Silent Thoughts.

A lot times my brain has it's own agenda. I tell it all the time NOT to be suspicious or insecure, but HEY! it doesn't seem to listen... (( sigh ))
I'm laying here on my bed, just finished barfing ((another sigh)) and I get a call from him. Ya'll know who him is.. lol I immediately get suspicious. Why? Who fucking knows! Lately he's been calling a lot.. saying things like Hey Princess or sending me random pics of meaningful things that he knows will make me smile. So, I should be happy & grateful & all those other mushy feelings that come over us when we're in love, but instead my mind plays detective...He told me the other night that I take the internet too seriously. Yea, well why does he have so many hoes numbers from the internet... ** Excuse me, pardon me,** Clears throat**
Sounds like a double standard or a contradiction to me. But as soon as I make comments regarding this he is quick to tell me I'm jealous or possessive! It's making him Crazy... Hell yea I'm jealous and possessive, but NOT by choice! LMAO Let's be honest here. Sure, I've ENCOUNTERED men/women on the internet that have sparked enough interest to result in the exchange of numbers.... a few I've met... most have fallen by the wayside. The point being is that I don't engage in this behavior any longer. Not because I find anything wrong with it. Simply because I'm in love and I'm serious about having something real with this man. This has been a debate in our relationship for a long time. So he needs to understand that it is difficult for me to just let it go and be done with it! He needs to understand that TRUST is earned NOT given. THAT APPLIES TO US BOTH. I don't write these blogs to call him out or put our business out in cyberspace. I write to gain a different perspective and grow within. This is in noway meant to hurt or label him or myself. WE'VE both been guilty of cheating and lying .... and afflicting pain on one another. I'm just tired of playing childish ass games! I'm changing and I feel like I'm giving forth a great effort to give him space, time and love. That is some hard shit to do!

Crash

Yesterday was my lazy day. I had a long weekend of endless partying ( I'm learning to appreciate the comforts of my home)Both Friday & Saturday I didn't come hightailing in my house until well after 4am.... Umm hmmm. Don't ask. I guess I needed to get out, especially with all the emotional roller-coasters I've been riding with Aaron. It felt good to laugh & enjoy the crazy antics of my friends. I'm really going to miss them when I leave. Which by the way will be in December. I've decided on a major...Journalism. What does everyone think? School starts in January & I'm so excited!! Baby is doing fine. I had an appt after work today. I'm not out of the woods.. The Dr. said I have to get more tests, but right now the baby is okay. All I can do is pray & let nature take it's course. I'm not going to be disappointed either way because I'm already aware of the risks. Anyhow, yesterday I finally had the pleasure to see Crash for the first time.For anyone that has NOT seen this movie, PLEASE go rent it! This movie really examines all of our prejudices and stereo-types that we harbor for one another. This is one of the most thought provoking movies I've ever seen! EVERY scene made me think back in my life to instances where I may have judged without any regard to that person's circumstance/feelings. I'm guilty..we're all guilty. At times within our own race we leave no alternative for judgement because we consistantly perpetuate & become the very stereo-types we want to deflect other's from believing. It's sad but true.

The Beautiful Ones...

I was out tonite... shopping.. hanging out and I stopped just to look around. It was quiet, clear sky, bright stars and cool breeze...if you listened closely you'd hear the faint sound of the crickets chirping. There are so many beautiful things to see and do in this world ... How often do you stop to appreciate the FREE adventures in life?? Yea, I'm on some naturistic type ish... ( is that a word ) ? Hmmm, tomorrow I may go pick some flowers... If I can find some lol. Now, I'm going to bed.

