Evolving Realm... change is the only constant!

Tis the season...

2009-11-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

Is it me or did the holiday season come barging in like a deranged home invader? I could've sworn it was just July and I was at the BET awards partying it up! Sigh, needless to say I am not particularly happy nor looking forward to said Holiday season. While everyone gets ready to celebrate a day of giving thanks, I (or we, my sister's and I) will be marking the one year anniversary of our Mothers Death. Sucks ass, I know. She died on THANKSGIVING day, so what the hell do I have to give thanks for? While I could move forward with my bah humbug spirit I have to remember this is NOT what our mother would've wanted, in fact, she was the epitome of the spirit. She always decorated her house and cooked for us every year. Now we are faced with the task of WHO will take over her role. By my being the oldest, it would be natural for me to assume the role, however I am NOT always a people type of person. I relish in my privacy and I'm not always open to letting everyone into that sanctuary. Needless to say, I MUST try to move forward positively for my family. I am focused on making the BEST out of a sad time of year for us... and I hold steady that my mother is near watching and guiding us!

New Beginings

2009-09-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Hello fellow bloggers, have you missed me? I didn't actually stop blogging, I was temporarily distracted by Myspace. I was thinking of transferring my blogs over, but I think I will just start over! So what's new? Well, the last year of my life has proved challenging. I lost my mother last Thanksgiving and my grief continues to be a daily challenge. I had another baby (a boy) after 13 years (whew I don't recommend that to anyone)... and yes that proves to be another challenge! I plan on exposing a lot of positive moves I'm making currently, so stay tuned. I just wanted to get a quick hello out there and let everyone know I'm back where I began! I'm so excited to get back blogging regularly.

Simple Minded, simply put; Women vs Girls

2007-11-13T19:11:00.001-08:00

Current mood: indifferent
Category: Life

In my lifetime I've seen many places, met many people.. good, bad and indifferent it's affected the person I am today. I'm fortunate in a way that I am capable of recognizing my mistakes and turning them into positive outcomes. It's why I am who I am today. Something that truly bothers me to this day is the way black women fight against one another. Now, please understand this is in no way a blog attacking men, but let's face it, men aren't the MOST honest creatures God created. How many of us have fallen in love with Mr. Right now... Ya'll know who I'm talking about.. Charming, Handsome, seemingly successful, great in bed, smooth talker? Yea, him! He's probably your man right now. In the begining, everything is great. You feel almost euphoric at his slightest touch... then one night while laying in bed next to him, his phone rings. You glance down and see a text message that reads: Hey baby, last night was amazing. I miss you daddy, when are you cumming home? Love, Keisha... Your heart is crushed. What should you do? Confront him? Ignore it? Then you remember you worked late the night before and he didn't answer when you called. The emotions rush from hurt to rage in a matter of minutes and right there at 2 am you're in your first fight with Mr. Right now. *Sigh* But he was different...

I know this story all too well because I lived it for 5 years. I loved a man who was incapable of loving me. He made me feel as if everything were my fault. Woman after woman, he cheated, using the internet as his vessel to lure in unsuspecting EASY women... even I, myself, met him on a popular web-site. I was reluctant to meet him and didn't for almost 3 months. I'd never dated anyone from the internet before, but HE was beautiful and SMART. A year into our relationship I found the emails and the im's.. the porn, the text messages. I was devastated... forced into a dark realm of second guessing the woman I was.. my self esteem diminished and I felt I needed him... I began concocting my own stories to keep him near. I couldn't lose him to one of these internet floosies... what was wrong with me? Our fights became more and more violent. He'd become physical, almost killing me once. I still held on... when I look back now, I see a lost, unhappy woman... I moved back to California.. still holding on. I took fertility meds to have his babies only to lose them due to more infidelities. I was going insane. On the verge of a nervous breakdown, I finally left. What had I done so wrong. I was the bad guy.. to his family and stupid in the eyes of my own.

A month away from HIM I became lonely. I found myself wanting him back. We tried for awhile, but the same issues would always occur. I was still victimizing myself. When I began dating again I almost felt guilty. Every now and then we'd come together for sex.. that was it. Then something happened to me... I'd started to become empowered by this great strength.. I'd joined the gym and lost some weight. I felt good and looked better than ever! People noticed.. I was happy. ... I still needed closure. I sought it and was rejected. I felt empty. I FEEL empty.

I'd found out he was seeing one his chicks he'd cheated with in the past. It hurt and I lashed out! I was wrong, I know now, but it was purely emotion based. It wasn't about her, but now it's become about her. She believes what he tells her not knowing or fully understanding the depth of his character. Understanding that this is NOT my place to make a believer out of her... I still feel the need to defend my own character. I can't understand WHY women feel the need to fight against one another? What makes her so much different from me? Nothing. A man that is abusive will ALWAYS be abusive.. a cheater is ALWAYS a cheater and a LIAR is always a liar. Attacking my character or making comments that are unsubstantiated makes you look more childish than I ever could. Why would he reveal the truth to you? I honestly feel one day as black women we NEED to come together and support each other. We have daughters to raise ... the lack of self respect, self esteem has lowered our value greatly in this society. I know there are good black men out there. I know SEVERAL ( and I love ya'll) but when we come across the few that don't respect us as women and play vicious games with our hearts.. let's not fight each other.. How Simple minded is that? Are we women or girls?

Simply put.. Reese

Six degrees of separation refers to the idea that, if a person is one "step" away from each person he or she knows and two "steps" away from each person who is known by one of the people he or she knows, then everyone is no more than six "steps" away from each person on Earth. Several studies, such as Milgram's small world experiment, have been conducted to empirically measure this connectedness. While the exact number of links between people differs depending on the population measured, it is generally found to be relatively small. Hence, six degrees of separation is somewhat synonymous with the idea of the "small world" phenomenon. Detractors argue that Milgram's experiment did not demonstrate such a link,[1] and the "six degrees" claim has been decried as an "academic urban myth".[2]

2007-11-13T19:10:00.003-08:00

The 21 Things that irritated, intrigued or pissed me off this week list!
1. So he tells me that I am harrassing him.. right? Wrong!

2.Since when did hello become harrassment?

3.I guess when my nipples get hard enough to see thru a thick ass sweater that's an indication that it's cold...

4.If he's number one in your life, I'd hate to see EXACTLY what number you are in his... (negative) - he don't give a fuck! (ok that's not nice cherise, but the truth hurts)

5.I've come to terms that I am just plain weird and strange.. I view the world from my own sick, little abstract mind.

6."the arguements are getting loud, I wanna stay, but I can't help from walking out just a little way.. just take my hand and understand, if you can see.. I NEVER planned to be ya man, it just wasn't me"... Do for love 2Pac

7.and that song really about sums it up

8.he said he was "sorry".. he didn't mean it...

9.but in my heart, I wanted to smother him lifeless

10.I've learned there is NO justice in JUSTICE system

11.The D.A. Says the case is 8 yrs old and he doesn't care about my impending pregnancy or risk of miscarriage... let's move on as his witness's memories are becoming weaker... (who prosecutes an 8 yr old petty theft case with barely no evidence?)

12. I'm thinking.. Uhh Duh u stupid mothafucca.. U ain't got shit.. but, the judge sides with me and my growing belly... ahhh the sweet smell of injustice. Fuckers!

13. With all these cold case murder shows you'd think they have better things to do with our tax money... *sigh*

14.Why the fuck is Christina Aguiliara's pregnancy top news on Yahoo? Who gives a flying fuck!

15. Ok so Mike Vick failed the weed test.. well, shit.. wtf they think his ass is doing on house arrest? Playing PS2 as himself?

16. Check out this website black people.. informative, scary and funny all at once http://blacknewsweekly.com/

17. This crusty ass, poltergiest looking mofo right here said this:

Dr. James Watson, to the right is a very smart man, but was "inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa" because as he says "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours, whereas all the testing (Standardized) says not really."

18. Denzel killed them this weekend at the box office, unfortunately(BIG SMILE) I was at the Tyrese, Ginuwine, Tank, 112 and Avant concert.. for ANYONE that missed it.. YOU missed it.. cuz they put it down ..... although I am a little bias when it comes to Tyrese.. Something about his beautiful dark skin and perfect white teeth.. oh and the body ain't bad either..that drives me crazy..... And P.S. Al B Was looking REAL GOOD.. Foe a light skin brotha (hahaha) They making a come back!

19. Wtf is wrong with all of these damned rappers? Foxy Brown getting more time while she's in jail.. WTF? She ain't riding on the prison bus to go to court???.. Girl please... still fighting in Rikers Island.. You see, Lil Kim was smart.. she went in and made some friends.. Now, T.I. ( I have no words for him) And recently Da Brat was arrested for getting into a fight with a waitress... *sigh*

20. "Man stop cussing, my moms is right there!" (MarQuin's desperate attempt to save his foul mouthed friend!

21. I felt my baby move for the first time last week... How amazing...

And I am out for now..........

2007-11-13T19:10:00.001-08:00

EXcerpts from Love

2007-11-13T19:09:00.003-08:00

Current mood: busy
Category: Writing and Poetry

Hey A.... it's C

and

Before

I get too deep into this metaphor,

close the door ..relax and sit back

while I take you on a brief journey...

reminiscing bout u and me....

See,

I was up early with thoughts of our

Saturday morning showers n the dark...

which led to walks in the park...

followed by hand holdin'...

mind blowin'...

sexually explicit fantasies

acted out

continously

over and over...

UNTIL

Well,

we'd fight.

Love's spell lifted...

and as everyone predicted,

we'd travelled down that path ...

which led to our own wrath,

unbeknownst to our previous love makin'...

confused and dazed...

yellin' for days.

I'm amazed...

Now,

looking back in retrospect,

I'm finally able to dissect

the epitome

of our

STUPIDITY...

I've realized we were soulmates,

unaware of how to

contemplate

just why we were so great

as one.

Instead, we plotted our own

demise crushing our imperfect,

yet, meant to be,

Union.

I don't know what this is.. it came to me while I was sleeping on two different days. Thank god for Treo's (hey they're worth something) I was able to jot down my thoughts as I laid in the dark. This is how most of my poetry comes now.. in my deepest sleep.. or when I am in between sleep and waking. Maybe that means my baby will be as creative as I can be.. or am? I have a lot of emotions going on right now. Hope anyone who reads this enjoys it.

Thanks, Reese

(Peace)

Dedicated to: the one that lived in heaven and hell... with me.

A liar’s symphony

2007-11-13T19:09:00.001-08:00

Current mood: confused
Category: Writing and Poetry

Yesterday I lost my ENTIRE blog.. I was pretty perturbed.. so I started writing this and it's not finished.. The inspiration behind it.. well, too painful to bear.

In comparison to the truth you are

the darkest shadow hidden beneath a lonely alley..

even as light sheds upon u..

your darkness continues to spread

capturing unsuspecting souls

now trapped in your web of deceipt.... to be continued.

Time alone

2007-11-13T19:08:00.003-08:00

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've been stuck in this house on bed rest. I never knew that being in the bed could make you feel even MORE tired. UGH! I think my emotions are on a definite rollercoaster right now. One minute I am good, the next minute I am upset. I am constantly worried that I will miscarry any moment... but I have to give my undivided faith to GOD.. because ultimately the decision is left up to him/her.. (smile) So far, so good.. baby is holding on strong.. they have changed my due date to May 13... wow.. if this is my girl and I so desperately BELIEVE it is... it will be like me being born all over again. I will get to do with her what no one did with me.. I will teach her how to love and respect herself.. how to be strong.. I will tell her EVERYDAY that she is beautiful and worthy... I will love her... she will be my hope for life renewed. I am so excited and terrified at the same time... All I can do is pray. I seen the heartbeat last Thursday and the baby inside of the gestational sac... I was AMAZED and I just cried. I am learning first hand how precious and intricate LIFE is from begining to end. I guess as a young girl being pregnant was really nothing important to me... I didn't get a chance to experience every single detail and joy of being pregnant.. My life was upside down then.. but NOW, with all this time alone ... I marvel at this miracle inside of my body... I remember when I had MarQuin.. I was more afraid than excited. He was mine and I had to make sure he was OK... I used to hold him and kiss him.. tell him I loved him more than the whole wide world (something he would soon repeat to me as he grew older), but I never really enjoyed his early childhood... we were, in a sense growing up together... I love him more than anything, but I sure hope this time around I can do just a little better job....

peace

The joy of my soul...My pregnancy

2007-11-13T19:08:00.001-08:00

Current mood: lonely
Category: Life

This pregnancy is starting off rather rough. I have been in the ER 4 times in the last week due to light spotting and some cramping (which has subsided). I have to be monitored closely as I have a condition called a subchorionic bleed. This means there is a small hematoma in between the fetus and the gestational sac. It is the cause of my spotting. The concern at this point is the hematoma bursting. It can harm the fetus and cause miscarriage.

On Saturday I got the first glimpse of the miracle growing inside of my body. I also seen the heartbeat. So far, Marcel and I aren't really on good terms for reasons beyond this pregnancy. With his job, it makes it difficult for him to be there for me. My only gripe is when he is here.. be here!

Other than that... I am hopeful... Aaron and I tried for many years to have a baby and were unsuccessful. Seems as though this baby is holding for dear life... I am resting and drinking a lot of water... I miss the gym though... I hope everyone will keep me and the baby in their prayers... PLEASE! I am 6 weeks today... and as for big brother to be... I think he is a little concerned.. when I told him I was pregnant he replied, "You're having another kid, that's gonna take away from my money... " ( Yea, that's my son)! I've decided if this pregnancy doesn't thrive I'm NOT gonna try (not like I tried this time... total shock!) anymore. I have my Quin and he is the love of my life... but this baby sure is becoming the joy of my soul.... I will keep everyone updated on my status.. Thanks for all the congrats...

Love, Reese....

P.S. if I get passed this rough spot... I am HOPING for a girl.. Name has already been chosen... Mariah Jolie Fredrick... I have no boy names so far... Marcel and I just can't seem to agree on them! LOL

Main Chick Blues.. a poem for you

2007-11-13T19:07:00.004-08:00

Current mood: amused
Category: Writing and Poetry

Main Chick Blues...

Written by Cherise J. Thomas

I used to be envious of you and them too.. with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... I contemplated flat stomachs and surguries to get a look that he would be pleased with as so he would not need you or them ..again with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees...
Nothing changed.

I ran for days until my weight was down as it was in my younger stage...Nothing changed. SO I ran away. I hoped he'd see ME, Cherise the way he did you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... Nothing changed.

Time moved on and he'd call from time to time.. we'd get together and make love acting as if I were his and he were mine.. then he'd walk away and I'd feel the same.. the same as I did when we were one or I was pregnant with his kids. Nothing changed. Until one day I realized I'd become just like you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... I was his skeeze whenever he needed a piece of quick ass without any questions asked. Nothing Changed.

Now I understand how lonely that life can be.. and I should ONLY want to be Cherise, never envious of you and them with your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees... see, I am a natural beauty with a real smile and style... full of life and love deserving much more than some superficial, empty man's promise of love. I have much more to give than what's between my thighs and I've learned to never ever again put my heart and soul into a guy.. who couldn't care less or see what a real woman is about...Cuz he's too busy trying to solidify clout with you and them and your plastic smiles, ass for miles... paving the way for long weaves down to your knees...Everything's changed.

( Just a little something I was playing with in my head..so I brought it to life)

P.S. It ain't where he's at, it's where he wants to be.. ( Keyshia Cole)

Me and my bright ideas

2007-11-13T19:06:00.003-08:00

Current mood: dorky
Category: Life

I'm at home getting ready for the gym when I get this great idea! Why spend my time cooped up in the gym on such a beautiful day..right? I ask my son if he wants to go skating with me. He agrees and we suit up. First mistake, I left my water. You don't realize how truly HOT it is outside until you get out there and it seems the sun has an obssession with the top of my forehead. By the time I get to the corner, I am fully sweating (note: the corner is about uhhhh 100 steps away). I breathe a sigh of relief when I seen the hamburger stand at the corner and I immediately direct MarQuin to go get me some water. After gulping down the water in one big ass swallow we journey on. Now mind you, I have not officially skated "outside" in years. There's a big difference from skating in a rink, which is a controlled environment, to a sidewalk, where u NEVER know what u will encounter. We get half way up the road, or I do at least, MarQuin been left me at this point .. I decide to cross the street. I position myself into the cross walk at an angle that the cars can see me... I step out and WHAT! This mothafucca in a city truck almost hits me.. I'm pissed, cursing and yelling while trying to hold my balance.. this fool gets out of the car... ok, now what.. I'm yelling .. and he says " Get out of the street!" I yell back, " It's a cross walk mothafucca! I'm supposed to be in the street!". Another motorist agrees and gets out of his car to yell too. He tells the man I'm gonna report you! LOL Me and Quin skate on. Now, it feels like I finally got the hang of it right! I'm gliding along feeling the ocean breeze... we skate farther and farther until we hit some rough ass driveways... I go careening down the sidewalk full speed and hit the bump hard.. I wobble all the way across the street, up the next driveway and run right into the light pole. My son just looks on in amazement. This couldn't have been so hard back in the day. I remember climbing and jumbing.. sliding and one leg rolling.. what the hell happened to me.. Well, I will tell you what happened... My ass got old. I'm 31 and uncoordinated. I didn't have breasts back then and I sure didn't have all these hips.. it was easier to slide and glide... I was so embarrassed. My son said, " Momma, your face is red... hahaha".... yea well, it's that damned bright ass spot light from the sun.. I skate on the best I could.. avoiding potholes and trees.. I finally get back on my street and I'm relieved.. I think to myself... " The gym is the safest place for me to be....."

10 WEIRD things about me ( as if there's only 10)

2007-11-13T19:06:00.001-08:00

Current mood: awake
Category: Blogging

"The rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with ten(10) of your weird attributes or habits. After wh."ich, you need to choose ten(10) people you wish to tag and leave a comment for each of them that reads, 'You Are Tagged', and instruct them to read your blog to learn the rules

Gotdamn Teej started this shhh and Now Dave tagged me.. So here it goes..

Wonder woman...
1. Ok, so when I was like 8 or 9 I had some Wonder woman underoo's, (that I wore EVERYWHERE)wrist bands, headband and light switch cover... it's safe to say, I loved me some Wonder Woman... SOOO, everyday around 1 p.m. I used to have this personal arguement with myself about whether I should watch Wonder Woman or go play. This became sort of a daily battle with myself for about 2 summers... needless to say, Wonder Woman usually won!

Tweezers
2. Aaron will get a kick out of this one... Ok, so whereever I go.. whether it be to the store, driving, on a trip or to the gym.. I MUST have my BOTH sets of my tweezers. WHY? Because I am ALWAYS plucking some kind of hair off of my chin, my eyebrows or anywhere that I feel there is an unwanted hair. IF I forget my tweezers I either A. Must go home and get them or B. Find the nearest beauty supply store and get replacements ASAP! If I don't, I could freak out and tear into my face with my nails.. ( i can't believe I just revealed this) LMAO For some reason tweezing keeps me calm.. go figure

Mirrors
3. I avoid being in front of the mirror naked at all costs! Yes, many of u may find me attractive... and yes I work out a lot and YES I've lost several pounds, but for the life of me I can't stand to see myself naked in a mirror.. and those department store mirrors count too.

