Happy Thanksgiving?

I Want to rant and rave right now because what the fuck do I have to be thankful for? LOL I lost my babies, my job and my dignity in a matter of 3 weeks. Even so after all that was said and done I still hightailed to Thanksgiving dinner with Aaron. A week later I'm ever so bitter. Still asking questions I don't want the answer to and still finding more info that I really don't wanna know. I don't believe in love right now. Love is merely a word used in a well versed poem/story... Like Happily Ever After .... or waiting on Prince Charming to come and rescue you from some make believe tower. WEll, I've let my hair down one too many times... Pretty soon I'm going to be bald if these Ogars keep climbing up.. Love is just a fantasy far from my own reality....LOL Maybe the only reason WHY I'm even entertaining the idea of continuing this relationship is because I don't want to be alone. That's a horrible reason I know, but at least I'm honest. Also, I feel like I've been thru so much with this man why should anyone else reap what I sowed. Again a selfish endeavor. No, it's none of these. I love him. When I look at him I love him... when I hear him speaking I love him,.. when he is kissing away my doubt I love him. But I hate him. And I feel weak for continuing to love him. Am I the only person who is this dumb. I should walk away for good. Leave him! Make him know how bad he's hurt me. This seems like a never-ending saga.. like a never-ending story.. Kinda like Lauryn Hill's Ex- Factor, " You let go and I'll let go too" He KNOWS he's hurt me, but am I being childish for making him suffer.. Yes I am. I'm really confused right now. I've been taking a lot of time with myself for the past few days. Just reflecting on where I want to be. How I want to live. My job search is going pretty well... I have a few offers, but before I commit I want to make sure I'm happy whereever I go. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Going thru all that I've been thru in the last 6 weeks has made me realize just how tough I am. I know how important it is to LOVE ME. I'm doing that.

The Day After. . .

Well, after the yelling came the crying.. Him and I.. Me asking Why and Him trying to explain what the hell was going on. I listened intently as he exposed his inner most pain... right there in the middle of the street. This man cried. He spoke of being angry for no apparent reason... how he didn't feel good about what he did. He thought that when he came back here we were over.. he never anticipated having anything with me... or missing me or needing me. I didn't know whether to believe him or blow it off as a bunch of bullshit. Why should I believe him? He's lied & cheated. Then I looked in the mirror. I've lied. I've had my own version of indescretions... is it in any way different? No. That doesn't EXCUSE him. I don't trust him. I love him. But there is no trust here. I laid awake most of the nite next to him and I just watched. I thought of all the horrible things I could do to HURT him. Then I cried again.. quietly to myself. He tried everything to make me feel better. I still felt numb... distant and BETRAYED. I kept imagining him with these women.. touching them and kissing them.. saying the sweet things he says to me or promising things he can never do. Then here comes my conscience kicking me in the ass. One year ago this month I was seeing Monte..the stripper I'd met. I'd no regard to Aaron's feelings and dismissed him as a loser... he'd hurt me so much that I was oblivious to his very existence. I treated him like shit. So maybe this was my karma. Then my heart speaks loudly above my conscience Cherise, you guys left all that behind, remember? You'd made a pact to start a new begining... there is NOT an excuse for this at all... walk away. My anger screams even louder.... HURT HIM.. POISON HIM... FUCK SOMEONE TOO! I decided to listen to my heart for now. I can't allow him close to my heart. I came home because of him. Now I must complete what I started. Find my soul here. Get my life on track to a happier existence. Take care of Cherise for a change. Love Cherise for a change. If I don't, I'm destined for doom. So, today.. the day after yesterday.. I'm hurt, but not angry... shocked, but not vengeful... Truth is this has again taught me a valuable lesson... it's made me become a better person. I'm trying this positive outlook...
Peace.


It hurts to be cheated on and lied to. It hurts to know that your man has laid down with someone other than you... worse it tears me up when I find out he is still contacting these women ... begging and pleading for their apology. I want to scream, but no one is here to listen. I will NEVER do these things to another human being. That is my word. This is my only outlet for my pain. I have nothing. cjt.

Stabbed in the back... Twice...

