Fuck Valentine's Day.

I wrote all of this yesterday; One of my lowest and darkest days as of late.




It's 1ish.. I left the new job I started. Why? Well, when I came this morning no one even knew I Was hired. They just looked at me. Told me to answer the phone with no instruction. Talked as if I wasn't in the room. So, I called my agent and let her in on what was going on.. 4 hrs later she asked me to go home. She said she was sorry and would find something else for me. What's new?

I went to the Beach. My sanctuary in my times of need. I'm so hungry right now. I'm sitting here in Long Beach... ALONE. It's Valentine's Day, 2006.Like I said, I'm alone. Shit this year hasn't been so great thus far. I make promises to myself that I never keep, so what's the point! I don't know why. I make irrational decisions based on my current emotional status. Can anyone relate? Why can't I leave him? Why can't I have enough courage to say enough is enough? It's obvious he doesn't want me. I came here on a premise that I could make everything wrong right. He used to protect me now he just loathes my very presence with his cold stares. Do I possess any self respect? I always think back to when I was smaller... were my options any different? No they weren't. I was still treated like shit.


I got out of my car. It's chilly... windy. I wish I would've come a few days ago when it was 80 degrees. I'm sitting on this lifeguard tower trying to fight the lashes of cold wind slapping my face.The water is so soothing.. I love it! It's nice. It's a refreshing sound... today has been such a bad day. It actually started yesterday. When I was asked to take this job. I was excited. The pay was great. I even managed to get more money than they originally offered. I called Aaron. He wasn't so excited. Why is he so mean to me? It upset me that he would ruin my moment. I had an attitude all night... Even taking it out on my son. I'm not happy.
Why am I so sad? Maybe because so many good things have gone bad in my life. Life has changed so dramatically. Funny, 10 yrs ago I had no car... a 1 bed room apt in Long Beach.. not much money. I was going to school, but I used to have so much fun. Somehow, I lost touch with the person I used to be. I was in love with adventure and thrived on new experiences. Now, I'm quiet and withdrawn and just plain scared of life. It's really cold out here. I wish I had my jacket. I think I will have to make my way inland........................................................


While I was walking back inland away from the chill I couldn't help but notice all the people that were out with their sweeties... lol Many people just walked passed me like I was invisible... One man finally spoke to me. He was an older black man, about 60 I would say. He looked me over and said, "I feel ya... I'm going to clear my head too.." Then he walked awayt. Why are human beings so indifferent to one another? We don't say hello anymore.. if someone is in trouble we don't offer help, but we are quick to offer judgement. With technology has come a great indifference for humanity. I'm sure I'm just as guilty. The ocean however is quite the opposite. It's amazing actually... no matter what MAN does to contaminate or change it's infrastructure it never forgets it's purpose. Well, I'm heading back to my car because some strange guy with a camera phone is everywhere I've been.... now I could be paranoid, but I'm always better safe than sorry.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later on that Day~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I left his gift at the house and I proceeded to get a room. No need for any
more trauma today. I got settled and no more than 20 minutes had passed and he was
calling me. WHY? I returned the call which ended up going on for more than 2 hrs.
I cried and screamed and didn't want to let go. But I did. A little bit
at a time. He asked me to come back. I thought he only wanted me to get
him something to eat since I knew he was low on cash. I brought the food and he
had flowers. Yea Ok. Is what I thought. They didn't come from the heart.
My gift came from the heart and he knew it. I laid there for a while and then I
decided to go back to the room. I did. I slept there until 5am and then I came
home. It was lonely in that room. Dark. Hot then cold. Strangers lurking around
outside doing god knows what. He doesn't want me anymore. I have to keep reminding
myself of that I know. All that he's kept going under my nose. Even the best
detective doesn't catch everything. I told him today, I must be the most
Intelligent fool for loving u....


Fuck Valentine's Day.