I just exhaled....this is gonna get DEEP.

(Sigh) I hope I didn't mess up a good thing. Well, I was told something today that I didn't want to hear...Something that I've heard before (and I didn't want to hear it then) Sometimes I have a tendency to do "things" on purpose just for a reaction or just for the satisfaction that I can get one. Now, this may be just who I am or it can simply be the Taurus in me. I'm known to hold grudges and I can be a vindictive Bitch sometimes. Trust me when I say this is not a usual activity in my life. Like a bull, I only charge when angered or aroused...So, honestly it's in my nature. :) It's not in my nature to hurt people for no reason. I've had enough of the arguing and finger pointing in the last 3 years to last me a lifetime, so the last situation I need right now is another frivolous disagreement. ..... .......
Im thinking to myself:
There was nothing more in the world that I wanted than to have a family with Aaron. I have the fertility medication in my drawer right now to prove it. I went thru all the tests and prodding & poking just so I could give him a seed. Then when it came down to actually making good on everything I'd went thru... I stopped dead in my tracks WHY???? I looked back on the last 10 yrs of my life..18-28 ..Wow!! time really passed fast. I'd seen and done more than I'd ever imagined I'd do. I had this beautiful son that rocked my world when I was 19....Basically, him and I have grown up together....I've made many mistakes...The biggest one was not being aware of the consequences for my actions and how they effect him. I never loved his father.... I never really knew him...Unlike how well I know Aaron. We've never shared any common bonds. He was just a guy that filled a void when my first love and I separated. That's it!! We used protection. I still got pregnant. I had my son because it was a choice I made without any concern for his well being. I was selfish. I didn't ever want to do that again. Sure, his dad was around for awhile...Even here up until a few years ago...But never enough to matter. That is my fault. One day, I will deal with that consequence. So, when I thought about everything Aaron and I have been thru, I didn't think it wise to bring a baby into this equation... Not now, I'm still growing up everyday. Learning to deal with MY life responsibly. Please believe that I've done it all. I'm extremely intelligent, but sometimes I make extremely ignorant choices. I'm not trying to do that anymore. I think before I act. At least for the most part, I try to .... Right now, that is all that matters. I'm cleaning up messes I'd made years before and it hurts. When I was younger I remember hearing people say, " If I knew then what I know now, I would have done a lot of things differently". Boy!! Is that the REALEST statement you've ever heard? I never took heed to that when I was younger. You have no sense of mortality when you're young...You just live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realize now that just living costs me a lot... My singing, My writing, My dancing...Shit, My talent PERIOD!!.....Even my body. I've been so caught up in JUST LIVING that life has simply melted away and I was completely oblivious to it's cautions.......... In less than 2 months I will be 29 yrs old. What do I have to show for it? All the bullshit material things I've accumulated? I'm so ready to pack up and leave... Breath fresh air and start a new life. A better life without all the memories of pain and despair. The only REAL things I really have in this world that are mine aremy son and my talents. I'm learning I better nurture both before it's too late and I have neither. Like I said I just exhaled.... I can breathe..........................


P.S. Joseph finally replied to my constant cries for help.
Finally, I do believe that everything in this world happens for a reason.
EVERYTHING. Reese 2005