Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships
I will make this real quick and to the point! If you are married, involved, attached or "someone" else out in the world believes you are... LEAVE ME THE PHUCK ALONE! There is nothing worse than spending 5 years of your life with the man, you think you're going to marry... only to find out he is basically living a "single" life online and has an array of women completely oblivious to your very existence. Going through that caused my own doubts about if I was good enough and raised questions about who I am as a woman. If you've never been through such emotional turmoil, it's indescribable. I wouldn't wish that type of pain on anyone in the world!
My reasons...
For the last 9 months or so I've been taking my son to this very popular barber shop. Lots of men hang out there, obviously, but the owner of the shop took a particular interest in me. He cuts my son's hair and even offered my son a job. Everytime I'd come in the shop, he'd make passes at me or compliment my clothes or hair. I never paid attention until recently. He seemed liked a nice enough man... handsome, successful, so I finally give him my number. He calls later on in the evening. He asked if he could come over... I tell him NO! First off, I don't bring people that I KNOW to my house on a regular basis, secondly, I don't KNOW him from adam.. so, yea it's a no. In addition, that basically told me he only had one interest in me.... so I play a little word game with him. I ask why does he need to come to my house, can't he play in his own home... (yea, I can be a lil naughty) He answers, " Well, you know, I have someone there...." HA! Really... hmmm? a wife I blurt out! He's silent for a moment and then he replies, "Yea, I thought you knew....". Ok, Why the hell would I know? There's a ring missing from your fucking left hand idiot! I try not to let my anger seeth and seep into our conversation. I told him point blank.. I DON'T PLAY WITH MARRIED MEN... PERIOD! He claims to understand and respect that. So, I am curious, I begin to ask WHY he feels the need to cheat. He gives me these ridiculous excuses, for instance, the sparks are gone... other people interferred... he's not IN LOVE anymore... yada yada yada... Well, Mr. Barbershop.. LEAVE. Don't bring another innocent woman into your equation of unhappiness. Understand that I know I am a fairly attractive woman AND I also know I could use my assets as a means of getting to the next level, but THAT'S NOT ME! See, this is how motha f*cca's end up on Unsolved Mysteries and Snapped! I don't fathom I'll ever understand men in my lifetime... but don't worry married ladies.. I am no homewrecker.
June 13, 2007
More poetry...
Friday, June 08, 2007
Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry
Captured Soul
Copyright Cherise J Thomas 2005
In the eye of the storm is where u explode...furiously yelling and ripping through anything that gets in your way...to get a point across. It`s nature, yet I fight it like it`s not supposed to be. U make your rounds chaotically in and out of my heart like a thief in the night...Tormenting and tearing into my soul, swearing me away, but refusing to let go. You`ve stripped me down to all or nothing, leaving me exposed; but i have nothing to hide that wasn`t already hidden; unconsciously known...in the dark I am cold and confused..violated and abused by the winds of your distrust. Spinning around in the eye of your storm battered about as u refuse to let go...I`ve succombed to your ultimate task at hand & i`ve given u all that I am. I cannot fight back anymore.I am your Captured Soul.
2005cjt
"Grey"
Cjt 2005
This is who I was:
A little girl born innocent in this world.
No stranger to touches.
Curly, long hair,bright brown eyes..tan skin
Black Father; White Mother
full of potential
conflicted within.
No one knew the pain
I kept inside.
They sent me to school
unprepared to deal with
my racial divide.
I was different though
never made aware
Until the day
Parent-Teacher conferences
came and all of my friends just stared.
"Yo Momma Is White" I remember
one kid yelled.. followed by
echoing laughter.
I just shrugged my shoulders
and replied, "oh well"
That day marked the begining
of my own internal fight...
from then I knew It wasn't
cool to be white.
I was hurt & confused...
which led to my own self abuse.
I moved aimlessly from place to place.
In search of identity;love;a plan.
I'd no self respect & found myself
succombing to the desires of a man...
thinking this is all I had..
I didn't understand Why it was so
hard to be loved just for who I am.
My self worth slowly evaporated
and between my legs was the only
thing that validated my heinous reality.
This who I became:
Angry & so Full of hate.
I excluded myself from anything great.
WHO AM I? WHO AM I?
MY SOUL WOULD SCREAM!!
I'm gonna slap this bitch if she
keeps speaking spanish to me!
Doesn't she know I'm Black?
I'm so tired of hearing,
"Well, you don't look Black".
How ignorant is that?
If they had an ounce of intelligence
they'd know that dark skin is not the
only definition of being BLACK!
Color Conscious White Folks;
Envious Black Folks;
They all had my mind blowing up in smoke.
Too Black to be White.. Too white to be black...
It seemed I was the enemy on both sides of the attack.
Which side do I choose?
My heart's in dismay,Seems no matter where I
journey I lose ultimately...
So finally I've decided at the end of this day...
I'm Not black nor white..
I'm just Grey.
Rejection
CJT2006
I'm not the beauty icon you see on T.V..
My honey-colored light skin didn't get me in or
even close for that matter... I'm on the back
of the bus, invisible to the struggle surrounding
me....detached revolutionary, dark dreamer and
black power believer!
I am not his image of black beauty... instead I'm
a constant reminder of his pain..a shadow of discontenment;
half breed resentment.
He has no idea about my internal battles; I come from
no where and my skin is bare of any remaining history;
Many of my nights spent crying wishing upon a darker envy:
Nappy hair, ebony eyes, black fist held high!
I'm the lured sexual desire of your man as shown in mainstream media.
Clashing with righteousness and the opinions that I'm superior.
Never a wife, but always a hoe... stereo-types that I'm easy,
sleazy,and superb on my knees.. high maintainence, high stress...
So hard to please.
Truth is, I'm quiet preferring my solitude..there's nothing bad about my attitude.
