National Take Yo Bad ass Kid to work DAY!!!

Today started off bad....it was cold...windy and raining...and my stomach hurt...bad...i've been constipated all week ( don't ask) Plus I think I am going to start my period any minute. I get to work and there are kids every damn where!! Running, yelling, eating...jumping.. I'd already given mine the "talk"..don't get smart...don't embarrass me and be polite... For the most part he didn't get into any trouble. Today I learned why we as adults HAVE to come to work...
We NEED to get away from our kids... lol Work & kids don't mix...I am glad this day is almost over!!!

Randon Idioms. . . Joe!!

You know the saying," If you love someone, let it go and if they don't come back then they were never yours to begin with..." yada,yada or something like that??? Well, I have this friend, Joe...I know I've mentioned him briefly in a few previous posts...Anyhow, I have been in love with this man for about 3 yrs. I say in love, meaning feeling some of the deepest love I've ever felt for another person. When I say "In love" I don't mean romantically... I'm referring to the person that he is. I first met Joe in 2001 after I moved to Vegas from Cali. We became friends fast. Soon I was spending all of my time with this man. I began to trust him with secrets unknown to most. I took him home to my family and I found myself in constant need of him. I depended on him for my own happiness...and in turn I smothered our friendship. About a year or so into the friendship he stopped speaking to me for about 5 months.I swear to you this was the longest five months of my life. It's extremely difficult to articulate the depth of my feelings for him. I will just say it, shit...He's gay and I can never have him!! He lied to me for a long time never admitting what other's whispered about. I continued to inquire about his sexuality to a point of no return. After our 5month hiatus we mended the fences and I'd thought put all of that behind us. I'd long given up any hope of "us" being anything more than friends... (by this time I was involved with Aaron) Recently, Joe has stopped talking to me again. We'd had some disagreements about a mutual friend...that had nothing to do with our friendship. I've also become close with 2 of his mutual friends who happen to be gay. I believe that has caused some conflict. Also, I think there is something he is not telling me. He refuses to sit down and discuss anything with me. He changed his telephone number about a month or so ago and hasn't furnished me with the new one. So what should I do? It's not easy to walk away from him. The only difference between now and then is I don't need nor depend on him any longer to validate me. I am fine being alone. (ask aaron) What I need is a conclusion...an answer. THE TRUTH. Why is that so hard? I've sent countless emails only to receive vague replies. So am I selling myself short by holding onto this person whom seems to not give 2 fucks about me? I don't want to believe that this could be true... I KNOW this man inside and out, but then again, now that I think about it...do I REALLY know him at all? It seems as though everything I'd thought I knew about him was untrue. Is it me who is the culprit and the bearer of my own burdens..or am I due some explanation? Why aren't I good enough I think? But I am (i'm sayin this outloud right now) Who the fuck is he... (arrogant) yet beautiful... (asshole) but he can be so beautiful when he wants... (still an asshole) indescribably BEAUTIFUL. Joe knows his effect on me...he knows my heart better than I do. So why he is holding it over of my head like a limp puppet begging to be brought to life?
I still miss him. I'm soooo ANGRY. I want to scream at him...(i need to hold him ) I want to shake him...( i need to hear his voice)
In my mind I still can't live w/o him... (am I accepting defeat?)

Today.

Today really seems to be dragging along... time is ticking away as slow as possible. That could be due to the fact that I am waiting on an answer regarding the position I applied for. I could sure use the pay increase. I will leave it up to God...but I really feel that I have come circle..my mind and life have matured so much in so many ways....

I lost my damn blog yesterday...

My computer @ work is real shady...and I lost everything I wrote and I'm pissed...Anyway,
here are some various things that happened over the weekend.... I went on a date...
it sucked... I had to fight off the guy all fucking nite long...guess he thought I was an easy lay...NOTTTTT!!! Second, I seen my best friend...it was supposed to be a surprise and the bitrch ran from me.... Ohh I cried for a few hours..that bitch!!!! Lol Aaron came back...not to my house, but back to Vegas...yea I caved in and gave him some...( it was good too) lol but I am not rushing into any relationship with him. I have an interview today...for a Lead position..ummm I shooo hope I get it..I went out to a few clubs this weekend..I only actually got into one..it was a gay club called Flex...I wasn't in the best of moods, plus the place was so damn smokey I felt like i coughed up a lung....

FYI....Had my interview...went well, I think...all I can do now is pray..if I deserve it I will get it...if Not I will learn from it.

Another busy weekend....