Does anyone know how truly horrible it feels to have your "world" come crashing down as we know it? How about when we KNOW something is NOT right but we continue to hope that it will get better.. we hold on ... refusing to let go THINKING we can somehow change the outcome. My entire life has been one big refusal after another. I'd thought I'd met a man who'd changed my life. I'd rode the rollercoaster with him and traveled down all the loops and obstacles and here we were..TOGETHER. Truth is trust was never a part of this equation. Now imma keep this real for all my peeps out there that read my blogs. No sense in lying to myself anymore. I'm no angel. I've lied and cheated and done my share of deceiving. There are still things to this day that I refuse to admit (there's that word again) When Aaron left in May I was content with being without him. I'd already begun the dating process. A few weeks passed and I began to miss him. He'd called me and I was still being a bitch to him. AS time moved on I began to really examine my feelings for him. I took apart all of the hate and lies.. stripped away the guilt and confusion.. all that was left was LOVE. I loved him. So, with that being said I began my quest to have him again. When we started this relationship AGAIN I left the lies and the mistrust behind. I wanted to start fresh and it hasn't been easy. Lately, my intuition has been in overdrive. I'm a pretty detective, so last nite I started my investigation. Sometimes when we search for truth we don't really wanna find the truth. Well, not only has he been sleeping with a numerous amount of women..UNPROTECTED..BUT he's been pursuing the EX again. It's safe to say that I'm not OK. I'm not even mentally stable enough to get my thoughts across. It's been 3 weeks since I lost the babies... 2 weeks since I lost my job and 1 week since I packed up my life and moved back to CAli.. Yea he didn't ask me to... Yes I wanted to be closer to him... Maybe I deserve all of this. He did tell me in SEVERAL fits of rage he didn't want to be with me... but his actions always indicated otherwise. Maybe I should've let it go. When confronted about al lof this I was told this is my fault since he told me he never wanted to be with me. I forced all of this. I manipulated the situation with attempting suicide and getting pregnant. BUT he's been with me... he's looked me in the eyes and proclaimed his love for me. I don't get it. I'm here. I've cried. I can't change anything that has happened. I can't even tell u my next move. I want to be angry, but it's not there. I'm just devoid of any feeling. I haven't eaten. I can barely talk. I will never trust another man as long as I live.. he's changed my life forever. Why are we here on earth? I don't understand why there is so much pain and why I can't ever have a man that truly loves me.
Peace

Just Checking in...

Well, I made it to Cali.. safe & sound... Now, comes the time to go on the JOB SEARCH. Luckily, there are lots of prospects here... Wish me luck! I'm sooo NOT missing that job or anyone there! Fake ass bastards! lol I luv ya'll!
Peace.
Teej, where the hell are u?

48 Questions.. Please follow suit people!

I may not be around for a minute... Sooooo I found this.. Try it and post the answers in my blog.. HAve a Great Weekend Everyone!


1} Last thing you burned while attempting to cook?
CHicken.. it was frozen & Willie was rushing me

2} Describe yourself in three "s" words:
Seductive, Sensual, Smart


3} How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
top long according to Aaron

4} Favorite place to blow $50?
Burlington

5} How many people have you thought were "the one"?
4

6} What is something that turns you off about your crush?
I have a man not a crush

7} What kind of car do you drive?
Ford Taurus

8} What's in your CD player/ipod right now?
Toni B.. Libra

9} What celebrity would you have coffee with
Tupac

10} What celebrity would you NOT have coffee with?
Elvis

11} What kind of toothpaste do you use?
Colgate whitening

12} What time do you go to bed?
When I fall asleep

13} Last movie you saw?
Saw ll

14} Last TV show you watched?
Eve

15} Who is your best friend?
Trechelle

16} Who in your family do you best get along with?
My cousin Rob

17} Who do you have a crush on?
Myself

18} What time is it right now?
12:20pm

19} Are you planning a vacation/travel?
I'm Going Going, Back Back to CAli Cali

20} When/Where was the last time you traveled?
LAst weekend. CAli

21} How many times have you been in love?
Ummm Don't know

22} How old will you be in 10 years?
39 still young and full of life

23} Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Who Knows. Writing books somewhere.. living on a lake

24} Sinful snacking weakness?
ice cream sundies with all the toppings

25} Rollercoasters?
Maybe 10 yrs ago.. I've developed FEAR since then

26} Ever run out of gas?
Once I think

27} Ever been on a train?
Yea

28} Ever been on a blind date?
Yes.Sigh.. it sucked

29} Ever been to Europe?
no

30} What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day?
See how many women I could poke with my pecker./ LOL

