Ugly people.

Here's the deal. I've been to SEVERAL Myspace pages and before I start my rant, let me just say this... I don't think or feel I am the finest or the most attractive woman on Myspace, but dammit I'm close! LOL

Recently I've noticed a lot of myspacers are claiming to be bringing sexy back--------> NOT! You know damned well if you have an ugly ass friend that is up to no good. Stop pumping these unattractive trolls up, making their heads BIGGER than what they are.... then I'm forced to write shit like this. I have much better things to write about, but if I see one more ugly ass woman or man with a title that says, "I'm about to bring Sexy back"... dammit, Imma scream! It's bad enough I have to deal with the pompous, arrogant, napoleon complex negros approaching me like I should be thrilled to be in their presence. We don't need anymore naked 300 pounders, showing off their stretch marks with thongs and high heels on.... That's where I draw the line! True enough, beauty is in the EYES of the beholder, but come on people, everyone ain't beautiful.. There has to be some balance!

So, here's my advice. If you have an ugly friend or even a not so attractive friend, who insists upon sharing their unattractiveness with the world... Tell them to KNOCK IT OFF! Be honest with your friends... I know I'm not perfect ... and just today, Lomies ( the homie) told me I need to up the squats so my ass can lift up just a little bit more.. Now I appreciated that... I work out 4 times a week...BUT I think I will add one more day.. just for ass lifting work! Hey, if you can't be honest with your friends... then what the hell can you be?


Have a good week... Bitches... LMAO

It all comes back to love...

I'm SUPER tired. Been driving for like 7 hours back from AZ and then I hit up Walmart...
Well, I made it home for Thanksgiving and let me tell you, I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME. It's amazing to be around people that you haven't seen for years, but connect automatically when you do come back together... I guess that's why it's called Family. My cousins, Rob, Ryan and Kristin are my joys. WE had a ball... My cousin, Rob is like my other half and we have the tatts to match ;). I feel like I belong when I am with them. And there is nothing more hilarious than my grandmother! 75 years is a long time to be on the earth, so in my book she's entitled to talk shit.

I will say there was one piece missing in my Thanksgiving puzzle and that was Aaron. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel with this being our first Holiday away from one another in 3 years, but I got thru it ok. He did send a few texts to me and I appreciated that. I keep him close to my heart and that way I don't feel so alone. Well, I hope everyone had a great holiday!
My next stop is Chi- Town in about month.. Watch out Teej! Here I come! LMAO

It all makes sense!

So I was talking to my biological father the other night.. and he was kicking some real knowledge about religion and so forth... we get on the subject of our ancestry. Now, understand I don't know my mother's family at all. I've never met her mother and the only person I consider myself in touch with as far as family is my Aunt Annie ( her sister). I don't know any of my other aunt's/uncle...at least not in person. My mother's mother immigrated here from Germany. From what I know, she was in a concentration camp. I don't know much more than that. I have been more acclimated with my father's side, although not very close to them either. I was raised by my step father, who is my daddy... his family has always been My family...
Anyhow, we're talking about my great-grand parents. My grandfather's parents were straight native americans. My great-grandma Thomas was Cherokee ( yea yea I know... ev'ry body says that, but it's true in my case) and my great- grand daddy was a black foot indian. My grandma's parents came from Mississippi. My great-grandma was black... a slave decendant and my great- granddaddy was from Haiti.. WHAT!! I'm part Haitian?
I was rolling. I told my dad, now it all makes sense... Ya'll know Haitians are crazy as hell.... see, if someone would have told me this years ago, I could have avoided a lot of grief... Anyway, just a lil family history..
Peace!

And she breathes again!

Last night I experienced a set back. It's my own fault really. For some reason, I refuse to let him go. He's definitely let go.. shit he threw me back in the ocean. LOL I love him no matter how hard I try not to. The feeling resonates in the pit of my soul.. hidden waiting to be exposed... *SIGH* Who knows how long it will take to get rid of all these"feelings". Even if I pretend that it doesn't bother that he's "seeing" someone else.. .oh and then he sends me pictures of her... and she's really pretty... but then again, so am I ( just a little horn toot for self esteems sake). I truly can't believe he says he loves her... Unconditionally? Well, I take that back.. yes I can. Maybe this is what he needs. Maybe she is better for him that I am. Maybe she can resolve all that anger and pain that resides inside of his brain... hey! I am NOT trying to rhyme... I just naturally flow... Either way, I let some of it go today. I didn't let it affect my day the way I normally would in the past. I suppose this is step forward... towards what some call, Healing? I'd rather crawl up in a little ball and die... but I must face the world and remain strong for my own good and that of my child. I was walking to my car the other morning and suddenly it hit me! What would MarQuin do without me? Who could EVER understand my child the way I do??... that is definitely my motivation to remain here long enough to see him through to adulthood. No man, however wonderful can step in and take my joy or my will to live. That is way to much power to give another individual over my life! I think I am really growing up. I notice so many differences each day....
Thank God for the sunshine.... and rainbows...and the rain... and fresh air... and friends that love you no matter what u look like or what you're going through.. So whoever or whatever reigns this universe... Thank u... I'm breathing again! Now.. I'm off to the Gym!

FU Ck you... unconditional love!

