Dear Teej;

In my quest for self assurance and self esteem I've ventured on
many of journies. Seeking out places in the darkest corners
looking for some shred of light. It never amounted to anything.
I've wasted days doing absolutely nothing... crying and hoping
that my tears will somehow wash away the pain.. I've even
tried to pretend that the problem didn't exist... but that
too, never worked. See, problems have a way of manifesting
themselves in your soul. You may think that by going on with
your life and forgetting the problem was ever there that it
has gone away. Wrong! Problems have a way of sneaking up on
you and biting u in the ass! That happened to me. I moved
to Vegas 4 years ago.. running from my problems. I was at
the lowest point of my life. Death surrounded me, anxiety
held me hostage and I'd no where to turn. So I ran! When
I got to Vegas everything bad was left behind me in Cali.
I never turned back. I made a life there. And it was good for awhile
... until the anxiety creeped back into my life and those
problems that I'd thought were behind me started to show up @ my
doorstep one by one. I was trapped with no where to run,
but still I ran. Then I met HIM. Him who stormed into my
life like a hurricane destroying all in it's path....
but leaving behind an eerie beauty in it's wake. He wiped out
any excuse I had to give.. he made me face the demons that
plagued my mind.... yet I still ran. I even managed to push
away any real love we could've had... then he ran. And again
I was alone with the same problems I'd left behind.
It's safe to say that in life we get everything we put out...
so why is that I cannot get back any happiness in my own.
Could it be because I was the one projecting the anxiety
back into my own life? Unsatisfied with my place in the universe...
unhappy because I chose to be.... unwilling to change my karma.
When did I stop lauging? When did I stop living?
I know if I sit down and think real hard I can
pinpoint the exact moment my life ended. But I'm scared.
Why is it so hard to live? I don't need therapy to know that
I've been hurt. I've had a less than flattering childhood
and adolescence. I don't NEED someone else to tell me
that my bad choices then, reflect my current situation NOW.
I can assess my own damage. SO what do I need? I couldn't
answer that for a long time. And my soul dwelved deeper into a
pit of despair... so deep that there was nothing inside of me
that I had to live for. This didn't all happened at once.
It was slow and delibrate starting with the day he left...
then the day I lost my twins, next my job.. finally my home.
Now, where am I? Back to where I started from. HOME. .....
and I'm Here to face what has plagued me for so long.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I made a list... I was asked to write down everything that made me
happy... then make it happen one by one...

It went like this...

1. Go on a picnic (check)
2. Watch the sunset (check)
3. Finish my book (working on it)
4. Go bike riding with my son
5. Buy some roller skates (still looking)
6. Find a job I ENJOY doing
7. Love me everyday no matter
8. Smile when I don't feel like smiling
9. Spend more time with my son

I checked off about 3 of these this past week.
Making this list really helped
put my pain in perspective. I had to sit down
and collectively think about what makes me happy...
that wasn't easy to do. It's easy to complain and say
what we don't want, but have u ever thought about
eliminating what u can't do and try doing what u know u can....
it's an amazing experience....

Now this is just a draft, but It's a start. This blog
has taken me 3 days to complete. Today is Saturday.
I went Rollerskating with my cousin and my son. What fun.
I think the best part of the whole day was watching the children.
It's a joy to revel in their innocence. I guess for a
long time part of me has been saddened by my past.
I'm realizing now that it's ok to remember and laugh...
and learn. It's not ok to regret and pity over what
I cannot change. I made a lot of mistakes while growing up,
but that's it... I was GROWING UP. A part of me is still growing up.
It's not expected that I would get everything right.
Everything that has been tearing down my soul are
things I cannot change EVER! But I can learn.
SO my next venture is learning how to turn my bad
experiences into lessons for my life. In the last
year I've been fortunate enough to meet some GREAT
people. My friend Teej, well what can I say about him.
He has so much insight and so much depth that's hard to
imagine he is ONE person. He has shown me how to love me
in more ways than I can write. I go thru so many ups and
downs that even I, get tired of this emotional rollercoaster...
However everytime I'v felt like ending this ride....
he's been there for me... 1200 miles away ...
keeping positive and smiling.. ALWAYS and for that I'm thank.
Last weekend was a busy time for me...
I spent the majority of the time out enjoying
the sunshine and experiencing new things....
Teej had a HUGE part in that decision for me to
FINALLY go out and have some fun...
and he doesn't even realize it.
I'm so struggling right now for love and direction,
stability, and my sanity. Every smile and thought,
no matter how big or small... HELPS.



PEACE



damn this was a long one....