I’m soooo E mo SHUN nal

My heart....
Lately I've been contemplating writing a list ... especially since I've been on the road for the last month and seen so many things. For some reason, I couldn't fathom how to put it all together. Let's see, things have progressed so fast for me lately. I've been across the country 3 times in the last 6 weeks. I've met a man who's turned my world upside down. Good, bad or indifferent he did and I don't know what to do about it. I've come to realize that I attach myself to the idea of LOVE instead of actually allowing LOVE to manifest and grow. Maybe I am LOVE. At this point, I am unsure if I can continue on with him. When you travel at 80 mph you tend to miss a lot of important details passing by.... for instance, trust, honesty and respect. You may be fooled into believing these things existed, but in all actuality they never did. Let me leave it at that. It's not my intention to ponder any further about if I made a HUGE mistake in letting this person into my realm, which is forever evolving.. (smile) because in my heart, I still feel it was the right thing to do. For whatever it's worth he showed me a new side to myself and he made me better. He made me STOP and carefully analyze my personality in a way I'd never done before. I loved watching him watch me. We were talking the other day ( we do a lot of that lately) and he said to me, " I think you're too advanced for me, like the way you put things together, you're gifted. I haven't read ALL of your blogs, but you don't have to, to know you have a gift. I could NEVER listen to a song the way you do. And of course your beautiful too, but I am not caught up on your looks. With you being mixed and all"..... I laid there for a long time, suffocating in my tears after he said this to me... I want this to work soo bad... but with LOVE, you just NEVER know, right? It's hard to downshift from fast to slow when you've been speeding the ENTIRE time.





On the road...
Ok, black people. If I see one more cadillac, buick, cavalier or old ass MC, with missing doors, a rusted hood, painted wording that says things like, "Kiki love Dayshawn" Or "This is why I'm Hot" with some 20", 22" or 24" rims, ya'll are going to JAIL! How the hell does everyone in the middle of tim buck two have rims on their car? We are rolling in the depths of Mississippi Burning... rednecks, chickens, cows, forests for days... and what do I see... spinners, rims, low riders, jheri curls, corn rolls, colored weaves and I've had enough! lmao On some real talk, we NEED to get it together black people. ALL OF US!



The best part about being on the road is the tranquality. We'd ride for hours and I'd stare out of the window, just watching and thinking..... dreaming. I love the animals. Especially the cows! They are sooo majestic to me. Yea, I said Majestic. Have you ever watched a cow? Well, until you do.. shut it up! Haha! From time to time he'd ask me what I was thinking about.... it varied, but usually my life... my dreams and where I want to go with all of this writing I do. We'd pull over in the middle of a storm and just lay there... listening or watching the lightening. We got caught in a bad storm in Mississippi and when I say I almost drowned walking.. dammit, I did! But once you get yourself of the element... you can actually sit back and enjoy nature in it's purest form. One night we pulled over somewhere near New Mexico and Texas... we opened the back windows and went to sleep. I swear the cool, crisp air put me right to sleep and it was the best damned sleep of my life... ya'll KNOW how much I LOVE to sleep... lol Anyhow, overall being on the road is very interesting and exciting. You meet a lot of people from different walks of life and the Walmarts down south have much better merchandise.. go figure.



Crazy ass people
Why the hell did a man chase a 6 year old boy with a meat clever and stab him to death. Not soon after stabbing the mother as well. Now, the report said there were SEVERAL witness'. Ok, I don't know about you, but if I see a clown chasing a baby with a meat clever, I am NOT going to just sit back and watch. I will run his ass over... get a bat, a gun, something... but there's no way I'd just sit back and let it happen. Needless to say, the baby died and the mother is in critical condition. The world is really on it's last leg......



Peace.

My Thoughts

Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships


Is it me or my past that's pushing you away?



I'm full of pain, I know this, but I am trying to learn trust beyond my pain. I let him in, farther than I'd expected. He touched me with his heart...he says he needs me... he wants me to be a part of him. He's made mistakes... he asked for forgiveness and I nodded in agreement, but kept the resentment close at hand. I want him near when we're apart. His words seem so foreign to me as if every line is a cold, calculated lie... formulated just to get away from me. What am I doing? Is it my intuition telling me to back off or is it my spoiled, uncontrollable ways that is pushing him away. I love him. I said it out loud and it frightened me... who am I to be loved? I thought... but I am worthy of real love, right? Too much pain.... too many memories... too many dreams of what coulda been, but never transpired... but he loves me, right? I can't tell...