Peeing.... dreams and almost accidents
4. Since everyone else went there.. I will too.. I have had SEVERAL pee dreams, but mine extend beyond peeing. Let's just say my stomach ain't so great and if I gotta go, I gotta go. Case in point, I was on the road with Marcel a few weeks ago.. and we were in the middle of Louisiana.. nothing but trees for days.. I'd eaten some type of something I wasn't supposed to... and my stomach was rumbling. I was like ahhh ohhh.. the roads down south are bit rough, hell, they are A LOT rough.. and all the bumping and thumping stirred up trouble in my belly.. hahaha I politely turn to my baby, with a sour look on my face and say, " I really gotta go to the bathroom".. Well, the next bathroom ain't for like 25 miles.. that's not the business. Well, I had to get out on the side of the road... How embarrassing, right? Well, it gets even better. How about a storm broke in the middle of me doing my business... and I was DRENCHED! Soaked... All wet and in tears... I opened the door to the truck and he just looked at me and laughed. UGH!

Falling
5. When I was 17, I was in camp. I was taking a shower in one of those public locker rooms with the 5 heads on one stand. Back then my body was pretty flawless, so I just tied the lil towel around my waist and trotted out with my chi's chi's showing and my shower shoes on. Well, the floor was concrete and wet.. and guess who did the slip and slide in front of 100 other girls and staff.. YUP me.. like a yellow, naked fish... LMAO

Possible OCD
6. So, I may have a slight case of OCD (as featured on Tyra the other day). Everything has to have a place.. and I mean it! Someone once came to my house and moved my center piece on my coffee table (purposely) ! I sat all of 10 minutes and I HAD to move it back... (although u may not be able to tell by the looks of my bedroom) AND I absolutely deplore dirty carpet. Can't stand it.. it will drive me nuts!! I will move out of a place if the carpet gets dirty and I can't get it clean.

No you can't touch it!
7. Ok, So I've been working out about a year consistantly now.. but I still have several issues with my stomach. I hide it! Really I do and if you're ever lucky enough to become intimate with me.. You WILL NEVER SEE IT.. not until I am done with it's reconstruction.. haha.. Aaron used to get so mad at me about that.. and so does my currently main squeeze. ;)

Like a boy
8. I am a big time tomboy... I depise dresses and u will rarely see me sporting any kind of skirt, skort that's NOT longer than my knees. I've always had this phobia about possibly getting into a fight or accident and my underwear is exposed. It's not like they're not clean, but what if it's that time of the month or anything. I'd be devastated.. ( and I'm sure there are worse things that can happen) But my closest friends have always heard me say that I feel like I'm cross dressing when I have on a dress.. LOL Imma jeans and tight tshirt girl ;)

Sleep talking?
9. I've been told that I talk in my sleep. This hasn't been confirmed, but I will take his word for it! I mean, not just one word here or there, but actual conversations. I've even been known to tell on myself occassionally. So if I have any secrets... put me to bed and they may be revealed... ;)

Dancing with the stars...
10.When I was a child and far into my adolesence I danced.. everything was dancing at one point... When I was 8, I entered a Michael Jackson dance contest and broke 2nd place with my rendition of Billie Jean. Even though my dreams of becoming the next big Paula Abdul were crushed long ago... I still choerograph entire routines in my bedroom off of my fav songs.. Yea, I do.. and we can have a dance off any day sucka's... I still got it. LOL

Yea, I just revealed some shit only a few select people know... and there is probably more weird shit about me.. but then we'd have to create a blog for ex's or family members to reveal what they feel is weird about us.. Although, I still don't think I am as weird as Teej ( i love u baby)... Now, I'm doing the tagging bitches! LMAO

1.Juswill

2.CJ wright

3.Church

4.Cloda (of course ;) )

5.SHAY

6. ALL Of my sisters

7.Aaron

8. Mark

9.mikey

10. Drum roll Please..... My cousin Jon Jon ( that shit should be funny) LOL

So many questions..... no answers.

2007-11-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

Current mood: rejected
Category: Life

What happens when new love becomes old love? When smiles become frowns and laughter becomes painful? I'm just wondering out loud. Sometimes I still get jealous when I think of "him" with other women... does that mean I am still in love or attached to "him"? Nope. I don't believe so. I wrote this poem in my now, broken treo... I lost it.. Oh well! I've been losing a lot for the last 2 years. I went to the gym last night and spend 22 minutes on the cardio machine.. then I walked away.. I was tired... exhausted.. burned out... this morning my body feels like it's been in a car accident. I have to regroup. Am I the only one in this world who feels so unaccomplished and lost? I've gone back in forth in between two states searching for somewhere to belong to. Anywhere.. a job, a career.. a person, a friend.. but it NEVER happens. NEVER. I write until I cannot think of anything else to say. Still, no one understands me. If I give myself to someone and I exhale all of my pain......... confiding, trusting.. wanting to be truthful... and they turn around and spit it right back in your face... then, what else is there? Who can I trust? I don't write these blogs because I want people to feel sorry for me or I'm attempting to cast a dark light on whomever happens to be in my life. I write simply because it's the only thing I can trust. For anyone out there that has children... especially little girls, understand this: Everything that touches them physically or emotionally will ALWAYS affect them.. forever. I can never seem to get past my most basic need ... LOVE. But yet I've misconstrued love for so many years that at this point in my life I have no clue what it is. I told Marcel the other day, " If I give up on me and you give up on me, who's gonna be there for me?" ... I meant that.

While I sit fighting right now.. for who I am and where I wanna go in life.. I'm fighting alone... when I sit in court and listen to a judge talk about me as I am not there.. I sit alone... when I look at my son, and listen as he rambles off a thousand things he needs and wants.. and I KNOW I can't possibly get them.. I sit alone.. My point is ... I didn't bring myself into the world alone... I had two parents.. but neither seemed prepared or stable enough to provide me with any self assurance or self respect to nurture my growth into adulthood, therefore I relied solely on other people to fill the void... I wasn't involved alone in any alleged thefts .... but, I'm falling alone.. and I damn sure didn't get myself pregnant alone... and again.. I am just rambling shit off... because my brain is on overload right about now!

Nevertheless, I perservere... because it's who I am. I will be returning to work soon.. and shortly after my financial status will change. I haven't decided if I'm going back to school or not. I want to, but it's in the air for now. I'd like to get this book published. I'm done and it's just sitting here at my desk.. quietly waiting for me to get off my ass and send it to the government for my copy rights. I notice as I get older... I become more humble. go figure. Last night I was laying in my bed and I thought... I wonder how many people are thinking of me at this moment? Probably none, but then I get a text in the middle of the night from someone asking if I am ok... and be mindful that this "someone" is a person I was sure hated my guts.. Then Marcel calls at midnight... sooo.. Maybe I'm loved after all... (smile)

One more thing, I am tired of doing everything for everybody.. whether it be cleaning up at my house and I am NEVER there.. or listening... or giving money... rides.. places to stay.. cars... furniture..or just ME. All the shit I've done for everyone in the last 7 years has gotten me nowhere.. I still feel alone.. and I still feel like shit.. and in the meantime, I lose real friends...myself, my money or my time... I get involved in petty disputes with friends I love dearly.. all for what? So I won't be alone. That's how I lost the love of my life....

(sorry aaron)

Peace. Reese

I’m soooo E mo SHUN nal

2007-08-14T10:13:00.002-07:00

My heart....
Lately I've been contemplating writing a list ... especially since I've been on the road for the last month and seen so many things. For some reason, I couldn't fathom how to put it all together. Let's see, things have progressed so fast for me lately. I've been across the country 3 times in the last 6 weeks. I've met a man who's turned my world upside down. Good, bad or indifferent he did and I don't know what to do about it. I've come to realize that I attach myself to the idea of LOVE instead of actually allowing LOVE to manifest and grow. Maybe I am LOVE. At this point, I am unsure if I can continue on with him. When you travel at 80 mph you tend to miss a lot of important details passing by.... for instance, trust, honesty and respect. You may be fooled into believing these things existed, but in all actuality they never did. Let me leave it at that. It's not my intention to ponder any further about if I made a HUGE mistake in letting this person into my realm, which is forever evolving.. (smile) because in my heart, I still feel it was the right thing to do. For whatever it's worth he showed me a new side to myself and he made me better. He made me STOP and carefully analyze my personality in a way I'd never done before. I loved watching him watch me. We were talking the other day ( we do a lot of that lately) and he said to me, " I think you're too advanced for me, like the way you put things together, you're gifted. I haven't read ALL of your blogs, but you don't have to, to know you have a gift. I could NEVER listen to a song the way you do. And of course your beautiful too, but I am not caught up on your looks. With you being mixed and all"..... I laid there for a long time, suffocating in my tears after he said this to me... I want this to work soo bad... but with LOVE, you just NEVER know, right? It's hard to downshift from fast to slow when you've been speeding the ENTIRE time.

On the road...
Ok, black people. If I see one more cadillac, buick, cavalier or old ass MC, with missing doors, a rusted hood, painted wording that says things like, "Kiki love Dayshawn" Or "This is why I'm Hot" with some 20", 22" or 24" rims, ya'll are going to JAIL! How the hell does everyone in the middle of tim buck two have rims on their car? We are rolling in the depths of Mississippi Burning... rednecks, chickens, cows, forests for days... and what do I see... spinners, rims, low riders, jheri curls, corn rolls, colored weaves and I've had enough! lmao On some real talk, we NEED to get it together black people. ALL OF US!

The best part about being on the road is the tranquality. We'd ride for hours and I'd stare out of the window, just watching and thinking..... dreaming. I love the animals. Especially the cows! They are sooo majestic to me. Yea, I said Majestic. Have you ever watched a cow? Well, until you do.. shut it up! Haha! From time to time he'd ask me what I was thinking about.... it varied, but usually my life... my dreams and where I want to go with all of this writing I do. We'd pull over in the middle of a storm and just lay there... listening or watching the lightening. We got caught in a bad storm in Mississippi and when I say I almost drowned walking.. dammit, I did! But once you get yourself of the element... you can actually sit back and enjoy nature in it's purest form. One night we pulled over somewhere near New Mexico and Texas... we opened the back windows and went to sleep. I swear the cool, crisp air put me right to sleep and it was the best damned sleep of my life... ya'll KNOW how much I LOVE to sleep... lol Anyhow, overall being on the road is very interesting and exciting. You meet a lot of people from different walks of life and the Walmarts down south have much better merchandise.. go figure.

Crazy ass people
Why the hell did a man chase a 6 year old boy with a meat clever and stab him to death. Not soon after stabbing the mother as well. Now, the report said there were SEVERAL witness'. Ok, I don't know about you, but if I see a clown chasing a baby with a meat clever, I am NOT going to just sit back and watch. I will run his ass over... get a bat, a gun, something... but there's no way I'd just sit back and let it happen. Needless to say, the baby died and the mother is in critical condition. The world is really on it's last leg......

Peace.

My Thoughts

2007-08-14T10:13:00.001-07:00

Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships

Is it me or my past that's pushing you away?

I'm full of pain, I know this, but I am trying to learn trust beyond my pain. I let him in, farther than I'd expected. He touched me with his heart...he says he needs me... he wants me to be a part of him. He's made mistakes... he asked for forgiveness and I nodded in agreement, but kept the resentment close at hand. I want him near when we're apart. His words seem so foreign to me as if every line is a cold, calculated lie... formulated just to get away from me. What am I doing? Is it my intuition telling me to back off or is it my spoiled, uncontrollable ways that is pushing him away. I love him. I said it out loud and it frightened me... who am I to be loved? I thought... but I am worthy of real love, right? Too much pain.... too many memories... too many dreams of what coulda been, but never transpired... but he loves me, right? I can't tell...

Fuck Nancy Grace....

2007-08-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

Current mood: annoyed
Category: News and Politics

..

I'm sure everyone is now well abreast with the Michael Vick indictment. I happen to be ONE of Mike Vicks biggest fans. I've followed the story from day one when they began the investigation. I also know that one can be indicted for anything... that doesn't necessarily mean ONE is GUILTY. I'm in the gym the other night and I glance up at one the various t.v's and who do I see? Fucking Nancy Grace. Now this bitch got on my nerves during the whole Kobe rape ordeal, but what really irks my nerves the most is how she goes about convicting someone without any evidence. It's amazing how there are lobbyist and politicians placing bill after bill in efforts of getting laws passed to censor hip hop artists, but this woman can say and do anything on PUBLIC television. Everything she says is pure speculation. Personally, I don't know if Vick did this or not. No, I don't condone animal abuse in any way shape or form, but I respect the fact that he is due a fare trial..period! Until the courts find and convict him of a crime.. I am going to support this brotha. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common to be guilty until proven innocent. Honestly, what can we expect. This is America.. right? A country built on the blood and sweat of minorities. How can we trust people that stole everything they have? Yea, well, Like I said, FUCK NANCY GRACE and BILL O'REILLY TOO!

He's my smile

2007-08-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Current mood: thankful
Category: Romance and Relationships

It happened so suddenly...
I wasn't looking or even thinking about being in love or in like or shit... in anything! I was content on having my daily battles with Aaron about whether or not we should be together or who did what to who. I was trapped in negativity, mascarading in a facade of happiness. As Teej would say, I was in the pits... I heard the echo's of several friend's voices in their futile attempts to rescue me... they ALL failed... miserably. Until HE whispered my name and the wind carried his voice all the way to my heart. He said he wanted to rescue me... I ignored the first attempt and the 2nd as well.. but on the 3rd try, he pulled me out... into the sunshine.. for the first time in months I seen my smile. I've been told I'm in love with being in love, but this time I just might actually be in love with HIM.

Chivarly lives....
He's unlike any man I've ever known. He's quiet and calm. Sexy and sweet. He was even a tad bit perturbed with me when I'd open my own doors. Going forward, I've since allowed him the pleasure of doing so.. He watches me intently as if I'm a work of art. He listens enthuastically when I speak and smiles when I smile. He is everything I've NEVER experienced. He gives me hope that love exists... with all his charm and simplicity... he's more man than i've ever known. When he kisses me my soul warms. I find myself lost in time whenever I'm with him... a never ending happily ever after... it's surreal almost.. too good to be true? I thought so, but he hasn't changed. He still opens my doors....Gets up out of his sleep to walk with me in the cold to the restroom... buys food for me even when I'm pouting and giving him a hard time... points out a star in the sky and a dolphin in the ocean. He tries his damnedest to understand me and accept me... for that I'm grateful. He's a good man. Maybe, one day I will be his..................... who knows.. but for now the ride is great

Look at all these rumors...surrounding me everyday....

2007-08-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

I'm on the road right now....somewhere in the darkness between Texas and New Mexico...it's been lovely, even soul cleansing to breathe in air that actually soothes my mind. I initially hesitated when first asked to take the trip, but for some reason New Orleans beckoned to me. So here I am riding w/ a man that makes me feel like a queen...he revels in my beauty when I'm too misguided to see for myself. I didn't realize I'd be able to let myself become involved with another man so soon in my heartache...but god thru life allows amazing things to occur when we least expect it! So imagine how I felt when he advised me we had a mutual friend in common...or more like he has a friend that knows of me...from the moment he mentioned it to me I was uneasy...I looked at this person's page and didn't recognize her at all...so...being the curious george I am, I began to probe him further. After a full interogation and a long uncomfortable silence he revealed the details of a conversation that literally rocked my world. He went on to explain this woman told him I was promiscious and I had tested positive for HIV...WHOOOA.... Now, I am NOT hiv positive... but what disturbed me even more is the audacity of someone to even say something like this...something so hurtful and sick.... this isn't high school people... a rumor in this capacity could certainly devastate a person's life! I am furious! I contacted this woman directly becaused rumors need to be squashed at the source... I am also considering sueing her ass for defamation of character. I can't believe there are grown ass women still so bitter and envious of others , that they'd stoop to such low levels in the attemp to get a man... funny part is I was just tested for HIV about a month and I'm able to put the nasty rumor to rest...in her hopes of keeping this man from me, she actually pushed him closer to me... I can't wait to get home. peace

Enough is enough!

2007-06-13T22:25:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

I will make this real quick and to the point! If you are married, involved, attached or "someone" else out in the world believes you are... LEAVE ME THE PHUCK ALONE! There is nothing worse than spending 5 years of your life with the man, you think you're going to marry... only to find out he is basically living a "single" life online and has an array of women completely oblivious to your very existence. Going through that caused my own doubts about if I was good enough and raised questions about who I am as a woman. If you've never been through such emotional turmoil, it's indescribable. I wouldn't wish that type of pain on anyone in the world!

My reasons...
For the last 9 months or so I've been taking my son to this very popular barber shop. Lots of men hang out there, obviously, but the owner of the shop took a particular interest in me. He cuts my son's hair and even offered my son a job. Everytime I'd come in the shop, he'd make passes at me or compliment my clothes or hair. I never paid attention until recently. He seemed liked a nice enough man... handsome, successful, so I finally give him my number. He calls later on in the evening. He asked if he could come over... I tell him NO! First off, I don't bring people that I KNOW to my house on a regular basis, secondly, I don't KNOW him from adam.. so, yea it's a no. In addition, that basically told me he only had one interest in me.... so I play a little word game with him. I ask why does he need to come to my house, can't he play in his own home... (yea, I can be a lil naughty) He answers, " Well, you know, I have someone there...." HA! Really... hmmm? a wife I blurt out! He's silent for a moment and then he replies, "Yea, I thought you knew....". Ok, Why the hell would I know? There's a ring missing from your fucking left hand idiot! I try not to let my anger seeth and seep into our conversation. I told him point blank.. I DON'T PLAY WITH MARRIED MEN... PERIOD! He claims to understand and respect that. So, I am curious, I begin to ask WHY he feels the need to cheat. He gives me these ridiculous excuses, for instance, the sparks are gone... other people interferred... he's not IN LOVE anymore... yada yada yada... Well, Mr. Barbershop.. LEAVE. Don't bring another innocent woman into your equation of unhappiness. Understand that I know I am a fairly attractive woman AND I also know I could use my assets as a means of getting to the next level, but THAT'S NOT ME! See, this is how motha f*cca's end up on Unsolved Mysteries and Snapped! I don't fathom I'll ever understand men in my lifetime... but don't worry married ladies.. I am no homewrecker.

More poetry...

2007-06-13T22:24:00.002-07:00

Friday, June 08, 2007

Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry

Captured Soul

Copyright Cherise J Thomas 2005

In the eye of the storm is where u explode...furiously yelling and ripping through anything that gets in your way...to get a point across. It`s nature, yet I fight it like it`s not supposed to be. U make your rounds chaotically in and out of my heart like a thief in the night...Tormenting and tearing into my soul, swearing me away, but refusing to let go. You`ve stripped me down to all or nothing, leaving me exposed; but i have nothing to hide that wasn`t already hidden; unconsciously known...in the dark I am cold and confused..violated and abused by the winds of your distrust. Spinning around in the eye of your storm battered about as u refuse to let go...I`ve succombed to your ultimate task at hand & i`ve given u all that I am. I cannot fight back anymore.I am your Captured Soul.
2005cjt

"Grey"

Cjt 2005

This is who I was:

A little girl born innocent in this world.
No stranger to touches.
Curly, long hair,bright brown eyes..tan skin
Black Father; White Mother
full of potential
conflicted within.
No one knew the pain
I kept inside.
They sent me to school
unprepared to deal with
my racial divide.
I was different though
never made aware
Until the day
Parent-Teacher conferences
came and all of my friends just stared.
"Yo Momma Is White" I remember
one kid yelled.. followed by
echoing laughter.
I just shrugged my shoulders
and replied, "oh well"
That day marked the begining
of my own internal fight...
from then I knew It wasn't
cool to be white.
I was hurt & confused...
which led to my own self abuse.
I moved aimlessly from place to place.
In search of identity;love;a plan.
I'd no self respect & found myself
succombing to the desires of a man...
thinking this is all I had..
I didn't understand Why it was so
hard to be loved just for who I am.
My self worth slowly evaporated
and between my legs was the only
thing that validated my heinous reality.