Did Ya'll Miss Me?? Awwww

Funny thing what a long drive can do for the soul. Reese Takes a deep breath
**Exhaling to release some deep thought**
I ended up driving to Cali on Friday. After everything that was said and done I still wanted to see my man! Believe me, there were some harsh words lashed out on Thursday! I put all that in the past & attempted to keep the best attitude I could gather and headed for the highway. On the way down I noticed that my throat was little scratchy... not yet sore, but on it's way there. For anyone that DOESN'T KNOW.. I'm a Taurus and our throats are the first sign of infection. The number one contributing factor for any sickness I acquire is STRESS and I'd been under a lot in the past few weeks. Anyhow the drive down was pleasant, but quiet. I arrived in Compton around 6:30PM. Not bad timing considering I'd left Vegas around 2:55pm. I rented this 2006 Grand Prix.. it was fast.. I did about 95 all the way down HWY 15 (lol) not a cop in sight!! I walked in the door and he's sitting there obviously just fresh out of traffic himself... I didn't say hello... I just nodded my head and dropped down onto his bed. 10 minutes into my relaxation he asked if I want to go to Happy Hour ( remember the sore throat...it's worse now) I agree.. freshen up and change clothes.Now... people listen closely.. I have some news I did need break before this goes any further! I found out I'm pregnant on Friday Morning. I'd been on Clomid, which is a fertility drug. Yes, I'd been trying. He knew. So, I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't say anything... I'd lost two of his babies already.. it's been almost 3 yrs now. I have some issues with my uterus ( that's a whole notha blog!!)Well, back to the story... so we go to this club where it is mainly older people.. there is a live Mexican band singing 70's disco music ( Yea, I know I thought the same damn thing... WTF?) We sit down and I'm not feeling so hot.. I order a water (ummhmm) and he gets some type of liquor... it was strong whatever it was. We start people watching & the ice slowly starts to melt between us. He asked me to dance, but I declined because I wasn't feeling so good. We shared a few laughs and headed home. I thought to myself this is going to be a great weekend if I can beat this cold coming on. Saturday morning my cold had officially taken over my body. I spent the majority of the day sleeping and trying to recoup. Aaron took really good care of me, what a sweetie ( when he wants to be). Saturday was also the introduction of the "NEWS". He didn't really have a reaction. I noticed him reaching towards my stomach in the middle of night... I just smiled. All I can hope is that this turns out ok. I'm still in jeapordy of miscarrying AGAIN. The story of my life.((SIGH)) Sunday was a slow, but wonderful day. We walked on the boardwalk.. had lunch overlooking the ocean and ate ice cream together. I had a beautiful time. So much so that I just got home today @ 7pm...part of the reason is I got Aaron sick while down there, so I felt obligated to stay an extra day and take care of him the same way he took care of me. ( And I didn't want to leave) The scene leaving was something out of a movie.. We hugged.. I cried.. We kissed and I still cried... I got in the car.. he leaned down and kissed me again.. I had Alicia Keys playing in the background.. I slowly backed out of the driveway while he stood watching... Everything was cloudy for the next hour or so due to the mass amount of tears... I swear I'm so in love.. I decided to dedicate a list to everything LOVE...

Enjoy and I missed You guys.. Next time I will take my laptop with me.. :)
There was no arguing this weekend.. no 3rd degree.. I really just enjoyed him like I've never done before.



1.I decided to number this just for Teej
2.I may have stumbled upon the meaning of LIFE
3.Yea I said the MEANING OF LIFE
4.It has to be LOVE
5.Love meaning all things
6.A sun setting & rising
7.Sitting on a dock just looking at the ocean
8.listening to the rain
9.Helping an old lady with her groceries
10.Helping a young lady with her groceries
11.Helping Human's period.
12.Holding Hands
13.listening
14.laughing
15.crying
16.Understanding that everything may not go as planned
17.learning to "wing" it when the plan gets f'd up
18.admitting your wrong
19.admitting their right
20.sharing a story
21.walking in the park
22.watching children play
23.being a friend
24.accepting defeat
25.overcoming it and succeeding
25.learning to forgive
26.forgive yourself
27.dancing in the moonlight
28.kissing in the rain
29.knowing there is a time and a place for EVERYTHING
30.thank u Aaron for that
31.making mistakes
32.making amends
33.making love for the 1st time or the 100th time
34.knowing your loved
35.watching the stars
36.being alone
37.moving on to new things
38.it's ok to move on
39.finding old friends
40. did I mention making new friends
41. Dee-Dee
42.Teej
43.Stac
44.PrincessDominique
45.more more more!
46.ICE CREAM!
47.letting go of negativity
48.love is many things
49.our very reason for most things we do
50.good & bad
51.patience is a virtue
52.silence is golden
53.it's amazing what we can learn if we just be QUIET!
54.SOMETIMES THAT'S HARD
55.at least for me
56.life is love if start with yourself

Peace.