I spent the majority of this weekend shopping. Literally. I've probably spent more money than I should've, but hey, I worked for it and I definitely deserve it!!! Friday night I went out on a date. Not much to say except it sucked. I ended up over a friends house until 9 am and then home to sleep most of Saturday.... after waking from a long awaited nap I headed back to the mall...to do what...SHOP!!. The date isn't even worth mentioning ... I will say it was a reminder of why I truly enjoy being alone. I guess I just don't want to be bothered. I don't want some guy trying to kiss on me or have sex with me... And what is up with that??? I guess things haven't changed much since I was "dating" the last time. lol Well, I am not looking for sex or a man... and now I will not accept any more offers for companionship... Today I also missed Aaron. I called him briefly on the way to church and just hello... I miss you today. No that doesn't mean I am going to jump back into a relationship with him because I am not... I just missed him. Well, I am going to take a nap and can u guess.. No I'm not even @ home.. lol Home is where my heart ain't. Peace.

P.S. I went out to 2 different clubs last nite. One I didn't get in and the other was a gay club...Vegas shoooo has some stank women here..but the stripper was WHeeeeewww! I realized last nite..damn I'm old.. lol

Still saving the world...((Sigh))

My mom always has this saying... You can't save the world, Cherise. For as long as I can remember I have run to the rescue for everyone except myself. Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way. I know I did. I had to lose everything I had to realize that I was living in arears ( hope I spelled that right) . I worked my way back up and now I'm finally starting to reap the benefits. So why does it seem that as soon as I get some extra money I'm loaning it out and paying for other's people's mistakes. Would it be wrong for me to say no? Would I be selfish??? inconsiderate?? I don't know how to feel. I get angry when I see my friends go thru unnecessary shit. I know it's their fault... Like I know when I fuck up. We all have to learn our lessons. How do we learn when we are always bailed out? It all goes back to what my mom said today, "Cherise, you can't save the world".

Have you ever? Random thoughts. . .

HAve you ever Been on the phone or in a conversation with someone that does not speak very good english and you find yourself speaking like them? ( I do all the time... LOL)

HAve you ever Wanted to slap the shit out of someone at your job? (ummm no comment)

Have u EVER actually slapped the shit out of someone at your job? ((again NO comment))

Have you ever awaken in the middle of night confused, naked and wondering where the hell you were... ((u know what..no comment)) lol

Ok I have some more, but I'm busy .... be back

I'm so intuned with myself...See 4 yourself..My tarot reading I received...after I blogged

Two of Swords (reversed)
You might be hiding your true feelings or pretending that all is well when it is not. You might choose to ignore what is really going on to avoid unpleasantness. By placing a barrier around yourself, you may believe that you don't have to face the difficult choices that come at the fork in the road. You may try to keep blinders on, but when you reach the impasse, a decision will need to be made by you, or for you, to overcome inaction, and gain necessary forward momentum; otherwise you will remain stuck and full of sorrow, spite, or ignorance. You need to recognize the reality of the situation to find the peace of mind needed to make a decision between two choices. Don't let stubbornness, insecurity, or spite force you into a no-win stalemate. Use this challenge as an opportunity to look deep within yourself, reflect, or meditate on the best way to approach your situation, and remain open to other possible solutions or truths so that you can confront your dilemma and make the changes or choices required.

When It's over... It's over.

You know that feeling you get when you first break up with your girl/boyfriend? That sick... lonely... I can't do this shit type of feeling. The first few days are spent either in your bed asleep or doing some type of odd chore around your house to keep your mind off of your now ex-significant other. After about a week, the loneliness drifts away and you begin to slowly move forward into your normal routine. If you have lots of friends, they will definitely do weird, unimaginable things ( like try and set u up lol lol ) to take your mind off of the numbing existence that you now feel since the "break up".
For the last month or so, that is what I've been going thru. There have been good days and some bad days. The good days being when I wake up and not think about all of the dreams I'd had for "us" and the bad days being when I feel like no one will ever want me again. I am getting older...well, we're ALL getting older whether we want to or not and finally in my old age(lmao) I think I've come to a crossroad in my life. That fork in the road that forces me to choose which direction my life will proceed. I am mentioning all of this because for the past week or so Aaron and I have been considering reconciliation. It was nice to hear all of the promises and the compromises that we said we would do. But as each conversation progressed I realized that he will never change. His blantant disrespect at the drop of a dime towards me is horrific. I can't take it. No matter how deep my love was or is for him, I can never trust him to be my companion in life. Too much has happened...Too much has been said. Whenever someone can so easily threaten to take your life because you choose a different path... he is not hurt or in love...he's crazy. I don't want to fight or argue anymore. I don't want to spend my time wondering if he is cheating on me or going to bring home some kind of disease. Most of all, I don't want to be unhappy. Sometimes the hardest decisions we make in life are the keys to our own happiness and success in the future. When it's over it's over. For me..It's the begining to my own happiness.



p.s. today I am off ...what should I do? any suggestions??

Weekends. . .

Why is it that the weekends go by so fast? I can never seem to grasp the concept. When I am sitting my ass at work 12 hrs a day it doesn't fly by! Soon as I get 2 little funky days off time wants to speed up.