31} Would you tell anyone it was really you?
Nope

32} Ever been arrested?
Too many times. LOL

33} Have a crush on anyone you work with?
HAve u seen the people I worked with

34} What is something you believe in?
Ghosts

35} What is something you fear?
death

36} Big or smaller?
Bigger .. lol

37} What is the worst physical or emotional pain you have ever experienced?
Physical - When i had to get a blood transfusion... OMG all my veins were collasped and theu had to go in my wrist.. it hurt like hell
Emotionally- I'm still in my worst emotional pain. I lost my babies 13 days ago

38} What is your favorite television show?
America's next top model!

39} Ever photoshopped yourself to look better in a picture?
No. i'm already fine. LOL

40} Tell us something about your childhood.
I was a very lonely child always dreaming of stardom

41} What would it cost for you to flash the person next to you?
Not much. there is no one here

42} Best time to catch you in a good mood?
After a good nites rest

43} If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
Paris/Canada

44} Most prized possesion?
My son

45} Would you ever sell it/how much?
Depends.. Pretty woman? lol

46} What is one of your pet peeves?
Stupid people

47} Favorite kind of ice cream?
Anything with nuts

48} Coolest thing that happened today?
Joe called me and actually talked to me. He said he wasn't mad at me and wished me the best. I needed that.

Good-Bye Las Vegas!

I came here running in 2001 and I'm leaving here running. I can't say that my experience here has been all unpleasant. I had some good times and met some great people. But, My time has run it's course. THey say everything in life comes full circle. Well, I think my circle has just closed. I'm going HOME. To start over..face demons...mend fences... and get my life back! I will Never forget my 4 yrs here in Vegas... and I will never forget the people whom have crossed my life good and bad. SO Good-bye Viva Las Vegas and Hello Killa Cali...

Fired. Damn. WHo knew? Who cares?

Well, ya heard it first, right here folks fired! The funny thing is I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So here's how the story goes... honest and true! LOL LAst week ya'll know I had a miscarriage. Well, I had to get a D&C to remove everything out of my uterus. That is similar to an abortion. They gave me a note for Tuesday & Wednesday. Due to the overwhemling emotional stress I was under I took off Thurday & Friday... not to mention I was bleeding like crazy ( sorry for the graphic details) I just felt I needed sometime to HEAL. Well, I needed a Dr's note for Thurs/Fri. So I hightailed it to the Dr on Friday. Now, this was just my PCP (primary care physician) NOT my OB. You have to get a referral to see the OB. So I explained to the DR that I was bleeding heavily and I needed to get something to slow it down and something stronger for the pain I was having. SO he gives me the run around saying he has to refer me. I explained I'd had a D&C earlier that week. SO he says I will see you after 2pm. It was 1pm people! I'd been there since noon. I was pissed. What was the point in him seeing me if he couldn't ACTUALLY HELP ME? I told him look I just need a note for work. I will wait until I get back to Vegas and see my OB. Then the DR writes this bogus ass letter talking about how I was there, but didn't wanna wait. I surely couldn't turn that in. So ya'll know I had to obtain another letter... LMAO And I did! Went back to work Monday and turned it in. No problem, right? Wrong! See I have no more vacation or sick time due to the fact they changed our policy in sept and took away our PTO ( paid time off) which we accrued every check ... about 6hrs. I would have had plenty of time. I needed next Monday off because I do have a check up that is mandatory... then I got a call Tuesday,for a job in Cali... Making a lot more money than I make now. I get into work yesterday and called the recruiter back. We chatted for about 30 minutes and I emailed her a fresh copy of my updated Resume. All this was done on my company phone. I should've figured something fishy was going on b/c one of the sups was actin funny. They were listening in on my call. Ain't that a bitch! LOL (still laughin @ Teej, "Who does that at work") The day continues on and then my manager comes over and says the site director would like to see me..I asked should I take my purse b/c if I'm fired I need my purse( no one ever goes to the Site director unless their FIRED)... LMAO LMAO ... I get up and walk down to the white bastards office. Now, before I get into the real funny ish.. let me remind everyone that I have been harrassed/sexually... mentally... While I have worked my ass off for this company and never called in once until last month. I have reported such incidents to no avail and NOTHING has been done.. EVER! So, I'm not walking in with the greatest attitude. I get in there. Right before I could sit down the director starts talking crazy to me... I see the note on his desk.. and I'm laughing in my head. HE says, 'DO u want to explain this note?'.... I look at it and say NO.. it's a Dr's note. He says, ' I know different'.. I say Ok... (still laughing in my head) .. Then he accuses me of writing it.. Come on!! I used to be a full time criminal.. I would NEVER write my own Dr's Note.. they have my handwriting all over the place in the office. I tell him I did not write it. Then he goes into the we have to let u goSPEECH.. "This is a terminating offense, he begins'... I interupt & say I will do u one better, I quit!!...I got up and slammed the door open.. I proceeded to walk to my desk BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT PACKING UP MY SHIT! He's chasing me down the walkway. I'm going off.. cussing.. yelling and I tell him if you touch me I will F*ck you up and then SUE YOU! He was scared. His Face beet red! So he did what ALL WHITE PEOPLE DO IN THE MIDST OF A CRISIS.. He called the police... HA HA HA! Like I'm scared. I'm still cussing. I'm saying very loudly "YOU need to investigate all these sexual harrassers in here!" I called him , the manager and anyone else over there by my desk all kinds of bitches! IT was pure comedy. I was pretty upset. You know it would have been ok if they had written me up for doing the phone interview on company time... it was even ok that they called the Dr's office and got the REAL NOTE...I take full responsibility for what I did. But when they have had other's on my team clearly bringing in false documents ... stealing & harrassing employees and they just LOOK AWAY .. Yea Right! I wasn't going out like that... Especially since the first time I do anything remotely wrong, I'm fired!?They knew I was leaving next month. And then they tried to be shady with my vacation time. I challenged it a day earlier... I made it known that I didn't care for the place. That is why I was so pissed!! I couldn't believe it! Then he was talking to me like a slave... F*ck that! I made a point and I hope they took notes on how NOT to fire a Black Woman!! :P
BTW I have 2 job interviews next week in Cali... both MAKE a lot more money than I do now and they look promising...so I'm ok people .. Really I am. I feel much better. That place had a level of unprofessionalism that I'd NEVER experienced before and I'm glad to be done with it!!