See- Saw Confessions

Today has just been an overall suck ass day. I didn't end my nite well, so when I woke up this morning I wasn't in the best of moods.I had to sit thru a long ass boring meeting. Then I ended up getting into it with Aaron. Lately it seems like I've been jumping thru hoops to be with him and around him. The other nite I called him and his phone picked up on the first ring. SO I left a rather snotty message.. Something like this:
I called to say good-nite but your phone is off.. wonder why. bye

Needless to say he was quite offended by this, so I apologized. Frankly, I didn't even see what the big deal was, but according to him I never do. Well, today I was just irritated hearing him say how he needs space & time and he didn't ask me to move back to Cali... and don't move back for him.. I just went off the handle. I'm tired ya'll. Before I wasn't doing enough to sustain him, so he left. Now, I'm putting forth the effort plus.. and it's still not good enough,.I'm confused, angry, hurt and alone. I hate it. Maybe I need to really move far away... some place where I'm forced to live and flourish.. it ain't happening here. I sat at work today and stared at my pc all day. I was so quiet our admin came by and said, "Cherise I didn't even know you were here!". I'm usually more lively and animated. Not now. He told me to stop crying and whining and let him breathe. IF it were so easy then I would. I have no real friends or family here in Vegas. No one to confide in that cares. I let him go the best way I knew how. I try to think positive.. I try not to call.. I let him email me first.. I do everything I can to make it right and it ALWAYS TURNS OUT WRONG. Maybe I'm just a big clown like he said.

Reese

11:50 pm

Iron Chef is on and this has been the first time I've seen it in awhile. I should be asleep. Unfortunately,I've spent the last 3 hrs braiding my son's hair. He decided to tell me today that tomorrow is picture day!! Yea, I wanted to slap him,but I was too tired. I also have some other troubling things on my mind..but I'd rather NOT bring it up.. LOL I figure the more I dwell on negative thoughts, the more negative situations are prone to plague me. So, tonight... I'm going to be positive. On a lighter note, today at lunchtime I was leaving the bank and I seen this extra skinny woman with a velvet brown skirt on and a big ass Chaka Chan wig on. She was walking fast ass hell down the street.... It was kinda windy and I thought the wig was gonna blow off her head...LMAO That cracked me up.... I laughed all the way back to work. I guess I will go to bed. Umm hmmm I miss Being Bobby Brown. I wonder if they are still showing the re-runs... Hell to the naw!! lol

Milestones.

I'm at work right now and today I feel like I just wanna walk out and quit! Get my baby.. a UHaul and bounce. Why? ummm I guess it's just one of those days. I didn't get much sleep... (damned Kitten)I had to get up early today because my co-workers designated me 2 buy soda/juice for a Bday party we're having later. I left home around 7:30am... Right into RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. I was doing ok riding & listening to my Ready for the World when all of a sudden I couldn't see. I was dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. This wasn't new to me. I've been suffering from these episodes for 10 years. They are medically diagnosed as Panic Attacks or Chronic Anxiety disorder. Years ago I took medication. Unfortunately, when I moved here that became unavailable to me... so I've suffered and tried to manage them with my inner strength. Today was more severe than others. I quickly dialed Aaron's number because I desperately needed to hear his VOICE! I was in complete panic. I almost pulled over to the side of the road. I don't know what happened. I screamed as loud as I could because I hate being out of control. There is nothing worse in the ENTIRE WORLD to me than feeling out of control. I was shaking... and my heart was racing as if I'd just run a marathon. Aaron answered and instead of revealing what I was really going thru I simply said, "Good Morning" and ended the call. I was embarrassed. He always tells me it's all in my head. I know it is. It really makes me crazy because sometimes I don't enjoy simple things in life due to this disorder. I may consider going back on medication


**** Who the hell is he****

Joseph Wiley decided to grace my presence at work today. I'm standing there looking at this person of whom I gave my undivided attention & heart to once upon a time...
and I was floored that I didn't have an ounce of feeling in my body for him. I look back on the last 4yrs and I'm really surprised that I gave him my all the way I did. He was no more special than any other nigga that came in and out of my life. If he was so much of a friend he wouldn't be standing here in front of me with this smug look on his... ** thinking he is too good to engage in any meaningful convo**
Thus bringing me to slap myself **slaps self hard!! 2xs for Aaron** What a selfish person. I paid for half of his DC ticket.. which I didn't have to b/c I NEVER agreed to go in the first place. And not even so much as a hug.. Thanks Cherise.. Oh I forgot he sent me some bullshit Text message on yahoo... What a jerk. How was he EVER the center of my life.. I don't get it. So we're standing there talking and I ask him.. Why do u act as though u don't know me? HE replies, I don't.
I walked away.
Good- Bye Joseph Wiley