Stupid Bitches. . .

Ok here is the deal.. there is this one girl whom used to work in my dept. She now works in repair...I know everyone has that one person who they can't stand. That one person that always has to try and start something with the other people you work with. Let me tell you about this bitch! Not only has she tried to get me in trouble like 3 times, the bitch tries to be funny..case in point: A few days back I xferd a customer to their dept...first of all, he didn't belong in collections and secondly he asked to go back to repair. Anyway, this bitch ( and I am going to continue to refer to her as such) comes over to my desk and asked me if I xferd the call over there. So, I said yea. i'm thinking this bitch shoooo doesn't look like Stacey Williams ( my sup) so why is she over here trying to reprimand me. Next thing I know here comes Willie (from QA) asking me waht happened on that call. At this point I don't know what is going on. It wasn't like I had an issue with the customer... IT wasn't even supposed to be in my dept to begin with. Next thing here comes repair sup talking to my sup..WTF??? Anyhow, it was told to me that people whom are NOT sup's should not be coming and saying shit to us...period..WELL, today that bitch crossed the line and I swear I almost hit her with my shoe! She comes back here laughing and giggling to one of the leads...reaches over to my desk and grabs my tissue. AHHHHHUuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh That is a NO NO!!!! I hear my lead telling her not to come back here messing with her people. So this bitch is fucking with me purposely... I had to walk away, because I NEED my job..but I wll fuck this bitch up....Does she know I'm not from Vegas...ohhh I need to breathe..Walk away Cherise. You know I had this problem when I was in high school..ugly, black ass hating bitches just need some attention.


Peace Out!!

Ohhh Wee It's Friday..FINALLY! Pay day ...and other incidents of DRAMA!

Today is the day I'm rewarded for all the hard work I've done in the last 2wks... lol
Not many bills to pay, but I think I'm going to save some money... Speaking of money, You know I bought a bed over a month ago.... I paid the first payment and the delivery charge. I was told the bed would get to me in apprx 5 weeks. So what does that mean to the average person? Well, I would like to think of myself as the average person.. ((hahah)) Ultimately, I figured I would have the bed sometime around the first or second week of April. Well, guess what? I ain't got my damn bed!!! Now, it wouldn't have been so bad if they wouldn't have told me last week that I was to be scheduled for delivery this coming Sat. I called on Monday and was told no worries we'll have the manager call you. Tuesday came and went...no calls... nothing. By Wednesday I am a little teed off (( just a little :) for those that KNOW me)) I call the store and I'm told it's going to be another 10 days before they even get my bed here to Nevada. OF COURSE in real time that is another 3wks because I STILL have to WAIT for the delivery. I decided to call the corporate office because obviously the manager could care less about the $170 I've spent for something I don't even have. I talked to Paul in the corporate office and I am told that basically I am SOL(shit outta luck)....If I cancel the order I can't get my first payment refunded, but I can have my $65 delivery charge mailed to me....Oh helllllll NAAAAWWWW! Not only did I give them cash, but I've waited patiently for 5 1/2 weeks... very patiently if I may add. Can u guess what happened next? Oh yes I made my way to Ashley Furniture as soon as the clocked chimed 6:30pm..and it happend to be right down the street from my job!!! I get there and no manager. By this time I am beyond a little pissed, I am full fledged MAD, ANGRY & ready to slap somebody. So the little guy that is running the store gets the manager, Matt on the phone. The conversation went something to this effect.... Me: Matt, Why haven't u returned any of my calls. I'm not going to wait any longer for the bed and I will go to court to get my money back. Matt: I talked to Paul and here is how it's going to go down, so shut the hell up and listen.... ME: What? (( oh he did not just tell me to shut the hell up)) You need to slow down &*%$#@#!&@@!! Don't talk to me like I owe you any money,( more cussing) Matt: goodbye.
Yes that motha fucca hung up on me. I cussed everyone in that bitch out...lol It was not funny. Not only am I getting my money back, but I plan to pursue this as far as I can take it. AND I am getting ALL of my money back!!!

be back later

Why do I love u( for Aaron)

Reflecting upon the last years with Aaron has brought me to this conclusion:He NEEDs to know he was my everything. Please listen. . .