Some ish I stole from Dee-Dee

This was just too too cute and it made me think, which is ALWAYS good.


10 Favorites:



Favorite Season: Winter
Favorite Sport: Basketball!
Favorite Thing to do: Go to the beach
Favorite Month: December it's the the begining to the end.
Favorite Actor : Chris Tucker
Favorite Actress: Gabrielle Union
Favorite Ice Cream: Ohh Anything chocolate w/nuts (hehe)
Favorite Drink: Cold Water
Favorite Place: My Bed.
Favorite Song: "Why Have I lost You" By Cameo ( ole Skool )

9 Currents:
Current Feelings: Anxious/Lonely
Current hairstyle: Tight ass scalp braids
Current Windows Open: Closed
Current Drink: Water
CoffeeCurrent Time: 7:45 pm (pst)
Current Mobile(s) Used : Sprint PCS
Current Show on TV: The Simpsons
Current Thought: I wish I would've just stayed in Cali
Current Clothes: Blue Nightgown w/eyore.. purple pajama pantsw stars.. pink slippers

8 Firsts:
First Nickname: Reese's Pieces
First Kiss: Damn I think Terrell Oliver, but I can't remember that far
First Crush: Ernest Holly (2nd grade)
First Computer: Atari (does that count) or maybe it was something else
First Job: Front desk clerk at the YMCA
First Movie I watched: Now that could be anything, but ET stands out. I was 6.
First Pet: A Dog named Keylo
First Shave: Had to be 12... my legs ( i was so grown)

7 Lasts:
Last Chai: WTF is that?
Last Movie: Saw ll (it sucked)
Last Time I Drove: Today from work
Last Time Shaved: I have a good excuse.. It's cold.. So that means like 2 wks
Last Web Site Visited: Blackplanet.com
Last Software Installed: none lately
Last Pill I Had: vitamin/magnesium this morning


6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Ummm I used to be a career criminal
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Yes
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: Lots of 'em!!
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yea
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast?: DUH!I'm from Compton.. HELLO!
Have You Ever Broken Anyones Heart: I'm sure I have,but not intentionally.