This who I became:

Angry & so Full of hate.
I excluded myself from anything great.
WHO AM I? WHO AM I?
MY SOUL WOULD SCREAM!!
I'm gonna slap this bitch if she
keeps speaking spanish to me!
Doesn't she know I'm Black?
I'm so tired of hearing,
"Well, you don't look Black".
How ignorant is that?
If they had an ounce of intelligence
they'd know that dark skin is not the
only definition of being BLACK!
Color Conscious White Folks;
Envious Black Folks;
They all had my mind blowing up in smoke.
Too Black to be White.. Too white to be black...
It seemed I was the enemy on both sides of the attack.
Which side do I choose?
My heart's in dismay,Seems no matter where I
journey I lose ultimately...
So finally I've decided at the end of this day...
I'm Not black nor white..
I'm just Grey.

Rejection
CJT2006

I'm not the beauty icon you see on T.V..
My honey-colored light skin didn't get me in or
even close for that matter... I'm on the back
of the bus, invisible to the struggle surrounding
me....detached revolutionary, dark dreamer and
black power believer!
I am not his image of black beauty... instead I'm
a constant reminder of his pain..a shadow of discontenment;
half breed resentment.
He has no idea about my internal battles; I come from
no where and my skin is bare of any remaining history;
Many of my nights spent crying wishing upon a darker envy:
Nappy hair, ebony eyes, black fist held high!

I'm the lured sexual desire of your man as shown in mainstream media.
Clashing with righteousness and the opinions that I'm superior.
Never a wife, but always a hoe... stereo-types that I'm easy,
sleazy,and superb on my knees.. high maintainence, high stress...
So hard to please.
Truth is, I'm quiet preferring my solitude..there's nothing bad about my attitude.
I'm loving and longing for my king to make me a queen.. I'm searching
for acceptance in shades of deep mahogany. Love scenes, as shown in
love jones... or love and basketball don't depict me at all.. Instead,I'm the
vixen trying seduce your man or the woman who devises the plan to take
all and leave nothing...sigh...and rightfully so, since you know, I am just
a high yella, house nigga, wanna be, white man's hoe.

Paris,Stop crying and suck it up like the rest of us!

2007-06-13T22:24:00.001-07:00

Current mood: aggravated
Category: News and Politics

I wasn't going to give this much thought or energy, mainly due to the fact that the media is already doing a great job of OVER SENSATIONALIZING this crap! I log onto Yahoo and here is this BIG story about poor Paris Hilton being returned to jail.. Oh the outrage. Here she is in tears, screaming, begging and proclaiming it ain't right.

Well, I have news for you my sista... or sister.. LOL As a juvenile I spent 9 months in Camp Challenger.. When I was 24, I was arrested on a warrant I didn't know existed, for something I didn't do.. at least not intentionally. I spent 12 long days in between 2 jails. At that time the women were housed at Twin Towers in downtown LA. I was also battling a serious mental condition, Chronic Anxiety Disorder and I suffered from severe panic attacks for which I took medication. At no time did anyone seem to care about this problem. My picture was taken and I was thrown in cell with the rest of the immates.

Needless to say, 7 years later I am NOW fighting a petty theft charge in which they have no evidence on me, except the fact my car was there and I was with some friends. The statue of limitations is just about up on the case and I have not been arrested or in any type of trouble since being a juvenile (side note: previous case mentioned was subsequently dismissed). The DA could care less that I am single mother, with no prior convictions, least of all any petty theft. He could care less his only witness remembers nothing. He is determined to prosecute me to the fullest extent of the law. He definitely doesn't care that if convicted of this crime, it could potentially hurt any future chances I have of obtaining a great job in law enforcement.... why would he? He doesn't know me. To him, I am just another black statistic. To him, I am just a case to be won... I have no face.

When I see Paris Hilton on TV crying about serving 23 days in jail, it infuriates me!! BITCH PLEASE! (excuse the language, on the other hand don't!) There are real people in the world, with REAL problems and the law could care less about them! Here you are afforded more than most people will EVER see in their lifetime. You walk arrogantly through life as if SOMEONE owes you... get a grip. Suck it up and be a woman. You didn't care to think when you were driving around without a license. I know that if I am convicted of this bullshit ass crime... it's probably my karma for all of the other shit I never got caught for... and I will not complain, but take it for what it is... I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not that young girl making stupid decisions. I'm a grown adult who abides the law (except for the occassional finger I give to passing patrol cars while playing FUCK THE POLICE) LOL.

My point is, we've ALL done something in our lives we are not proud of, some more than others. There has to come a time when we ACCEPT responsibility for our actions. Good or bad.

Paris, get over it and yourself!

The dinner....

2007-06-13T22:23:00.002-07:00

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Current mood: touched
Category: Romance and Relationships

Another angry text message arguement.
Ok, the better part of Saturday was spent arguing via text messaging. WHY? Who the hell knows.. I guess I said something "He" didn't like. I asked the wrong question or made an inplication of "US" being together, which for the record, I didn't. After about 3 or 4 hours of angry typing and swollen fingers, I gave up. Damn, how did we get here? Wasn't it EVER good between us? Didn't he used to love me? Haven't I cried enough? I sighed and picked my son up from the gym. I needed to be near him... and feel him. My son is my HOPE for the future... he has a chance to be what I've never been able to accomplish.. I just wish he knew... I watched him intently as he spewed off 1000 requests he needed filled by his birthday. "Momma, I need $20 for a haircut and how many friends can I invite to hurricane harbor... Can you buy me a famous stars and stripes hat to match my t-shirt... my Rap coordinator, Sal said just bring him the money and he will get it for me..please momma... " I love this kid... whom is totally oblivious to the fact that I've lost my job... and I've depleted every dime in both my savings and checking accounts... which, by the way is NOW overdrafted and my atm card confiscated at the Kiosk atm just moments before our conversation. Oh to be a kid... again.. I never KNEW how great it was.. and he is a KID.... ya know.. it's NOT his job to make sure everything is alright.. it's mine... (side note: who takes care of me when everything isn't ok?) The joy of adulthood strikes again! The day stretched on and I found myself at the carwash... cleaning my car... and then I had an idea... I would invite Aaron to dinner... maybe we could put this animosity behind us... I have to get through this somehow. I sent a text message with my proposal and to my surprise he accepted. I asked him what he would like to eat? We agreed on Steak.. I headed to the grocery store. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure I wanted this dinner to be special.. for HIM. I wanted to give him a glimpse of what is inside of my heart and mind. I shopped for all of my ingredients.. the menu consisted of coconut shrimp.. steak... salad... baked potatoes and rolls ... I also threw in some homemade alfredo pasta I'd made.... I made homemade walnut brownies and I bought some vanilla bean ice cream and chocolate syrup.. (one of his favs) This had to be perfect. Just once

Preparations.
Today started rather slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 a.m. I rushed to make breakfast for my son, clean up and get myself to the gym. First item of business was the music. So, I went thru all of my cd's and made the PERFECT mix of what I was feeling. I had some Robin Thicke, Lost without you.. Blackstreet.. before I let you go.. Love Jones... Sweetest Thing... Mary J.. (ole skool) Changes I've been going thru.. Ne-Yo.. Do You.. Yea, you get it... right? (smile) Next, I pack my gym bag.. I will have to shower and dress there... my steak is marinating.. my brownies are just out of the oven... I get out my brand new wine set.. complete with the wine caraf... I head out. Take Quin to his dads.. manage to get in 45 minutes of cardio... shower, dress and make it home just at 6... he will be here in one hour... I have my steak in the oven.. my shrimp frying... my baked potatoes in the microwave (which by the way does a wonderful job)... I am putting my salad together.. cutting up cucumbers... and washing cherry tomatoes... (thank god for Fresh Starts Veggie mix salad!). I turn my living room into the MOST ROMANTIC setting ever. I have a japanese style coffee table, which sits low to the floor. I placed my throw pillows around the table. Time for the "good" dishes.. LOL I set the table.. wine caraf in the middle... candles surrounding the caraf.. wine glasses and salad bowls on top of the plates.. everything was going great and HE walked in just at 7... Steaks went into the broiler to finish up while we ate our salad and made small talk. He was surprised. I could see it in his eyes. He commented on how nice everything looked and tasted. He kept staring at me. The sun set and the candlelight grew larger... exposing the tears in his eyes. The music played and he asked, "Did you make this cd for tonite?", Yes, I replied.. He smiled. I explained how I wanted to give him something unique ...

The conclusion
We sat there in silence for a long while listening to Janet coo.. "Come back to me".... I looked over and he was crying... seriously crying. I didn't want to cry tonight. I knew this was potentially the LAST time we'd be together like this. I held it in. I wanted to be strong. For so long I'd been consumed by negativity.. holding onto bad memories.. exposing who he wasn't to the world. I was wrong. And at that moment I let go. He brought me to my feet. He held me... and cried.. his tears mixing with my own. Our fingers locked tightly into one another's ... we cried. He said he had to go... and I felt helpless... like those days when I was a homeless teen... wandering the streets in the cold.. no where to go... I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I asked him WHY? What is wrong with me? He replied, "There is nothing wrong with you... I have to go.. I am sorry.. I will always love you, Cherise....." And he went and I sobbed. I ran to the door and at that moment he stopped and looked back at me and then, he turned and walked down the path to his car. I ran barefoot to the street and watched his car drive away... brake lights in tow. I slowly made my way back to my apartment. I sat down on my couch and sobbed. Moments later, we talked briefly on the phone. I explained I wanted him to have something special.. from me. Something good because he is so many wonderful things that he doesn't see. He's intelligent and giving.. He has the potential to be that lawyer he dreams of becoming.. I told him I was sorry I didn't support him then.. AND I love him more than I can breathe... and I sobbed and so did he. And then it was over.

Peaceful texts...
"thank u for a beautiful experience and i dont just mean the dinner. Hardest thing i think ive ever been through, aaron"

I usually go thru and edit my blogs.. but this right here is raw and uncut.. from my heart.. so If i left out a word from typing too fast or I mispelled anything, forgive me... Reese

Currently listening :
Love Jones: The Music (1997 Film)
By Various Artists
Release date: By 11 March, 1997

My Poetry.....

2007-06-13T22:23:00.001-07:00

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry

I've decided to post some of poetry.. at least the ones I have copyrighted. They will be in the book.. Enjoy... Feedback is appreciated...

Ecstasy

..> By Cherise thomas

WITH ONE GLANCE U
TOOK MY BREATH AWAY-
SUFFOCATING MY PAIN;
EXPOSING MY INNER MOST
DESIRES WITH YOUR
CONTROLLING DOMINATION-
I COULD NOT ELUDE MY FEARS-
INSTEAD,I DRIFTED OFF INTO
OBLIVION AS U ENTERED MY
SOUL-MANIPULATING EVERY INCH
OF MY FEMININITY;CAUSING ME TO
BECOME INSANE.
WEEPING AS JOLTS OF CLIMATIC
PLEASURE EXPLODE THROUGH MY
BEING...YOU HAVE CONQUERED YOUR
MISSION- I`VE SURRENDERED ALL
THAT I AM.
I AM YOURS... ECSTASY CJT2001

Hurt...

..> By Cherise thomas

WRITTEN BY:CHERISE J.THOMAS
(A LESSON IN DECEIT)
A HEART STOLEN, A HEART BROKEN.
PERSECUTED LOVE.
UNWELCOME DESIRES FOR A MAN
TO WHOM IS NOT MINE.
I WASTED MY VALUABLE TIME.
HE UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF
MY SOUL- GUARDING MY THOUGHTS-
MAKING IT UNBEARABLE TO LET GO.
UNCONSCIOUS OF HIS INSENSITIVE
WAYS- I WAS UNAWARE OF THE CAT&
MOUSE GAME HE PLAYS...
MENTAL EXCITATION LED THE WAY
TO BURNING INFATUATION... LUSTFUL CONVERSATIONS ELUDING;
INTOXICATING PERSAUSIONS.
I GAVE INTO HIS INTELLECTUAL SEDUCTION ONLY TO BE REJECTED AND ILL-TREATED.
L0VE HAS BEEN DEFEATED.

The Napkin...

..> By Cherise thomas

U left and I quickly grabbed my pen and your napkin...
I began...
My soul is completely captured by your presence,
the very essence
of wanting u...
creates a need beyond
explanation.
You have broken
every barrier,
and
now I am exposed.
Naked,
to the truth
as it unfolds.
Love Hurts.

"Sudden Thoughts"
Emptiness settles after the anger subsides
The pain is numbing,causing my spirit to die.
Mis-led by promises unkept-
The torment runs deeper than the oceans depth.
I contemplate all of my mistakes
I lay wide awake
Wondering if I have been raped
By life--
And what I thought would be a gratifying existence
Turned out to be a pitiful resistance
Against time and the inevitable
We all must die!
Excitement turns into fear masked by
What some see as strength
At any moment I will break
Down into what I have come to hate...
Me.

Cherise Joy Thomas
Copyright ©2007 Cherise Joy Thomas

Currently listening :
Personal Conversation
By Case
Release date: By 20 April, 1999

A little love letter.... ?? or NOT

2007-06-13T22:22:00.003-07:00

Friday, June 01, 2007

Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships

seriously though reese...whats going to happen..what if i get into a serious relationship..is that ok with you?..i worry about you..not that you cant take care of yourself but that you love me so much that im going to always be breaking your heart or something...you dont understand how complicated this is...i made this desicion but it still breaks my heart not to be with you at times...and i dont want you to keep holding on...i dont think i can ever stop worrying about you though...just period..thats why i get so mad when you call me drunk..its bad for you in so many ways..i just want to know if i do seriously move on youll be ok..and i know this note may suck.this is the hardest thing ive gone through ..im sorry..see i dont even know what to say anymore..i do love you...always will..right now i cant promise you what you need..im sorry pooh..i am..please ask your heart to forgive me someday,,

love aaron

Currently listening :
The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
By Marvin Gaye

Ok Black People!

2007-06-13T22:22:00.001-07:00

Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life

Wat it do shawty?
I could be getting old or out of touch with the NEW generation of youth coming up.. but while browsing thru several myspace spots I am noticing a common trend with the use of the down south slang... OK, OK.. if you are FROM LA, CA, there is no reason WHY you should be saying Shawty, wat it do,or have anything other than the teeth GOD gave you in your mouth! PERIOD!! What happened to originality?? A few cats hit the music scene and now everybody is talking like they're from Mississippi.. WTF? What happened to that West Coast flavor I grew up on? Clean white tee's, khakis and low riders on Sunday... and what the hell does "getting your grown man on" mean? If I hear that shit one more 'gain.. wheew it's going to be baaaad.

Monkey see, monkey do...
I really feel like music and our culture has fallen off as a whole. I've said this before, but I must reiterate, there used to be a uniqueness that set US apart from everyone else. What happened? We have a group of young people just following what the next is doing. When is the next INDIVIDUAL going to step up and LEAD? I shooo miss 2pac and Biggie, cross colors.. kid n play...kwame... guess jeans and rayon shirts.. flat tops and polka dots... I miss being black... because shit... nowadays EVERYBODY is BLACK.. or wanna be... or tryna be... Our culture should NOT be defined by fried chicken, basketball and wanna be rappers starting stereo-typical fads for the masses to follow... We NEED some originality.... something that EVERYONE is not doing... I remember when break dancing used to be something that people stopped to watch and they were in awe... or when Hip Hop videos were only played on Yo! MTV Raps/ BET... I am getting depressed just watching our music/culture go to shit.... does anyone feel me???

Peace.

Currently listening :
In Effect Mode
By Al B. Sure!
Release date: By 25 October, 1990

I'm too PHAT for a swimsuit list.....

2007-06-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Current mood: melancholy
Category: Blogging

1.so why is it that really obese women think it's cool to wear thongs on the beach?

2. Honestly, it ain't cool for NO one to wear thongs on the beach, but something about double ass and stomachs ain't the beauty I'm seeking when I hit my fav spot.

3.I think I was the ONLY non-high person at the Reggae festival

4." I will come see you, bring you food, but stop thinking Imma act like ya man"

5.Why does HE equate EVERYTHING with us being together?

6.The very next night " You can sleep here tonite, but SHE may call, don't know how you're going to handle that"

7.*scratches head* Ok, if YOU invite your ex to your house...and you're seeing someone, common sense is to NOT invite your ex to your house..it's prolly not a good idea

8. but i love him.. and so I digress

9.found myself venturing to church more and more often.

10.not sure if it's for religion, education or some other quest I may be on

11." I feel like a crackhead waiting on the mailman for my check" me talking to ant about waiting on the mailman... he was rollin

12. demiurgic; A powerful creative force or personality.

13.all this free time is driving me crazy and I am sure there is lots I can find to do

14."I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout ya
And know it ain't right, baby
But I don't
I don't think, don't think that I
That I can let go (Don't think I can let you know)" Ne-Yo, Let go

15. i feel like a real deadbeat... lol

16.part of me wants to NOT go back... just write... or maybe work with teenaged girls

17.can u believe that guy called me a crazy b****

18.ok, so maybe I can be a little crazy and bitchy

19. Are u kidding me? The ONE time I walk away, I am called CRAZY...oh he doesn't know crazy...i asked him to keep his fucking hands off me...boys.. sigh

20. I really believe Dr.'s are the BIGGEST bullshitters in the world.. and they get paid for it!

21. Why the hell is the TV ALWAYS turned to a fucking spanish channel when I go to the dr.. in fucking Beverly Hills???

22. I told that bitch I had rolling veins.. she hit me 3 xs

23. Got- damned arm looks like I've been shooting her-ion.. LMAO

24.I really Miss Tupac.. Grid'lockd was on last night and I almost cried looking into those deep, dark eyes...

25. Imagine the music game if Pac were here? These negro's wouldn't have a chance

26. Tomorrow is my son's 1st school dance

27. Yup, Imma cry

28. I've decided to become celibate.... explore WHO I am

29. ok, who the fuck am I kidding

30. Didn't Teej have this as a new year's resolution?

31. Really, I am not considering dating as an option, maybe I am much too picky

32. SO final weight count since the gym , 33 lbs... I'm still too FAT to wear a swimsuit, but next year looks promising

33. I forgot how old I was the other day....

34. "I left with no bra or panties on,(no sex involved) his smell on me and sleep in my eyes... he left with my heart."

35. I almost got up the other morning and got dressed for work.. ahhhahaha I had to laugh at myself

36.Where is the damn heat at?

37.Who parked that ancient ass MC in front of the house? Spider webs coming from inside of the car to the outside ... missing bumbers, no seat.. WTF???

38. He said he name was "BOB"..he lives 3 houses down and he's been watching me.. thinks I am fine...wants to take me on a walk sometime..

39. Ok, BOB, that's creepy... especially the way your left eye looks to the east when u look west...

40. and I gave up the sympathy number

41. 100 calls later ... with various vm's... I had to let "Spongebob eyepatch" (as he is affectionately referred to by Aaron) know I had NO INTENTION of going on a walk with him

42.Doesn't it suck when u meet someone and they could be the ONE, but you're too emotionally fucked up?

43.Why can all these skinny bitches have 5-6 kids and still have a flat stomach and I have one kid and i'm left looking like a baby seal...

44. ok, so maybe I'm a little angry and have an alterior motive...

45. He may be RIGHT... as usual.. I fucking hate that shit,

46.I am going to test my acting skills out..

47. Yea, I am considering making a "movie" with a friend... now, of course I will NOT be involved in ANY sex scenes, nor will my clothes be off at ANY time, but I will be an EXTRA in the movie..

