Damn I'm stupid....

You know I've listened to everyone's opinions and concerns about my relationship with Aaron. I've lost one of my dearest friends because of him. I've chased and fought, yelled and screamed, cried and wondered what the fuck is wrong with me? Yet at the end of it all I still loved him.WHY? I get that question a lot. There was something so real about him. He never let me be mediocre... he pushed me to be the best...and for me that was his best quality and what kept me around thru all the drama. It's been 3 yrs now...I've been thru the cheating and the lies...I forgave him, but I never forgot. Maybe, I thought, this is my fault...because If I don't let go we can never move forward. Turns out he was everything I accused him of.... and I'm laughing right now to hold back this surging rage....it's simmering and at the moment I have no one to hold onto but myself. I was scared to let him go. I was scared to be alone. For the last few months I've distanced myself from him preparing for the day that he decided to leave me. I stopped paying attention to what he was doing on the internet...I acted like I didn't care anymore. I never questioned his whereabouts...was I wrong? In the past, my insecurities led to violent arguments...so I laid off..
Last Friday we had a very deep conversation...we talked about how long it had been since we'd been out together..we decided to spend the night out doing something "fun"...my choice of course. So, I get off work and rush home..all the while with him on my mind... I get home and find him on the couch, with his friend watching a basketball game..so I go straight to my room. The friend leaves and he comes into the bathroom and says where are we going...I said, Well, I'm not in the mood anymore...so now he's upset. I go into the living room where my son has now made his way....anyway, to make a long story short we get into an arguement about something he'd told me the day before concerning my son. He calls me a liar in front of my son and I become enraged. How dare he contradict me in front of my 10 yr old. Well, let's just say that was the straw that broke the camels back...He is now in California...back with his family. So, we've talked during the last few days..he says he loves me...wants a family...yada yada yada...He tells me that he is going to find a job. Now, he has an ex that has been a factor in our relationship since the begining...an ex he has slept with twice that I know of since we've been together. Of course I'm insecure...what am I thinking? He's fucking her right now. lol Well, my point in all of this is... I get home today and turn on my pc...here pops up his email..which comes on automatically...and who does he have an email from? You got it! Brandy, the bitch ex. I'm devastated. Even though I'm acting like this isn't affecting me, it has. I miss him everyday. I don't sleep much... I don't eat much. Well, guess I was the dumb one for actually believing he wanted me...