I'm loving and longing for my king to make me a queen.. I'm searching
for acceptance in shades of deep mahogany. Love scenes, as shown in
love jones... or love and basketball don't depict me at all.. Instead,I'm the
vixen trying seduce your man or the woman who devises the plan to take
all and leave nothing...sigh...and rightfully so, since you know, I am just
a high yella, house nigga, wanna be, white man's hoe.
Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry
Captured Soul
Copyright Cherise J Thomas 2005
In the eye of the storm is where u explode...furiously yelling and ripping through anything that gets in your way...to get a point across. It`s nature, yet I fight it like it`s not supposed to be. U make your rounds chaotically in and out of my heart like a thief in the night...Tormenting and tearing into my soul, swearing me away, but refusing to let go. You`ve stripped me down to all or nothing, leaving me exposed; but i have nothing to hide that wasn`t already hidden; unconsciously known...in the dark I am cold and confused..violated and abused by the winds of your distrust. Spinning around in the eye of your storm battered about as u refuse to let go...I`ve succombed to your ultimate task at hand & i`ve given u all that I am. I cannot fight back anymore.I am your Captured Soul.
2005cjt
"Grey"
Cjt 2005
This is who I was:
A little girl born innocent in this world.
No stranger to touches.
Curly, long hair,bright brown eyes..tan skin
Black Father; White Mother
full of potential
conflicted within.
No one knew the pain
I kept inside.
They sent me to school
unprepared to deal with
my racial divide.
I was different though
never made aware
Until the day
Parent-Teacher conferences
came and all of my friends just stared.
"Yo Momma Is White" I remember
one kid yelled.. followed by
echoing laughter.
I just shrugged my shoulders
and replied, "oh well"
That day marked the begining
of my own internal fight...
from then I knew It wasn't
cool to be white.
I was hurt & confused...
which led to my own self abuse.
I moved aimlessly from place to place.
In search of identity;love;a plan.
I'd no self respect & found myself
succombing to the desires of a man...
thinking this is all I had..
I didn't understand Why it was so
hard to be loved just for who I am.
My self worth slowly evaporated
and between my legs was the only
thing that validated my heinous reality.
This who I became:
Angry & so Full of hate.
I excluded myself from anything great.
WHO AM I? WHO AM I?
MY SOUL WOULD SCREAM!!
I'm gonna slap this bitch if she
keeps speaking spanish to me!
Doesn't she know I'm Black?
I'm so tired of hearing,
"Well, you don't look Black".
How ignorant is that?
If they had an ounce of intelligence
they'd know that dark skin is not the
only definition of being BLACK!
Color Conscious White Folks;
Envious Black Folks;
They all had my mind blowing up in smoke.
Too Black to be White.. Too white to be black...
It seemed I was the enemy on both sides of the attack.
Which side do I choose?
My heart's in dismay,Seems no matter where I
journey I lose ultimately...
So finally I've decided at the end of this day...
I'm Not black nor white..
I'm just Grey.
Rejection
CJT2006
I'm not the beauty icon you see on T.V..
My honey-colored light skin didn't get me in or
even close for that matter... I'm on the back
of the bus, invisible to the struggle surrounding
me....detached revolutionary, dark dreamer and
black power believer!
I am not his image of black beauty... instead I'm
a constant reminder of his pain..a shadow of discontenment;
half breed resentment.
He has no idea about my internal battles; I come from
no where and my skin is bare of any remaining history;
Many of my nights spent crying wishing upon a darker envy:
Nappy hair, ebony eyes, black fist held high!
I'm the lured sexual desire of your man as shown in mainstream media.
Clashing with righteousness and the opinions that I'm superior.
Never a wife, but always a hoe... stereo-types that I'm easy,
sleazy,and superb on my knees.. high maintainence, high stress...
So hard to please.
Truth is, I'm quiet preferring my solitude..there's nothing bad about my attitude.
I'm loving and longing for my king to make me a queen.. I'm searching
for acceptance in shades of deep mahogany. Love scenes, as shown in
love jones... or love and basketball don't depict me at all.. Instead,I'm the
vixen trying seduce your man or the woman who devises the plan to take
all and leave nothing...sigh...and rightfully so, since you know, I am just
a high yella, house nigga, wanna be, white man's hoe.
Paris,Stop crying and suck it up like the rest of us!
Current mood: aggravated
Category: News and Politics
I wasn't going to give this much thought or energy, mainly due to the fact that the media is already doing a great job of OVER SENSATIONALIZING this crap! I log onto Yahoo and here is this BIG story about poor Paris Hilton being returned to jail.. Oh the outrage. Here she is in tears, screaming, begging and proclaiming it ain't right.
Well, I have news for you my sista... or sister.. LOL As a juvenile I spent 9 months in Camp Challenger.. When I was 24, I was arrested on a warrant I didn't know existed, for something I didn't do.. at least not intentionally. I spent 12 long days in between 2 jails. At that time the women were housed at Twin Towers in downtown LA. I was also battling a serious mental condition, Chronic Anxiety Disorder and I suffered from severe panic attacks for which I took medication. At no time did anyone seem to care about this problem. My picture was taken and I was thrown in cell with the rest of the immates.
Needless to say, 7 years later I am NOW fighting a petty theft charge in which they have no evidence on me, except the fact my car was there and I was with some friends. The statue of limitations is just about up on the case and I have not been arrested or in any type of trouble since being a juvenile (side note: previous case mentioned was subsequently dismissed). The DA could care less that I am single mother, with no prior convictions, least of all any petty theft. He could care less his only witness remembers nothing. He is determined to prosecute me to the fullest extent of the law. He definitely doesn't care that if convicted of this crime, it could potentially hurt any future chances I have of obtaining a great job in law enforcement.... why would he? He doesn't know me. To him, I am just another black statistic. To him, I am just a case to be won... I have no face.