48. I think it will be fun...

49. I used to love him.. ya know

50.I wonder if he LOVED ME TOO... lol ;)

Him and I

2007-06-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Current mood: worried
Category: Life

Everyone who watched us together said they could see the love flowing around us. I felt the love. He kissed me... and held my hand.. he danced with me and smiled at me. He told me I looked strong. He said he was proud of me.

We looked into each other's eyes as if we were the only two people in the room. I knew right then and there he WAS the ONE for me. ....But after the festivities... and he made love to me.. .we went our seperate ways...

I left my heart behind. The next evening I had a visit from the other EX itching to get back into my life. I had to tell him we can never be... because HIM and I are OVER ... and well, Aaron is the only one for me.

Through all of our fighting and my ranting and his raving... here we are full circle once again. I know now that if I or (we) ever get another chance at this love thing... I will love him harder than he ever loved me.. I will be supportive... I will let him be the King and I his queen... I will be honest and keep our private business between us and out of the streets... there are so many things I've learned in the last year alone, but most importantly... I love him. and that's just the way it is.

Currently listening :
Attitude
By Troop
Release date: By 13 October, 1989

Birthday Blog...

2007-05-16T01:19:00.001-07:00

Current mood: grateful
Category: Life

Happy Birthday to me.. wheeww hoooo!

I could be sitting here sulking.. simply because I lost a great job last week.. and I desperately want and need Aaron in my life, but I've decided to try a different angle this year. Ok, so I am 31... feels the same as 30, 29, 28 ect., ect. The one difference that I notice right off is my mental state of mind. I'm very aware of what's going on inside of me and around me. Lately, my life has been wickedly out of control.. the men, my job, the stress.... today I plan to take it slow and relax. I am thankful I have a beautiful son that loves me.. I am glad I have my health and my intelligence.. I am also thankful I have so many wonderful family members and friends that love and care about me. I am thankful I met DeRaymion.. he is the best friend a girl could have... so with all the negative connotations my life has experienced... there is a lot more positive notes to reflect upon. This blog isn't as eloquent as I'd have liked it to be, but shit it's 1:15 in the morning.. and sleep hasn't been something I've been getting lately..... Happy Birthday to me... thanks Mom and Dad for bringing my emotional, complicated, artistic ass into the world.. I know I am such a pain.

It's that time of year again? AGAIN? yes, again!

2007-05-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life

How the hell did I?

I will be 31 next week... when did this happen? And when was I going to be informed that my hair would be turning grey in places I never imagined.. Yea, I said it.. I found a few greys down there and that shit scared the hell out of me. Although, I am never mistaken for over 25.... I feel so unaccomplished. I live in apartment, I am still working to pay bills and rarely saving.. and my love life.. well.... which brings me to my next topic of discussion.. MEN! Yup good ole men.. this might get a little long.. so, take a DEEP breath because I've been contemplating this blog for 2 weeks now...

Happily ever after?
I want to know are there any women out there that dreamed of getting married to this perfect man when they were little girls. I have searched thru the depths of my memory high and low, opening and closing closets for any clues related to this type of memory. I've heard a lot of women say when they finally get married that they've "dreamed" of this day since they were little girls. I don't remember any such dream! I remember climbing trees and playing in the street with my friends....dreaming of being a singer and dancer, but I don't recall shit about some knight and shining armor waiting for me at an alter. In fact, I don't think I really started to think about being married until I met Aaron. Maybe I am just weird, emotionally scarred or just plain crazy... but I NEVER had these dreams. As I've become older, I am more AWARE of the type of man I want and need. I've always wished I could find a certain type of man.. and I've always had an IDEA of what I thought an ideal relationship should be.. .but I've never planned out my wedding in my head. Never!

Next question. Why are there so many successful black women with loser as men?

Here's the deal with me. In the past, I've settled for men who've had no goals, job, aspirations or respect in general for women. I've been emotionally and physically abused and I accepted it because I thought that's all I was worth... that I couldn't do any better or I wouldn't get any better.. but lately, I've begun to ask myself... why am I afraid of a successful man? Do I honestly surround myself around the type of men that would give me what I need... ok, so what do I need from a man?

1. Respect

2.Romance

3.Honesty

4.Someone who has goals and a life outside of my own

5. A man with similar interest such as my own.. poetry, the arts, walks on the beach... yada yada yada.

6. A strong and sensitive man

Notice I didn't say rich or baller .... yeller or abuser... so why is it I don't surround myself with these type of men? Do I even know where to find these type of men? Or maybe these men are all around me, but I don't give them the time of day. Could it be I am simply ok with settling for what I know I don't want ... just for the sake of NOT being alone? I'm asking this because I KNOW so many intelligent, beautiful sista's out there that date men who are so far from their equal. Trust me, I am NOT speaking financially, but emotionally and intellectually. If I love poetry, why am I dating a man that can't read (LOL)... and maybe it won't be that extreme, but you get my drift. What I'm trying to relay to all the sista's out there and myself is if we surround ourselves with negativity we should expect negativity.... a friend told me once, "Cherise, where are you seeking out these men? In the club? If so, you're never going to find what you're looking for there. Try going to social spots where intelligent, successful black men gather... star bucks.. or the library... anywhere except the club or the street corner... "... HE was right.

I can hold an intelligent conversation with a strong, successful black man. I shouldn't be afraid to SEEK him out. I shouldn't settle for a man that isn't interested in my overall well being out of loneliness. I should love me enough to give myself the best opportunities afforded to me... and that includes a man!

I don't owe u anything.....

I have an ex that I haven't seen for 6 years. He and I were off and on for almost 10 years. He is a very intelligent man, but he can't seem to stay out of jail nor keep his hands off of me. He did some horrible, horrible things to me this last time we were together! So, I when I get a phone call from my cousin sayin, guess who I just talked to? "Who?" Umm Desmond.. he wants to see you... I am slightly confused...Now, I am over the nightmares... the pain and the hurt... BUT, a small part of me still wants to see him because I feel like I NEED to close this chapter in my life. Another part of me feels like I don't owe him shit... nothing! Why should I forgive him? He hurt me when I was nothing but good to him. He took advantage of my youth and tortured my soul.. for what? Because He was so unhappy with his own tragic exsitence? Instead of picking up the pieces to his own life and moving on towards success, he continued to feed into what society predicted he'd do.. FAIL. I expected MORE from this person because I trusted him with everything I had. *sigh* So, what should I do?

Does it EVER end?

2007-05-16T01:12:00.000-07:00

Current mood: distressed

I think I set myself up for bad karma. Or maybe it's the negative energy that I sometimes feed into. Who knows. But all of my attempts to live a normal, productive life always seem halted! I have been at my job for about 16 months. Never had an issue, never been in any trouble or drama. Well, that all changed on Friday. Understand, that I have been trying to apply for a permanent position with the company since February. The first app. I put in was "lost" and I was told I needed to work in my position a bit longer ( while other's were told NOT to apply, all of us being black). This round I was advised I needed to stabilize my work history. WTF? I am confused here. There was no mistake that I was upset by what was going on. Honda is a fickle company. A company which only 5% of it's employees are black. I work in a department that is run strictly by who u know and who like you... definitely NOT by skill or qualifications. There are people there who've been there 3 or 4 years and STILL have not been made associate because the don't fit the "profile". I have brought these issues up with management SEVERAL times and I have been very vocal in my disgust for their bias hiring process. Then I was sabatoged.

After returning from lunch on Friday, I was called into the conference room with one of the contract coordinators. She proceeds to show me an open case of mine, which I haven't worked. I look over the case and see that there has been some type of myspace bulletin pasted in the note section. Ok. So, I keep looking at her and she asked how did they get there? Shit if I know! I don't copy and paste myspace notes into my cases, not on accident or on purpose. I am then told this is a terminating offense, HOWEVER it is being investigated. I am given two different stories as to how this case was pulled. I start asking several questions because this is MY JOB they are talking about. I went over every scenario in my mind and there is NO WAY I did this... not even on accident! Someone set me up... but it's under my username.. well, guess what.. my user name is accessible by EVERYONE in the department and the password is universal. I have worked here for over a year and I've never been so much as warned for attendance.. .this is uncharacteristic of my work ethic and a bunch of bullshit! Needless to say, I was suspended with pay.... but wait.. How am I suspended if they have no proof? Well, it's their mistake. I will not go quietly and for whomever tried to set me up.. what goes around comes around! In my mind, realistically speaking, if they had REAL evidence I would have been fired on Friday.... either way it goes.. I am fighting this to the very end! I did not work my ass for over a year to be terminated for some straight up bullshit!!

*sigh*

The "He said WHAT" list

2007-04-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

I've compiled a list of 10 quotes from different people... either friends, foes, or fools I don't know.. ALL MALE..
Enjoy?

1."Plus if you kill yourself I will find you in the afterlife and fuck you up! " Teej on me cutting myself... Only HE would think about fucking someone up in the aftelife.. Love u Teejie!

2."tell me ulove me" Aaron at 3am Saturday, OBVIOUSLY drunk

3."Baby let me tell you about this thing that goes on before the club. See, you step outta line and come and talk to me. I get your number and I take you out sometime. Look at you, pretty, pretty toes, girl... you don't know what I can do to u" Fat dude working the line at Cohiba... LMAO

4."Lue said he will stay with you but u have 2 go to church in the morning..." Spunky on me sleeping alone.

5."Sure, so ... How about dinner and fucking? We can discuss the definition of dating over dinner"... Steven's crazy ass on dating... I swear, the things I hear.. needless to say the dinner and fucking NEVER happened.

6."Girl, PLEASE! Do not stroke my ego, there is no need".. Chris on my best sex ever comment.. ;) lmao

7."Its ok to want more, thats ambition. It's a positive attribute. However, self loathing is not" Arlyn on my self esteem and life issues...

8."I'm disappointed in you.... I was gonna give u a chance, but last time I seen you, you were leaving with someone else. Lemme ask you something... Does size matter to you?" Some jerk at Cohiba that got cussed out shortly after making this statement.

9." when things get hard i always go inside my shell i should have been real. i am sorry. i still got luv 4 you." Church apologizing for EVERYTHING...

10. " I would never marry anyone that I can't pick up. What if she falls down and hurt's herself, plus you never want to be with someone that has the potential to knock you out!" Dee on dating BIG gurls.. hahahahaha too funny

And the award for best actress goes to....

2007-04-15T13:22:00.001-07:00

Current mood: depressed
Category: Life

It's Sunday... an end to yet another weekend gone much too fast. The last few weeks of my life have been, well, to say the least, difficult. I feel like I'm being tested, but I'm not quite clear in what way. I'm going to start rambling... because there is so much on my mind... Is there a God? Is he watching over me? Or is SHE being vindictive because I fucked her man? (not to be taken literally, people!) I'm definitely NOT big on religion simply because my thought process is much too rational and technical. I don't even feel spiritual. I hear myself talking about GOD and FUCK............. do I really believe my own bullshit? (ha!) I feel like an actress in my own life. Smiling and laughing... playing a part so well, that I'm waiting for my name to be called at the Oscars.

Who am I? I get like this from time to time, but lately more so than ever. I know this really has nothing to with Aaron and I... in part, it plays a significant role... but I know I've had this sadness in my soul long before he entered my life. I'm living a life that isn't condusive to what I really want and need. I have all of these men whispering in my ear.. telling me I am beautiful... but it doesn't matter. I've known about my beauty since the begining. I've used it to my advantage, manipulating hearts and seducing souls. Even on my ugliest days... I am still aware. I just pretend. Does this make me a bad person?

What am I looking for? An idea.... I've always wanted one of those big houses with lots of children... laughter.. and memories made by the moments we'd share together. A man, one man, whom loved me and didn't care about my past. Someone whom protected me and held me during those trying times my mind escapes reality. I thought I'd found him, but he ran away.

I don't get this at all. I KNOW what I want... I think. Or sometimes I feel like I know. Being me just seems ... well, who would really like ME anyway.

The Teej and Risha WTF is going on list......

2007-03-31T00:30:00.001-07:00

1. "Fuck the police coming straight from the underground, a young nigga got it bad cuz I'm brown", NWA

2. Why the hell was I in Jail last week at this EXACT moment?

3.Cold part is it was for some old ass warrants that I should've taken care of

4.I've realized JAIL ain't for me! It was cold as shit in that bitch!

5.Thank GOD for my momma... don't know what I'd do with her.

6. "And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up" Pac Keep Ya head up!

7. That's just some deep shit right there

8. So two weeks ago I go into the doctor because I was feeling "weird".... found out I was 4 months pregnant

9.Aaron wasn't too thrilled about that....

10. Monday night after the gym...the pain started.. needless to say I've spent the last two days in and out of the hospital...and the baby is lost :(

11.Thank god for Eric... he keeps me smiling. :)

12. "Knowin you the best part of life, do I have the right to take yours
Cause I created you, irresponsibly
Subconciously knowin the act I was a part of
The start of somethin, I'm not ready to bring into the world
Had myself believin I was sterile
I look into mother's stomach, wonder if you are a boy or a girl
Turnin this woman's womb into a tomb
But she and I agree, a seed we don't need
You would've been much more than a mouth to feed
But someone, I woulda fed this information I read
to someone, my life for you I woulda had to leave
Instead I lead you to death
I'm sorry for takin your first breath, first step, and first cry
But I wasn't prepared mentally nor financially
Havin a child shouldn't have to bring out the man in me
Plus I wanted you to be raised within a family" Common w/ Lauryn Hill "Restrospect for life"

13. He really believes it's about HIM

14."iF only he could see through my transparent facade... he'd understand I'm deeper than the shallow pool he dove head first into".. Reese.

15." I think my closed mindedness just opened up" Reese again on Eric

16. my god son is the MOST adorable baby ever!

17. "my body is strong, but weakened by my mind.. I just need some TIME to get it together, but as the time TICKS I realize time is just a measure until we get to that last moment... then it's all over.. STOP WASTING TIME!" Reese... 07

18. I've lost 13 pounds in the last two months.. I can't wait until I'm not fat anymore!

19. he says, "When you get right, you won't give me the time of day".....

20. I say, " I'm not giving u the time of day NOW"... (he laughs at me)

21. Churchie will be here on Wednesday

22.Aww shit bonnie and clyde on the grind,

23. But I ain't fallin for the banana in the tail pipe..lmao!

24. I've realized that's it better to just live life and stop worrying about shit I can't change!

25. Is music really as deep as, "I'm hot cuz I'm Fly, you ain't cuz u not!"

26.You have to be fucking kidding me!

27.I remember when I used to be excited about new records coming out..

28.Now I just roam around Best Buy looking for old shit I don't got anymore

29.Did I wake u up last night teejie?? I shoulda called risha triflin ass.. Ya'll a hot mess

30. and I'm OUT!

You reap what you sow... A lesson in Love.

2007-03-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Nikki sat nervously on the edge of the table awaiting the doctor's reponse. Lately, she hadn't been feeling like herself. Mornings were the worst. She'd wake up completely exhausted and just yesterday she found herself having an intimate conversation with her toilet. So, here she was inside of clinic, legs dangling from the table, dressed in a paper gown. SHe heard a knock on the door and the doctor slipped in. The doctor was a middle-aged indian woman. Her name plate depicted an unpronounceable name, so Nikki didn't even try. She glanced up at the doctor, while trying to hold her gown in place over her freezing breasts.
"Well, seems as though I've found the problem", the doctor said. Nikki listened intently as the doctor began, "You're going to have a baby Miss". Nikki fell into a deep shock. "I'm going to have a baby?", she asked. "Seems that way, infact you're about 4 months a long", the doctor replied. Nikki didn't understand. She sat there thinking.... deeply. Had it been almost 4 months since she's seen him? Can't be, but then again, it had to be, for there was no one else. She felt sick and didn't know what she would do. Would he believe her? Would he be there? She did the only thing she knew how to do, she sent him a text message that simply said: I NEED TO TALK ASAP! WHENEVER YOU"VE THE TIME I'D APPRECIATE A CALL OR MESSAGE BACK! THANKS, NIKKI

Within in minutes she had a response. "HE" asked her what's up? How could she tell HIM, this person with whom she's spent countless nights declaring her love for. This same person who'd expressed his desire to venture outside of their once solid commitment just months before. She remembered the day vividly now as she listened to the doctor rant on in the background about her options and inquire if she were married or not. As the doctor's voice slowly faded into the darkness of her imagination, she was there again... in his room. She could see him sitting on their bed. He looked beautiful.... " I need to tell you this now", Jason said firmly. " I really don't know how to say this, but I think we should see other people. I mean, I'm just not happy anymore. Ever since you moved here from Georgia, it's different. I know what you're thinking, but there isn't anyone else. I just need to get myself together." his voice trailed off during his last sentence. Was she dreaming? Did her Fiance' just break up with her? She stood there silent for a moment and then the tears began streaming. She'd moved here for him... and her art as well. Sure she wanted to paint and New York was an excellent place to start for a young starving artist, but ultimately it was all for him. She hesistated before saying, " What about this ring? Does it mean absolutely nothing now?". She was furious. 3 years she's struggled with him and sure they had their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, it was the two of them together. ALWAYS. Jason said nothing. He just held his head down and whispered, "I think it's for the best, Nikki. We're too young for this. I've never been able to date without the pressure of a relationship. I love u and I always will, but I'm NOT in love with you. I think you should leave as soon as your able". He can't be serious. She has a 4 year old daughter to think about. He's the only father she knows. How will she explain this to Aubrey. She adores him. Her next move was one out of pure desperation. Before she knew it, she'd picked up a painting she'd been working on for 3 months.... it was an ode to their love.. something special she was going to give him for his birthday. She threw it at him, she screamed and through the tears she began throwing anything she could at him. He ducked and dodged her frivolous attempt to expell her anger.... "STOP!", he yelled. He finally reached her and grabbed her. Tears flowing freely from his own eyes, he looked her straight in her own and said, "It's over, I'm sorry". That was the last time she'd seen him.... 4 months ago... "SO, I will need to refer you to an OB-GYN ASAP!, you will need prenatal vitamens and"... the doctor's voice forced her back into reality. She quickly typed: I'M PREGNANT. 4 MONTHS TO BE EXACT. THERE HAS BEEN NO ONE SINCE YOU. He responded: I DON'T THINK "YOU" SHOULD HAVE IT. IT WILL ONLY MAKE MATTERS WORSE. WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER AND I AM NOT INTERESTING IN HAVING A FAMILY WITH YOU. ...... She read it twice. She couldn't believe the coldness of his reply. She sat there for a long moment and cried. What would she do? The last piece of their love lie deep inside of her belly. How could she terminate something so pure?

TO be continued.......

The circle of Life

2007-03-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

Life if truly amazing in it's purest form... a baby. Last night I witnessed my best and her husband bring their 1st son together into the world. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive about even being there.... as I still hold onto this pain, which burns like a never-ending candle in my heart. I miss my babies,..I want them back.. I want to share life with the man I love.... those are my thoughts on a daily basis... I want to watch someone stand in awe at our creation... Well, I experienced that all last night. I've known this person for half of my life.. she and I have shared intimate up and downs through our journey together... So, I had to be there.. for her and me.

