know that it wasn't all you and you weren't horrible. I've lied to you about unforgiveable things. I am sorry. I can't give you what you need and I can't make you happy... this is partly due because I don't love me and I don't make me happy. I wish you love, happiness and success. I wish I could instantly give you back what I took away. It wasn't your fault you walked into a black hole searching for the light. I understand clearly now what I have to do. The chapter titled, " Cherise and Aaron" is now closed. I only hope there can be a sequel.... one day. But not today.
In the future I hope to be able to sit down with you and talk... about nothing. Just life... not the past or the hurts or the pain, but just talk... like the friends we should've been. I won't continue to burden you with my roller coaster of emotions. Just know... that I know... one day it will be ok.
oh.. by the way.. I love u.
Cherise Joy Thomas.......
I'm breathing now.
I've come to realize that writing is my savior. This gift I have for bringing words together into thoughts has literally kept me alive. Lately I've been very aware of myself and the person I was, am and striving to be... So I want to share some things that maybe I've never shared before... It may get a little deep.
I don't believe I've been the greatest person to a lot of people in my life. I think I started out as a caring, loving, honest person, but somehow down the line the baggage got too heavy. The memories are too deep and the anger resonates too close to the surface. I used to kiss my son everyday! I would hug him and tell him, " I love you more than the whole wide world"... Now I feel so far away from him. I hold back when I know I shouldn't. I kissed him for the first time in some years the other night. And I know right now is when he NEEDS me to be right there next to him. I don't know what happened?
Maybe it started with my lack of self love. That's why I had him in the first the place. So I could have love... fill a void.... be complete. Instead, I took on a responsibility I wasn't mature enough to handle. In the process my child suffered. Only recently have I begun the process of mending what is torn. I am sorry Marquin.. you deserved better than me. I don't think I've been a terrible mom.... but I know that I could've done a helluva lot better. The fortunate aspect of this is that my baby is only 11, so I still have time to LOVE him like he needs to be loved and teach him the right things.
Why did this happen to me?
When I was 16 I was raped.( not the 1st time and not the last time)but this situation I remember vividly. I was out there on the streets. Living with a man who was 4 years my senior and truly took advantage of my youth. For a long time I believed a lot of what happened to me back then was my own fault. I should've stayed home with my mom and my family. Something inside of me raged. I was angry and hurt and I felt so unloved. I never thought I was pretty and the only time I experienced relief was when I laid with a man. There was a boy... his name was Roosevelt Lett (this is my experience, so yes I am using REAL names) he was a year older than I. At the time he was the hottest thing walking. He was tall, 6'6 and beautiful. Whenever I had problems with my current boyfriend he was who I ran to ( some things NEVER change). One night, Isaac was acting really bad. He made me leave and I had no where to go. So I walked until I couldn't walk anymore, then I decided to call Roosevelt. He told me I could come to his house. He was living with his dad at the time and he really didn't care if he had girls over there. I got there and I was tired. Now, Roosevelt had a tendancy to be abusive to me, but I never really cared and I honestly don't know why. This night in particular he was really acting strange. He'd pulled my hair and thrown me into a wall. Maybe he was drunk or high... I don't know.... All I recall is at some point his father came home. He seen me sitting on the couch and commented on how beautiful I was. A few hours passed and Roosevelt comes to me and says I can't stay unless I do his father a favor. I was confused, but then I realized what he meant. There was NO WAY I would ever do that. So I began to grab my jacket and prepare myself for another night of wandering. Then he grabbed me... Next thing I know... I'm face down on a mattress. I could feel the pain spreading throughout my body. For a moment I thought I'd die. I couldn't breathe and when it was all over.. I was bleeding... crying and alone. I gathered my clothes and what was left of my dignity and I ran. When I got home I remember Isaac asking what happened to me. I remember him looking at me strange as if he knew instantly what happened. He put me in the shower and washed me. He vowed to murder whomever did this to me.. he apologized for making me leave.... he declared his love....all I remember thinking was no one loves me... this is all I am and all I am ever going to be. It seemed true... then.