I remember our first conversation...I couldn't believe how intelligent you were. The way you carried yourself was very impressive. You seemed to be the total package...Tall, handsome, smart,funny and respectful.
The first time we met I was completely mesmorized by your beautiful eyes...EVEN now they are a constant presence in my mind..reminding of the security I am now without.
The safest place I've ever been is in your arms.
Remember the night we went to the beach? What an indescribable experience.... ;) or all the walks in the park...the bubble baths and massages...There are so many great things about you. In our good times, your are my savior, my voice of reason. You've never let me give up even when I'm at my lowest. You helped me overcome many of fears.... You stood me in front of my mirror of rejection and accepted me as I am. Beautiful. You took my son in as if he were yours .... guiding him and reinforcing what he didn't have. I'm grateful for that. You've given me your last when you had nothing more to give... loved me harder than any man I've known...provided me with a lasting impression that refuses to leave my heart. I love you for all of that. Every moment..whether good or bad has affected me in a way I'd never imagined. I love every piece of you... I can't sleep without you. I don't know how to be enough for you, I don't know how to make you underdstand who it is that I am and what is going on inside of my soul.

cherise

Good Morning. . .

Another 6am day that is off to a great start... I actually got some sleep last nite. I wasn't even annoyed by the alarm that went off @ 4:45 am. I am starting to enjoy being up early in the morning. I think when they cut the OT I am going to start walking @ 6am instead of the evening. I'm changing so much. Last nite, I was driving with all my windows down, listening to my song (smile Teej) and I realized how much I've grown over the years... I'm really starting to appreciate who I am. I recall in the past how I used to truly hate that I was lite skin or mixed. I hated the fact that I always had to explain what I was.... where I came from. Today, I am thankful for my white mother and black father.. I am thankful for the skin that I have that tans instead of burns and the hair the grows no matter what I do to it... and I am in no way trying to sound arrogant. It's just that I spend so much time putting myself down. Worrying about my weight...what other's think about me...instead of loving me for who I am. I'm truly making an effort to work on that.
Hi Aaron, thanks for calling me a fat bitch today... u made me realize how important I really am to u.!!!!!!!!!!! be back later.

Will it ever end?

I deleted what was here. I was angry. Maybe he'll understand that he hurts me. It needs to end.
I don't want to fight anymore.

Today is a new day. . .

I didn't write at all yesterday.WHY? Well, I have no comment, let's just move on. It's absolutely beautiful today. I have been awake since about 4:45am.. I made breakfast....ate and had a pleasant drive to work. I am not too tired. So, hopefully today should be a good day.
be back later

Why have I lost you?

Thanks to my good friend, Teej I am no longer searching for the artist of this song... my troubles are over and I plan to run out and cop this record as soon as I find it... This song just clearly recognizes my pain...so I will leave u with some TRUE ole skool... PEACE


Let’s talk about loneliness
You know sometimes it can fool you
Into believing you’re on top of the world
No one can top you or stop you
And everything you’ve ever wanted Is right at your fingertips
But as always reality steps in
And shocks you right back into the present
And all you can do is ask yourself
Over and over, why?
What happened to the love
That brought us both so much joy and happiness
Hey, I know things change
People change
But this hurts, I mean really hurts.
I guess it all boils down to the fact
That we really didn’t know each other anyway, huh
Yeah, I know Say, say, wait a minute
Let me tell you exactly how I feel, okay?

Today I’m just a lonely man
But tomorrow I’ll be a king
Blessing all my subjects
Cast afar in securities
The whole wide world will watch me
As I walk up to my throne
Knights in shining armor
Stand around to heed my call



But wait a minute
I’m still lonely, mmm...hmm... (Still lonely, still lonely)
I guess anyone can dream
But when you lose someone it seems so unimportant
Although every person change
Different times and different ways
But never all the same

Why (Why...) have I lost you (Have I lost you, ooh...)Why (Why...) tell me, ooh...(Although every person changeWhy have I lost youDifferent times and different waysWhy (Why...) tell me, ooh... (Ooh...ooh...ooh...ooh...why...)


damn I'm in tears....

Life Sucks without a Man....!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like I stated previously, I haven't been up to much this weekend. I did do a little home improvement shopping... Starting with a lock for my door and a T.V. stand for my bedroom. When I got home from purchasing these items I immediately went to work on the dead bolt for my door.
Now I've changed many of locks in my day, but this shit had me frustrated, yelling and cussing at myself and the damn lock. Finally, my son came out to see what all of the ruckus was and he found me sitting in the middle of the floor with my hair all over the place and pieces of the door handle strewn about.... about 45 minutes later I figured out I had the damned thing upside down... ( oh yea! Real smart, Cherise) After I managed to put the thing in correctly I completed that task. On to the T/V stand. In the store it looked simple enough. I took out all of the pieces and then I realized I needed some tools. Shit!@@#!@#*! lol All I had was this small, orange flat head screw driver..Well, being the headstrong person that I am, it would have to do. So I managed to get about 2 screws in and then my arm hurt so bad that it felt like it was going to fall off!! I am thinking to myself, damn I wish Aaron was here. This would have been done already. ( more cussing) I fell asleep right on the floor ontop of all the wood I had sprawled out. Life sure sucks without a man...well, at least without my man. ( didn't finish the damn thing until 5 pm today)

Weekend Blues....

