"I get so Lonely".... and more importantly!

"Everytime I hear that song, it reminds me of the first
girl who ever loved me. Her name was Denise. She was
from Belize and astonoshingly beautiful.I remember watching
her in my car,wind blowing in her hair...while the sun beamed down
on her dark-chocolate skin creating a glow around her.. as if
she were an angel. Me,with all my self conscious insecurities,
held back my true feelings. She never knew I loved her.
She never knew I admired her. I wish I could tell her today.
Maybe I wouldn't have let her get away. We shared such a deep
connection. It was as if she could read my thoughts.
When she gazed into my eyes I could see her sadness...
Her pain from her past sat there in her eyes.

Denise loved that song "I get so Lonely",by Janet. It was her
SONG! LOL She would jump in my then, 87 Maxima and turn
it up so loud... she would play it over and over again.
I enjoyed watching her sing.. she would lean over
and touch my thigh and say,"You're so beautiful, Cherise
Why can't you see that?". I never had an answer and 9 years
later... I still don't. But I still ...Get so lonely."

(an excerpt from my Heart)




More importantly.....

AS openly as I've expressed myself here on my blog,
I feel I haven't been as honest as I could be.
I need a moment...


I've listened to your concerns and advice...
even if I may have not applied them to my life.
I 've searched,plotted, planned and schemed for a way
into true loves soul.

I've lost.
Everything that I'd hoped to find or gain has
all been deemed a big mistake.
One that I take full responsibility for.

I've often wondered when the end is really the end.
Well, I think I know... now.
I could chaulk this up to simply being a life lesson...
something to learn and grow from.

Unfortunately, my heart doesn't agree. It still loves
although it's broken. It still beats in seperate pieces
longing for someone to put it back together.

Maybe, I'm a hopeless romantic who is truly HOPELESS.
I'm not strong enough to walk away and I'm not strong
enough to say I've had enough.

Instead I subject myself to horrific ridicule and
disespect all in the name of love.

I know this is NOT love.
I'm not sure If I ever will KNOW love... again or
if I have.

Maybe love has simply been an actor in my drama called
life. *Sigh*

I know I've said it before.. but I will reinterate once
more.. You can't force love!

I feel as if I've wasted 4 1/2 years of my life.
I'm drained.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm still in love.
Empty...
I'm alone inside. What a beautiful facade on the outside.

When I look in the mirror. I never Look back.