When I see Paris Hilton on TV crying about serving 23 days in jail, it infuriates me!! BITCH PLEASE! (excuse the language, on the other hand don't!) There are real people in the world, with REAL problems and the law could care less about them! Here you are afforded more than most people will EVER see in their lifetime. You walk arrogantly through life as if SOMEONE owes you... get a grip. Suck it up and be a woman. You didn't care to think when you were driving around without a license. I know that if I am convicted of this bullshit ass crime... it's probably my karma for all of the other shit I never got caught for... and I will not complain, but take it for what it is... I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not that young girl making stupid decisions. I'm a grown adult who abides the law (except for the occassional finger I give to passing patrol cars while playing FUCK THE POLICE) LOL.
My point is, we've ALL done something in our lives we are not proud of, some more than others. There has to come a time when we ACCEPT responsibility for our actions. Good or bad.
Paris, get over it and yourself!
Category: News and Politics
I wasn't going to give this much thought or energy, mainly due to the fact that the media is already doing a great job of OVER SENSATIONALIZING this crap! I log onto Yahoo and here is this BIG story about poor Paris Hilton being returned to jail.. Oh the outrage. Here she is in tears, screaming, begging and proclaiming it ain't right.
Well, I have news for you my sista... or sister.. LOL As a juvenile I spent 9 months in Camp Challenger.. When I was 24, I was arrested on a warrant I didn't know existed, for something I didn't do.. at least not intentionally. I spent 12 long days in between 2 jails. At that time the women were housed at Twin Towers in downtown LA. I was also battling a serious mental condition, Chronic Anxiety Disorder and I suffered from severe panic attacks for which I took medication. At no time did anyone seem to care about this problem. My picture was taken and I was thrown in cell with the rest of the immates.
Needless to say, 7 years later I am NOW fighting a petty theft charge in which they have no evidence on me, except the fact my car was there and I was with some friends. The statue of limitations is just about up on the case and I have not been arrested or in any type of trouble since being a juvenile (side note: previous case mentioned was subsequently dismissed). The DA could care less that I am single mother, with no prior convictions, least of all any petty theft. He could care less his only witness remembers nothing. He is determined to prosecute me to the fullest extent of the law. He definitely doesn't care that if convicted of this crime, it could potentially hurt any future chances I have of obtaining a great job in law enforcement.... why would he? He doesn't know me. To him, I am just another black statistic. To him, I am just a case to be won... I have no face.
When I see Paris Hilton on TV crying about serving 23 days in jail, it infuriates me!! BITCH PLEASE! (excuse the language, on the other hand don't!) There are real people in the world, with REAL problems and the law could care less about them! Here you are afforded more than most people will EVER see in their lifetime. You walk arrogantly through life as if SOMEONE owes you... get a grip. Suck it up and be a woman. You didn't care to think when you were driving around without a license. I know that if I am convicted of this bullshit ass crime... it's probably my karma for all of the other shit I never got caught for... and I will not complain, but take it for what it is... I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not that young girl making stupid decisions. I'm a grown adult who abides the law (except for the occassional finger I give to passing patrol cars while playing FUCK THE POLICE) LOL.
My point is, we've ALL done something in our lives we are not proud of, some more than others. There has to come a time when we ACCEPT responsibility for our actions. Good or bad.
Paris, get over it and yourself!
The dinner....
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Current mood: touched
Category: Romance and Relationships
Another angry text message arguement.
Ok, the better part of Saturday was spent arguing via text messaging. WHY? Who the hell knows.. I guess I said something "He" didn't like. I asked the wrong question or made an inplication of "US" being together, which for the record, I didn't. After about 3 or 4 hours of angry typing and swollen fingers, I gave up. Damn, how did we get here? Wasn't it EVER good between us? Didn't he used to love me? Haven't I cried enough? I sighed and picked my son up from the gym. I needed to be near him... and feel him. My son is my HOPE for the future... he has a chance to be what I've never been able to accomplish.. I just wish he knew... I watched him intently as he spewed off 1000 requests he needed filled by his birthday. "Momma, I need $20 for a haircut and how many friends can I invite to hurricane harbor... Can you buy me a famous stars and stripes hat to match my t-shirt... my Rap coordinator, Sal said just bring him the money and he will get it for me..please momma... " I love this kid... whom is totally oblivious to the fact that I've lost my job... and I've depleted every dime in both my savings and checking accounts... which, by the way is NOW overdrafted and my atm card confiscated at the Kiosk atm just moments before our conversation. Oh to be a kid... again.. I never KNEW how great it was.. and he is a KID.... ya know.. it's NOT his job to make sure everything is alright.. it's mine... (side note: who takes care of me when everything isn't ok?) The joy of adulthood strikes again! The day stretched on and I found myself at the carwash... cleaning my car... and then I had an idea... I would invite Aaron to dinner... maybe we could put this animosity behind us... I have to get through this somehow. I sent a text message with my proposal and to my surprise he accepted. I asked him what he would like to eat? We agreed on Steak.. I headed to the grocery store. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure I wanted this dinner to be special.. for HIM. I wanted to give him a glimpse of what is inside of my heart and mind. I shopped for all of my ingredients.. the menu consisted of coconut shrimp.. steak... salad... baked potatoes and rolls ... I also threw in some homemade alfredo pasta I'd made.... I made homemade walnut brownies and I bought some vanilla bean ice cream and chocolate syrup.. (one of his favs) This had to be perfect. Just once
Preparations.