Growing up.....
As I progressed on into Adulthood my anger grew seemingly more by the day. I remember my early 20s as countless fight after fight... non-stop arguements with my mom, strangers or friends. The men in my life never changed. There was always some abusive aspect to any relationship I was involved in, whether it be physical, mental or emotional. I don't believe as women, we realize how many different forms of abuse there are... and most times we inflict this abuse on ourselves... unknowingly. Right after I turned 25 I went through an emotional break-down. People close to me were dying.... I wasn't financially stable... I was here and there... looking and searching for something or anything to ground me. I decided to move to Las Vegas and it was the best decision I'd ever made.
I lived in Las Vegas for four years. During that time I settled into a comfortable life. I worked and took care of my son. I enjoyed the atomosphere and the people. It's during this time I met some of my closet friends. I learned how to be responsible and depend on me. I was a long road..... it's also where Aaron and I began. And who could ever forget Joseph. It wasn't always easy for me because my past always seemed to haunt me and hinder my progress. One of the hardest moments I've ever experienced was the day my nephew died. I was there.... watching this little innocent baby die. I seen him take his last breath and then it was quiet. At least in my mind because there were sounds of crying and screaming in the background, but all I heard was silence. I remember thinking how selfish I felt and relieved at the same time. I knew he wouldn't feel any pain anymore... but I know he deserved so much more. I felt like maybe I didn't do my part. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to him... maybe there was something I could've have done to make his life a little better. I wondered if my sister felt the same thing. And although we're not sisters by blood... we're sisters in pain, life and experience. I probably lost a piece of me that day.... something I can never get back.
My friends...... More like my family.
There are so many people that I've met and mingled with, good and bad. This is for those who are still around.... today.. hanging in there with my ups and downs. Let me name the people I am referring to... ( Trechelle, Teri, Shamika,Willie, Nakia,Saraan, Joe, Jermon, My Teej & Arlyn too)
I am sorry for the times I've lied to you or hurt you. For anytime I wasn't supportive or I talked behind your back or betrayed you in any way. I am thankful to have you in my life. Many of you have been here since the begining and watched me "evolve"... some of you are just begining to understand who I am. I love you all, more than these words can express. I only hope that as I grow older you all will be there with me on this journey. I want to be a better friend and a better person. Starting today as I can't make up for yesterday. We've had some wonderful times together.... and many more to come... .Reese
My family, ( mom, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.......
Many of you don't know me through no fault of your own, but there is always time to get to know me. It's a two way street. There is a saying, "Never judge a book by it's cover"... there is so much to explore within my chapters. Trust me! I am not exempt from this as well. I understand I need to spend time with my mother... and invite my sisters to do more with me.. but I need you to meet me half way.... sometimes I'm lonely and I have no one to turn to.. sometimes I want to die and I don't know why... sometimes I just want to say hey, I love you.. but I don't know how.. be patient with me as I grow and I will grant you the same courtesy.... my past is not my future.... Cherise
And Aaron.....
Where do I begin? There is so much I want to convey, but not enough time to do it. I want you to know that it wasn't all you and you weren't horrible. I've lied to you about unforgiveable things. I am sorry. I can't give you what you need and I can't make you happy... this is partly due because I don't love me and I don't make me happy. I wish you love, happiness and success. I wish I could instantly give you back what I took away. It wasn't your fault you walked into a black hole searching for the light. I understand clearly now what I have to do. The chapter titled, " Cherise and Aaron" is now closed. I only hope there can be a sequel.... one day. But not today.
In the future I hope to be able to sit down with you and talk... about nothing. Just life... not the past or the hurts or the pain, but just talk... like the friends we should've been. I won't continue to burden you with my roller coaster of emotions. Just know... that I know... one day it will be ok.
oh.. by the way.. I love u.
Cherise Joy Thomas.......
I'm breathing now.
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