This is probably going to offend someone I'm sure. So, let me say this first, if the shoe fits, wear it! Today is Halloween. I celebrate it, shit, because I always have, but if I hear one more proposed Christian, Catholic, Jehovah Witness, Budhist ect., say, I DON'T CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN ... it's evil, I'm going to slap a mothafucca! And no I am NOT watching my language today. This needs to get out since I've been sitting on it for awhile. I pride myself on being an adaptable person. I can get along with any race, creed or color. But there is something about religious hypocrites that strikes an angry cord in my soul. Now, I have nothing against anyone who belongs to any of these religions. However, how can anyone have the audacity to fix their mouth to say I don't celebrate Halloween because it's evil, yet I have premarital sex or I get drunk.. or I curse... ect., ect,. I just don't get it. I mean, if I were god... who would I consider first? Some kids that dress up in masks and beg for candy OR a bunch of drunk, whore mongers who praise me on Sunday, but forget about me M-Sat? Hmmmm? I don't think the choice would be hard. I am not religious by any means. I believe in GOD. And I definitely believe in right and wrong. What bothers me is these same people talk about all the EXTRA FUN they have on a daily basis, but then come with the MR. or MRS. religious bullshit when the subject of Halloween comes up... You have to be fucking kidding me? Fuck that.. I'm dressing up today... Trick or treat bitches...
LMAO...
I'm out. Peace.
October 31, 2006
October 25, 2006
What's happening?
Well, I know I've been slacking or maybe not.. since I do most of my blogging on Myspace. Shamika suggested I copy and paste my blogs.. that's an idea.
So, here's the low down. I got the promotion and the raise ;)!!
I am functioning without HIM, although there are times I have minor set backs.
Still not too good on this dating thing. Finally solidified that KISS with the CRUSH.. Kiss was great! Let's just say everything else fell a lil short for me...
Was it the alcohol? NAW.. It was THAT SMALL! **bad reese!**
LMAO
Went to Vegas this past weekend. Got in LOTS of trouble. You know I have an affliction for sexy, strippers. I met this guy named Black and shit with a name like
Black what more needs to be said! I played with him until I got bored. Then there's Kevin... Man, Clean your bathroom Kev! And get some more blankets. Get this, Mr. Joseph Wiley has been in contact with me.. **blushing** wow! I am sooooo soooo surprised. We didn't get a chance to touch base while I was in Vegas, but we talked. Maybe next time! ;)
I've met a few other guys... nothing too special or should I say no one that has caught me in a way that would change my heart. I still love HIM very much. We haven't had any fights lately. Well, we don't even see each other. Maybe once or twice. We've shared some cold hugs and kisses on the cheek. It makes me sad, but then I have to remember that if it's meant to be, he will come back to me. Until then, I have the gym to occupy my self-esteem and bouts of depression.
My son is doing pretty good. He is a trip. He stayed with me last night. He told me,
"Mom, you're the prettiest Mom at my school because you ain't old"... LMAO..
I love that boy more than the word itself.
Peace out.
So, here's the low down. I got the promotion and the raise ;)!!
I am functioning without HIM, although there are times I have minor set backs.
Still not too good on this dating thing. Finally solidified that KISS with the CRUSH.. Kiss was great! Let's just say everything else fell a lil short for me...
Was it the alcohol? NAW.. It was THAT SMALL! **bad reese!**
LMAO
Went to Vegas this past weekend. Got in LOTS of trouble. You know I have an affliction for sexy, strippers. I met this guy named Black and shit with a name like
Black what more needs to be said! I played with him until I got bored. Then there's Kevin... Man, Clean your bathroom Kev! And get some more blankets. Get this, Mr. Joseph Wiley has been in contact with me.. **blushing** wow! I am sooooo soooo surprised. We didn't get a chance to touch base while I was in Vegas, but we talked. Maybe next time! ;)
I've met a few other guys... nothing too special or should I say no one that has caught me in a way that would change my heart. I still love HIM very much. We haven't had any fights lately. Well, we don't even see each other. Maybe once or twice. We've shared some cold hugs and kisses on the cheek. It makes me sad, but then I have to remember that if it's meant to be, he will come back to me. Until then, I have the gym to occupy my self-esteem and bouts of depression.