*Yawning*

That damned kitten kept me up ALL NITE.. crying and running around my room. She scratched me up too... I can only PRAY that my room is intact when I get home. I may have to rethink this having a baby thing.. *Lol Aaron* (never thought I would hear myself say that)But I like sleeping at nite. AND trust me... it's not a pretty sight when I'm sleep deprived.... Anyhow, I had a doctor's appt today. A lil Checky check to make sure everything is running OK down there ( lol ) My doctor is a young Asian woman. Fairly attractive and really nice. She has this thing of getting real close to you while she is talking. Now, I know she's a Dr. and probably see's enough breasts & Vagina's a day that it doesn't even faze her! But that still doesn't make the situation any more comfortable. First of all, I'm buck naked with a paper vest on that can barely cover my nipples. Next, they give u yet another paper blanket... to cover the goods... well, my ass was hanging all out of this. Then while I'm sitting there texting Aaron.. the nurse bust right in and I happen to be facing with my ass to the door and this trick leaves the door WIDE open. I almost let her have it. Then the Dr tells me my breasts are lumpy but nothing to be alarmed about? HUH? Are u kidding me? Nothing to be alarmed about? Well, I don't smoke & cancer doesn't run in my family... but still LUMPS. I plan to get this followed up. Although, she didn't seem to be worried... it's not her breasts! Everything looked ok. So far.

Sullen Sunday...

It's that time of year again.. You know the time of year when the TV becomes more important than anything else going on around u... Football Season! Yeaaaaa.. NOT! LOL
Anyhow, i'm pretty bored. I went out of the house to go pay bills.. WHoo hooo! So much fun. It's a beautiful day. In a minute I'm going to get my depressed ass in the shower and out into the sunshine... I got a kitten.. we'll see how that works out. I was talked into it by a co worker.. Not really my cup of tea, but what harm could it do. Worse comes to worse I will give it to my niece. I'm not going to speak about him. I went for a long walk last nite and I realized I'm only hurting myself and putting myself thru trauma by holding on. So, I let go. Really. Please believe me.
We'll see what happens from here on out. My tarot card reading said today was going to look much better... well, this is how today feels







***Some random funny ish I seen while out today***

I was on my way to get my kitten when I hit a red light. So, I'm sitting there listening to my Biggie...*head bobbing* wind blowing thru my hair....
the light turns green & I'm just about to step on the gas when this white dude comes strolling out in the middle of the intersection! He looked like someone just beat the shit out of him. He's carrying a big ass backpack and a shovel! Yup a shovel...
Why the hell did he have a shovel A & B what was he gonna do with it? Hit someone?
Bury their ass in the desert somewhere? Well, I just waited for him to cross because he didn't look too swell.LMAO! So, I get my kitten, who is cute as can be. I named her Simone. I'm stuck on that name right now,don't know why. Willie wanted me to name her Willie..Not! Who names their kitty Willie anyway? As I drove back home I stopped off at Walmart to get my kitty some stuff. Always something or someone funny @ Walmart. I'm walking to my car when I'm approached by a man. Ahhhh! Not just any man either. 6ft 3 I'd assume apprx 230 lbs,handsome I guess... BUT there's a catch...this guy has on all green. Not just any green. LIME green.Bright ass lime green shoes, a matching do-rag, a lime green t-shirt (with the side creases lol) And a lime green wrist band. It was everything I could do NOT to bust out laughing in baby's face. (LOL LOL all in my head). He looked like a chocolate leprechan. ** Reese Looking at the sky for the rainbow & pot of gold** Well, it got funnier ya'll as soon as Lucky Charms started to speak...Conversation went like this...

Lucky Charms : Hey Hey (stuttering) Waaassup U U stay round hur
(country accent)
Reese: Not much...yea around the corner (still pushing cart to car)
Lucky Charms: OooH Yeeaa (still stuttering) well U U gootta Man?
that that u u son?
Reese: Flashing ring on left hand I have a Fiance' ( lying..sorta )(thinking I'm so glad I still have this ring) and yea that's my son
Lucky Charms: Well well, if u u ever git rid of yo maa an can I I give u my
num number so we we can kick it?
Reese: Sure! (anything to get him outta my way)



Lucky charms hands me his number on the back of a wrinkled evenlope...Andreas it says 325-****. I shove it in my purse. It will find it's way to the trash can later. No need to break his heart now.. lol I start to walk away and he is still following me.. Trying to be a gentleman, I guess... He says "Le lemme git dos bags fur yer aiight lil momma" I'm still trying not to laugh. MarQuin is looking at him crazy and I'm just wishing for Aaron.. (( sigh )) Is this what I'm destined to?

