I just exhaled....this is gonna get DEEP.

(Sigh) I hope I didn't mess up a good thing. Well, I was told something today that I didn't want to hear...Something that I've heard before (and I didn't want to hear it then) Sometimes I have a tendency to do "things" on purpose just for a reaction or just for the satisfaction that I can get one. Now, this may be just who I am or it can simply be the Taurus in me. I'm known to hold grudges and I can be a vindictive Bitch sometimes. Trust me when I say this is not a usual activity in my life. Like a bull, I only charge when angered or aroused...So, honestly it's in my nature. :) It's not in my nature to hurt people for no reason. I've had enough of the arguing and finger pointing in the last 3 years to last me a lifetime, so the last situation I need right now is another frivolous disagreement. ..... .......
Im thinking to myself:
There was nothing more in the world that I wanted than to have a family with Aaron. I have the fertility medication in my drawer right now to prove it. I went thru all the tests and prodding & poking just so I could give him a seed. Then when it came down to actually making good on everything I'd went thru... I stopped dead in my tracks WHY???? I looked back on the last 10 yrs of my life..18-28 ..Wow!! time really passed fast. I'd seen and done more than I'd ever imagined I'd do. I had this beautiful son that rocked my world when I was 19....Basically, him and I have grown up together....I've made many mistakes...The biggest one was not being aware of the consequences for my actions and how they effect him. I never loved his father.... I never really knew him...Unlike how well I know Aaron. We've never shared any common bonds. He was just a guy that filled a void when my first love and I separated. That's it!! We used protection. I still got pregnant. I had my son because it was a choice I made without any concern for his well being. I was selfish. I didn't ever want to do that again. Sure, his dad was around for awhile...Even here up until a few years ago...But never enough to matter. That is my fault. One day, I will deal with that consequence. So, when I thought about everything Aaron and I have been thru, I didn't think it wise to bring a baby into this equation... Not now, I'm still growing up everyday. Learning to deal with MY life responsibly. Please believe that I've done it all. I'm extremely intelligent, but sometimes I make extremely ignorant choices. I'm not trying to do that anymore. I think before I act. At least for the most part, I try to .... Right now, that is all that matters. I'm cleaning up messes I'd made years before and it hurts. When I was younger I remember hearing people say, " If I knew then what I know now, I would have done a lot of things differently". Boy!! Is that the REALEST statement you've ever heard? I never took heed to that when I was younger. You have no sense of mortality when you're young...You just live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realize now that just living costs me a lot... My singing, My writing, My dancing...Shit, My talent PERIOD!!.....Even my body. I've been so caught up in JUST LIVING that life has simply melted away and I was completely oblivious to it's cautions.......... In less than 2 months I will be 29 yrs old. What do I have to show for it? All the bullshit material things I've accumulated? I'm so ready to pack up and leave... Breath fresh air and start a new life. A better life without all the memories of pain and despair. The only REAL things I really have in this world that are mine aremy son and my talents. I'm learning I better nurture both before it's too late and I have neither. Like I said I just exhaled.... I can breathe..........................


P.S. Joseph finally replied to my constant cries for help.
Finally, I do believe that everything in this world happens for a reason.
EVERYTHING. Reese 2005

Ok I'm pissed! NAw I'm flattered....

I'm flattered to know that some people make it a point to read my words everyday...I MEAN ,THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE HERE FOR. LMAO So, today I'm overworked, tired and very irritable and not in the mood for no ones shit, period! Not for people I KNOW or DON'T KNOW! But, People always try my patience!! Here's my beef: Why is it that you can break up with someone or let's just say they break up with you, but they still feel the need to run guilt trips on you because you're moving on? Isn't that the point of breaking up? I'm confused.... Help me out someone!!! If you walked away from that person, then OBVIOUSLY you didn't want to be with them... RIGHT!!! So why the fuck am I getting sweated about a friend I have 2000 miles away...Hmmm..only leads me to believe that this is one big fucking game...



p.S. today has been a totally fucked up day..listen to my sailor mouth...ya'll know i've been trying to work on that this year... pretty gurl with a foul ass mouth...SEXY isn't it? lol

Another 6am shot...I will reap the benefits!

