Consumed.

I believe he hates me.
Maybe I am too consumed with my own pain and
blame to understand why.
IT could be my doing because I know being me is hard
enough, I can't imaging being WITH ME.
Who am I fooling?
I purposely hurt him at times because I have been hurt too many times.
I have too many memories of pain. Resentment.
I haven't forgiven him nor myself.
Excuses!
His hands find his way around my neck all
too often, as do the sick obscenities that
escape his mouth.
It's my fault.
I'm still Trying to hold on.
Loving him.
Plotting.
The closer it gets to my departure I'm
less of a person; I feel...nothing
I'm numb actually.
I can't believe it's over.
For good this time.
that's what he SAYS anyway.
and why should I care if he's so bad anyway.
I will tell you why
Love is selfish, vindictive,vengeful
and pretends to give hope.
IT's all a lie.
Now i understand why...
He hates me.

Embarking on NEW adventures...

Well, I have an apartment.
And the feeling is definitely bittersweet.
I'm scrared to leave.
I'm angry at myself for continuing to love him;
for believing in him and hoping for him.
I realize,however, I need to do this, not only for myself, but for my child.
I have to say, I'm not a big fan of change. In fact, I loathe it.
But change is necessary for growth and
although my heart still has many strings attached,
my mind is in complete control.

I will be totally moved in by Sunday July 2nd. It's a quaint,interesting
little apartment. I believe I will enjoy living there.

My son the graduate... When did my baby grow up?

I remember the exact moment my son came into the world.
June 27,1995 at 1:31am... Long beach community Hospital...
I was 19. scared. ..cold.. and in a lot of pain. I was also
thristy as hell. (lol) After 23 hours in labor HE was finally here. My baby boy.
He was blue. I remember the doctors working on him... he wasn't breathing.
Then he took his first breath.. and I heard him cry.
They wrapped him up and brought him to me with the funniest looking
hat on... Even then he had his own personality..
He looked up at me with one eye open and smiled.
I knew this was MY child.

I remember looking him over... trying to find anything
thing I could that would tie him to me. So far, he had
a chubby,little face and his father's nose. He didn't have
much hair or any eye-brows. I looked him over several times and
then I noticed his hands. They were just like mine. The lines
ran along his tiny hand in an exact replica of my own.
I never loved anyone the way I loved this baby.

I took him home one week later and I held him all the time. I loved
this little person that was an extension of myself. My baby. My love.
I would tell him everyday, "I love you more than the whole wide world!"
He was amazed with me even when I was less than thrilled with myself.
I remember holding him in my arms and telling him, one day
you will be too big for me to hold.. one day you won't want
to be in my arms... one day you will go on your own..

(Today happened to be "One Day")





Soon after... time transformed my helpless little soul into a playful,
energetic child. He grew in leaps and bounds and now here I sit,
watching my baby make his transistion into adolesence. I want to
cry, but I'm so proud of him. He's come a long way through all of
our trials and tribulations growing up together. Essentially,
he's been my best friend. At the end of the day when I'm sad,
abused, mean, happy, or tired.. I'm still just mom and he loves
me no matter what. I haven't always been my best and I know this,
but I love that boy... More than he knows and more than I will
ever understand.

Something I wrote for Teej that I thought I would share...

Are we sharing the same soul Teej?
Seems like all too often we have the same feelings and thoughts.. at the same time.. I guess because we grind and mix with the same kind, but that could be just me... talking.. as usual.. as always,talking.. but today i'm listening to my friend, the charming, ever so silly and always SPREADING the L-O-V-E, friend. And you my dear, have a love too thick to be spread so thin.. LOL
I want to kiss you on the forehead and tell you it's ok, that I know in my heart.. it's going to get better ONE DAY.. and what the fuck does that mean anyway, because all i can see so far is how hard L-I-F-E has become... for me, you, our people and all the bullshit we see on T.V.... I fucking HATE BET! And the radio just isn't for Reese. One more thing before I go... although we are what, 2000 miles away.. i'm forever your friend, in every possible way.

Love, Reese

Thank you with no but's

From me to you.. All my thank you's without all the but's. I heard you.



Thank you for all the dinner's I never ate

Thanks for the bubble baths that were still hot after a long day at work

The long walks in the park

All the times you provided me with advice I was too stubborn
to take

Thanks for the nights you helped my son with his homework

Thanks for the time you let me throw a tatrum and gave me my way

Thanks for the love that I never had before

Thanks for listening to all of my stories 20xs over again

Thanks for wiping my tears when I cried

Thanks for moving my furniture whenever I decided I wanted to move

Thanks for not killing me when I bashed you in the head with the glass
candle

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to carry your children

Thanks for giving me a home

Thanks for staying by my side

Thanks for making me realize that I am more important
than any man....