Racism Raw & Uncut!

This Entire Hurricane Disaster is really starting to get to me. I could go on and on about the horrific treatment that are Black American Citizens are receiving down South, but we all see it everyday thanks to the lovely Media! Of Whom continue to place people in catagories and boxes based on their racial make-up. I'm so fucking proud to be an American. (NOT) You'd think that in 2005 we'd moved beyond all the madness and ignorance. Well, once again not only has our President proved that Racism is alive and well, but the media continues to relish in it's glory. Take a look at these two pictures... and the captions following, Notice how the blacks are referred to as "Refugees" ANd the whites are referred to as " Victims"....
Now what does refugee mean?

Websters Dictionary states the following:
Main Entry: ref·u·gee
Pronunciation: "re-fyu-'jE
Function: noun
: an individual seeking refuge or asylum; especially : an individual who has left his or her native country and is unwilling or unable to return to it because of persecution or fear of persecution (as because of race, religion, membership in a particular social group, or political opinion)


Now, I bring you back to the word itself REFUGEE... What part of disaster, floods... devastation equals REFUGEE? You have to be kidding right?

Victim.....n 1: an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance 2: a person who is tricked or swindled [syn: dupe]


Did any of these people flee from another country? Due to political asylum; religious persecution? We know the answer.. So why the FUCK they keep calling our people refugees? Somebody please answer this for me! Seems to me Victims are what they are




Hurricane Katrina refugees from New Orleans, La., area Al-Jona McCraney, 5, second left, her brother Alfred McCraney, 9, left, and their mother, Roxie, right, go to the doctor in Tucker, Ga., Thursday, Sept. 8, 2005 with the help of Rev. Paul Christian Stallworth, center, pastor of The Potter's House International Church of the Four Square Gospel. Mostly without outside assistance, black churches have stepped up to provide aid to many of Hurricane Katrina's victims, either because that's where the victims _ most of them black _ first sought help or because of frustrations in dealing with government agencies or other charities.(APPhoto/Ric Feld)









Barbara Lee. seated, from Kiln, Miss., waits in a long line to see representatives from FEMA to get financial assistance along with other victims of Hurricane Katrina in Waveland, Miss., on Saturday, Sept. 10, 2005. (AP Photo/M. Spencer Green)





Fuck George Bush!!! Forreal Ya'll . I donated today to the NAACP and the Firefigter Assc. They are the only one's I trust with my money. I wish I could go down there and help. But I'm not in a financial postion to do so. I hope when this is all said and done everyone is held accountable for this! EVERYONE!

The lists Keep coming...

For Aaron.. Now I pay too much attention




I'm on the verge of tears right now
who's right
who's wrong
he says he loves me
but he's not willing to give me anymore than that
should I wait
maybe I should leave
he doesn't understand
I hate being alone
no one else will suffice
I still have secrets
i'm sure he does too
some secrets should never be revealed
others hold you hostage
he said I'm holding him hostage
he wants to be free
he wants to be free of me?
I don't know how to live w/o him
is that bad?
what's wrong with me?
can't i just snap out of it?
How do u snap outta love?
I won't be with another man
I tried that twice
remember
it was a disaster
I'm a disaster.
I want to go away
I wish I could take all this back
too many tears
like hurricane cherise
except i'm the only one being victimized
I'm only hurting myself
by holding on
i should let go
i don't want him to forget me
I'm still moving to cali
too many thoughts
empty time
nothing will be the same
it thought we'd made progress
why do i feel so used?
he treated me good
i think he loves me
he doesnt like when i blog about him
i dont care
i wont cut myself
i promise
ok teej
dont worry
I still have my cds
maybe they will help
im gonna cry
at any minute
yup
tears are watering as we speak
people are looking,
I'm just lost.
I think I will close down my bp page
refocus and get my writing together
maybe that will help
fuck the therapist
she's a jerk.
so is he.
he's happy w/o me
that is depressing
I'm depressing.
Peace out

Sleeping ain't been good....