Today started rather slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 a.m. I rushed to make breakfast for my son, clean up and get myself to the gym. First item of business was the music. So, I went thru all of my cd's and made the PERFECT mix of what I was feeling. I had some Robin Thicke, Lost without you.. Blackstreet.. before I let you go.. Love Jones... Sweetest Thing... Mary J.. (ole skool) Changes I've been going thru.. Ne-Yo.. Do You.. Yea, you get it... right? (smile) Next, I pack my gym bag.. I will have to shower and dress there... my steak is marinating.. my brownies are just out of the oven... I get out my brand new wine set.. complete with the wine caraf... I head out. Take Quin to his dads.. manage to get in 45 minutes of cardio... shower, dress and make it home just at 6... he will be here in one hour... I have my steak in the oven.. my shrimp frying... my baked potatoes in the microwave (which by the way does a wonderful job)... I am putting my salad together.. cutting up cucumbers... and washing cherry tomatoes... (thank god for Fresh Starts Veggie mix salad!). I turn my living room into the MOST ROMANTIC setting ever. I have a japanese style coffee table, which sits low to the floor. I placed my throw pillows around the table. Time for the "good" dishes.. LOL I set the table.. wine caraf in the middle... candles surrounding the caraf.. wine glasses and salad bowls on top of the plates.. everything was going great and HE walked in just at 7... Steaks went into the broiler to finish up while we ate our salad and made small talk. He was surprised. I could see it in his eyes. He commented on how nice everything looked and tasted. He kept staring at me. The sun set and the candlelight grew larger... exposing the tears in his eyes. The music played and he asked, "Did you make this cd for tonite?", Yes, I replied.. He smiled. I explained how I wanted to give him something unique ...
The conclusion
We sat there in silence for a long while listening to Janet coo.. "Come back to me".... I looked over and he was crying... seriously crying. I didn't want to cry tonight. I knew this was potentially the LAST time we'd be together like this. I held it in. I wanted to be strong. For so long I'd been consumed by negativity.. holding onto bad memories.. exposing who he wasn't to the world. I was wrong. And at that moment I let go. He brought me to my feet. He held me... and cried.. his tears mixing with my own. Our fingers locked tightly into one another's ... we cried. He said he had to go... and I felt helpless... like those days when I was a homeless teen... wandering the streets in the cold.. no where to go... I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I asked him WHY? What is wrong with me? He replied, "There is nothing wrong with you... I have to go.. I am sorry.. I will always love you, Cherise....." And he went and I sobbed. I ran to the door and at that moment he stopped and looked back at me and then, he turned and walked down the path to his car. I ran barefoot to the street and watched his car drive away... brake lights in tow. I slowly made my way back to my apartment. I sat down on my couch and sobbed. Moments later, we talked briefly on the phone. I explained I wanted him to have something special.. from me. Something good because he is so many wonderful things that he doesn't see. He's intelligent and giving.. He has the potential to be that lawyer he dreams of becoming.. I told him I was sorry I didn't support him then.. AND I love him more than I can breathe... and I sobbed and so did he. And then it was over.
Peaceful texts...
"thank u for a beautiful experience and i dont just mean the dinner. Hardest thing i think ive ever been through, aaron"
I usually go thru and edit my blogs.. but this right here is raw and uncut.. from my heart.. so If i left out a word from typing too fast or I mispelled anything, forgive me... Reese
Currently listening :
Love Jones: The Music (1997 Film)
By Various Artists
Release date: By 11 March, 1997
Current mood: touched
Category: Romance and Relationships
Another angry text message arguement.
Ok, the better part of Saturday was spent arguing via text messaging. WHY? Who the hell knows.. I guess I said something "He" didn't like. I asked the wrong question or made an inplication of "US" being together, which for the record, I didn't. After about 3 or 4 hours of angry typing and swollen fingers, I gave up. Damn, how did we get here? Wasn't it EVER good between us? Didn't he used to love me? Haven't I cried enough? I sighed and picked my son up from the gym. I needed to be near him... and feel him. My son is my HOPE for the future... he has a chance to be what I've never been able to accomplish.. I just wish he knew... I watched him intently as he spewed off 1000 requests he needed filled by his birthday. "Momma, I need $20 for a haircut and how many friends can I invite to hurricane harbor... Can you buy me a famous stars and stripes hat to match my t-shirt... my Rap coordinator, Sal said just bring him the money and he will get it for me..please momma... " I love this kid... whom is totally oblivious to the fact that I've lost my job... and I've depleted every dime in both my savings and checking accounts... which, by the way is NOW overdrafted and my atm card confiscated at the Kiosk atm just moments before our conversation. Oh to be a kid... again.. I never KNEW how great it was.. and he is a KID.... ya know.. it's NOT his job to make sure everything is alright.. it's mine... (side note: who takes care of me when everything isn't ok?) The joy of adulthood strikes again! The day stretched on and I found myself at the carwash... cleaning my car... and then I had an idea... I would invite Aaron to dinner... maybe we could put this animosity behind us... I have to get through this somehow. I sent a text message with my proposal and to my surprise he accepted. I asked him what he would like to eat? We agreed on Steak.. I headed to the grocery store. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure I wanted this dinner to be special.. for HIM. I wanted to give him a glimpse of what is inside of my heart and mind. I shopped for all of my ingredients.. the menu consisted of coconut shrimp.. steak... salad... baked potatoes and rolls ... I also threw in some homemade alfredo pasta I'd made.... I made homemade walnut brownies and I bought some vanilla bean ice cream and chocolate syrup.. (one of his favs) This had to be perfect. Just once
Preparations.
Today started rather slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 a.m. I rushed to make breakfast for my son, clean up and get myself to the gym. First item of business was the music. So, I went thru all of my cd's and made the PERFECT mix of what I was feeling. I had some Robin Thicke, Lost without you.. Blackstreet.. before I let you go.. Love Jones... Sweetest Thing... Mary J.. (ole skool) Changes I've been going thru.. Ne-Yo.. Do You.. Yea, you get it... right? (smile) Next, I pack my gym bag.. I will have to shower and dress there... my steak is marinating.. my brownies are just out of the oven... I get out my brand new wine set.. complete with the wine caraf... I head out. Take Quin to his dads.. manage to get in 45 minutes of cardio... shower, dress and make it home just at 6... he will be here in one hour... I have my steak in the oven.. my shrimp frying... my baked potatoes in the microwave (which by the way does a wonderful job)... I am putting my salad together.. cutting up cucumbers... and washing cherry tomatoes... (thank god for Fresh Starts Veggie mix salad!). I turn my living room into the MOST ROMANTIC setting ever. I have a japanese style coffee table, which sits low to the floor. I placed my throw pillows around the table. Time for the "good" dishes.. LOL I set the table.. wine caraf in the middle... candles surrounding the caraf.. wine glasses and salad bowls on top of the plates.. everything was going great and HE walked in just at 7... Steaks went into the broiler to finish up while we ate our salad and made small talk. He was surprised. I could see it in his eyes. He commented on how nice everything looked and tasted. He kept staring at me. The sun set and the candlelight grew larger... exposing the tears in his eyes. The music played and he asked, "Did you make this cd for tonite?", Yes, I replied.. He smiled. I explained how I wanted to give him something unique ...
