Will I be ok?
Interestingly enough I've had many conversations with Aaron lately. ( hope he doesn't mind my using his name) For the most part, they've been ok. No yelling or fighting about things past or unchangeable. He asked me today will I be ok if he decides to move on .... u know like a SERIOUS relationship. Emotionally, I don't know if I am ready to handle that. I've contemplated the OTHER woman several times over and it never turns out well. I end up fighting with myself and comparing some mystery woman to the real woman I am. Like I said, it NEVER turns out well. I love him. That fact remains. Doesn't matter about what's been said or done... good or bad.. for the last 5 years he's been my life. Sure, there are lots of things I would personally change. Looking back, it's probably for the best we're not together at this time. I needed to find Cherise. I needed to LOVE Cherise... Since our seperation, I believe I've accomplished that. So what now? Obviously I can't continue to live my life inside of this shell. I've semi dated a few men... all of which have turned into disasters... (with the exception of Churchie.. who is the homie of the Century.)...it appears I've managed to build this wall around my heart without even realizing construction was under way. Men don't understand who I am... many of the men I meet can barely hold a conversation with me... yet alone get the woman I am... and then I think, Well... maybe I am the problem. Am I comparing EVERY man I meet to Aaron? Could be. Or is it that I am not truly over this man? Am I holding onto any shread of memory we have in the attempt to keep him close? As previously mentioned... I love him. IF there was another way to love him and move on... I'd be on it... like white on rice...but..unfortunately, I've yet to master that technique. Aaron has successfully stood his ground by keeping his distance and for that I am appreciative. He has forced me to search deeper for meaning and validation within myself and NOT thru any other means. I am no longer dependant on another human being for my happiness... I do me!! Many times u can catch me walking alone, but in the words of B... "I'm known to walk alone for a reason".... lol :) I enjoy me in ways I'd never imagined possible.... but again. .... I MUST reiterate...that man (AJV).... has touched me DEEPER than any other PERSON on this earth ( besides my son) He doesn't have a hold on me, but he's left an impression of his soul on my heart. Who can ever lift that?
February 12, 2007
I think you're FUCKING pathetic!
Just irritated...long DRIVE
Don't you wish your girlfriend was.... Ah REAL... LMAO
So my question is..........(DRUM ROLL PLEASE) How are you seeing someone if u NEVER see they ass???... and why are u always in my inbox with various complaints and ailments.. why do u say you will never love another like you love NOT loved me...? Hmmmm I'm randomly blurting out angry rants in my sleep... FUCK U.. I hate YOU.. Oh yea I love you.. I never WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH U again... Respect my life? And I will accept your gifts while giving bullshit in return.. Stop making yourself available to me.. if you truly don't want to KNOW me any longer.. Oh yea... Remember when I used....? Oh Yes you REMEMBER.. which is how u ended up behind me,(on that warm night....3 moons ago) in the red light... moaning and pulling my hair tight... u missed me until reality hit and you realized you'd just fucked yourself and I wasn't even in the room.. How about you pretend like I'm just a figmant of your imagination, that way when I call ( in one of my drunken states) you can pass it off as simply talking your imaginary friend...
Oh.. before I forget... That spell.. The one I cast upon your heart has been lifted.. U said your last "FUCK You" yesterday or was it the day before? I forget because they just keep rolling out... U plaster her images in places you KNOW I will look.. Looks like a ... oh... stop cherise, be nice.. she's cute and she has no idea.. HAHA yea she don't know, but you do, which makes u smarter and in a better postion... think hard.. back.. real hard to your VERY FIRST kiss... yea.. there was nothing there... u were just lonely.. let him go... it's his LOSS... Right? I see his beauty and all he sees is hoes in g strings.. or images of cum on the screen.. Hey... just my observations.. my perception in the place I call my reality... truth is I didn't love em hard enough and I didn't give all I had... so now that i'm 100% ... he's still 50% looking for another place to lay his head... in someone else's heart and start the cycle of breaking hers... hopefully for her sake he'll give her what I never got......
Respect, love, trust, honor and his heart.
And I leave u with this....
"You're so arrogant, you probably think this song is about YOU" ( NOT) Janet Jackson/Carly Simon
Vegas baby....