Tears ...letting go... releasing pain
I heard his first cry and I knew this child was one of a kind. My Godson had made his entrance.. and he wanted everyone to know about it! I didn't even realize there were tears in my eyes until I went to focus on his little face.. How beautiful he was.. laying there.. cold and more than likely shocked at his new environment... I wiped my tears and checked on his mother ( who did a great job by the way)... then I watched his father... who stood there in awe at this little person whom was now an extension of his own soul. He carefully looked him over honing in on every detail about his son... More tears now followed. I thought of Aaron.... and our babies.. and how bad we both WANTED to experience this together.. I remember laying in his arms the night we lost our 1st child... he cried for hours... holding me.. apologizing for what he felt was his fault. I've never forgotten that night. Now, I'm standing here reveling in someone else's happiness... there was so much love in that room, that if you had a knife you could cut little hearts into the air. I took a deep breath and walked over to get a closer look at my new god son... his eyes were wide open and he looked at me as though he were waiting for me to say something.. So I talked to him... I told him how beautiful he was... and I told him he had a lifetime of adventure waiting ahead of him... Life has just begun for him... and he laid there listening to me... fingers in his mouth while his eyes intently followed every word I said... and then it happened... I let go. I hugged my friends... and left. I felt like I'd just releashed a life time of pain.... Pain that's been holding me down for the last16 months.... I felt free..

When I made it back to my car... I sent a message to Aaron. I truly hope one day he can experience fatherhood... I understand it will NOT be with me...

AND I'm OK with that...

The Woman I am?

2007-03-08T16:14:00.001-08:00

Current mood: determined
Category: Romance and Relationships

As I grow older (grrrr), I find myself becoming more reflective on my life, my actions and the consequences that follow. I guess one could say this is a sign of maturity and growth..not to say that I don't make mistakes or require more growth. I guess, I'm slight more conscious of my choices. I think a lot about the past, which in my opinion is the only way to learn from my mistakes. I look at people close to me who seem to be stuck in their unhealthy, unhappy life. I don't feel I am better, but I do feel I am making better choices. After 5 long years of playing childish games and chasing fruitless endeavors, I've realized my happiness doesn't lie in something or someone else. I do, however understand that my own happiness starts with loving myself... a daily challenge... but one that I am consistantly working on.

When looking back on Aaron and I's relationship, I clearly see where I may have caused a lot of our problems. I haven't always been very supportive. Meaning, when he was down, I reminded him that HE WAS DOWN. I believe the reason for this attitude has a lot to do with my past and my journey in life. I'm not very empathetic nor sympathetic when it comes to other people. I've NEVER had it easy!! I've always had to fight, steal and take what is rightfully mine... sometimes literally. From the very day I entered this earth, I was set up to fail. I was a difficult teenager... with an identity crisis no one bothered to address.. and I was stubborn as hell... but through all of my adversity, I made it.. with a baby boy in tow... for me.. in my mind there is no excuse for a grown man to be without a job or a means to sustain himself. I still believe this to a certain extent, but I REALIZE.. being a BLACK MAN in America is a trial in itself, HOWEVER... one can overcome.... if u CHOOSE to. Bottom line is I don't know if I can be someone's equal mate and look at them objectively and not judgmentally.... it's extremely hard... but, AGAIN I am a work in progress and I'm just being honest.

In all fairness to myself... I have a lot to offer any man for that matter. I'm super intelligent, witty, a great conversationalist and absolutely sexy in the red light... ;) I meet a lot of men... most I'm not even attracted to. The ones I'm attracted too are just like me... confused... and unsure if a relationship is for them. There are times I long for this perfect family... a husband, children... beautiful home.. the works.. but I thought Aaron and I would do that together... now 8 months later I REALIZE he is NOT coming back.... I can't imagine myself starting that dream again, only to have it crushed. It all seems so redundant...

The woman I am today compared to yesterday is completely different. I look at life as an opportunity and I don't dread waking up any longer. I attempt to seize every moment as if it were my last... there are days when I feel like I can't or I won't make it... when I feel like giving up... walking away... yelling ( sometimes I do) or crying... BUT... for some reason, whomever is watching over us feels I deserve to be here and gives me another day to try again... Hopefully when it's all over I will have a meaningful life to look back on.... with many adventures to speak about.. until then I'm just enjoying the ride!

Got damned Gary Brown and the rest of dem Browns.. Bobby Included!

2007-03-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Black People we must get a hold of our children while their young. Please refer to the profile below. This child is in SEVERAL of my son's classes. He is Bad.. In fact, he puts all 3 letters in bad. A few weeks back I took a surprise trip to MarQuin's school and sat in on his History class. Needless to say, Mr. Brown was not concerned about a parent entering the room. He continued his tirade in the classroom, while the teacher stood by helplessly watching. He and "Alex".. ( not a Brown, but a Castillo...which is the equivilant to a Brown! hahaha) decided it would be fun to tip the desks over while standing on them. MarQuin stayed silent in the classroom while the chaos erupted around him. ( He knew what was good for him) A clear depiction of a child that has an imbedded fear of his mother and what she might do. After about 15 minutes of listening/watching to various curse words and paper fly by my face I'd had enough!!!!!... I asked Alex if the desk he was standing on was his "seat". He replied yea and gave me a perplexed look. I responded in the harshest tone I knew, " GET YOUR ASS IN IT THEN!" ... Yea I cursed at someone else's kid, but hell... it's probably what THEIR parents need to be doing. I flashed a quick, dirty glance at Mr. Gary Brown and he cowered in his seat. If he were my son I'd beat the hell out of him for fun.. LOL Yup, pure, good ole child abuse...

So, today I am monitoring Quin's Myspace and I come across Mr. Brown's page...

..

.> GARY Pooh Pooh

..> ..> " I'll put a hole in all you niggas that fuck with me bitch"

Male
24 years old
Alabama
United States

..>..>
..>..>

">

This kid is 11... Do you hear me? 11... This shit scares the hell out of me. There is so much potential in these children, but unfortunately many of us were children when we had these children. We had no guidance or support, so now we must deal with those consequences. Now, I don't know what type of parents Gary has, but I intend to find out. It's not too late for him.. (hopefully) and all jokes aside, WE really need to focus on our kids... and EVERYTHING they do.

Peace.

Why the aren't I asleep?

2007-03-08T16:12:00.002-08:00

Current mood: restless
Category: Blogging

That's an excellent question. Usually during this time I am sound asleep, but for some reason I am up tonite. It could be simply because my son is sick and I am monitoring his breathing... or it could be because I can't get HIM off of my mind.

I don't want to say who HIM is... because it's like I've come full circle and I'm back to where I started. I really tried ya'll, but the truth is Life just isn't fun without HIM.... and the laughter isn't the same without HIM... funny thing is I am not trying to win him back... I just want HIM in my life somehow.. we are going out tomorrow... Hopefully all will go as planned. There are times I am lying in my bed and I can smell HIM all over me... I just want to lay my head on his chest... . .... Like I used to.. is that so wrong?

Why the aren't I asleep?

2007-03-08T16:12:00.001-08:00

the what the hell was i was thinking list

2007-03-08T16:11:00.001-08:00

Current mood: anxious
Category: Blogging

ok people no numbers today!this list is via my pocket pc...kinda cool....just made it to vegas!! the fun starts tomorrow....I'm headed to yung jeezys party as appollonia yes, I'm a sex shooter....In my quest for womandom....no...that aint a word!! I got my first bikini wax todayOUCH!I don't know what's worse....2 asian women with sissors and wax between my legs...or some strange asian gyno with a spectrum? either way they look like their having way too much fun...on the way up the hill of course there many sites to see...in 7/11 there was a white dude with 9 bucks worth of dimes and nickles....buying condoms..wft?hey....sometimes u gotta do what u gotta doI! seen a scion with a busted back window...the driver was kind enough to tape it up with a plastic bag and black tapethe poor bag was flapping around everywhere and why is there so much construction on the freeway, but aint no one constructin shit....have u ever seen a video with sub titles??? try that shit....I was working out the other night when why I'm hot came on u don't realize how super wack the lyrics are until u SEE them on the screen .....speaking of working out....round the way girls that just walk around the gym...knock it off!!while ur color coordinating work out gear is rather amusing...ur quest for attention is NOT! its a gym.not a club...well...its party time...ne body ready to get on their knees?lmao.....peace

For you.. The love of my life.

2007-03-08T16:10:00.001-08:00

For you.. The love of my life.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

Happy Valentines Day.
I remember it like it was yesterday... June 27,1995.....that was the day I was introduced to the love of my life for the first time. 9 months earlier I was working when I got the news. The telephone rang and I picked it up .... My life was changed forever. I was told you'd be arriving sooner rather than later....I had little time to prepare. The road traveled was rough...Many nights I laid alone awaiting your arrival....wondering what you'd be like.. if you'd love me....I was nervous.. and scared. I didn't know if I would be good enough for you. Then it happened... one hot morning in June....I started the day as I normally did... Breakfast... a little cleaning.. . 23 hours later I was looking into your eyes and it was love at first sight. I held you in my arms and promised to love you forever. You were absolutely beautiful... the way you looked up at me.. well, it took my breath away. That was the begining of our, now 12 year love affair. I will be the first to say, this love hasn't been easy. There are days when I've wanted to give up, but you ALWAYS give me a reason to keep going. You've showed me what it means to love unconditionally.... I can be angry with you, but it never lasts for long.. you'll look up at me with those familiar eyes and my heart melts everytime. I am sad on occassion ... I know you will leave me one day soon... or give your heart to another.... BUT... luckily I KNOW you and I have a bond that no one can break... for you are me and I am you... an extension of my soul... a continuing beat of my heart.... and when my loves ends on this earth... you, MY SON.. will forever be a branch extending my legacy. I love you. MOM

IF there was another way to love you....

2007-02-12T22:32:00.001-08:00

Will I be ok?
Interestingly enough I've had many conversations with Aaron lately. ( hope he doesn't mind my using his name) For the most part, they've been ok. No yelling or fighting about things past or unchangeable. He asked me today will I be ok if he decides to move on .... u know like a SERIOUS relationship. Emotionally, I don't know if I am ready to handle that. I've contemplated the OTHER woman several times over and it never turns out well. I end up fighting with myself and comparing some mystery woman to the real woman I am. Like I said, it NEVER turns out well. I love him. That fact remains. Doesn't matter about what's been said or done... good or bad.. for the last 5 years he's been my life. Sure, there are lots of things I would personally change. Looking back, it's probably for the best we're not together at this time. I needed to find Cherise. I needed to LOVE Cherise... Since our seperation, I believe I've accomplished that. So what now? Obviously I can't continue to live my life inside of this shell. I've semi dated a few men... all of which have turned into disasters... (with the exception of Churchie.. who is the homie of the Century.)...it appears I've managed to build this wall around my heart without even realizing construction was under way. Men don't understand who I am... many of the men I meet can barely hold a conversation with me... yet alone get the woman I am... and then I think, Well... maybe I am the problem. Am I comparing EVERY man I meet to Aaron? Could be. Or is it that I am not truly over this man? Am I holding onto any shread of memory we have in the attempt to keep him close? As previously mentioned... I love him. IF there was another way to love him and move on... I'd be on it... like white on rice...but..unfortunately, I've yet to master that technique. Aaron has successfully stood his ground by keeping his distance and for that I am appreciative. He has forced me to search deeper for meaning and validation within myself and NOT thru any other means. I am no longer dependant on another human being for my happiness... I do me!! Many times u can catch me walking alone, but in the words of B... "I'm known to walk alone for a reason".... lol :) I enjoy me in ways I'd never imagined possible.... but again. .... I MUST reiterate...that man (AJV).... has touched me DEEPER than any other PERSON on this earth ( besides my son) He doesn't have a hold on me, but he's left an impression of his soul on my heart. Who can ever lift that?

I think you're FUCKING pathetic!

2007-02-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

Just irritated...long DRIVE
Don't you wish your girlfriend was.... Ah REAL... LMAO

So my question is..........(DRUM ROLL PLEASE) How are you seeing someone if u NEVER see they ass???... and why are u always in my inbox with various complaints and ailments.. why do u say you will never love another like you love NOT loved me...? Hmmmm I'm randomly blurting out angry rants in my sleep... FUCK U.. I hate YOU.. Oh yea I love you.. I never WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH U again... Respect my life? And I will accept your gifts while giving bullshit in return.. Stop making yourself available to me.. if you truly don't want to KNOW me any longer.. Oh yea... Remember when I used....? Oh Yes you REMEMBER.. which is how u ended up behind me,(on that warm night....3 moons ago) in the red light... moaning and pulling my hair tight... u missed me until reality hit and you realized you'd just fucked yourself and I wasn't even in the room.. How about you pretend like I'm just a figmant of your imagination, that way when I call ( in one of my drunken states) you can pass it off as simply talking your imaginary friend...

Oh.. before I forget... That spell.. The one I cast upon your heart has been lifted.. U said your last "FUCK You" yesterday or was it the day before? I forget because they just keep rolling out... U plaster her images in places you KNOW I will look.. Looks like a ... oh... stop cherise, be nice.. she's cute and she has no idea.. HAHA yea she don't know, but you do, which makes u smarter and in a better postion... think hard.. back.. real hard to your VERY FIRST kiss... yea.. there was nothing there... u were just lonely.. let him go... it's his LOSS... Right? I see his beauty and all he sees is hoes in g strings.. or images of cum on the screen.. Hey... just my observations.. my perception in the place I call my reality... truth is I didn't love em hard enough and I didn't give all I had... so now that i'm 100% ... he's still 50% looking for another place to lay his head... in someone else's heart and start the cycle of breaking hers... hopefully for her sake he'll give her what I never got......

Respect, love, trust, honor and his heart.

And I leave u with this....

"You're so arrogant, you probably think this song is about YOU" ( NOT) Janet Jackson/Carly Simon

Vegas baby....
And another one... And Another one was how the drinks flowed... Strippers and strobe lights set the tone... surrounded by my people and yet I felt ALL ALONE... made it to the club..... dancing and moving to the sounds of reggae.. candles and red lights.. whispers in my ear begging for the right to get next to me at the end of the night... Sexy this, sexy that.... another drink.. yup it's wrap... 8 hours sleep (in 48 hrs), long drive home... thinking about u , listening to Mary Moan... I wanna be with, gotta be with u.. ohhh ooooo ....

Yea it was crazy from the get go cuz neither one of us was right... we moved to fast and crashed even harder... now I feel like I'm being held under water.. drowing ....won't you let me breathe.. I'm having a good time on the surface, but my pain remains to be seen..... WHY do I bother? Why do i CARE... It's over.. move on, next nigga; i'm on my back, staring at the ceiling.. wishing u were there... My heart is becoming colder as the days turn into nights and the nights into weeks... I starting to seek out revenge in men... I can't begin to understand how I got back here again... I went to get away... have a good day.. smiling and laughing... kissing and hugging.. but I'm still buggin.. wonderin' bout you and your new "boo"... fuck this shit! Bring me another drink and maybe I can see this thru...

PEACE,,,,

VEGAS WAS WILD . cjt 2007

Observations.. What I see

2007-01-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm laughing again...
This week seemed to drag on.. blah blah blah blah! But as always I've managed to find some humor in everyday life. Let's start with yesterday. I'm on my way to work, I get off the freeway and I see a big sign drapped in front of Weinersnitzel... OPEN FOR BREAKFAST! First thought, "Who the HELL eats chili dogs for breakfast?" So, me, curious George, decides to drive in for a closer look. I get in the drive-thru and take a look at the menu... eggs, bacon, croissants? WTF? All I have to say is I don't buy it... Stick to what you're good at.... CHILI DOGS...

I'm finally at work, settled in... then Kenitra asks if I want to go to the cafe... I don't have any cash, but decide to go anyway ( i mean, who turns down a free meal?) We're walking and all of a sudden I hear Madonna " Get into the groove, boy you've got to prove your love to me,....yeaaaa"... WTFFFFFFFFF! We get to the stop sign and see a man, not just any MAN! More like a 70ish man, on a bike... not just ANY BIKE.. a three wheeler with a helmet on and a flag. This fool has a boom box strapped to the back of the bike. I fell out. And for anyone that doesn't KNOW me... I laugh LOUD! Kenitra is like, you've never seen him before... helll nawwww!

I swear I'm NOT lying...
Wednesday night was super busy for me... (oh yea, SUPER is my new word for 07) After picking up Quin I ended up in Burlington Coat Factory... Opps WRONG PLACE FOR ME TO BE WITH MY CC. I didn't do too bad, I only spent $70... Ok, so the boy is SUPER hungry... he's damned near ready to pass out and bored as hell watching me shop! (hey he better learn to like it now because it won't get any easier when he grows up! lol) It's almost 8:30 and still need to get to the gym, so I decided to hit up Yoshinoya... as it doesn't compromise my health conscious ways.. LMAO!! We get inside and I run to the bathroom.... I come out and there is some guy talking to my son... Then he turns to me and says, "I got a high yella sista look just like you, cept she short! She mean too, like to fight!" Then he proceeds to demonstrate with his fists how she throws her punches. He had to be about 6 ft tall, my color and he only had two teeth in his mouth. The entire time I was on the phone with Trechelle... so please believe I am NOT making this shit up for fun.... Anyhow, he goes on to tell me his sister is married to Snoops uncle, Junebug..... he said he's been knowing Snoop since he was quin's size.... then he starts naming off all of Snoops brother's, Bing, Jerry... ect. ect... I'm trying my damnedest to ignore this clown, but he's drunk and relentless! I start walking to my car and he's following me... so I start fucking with him....I'm repeating everything he says.... so he tells me, "Your boy look like you, but he got his daddy's legs... yea he got his daddy legs and he act like him too...!" I asked him when was the last time he seen quin's daddy and he said, " I ain't! I just know!" I was cracking up! He looked at me and said," You a fine piece of work, yo husband is lucky! Now, give me a dollar fo some beer..." I fell out... but u know what, I gave his ass a dollar... cuz that shit was hella entertaining.... nothing better than a good laugh!

Well, it's a new weekend... I've already hit the gym this morning... getting ready to clean my house and head out.. It's going down tonight.... where will u be? Life's too short.. and in the words of my beautiful cousin, Kristin... Live, Laugh, Love... and no more fucking velour, short sets big gurls.... lotion those thighs... LOL LOL

PEACE!

A day in the life of Reese....

2007-01-14T12:10:00.001-08:00

There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's....hehe

Woke up this morning with a lot on my mind.. The night before had been totally out of control. I say this because anytime you find yourself doing something just for the sake of doing "it"... then in my opinion you're out of control. I learned a lot this week. #1 I Gotta Love me... I HAVE to, otherwise happiness will never be in me and I will NEVER be able to love or make anyone else happy. #2 the next man that comes into my life will have to WORK hard to get anywhere near my heart... and I plan to make him work... why should I be the sole supporter??

Later on I ran some errands... picked up MarQuin. He was going to his best friends bday party which just conveniently happened to be across the street from Aaron. No, I couldn't resist temptation.... gosh I love him... *Sigh* I did see him. He cut the hair off.... I liked the hair. But he's beautiful even so. It's truly amazing to me how this man, who was once my world, can sit right next to me as if I don't existat all... that still hurts, but I work through it... after some brief small talk... a look at MarQuin's report card following some uncomfortable silence, he exited my car and I drove away......I left my heart on his lawn..

After sitting on my couch for quite some time doing absolutely NOTHING I began browsing Myspace..then I decided to go out.. I called my sister, but she didn't answer... I called a few friends.. still no answer. I sat there for a moment more and said, "Fuck it! I am going out ALONE!" I headed to the shower... got dressed and out the door I went. When I got to the club I headed to straight to the bar...1st drink I was feeling relaxed... 2nd drink I was feeling GOOD.. 3rd drink I was on the dance floor sweating like a pig. I fucking love it! I felt sooo sexy and beautiful. Men were everywhere.. dancing with me... talking to me.. OK.. this wasn't so bad after all. Of course there is NOTHING that's going to come from anyone I met tonite.. but it was FUN... and I enjoyed ME.. and I didn't need any reinforcement from anyone else... by my 6th drink they were playing Bob Marley and I was STILL dancing.. When the lights came on I stumbled down the stairs. It took me a moment to regain my composure, but I made it safely to my car. I decided to stop at Denny's and have some breakfast. I figured that would give me a moment or so to sober up. It helped. I sat there alone people watching for about 30 minutes. Good thing my apt is just down the street from the club. I am at home now... in my pj's... writing this.. still a little tipsy, but I feel wonderful or like someone I know says.. FAN TAS TIC!