Ahhhh I'm so sleepy...but that is what I get for staying up talking to my sweetie! He told me to go to bed, but you know it's been so long since I've had conversations like this...ya know just talking to someone who IS ACTUALLY interested.. :) I see trouble on the horizon... haha
Anyhow, I'm struggling to stay awake, by noon I will be done! Looks like another beautiful day, must thank god! Maybe I can go for another walk @ lunch...hmmmm I DID bring my tennis shoes. . . and another thing, Why did I come to work all cute today... lol I regret it now...
I will be back later...

P.S. I've already been cussed out and it's only 8am,..whoa it's going to be another long day.

I said it was going to be a long day....

This is how it went down...I have a customer on my line..who owes about 3 grand...which happens to be 3 months late...So I'm going thru the motions back and forth with him trying to get the payment, (and i ALWAYS get the payment) finally the customer requests to speak with a supervisor because I am not giving in to his many requests to bypass paying the full amount. So we have this procedure where when we have an escalated call we have a super que that we call. In this que are our leads...not SUPERVISORS, but leads, meaning that they have about as much authority as I do... ummhmm Well, I conference over to one of my less favorable leads, RAy...An older man of about 60, hispanic..with a smart ass mouth!! He goes on to tell the customer he can pay whatever he like...Wait a fucking minute..didn't I just tell him something totally different..THEN...here's where the sparks fly...he calls me out...Cherise, take the payment..this customer doesn't need a payment arrangement...I will come and talk to you later about this!! Oh helllllllllllllllllllllllll Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!! No he didn't..motha fucca..now I gotta act black...I politely took over the call and took the payment...but as soon as I got off that phone I marched right back to my sup's desk...Her and I are pretty tight,..and boy I let her know the deal... Let's just say he won't be a problem anymore..... ;) Today was a long day......................................................................................................................................................

Who Cares anyway?

Aaron, I need you to know that you will not break me down. All the low blows to my self-esteem and the degrading names you've called me doesn't work anymore. See, I'm not you. Yes, I've started chatting online and yes I've engaged in a few explicit conversations, but that is none of your business because you walked away!!! Furthermore, if my memory serves me correct, you've engaged in this type of behavior our ENTIRE relationship...even taking it a step further and meeting some of these women.... remember Dee...( I'm sure the head was great) lol!!! You're in no position to judge me...and as the days continue on, my love for you is SLOWLY dwindling down to nothing. It's nice to use my attitude as a scapegoat... it's such an easy target since it's so big~! lol lol
Love was NEVER ENOUGH FOR US.... and unfortunately neither was I....

You know this just ain't right....

It's 7:40 am and I've been up since about 10 minutes to 5...I came into work 4hrs early @ 6am.
I'm tired as hell too.. I haven't eaten and I'm hungry. I have 2 bottles of water and some trail mix and that shit ain't doing nothing for me. I didn't get to talk to my sweetie last nite and he called,but I was fast asleep...honestly I can't remember what I said.. lol This man is such a sweetie and I am so looking forward to being his friend. Notice I said friend.., Speaking of friends, I feel it's only natural that I mention Mr. Joseph Wiley. He used to be my best friend. Today, since I'm overly exhausted I will refrain from speading his business.... but I will say when it comes to lessons learned, he was by far the hardest I've ever encountered. See, he is not
speaking to me right now.... lol I do miss him... he is was soul. He made me laugh when I could only cry ... His advice was always real and to the point. I appreciated that. I can only hope that one day we will put aside our differences and make amends..Life is so short when u put it into perspective. I love him and always will.... ANYWAY, I can't believe Willie talked me into coming in here this early!! I didn't even see any birds out this morning. The ride to work was quiet...no accidents.... only the sounds of Justin Timberlake playing in the background, as I gripped the steering wheel like a zombie oblivious to my own consciousness...lol... IT'S GOING TO BE A LOOONG DAY..... I WILL BE BACK...