And another one... And Another one was how the drinks flowed... Strippers and strobe lights set the tone... surrounded by my people and yet I felt ALL ALONE... made it to the club..... dancing and moving to the sounds of reggae.. candles and red lights.. whispers in my ear begging for the right to get next to me at the end of the night... Sexy this, sexy that.... another drink.. yup it's wrap... 8 hours sleep (in 48 hrs), long drive home... thinking about u , listening to Mary Moan... I wanna be with, gotta be with u.. ohhh ooooo ....
Yea it was crazy from the get go cuz neither one of us was right... we moved to fast and crashed even harder... now I feel like I'm being held under water.. drowing ....won't you let me breathe.. I'm having a good time on the surface, but my pain remains to be seen..... WHY do I bother? Why do i CARE... It's over.. move on, next nigga; i'm on my back, staring at the ceiling.. wishing u were there... My heart is becoming colder as the days turn into nights and the nights into weeks... I starting to seek out revenge in men... I can't begin to understand how I got back here again... I went to get away... have a good day.. smiling and laughing... kissing and hugging.. but I'm still buggin.. wonderin' bout you and your new "boo"... fuck this shit! Bring me another drink and maybe I can see this thru...
PEACE,,,,
VEGAS WAS WILD . cjt 2007
Don't you wish your girlfriend was.... Ah REAL... LMAO
So my question is..........(DRUM ROLL PLEASE) How are you seeing someone if u NEVER see they ass???... and why are u always in my inbox with various complaints and ailments.. why do u say you will never love another like you love NOT loved me...? Hmmmm I'm randomly blurting out angry rants in my sleep... FUCK U.. I hate YOU.. Oh yea I love you.. I never WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH U again... Respect my life? And I will accept your gifts while giving bullshit in return.. Stop making yourself available to me.. if you truly don't want to KNOW me any longer.. Oh yea... Remember when I used....? Oh Yes you REMEMBER.. which is how u ended up behind me,(on that warm night....3 moons ago) in the red light... moaning and pulling my hair tight... u missed me until reality hit and you realized you'd just fucked yourself and I wasn't even in the room.. How about you pretend like I'm just a figmant of your imagination, that way when I call ( in one of my drunken states) you can pass it off as simply talking your imaginary friend...
Oh.. before I forget... That spell.. The one I cast upon your heart has been lifted.. U said your last "FUCK You" yesterday or was it the day before? I forget because they just keep rolling out... U plaster her images in places you KNOW I will look.. Looks like a ... oh... stop cherise, be nice.. she's cute and she has no idea.. HAHA yea she don't know, but you do, which makes u smarter and in a better postion... think hard.. back.. real hard to your VERY FIRST kiss... yea.. there was nothing there... u were just lonely.. let him go... it's his LOSS... Right? I see his beauty and all he sees is hoes in g strings.. or images of cum on the screen.. Hey... just my observations.. my perception in the place I call my reality... truth is I didn't love em hard enough and I didn't give all I had... so now that i'm 100% ... he's still 50% looking for another place to lay his head... in someone else's heart and start the cycle of breaking hers... hopefully for her sake he'll give her what I never got......
Respect, love, trust, honor and his heart.
And I leave u with this....
"You're so arrogant, you probably think this song is about YOU" ( NOT) Janet Jackson/Carly Simon
Vegas baby....
And another one... And Another one was how the drinks flowed... Strippers and strobe lights set the tone... surrounded by my people and yet I felt ALL ALONE... made it to the club..... dancing and moving to the sounds of reggae.. candles and red lights.. whispers in my ear begging for the right to get next to me at the end of the night... Sexy this, sexy that.... another drink.. yup it's wrap... 8 hours sleep (in 48 hrs), long drive home... thinking about u , listening to Mary Moan... I wanna be with, gotta be with u.. ohhh ooooo ....
Yea it was crazy from the get go cuz neither one of us was right... we moved to fast and crashed even harder... now I feel like I'm being held under water.. drowing ....won't you let me breathe.. I'm having a good time on the surface, but my pain remains to be seen..... WHY do I bother? Why do i CARE... It's over.. move on, next nigga; i'm on my back, staring at the ceiling.. wishing u were there... My heart is becoming colder as the days turn into nights and the nights into weeks... I starting to seek out revenge in men... I can't begin to understand how I got back here again... I went to get away... have a good day.. smiling and laughing... kissing and hugging.. but I'm still buggin.. wonderin' bout you and your new "boo"... fuck this shit! Bring me another drink and maybe I can see this thru...
PEACE,,,,
VEGAS WAS WILD . cjt 2007
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