I didn't much of anything this weekend. I cleaned of course. I washed clothes. I ran a few errands, but other than that this weekend has just been blahhhhhhhhhh! I was invited over to my friend's house. I just didn't feel like being bothered. So tomorrow I will be @ work @ 6am..Here we go again.....

Sex walking...

FYI..... I woke up this morning asshole naked. Trust me when I say I went to bed with my nite shirt and my panties on... and there was NO ONE ELSE IN MY BED EXCEPT ME. I was really tripping this morning when i woke up ontop of my nite shirt ...don't ask where the panties were.. lol I can't remember and I don't know if I was asleep and just removed it during a dream... Maybe I've just worked too many damn hours!! Either way, it was real creepy...especially since my lips were numb. ........ lmao

I ain't the one...

I've worked too many fucking hours this week.PERIOD. I am tired. Hungry. Horny.TIRED.HORNY. Just fucking tired, so yesterday when my son called me and said, "Momma, there are 2 guys sitting @ your table eating hamburgers and the house is smokey."
I almost fell the fuck out! You may wonder WHY there were 2 men sitting in my house when I am clearly @ work! Well, for the past 2 months my 20 yr old sister, Jessica has been living with me. I thought I'd set the rules clear when she came. 1. $250 a month, plus contribute to food and toiletries 2. NO one in my house! 3. Clean up your own mess
So far none of these rules have been upheld. The funny part is I feel like my mother. Thinking back to all the conversations we've had over the years and all the advice that she's given and I that I refused to take heed to... I think Maybe now this is karma's way of kicking me in the ass! I decided to let her come here because no one else wanted to deal with her. She is 20 yrs old w/o a high school diploma..she doesn't have any children...basically, her life could be a lot different. She has the opportunity and the means to do so much and I don't want to see her hurt. But when I looked at her last nite...she reminded me so much of myself. I told her the life she is living is a road to nowhere. All the men and the staying out late nites is only going to lead down one of 2 roads....WE all KNOW where they go. I realized after having a long conversation with my Mom last nite, that I can only change and work on me. As much as I like to dictate the right way to live to everyone else, it is not my place. I have my own issues and problems that I am working on. I have to take care of my son & myself for once. So I walked away. She only has one more chance. Then I am done regardless of how cruel that may sound.... be back later

Suck it up!....

Ok I didn' t get to bed until almost Midnight...and here I am right back at work...Shit I'm tired. I Can barely keep my eyes open. I moved my desk last night, so now I am on the right side of Nakia and he is getting on my fucking nerves... lol I know he is reading this is as I type and I guess I deserve it because I did the same thing to him when I sat on his left side.., Oh well! Last night was quite emotional for me. After work I did my usual routine... straight to Willie's/Nakia. During American Idol the subject of Joe came up... Maybe I'm selfish in thinking that everyone can understand how I feel about him. Most people think I am truly crazy when it comes to him, but at this point I don't give a fuck! Opinions are just that...opinions! They have absolutlely no bearing on me or my situation. I understand that people in my life get tired of hearing about JOE..shit I'm tired of hearing about Joe! But, understand that IF I COULD STOP LOVING HIM I WOULD.......... IF I COULD WALK AWAY I WOULD. I just can't. Deep down inside I believe that he is a real person whom will one day come around and realize that I was a true friend... Until then...Deal with it! ! !
Next emotionally draining moment.... Aaron. He calls me yesterday while I was at work and wants to know why I didn't return a movie that he rented for me over a month ago. Well, I forgot. With work... my son... my bills and WORK... I haven't much time for any other pertinent thoughts. True enough he did ask me a few times to return it, but I honestly forgot. What's the big deal??? He felt the need to go on a rampage .. yelling and screaming and calling me out of my name... What's new? What ticks me off the most is he will send me these weird messages later on in the day like nothing happen... like he didn't just call me a bitch AND tell me to get out of his life and never contact him again. WTF???? Last night I'm on my way home and he sends me this pathetic message about what he doesn't have and how he feels.. Ok, so why does he continually treat me like shit? (Tell me that, Aaron!!!!) It's ok to be upset with me because I forgot to do what he asked, but it's not ok for him to call me names and terrorize my soul on a day to day basis because he's not happy in his current situation. Why can't this man understand that he is fully responsible for my distance and coldness. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but how much can one person take?? I've conceded .... I've accepted defeat.. but it seems as though he is hell bent on making whatever little happiness I have non- existant. I don't have the will to fight anymore and I stopped caring about the other women. I just don't care. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to love anyone. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I hate that I can't stop loving him , but I'm tryin.
be back later

Performance Review.... Ummhmmm

Today is the day I fOUND out how much I am going to make for the rest of the year... Yea I got a raise. It was funny because I wasn't even expecting what I got. I'm a lil embarrassed to even say how much, but I will say that my review went well. Both my manager and sup praised me for my performance. Although I only received a 6 cents increase I am thankful that at least I am recognized for the job that I try to get done. On another note...Maaaan I sure need to get my ass to bed ontime.. I even called myself spending the night over Willie/ Nakia's last nite to be closer to work...but I still didn't make it here until 7:30 am.... (ummhmm Teej) lol Anyhow, I've been thinking... I may be a lesbian. HAHAHA. I sure miss Aaron though....
be back later. Peace

Feelings Hurt...