The conclusion
We sat there in silence for a long while listening to Janet coo.. "Come back to me".... I looked over and he was crying... seriously crying. I didn't want to cry tonight. I knew this was potentially the LAST time we'd be together like this. I held it in. I wanted to be strong. For so long I'd been consumed by negativity.. holding onto bad memories.. exposing who he wasn't to the world. I was wrong. And at that moment I let go. He brought me to my feet. He held me... and cried.. his tears mixing with my own. Our fingers locked tightly into one another's ... we cried. He said he had to go... and I felt helpless... like those days when I was a homeless teen... wandering the streets in the cold.. no where to go... I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I asked him WHY? What is wrong with me? He replied, "There is nothing wrong with you... I have to go.. I am sorry.. I will always love you, Cherise....." And he went and I sobbed. I ran to the door and at that moment he stopped and looked back at me and then, he turned and walked down the path to his car. I ran barefoot to the street and watched his car drive away... brake lights in tow. I slowly made my way back to my apartment. I sat down on my couch and sobbed. Moments later, we talked briefly on the phone. I explained I wanted him to have something special.. from me. Something good because he is so many wonderful things that he doesn't see. He's intelligent and giving.. He has the potential to be that lawyer he dreams of becoming.. I told him I was sorry I didn't support him then.. AND I love him more than I can breathe... and I sobbed and so did he. And then it was over.
Peaceful texts...
"thank u for a beautiful experience and i dont just mean the dinner. Hardest thing i think ive ever been through, aaron"
I usually go thru and edit my blogs.. but this right here is raw and uncut.. from my heart.. so If i left out a word from typing too fast or I mispelled anything, forgive me... Reese
Currently listening :
Love Jones: The Music (1997 Film)
By Various Artists
Release date: By 11 March, 1997
My Poetry.....
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry
I've decided to post some of poetry.. at least the ones I have copyrighted. They will be in the book.. Enjoy... Feedback is appreciated...
Ecstasy
..> By Cherise thomas
WITH ONE GLANCE U
TOOK MY BREATH AWAY-
SUFFOCATING MY PAIN;
EXPOSING MY INNER MOST
DESIRES WITH YOUR
CONTROLLING DOMINATION-
I COULD NOT ELUDE MY FEARS-
INSTEAD,I DRIFTED OFF INTO
OBLIVION AS U ENTERED MY
SOUL-MANIPULATING EVERY INCH
OF MY FEMININITY;CAUSING ME TO
BECOME INSANE.
WEEPING AS JOLTS OF CLIMATIC
PLEASURE EXPLODE THROUGH MY
BEING...YOU HAVE CONQUERED YOUR
MISSION- I`VE SURRENDERED ALL
THAT I AM.
I AM YOURS... ECSTASY CJT2001
Hurt...
..> By Cherise thomas
WRITTEN BY:CHERISE J.THOMAS
(A LESSON IN DECEIT)
A HEART STOLEN, A HEART BROKEN.
PERSECUTED LOVE.
UNWELCOME DESIRES FOR A MAN
TO WHOM IS NOT MINE.
I WASTED MY VALUABLE TIME.
HE UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF
MY SOUL- GUARDING MY THOUGHTS-
MAKING IT UNBEARABLE TO LET GO.
UNCONSCIOUS OF HIS INSENSITIVE
WAYS- I WAS UNAWARE OF THE CAT&
MOUSE GAME HE PLAYS...
MENTAL EXCITATION LED THE WAY
TO BURNING INFATUATION... LUSTFUL CONVERSATIONS ELUDING;
INTOXICATING PERSAUSIONS.
I GAVE INTO HIS INTELLECTUAL SEDUCTION ONLY TO BE REJECTED AND ILL-TREATED.
L0VE HAS BEEN DEFEATED.
The Napkin...
..> By Cherise thomas
U left and I quickly grabbed my pen and your napkin...
I began...
My soul is completely captured by your presence,
the very essence
of wanting u...
creates a need beyond
explanation.
You have broken
every barrier,
and
now I am exposed.
Naked,
to the truth
as it unfolds.
Love Hurts.
"Sudden Thoughts"
Emptiness settles after the anger subsides
The pain is numbing,causing my spirit to die.
Mis-led by promises unkept-
The torment runs deeper than the oceans depth.
I contemplate all of my mistakes
I lay wide awake
Wondering if I have been raped
By life--
And what I thought would be a gratifying existence
Turned out to be a pitiful resistance
Against time and the inevitable
We all must die!
Excitement turns into fear masked by
What some see as strength
At any moment I will break
Down into what I have come to hate...
Me.
Cherise Joy Thomas
Copyright ©2007 Cherise Joy Thomas
Currently listening :
Personal Conversation
By Case
Release date: By 20 April, 1999
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry
I've decided to post some of poetry.. at least the ones I have copyrighted. They will be in the book.. Enjoy... Feedback is appreciated...