Damn I'm stupid....

You know I've listened to everyone's opinions and concerns about my relationship with Aaron. I've lost one of my dearest friends because of him. I've chased and fought, yelled and screamed, cried and wondered what the fuck is wrong with me? Yet at the end of it all I still loved him.WHY? I get that question a lot. There was something so real about him. He never let me be mediocre... he pushed me to be the best...and for me that was his best quality and what kept me around thru all the drama. It's been 3 yrs now...I've been thru the cheating and the lies...I forgave him, but I never forgot. Maybe, I thought, this is my fault...because If I don't let go we can never move forward. Turns out he was everything I accused him of.... and I'm laughing right now to hold back this surging rage....it's simmering and at the moment I have no one to hold onto but myself. I was scared to let him go. I was scared to be alone. For the last few months I've distanced myself from him preparing for the day that he decided to leave me. I stopped paying attention to what he was doing on the internet...I acted like I didn't care anymore. I never questioned his whereabouts...was I wrong? In the past, my insecurities led to violent arguments...so I laid off..
Last Friday we had a very deep conversation...we talked about how long it had been since we'd been out together..we decided to spend the night out doing something "fun"...my choice of course. So, I get off work and rush home..all the while with him on my mind... I get home and find him on the couch, with his friend watching a basketball game..so I go straight to my room. The friend leaves and he comes into the bathroom and says where are we going...I said, Well, I'm not in the mood anymore...so now he's upset. I go into the living room where my son has now made his way....anyway, to make a long story short we get into an arguement about something he'd told me the day before concerning my son. He calls me a liar in front of my son and I become enraged. How dare he contradict me in front of my 10 yr old. Well, let's just say that was the straw that broke the camels back...He is now in California...back with his family. So, we've talked during the last few days..he says he loves me...wants a family...yada yada yada...He tells me that he is going to find a job. Now, he has an ex that has been a factor in our relationship since the begining...an ex he has slept with twice that I know of since we've been together. Of course I'm insecure...what am I thinking? He's fucking her right now. lol Well, my point in all of this is... I get home today and turn on my pc...here pops up his email..which comes on automatically...and who does he have an email from? You got it! Brandy, the bitch ex. I'm devastated. Even though I'm acting like this isn't affecting me, it has. I miss him everyday. I don't sleep much... I don't eat much. Well, guess I was the dumb one for actually believing he wanted me...

Sweet Dreams....

Ummm yes it's true, I didn't get to bed until almost 12:30 am....lmao. Why, you may ask...well let's just say I had the safest sex I've ever had...lol and i'm still blushing... Yes!! I met someone that really gets my blood boiling, BUT.. he lives 2000 miles away... Which is probably a good thing because neither one of us are in any position to start something new...We both have our hearts tied to someone else...but it feels so good to be able to have new conversations without any stress ...without drama... without pain... I wonder if he feels the same. The more I get to know him the more intrigued I become...we have so much in common and boy can he make me smile. :) I crossed all my boundries last night with someone I barely knew, but it felt right...and I loved every minute of it...Although, I did wake up in the morning feeling like I had a one night stand... a lil embarrassed. It's all good. Could it be that i've found a straight man, who is working, gorgeous, smart, witty, sexy, down to earth(yes! he is ALL of those things) and most of all he loves America's Next Top model!! I must have died and gone to heaven...Oh! I almost forgot...he lives in Chicago...there's the catch and my wake up call from this extraordinary dream!!!

p.s. willie is a jerk today....ummhmmm and nakia is still eating.
wonder what Mr.Wiley is up to..probably being mean somewhere
Wicked Witches of the South and the West...ummm hmmm :) hahah

Still up...Playing sex games..