It's good to be 30 and look 21... it's even better that I am recognizing how wonderful I am... and I am relishing in my own glory...

Where is this going?

2007-01-11T08:35:00.000-08:00

GO to sleep Cherise....
Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Blogging

I didn't plan on starting out this New Year on a bad note... but as life has dictated so many times in the past... SHIT HAPPENS.... I met this guy named Kentin a little over a month ago... HE was cool like a summer breeze. We talked and eventually met and began to hang out. In my opinion, He was everything that I would want in a man. Mind you I wasn't forcing anything. In fact, I was careful to keep my distance and allow space and room to grow. As the weeks pressed on ... situations seemed to be leading in one direction. I noticed myself thinking about more than usual... so I stopped! Dead in my tracks I STOPPED! I didn't want to lead myself on or him. I definitely didn't want to find myself in a situation where I was going to end of up hurt. I'd been there all too many times in the last 4 years to last a lifetime! I decided to try something totally from the norm ( at least for me).... I decided to xpress these feelings I was develoing. Basically, I told him I didn't feel comfortable having sex with him without knowing where this was going. I wasn't asking for a commitment, but I know I am not the type to sleep with him and the next man simultaneously..... and I'm also not into sharing ( at least men). I didn't know what to expect from him.

Well, I will tell you what I got... a bunch of bullshit lines! The usual I think we should be just friends bullshit... thus which prompted my previous blog. This totally hurt my feelings because I honestly thought he was a good guy. He was a complete gentleman from the start... well that all changed. Gone was MR. Nice Guy and enter Mr. Asshole. I attributed this change partially to the conversation we'd had on Sunday. I'd spoken with a few close male friends who'd brought a lot of points to light... then I'd been enlightened even more so by a few close female friends. I'd realized maybe I'd jumped the gun.... maybe he actually wasn't leading me on and I was just a little overly sensitive. SO I apologized as did he. I decided to continue a friendship with him.

Today.....
He started the conversation via text message this morning... it continued on all day long. We talked and talked... he actually has great conversation. We got on the subject of us... I mentioned to him I am NOT interested in changing him... my only goal is to provide him with a different experience.. I didn't expect anything... conversation continues on... and on into a sexual nature. He proceeds to tell me that he will not be engaging in any sexual contact with me because I am just too emotional... WHOA... I let it go by playfully responding... " I don't think you really want to do that"... and on goes the convesation... at some point the conversation took a wrong turn. I was dryly joking with him and he was taking it serious... ( oh boy does that sound familiar)... so I stop him DEAD IN HIS FUCKING TRACKS!!!

"Look, (I say)... I don't NEED u to fuck me nor anyone else.. there are plenty of men that WANT ME... " He responds, "Now u sound like a light skin gurl".... Ok... I'm tired of this shit .... First, he has some personal vendetta against light skin gurls... He believes we have bad attitudes and think we are entitled... SLOW THE FUCK DOWN BROTHA! First off! I don't feel I am entitled to anything.. I work EVERYDAY.. Secondly, I try and treat people as I wish to be treated... My attitude has nothing to do with the fact that I am light skinned.

Ok, so now he's mad... (although claiming NOT to be) He's threatening to insult me... (saying he won't but he can) I politely remind him how immature that is and advise him I've done NOTHING to him... He says... "well... I didn't say u did, but you're annoying me by asking the same question and making the same statements.."( he is referring to the not having sex with me part)... Ok... big misunderstanding.. I was joking and laughing.. shit, he laughed too...

How did we get here?
Don't know ... what I do know is I log onto Myspace and he's deleted me from his list.. LMAO .. Wow that is immature.. WTF? He's showing me.. I mean, I could say a lot of things right? But guess what I learned tonight...

#1. I still LOVE Aaron

#2. I am beautiful, intelligent and way too good to be treated like shit

#3.SOME Men are fucking immature!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#4.My heart no longer exists

#5.I am just fine being ALONE

#6.Never reveal too much too soon

#7. Never put too much into one person.. you'll always be let down (thanks Arlyn)

#8.Most people take my kindness for a weakness.

#9. I knew I didn't want to get on his bad side... HA!

So with that being said... I guess it's safe to say he won't be speaking to me anymore.. I told Joyce today was going to be a horrible day.... LMAO

P.S. Hey K... Thanks for the VS... ;) I will think of u everytime I put them on... LMAO

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It's not you... it's me...

2007-01-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

Someone PLEASE point me into the right direction. I can't, for the life of me fathom WHY I keep continuing to meet men that A. Are Liars and B.Want to Lie to me like I'm a fucking idiot and C. Think they can get away with hurting me without any consequence. In the begining I am smart, beautiful and cool to be around... but as soon as anything remotely intimate happens or the "conversation" tends to sway in the direction of ..."Where are we going with this".... I hear the same bullshit lines. I am sick and fucking tired of draining my life energy with idiots...!! Now, some may argue that this is a conscious choice I make... and that may very well be true, HOWEVER... by the time you've figured out they are liars and idiots it's too late... or you've already fallen in love with them.

I've been told I give too much too soon... or I reveal too much too soon. Ok, for the sake of arguement maybe I do. Just because I don't have some down low, alterior motive to dig into your pockets or trap you into becoming my husband doesn't mean I deserve to be walked on like a door mat! And so what if I let my emotions hang freely upon my shoulder for everyone to see. Is it a crime to be honest and forthcoming with exactly what I want and don't want? Furthermore, once I lay down my intentions isn't a man obligated to act accordingly to those intentions?

For example, If I tell you in the begining a casual fling is NOT an option, shouldn't YOU BE MAN ENOUGH to walk away if that's all you're looking for? It seems much worse to dip your spoon in the pudding for a taste and then leave the container open and exposed .... half eaten for the next person to come along. Leave well enough alone.

What's wrong with me?
I've entertained this question time upon time. Intially, I've pondered if losing weight would change my circumstances.. well, I've been at this gym thing for almost 5 months and nothing has changed except my physical appearance. Ok, well then emotionally I'm just fucked up. I've been through entirely too much in my short time on earth... maybe my mind has just had enough... Maybe, no one will ever get me. So I ask myself....

Cherise, do you love yourself? ( silence)

He, they, or them never will if you don't. True words. Easier said than done.

Black men... Grow up!
You can't spend your lives running from real commitments and love. Hiding in dark rooms for hours playing PS2 or 3... until you can't see straight. Your boys aren't be there when your 50 and your back goes out... She will.. if u give HER a chance... life if supposed to get easier as we age. In my opinion, MOST black men my age are more immature, lazy and simply irresponsible than when I was 18 years old! Notice I said MOST not all. Unfortunately, the small percentage that are about anything are either GAY.. taken, or not tall enough (lol), just joking... I'm really not that superficial. This shit sucks... And I give up.... Period, at least for now.

Another End to another year and yet I get better list

2006-12-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

1.What the hell happened to the last 364 days?

2. I swear it was just March

3. You know the song "Funny How time flies when you're having fun".... Oh Yea Almost forgot this part... "oooh babay"lol

4. Where do I start?

5.Moved back to Cali... Good or bad decision?

6.At this point I would have to say good... no great. I've accomplished a lot.

7.I have the best job I could ask for right now

8.Aaron and I are DONE!

9.Single = lonely, horny, cautious, did I say lonely and sometimes fun

10. the men I meet NEVER cease to amaze me

11.poetry book is finished! Any publishers out there???

12.baby daddys suck cock! nuff said

13. the impala is a dream and too fast for my passengers..sorry churchie!

14. turned 30 in May and it's definitely been flirty for the most part...still waiting on the increased sex drive. it comes and goes

15."Time to question our lifestyle, look how we live
Smokin weed like it ain't no thang, so even kids
wanna try now, they lie down and get ran through
Nobody watched 'em clockin the evil man do
Faced with the demons, addicted to hearin victims screamin
Guess we was evil since birth, product of cursed semens
Cause even our birthdays is cursed days" Tupac, Better Dayz"

16. That verse gets me everytime!

17. Why is it we only feed the needy during the holidays... ??

18.What, they ain't hungry the rest of the fucking year?

19. My son is in Jr High now... one the highlights of my year was being there on the 1st day school...

20. I didn't cry until I got to the car. The whole time I was remembering my 1st day of Jr. High

21.My mother was in the hospital with Cancer.... It's funny how some memories are sooo vivid

22. I used to feel so alone when I was his age and so out of place

23.My son is soo opposite ( I hope)

24.Everyday gets a little more easier.... in terms of letting him grow up.

25. Damn,... how the hell did 11 years just fly by??

26.Highlights of 2006... so Many...

27. The day I got the keys to my new apartment.... WHEW that was a long 6 months

28. The day I got the keys to my 06 Impala.. Good job Reese

29.The surprise party I gave Aaron... Seinfeld cake was outta this world... PRICELESS.

30.Being promoted at work.... because I deserved it..... shit!

31. Meeting ALL the wonderful new friends....

32. Churchie...."Now what I like about you,
is that your always so cool and comfortable
whenever im around
your someone I can talk to no, matter what im going through
im calling you cause i know you'll always be down
see what we had is so incrediable
that well never find it in anyone else
this thing that we share is so unbeliveable
that I want you all to myself" Musiq ...Forthenight

33.Kentin..."Turn me inside out
Make my heart speak ,need no one else
You're all I need ,Personality
Everything you do
Makes me love ,Everything 'bout you
Your smile, your style, is so fly
I can't deny
I gotta crush on you
And that's true indeed
And I'm diggin you
You make me believe " Aaliyah.. "One in a million"

34. Arlyn...."Whenever I'm down, I call on you my friend
A helping hand you lend, in my time of need
So I, I'm calling you now, just to make it through
What else can I do?
Won't you hear my plea" Brandy... Best Friend

35. D-e-e.... "I seen a rainbow yesterday
but too many storms have come and gone
leavin' a trace of not one god-given ray
is it like my life is 10 shades of grey?
i pray all 10 fade away
seldom praise Him for his sunny days
And like His promise is true
only my faith can undo
the many chances I blew
to bring my life to anew
clear blue and un-conditional skies
have dried the tears from my eyes
no more lonely cries"... TLC Waterfalls

36. Kenitra... "Nobody wants to fall
But we fall sometimes
Then you are there to catch us all
Everytime
You look beyond all my faults
Cuz you know I need
Another chance to get it right
You forgive me cuz I try" Mary Mary... I try

37. Teddy..."Attention
This is a interruption
Stay tuned for a message from the Godson
Jam, whoa Jam
Jam, jam, jam for me, Teddy
(Teddy's jam, yo)
Jam it jam, Teddy
Hey, ew, oh yeah " Guy.. Teddy's Jam Part III

38.Kai...."Anytime you feel the need
Call me when you're lonely
Cause everybody needs a friend
And I'll be yours if you're lonely
(And if you're all alone)
If you're all alone
And a friend you need
Like a river flows
You hurt, I'll bleed
If you can trust in me
We can find a way
Take away the pain
Time heals all things
Even a lonely state of mind
'cause happiness is oh so hard to find
If you're lonely I will be there " Janet... Lonely

39. I should have Arlyn make a mix of all those songs together.. That would be DOPE ( yup I said DOPE in 06, WHAT?)

40. Lately I've been thinking about all of the people who've touched my life...

41. Trechelle & Teri...."(What y'all want?)
Unconditional Love (no doubt)
Talking bout the stuff that don't wear off
It don't fade ..It'll last for all these crazy days
These crazy nights
Whether you wrong or you right
I'm a still love you
Still feel you ...Still there for you
No matter what (hehe)
You will always be in my heart
With unconditional love " 2pac Unconditional Love

42. Shamika.... "Love will be right here
Be right here , Right Here
Be Right Here
No fears , Have no fear
No tears, Love is here " SWV... Right here

43. Willie and Nakia... "Anytime you need a friend
I will be here ..You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright
When the shadows are closing in
And your spirit diminishing
Just remember you're not alone
And love will be there
To guide you home " Mariah Carey Anytime u need a friend

44.My Teejie...."I'm just playin the wall, I'm just playin the wall
Coolin with my niggaz on the right, hold tight
Late Friday night strobelight shine bright blind
Coolin at this party with the sugars on my mind
It's the sex patrol, the sex patrol
Yeah the young sis was stacked wicked, wanted me to kick it
Said I never dance, made advance outside
Took a glance to expect, Shorty was correct
so it seemed, her name Shavon, age seventeen
I flipped when I seen her eyes, bloodshot green
She said she wanted riches and a nigga with cash
Lex Land' or a Path', didn't know the half
I react to flip the script and get ill
My man Malik B kept telling me to relax
Diggin how you're livin on some unreal high
as I realize -- you're not that fly ".. The Roots U ain't Fly... ;)

45.and Aaron..."I wouldn't call in the midnight hour
I wouldn't tuck you in and turn the nightlight out
You would walk through the door and I wouldn't say hi
I would walk out the door and wouldn't say bye-bye
It's funny that I never thought about it that way
I never knew the things that I did not say
But you were lonely and you were hungry
And I was living in my own world
Thinking I'm a perfect lady

You should've told me
I wasn't small enough
You should've told me
I didn't call enough
But you led me on
And kept me going
And we never should've wasted this time
You should've told me
I wasn't wild enough
You should've told me
I didn't smile enough
What you had in my mind
Made me lose my mind
And we never should've wasted this time " Kelly Price.. U should've told me

46.So there it is.. My contribution to the end of 2006

47. to all the greats who passed this year... Gerald Levert, James Brown, Lou Rawls, Coretta Scott King... U will be missed

48.Hey, did anyone KNOW that Lionel from the Jeffersons died.. he was only 57... DAMN

49. 2006 was a year of growth for me.... I learned a lot.. joined the gym... started a new career.. finished my poetry book.. made some new friends.. moved on... and learned to LOVE ME...

50. In 2007.. I plan to be even sexier... Way too sexy for myspace in fact..(lol) I plan to travel and see the world... See ya there.. Happy New Year... Love, Cherise

Ummm Hmmm...

2006-12-22T09:00:00.001-08:00

I miss u already...
Isn't it amazing how people come in and out of our lives in the strangest ways, yet impact us in a huge way? I met someone about a month ago who was really the business. Smart, funny and not to mention drop dead gorgeous ( that always helps). But what made this wonderful man so amazing is that he made me feel absolutely beautiful. I so needed that right now in my life. He always called without me asking.. he always addressed me in the sweetest way and he made me LAUGH! I love it! I am so blessed that he crossed my path to become a life friend and although he's left my life physically for the time being... I am not sad at all. I feel like I was supposed to meet him.... So, Churchie... I will see u soon... have fun, stay blessed... and most of all stay YOU.. cuz you are wonderful... and Oh yea.. Gary ain't shit! hahahaha!

New beginings....

I'm learning to be beautiful, wonderful and cherished. Sometimes as women, we lose ourselves in low self esteem & the societal pressures on what beauty should be. The truth is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder... but the eyes need to begin with us. If we don't believe we're beautiful no one else will. It doesn't matter if you're skinny or big... short or tall, light or dark.. there is something about each and every one of us that is lovely... I put my faith and strength in the hands of a man.... and I lost myself as well as him. I've learned that my strength comes from inside...and my faith solidifies that strength. I believe in me and I KNOW that I am beautiful inside and out... and I GLOW!!! Even though I've hurt, abused, replaced and refused... I am still me.. and being Reese is something I never want to give up again. EVER!

Merry Christmas!
TO everyone that has touched my life.... my body and my soul... friend or foe.. Have a Merry Christmas..

Love, Cherise

Emotionally Challenged>Emoshunalee Chalungd

2006-12-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

She say, he say, they say... no one understands.

I do this to myself everytime I see him! I get emotional for no rational or legitmant reason... At least that is what all of my males friends think. I go over to his house last night because WE bought MarQuin a customer Bam Margera skate board that needs to be put together. We'd discussed this before hand and he agreed to put it together. Ok, No problem. I can do this w/o incident, right? WRONG! I get there and I have MarQuin call him because I truly TRY to avoid everything about HIM. He comes out and I get out of the car. I go to the trunk and I notice he is coughing. Now, this is NOT just an ordinary cough.. it's one of those rough, deep, heavy smoker kinda of coughs. I'm always concerned about him because RARELY does he go to the doctor... I mean, come on it's only been since July that we officially broke up ... FOR GOOD according to HIM. I still have many unresolved feelings for him. I comment on the cough and he says he's almost better... ( I think, yea right) more small talk follows. I mention New Years Eve and he immediately goes into this spew about he is going to be with "someone"... OK.. AND... slow down guy.. I didn't ASK you officially to go anywhere with me, I simply mentioned it. Doesn't he fucking care that this shit is EXTRA hard on me. He's been with me the last 3 Holiday seasons... He fucking proposed to me on New Year's Eve 2004... I realize I hate him ( ok more anger)
Well, needless to say that pisses me off big time. I get in my car and drive off! I get home and drop off Quin. I'm heading to the gym .... while I am driving the anger is just seething. ( side note.... i have a major problem holding onto unresolved anger) See, the reason I am even upset is WHY does he continue to tell me about HER? He's sent pics and made comments... OK I get it.. You're NOT coming back.. boo hoo wah wah... Poor Cherise is still in love... NOT... I love him ... but I'm not in love... and consequently I have dated since we've broken up... Anyhow, I call him and ask why does he feel the need to constantly through this random chic up to me? He knows I still love him... he knows I'm not over the situation... SO why for the love of god does he fucking torture me???
We're now in a full fledged arguement in which he proceeds to go through the list of all the shit he hates about me and OH yea how much of a hypocrite I am. For the sake of being fair to HIM... I will EXPOSE myself for who I truly am. For 3 years I have been friends with a dancer/stripper whatever u want to call him. I have confided in this person and there was even a time where we'd be together behind Aaron's back. Essentially nothing was going as far as intimately... That all changed 3 months ago. It was a one time thing that ended up in a disaster. Now, I am sure Aaron will agree I don't need to go into specifics, but it was pretty bad. I am actually ashamed of the entire situation. I confided in Aaron because #1 I trust him and #2 I didn't have anyone else to confide in at the time...
Again he is GREAT at throwing things up in my face. Next, he brings up Kevin.. who lives in Fucking Vegas.. HELLO.. ain't nothing happening with that! Finally, he discloses he is a subscriber to my blog and therefore KNOWS for a fact I've been involved with at LEAST 4 men.
Setting the record straight!

Yes I slept with Chris... Yes I have met apprx. 4- 5 men.. only 2 of which I've even SEEN... the rest I've talked to on the phone.. Yes, I was friends with Kai, but that's it! No I am NOT sleeping with 4 men.. Yes I seen Kevin a total of 2 times all of about 5 minutes because the rest of the time I was asleep in his bed... I went to Vegas to party! Yes, I would drop everything I am currently doing to have the family I desire.... HE promised we would work it out once I moved.. He said he needed time and there was no one else... NOW... all of a sudden there is SOMEONE...Ok we're YELLING ... or I am yelling. Actually he never broke his tone. I guess that is an indication that he is really "done with me" I hate him I say.. I wish he were dead... ( I didn't mean it) Since I am setting the record straight it is only fair to mention that I have been nothing but honest with HIM... and at no time am I asking him to consider reconciling... I am just asking for honesty.. which is what I should have gotten from the begining. It's not the point that he is moving on... but he's lied and then he throws it in my face to hurt me... INTENTIONALLY. Thus the comment he made.. "Cherise I can fuck u whenever I want.. I can have u whenever I want" WOW... That is simply too much power!