Here we ago again... Listing


First thing comes to mind is fisting
thanks teej
it's all your fault
I woke up@ 4am
there was ringing in my ear
I was trippin
got up running thru the house
there's a sty in my eye
that shit hurts
my face broke out bad
hasn't been this bad since
ahhhh
yea high school...
it's like a stressed out breakout
she still ain't gave me my money
trying to be patient
this is gonna be long ya'll
we talked for a brief moment last nite
umm then his phone remained off
how do I know?
ahh cuz I called it @ 4am
remember I couldn't sleep
my ears were ringing
LMAO
I'm sick.
In my mind that is
I think I'm a hypocrondriac
what if I got pregnant?
Going to the doctor on Monday
my cycles have been regular
that's good
I can't wait to hang out with Teej
we are gonna tear some shit up
here or there
and everywhere!!
They ain't ready
I ain't ready
I hate my job
I don't do shit all day
poetry book is coming along
any help with getting it published?
still taking suggestions
"You want some of this too old man!!"
"No!!"
Friday was the shit
"And you know this.. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"
I'm giving more money to Katrina victims
F*@$ George Bush!!
F*@$ Bill O'Reilly
F*@$ old ass Barbara Bush
Damn she was old when I was a kid
that was 20 yrs ago
I'm almost 30 ya'll
damn time flies
when you're having fun
and when u ain't
it waits for no one
the one thing man can't control
I'm trying to beat out teej
I want the longest list
ever
LOL
My job really, really sucKS!!
I'm going, going
back, back
to cali, cali
Bobby Brown has corn rolls now
Can't wait for the cd
Lil Kim is going to jail
I wonder will she get turned out
lol
did i beat him
he never calls me back
ummhmm
not the him u think
the "other" him
fisting...
lol
peace out

Now I'm a little irritated...

All day I've been emailing him... no response.. I was a little concerned, so I called at lunch.. He answered and said he took the day off. Instead of my usual routine of asking 1000 questions and making accusing statements.. I ended the convo quick!! But, I'm still thinking to myself WHY would he take the day off after I leave??? Why not have taken a day off when I was still there? You know my mind has a vivid imagination... umm hmmm and usually my first intuition is right.. Doesn't make sense to me at all.. ((SIGH)) some things will NEVER change no matter how bad I want them too. I've learned we can't make people be the way we want them to be. Honestly, really... truthfully I think Aaron loves me. BUT I don't think he wants me. I think he wants someone smaller... younger... and more controllable.. these are however.. JUST my random.. insignificant thoughts.. which mean nothing to anyone except me! I'm gonna cry now because there is nothing else I can do. I hate being here in Nevada all by myself. I hate this situation I've created and worst of all I hate all the hoodrats, hoes, hoochies... and so forth that are publicly auctioning off their pussies online to any tom, dick and harry....(that was just another random thought too and has nothing to do with this particular blog or does it?) What a fool I can be sometimes... I am my worst enemy.................((SIGH)) and today was such a good day. One day, ya'll I promise I will learn my lesson!!!

Sit back and enjoy the Ride..it's gonna be a long one...((SIGH))

Whew!!! What can I say. It's been a long interesting week. Since so much has happened I'm going to break up the events and try to summarize all these thoughts I have in my head...By the way I just stepped on a freaking screw, that shit hurt like hell!! I drowned it with peroxide.lol I just walked in the door & the first thing I did was hook my cable modem up to my new Laptop..Yea Ya'll I finally bought one legitimately I might say..Thanks to my great lil sister...and Ebay! My regular PC is on the fritz... I need to install the network drivers. Anyhow, on with the show!


*** Rediscovering Love ***


Something I wrote to him before I left today:
"Time is a theif...unaware of it's value to my soul"