I'm angry, hurt and happyWhy?U said that was her.,.. beauty in the photothe object of your now "Unconditional" love,but what happened to that love when you raised your hand to my face or wrapped your fingers around my throat in a blind filled rage?does she know that u loosely use the words bitch or hoeoh my bad.. .according to you... that was something that you've never had to do before me.which brings me back to everything..... that's transpired.Did u mention to her that you're a habitual liar...or maybe she believes this is all my fault...crazy ass fat girl stalking prince charming...Chasing strippers, getting pregnant while proclaiming my love.stupid girl... once again that's me.. or cherise...reesephatty... whatever u choose to call me.. Now, I understand the reasons behind your so called indifferenceYou're a joke....!!! making a mockery of my life and calling itdeliverence.. FUck You... And fuck her too...ya'll deserve each other... a baby... maybe two.. a house in the hills... and once you finish school... you'll become that big time lawyerwe discussed on many of dates. I can't fucking believe u.I'm laughing. Wait... or am I crying...I'm cutting my.......self off from you... becoming filled with hate, which is something I didn't wanna do.I can't think straight. Shit I cannot even write.. I just ramble and scrambleto make myself better...Than her.but I already am or have taken that journey down the path to nowhere only to find myself at the crossroads leading somewhereother than here.it's over.I see it now.I seen it then.back to square one again.How can I ever have love in my heart for another.I want to smother all of my emotions.away from my heart. kill themtake them a part.out of my soulnever to hurt like this... or feel this pain.or stab them until they bleed away.I fucking HATE YOU!BUt I love you,i'm confused.... i wanna kill her and them .. all of them.because they shouldn't have you... or your love.or your childrenor your time.im suppressed and confined in this dungeonof persecution.Living life in my dreams....reality a nightmare ...and it seems you don't comprehendwhat it does to me or you just don't care...to watchme suffer.over. and over.drowning in this sea of rejection.what happened to your protection.FUck you.. do u hear me?FUck you and me too!it's over for us ...it over for you.We're through.Are we?

Weekend blues....

I haven't done one productive activity today, well, I take that back, I did wash some clothes. Other than that, I sat on my ass all day.... watched some movies, cartoons, played around on myspace. As I write this, I have color sitting in my hair that definitely needs to come out... and I guess my point is.... IT FELT REAL GOOD TO DO NOTHING AT ALL!

Friday night was super crazy for me. I started out drinking with a bunch of friends from work. Now, for anyone that DOESN'T know me, I'm no drinker, so two drinks and I'm done. I happened to have oh about 4 ....which made me extremely DRUNK as hell. Then I ended up at some club shaking my ass. I needed that. It's been a long time since I just danced. I feel so clean after a good sweat, LMAO!

Saturday I hung out with my son all day. I swear he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I tell him everytime we go out to the store I am NOT buying him shit... well, he walked out of Albertson's with a brand new basketball hoop for his bedroom door... courtesy of me... yea I know... he's spoiled, but he's my ONLY SON!! That boy keeps me laughing. The older he gets the more he becomes my protector. How funny is that! Pretty soon he will be screening my calls... Oops! Yea he ALREADY does that... I get so sad when I drop him off with his dad because I miss him the second I drive away. He's so grown-up now.

Being single still sucks ass! I still have my down time... had some today. Boy, he is sticking to his guns. I know there is someone else. And I honestly didn't believe he would wait long... I'm soo replaceable.. NOT! LOL In time, he will come full circle and realize what I realized not too long ago.. .He and I are one... always have been and always will be... no matter what has transpired.. he cannot DENY this fact. Sad thing is, by the time he figures this out, it will be too late.

Thank mother nature for sunshine... I LOVE IT! The weather has been absolutely gorgeous!! Well, I am off to Vegas once again this weekend for yet another party.. Life is good.. can't complain YET.. I can only change me and for everything else... I adapt.

Have a great week!
Peace!

I said I wouldn't, but what the hell?

I promised myself I wouldn't write one more word about HIM. I said I wouldn't call or text or think about him at all. I lied. I'm coming out and admitting it, so if anyone wants to slap me, please feel free. Lately, I've gone through a plethora of emotions. Like all break-ups, I have my good days and my bad days. I spend a lot of time keeping myself occupied, but there is always that down time that casts many of shadows on my heart. I've realized through my single escapades that I'm NOT cut out for this lifestyle.... which ALWAYS brings me back to him.

I know I know....!!! I have conversations with myself that go a little something like this:



Me: I need him. I just can't do this without him. I have to find a way to make it right or better.. somehow. He's the love of my life!

Me again in response to Me: What the fuck are you talking about? Do you remember all the days you spent crying and begging.. Look at you! Look what you've accomplished! You can't make it better, so just let him go. He doesn't love you anymore Cherise! Get over it! Move on..

Me: How do I let go? What will I do....? Who will I love? I'm angry! I'm hurt! I'm not over it!I need him, I really do. Who will ever GET ME like he did.. Who will EVER love me Like he did. You just don't understand.

Me again: You're acting like a real idiot! How can I NOT understand. I am you! I am the rational, more calm, collective, focused you. You're fine without him. You have Marquin. You have your writing. FOCUS, please don't let this conquer your spirit. If it's meant to be, then he'll be back. I promise. **shaking self** snap out of it!!

Me: **Sigh** and so I digress. I will be ok. One day.





Ok, I am NOT crazy... but I'm alone most of the time.. so talking to me.. works out ...well. I guess I don't want to see him with anyone else. You know, he's met someone.... he says it's getting serious. I don't get how he can be so broken up over us and so quickly replace me .. with HER. Who am I to judge, right? Who knows what I've been up to?? Well, there's been Chris ( the ex stripper, who I almost fell in love with, but made him a friend instead). We had an interesting episode. Case closed. Then there's Perry... an old friend from years back.... I don't see him or talk to him enough for there to be anything remotely serious. Next, we have Kevin... Mr. Kevin... 300 miles away.... and what can I say? Nothing. Because there is nothing 300 miles away. An occassional visit and text messages don't go far in my heart. I've also met several misc. clowns that have yet to spark any interest in anything more than saying hello. Yes, I am extremely lonely. And maybe, just maybe I am using my loneliness as a crutch to hold onto a man that has made it clear he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME...



Yea, maybe that's it.