Ecstasy
..> By Cherise thomas
WITH ONE GLANCE U
TOOK MY BREATH AWAY-
SUFFOCATING MY PAIN;
EXPOSING MY INNER MOST
DESIRES WITH YOUR
CONTROLLING DOMINATION-
I COULD NOT ELUDE MY FEARS-
INSTEAD,I DRIFTED OFF INTO
OBLIVION AS U ENTERED MY
SOUL-MANIPULATING EVERY INCH
OF MY FEMININITY;CAUSING ME TO
BECOME INSANE.
WEEPING AS JOLTS OF CLIMATIC
PLEASURE EXPLODE THROUGH MY
BEING...YOU HAVE CONQUERED YOUR
MISSION- I`VE SURRENDERED ALL
THAT I AM.
I AM YOURS... ECSTASY CJT2001
Hurt...
..> By Cherise thomas
WRITTEN BY:CHERISE J.THOMAS
(A LESSON IN DECEIT)
A HEART STOLEN, A HEART BROKEN.
PERSECUTED LOVE.
UNWELCOME DESIRES FOR A MAN
TO WHOM IS NOT MINE.
I WASTED MY VALUABLE TIME.
HE UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF
MY SOUL- GUARDING MY THOUGHTS-
MAKING IT UNBEARABLE TO LET GO.
UNCONSCIOUS OF HIS INSENSITIVE
WAYS- I WAS UNAWARE OF THE CAT&
MOUSE GAME HE PLAYS...
MENTAL EXCITATION LED THE WAY
TO BURNING INFATUATION... LUSTFUL CONVERSATIONS ELUDING;
INTOXICATING PERSAUSIONS.
I GAVE INTO HIS INTELLECTUAL SEDUCTION ONLY TO BE REJECTED AND ILL-TREATED.
L0VE HAS BEEN DEFEATED.
The Napkin...
..> By Cherise thomas
U left and I quickly grabbed my pen and your napkin...
I began...
My soul is completely captured by your presence,
the very essence
of wanting u...
creates a need beyond
explanation.
You have broken
every barrier,
and
now I am exposed.
Naked,
to the truth
as it unfolds.
Love Hurts.
"Sudden Thoughts"
Emptiness settles after the anger subsides
The pain is numbing,causing my spirit to die.
Mis-led by promises unkept-
The torment runs deeper than the oceans depth.
I contemplate all of my mistakes
I lay wide awake
Wondering if I have been raped
By life--
And what I thought would be a gratifying existence
Turned out to be a pitiful resistance
Against time and the inevitable
We all must die!
Excitement turns into fear masked by
What some see as strength
At any moment I will break
Down into what I have come to hate...
Me.
Cherise Joy Thomas
Copyright ©2007 Cherise Joy Thomas
Currently listening :
Personal Conversation
By Case
Release date: By 20 April, 1999
A little love letter.... ?? or NOT
Friday, June 01, 2007
Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships
seriously though reese...whats going to happen..what if i get into a serious relationship..is that ok with you?..i worry about you..not that you cant take care of yourself but that you love me so much that im going to always be breaking your heart or something...you dont understand how complicated this is...i made this desicion but it still breaks my heart not to be with you at times...and i dont want you to keep holding on...i dont think i can ever stop worrying about you though...just period..thats why i get so mad when you call me drunk..its bad for you in so many ways..i just want to know if i do seriously move on youll be ok..and i know this note may suck.this is the hardest thing ive gone through ..im sorry..see i dont even know what to say anymore..i do love you...always will..right now i cant promise you what you need..im sorry pooh..i am..please ask your heart to forgive me someday,,
love aaron
Currently listening :
The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
By Marvin Gaye
Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships
seriously though reese...whats going to happen..what if i get into a serious relationship..is that ok with you?..i worry about you..not that you cant take care of yourself but that you love me so much that im going to always be breaking your heart or something...you dont understand how complicated this is...i made this desicion but it still breaks my heart not to be with you at times...and i dont want you to keep holding on...i dont think i can ever stop worrying about you though...just period..thats why i get so mad when you call me drunk..its bad for you in so many ways..i just want to know if i do seriously move on youll be ok..and i know this note may suck.this is the hardest thing ive gone through ..im sorry..see i dont even know what to say anymore..i do love you...always will..right now i cant promise you what you need..im sorry pooh..i am..please ask your heart to forgive me someday,,
love aaron
Currently listening :
The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
By Marvin Gaye
Ok Black People!
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life
Wat it do shawty?
I could be getting old or out of touch with the NEW generation of youth coming up.. but while browsing thru several myspace spots I am noticing a common trend with the use of the down south slang... OK, OK.. if you are FROM LA, CA, there is no reason WHY you should be saying Shawty, wat it do,or have anything other than the teeth GOD gave you in your mouth! PERIOD!! What happened to originality?? A few cats hit the music scene and now everybody is talking like they're from Mississippi.. WTF? What happened to that West Coast flavor I grew up on? Clean white tee's, khakis and low riders on Sunday... and what the hell does "getting your grown man on" mean? If I hear that shit one more 'gain.. wheew it's going to be baaaad.
Monkey see, monkey do...
I really feel like music and our culture has fallen off as a whole. I've said this before, but I must reiterate, there used to be a uniqueness that set US apart from everyone else. What happened? We have a group of young people just following what the next is doing. When is the next INDIVIDUAL going to step up and LEAD? I shooo miss 2pac and Biggie, cross colors.. kid n play...kwame... guess jeans and rayon shirts.. flat tops and polka dots... I miss being black... because shit... nowadays EVERYBODY is BLACK.. or wanna be... or tryna be... Our culture should NOT be defined by fried chicken, basketball and wanna be rappers starting stereo-typical fads for the masses to follow... We NEED some originality.... something that EVERYONE is not doing... I remember when break dancing used to be something that people stopped to watch and they were in awe... or when Hip Hop videos were only played on Yo! MTV Raps/ BET... I am getting depressed just watching our music/culture go to shit.... does anyone feel me???
Peace.
Currently listening :
In Effect Mode
By Al B. Sure!
Release date: By 25 October, 1990
Category: Life
Wat it do shawty?