I had an issue with one of my friends today. He just happens to be friends with you know who (Joseph Wiley) ummhmmm and i swear if they are not kindred souls. Anyhow, I've noticed how this person can be at times very disagreeable or flat mean!! I'm not even referring to me. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. As a human that doesn't always work out, but I try! In the past I've learned to just keep my mouth shut if I want to keep my friends, but I'm thinking to myself what kind of shit is that? They don't think about the shit that flies out of their mouth or how it affects me ..so why should I? Well, I guess it comes down to being the bigger person sometimes. We have to learn to just let certain things go and just move on... (sigh) another lesson I've learned the hard way. Why continue to waste so much life on bullshit... ????i don't get it. But hey! To each his/her own.

What the hell was I thinking

Yesterday was mad crazy...............I mean, the customer's were off da chain!! I was so busy I couldn't think straight, not to mention I came in @ 7am and I didn't get to bed until almost 11pm. I was irritable and tired by Noon. It's safe to say it wasn't a great day! Moving forward, I had the most disturbing conversation with Aaron yesterday. Honestly, I don't even want to entertain it with anymore detail than that...let's just say it wasn't flattering. I'm at a point now where I am ok with being alone. There are times when I wake up and I need him and then there are other times when I hate him. He doesn't understand me. It appears that he doesn't even want to. I know I'm not perfect and I am quite sure I have hurt him deeply, but in all fairness to me he needs to accept responsibility for his actions. There isn't anyone that was more dear to my heart than him, but he was too busy comparing himself to everyone else in my life that he was too blind to see! Partly I am to blame for this. As of right now I'm tired of explaining myself to him and justifying who am I. For once, I just want to be normal. You know, work...come home...cook...be a mom,...ect.... No drama like car chases...fighting...throwing candles...screaming...sleepless nights... I just want to be normal..............................................................................................................!!!!!!

Speaking of normal..I called myself bowling last nite. I KNEW I was tired..I worked 11 1/2
hours, but I didn't want to go home...It's so empty there. My son already was out at a friends house and my sister was cooped up in the room, as usual. So I decided I would go. We went in a fairly large group ....6 adults and 2 kids... And I had a ball.. you know I was with my babies..lol Willie, Nakia, Jamal and Scooey. Being out with them is sure to get me in trouble. lol Of course I lost coming in 4th place, but I had a good time. So I didn't get home until after 11pm and you know what that means....
I didn't get here until almost 9am... I was supposed to be here @ 6am to get my 4 hours of OT, but it didn't happen! lol I laid in my bed and didn't move when that alarm went off. I couldn't move. And Willie just kept calling me, that bitch! lol Fucking up what little intimacy I get..................................... In my dreams. I'm shooooo NOT getting any from any other source. (*wink*) unless u know about my toys, but does that count?? I think I'm getting sexually frustrated... ((sigh)) Oh well, it will pass as do all things.... Be back later. PEACE

Just Sick,.....

It's very busy right now, so I will have to come back later and really write what I'M REALLY THINKING. I will say this to the person that continues to drain my soul...Don't worry when I'm talking about you...Worry when I stop.
cherise

My life. . .

Leave it up to Mary j to write a song that gets u thinkin about all the hurt and pain you'd thought you'd gotten over... I'm on my way to work...and I just happen to be listening to one of my favorite Mary j cd's, "My Life"... That cd is one the greatest she's ever made and of course every song has a direct meaning for every possible hardship I've gone thru... So I'm driving and singing and then the song "I love you"comes on... And now I'm forced to think of him and us..and our situation.I'd been doing ok up until Mary came on singing... Here's the lyrics...Maybe then you can understand why I am a little depressed... Although cute... still depressed.



Ohhhhh(Chorus)All those pretty memories,I know you can hear me now...For the record,I love you, I love you(Repeat)

(Vs.1)
When I found out that you were leaving me,I coudn't sleep thinking about All the things that we've been through.Now all that I want to do Is tell you that I, (I)Miss you...so much...(You know I really really miss you...)

(Chorus)

(Vs.2)Now that I'm on my ownI know that in time I'll find somebody new(Who'll treat me better than you)So I'll go all alone without you,But I still love you ..You know I'll never live without you

(Chorus)


I wish you'd change your ways soon enough, So we can be together...You just don't understand good enough,But now all we have is memories...