Now there could be only one reason why at this point I feel the need to move back to Cali. His name would be Aaron. This has been a subject of debate in my in mind for the past few days. There are many demons to face here, but isn’t that the point in life. Overcoming your fears? The ironic part is that by Aaron moving back here, he has actually played a part in my getting better. I ran away from here because of the memories...
The death …. The helicopters… the attacks… the people. But this is my home. Everything about this place is me. The sunny skies…the chilly nights… the traffic.. the graffiti.. This culture has groomed and made the person I am today. What shouldn’t I love about LA? I was driving yesterday through Compton on my way to the Cerritos Mall…I saw things that Vegas could never offer. This is my home however dreary some of the memories may be. I understand that moving here in no way solidifies Aaron and I getting back to together, but at least I can be close to him. Lord knows I WOULD climb the highest mountain to be in his life. I truly believe he is my soulmate. You have no idea how many tears have fallen in the last few days. He’s been nothing but understanding… with the exception of one argument.
We've spent so much time together. It's really been wonderful. Ice cream on the beach.. dinner @ Disneyland.I'm begining to see how happy life can actually be if I just sit back and enjoy it! He hasn't said that we will not get back together. what he has relayed to me is that he needs time & space. I didn't realize that extent of the damage that I'd done to his heart. Time is really of the essence...once a moment passes we cannot get it back ...EVER! I'VE WASTED AND TAKEN FOR GRANTED SO MANY MEMORIES. At lunch Monday I cried. How embarrassing to be surrounded by a room full of strangers and I could not turn off the tears. I was so overwhelmed. I wanted to inhale all of him and hold him inside of me. He looked so sad as he watched me pick thru my food and attempt to control the flood that had emerged from my eyes.I can't explain it. This love that I feel for him. How absolutely alone and desolate I feel when he is gone. Last night we laid together and laughed. No sex. Just intimate touching and holding. We ate dinner together peacefully in one another's company. After dinner, I laid there watching a movie while he played his PS2..Suddenly, he got up to walk across the room and he looked down at me, he said,"I love you, Phatty" I never felt so loved in my life. He reads my blogs so I guess I should say this directly to him.... "Aaron, I love more today than I did yesterday. I smell u all over my skin and I feel in the deepest part of my being. This past month, you've helped me rediscover my love...that love that I used to hide underneath my layers of anger & pain. I know that there are many obstacles to come our way, but I think that with us as one we can accomplish anything. You're a beautiful, sensitive man. I can't reiterate it enough...but I'm truly sorry for all of your pain. The man you've grown into in the past year is amazing. My heart is in your hands. Be careful with it, as you it is fragile. If love were a material thing you'd have the world. I love you, Pooh" When I packed my car this morning I was sad. When he kissed me goodbye this morning I was devoid of any thoughts. I wanted to remain there in that safe place... next to him..warm... loved... SAFE.




***Skeletons in my closet***


While I was home I decided to try one more time to get in touch with MarQuin's father. I drove over to his aunt's house and left my number. I then journeyed on my old street and wound up over my cousin's place. I pulled in the driveway & went inside.Needless to say everyone was happy to see me! It was nice to hear them say how good I looked & how I haven't changed much since I was 18..**cheesin that's those good genes** So, I walk outside and who do I see, Ryan... My first love,The one who's name still remains a visual skeleton on my arm in plain sight for everyone to see. We hugged and talked for about an hour. He told me his mom died a few years ago... I felt bad. He said he'd been looking for me... then he went on to tell me that Quin's dad was going around saying my son looked like him. Didn't surprise, but see Ryan and I had already taken the paternity test.. plus there was no question. Len was just trying to be spiteful. Truth is him and Ryan resemble one another. I only dated Len briefly on the rebound from my relationship with Ryan... in which MarQuin was a result of.... A mistake that turned out to be the my biggest challenge in life. I don't regret my son, but I do regret the circumstances. Len and I have had our differences over the years, but about 3 yrs ago I'd had it with him. I don't even remember what the fight was about, but that was the last time Quin or I heard from him.... that is until Saturday morning... Not even 24 hrs after I dropped the number off at his aunts did I get a call from Len. I will have to say that yes I did let him have it good!!! How could he say those things? How could he deny his son?? He apologized and listed a million excuses. None of which had any bearing on my respect level for him. I let Quin speak with him and I decided to let him spend some time with his dad. Sunday I let him go with his dad. He stayed until this morning. It's amazing how someone can leave like he did and it have absolutely no bearing on the child. He's God to my son. Aaron told me it's not about me, so I stepped aside and let nature take it's course....whatever that may be. We'll see how long the promises get and if they last... only time will tell.




**The Conclusion**
The last 5 days have enabled me to do some real soul searching. I spent some time with my cousins that I hadn't seen in years. I also faced some self demons that have been plaguing me for quite some time. All in all I had a great time. Now that I'm back home I have a lot of decisions to make. Will I stay or will I go... For the time being it's back to work and Turner Classic Movie Channel... My bedtime companion...
Here's a movie quote for Teej... Hope u feel better babydoll...


Who said it?
"What the hell you doing in my house?? Eating a big ass sandwich and shit"