Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
Happy Birthday to me.. wheeww hoooo!
I could be sitting here sulking.. simply because I lost a great job last week.. and I desperately want and need Aaron in my life, but I've decided to try a different angle this year. Ok, so I am 31... feels the same as 30, 29, 28 ect., ect. The one difference that I notice right off is my mental state of mind. I'm very aware of what's going on inside of me and around me. Lately, my life has been wickedly out of control.. the men, my job, the stress.... today I plan to take it slow and relax. I am thankful I have a beautiful son that loves me.. I am glad I have my health and my intelligence.. I am also thankful I have so many wonderful family members and friends that love and care about me. I am thankful I met DeRaymion.. he is the best friend a girl could have... so with all the negative connotations my life has experienced... there is a lot more positive notes to reflect upon. This blog isn't as eloquent as I'd have liked it to be, but shit it's 1:15 in the morning.. and sleep hasn't been something I've been getting lately..... Happy Birthday to me... thanks Mom and Dad for bringing my emotional, complicated, artistic ass into the world.. I know I am such a pain.
May 16, 2007
It's that time of year again? AGAIN? yes, again!
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life
How the hell did I?
I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...
Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!
Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?
Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?
1. Respect
2.Romance
3.Honesty
4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own
5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.
6. A strong and sensitive man
Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.
I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!
I don't owe u anything.....
I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?
Category: Life
How the hell did I?
I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...
Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!
Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?
Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?
1. Respect
2.Romance
3.Honesty
4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own
5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.
6. A strong and sensitive man
Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.
I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!
I don't owe u anything.....
I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?
Does it EVER end?
Current mood: distressed
I think I set myself up for bad karma. Or maybe it's the negative energy that I sometimes feed into. Who knows. But all of my attempts to live a normal, productive life always seem halted! I have been at my job for about 16 months. Never had an issue, never been in any trouble or drama. Well, that all changed on Friday. Understand, that I have been trying to apply for a permanent position with the company since February. The first app. I put in was "lost" and I was told I needed to work in my position a bit longer ( while other's were told NOT to apply, all of us being black). This round I was advised I needed to stabilize my work history. WTF? I am confused here. There was no mistake that I was upset by what was going on. Honda is a fickle company. A company which only 5% of it's employees are black. I work in a department that is run strictly by who u know and who like you... definitely NOT by skill or qualifications. There are people there who've been there 3 or 4 years and STILL have not been made associate because the don't fit the "profile". I have brought these issues up with management SEVERAL times and I have been very vocal in my disgust for their bias hiring process. Then I was sabatoged.
After returning from lunch on Friday, I was called into the conference room with one of the contract coordinators. She proceeds to show me an open case of mine, which I haven't worked. I look over the case and see that there has been some type of myspace bulletin pasted in the note section. Ok. So, I keep looking at her and she asked how did they get there? Shit if I know! I don't copy and paste myspace notes into my cases, not on accident or on purpose. I am then told this is a terminating offense, HOWEVER it is being investigated. I am given two different stories as to how this case was pulled. I start asking several questions because this is MY JOB they are talking about. I went over every scenario in my mind and there is NO WAY I did this... not even on accident! Someone set me up... but it's under my username.. well, guess what.. my user name is accessible by EVERYONE in the department and the password is universal. I have worked here for over a year and I've never been so much as warned for attendance.. .this is uncharacteristic of my work ethic and a bunch of bullshit! Needless to say, I was suspended with pay.... but wait.. How am I suspended if they have no proof? Well, it's their mistake. I will not go quietly and for whomever tried to set me up.. what goes around comes around! In my mind, realistically speaking, if they had REAL evidence I would have been fired on Friday.... either way it goes.. I am fighting this to the very end! I did not work my ass for over a year to be terminated for some straight up bullshit!!
*sigh*
I think I set myself up for bad karma. Or maybe it's the negative energy that I sometimes feed into. Who knows. But all of my attempts to live a normal, productive life always seem halted! I have been at my job for about 16 months. Never had an issue, never been in any trouble or drama. Well, that all changed on Friday. Understand, that I have been trying to apply for a permanent position with the company since February. The first app. I put in was "lost" and I was told I needed to work in my position a bit longer ( while other's were told NOT to apply, all of us being black). This round I was advised I needed to stabilize my work history. WTF? I am confused here. There was no mistake that I was upset by what was going on. Honda is a fickle company. A company which only 5% of it's employees are black. I work in a department that is run strictly by who u know and who like you... definitely NOT by skill or qualifications. There are people there who've been there 3 or 4 years and STILL have not been made associate because the don't fit the "profile". I have brought these issues up with management SEVERAL times and I have been very vocal in my disgust for their bias hiring process. Then I was sabatoged.
After returning from lunch on Friday, I was called into the conference room with one of the contract coordinators. She proceeds to show me an open case of mine, which I haven't worked. I look over the case and see that there has been some type of myspace bulletin pasted in the note section. Ok. So, I keep looking at her and she asked how did they get there? Shit if I know! I don't copy and paste myspace notes into my cases, not on accident or on purpose. I am then told this is a terminating offense, HOWEVER it is being investigated. I am given two different stories as to how this case was pulled. I start asking several questions because this is MY JOB they are talking about. I went over every scenario in my mind and there is NO WAY I did this... not even on accident! Someone set me up... but it's under my username.. well, guess what.. my user name is accessible by EVERYONE in the department and the password is universal. I have worked here for over a year and I've never been so much as warned for attendance.. .this is uncharacteristic of my work ethic and a bunch of bullshit! Needless to say, I was suspended with pay.... but wait.. How am I suspended if they have no proof? Well, it's their mistake. I will not go quietly and for whomever tried to set me up.. what goes around comes around! In my mind, realistically speaking, if they had REAL evidence I would have been fired on Friday.... either way it goes.. I am fighting this to the very end! I did not work my ass for over a year to be terminated for some straight up bullshit!!
*sigh*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)