(Chorus)


Memories we shared....No one else could compare...Ohh, I miss you, I miss you...Oh I miss you...of the way we used to be,Oh, those pretty memories.....Oh.......I miss you...I miss you...Oh, I miss you...Ohh...




((SIGH)) Love is so far away. Reese

((SIgh)) Back to work....

Ummmhmmmm....It's Sunday that day before Monday and we all know what that means...(at least for 90% of the normal population) BACK TO WORK! So, all I can do is Sigh. I am going to pull the 12hour days AGAIN all week. I need all the money I can get. My sister shorted me once again. I should have listened to my mom and never let her come here. She is 20 years old and has no sense of direction! Yea, I remember those days. BUT, I lived on my own back then and didn't have to answer to anyone! She's been here all but 2 months and she's already running the streets with strange people.Well... what can I say? Not much. I have my own problems to deal with..( like work tomorrow) as long as she doesn't bring them into my house we will have no problems...So, 5am is going to come really fast...especially since I lost that damn hour... (still upset about that) Right about now I'm just going thru my list of thoughts, so if it sounds like I'm ranting or raving... I'm am!! LMAO Aaron told me today that I don't praise him like I do everyone else in my life. He's right and honestly I don't have a valid reason. Maybe I will after a fews days of thinking about it. I do love him, but like I said we need MORE than love right now.
Anyhow, I am going to eat..shower and sleep. Hopefully in that order. Teej left me hanging ...lol eating some damn fries @ hooters...........ummmmmmmhmmmmmm Nite.

Time Changed...What the hell?

I want my fucking hour back...shit I NEED my hour back...
lol lol
Today was a loooooooooong day. Not only have I been awake since 5 am yesterday, but my great, lovely friends decided they were going to drag me along as their side kick tour guide. I started the day @ the beauty shop...and of course there was some lady selling barbque chicken dinners...and I'm thinking to myself..damn, It's 7am who the hell eats
barbque that early and when the hell did she find the time to cook it? (Still laughing at the one) Anyway, being that I'm in the typical beauty shop there is a purse man and of course a jewelry man... Well, I held onto to my self restraint with the purse man... I mean, technically I could use a new Louis Vutton purse...but I really didn't need it. Now, the jewelry man, he knew what he was up to. He seen me sitting there at the dryer and he walked up and asked me did I want to see anything... My First response, NO! Then he comes back with his big suitcase and starts pulling out all kind of stuff...RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME... like I said, he knew what he was doing... So, I caved and bought some earrings and a bracelet... that was $70 bucks right there...not counting my hair!

Anyway, after the beauty shop I went back to my friend's house, Willie and Nakia...I'd left my son there so I had no choice but to go back. I knew they had company in from Chicago. When I get there they are all outside.
So after some quick introductions I'm told we are going to eat...Good, I'm thinking b/c I'm sure hungry..haven't eaten since 2 pm the day before and I'm famished. Off to the restaurant we go...We get there and immediately I sense there is going to be trouble, trouble, trouble! lol
First, the waitress is an old ass white lady with a heavy Boston accent. She can't hear that well and she's rude ass hell. Yea, we're off to a great start!! Secondly, we are in a casino so there is certain things the kids can't eat on the menu, like the gambler's special...hahah...I'm thinking, Who gives a fuck, right it's food. SO we order.. Food comes and mine is cold...(big NO NO NO!!!) My pancakes are hard as hell, my eggs/bacon cold ass hell....MANAGER PLEASE!!! lol Let's just say we got the entire bill for $4.10.... HA!
AND so we move on...so now I'm forced to park my car and jump in one of the SUVs ...Which I think is a ploy to prevent me from leaving during the day... (it worked) It was hot and I was tired before we started...We ended up going to the one of the outlet malls..in which MORE money was spent.....damn I want my money back...lol After all the walking and errand running...The last thing I want to do is go to a child's bday party with a bunch more screaming kids....at a pizza joint with a roller coaster inside...but guess what? I went...
So by 8 pm we are finally back at Willie/Nakia's... I'm irritable, tired, Sleepy, tired, Sleepy, irritable...lol I take off my clothes and fall straight into their bed.... I woke up around 2am when Willie decides to turn the fan off and the heater on... THAT'S a sure fire way to get me outta your bed... lol Good Job, Willie! I quickly grabbed my son and all the junk I bought today and head home...so here I am @ 4am...wide awake..typing away....Which brings me to my last and final point... Don't ask for honesty if you can't handle it. Don't walk away and expect an audience.

Keeping it real...