I can type, but can't touch...Isn't that a bitch...well, I can't wait to explore all the possibilities that may come out of this cyber sex session.I used to cuss my ex out for entering into these taboo, online sexual relationships...They aren't real...or are they??? I mean logically thinking about it...some of my online friends know more intimate details about me than my actual real life friends. So what does that say about our society? How many nites have you stayed up chatting for hours with someone you've never met? Ummmm pondering . You tell me?

Sleep.Work.Sleep.

So, I know I need to be asleep...I am attempting to go in to work @ 6am. We'll see how it goes. lol I always say today is the day, but it never happens...but I promised Willie that I would at least try to come one day @6am. Usually I go in about 2 hrs early...around 8am...My start time is 10am...I may just drag in with my pj's on (no one will notice, u should see how some of those people dress on a regular basis,lol) Hopefully, I won't get any crazy people before the sun rises. You never kno though, especially in my line of work. Well, goodnite to anyone that cares...AND I PROMISE IT'S GONNA GET REAL DEEP IN A FEW DAYS...I'M JUST FEELING MY WAY AROUND RIGHT NOW.

PEACE

ONE MORE THING.....

FOR THE LITTLE PERSON THAT WORKS IN OUR QUALITY DEPT...HOPE U WEREN'T LISTENING TO THAT LAST CALL... lol AWWW HIM GOT HIM FEELINGS HURT B/C I DIDN'T MENTION HIS NAME IN MY LAST BLOG...OH! I LOVE U TOO WILLIE..U MAKE ME SMILE TOO..EVEN IF U ARE FRIENDS WITH MY EVIL HALF....AWWWW i LOVE HIM TOO....MY JOE-JO... AND MY WILLIE..BOTH OF YA'LL ARE EVIL.....LOL LOL LOL
EATING BACON SANDWICHES WITH NO EGG...UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Another productive day @ WORK...

Since I have nothing better to do with my time I've decided to spend most of it here @ work.
My son went back to school today which leaves me free to work until I can't even speak anymore. So i came in 2 hrs early....blah blah blah.... and I'm sitting here wondering what he is up to and who with.... Is that bad? I spoke with him last nite and I was extremely mean...he was
telling me that he loves me, he just can't fight with me anymore...I didn't want to hear it...all I can
think about is how selfish he was for leaving. If he really wanted to make this work he would have stayed...found a job and made it easier for us. Anyway, back to work... I am in the collections dept for a local phone company..NO! I'm not one of those annoying people who call u for money... I'm the person u have to deal with when your phone gets shut off..so be nice. The goos thing is that I get to work with my friend, Nakia...who keeps me laughing all day long no matter how depressed I get. AND believe me it does get pretty amusing in here... I acutally enjoy the stories from all the different customers...it's amazing how many of our customer's are terminally ill or just lost their grandmother....or the best yet, i'm running a business, I don't have time to look at bills all day... lol But they sure have time to call when we interupt their lines.. lol
Anyway, I did meet someone very interesting yesterday... a fellow blogger, who has more than intrigued my mind and sparked my curiousity... ( he knows who he is) :) I will be back later.....

Is it over yet....

So he moved back to Cali this weekend...not before confirming that I am the most evil and selfish woman walking the earth. The sad part is I kept my composure until the very end...and then I broke down..Sadly enough, I love this man with all his faults and mistakes that he's made and I didn't want to see him go... Although, I know it is the best thing for us both... There was absolutely nothing positive about our relationship...all the fighting and arguing...all the name calling was simply draining my soul...his as well...

Anyhow, I get an im yesterday from him...NOW, he's like, Well, I love you...I really want a family with u...boy I wish u could slap someone thru the pc...Why does he do this? Why? Less than 48 hrs ago he was yelling and screaming that it was over...he was tired of me. I ceased to exist once he left Nevada and entered cali....damn. I knew this would happen. I have to stand my ground this time, no matter how hard the pain stings. For 3 years we've been on this battlefield called a relationship, with nothing to show.. Except for my bruises and broken hearts...He must know that I'm confused....he must know this only makes things worse. (SIGH) The Saga continues.... I read a quote the other day that really made me think...

"Don't complain about what you accept"