My son is doing pretty good. He is a trip. He stayed with me last night. He told me,
"Mom, you're the prettiest Mom at my school because you ain't old"... LMAO..
I love that boy more than the word itself.
Peace out.
October 15, 2006
Broken lines of communication
There is no tactful way to do this. In fact, Arlyn thinks it's pretty scandalous.. but at this point in my life.. I can ONLY BE HONEST. Since I've been without Aaron.... I've been searching for anything to fill a void, that obviously cannot be filled.
I've had this crush on this beautiful man for weeks. From head to toe, he is a living, breathing, work of art. Chocolate skin... body cut like someone sculpted him into perfect human anatomy. Him and I talk ALL the time.. at work... e-mail, text messages. We've hung out a few times before, but nothing really came out of it. I've been literally dying to kiss this man for weeks. Trust me when I say... I WORKED hard for last night. It was perfect too. I cooked dinner... candles... alcohol...music.
I've never had a problem holding a conversation with him because we have so much in common. A few drinks later and the red lights were on... Janet crooned softly in the background... "At home I'm so alone... I'm wishing you were here.... baby tonight, my bed is cold... .. .... ba ba take care of me ba ba fullfill my needs...." I'm a little drunk.. still sexy, but DRUNK... there I was, face to face with this work of art ... I could feel his breath on my lips...and in the middle of my sentence.... it happened! He kissed me. The kiss I've dreamed about... I lost a moment in time that I will never get back. It felt safe right there... his hands in my hair... up and down my back... damn.. I opened my eyes... and it wasn't Aaron... I told you I got lost for a minute.... More Alcohol. I hear Rkelly now.... " down low... down low..." it's the remix.. and so appropriate to our current circumstances. How I ended up on my knees, looking up at him, remains to be seen. And wow..how can I say this in a tactful way ...without sounding cruel... but the infatuation and momentum that I'd built up over the weeks had instantly dissipated. How can someone so beautiful be lacking in the most important department. Yea, I said it... he had the smallest penis. And even if I wanted to TRY to work with it... I wouldn't do that to myself.
Game over.
That's what I get for putting this man on a pedal stool in my mind. He wasn't able to live up to my expectations at all. He is still very beautiful, but not for me. It makes everything I went through totally worthless. I ended up laying on my couch half naked, unsatisfied, crying and begging Aaron to please come home. I can't do this. I can't spend another night in someone else's arms.
Today, I have the worst hang over. I don't think I will be able to face him again. For fear, that A. I may laugh and B. Yea, I will laugh and that is not very nice.... Fuck.
I'm done.
I've had this crush on this beautiful man for weeks. From head to toe, he is a living, breathing, work of art. Chocolate skin... body cut like someone sculpted him into perfect human anatomy. Him and I talk ALL the time.. at work... e-mail, text messages. We've hung out a few times before, but nothing really came out of it. I've been literally dying to kiss this man for weeks. Trust me when I say... I WORKED hard for last night. It was perfect too. I cooked dinner... candles... alcohol...music.
I've never had a problem holding a conversation with him because we have so much in common. A few drinks later and the red lights were on... Janet crooned softly in the background... "At home I'm so alone... I'm wishing you were here.... baby tonight, my bed is cold... .. .... ba ba take care of me ba ba fullfill my needs...." I'm a little drunk.. still sexy, but DRUNK... there I was, face to face with this work of art ... I could feel his breath on my lips...and in the middle of my sentence.... it happened! He kissed me. The kiss I've dreamed about... I lost a moment in time that I will never get back. It felt safe right there... his hands in my hair... up and down my back... damn.. I opened my eyes... and it wasn't Aaron... I told you I got lost for a minute.... More Alcohol. I hear Rkelly now.... " down low... down low..." it's the remix.. and so appropriate to our current circumstances. How I ended up on my knees, looking up at him, remains to be seen. And wow..how can I say this in a tactful way ...without sounding cruel... but the infatuation and momentum that I'd built up over the weeks had instantly dissipated. How can someone so beautiful be lacking in the most important department. Yea, I said it... he had the smallest penis. And even if I wanted to TRY to work with it... I wouldn't do that to myself.