Bombs over Bagdad!

Several hang-ups and insults later.. he calmly says, "Cherise, my girlfriend is coming here for a week... we plan to get pregnant during this week... then next month I will be moving into HER home... lastly we will be married in the summer"... I'm sitting in the Gym locker room when he says this. I remember my face becoming very hot... then the tears dropped one by one until they overflowed like a flooded river. WHAT? Is this the same woman you've met once? The same person you really don't know.. What happened to that song and dance about you need to get you together.. You want to OWN something and you could never just marry some random broad?? HUH? Who the fuck am I talking to.. you have to be kidding me. I wanted to say KNOCK it off Aaron... stop playing? We just passed our one year anniversary for losing our twin baby girls... Remember me, Cherise? Pooh? Phatty? Do u recall where you've been for the last 4 years.. close your eyes and think back to our 1st Christmas or our 1st kiss...Sunday breakfast.. Midnight Walmart runs... ice cream and chocolate syrup? My poetry.. My eyes... my heart... the surprise party I gave u with the Seinfeld cake... The night u asked me to be your wife? What happened? How will she KNOW you like I know u..... How can you hurt me like this... for every bad moment, there have been 1000 wonderful moments... Remember when I lost the babies and we went to the zoo... I was in so much pain, but you did everything you could to make me feel good. We were standing in front of that big ass rhino, when this lady came up and said, You guys make a beautiful couple... who are u? Now I am NOT your family.. MarQuin in NOT your son. I'm in awe at your indifference...
( this is what I wanted to say.. but I didn't, instead I spewed off some angry rants)

I'm doing just fine.

Today was a slow, horrible day. I cried a million times. I listened to Arlyn tell me I am beautiful and loved and wonderful... ( love yourself cherise) Truthfully, Aaron and I don't work. But as a woman, I've always hoped we could.... WHY? Because I love him so... he is the best part of me in the worst way. He KNOWS me when I've lost who I am. He grounds me when I fly too high in the clouds. He has the right to move on... and I have the right to be hurt. I fell so hard today. I left work early and went for a drive... ended up at LBCC...then at the gym. I worked out until I almost passed out. Then I came home and cooked for my little boy. He is my everything. HE is WHO I should live for... but what happens when he grows up and leaves me too... will I be back in this dark place again? I am thinking the only way to release HIM from this hold he has around my heart is to leave California...separate myself completely from him. Then my mind says tells me this isn't very realistic. Whoa... this is hard. Who knew he would really leave....

Here I go again.

2006-12-10T19:40:00.000-08:00

Too good to be true....
It always feels the same....

I've been giving myself room to grow as of late. Attempting to accept it's over between "HIM" and I .... and allowing room for moving on. I will say with every day, the pain gets a lil easier to deal with. I met this really beautiful man. So beautiful in fact, that I almost wonder if he's too good to be true. I do this to myself a lot.....you know, second guess myself.... I Wonder WHY does he like me... and then it happens all over again...I get hurt over thinking the situation and letting a perfect opportunity pass me by. I'm so goal orientated right now and even though I sing that song and dance about I don't want a man... or need a man.. it's a BIG FAT LIE! Sorry.... I think I've said this before... this is not my area of honesty.

His smell on my pillow.
Now, back to this beautiful man. For the sake of anonymity, I will leave all names out of this blog, but my Arlyn KNOWS exactly what's up.... ( ya'll know he's taking over my page... gotta love Arlyn... he's a real sweetie...even when he doesn't GIVE ME MY WAY...) LMAO Ok, I'm focused now. Anyhow, this man makes me laugh like no other I've met as of yet... he's tall and an absolute vision of perfection. Problem is circumstances as they may will prevent us from spending any time for quite some time. The time I've spent hanging out with him and talking on the phone has been real cool. HE doesn't expect anything from me and I like that. He isn't NOSEY or ask any questions about my ex... although he is a big scardy cat when it comes to fast driving on slick, wet roads.. ;) I like him, but I'm hiding it real well. I don't like getting attached.. (refer back to the crush on you know who... and u see how that turned out). I would like to get closer to him, but I've already judged and juried him. Some of you may not know what that means, so let me explain. He's gorgeous... he's successful and women are abundant in his world... How could I EVER make a difference in his life? ( there I go second guessing myself again) He makes me feel so beautiful next to him.. and he smells so fucking good. Sometimes you men don't know how far little things can go with a woman. Honestly, his sense of humor is what got me..... the laughter is what I really need now in my life... the space to grow and the opportunity to be just Cherise ( Reese). I truly believe he can give me that.... Guess my timing is off again ( so what's new?).

This morning....
I felt strange . I missed "HIM"... but I wanted to get closer to "HIM". I backed off and shut down. Was I wrong? Did I give too much of myself too soon.. or did I give too little?... either way it goes... "Every time I try to leave something keeps holding me back" It's my choice... so do I see any traveling on my horizon...?

I can't make this shit up yo!

2006-12-06T23:21:00.001-08:00

Wtf Long Beach.... The gym...

So I am at the gym doing my thang.. like I do everyday after work. I'm on the eliptical machine listening to my Janet when I notice Mr. Buff come strutting passed me. Dude is about 5'8, milk chocolate... more head than face and WHY black people WHY does he had a fade with a slicked down perm? WHY? He was hella buff.. so buff that it looked like someone injected him with SUPER steriods. I thought the veins may pop at any moment... besides his obvious unattractiveness I noticed the gear. Dude had on what appeared to be some suede mocassins and a suede vest to match... with some nike swishy pants... LMAO... Of Course I laughed....OUT FUCKING LOUD... Not to mention fake ass J-lo with the short shorts, who continues to walk past the weight lifters with her minimal boodie poked out....Oh yea, anorexic skinny chic is still hungry and weighing herself after every exercise attempt... we now have another chic that comes in the gym fully dressed and strips down to her hawaiian red biker shorts and half top right at the machine.. leaving her pile of clothes right there on the floor... Take yo ass to the locker room....I can't take much more....

Dating....
I've had some funny escapades lately... so funny that I won't even put anyone on blast, but you know who u are! Come on brotha's be honest, up front and sober when u meet me.... If I meet one more dude that's drunk, slurring...lying, crying...ect., ect., I'm gonna scream. I will say that dude from New York is Cool as a summer breeze.. When we met in person....I was impressed... And Church.... U sexy boy u sexy!! Too bad you're leaving for the ATL.. but we'll keep in touch.. Hopefully we can hang out again.... cuz u keep me laughing...glad I hustled your number at the HOB.. ;) My other friend... circumstances prevent anything more at this time... and every one else...I'm just having fun watching time fly and nigga's lie... LMAO

Pimps and ten speeds....
After the gym this evening I go to the gas station ( AS I'm Almost out of gas!)...I'm pumping my gas while the sounds of Jodeci serenade the brisk, night air.. suddenly I notice this strange apparition on the horizon... PLEASE black people... PLEASE! Understand I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP... I put the gas hose back on the pump and stepped away as to get a closer look... What do I see.??.. A slender figure resembling a cross between Snoop Dog and Cat Williams. He has a freshly curled perm with a top hat on ( as seen on Cat williams) a brown FUR coat & he's riding a yellow and blue ten speed fully equipped with yellow tennis balls in the spokes. I noticed he was carrying crutches ( WHY, I think to myself, would he be riding a bike AND carrying crutches, is he delivering them? Does he need them? Can't be if he is riding the bike) To finish off his distinctive look he adds a blunt in his mouth and proceeds through the intersection with caution .... allowing everyone around to bask in his glory.... Once Again.. I laughed.. OUT FUCKING LOUD... What the hell is going here. Why can't there be any normal people walking around? I'm done.. I really am!

1day down... forever to go!

2006-12-05T09:06:00.000-08:00

The realist shit I've ever wrote!

I've come to realize that writing is my savior. This gift I have for bringing words together into thoughts has literally kept me alive. Lately I've been very aware of myself and the person I was, am and striving to be... So I want to share some things that maybe I've never shared before... It may get a little deep.

I don't believe I've been the greatest person to a lot of people in my life. I think I started out as a caring, loving, honest person, but somehow down the line the baggage got too heavy. The memories are too deep and the anger resonates too close to the surface. I used to kiss my son everyday! I would hug him and tell him, " I love you more than the whole wide world"... Now I feel so far away from him. I hold back when I know I shouldn't. I kissed him for the first time in some years the other night. And I know right now is when he NEEDS me to be right there next to him. I don't know what happened?

Maybe it started with my lack of self love. That's why I had him in the first the place. So I could have love... fill a void.... be complete. Instead, I took on a responsibility I wasn't mature enough to handle. In the process my child suffered. Only recently have I begun the process of mending what is torn. I am sorry Marquin.. you deserved better than me. I don't think I've been a terrible mom.... but I know that I could've done a helluva lot better. The fortunate aspect of this is that my baby is only 11, so I still have time to LOVE him like he needs to be loved and teach him the right things.

Why did this happen to me?
When I was 16 I was raped.( not the 1st time and not the last time)but this situation I remember vividly. I was out there on the streets. Living with a man who was 4 years my senior and truly took advantage of my youth. For a long time I believed a lot of what happened to me back then was my own fault. I should've stayed home with my mom and my family. Something inside of me raged. I was angry and hurt and I felt so unloved. I never thought I was pretty and the only time I experienced relief was when I laid with a man. There was a boy... his name was Roosevelt Lett (this is my experience, so yes I am using REAL names) he was a year older than I. At the time he was the hottest thing walking. He was tall, 6'6 and beautiful. Whenever I had problems with my current boyfriend he was who I ran to ( some things NEVER change). One night, Isaac was acting really bad. He made me leave and I had no where to go. So I walked until I couldn't walk anymore, then I decided to call Roosevelt. He told me I could come to his house. He was living with his dad at the time and he really didn't care if he had girls over there. I got there and I was tired. Now, Roosevelt had a tendancy to be abusive to me, but I never really cared and I honestly don't know why. This night in particular he was really acting strange. He'd pulled my hair and thrown me into a wall. Maybe he was drunk or high... I don't know.... All I recall is at some point his father came home. He seen me sitting on the couch and commented on how beautiful I was. A few hours passed and Roosevelt comes to me and says I can't stay unless I do his father a favor. I was confused, but then I realized what he meant. There was NO WAY I would ever do that. So I began to grab my jacket and prepare myself for another night of wandering. Then he grabbed me... Next thing I know... I'm face down on a mattress. I could feel the pain spreading throughout my body. For a moment I thought I'd die. I couldn't breathe and when it was all over.. I was bleeding... crying and alone. I gathered my clothes and what was left of my dignity and I ran. When I got home I remember Isaac asking what happened to me. I remember him looking at me strange as if he knew instantly what happened. He put me in the shower and washed me. He vowed to murder whomever did this to me.. he apologized for making me leave.... he declared his love....all I remember thinking was no one loves me... this is all I am and all I am ever going to be. It seemed true... then.

Growing up.....
As I progressed on into Adulthood my anger grew seemingly more by the day. I remember my early 20s as countless fight after fight... non-stop arguements with my mom, strangers or friends. The men in my life never changed. There was always some abusive aspect to any relationship I was involved in, whether it be physical, mental or emotional. I don't believe as women, we realize how many different forms of abuse there are... and most times we inflict this abuse on ourselves... unknowingly. Right after I turned 25 I went through an emotional break-down. People close to me were dying.... I wasn't financially stable... I was here and there... looking and searching for something or anything to ground me. I decided to move to Las Vegas and it was the best decision I'd ever made.

I lived in Las Vegas for four years. During that time I settled into a comfortable life. I worked and took care of my son. I enjoyed the atomosphere and the people. It's during this time I met some of my closet friends. I learned how to be responsible and depend on me. I was a long road..... it's also where Aaron and I began. And who could ever forget Joseph. It wasn't always easy for me because my past always seemed to haunt me and hinder my progress. One of the hardest moments I've ever experienced was the day my nephew died. I was there.... watching this little innocent baby die. I seen him take his last breath and then it was quiet. At least in my mind because there were sounds of crying and screaming in the background, but all I heard was silence. I remember thinking how selfish I felt and relieved at the same time. I knew he wouldn't feel any pain anymore... but I know he deserved so much more. I felt like maybe I didn't do my part. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to him... maybe there was something I could've have done to make his life a little better. I wondered if my sister felt the same thing. And although we're not sisters by blood... we're sisters in pain, life and experience. I probably lost a piece of me that day.... something I can never get back.

My friends...... More like my family.
There are so many people that I've met and mingled with, good and bad. This is for those who are still around.... today.. hanging in there with my ups and downs. Let me name the people I am referring to... ( Trechelle, Teri, Shamika,Willie, Nakia,Saraan, Joe, Jermon, My Teej & Arlyn too)
I am sorry for the times I've lied to you or hurt you. For anytime I wasn't supportive or I talked behind your back or betrayed you in any way. I am thankful to have you in my life. Many of you have been here since the begining and watched me "evolve"... some of you are just begining to understand who I am. I love you all, more than these words can express. I only hope that as I grow older you all will be there with me on this journey. I want to be a better friend and a better person. Starting today as I can't make up for yesterday. We've had some wonderful times together.... and many more to come... .Reese

My family, ( mom, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.......
Many of you don't know me through no fault of your own, but there is always time to get to know me. It's a two way street. There is a saying, "Never judge a book by it's cover"... there is so much to explore within my chapters. Trust me! I am not exempt from this as well. I understand I need to spend time with my mother... and invite my sisters to do more with me.. but I need you to meet me half way.... sometimes I'm lonely and I have no one to turn to.. sometimes I want to die and I don't know why... sometimes I just want to say hey, I love you.. but I don't know how.. be patient with me as I grow and I will grant you the same courtesy.... my past is not my future.... Cherise

And Aaron.....
Where do I begin? There is so much I want to convey, but not enough time to do it. I want you to know that it wasn't all you and you weren't horrible. I've lied to you about unforgiveable things. I am sorry. I can't give you what you need and I can't make you happy... this is partly due because I don't love me and I don't make me happy. I wish you love, happiness and success. I wish I could instantly give you back what I took away. It wasn't your fault you walked into a black hole searching for the light. I understand clearly now what I have to do. The chapter titled, " Cherise and Aaron" is now closed. I only hope there can be a sequel.... one day. But not today.
In the future I hope to be able to sit down with you and talk... about nothing. Just life... not the past or the hurts or the pain, but just talk... like the friends we should've been. I won't continue to burden you with my roller coaster of emotions. Just know... that I know... one day it will be ok.
oh.. by the way.. I love u.

Cherise Joy Thomas.......
I'm breathing now.

Ugly people.

2006-11-29T20:43:00.001-08:00

Here's the deal. I've been to SEVERAL Myspace pages and before I start my rant, let me just say this... I don't think or feel I am the finest or the most attractive woman on Myspace, but dammit I'm close! LOL

Recently I've noticed a lot of myspacers are claiming to be bringing sexy back--------> NOT! You know damned well if you have an ugly ass friend that is up to no good. Stop pumping these unattractive trolls up, making their heads BIGGER than what they are.... then I'm forced to write shit like this. I have much better things to write about, but if I see one more ugly ass woman or man with a title that says, "I'm about to bring Sexy back"... dammit, Imma scream! It's bad enough I have to deal with the pompous, arrogant, napoleon complex negros approaching me like I should be thrilled to be in their presence. We don't need anymore naked 300 pounders, showing off their stretch marks with thongs and high heels on.... That's where I draw the line! True enough, beauty is in the EYES of the beholder, but come on people, everyone ain't beautiful.. There has to be some balance!

So, here's my advice. If you have an ugly friend or even a not so attractive friend, who insists upon sharing their unattractiveness with the world... Tell them to KNOCK IT OFF! Be honest with your friends... I know I'm not perfect ... and just today, Lomies ( the homie) told me I need to up the squats so my ass can lift up just a little bit more.. Now I appreciated that... I work out 4 times a week...BUT I think I will add one more day.. just for ass lifting work! Hey, if you can't be honest with your friends... then what the hell can you be?

Have a good week... Bitches... LMAO

It all comes back to love...

2006-11-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

I'm SUPER tired. Been driving for like 7 hours back from AZ and then I hit up Walmart...
Well, I made it home for Thanksgiving and let me tell you, I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME. It's amazing to be around people that you haven't seen for years, but connect automatically when you do come back together... I guess that's why it's called Family. My cousins, Rob, Ryan and Kristin are my joys. WE had a ball... My cousin, Rob is like my other half and we have the tatts to match ;). I feel like I belong when I am with them. And there is nothing more hilarious than my grandmother! 75 years is a long time to be on the earth, so in my book she's entitled to talk shit.

I will say there was one piece missing in my Thanksgiving puzzle and that was Aaron. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel with this being our first Holiday away from one another in 3 years, but I got thru it ok. He did send a few texts to me and I appreciated that. I keep him close to my heart and that way I don't feel so alone. Well, I hope everyone had a great holiday!
My next stop is Chi- Town in about month.. Watch out Teej! Here I come! LMAO

It all makes sense!

2006-11-15T23:05:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to my biological father the other night.. and he was kicking some real knowledge about religion and so forth... we get on the subject of our ancestry. Now, understand I don't know my mother's family at all. I've never met her mother and the only person I consider myself in touch with as far as family is my Aunt Annie ( her sister). I don't know any of my other aunt's/uncle...at least not in person. My mother's mother immigrated here from Germany. From what I know, she was in a concentration camp. I don't know much more than that. I have been more acclimated with my father's side, although not very close to them either. I was raised by my step father, who is my daddy... his family has always been My family...
Anyhow, we're talking about my great-grand parents. My grandfather's parents were straight native americans. My great-grandma Thomas was Cherokee ( yea yea I know... ev'ry body says that, but it's true in my case) and my great- grand daddy was a black foot indian. My grandma's parents came from Mississippi. My great-grandma was black... a slave decendant and my great- granddaddy was from Haiti.. WHAT!! I'm part Haitian?
I was rolling. I told my dad, now it all makes sense... Ya'll know Haitians are crazy as hell.... see, if someone would have told me this years ago, I could have avoided a lot of grief... Anyway, just a lil family history..
Peace!

And she breathes again!

2006-11-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I experienced a set back. It's my own fault really. For some reason, I refuse to let him go. He's definitely let go.. shit he threw me back in the ocean. LOL I love him no matter how hard I try not to. The feeling resonates in the pit of my soul.. hidden waiting to be exposed... *SIGH* Who knows how long it will take to get rid of all these"feelings". Even if I pretend that it doesn't bother that he's "seeing" someone else.. .oh and then he sends me pictures of her... and she's really pretty... but then again, so am I ( just a little horn toot for self esteems sake). I truly can't believe he says he loves her... Unconditionally? Well, I take that back.. yes I can. Maybe this is what he needs. Maybe she is better for him that I am. Maybe she can resolve all that anger and pain that resides inside of his brain... hey! I am NOT trying to rhyme... I just naturally flow... Either way, I let some of it go today. I didn't let it affect my day the way I normally would in the past. I suppose this is step forward... towards what some call, Healing? I'd rather crawl up in a little ball and die... but I must face the world and remain strong for my own good and that of my child. I was walking to my car the other morning and suddenly it hit me! What would MarQuin do without me? Who could EVER understand my child the way I do??... that is definitely my motivation to remain here long enough to see him through to adulthood. No man, however wonderful can step in and take my joy or my will to live. That is way to much power to give another individual over my life! I think I am really growing up. I notice so many differences each day....
Thank God for the sunshine.... and rainbows...and the rain... and fresh air... and friends that love you no matter what u look like or what you're going through.. So whoever or whatever reigns this universe... Thank u... I'm breathing again! Now.. I'm off to the Gym!