5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: the TV, the clock ticking, cars driving down the street,my heavy ass breathing, my thoughts

Things on Your Computer Table: printer, paper, cell phone,speakers,cds & pencil holder

Things You Ate Today: yogurt,2 low fat granola bars, a cup of noodles and spagetti/cornbread/ (this was the entire day its bed time)

Things in Mind: death, aaron, having babies, seeing Teej; Should I just quit this job?

Things you want to say to him/her: I love you.... Could we have done things different?... Why are you always on my mind?
Do u miss me too sometimes/ HAve you thought of me at all during the last 12 yrs

Places You Have Been Today:
* My son's school
* Work
* home
* the bathroom
* my managers office



3 People You Can Tell Anything To:
Trechelle, My Grandma, God & Myself(sorry do I count as 4)


2 Choices: *Black or White: Black * Hot or Cold: Cold


1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die: LIVE.

Misery Loves Company.

I have been thinking about this particular blog for quite sometime.. a few days actually. It's really easy to be negative. When I look at my own life I realize how selfish I am. There are so many people that worse off than myself. I know I've been thru some horrific situations as of late, but I'm choosing to go a different route this time around. Yes, I am sad ...Deeply. Yes, I am hurt and even a little depressed, but I've decided that those feelings cannot dominate my life nor who I am.
I'm thankful that I am alive today. I have a son. Maybe I will never have anymore children. I have Aaron, whom is wonderful. I have a special talent with words. I plan to pursue this. I have some wonderful friends across this country.... That is a lot more important than the negativity reflected at this job and the gossip mongers who have nothing more to do...So today, I am taking time to thank those who love me... Just for me.

Aaron... What can I say that really describes all I feel for you. We've been thru so much together and here we are. I truly believe u are IT for me. You're My umbrella in the rain... my shade in sun. I love loving you... and I appreciate all you do! You're my best friend in every shape of the words... thru all of our tears.. laughter... pain and triumph it's always just me and you. Forever.


MarQuin... My Son.. Whom I love more than words can express. Sometimes I'm mean to you or hard on you. It's only because I'm scared for you. I know what's out there and I want to protect you, but I also know that you are MY CHILD... with that comes a deep knowledge of COMMON SENSE. All I can do is love you and guide you.



Nakia... You're such a good person. You always help me see the REAL PICTURE. I love you. And I'm glad that you're my friend.


Dee- Dee .... Girl, You're a blessing in disguise. Full of knowledge and compassion. When I think of you... I think of an Intelligent, Stylish... Sophistacated Black Carrie Bradshaw.. LOL J/K. You're the whole package!! You're knight and shining armor is out there... he's just lost... it's a big world! I love you girl. Thanks for the great advice and just being you....



Mr Teej... My sweet baby boy.... What can I say? It's because of you that I even have this blog. You introduced me to this therapeutic paradise. You're one of the most honest, caring men I've ever met!! Thank you for the late nite talks ((smile)) and the constant laughter that you provide in my life. You're such a special friend!!!



Willie... You are very special to me because we are so much alike in so many ways. I want u to know even though we have our moments... I still love you like a lil brother and I WILL always be here if you need me.



Trechelle... For a long time it was you and I against the world. We've been there thru each other's worst tragedies. I love u like a sister and to me you are MY SISTER. I wish you the best in life and although I don't always agree with your life choices I have your back.. No Matter what!





Saraan.. You've been with me since the begining and you're still here. You've watched me grow from a little girl into a grown woman holding down my own. I thank you for remaining one of my oldest, truest friends. We're family for life!


I had to come back and add someone... Last BUT not least....


Jo-Joe... Wow. So much to summarize in 4 yrs of knowing you. I love you like noother. We will forever be joined b/c we are one in the same, we understand each other. You know secrets that no one else knows. Although our friendship has gone thru loops of fire.. we're still here. I understand NOW why u had to walk away. It was your only option. I appreciate you for that. It allowed me to evaluate myself and learn to love me. I'm grateful for all the memories we've made and hopefully... somewhere down the road... You and I will be Reese & Joe again. Good-bye.. I will miss you when I leave, but I'm not worried.. You know how to find me.



And to all my blog buddies... Brea, Princess.. Anonymous.. Stac & Everyone else... I love ya'll too. Your prayers... words.. advice and presence in my life has enriched my soul. Thank you.



Reese