Fuck Nancy Grace....

Current mood: annoyed
Category: News and Politics


..

I'm sure everyone is now well abreast with the Michael Vick indictment. I happen to be ONE of Mike Vicks biggest fans. I've followed the story from day one when they began the investigation. I also know that one can be indicted for anything... that doesn't necessarily mean ONE is GUILTY. I'm in the gym the other night and I glance up at one the various t.v's and who do I see? Fucking Nancy Grace. Now this bitch got on my nerves during the whole Kobe rape ordeal, but what really irks my nerves the most is how she goes about convicting someone without any evidence. It's amazing how there are lobbyist and politicians placing bill after bill in efforts of getting laws passed to censor hip hop artists, but this woman can say and do anything on PUBLIC television. Everything she says is pure speculation. Personally, I don't know if Vick did this or not. No, I don't condone animal abuse in any way shape or form, but I respect the fact that he is due a fare trial..period! Until the courts find and convict him of a crime.. I am going to support this brotha. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common to be guilty until proven innocent. Honestly, what can we expect. This is America.. right? A country built on the blood and sweat of minorities. How can we trust people that stole everything they have? Yea, well, Like I said, FUCK NANCY GRACE and BILL O'REILLY TOO!

He's my smile

Saturday, July 14, 2007


Current mood: thankful
Category: Romance and Relationships


It happened so suddenly...
I wasn't looking or even thinking about being in love or in like or shit... in anything! I was content on having my daily battles with Aaron about whether or not we should be together or who did what to who. I was trapped in negativity, mascarading in a facade of happiness. As Teej would say, I was in the pits... I heard the echo's of several friend's voices in their futile attempts to rescue me... they ALL failed... miserably. Until HE whispered my name and the wind carried his voice all the way to my heart. He said he wanted to rescue me... I ignored the first attempt and the 2nd as well.. but on the 3rd try, he pulled me out... into the sunshine.. for the first time in months I seen my smile. I've been told I'm in love with being in love, but this time I just might actually be in love with HIM.



Chivarly lives....
He's unlike any man I've ever known. He's quiet and calm. Sexy and sweet. He was even a tad bit perturbed with me when I'd open my own doors. Going forward, I've since allowed him the pleasure of doing so.. He watches me intently as if I'm a work of art. He listens enthuastically when I speak and smiles when I smile. He is everything I've NEVER experienced. He gives me hope that love exists... with all his charm and simplicity... he's more man than i've ever known. When he kisses me my soul warms. I find myself lost in time whenever I'm with him... a never ending happily ever after... it's surreal almost.. too good to be true? I thought so, but he hasn't changed. He still opens my doors....Gets up out of his sleep to walk with me in the cold to the restroom... buys food for me even when I'm pouting and giving him a hard time... points out a star in the sky and a dolphin in the ocean. He tries his damnedest to understand me and accept me... for that I'm grateful. He's a good man. Maybe, one day I will be his..................... who knows.. but for now the ride is great

Look at all these rumors...surrounding me everyday....

I'm on the road right now....somewhere in the darkness between Texas and New Mexico...it's been lovely, even soul cleansing to breathe in air that actually soothes my mind. I initially hesitated when first asked to take the trip, but for some reason New Orleans beckoned to me. So here I am riding w/ a man that makes me feel like a queen...he revels in my beauty when I'm too misguided to see for myself. I didn't realize I'd be able to let myself become involved with another man so soon in my heartache...but god thru life allows amazing things to occur when we least expect it! So imagine how I felt when he advised me we had a mutual friend in common...or more like he has a friend that knows of me...from the moment he mentioned it to me I was uneasy...I looked at this person's page and didn't recognize her at all...so...being the curious george I am, I began to probe him further. After a full interogation and a long uncomfortable silence he revealed the details of a conversation that literally rocked my world. He went on to explain this woman told him I was promiscious and I had tested positive for HIV...WHOOOA.... Now, I am NOT hiv positive... but what disturbed me even more is the audacity of someone to even say something like this...something so hurtful and sick.... this isn't high school people... a rumor in this capacity could certainly devastate a person's life! I am furious! I contacted this woman directly becaused rumors need to be squashed at the source... I am also considering sueing her ass for defamation of character. I can't believe there are grown ass women still so bitter and envious of others , that they'd stoop to such low levels in the attemp to get a man... funny part is I was just tested for HIV about a month and I'm able to put the nasty rumor to rest...in her hopes of keeping this man from me, she actually pushed him closer to me... I can't wait to get home. peace