I could be getting old or out of touch with the NEW generation of youth coming up.. but while browsing thru several myspace spots I am noticing a common trend with the use of the down south slang... OK, OK.. if you are FROM LA, CA, there is no reason WHY you should be saying Shawty, wat it do,or have anything other than the teeth GOD gave you in your mouth! PERIOD!! What happened to originality?? A few cats hit the music scene and now everybody is talking like they're from Mississippi.. WTF? What happened to that West Coast flavor I grew up on? Clean white tee's, khakis and low riders on Sunday... and what the hell does "getting your grown man on" mean? If I hear that shit one more 'gain.. wheew it's going to be baaaad.
Monkey see, monkey do...
I really feel like music and our culture has fallen off as a whole. I've said this before, but I must reiterate, there used to be a uniqueness that set US apart from everyone else. What happened? We have a group of young people just following what the next is doing. When is the next INDIVIDUAL going to step up and LEAD? I shooo miss 2pac and Biggie, cross colors.. kid n play...kwame... guess jeans and rayon shirts.. flat tops and polka dots... I miss being black... because shit... nowadays EVERYBODY is BLACK.. or wanna be... or tryna be... Our culture should NOT be defined by fried chicken, basketball and wanna be rappers starting stereo-typical fads for the masses to follow... We NEED some originality.... something that EVERYONE is not doing... I remember when break dancing used to be something that people stopped to watch and they were in awe... or when Hip Hop videos were only played on Yo! MTV Raps/ BET... I am getting depressed just watching our music/culture go to shit.... does anyone feel me???
Peace.
Currently listening :
In Effect Mode
By Al B. Sure!
Release date: By 25 October, 1990
I'm too PHAT for a swimsuit list.....
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Blogging
1.so why is it that really obese women think it's cool to wear thongs on the beach?
2. Honestly, it ain't cool for NO one to wear thongs on the beach, but something about double ass and stomachs ain't the beauty I'm seeking when I hit my fav spot.
3.I think I was the ONLY non-high person at the Reggae festival
4." I will come see you, bring you food, but stop thinking Imma act like ya man"
5.Why does HE equate EVERYTHING with us being together?
6.The very next night " You can sleep here tonite, but SHE may call, don't know how you're going to handle that"
7.*scratches head* Ok, if YOU invite your ex to your house...and you're seeing someone, common sense is to NOT invite your ex to your house..it's prolly not a good idea
8. but i love him.. and so I digress
9.found myself venturing to church more and more often.
10.not sure if it's for religion, education or some other quest I may be on
11." I feel like a crackhead waiting on the mailman for my check" me talking to ant about waiting on the mailman... he was rollin
12. demiurgic; A powerful creative force or personality.
13.all this free time is driving me crazy and I am sure there is lots I can find to do
14."I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout ya
And know it ain't right, baby
But I don't
I don't think, don't think that I
That I can let go (Don't think I can let you know)" Ne-Yo, Let go
15. i feel like a real deadbeat... lol
16.part of me wants to NOT go back... just write... or maybe work with teenaged girls
17.can u believe that guy called me a crazy b****
18.ok, so maybe I can be a little crazy and bitchy
19. Are u kidding me? The ONE time I walk away, I am called CRAZY...oh he doesn't know crazy...i asked him to keep his fucking hands off me...boys.. sigh
20. I really believe Dr.'s are the BIGGEST bullshitters in the world.. and they get paid for it!
21. Why the hell is the TV ALWAYS turned to a fucking spanish channel when I go to the dr.. in fucking Beverly Hills???
22. I told that bitch I had rolling veins.. she hit me 3 xs
23. Got- damned arm looks like I've been shooting her-ion.. LMAO
24.I really Miss Tupac.. Grid'lockd was on last night and I almost cried looking into those deep, dark eyes...
25. Imagine the music game if Pac were here? These negro's wouldn't have a chance
26. Tomorrow is my son's 1st school dance
27. Yup, Imma cry
28. I've decided to become celibate.... explore WHO I am
29. ok, who the fuck am I kidding
30. Didn't Teej have this as a new year's resolution?
31. Really, I am not considering dating as an option, maybe I am much too picky
32. SO final weight count since the gym , 33 lbs... I'm still too FAT to wear a swimsuit, but next year looks promising
33. I forgot how old I was the other day....
34. "I left with no bra or panties on,(no sex involved) his smell on me and sleep in my eyes... he left with my heart."
35. I almost got up the other morning and got dressed for work.. ahhhahaha I had to laugh at myself
36.Where is the damn heat at?
37.Who parked that ancient ass MC in front of the house? Spider webs coming from inside of the car to the outside ... missing bumbers, no seat.. WTF???
38. He said he name was "BOB"..he lives 3 houses down and he's been watching me.. thinks I am fine...wants to take me on a walk sometime..
39. Ok, BOB, that's creepy... especially the way your left eye looks to the east when u look west...
40. and I gave up the sympathy number
41. 100 calls later ... with various vm's... I had to let "Spongebob eyepatch" (as he is affectionately referred to by Aaron) know I had NO INTENTION of going on a walk with him
42.Doesn't it suck when u meet someone and they could be the ONE, but you're too emotionally fucked up?
43.Why can all these skinny bitches have 5-6 kids and still have a flat stomach and I have one kid and i'm left looking like a baby seal...
44. ok, so maybe I'm a little angry and have an alterior motive...
45. He may be RIGHT... as usual.. I fucking hate that shit,
46.I am going to test my acting skills out..
47. Yea, I am considering making a "movie" with a friend... now, of course I will NOT be involved in ANY sex scenes, nor will my clothes be off at ANY time, but I will be an EXTRA in the movie..
48. I think it will be fun...
49. I used to love him.. ya know
50.I wonder if he LOVED ME TOO... lol ;)
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Blogging
1.so why is it that really obese women think it's cool to wear thongs on the beach?