Game over.
That's what I get for putting this man on a pedal stool in my mind. He wasn't able to live up to my expectations at all. He is still very beautiful, but not for me. It makes everything I went through totally worthless. I ended up laying on my couch half naked, unsatisfied, crying and begging Aaron to please come home. I can't do this. I can't spend another night in someone else's arms.
Today, I have the worst hang over. I don't think I will be able to face him again. For fear, that A. I may laugh and B. Yea, I will laugh and that is not very nice.... Fuck.
I'm done.
October 07, 2006
Skeletons in the closet
I learned a valuable lesson last night.... some mistakes, however old come back to haunt you. I had a child with a man who is NOT only irresponsible, but so completely oblivious to reality, it's almost scary. Yea, I was 17 at the time I met him and 19 when I had his baby, but that is still no excuse in my book. I never loved this man. In fact, he only filled the void of the man I whose child I should've had. I don't regret my son, but I surely regret the decision I made to even entertain thoughts of sleeping with the man.
Here's why:
Yesterday I leave work and head over to my son's Jr High to pick him up. We get to the house and my son is locked out. Now, I'm already concerned because I'm thinking, "Why doesn't he have a key to get in?". Anyhow, I sit there for about 20 minutes until MarQuin's cousin comes alone. We go to the back house and I'm waiting on his dad to get there. While I'm waiting, MarQuin's cousin tells me MarQuin feels like his is putting his girlfriend and his friend before him. He doesn't feel right. This makes me uneasy. I'm focused on trying to provide my son with the tools he needs to be successful. I never want him to feel like someone else comes before him. So, an hour later his dad pulls up. I walk to the front and knock on the door. No answer. I ring the door bell ... no answer...
WTF? First of all, it's dark, cold and my son is still outside.. No one has come out looking for him EXCEPT me AND the freaking door is locked, so how would he get back in? Then his ugly, no good girl friend comes to the door and says Len isn't in there. WTF? Bitch I just seen him in the kitchen window. So I'm pissed. I call MarQuin on his cell phone and tell him to come home. He gets there and finally his dad comes to the door. I tell him I need to talk to him. He automatically has an attitude with me. Now, everthing has been cool until the girlfriend came in the picture. I tell him what MarQuin said... now instead of addressing his son's feelings, he slams the door in my face and tells MarQuin to come in. I'm HOT! This is totally ridiculous!!! I tell my baby get some clothes and let's go! Do you know this fool packed up my baby's clothes and put them on the curb...????
OH HELL NO! That was the last straw. Every bit of emotion I've been holding for 11 years slowly dissipated from my soul. How dare he? And then he threatens me and tries to preempt a fight between his girlfriend and I. Now, 5 years ago, I would've have fought, but you know what? Fighting is NOT going to resolve the problem. It doesn't matter how many bitches I am or fat this like I told him... I'm GOOD> I work everyday and regardless of what you do or don't do I take care of my child. I've worked hard and been through a lot, but everything I have is paid for and I am not living off of someone else. This isn't about him... or me... it's about our child.. Who at this point was crying... feeling lost and left out while two GROWN adults rehash the past... which cannot be changed. So I made a decision... I walked away. There isn't a name he can call me that will hurt me or anything that he can do to make me hold my head down. I stand tall everyday because I know who I am... I was sad... I watched a 34 yr old man rant and rave while his girlfriend acted as the side kick clown.
WHY? I told him I don't live that life anymore. My son is my main concern. Look at him! Talk to him! Not me.. this isn't about what happened 10 yrs ago (which he kept making reference to a time I called the police on him) I don't care who you're dating.. and I'm not going to fight you ugly girl. Ugly in reference to the way you carry yourself. I know I'm a threat because I am confident and successful, but you can be too! You choose not to be. I can fight you.. I'm not scared. I've done it countless times in the past, but what example am I setting for my baby? And after it's over and the police come...who really loses.... MarQuin.