I was having this conversation with Aaron today and yea I was being a little bitch. Why? Because I was sitting at work just looking at his name lit up on my trillian and I became angry. I'm thinking to myself, "Who the fuck does he think he is?". He literally walked out on US and our family... and then he has the nerve to place the burden right ontop of my shoulders. Correct me if I'm wrong, but "relationship" means more than one person right? Then ontop of all the name calling, threats, damage to my property, cheating and lying he has the nerve to get mad when I write about a man I've only been chatting with for a week. And that is not to make light of the situation. See, there have been incidents in the past where Aaron has cheated... I dealt with it for awhile, but soon I became weary of the constant lying and insecurities I faced when dealing with our day to day relationship.A few months back I'd met a dancer that I became very close with. HE is gorgeous!! Absolutely breathtaking. (So is Aaron by the way) I met him after months of my friends begging me to come to this all nude male revue. I believe that him and I had a connection from the moment our eyes met. He became smitten with me and soon we were having conversations on the phone and I was at the club every Saturday for weeks on end. Now mind you at the time Aaron and I were going thru one of break-up phases. That's when he packs up all of his stuff and moves back to his grandmother's house. Perfect timing for bonding. It wasn't intentional that WE became close. It was destiny. I have serious issues being alone and he solved those issues. What I think Aaron doesn't realize is he played a major role in forming that relationship. Everytime he cheated in the past..all the women he's had sexual conversations with in my home, on my pc...all the times he tore down the very woman I am with his evil words pushed me into this relationship. This man was everything to me that he wasn't and he made me feel beautiful. Now just for the sake of being fair here...I'M NO ANGEL. Aaron is not an evil monster that terrorized my world! He just didn't go about getting his points across very well at times. For the last year or so we havent been right...AT ALL! I want to make it clear I didn't sleep with the stripper, although that is up for debate by some... (hmmm) but, fortunately I have some self respect. The dancer and I did have one rendezvous, but hardly anything more than heavy petting and nothing I would call SEX. I did feel a lil guilty for my actions because I felt I was doing them out of revenge. I am sorry for that. But when does Aaron have to stop pointing fingers at me and re-evaluate himself? I have no problem taking responsibility for my actions, but damn I didn't cause this by myself. One thing about me, I'm no cheater!!! If I'm in love ...that is it!! I guess I fell outta love at some point and didn't want to admit it or let go of Aaron because I was scared. I was scared of something new. Even now, as I write this I feel like I am still trying to cover up some deeper feeling or meaning to this all. If I ask myself do I love him....I answer yes immediately..If I ask myself why.... I search for an answer....that is where my confusion comes in. And when you love someone you should ALWAYS know why. It shouldn't be out of convenience or habit. It should be because this is the person that you know without a doubt is your very best friend. Someone who will always have your back when no one else does. Someone who doesn't walk away when things get tough....Someone who compliments every negative/positive quality about you...I guess the real deal is I don't know if that is Aaron. I don't want to hurt him or fight with him. I just need to get to a point of resolution. I don't know how.

T.G.I.F !!! APRIL FOOL'S DAY....

This morning I woke up in a rather good mood. Although, I was still quite drowsy when the alarm rang @ 5am, I immediately popped up and headed straight to the bathroom to get my day started. The ride to work was without incident..the freeway was unusually empty, but then again it was 5:30 am. Lately, I've been working lots of OT...the benefits of which I will soon reap...TODAY is PAYDAY...lol And time to pay the rent once again. I plan to spend my weekend in the company of my friends enjoying the sunshine and washing my dirty car.. :) (hopefully it won't rain, AGAIN!! I held out the last 2 weeks) Anyway, I arrived at work with a plot already in mind (hehe) ! We all know it's April Fool's Day... a day for cruel and heartless pranks and that is what I intend to do..,, Being that it is 6am and my baby Nakia is nice and snug in his bed, I feel he is the PERFECT candidate for my first trick of the day. I get to my desk and decide to include a few of my fellow co-workers in on the gag, including My supervisor and the Call Center Manager..(we love to have fun here) Here's the Plot:
We pack up all his belongings on his desk. Get a taped call from quality.,,,, Get the supervisor and the manager to walk him into the office like he is being fired..and the tape plays April Fool's.... LOL LOL

The scene:

He walks in to an empty desk... First thing he does is ask me what's going on. I say, Ummm I don't know..( with my best actress award looking somber face) Stacey (sup) just packed up your stuff, she didn't say anything to me. Next, his phone rings, it's Stacey asking him to meet in Cindy's office (our manager).... He walks into the office, Meanwhile the entire dept is sitting on pins and needles.. willie and I creep by the open window to watch..Willie snaps pictures...lol lol Then we hear the laughter..the tape is played and he hears himself talking to a customer...he's sitting there thinking that he is about to be fired b/c of something he's done wrong and then in the middle of the call he is listening to...We scream April Fool's.....It was classic...


So once again I have prevailed on April Fool's... Don't be Fooled


P.S. I love you Nakia... :) lol lol lol