2. Honestly, it ain't cool for NO one to wear thongs on the beach, but something about double ass and stomachs ain't the beauty I'm seeking when I hit my fav spot.
3.I think I was the ONLY non-high person at the Reggae festival
4." I will come see you, bring you food, but stop thinking Imma act like ya man"
5.Why does HE equate EVERYTHING with us being together?
6.The very next night " You can sleep here tonite, but SHE may call, don't know how you're going to handle that"
7.*scratches head* Ok, if YOU invite your ex to your house...and you're seeing someone, common sense is to NOT invite your ex to your house..it's prolly not a good idea
8. but i love him.. and so I digress
9.found myself venturing to church more and more often.
10.not sure if it's for religion, education or some other quest I may be on
11." I feel like a crackhead waiting on the mailman for my check" me talking to ant about waiting on the mailman... he was rollin
12. demiurgic; A powerful creative force or personality.
13.all this free time is driving me crazy and I am sure there is lots I can find to do
14."I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout ya
And know it ain't right, baby
But I don't
I don't think, don't think that I
That I can let go (Don't think I can let you know)" Ne-Yo, Let go
15. i feel like a real deadbeat... lol
16.part of me wants to NOT go back... just write... or maybe work with teenaged girls
17.can u believe that guy called me a crazy b****
18.ok, so maybe I can be a little crazy and bitchy
19. Are u kidding me? The ONE time I walk away, I am called CRAZY...oh he doesn't know crazy...i asked him to keep his fucking hands off me...boys.. sigh
20. I really believe Dr.'s are the BIGGEST bullshitters in the world.. and they get paid for it!
21. Why the hell is the TV ALWAYS turned to a fucking spanish channel when I go to the dr.. in fucking Beverly Hills???
22. I told that bitch I had rolling veins.. she hit me 3 xs
23. Got- damned arm looks like I've been shooting her-ion.. LMAO
24.I really Miss Tupac.. Grid'lockd was on last night and I almost cried looking into those deep, dark eyes...
25. Imagine the music game if Pac were here? These negro's wouldn't have a chance
26. Tomorrow is my son's 1st school dance
27. Yup, Imma cry
28. I've decided to become celibate.... explore WHO I am
29. ok, who the fuck am I kidding
30. Didn't Teej have this as a new year's resolution?
31. Really, I am not considering dating as an option, maybe I am much too picky
32. SO final weight count since the gym , 33 lbs... I'm still too FAT to wear a swimsuit, but next year looks promising
33. I forgot how old I was the other day....
34. "I left with no bra or panties on,(no sex involved) his smell on me and sleep in my eyes... he left with my heart."
35. I almost got up the other morning and got dressed for work.. ahhhahaha I had to laugh at myself
36.Where is the damn heat at?
37.Who parked that ancient ass MC in front of the house? Spider webs coming from inside of the car to the outside ... missing bumbers, no seat.. WTF???
38. He said he name was "BOB"..he lives 3 houses down and he's been watching me.. thinks I am fine...wants to take me on a walk sometime..
39. Ok, BOB, that's creepy... especially the way your left eye looks to the east when u look west...
40. and I gave up the sympathy number
41. 100 calls later ... with various vm's... I had to let "Spongebob eyepatch" (as he is affectionately referred to by Aaron) know I had NO INTENTION of going on a walk with him
42.Doesn't it suck when u meet someone and they could be the ONE, but you're too emotionally fucked up?
43.Why can all these skinny bitches have 5-6 kids and still have a flat stomach and I have one kid and i'm left looking like a baby seal...
44. ok, so maybe I'm a little angry and have an alterior motive...
45. He may be RIGHT... as usual.. I fucking hate that shit,
46.I am going to test my acting skills out..
47. Yea, I am considering making a "movie" with a friend... now, of course I will NOT be involved in ANY sex scenes, nor will my clothes be off at ANY time, but I will be an EXTRA in the movie..
48. I think it will be fun...
49. I used to love him.. ya know
50.I wonder if he LOVED ME TOO... lol ;)
Him and I
Current mood: worried
Category: Life
Everyone who watched us together said they could see the love flowing around us. I felt the love. He kissed me... and held my hand.. he danced with me and smiled at me. He told me I looked strong. He said he was proud of me.
We looked into each other's eyes as if we were the only two people in the room. I knew right then and there he WAS the ONE for me. ....But after the festivities... and he made love to me.. .we went our seperate ways...
I left my heart behind. The next evening I had a visit from the other EX itching to get back into my life. I had to tell him we can never be... because HIM and I are OVER ... and well, Aaron is the only one for me.
Through all of our fighting and my ranting and his raving... here we are full circle once again. I know now that if I or (we) ever get another chance at this love thing... I will love him harder than he ever loved me.. I will be supportive... I will let him be the King and I his queen... I will be honest and keep our private business between us and out of the streets... there are so many things I've learned in the last year alone, but most importantly... I love him. and that's just the way it is.
Currently listening :
Attitude
By Troop
Release date: By 13 October, 1989
Category: Life
Everyone who watched us together said they could see the love flowing around us. I felt the love. He kissed me... and held my hand.. he danced with me and smiled at me. He told me I looked strong. He said he was proud of me.
We looked into each other's eyes as if we were the only two people in the room. I knew right then and there he WAS the ONE for me. ....But after the festivities... and he made love to me.. .we went our seperate ways...
I left my heart behind. The next evening I had a visit from the other EX itching to get back into my life. I had to tell him we can never be... because HIM and I are OVER ... and well, Aaron is the only one for me.
Through all of our fighting and my ranting and his raving... here we are full circle once again. I know now that if I or (we) ever get another chance at this love thing... I will love him harder than he ever loved me.. I will be supportive... I will let him be the King and I his queen... I will be honest and keep our private business between us and out of the streets... there are so many things I've learned in the last year alone, but most importantly... I love him. and that's just the way it is.
Currently listening :
Attitude
By Troop
Release date: By 13 October, 1989
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