And so I walked away. I gathered my son's stuff and I sat in my car and I cried. I felt so stupid and dumb. I kept asking myself WHY did I do this to myself. Then I looked at my child.... how beautiful is he.... I am ALL HE HAS... Everything I put into him will come out later. What do I say to him? I can't tell him don't love your dad because my personal feelings have nothing to do with him. I hugged my baby and I told him no matter what happens... I will ALWAYS be here to take care of you... as long as I'm breathing.....
Now, my child sleeps soundly in my bed. He didn't have the desire to stay there. His father cried claiming once again I am taking his son away. No, that's not it at all. My door has always been open and his son has always been available... but you can't make a boy grown up and be a man and you can't turn a dead beat into a dad.
Peace
Here's why:
Yesterday I leave work and head over to my son's Jr High to pick him up. We get to the house and my son is locked out. Now, I'm already concerned because I'm thinking, "Why doesn't he have a key to get in?". Anyhow, I sit there for about 20 minutes until MarQuin's cousin comes alone. We go to the back house and I'm waiting on his dad to get there. While I'm waiting, MarQuin's cousin tells me MarQuin feels like his is putting his girlfriend and his friend before him. He doesn't feel right. This makes me uneasy. I'm focused on trying to provide my son with the tools he needs to be successful. I never want him to feel like someone else comes before him. So, an hour later his dad pulls up. I walk to the front and knock on the door. No answer. I ring the door bell ... no answer...
WTF? First of all, it's dark, cold and my son is still outside.. No one has come out looking for him EXCEPT me AND the freaking door is locked, so how would he get back in? Then his ugly, no good girl friend comes to the door and says Len isn't in there. WTF? Bitch I just seen him in the kitchen window. So I'm pissed. I call MarQuin on his cell phone and tell him to come home. He gets there and finally his dad comes to the door. I tell him I need to talk to him. He automatically has an attitude with me. Now, everthing has been cool until the girlfriend came in the picture. I tell him what MarQuin said... now instead of addressing his son's feelings, he slams the door in my face and tells MarQuin to come in. I'm HOT! This is totally ridiculous!!! I tell my baby get some clothes and let's go! Do you know this fool packed up my baby's clothes and put them on the curb...????
OH HELL NO! That was the last straw. Every bit of emotion I've been holding for 11 years slowly dissipated from my soul. How dare he? And then he threatens me and tries to preempt a fight between his girlfriend and I. Now, 5 years ago, I would've have fought, but you know what? Fighting is NOT going to resolve the problem. It doesn't matter how many bitches I am or fat this like I told him... I'm GOOD> I work everyday and regardless of what you do or don't do I take care of my child. I've worked hard and been through a lot, but everything I have is paid for and I am not living off of someone else. This isn't about him... or me... it's about our child.. Who at this point was crying... feeling lost and left out while two GROWN adults rehash the past... which cannot be changed. So I made a decision... I walked away. There isn't a name he can call me that will hurt me or anything that he can do to make me hold my head down. I stand tall everyday because I know who I am... I was sad... I watched a 34 yr old man rant and rave while his girlfriend acted as the side kick clown.
WHY? I told him I don't live that life anymore. My son is my main concern. Look at him! Talk to him! Not me.. this isn't about what happened 10 yrs ago (which he kept making reference to a time I called the police on him) I don't care who you're dating.. and I'm not going to fight you ugly girl. Ugly in reference to the way you carry yourself. I know I'm a threat because I am confident and successful, but you can be too! You choose not to be. I can fight you.. I'm not scared. I've done it countless times in the past, but what example am I setting for my baby? And after it's over and the police come...who really loses.... MarQuin.
And so I walked away. I gathered my son's stuff and I sat in my car and I cried. I felt so stupid and dumb. I kept asking myself WHY did I do this to myself. Then I looked at my child.... how beautiful is he.... I am ALL HE HAS... Everything I put into him will come out later. What do I say to him? I can't tell him don't love your dad because my personal feelings have nothing to do with him. I hugged my baby and I told him no matter what happens... I will ALWAYS be here to take care of you... as long as I'm breathing.....
