Can you stand the rain?

Life is looking up. I've a few GREAT job prospects. I'm determined NOT to take just any job. It hasn't landed me anywhere good when I have in the past. Hopefully one of these prospects will turn into an opportunity. I don't pray anymore. The more I learn about me, the more I realize what a waste of time it is. I'm not saying I don't believe in GOD... I just don't believe in the whole religion thing. That's an entire different blog and one day soon I will break down what I've learned. Trying to find truth in all this deception is difficult. Yesterday it rained here. We needed it bad. Everytime it rains it reminds me of crying. It's the earth's own way of cleansing it's soul. . . Washing out all the spoiled, rotten earth. When I cry I wash out all the pain... at that moment. Then I start again. I haven't cried in the past few days. As far as Aaron goes, I'm here, but I'm not here. I don't care what he says or does any longer. It doesn't even affect me. Gone are the days of wondering WHY or WHAT I can do to make HIS life better. I'm working on my LIFE now. Back to the rain. Last night I went out in the storm to grab a bite to eat. See, I haven't been eating much.... Sometimes I go all day without anything to eat at all. I'm trying to refrain from all the fast food and lose a few more pounds... but I was hungry... so I went out. I Was in the drive thru and I seen a homeless man begging for change. A car pulled up to him and handed him a hamburger to eat. Thru the sheets of rain I could see him ravenging the wet burger like it was his last meal. He had on only a t-shirt and pants with a wind breaker. My first reaction was to tell him to go away. I, like many others have given to the "homeless" only to be played for one more hit... but tonite something was different. I thought of myself standing out in the rain... with nowhere to go and nothing to eat... so I rolled down my window and handed him 5 dollars. His eyes lite up like a thousand Christmas lites on a dark winter nite...

Dear Teej;

In my quest for self assurance and self esteem I've ventured on
many of journies. Seeking out places in the darkest corners
looking for some shred of light. It never amounted to anything.
I've wasted days doing absolutely nothing... crying and hoping
that my tears will somehow wash away the pain.. I've even
tried to pretend that the problem didn't exist... but that
too, never worked. See, problems have a way of manifesting
themselves in your soul. You may think that by going on with
your life and forgetting the problem was ever there that it
has gone away. Wrong! Problems have a way of sneaking up on
you and biting u in the ass! That happened to me. I moved
to Vegas 4 years ago.. running from my problems. I was at
the lowest point of my life. Death surrounded me, anxiety
held me hostage and I'd no where to turn. So I ran! When
I got to Vegas everything bad was left behind me in Cali.
I never turned back. I made a life there. And it was good for awhile
... until the anxiety creeped back into my life and those
problems that I'd thought were behind me started to show up @ my
doorstep one by one. I was trapped with no where to run,
but still I ran. Then I met HIM. Him who stormed into my
life like a hurricane destroying all in it's path....
but leaving behind an eerie beauty in it's wake. He wiped out
any excuse I had to give.. he made me face the demons that
plagued my mind.... yet I still ran. I even managed to push
away any real love we could've had... then he ran. And again
I was alone with the same problems I'd left behind.
It's safe to say that in life we get everything we put out...
so why is that I cannot get back any happiness in my own.
Could it be because I was the one projecting the anxiety
back into my own life? Unsatisfied with my place in the universe...
unhappy because I chose to be.... unwilling to change my karma.
When did I stop lauging? When did I stop living?
I know if I sit down and think real hard I can
pinpoint the exact moment my life ended. But I'm scared.
Why is it so hard to live? I don't need therapy to know that
I've been hurt. I've had a less than flattering childhood
and adolescence. I don't NEED someone else to tell me
that my bad choices then, reflect my current situation NOW.
I can assess my own damage. SO what do I need? I couldn't
answer that for a long time. And my soul dwelved deeper into a
pit of despair... so deep that there was nothing inside of me
that I had to live for. This didn't all happened at once.
It was slow and delibrate starting with the day he left...
then the day I lost my twins, next my job.. finally my home.
Now, where am I? Back to where I started from. HOME. .....
and I'm Here to face what has plagued me for so long.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I made a list... I was asked to write down everything that made me
happy... then make it happen one by one...

It went like this...

1. Go on a picnic (check)
2. Watch the sunset (check)
3. Finish my book (working on it)
4. Go bike riding with my son
5. Buy some roller skates (still looking)
6. Find a job I ENJOY doing
7. Love me everyday no matter
8. Smile when I don't feel like smiling
9. Spend more time with my son

I checked off about 3 of these this past week.
Making this list really helped
put my pain in perspective. I had to sit down
and collectively think about what makes me happy...
that wasn't easy to do. It's easy to complain and say
what we don't want, but have u ever thought about
eliminating what u can't do and try doing what u know u can....
it's an amazing experience....

