Sit back and enjoy the Ride..it's gonna be a long one...((SIGH))

Whew!!! What can I say. It's been a long interesting week. Since so much has happened I'm going to break up the events and try to summarize all these thoughts I have in my head...By the way I just stepped on a freaking screw, that shit hurt like hell!! I drowned it with peroxide.lol I just walked in the door & the first thing I did was hook my cable modem up to my new Laptop..Yea Ya'll I finally bought one legitimately I might say..Thanks to my great lil sister...and Ebay! My regular PC is on the fritz... I need to install the network drivers. Anyhow, on with the show!


*** Rediscovering Love ***


Something I wrote to him before I left today:
"Time is a theif...unaware of it's value to my soul"

Now there could be only one reason why at this point I feel the need to move back to Cali. His name would be Aaron. This has been a subject of debate in my in mind for the past few days. There are many demons to face here, but isn’t that the point in life. Overcoming your fears? The ironic part is that by Aaron moving back here, he has actually played a part in my getting better. I ran away from here because of the memories...
The death …. The helicopters… the attacks… the people. But this is my home. Everything about this place is me. The sunny skies…the chilly nights… the traffic.. the graffiti.. This culture has groomed and made the person I am today. What shouldn’t I love about LA? I was driving yesterday through Compton on my way to the Cerritos Mall…I saw things that Vegas could never offer. This is my home however dreary some of the memories may be. I understand that moving here in no way solidifies Aaron and I getting back to together, but at least I can be close to him. Lord knows I WOULD climb the highest mountain to be in his life. I truly believe he is my soulmate. You have no idea how many tears have fallen in the last few days. He’s been nothing but understanding… with the exception of one argument.
We've spent so much time together. It's really been wonderful. Ice cream on the beach.. dinner @ Disneyland.I'm begining to see how happy life can actually be if I just sit back and enjoy it! He hasn't said that we will not get back together. what he has relayed to me is that he needs time & space. I didn't realize that extent of the damage that I'd done to his heart. Time is really of the essence...once a moment passes we cannot get it back ...EVER! I'VE WASTED AND TAKEN FOR GRANTED SO MANY MEMORIES. At lunch Monday I cried. How embarrassing to be surrounded by a room full of strangers and I could not turn off the tears. I was so overwhelmed. I wanted to inhale all of him and hold him inside of me. He looked so sad as he watched me pick thru my food and attempt to control the flood that had emerged from my eyes.I can't explain it. This love that I feel for him. How absolutely alone and desolate I feel when he is gone. Last night we laid together and laughed. No sex. Just intimate touching and holding. We ate dinner together peacefully in one another's company. After dinner, I laid there watching a movie while he played his PS2..Suddenly, he got up to walk across the room and he looked down at me, he said,"I love you, Phatty" I never felt so loved in my life. He reads my blogs so I guess I should say this directly to him.... "Aaron, I love more today than I did yesterday. I smell u all over my skin and I feel in the deepest part of my being. This past month, you've helped me rediscover my love...that love that I used to hide underneath my layers of anger & pain. I know that there are many obstacles to come our way, but I think that with us as one we can accomplish anything. You're a beautiful, sensitive man. I can't reiterate it enough...but I'm truly sorry for all of your pain. The man you've grown into in the past year is amazing. My heart is in your hands. Be careful with it, as you it is fragile. If love were a material thing you'd have the world. I love you, Pooh" When I packed my car this morning I was sad. When he kissed me goodbye this morning I was devoid of any thoughts. I wanted to remain there in that safe place... next to him..warm... loved... SAFE.




***Skeletons in my closet***


While I was home I decided to try one more time to get in touch with MarQuin's father. I drove over to his aunt's house and left my number. I then journeyed on my old street and wound up over my cousin's place. I pulled in the driveway & went inside.Needless to say everyone was happy to see me! It was nice to hear them say how good I looked & how I haven't changed much since I was 18..**cheesin that's those good genes** So, I walk outside and who do I see, Ryan... My first love,The one who's name still remains a visual skeleton on my arm in plain sight for everyone to see. We hugged and talked for about an hour. He told me his mom died a few years ago... I felt bad. He said he'd been looking for me... then he went on to tell me that Quin's dad was going around saying my son looked like him. Didn't surprise, but see Ryan and I had already taken the paternity test.. plus there was no question. Len was just trying to be spiteful. Truth is him and Ryan resemble one another. I only dated Len briefly on the rebound from my relationship with Ryan... in which MarQuin was a result of.... A mistake that turned out to be the my biggest challenge in life. I don't regret my son, but I do regret the circumstances. Len and I have had our differences over the years, but about 3 yrs ago I'd had it with him. I don't even remember what the fight was about, but that was the last time Quin or I heard from him.... that is until Saturday morning... Not even 24 hrs after I dropped the number off at his aunts did I get a call from Len. I will have to say that yes I did let him have it good!!! How could he say those things? How could he deny his son?? He apologized and listed a million excuses. None of which had any bearing on my respect level for him. I let Quin speak with him and I decided to let him spend some time with his dad. Sunday I let him go with his dad. He stayed until this morning. It's amazing how someone can leave like he did and it have absolutely no bearing on the child. He's God to my son. Aaron told me it's not about me, so I stepped aside and let nature take it's course....whatever that may be. We'll see how long the promises get and if they last... only time will tell.




**The Conclusion**
The last 5 days have enabled me to do some real soul searching. I spent some time with my cousins that I hadn't seen in years. I also faced some self demons that have been plaguing me for quite some time. All in all I had a great time. Now that I'm back home I have a lot of decisions to make. Will I stay or will I go... For the time being it's back to work and Turner Classic Movie Channel... My bedtime companion...
Here's a movie quote for Teej... Hope u feel better babydoll...


Who said it?
"What the hell you doing in my house?? Eating a big ass sandwich and shit"