Now, my child sleeps soundly in my bed. He didn't have the desire to stay there. His father cried claiming once again I am taking his son away. No, that's not it at all. My door has always been open and his son has always been available... but you can't make a boy grown up and be a man and you can't turn a dead beat into a dad.
Peace
October 05, 2006
Wine, Jazz and crying don't mix...
I made the mistake of having a discussion with Aaron about my crush. The entire
conversation came about because he'd read the poems I'd written about this man that
has totally captured my attention. He was acting really non-chalant about the whole thing. Even going as far as saying, "Well, you shouldn't let something pass you by
because of your feelings about me"... this set me up for complete and utter failure!
See, although I've managed to remain calm and strong through this break-up, make no qualms about it! I AM HURT... deeply hurt. Every morning when I wake up to an empty house I am hurt... everytime I get a phone call from yet another childhood friend proclaiming, "GUESS WHAT! I'M GETTING MARRIED!" or "I'M HAVING A BABY!" I cringe and seethe with pain. I LOVED THIS MAN. By no means have I ever claimed it was a perfect love..it was just love. And as I move forward with my life I'm learning how to let go little by little. For those of you who've experienced this type of love, I'm sure you can understand. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else.... and so I try NOT to think about it at all. Yesterday, after several e-mails later, I decided to go to his home after work. We talked briefly and he reiterated that he doesn't want this relationship. He had a long list of faults that I possess... and maybe they are ALL true, but in my heart.... I just don't think so. I've ALWAYS loved him and I thought I held him down. It's funny to me how I am supposed to hold him down no matter what he does wrong, but when the tables are turned..Well, you know the story. I'm sorry if I wasn't quick to help him when he blantantly lied and deceived me. I suppose I should have looked the other way when the texts messages came in at 2 a.m... or surely it's my fault that he cheated on me. *SIGH* There is no winning in this situation. It's over and I know it! I knew it BEFORE I moved down here to Cali. I was hoping I could save us... because when we're good, we're good! I miss cooking breakfast for him, taking walks, laughing and just listening to him talk. I miss when we were good and I know from my blogs it would be difficult to see when we were good, but we were.
I'm so empty right now... I almost feel invisible.
The good thing is my motivation has not wavered.. I'm still Reese... I still have my son... the gym and my strength.
conversation came about because he'd read the poems I'd written about this man that
has totally captured my attention. He was acting really non-chalant about the whole thing. Even going as far as saying, "Well, you shouldn't let something pass you by
because of your feelings about me"... this set me up for complete and utter failure!
See, although I've managed to remain calm and strong through this break-up, make no qualms about it! I AM HURT... deeply hurt. Every morning when I wake up to an empty house I am hurt... everytime I get a phone call from yet another childhood friend proclaiming, "GUESS WHAT! I'M GETTING MARRIED!" or "I'M HAVING A BABY!" I cringe and seethe with pain. I LOVED THIS MAN. By no means have I ever claimed it was a perfect love..it was just love. And as I move forward with my life I'm learning how to let go little by little. For those of you who've experienced this type of love, I'm sure you can understand. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else.... and so I try NOT to think about it at all. Yesterday, after several e-mails later, I decided to go to his home after work. We talked briefly and he reiterated that he doesn't want this relationship. He had a long list of faults that I possess... and maybe they are ALL true, but in my heart.... I just don't think so. I've ALWAYS loved him and I thought I held him down. It's funny to me how I am supposed to hold him down no matter what he does wrong, but when the tables are turned..Well, you know the story. I'm sorry if I wasn't quick to help him when he blantantly lied and deceived me. I suppose I should have looked the other way when the texts messages came in at 2 a.m... or surely it's my fault that he cheated on me. *SIGH* There is no winning in this situation. It's over and I know it! I knew it BEFORE I moved down here to Cali. I was hoping I could save us... because when we're good, we're good! I miss cooking breakfast for him, taking walks, laughing and just listening to him talk. I miss when we were good and I know from my blogs it would be difficult to see when we were good, but we were.
I'm so empty right now... I almost feel invisible.
The good thing is my motivation has not wavered.. I'm still Reese... I still have my son... the gym and my strength.
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