Now this is just a draft, but It's a start. This blog
has taken me 3 days to complete. Today is Saturday.
I went Rollerskating with my cousin and my son. What fun.
I think the best part of the whole day was watching the children.
It's a joy to revel in their innocence. I guess for a
long time part of me has been saddened by my past.
I'm realizing now that it's ok to remember and laugh...
and learn. It's not ok to regret and pity over what
I cannot change. I made a lot of mistakes while growing up,
but that's it... I was GROWING UP. A part of me is still growing up.
It's not expected that I would get everything right.
Everything that has been tearing down my soul are
things I cannot change EVER! But I can learn.
SO my next venture is learning how to turn my bad
experiences into lessons for my life. In the last
year I've been fortunate enough to meet some GREAT
people. My friend Teej, well what can I say about him.
He has so much insight and so much depth that's hard to
imagine he is ONE person. He has shown me how to love me
in more ways than I can write. I go thru so many ups and
downs that even I, get tired of this emotional rollercoaster...
However everytime I'v felt like ending this ride....
he's been there for me... 1200 miles away ...
keeping positive and smiling.. ALWAYS and for that I'm thank.
Last weekend was a busy time for me...
I spent the majority of the time out enjoying
the sunshine and experiencing new things....
Teej had a HUGE part in that decision for me to
FINALLY go out and have some fun...
and he doesn't even realize it.
I'm so struggling right now for love and direction,
stability, and my sanity. Every smile and thought,
no matter how big or small... HELPS.



PEACE



damn this was a long one....

Fuck Valentine's Day.

I wrote all of this yesterday; One of my lowest and darkest days as of late.




It's 1ish.. I left the new job I started. Why? Well, when I came this morning no one even knew I Was hired. They just looked at me. Told me to answer the phone with no instruction. Talked as if I wasn't in the room. So, I called my agent and let her in on what was going on.. 4 hrs later she asked me to go home. She said she was sorry and would find something else for me. What's new?

I went to the Beach. My sanctuary in my times of need. I'm so hungry right now. I'm sitting here in Long Beach... ALONE. It's Valentine's Day, 2006.Like I said, I'm alone. Shit this year hasn't been so great thus far. I make promises to myself that I never keep, so what's the point! I don't know why. I make irrational decisions based on my current emotional status. Can anyone relate? Why can't I leave him? Why can't I have enough courage to say enough is enough? It's obvious he doesn't want me. I came here on a premise that I could make everything wrong right. He used to protect me now he just loathes my very presence with his cold stares. Do I possess any self respect? I always think back to when I was smaller... were my options any different? No they weren't. I was still treated like shit.


I got out of my car. It's chilly... windy. I wish I would've come a few days ago when it was 80 degrees. I'm sitting on this lifeguard tower trying to fight the lashes of cold wind slapping my face.The water is so soothing.. I love it! It's nice. It's a refreshing sound... today has been such a bad day. It actually started yesterday. When I was asked to take this job. I was excited. The pay was great. I even managed to get more money than they originally offered. I called Aaron. He wasn't so excited. Why is he so mean to me? It upset me that he would ruin my moment. I had an attitude all night... Even taking it out on my son. I'm not happy.
Why am I so sad? Maybe because so many good things have gone bad in my life. Life has changed so dramatically. Funny, 10 yrs ago I had no car... a 1 bed room apt in Long Beach.. not much money. I was going to school, but I used to have so much fun. Somehow, I lost touch with the person I used to be. I was in love with adventure and thrived on new experiences. Now, I'm quiet and withdrawn and just plain scared of life. It's really cold out here. I wish I had my jacket. I think I will have to make my way inland........................................................


While I was walking back inland away from the chill I couldn't help but notice all the people that were out with their sweeties... lol Many people just walked passed me like I was invisible... One man finally spoke to me. He was an older black man, about 60 I would say. He looked me over and said, "I feel ya... I'm going to clear my head too.." Then he walked awayt. Why are human beings so indifferent to one another? We don't say hello anymore.. if someone is in trouble we don't offer help, but we are quick to offer judgement. With technology has come a great indifference for humanity. I'm sure I'm just as guilty. The ocean however is quite the opposite. It's amazing actually... no matter what MAN does to contaminate or change it's infrastructure it never forgets it's purpose. Well, I'm heading back to my car because some strange guy with a camera phone is everywhere I've been.... now I could be paranoid, but I'm always better safe than sorry.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later on that Day~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I left his gift at the house and I proceeded to get a room. No need for any
more trauma today. I got settled and no more than 20 minutes had passed and he was
calling me. WHY? I returned the call which ended up going on for more than 2 hrs.
I cried and screamed and didn't want to let go. But I did. A little bit
at a time. He asked me to come back. I thought he only wanted me to get
him something to eat since I knew he was low on cash. I brought the food and he
had flowers. Yea Ok. Is what I thought. They didn't come from the heart.
My gift came from the heart and he knew it. I laid there for a while and then I
decided to go back to the room. I did. I slept there until 5am and then I came
home. It was lonely in that room. Dark. Hot then cold. Strangers lurking around
outside doing god knows what. He doesn't want me anymore. I have to keep reminding
myself of that I know. All that he's kept going under my nose. Even the best
detective doesn't catch everything. I told him today, I must be the most
Intelligent fool for loving u....


Fuck Valentine's Day.

Mind Break.

I had to take a break, not because I wanted to, but I had to. There is too much circling around in my head. I had to breathe. I moved out of my mom's. So I officially live @ Aaron's house. I'm looking for a job. I went on a few interviews and one place told me I was too qualified. LOL LOL I never heard of that before, but whatever. I'm quietly settling into the New Year, but not for long... I'm a Taurus, so it takes me a minute to make some noise. I'll tell you guys, I'm going to finish my short novel in the next 2 months. Also, I will be performing @ a few spots here in Cali, trying to release some of this negativity in my soul. Next week will be dedicated soley to writing and walking... that always helps me when I get like this. I'm ok Teej... lol (Really I am).