FU Ck you... unconditional love!

2006-11-14T09:21:00.001-08:00

I'm angry, hurt and happyWhy?U said that was her.,.. beauty in the photothe object of your now "Unconditional" love,but what happened to that love when you raised your hand to my face or wrapped your fingers around my throat in a blind filled rage?does she know that u loosely use the words bitch or hoeoh my bad.. .according to you... that was something that you've never had to do before me.which brings me back to everything..... that's transpired.Did u mention to her that you're a habitual liar...or maybe she believes this is all my fault...crazy ass fat girl stalking prince charming...Chasing strippers, getting pregnant while proclaiming my love.stupid girl... once again that's me.. or cherise...reesephatty... whatever u choose to call me.. Now, I understand the reasons behind your so called indifferenceYou're a joke....!!! making a mockery of my life and calling itdeliverence.. FUck You... And fuck her too...ya'll deserve each other... a baby... maybe two.. a house in the hills... and once you finish school... you'll become that big time lawyerwe discussed on many of dates. I can't fucking believe u.I'm laughing. Wait... or am I crying...I'm cutting my.......self off from you... becoming filled with hate, which is something I didn't wanna do.I can't think straight. Shit I cannot even write.. I just ramble and scrambleto make myself better...Than her.but I already am or have taken that journey down the path to nowhere only to find myself at the crossroads leading somewhereother than here.it's over.I see it now.I seen it then.back to square one again.How can I ever have love in my heart for another.I want to smother all of my emotions.away from my heart. kill themtake them a part.out of my soulnever to hurt like this... or feel this pain.or stab them until they bleed away.I fucking HATE YOU!BUt I love you,i'm confused.... i wanna kill her and them .. all of them.because they shouldn't have you... or your love.or your childrenor your time.im suppressed and confined in this dungeonof persecution.Living life in my dreams....reality a nightmare ...and it seems you don't comprehendwhat it does to me or you just don't care...to watchme suffer.over. and over.drowning in this sea of rejection.what happened to your protection.FUck you.. do u hear me?FUck you and me too!it's over for us ...it over for you.We're through.Are we?

Weekend blues....

2006-11-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't done one productive activity today, well, I take that back, I did wash some clothes. Other than that, I sat on my ass all day.... watched some movies, cartoons, played around on myspace. As I write this, I have color sitting in my hair that definitely needs to come out... and I guess my point is.... IT FELT REAL GOOD TO DO NOTHING AT ALL!

Friday night was super crazy for me. I started out drinking with a bunch of friends from work. Now, for anyone that DOESN'T know me, I'm no drinker, so two drinks and I'm done. I happened to have oh about 4 ....which made me extremely DRUNK as hell. Then I ended up at some club shaking my ass. I needed that. It's been a long time since I just danced. I feel so clean after a good sweat, LMAO!

Saturday I hung out with my son all day. I swear he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I tell him everytime we go out to the store I am NOT buying him shit... well, he walked out of Albertson's with a brand new basketball hoop for his bedroom door... courtesy of me... yea I know... he's spoiled, but he's my ONLY SON!! That boy keeps me laughing. The older he gets the more he becomes my protector. How funny is that! Pretty soon he will be screening my calls... Oops! Yea he ALREADY does that... I get so sad when I drop him off with his dad because I miss him the second I drive away. He's so grown-up now.

Being single still sucks ass! I still have my down time... had some today. Boy, he is sticking to his guns. I know there is someone else. And I honestly didn't believe he would wait long... I'm soo replaceable.. NOT! LOL In time, he will come full circle and realize what I realized not too long ago.. .He and I are one... always have been and always will be... no matter what has transpired.. he cannot DENY this fact. Sad thing is, by the time he figures this out, it will be too late.

Thank mother nature for sunshine... I LOVE IT! The weather has been absolutely gorgeous!! Well, I am off to Vegas once again this weekend for yet another party.. Life is good.. can't complain YET.. I can only change me and for everything else... I adapt.

Have a great week!
Peace!

I said I wouldn't, but what the hell?

2006-11-08T13:30:00.000-08:00

I promised myself I wouldn't write one more word about HIM. I said I wouldn't call or text or think about him at all. I lied. I'm coming out and admitting it, so if anyone wants to slap me, please feel free. Lately, I've gone through a plethora of emotions. Like all break-ups, I have my good days and my bad days. I spend a lot of time keeping myself occupied, but there is always that down time that casts many of shadows on my heart. I've realized through my single escapades that I'm NOT cut out for this lifestyle.... which ALWAYS brings me back to him.

I know I know....!!! I have conversations with myself that go a little something like this:

Me: I need him. I just can't do this without him. I have to find a way to make it right or better.. somehow. He's the love of my life!

Me again in response to Me: What the fuck are you talking about? Do you remember all the days you spent crying and begging.. Look at you! Look what you've accomplished! You can't make it better, so just let him go. He doesn't love you anymore Cherise! Get over it! Move on..

Me: How do I let go? What will I do....? Who will I love? I'm angry! I'm hurt! I'm not over it!I need him, I really do. Who will ever GET ME like he did.. Who will EVER love me Like he did. You just don't understand.

Me again: You're acting like a real idiot! How can I NOT understand. I am you! I am the rational, more calm, collective, focused you. You're fine without him. You have Marquin. You have your writing. FOCUS, please don't let this conquer your spirit. If it's meant to be, then he'll be back. I promise. **shaking self** snap out of it!!

Me: **Sigh** and so I digress. I will be ok. One day.

Ok, I am NOT crazy... but I'm alone most of the time.. so talking to me.. works out ...well. I guess I don't want to see him with anyone else. You know, he's met someone.... he says it's getting serious. I don't get how he can be so broken up over us and so quickly replace me .. with HER. Who am I to judge, right? Who knows what I've been up to?? Well, there's been Chris ( the ex stripper, who I almost fell in love with, but made him a friend instead). We had an interesting episode. Case closed. Then there's Perry... an old friend from years back.... I don't see him or talk to him enough for there to be anything remotely serious. Next, we have Kevin... Mr. Kevin... 300 miles away.... and what can I say? Nothing. Because there is nothing 300 miles away. An occassional visit and text messages don't go far in my heart. I've also met several misc. clowns that have yet to spark any interest in anything more than saying hello. Yes, I am extremely lonely. And maybe, just maybe I am using my loneliness as a crutch to hold onto a man that has made it clear he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME...

Yea, maybe that's it.

Halloween Hypocrites...

2006-10-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

This is probably going to offend someone I'm sure. So, let me say this first, if the shoe fits, wear it! Today is Halloween. I celebrate it, shit, because I always have, but if I hear one more proposed Christian, Catholic, Jehovah Witness, Budhist ect., say, I DON'T CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN ... it's evil, I'm going to slap a mothafucca! And no I am NOT watching my language today. This needs to get out since I've been sitting on it for awhile. I pride myself on being an adaptable person. I can get along with any race, creed or color. But there is something about religious hypocrites that strikes an angry cord in my soul. Now, I have nothing against anyone who belongs to any of these religions. However, how can anyone have the audacity to fix their mouth to say I don't celebrate Halloween because it's evil, yet I have premarital sex or I get drunk.. or I curse... ect., ect,. I just don't get it. I mean, if I were god... who would I consider first? Some kids that dress up in masks and beg for candy OR a bunch of drunk, whore mongers who praise me on Sunday, but forget about me M-Sat? Hmmmm? I don't think the choice would be hard. I am not religious by any means. I believe in GOD. And I definitely believe in right and wrong. What bothers me is these same people talk about all the EXTRA FUN they have on a daily basis, but then come with the MR. or MRS. religious bullshit when the subject of Halloween comes up... You have to be fucking kidding me? Fuck that.. I'm dressing up today... Trick or treat bitches...

LMAO...

I'm out. Peace.

What's happening?

2006-10-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I know I've been slacking or maybe not.. since I do most of my blogging on Myspace. Shamika suggested I copy and paste my blogs.. that's an idea.
So, here's the low down. I got the promotion and the raise ;)!!
I am functioning without HIM, although there are times I have minor set backs.
Still not too good on this dating thing. Finally solidified that KISS with the CRUSH.. Kiss was great! Let's just say everything else fell a lil short for me...
Was it the alcohol? NAW.. It was THAT SMALL! **bad reese!**
LMAO
Went to Vegas this past weekend. Got in LOTS of trouble. You know I have an affliction for sexy, strippers. I met this guy named Black and shit with a name like
Black what more needs to be said! I played with him until I got bored. Then there's Kevin... Man, Clean your bathroom Kev! And get some more blankets. Get this, Mr. Joseph Wiley has been in contact with me.. **blushing** wow! I am sooooo soooo surprised. We didn't get a chance to touch base while I was in Vegas, but we talked. Maybe next time! ;)

I've met a few other guys... nothing too special or should I say no one that has caught me in a way that would change my heart. I still love HIM very much. We haven't had any fights lately. Well, we don't even see each other. Maybe once or twice. We've shared some cold hugs and kisses on the cheek. It makes me sad, but then I have to remember that if it's meant to be, he will come back to me. Until then, I have the gym to occupy my self-esteem and bouts of depression.

My son is doing pretty good. He is a trip. He stayed with me last night. He told me,
"Mom, you're the prettiest Mom at my school because you ain't old"... LMAO..
I love that boy more than the word itself.

Peace out.

Broken lines of communication

2006-10-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

There is no tactful way to do this. In fact, Arlyn thinks it's pretty scandalous.. but at this point in my life.. I can ONLY BE HONEST. Since I've been without Aaron.... I've been searching for anything to fill a void, that obviously cannot be filled.

I've had this crush on this beautiful man for weeks. From head to toe, he is a living, breathing, work of art. Chocolate skin... body cut like someone sculpted him into perfect human anatomy. Him and I talk ALL the time.. at work... e-mail, text messages. We've hung out a few times before, but nothing really came out of it. I've been literally dying to kiss this man for weeks. Trust me when I say... I WORKED hard for last night. It was perfect too. I cooked dinner... candles... alcohol...music.

I've never had a problem holding a conversation with him because we have so much in common. A few drinks later and the red lights were on... Janet crooned softly in the background... "At home I'm so alone... I'm wishing you were here.... baby tonight, my bed is cold... .. .... ba ba take care of me ba ba fullfill my needs...." I'm a little drunk.. still sexy, but DRUNK... there I was, face to face with this work of art ... I could feel his breath on my lips...and in the middle of my sentence.... it happened! He kissed me. The kiss I've dreamed about... I lost a moment in time that I will never get back. It felt safe right there... his hands in my hair... up and down my back... damn.. I opened my eyes... and it wasn't Aaron... I told you I got lost for a minute.... More Alcohol. I hear Rkelly now.... " down low... down low..." it's the remix.. and so appropriate to our current circumstances. How I ended up on my knees, looking up at him, remains to be seen. And wow..how can I say this in a tactful way ...without sounding cruel... but the infatuation and momentum that I'd built up over the weeks had instantly dissipated. How can someone so beautiful be lacking in the most important department. Yea, I said it... he had the smallest penis. And even if I wanted to TRY to work with it... I wouldn't do that to myself.

Game over.

That's what I get for putting this man on a pedal stool in my mind. He wasn't able to live up to my expectations at all. He is still very beautiful, but not for me. It makes everything I went through totally worthless. I ended up laying on my couch half naked, unsatisfied, crying and begging Aaron to please come home. I can't do this. I can't spend another night in someone else's arms.

Today, I have the worst hang over. I don't think I will be able to face him again. For fear, that A. I may laugh and B. Yea, I will laugh and that is not very nice.... Fuck.

I'm done.

Skeletons in the closet

2006-10-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

I learned a valuable lesson last night.... some mistakes, however old come back to haunt you. I had a child with a man who is NOT only irresponsible, but so completely oblivious to reality, it's almost scary. Yea, I was 17 at the time I met him and 19 when I had his baby, but that is still no excuse in my book. I never loved this man. In fact, he only filled the void of the man I whose child I should've had. I don't regret my son, but I surely regret the decision I made to even entertain thoughts of sleeping with the man.

Here's why:

Yesterday I leave work and head over to my son's Jr High to pick him up. We get to the house and my son is locked out. Now, I'm already concerned because I'm thinking, "Why doesn't he have a key to get in?". Anyhow, I sit there for about 20 minutes until MarQuin's cousin comes alone. We go to the back house and I'm waiting on his dad to get there. While I'm waiting, MarQuin's cousin tells me MarQuin feels like his is putting his girlfriend and his friend before him. He doesn't feel right. This makes me uneasy. I'm focused on trying to provide my son with the tools he needs to be successful. I never want him to feel like someone else comes before him. So, an hour later his dad pulls up. I walk to the front and knock on the door. No answer. I ring the door bell ... no answer...

WTF? First of all, it's dark, cold and my son is still outside.. No one has come out looking for him EXCEPT me AND the freaking door is locked, so how would he get back in? Then his ugly, no good girl friend comes to the door and says Len isn't in there. WTF? Bitch I just seen him in the kitchen window. So I'm pissed. I call MarQuin on his cell phone and tell him to come home. He gets there and finally his dad comes to the door. I tell him I need to talk to him. He automatically has an attitude with me. Now, everthing has been cool until the girlfriend came in the picture. I tell him what MarQuin said... now instead of addressing his son's feelings, he slams the door in my face and tells MarQuin to come in. I'm HOT! This is totally ridiculous!!! I tell my baby get some clothes and let's go! Do you know this fool packed up my baby's clothes and put them on the curb...????

OH HELL NO! That was the last straw. Every bit of emotion I've been holding for 11 years slowly dissipated from my soul. How dare he? And then he threatens me and tries to preempt a fight between his girlfriend and I. Now, 5 years ago, I would've have fought, but you know what? Fighting is NOT going to resolve the problem. It doesn't matter how many bitches I am or fat this like I told him... I'm GOOD> I work everyday and regardless of what you do or don't do I take care of my child. I've worked hard and been through a lot, but everything I have is paid for and I am not living off of someone else. This isn't about him... or me... it's about our child.. Who at this point was crying... feeling lost and left out while two GROWN adults rehash the past... which cannot be changed. So I made a decision... I walked away. There isn't a name he can call me that will hurt me or anything that he can do to make me hold my head down. I stand tall everyday because I know who I am... I was sad... I watched a 34 yr old man rant and rave while his girlfriend acted as the side kick clown.

WHY? I told him I don't live that life anymore. My son is my main concern. Look at him! Talk to him! Not me.. this isn't about what happened 10 yrs ago (which he kept making reference to a time I called the police on him) I don't care who you're dating.. and I'm not going to fight you ugly girl. Ugly in reference to the way you carry yourself. I know I'm a threat because I am confident and successful, but you can be too! You choose not to be. I can fight you.. I'm not scared. I've done it countless times in the past, but what example am I setting for my baby? And after it's over and the police come...who really loses.... MarQuin.

And so I walked away. I gathered my son's stuff and I sat in my car and I cried. I felt so stupid and dumb. I kept asking myself WHY did I do this to myself. Then I looked at my child.... how beautiful is he.... I am ALL HE HAS... Everything I put into him will come out later. What do I say to him? I can't tell him don't love your dad because my personal feelings have nothing to do with him. I hugged my baby and I told him no matter what happens... I will ALWAYS be here to take care of you... as long as I'm breathing.....

Now, my child sleeps soundly in my bed. He didn't have the desire to stay there. His father cried claiming once again I am taking his son away. No, that's not it at all. My door has always been open and his son has always been available... but you can't make a boy grown up and be a man and you can't turn a dead beat into a dad.

Peace

Wine, Jazz and crying don't mix...

2006-10-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of having a discussion with Aaron about my crush. The entire
conversation came about because he'd read the poems I'd written about this man that
has totally captured my attention. He was acting really non-chalant about the whole thing. Even going as far as saying, "Well, you shouldn't let something pass you by
because of your feelings about me"... this set me up for complete and utter failure!
See, although I've managed to remain calm and strong through this break-up, make no qualms about it! I AM HURT... deeply hurt. Every morning when I wake up to an empty house I am hurt... everytime I get a phone call from yet another childhood friend proclaiming, "GUESS WHAT! I'M GETTING MARRIED!" or "I'M HAVING A BABY!" I cringe and seethe with pain. I LOVED THIS MAN. By no means have I ever claimed it was a perfect love..it was just love. And as I move forward with my life I'm learning how to let go little by little. For those of you who've experienced this type of love, I'm sure you can understand. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else.... and so I try NOT to think about it at all. Yesterday, after several e-mails later, I decided to go to his home after work. We talked briefly and he reiterated that he doesn't want this relationship. He had a long list of faults that I possess... and maybe they are ALL true, but in my heart.... I just don't think so. I've ALWAYS loved him and I thought I held him down. It's funny to me how I am supposed to hold him down no matter what he does wrong, but when the tables are turned..Well, you know the story. I'm sorry if I wasn't quick to help him when he blantantly lied and deceived me. I suppose I should have looked the other way when the texts messages came in at 2 a.m... or surely it's my fault that he cheated on me. *SIGH* There is no winning in this situation. It's over and I know it! I knew it BEFORE I moved down here to Cali. I was hoping I could save us... because when we're good, we're good! I miss cooking breakfast for him, taking walks, laughing and just listening to him talk. I miss when we were good and I know from my blogs it would be difficult to see when we were good, but we were.
I'm so empty right now... I almost feel invisible.
The good thing is my motivation has not wavered.. I'm still Reese... I still have my son... the gym and my strength.

Hooray for Friday!! And other misc. Capers!

2006-09-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

1."Act bad, don't hurt me, look sexy, talk dirty!" -Janet Jackson "So Excited"
2.Ohh wee Janet DID IT AGAIN! Please cop the record
3.There is something going on with me and this damned Grocery store
4."Hello, I just wanted to tell you,you're beautiful"
5.Short guy in the parking lot at Albertson's.
6.Seen Dre (mr inconito) on aisle 6...
7."Hey what's up!"
8.Me: Oh! You're talking to me...
9."Well, I've been busy working, plus I really can't call
women from this phone because my mom checks the numbers.
The phone is not in my name, but text me. Maybe we can hang out"
10.Me: *Laughing at this clown* No thanks, if you wanted to talk
to me you'd have called. If you weren't feeling me, then you should
have just said it.. ( I walked away)
11.WTF? he is 25 and his momma checks the phone?? Get the fuck outta here!
**in my best Eddie Murphy voice**
12. Eric invited me to Speak some knowledge tonite..
13.You know I hate stages.. although I live on one in reality
14. I seen a crack head yesterday with a blue shower cap on and some daisy dukes
15.She said I was pretty....
16.makes u wonder huh? LMAO
17.the crush has manifested itself in a real way... REAL WAY
18. "Got it like I like it and I feel the need to say
Baby it's forever and I really mean to
Make you feel as special as I see you baby"- Janet Jackson~~ With you.
19.Back to school night was Wednesday
20.Len and I made the trip around our son's classes and introducing ourselves to the
teachers.
21.It was so weird even doing this with him because I've never had him involved before.
22.My son is the official, "Ladies Man"
23.My god what have I created
24."I met him when I was a
Little girl, he gave me
He gave me poetry
And he was my first" Common/Erykah- Love of my life
25.I never would've imagined something so beautiful could have come
from pure lust.
26.My son is truly MY LIFE and very existence for being
27."Unsure of what the balance held
I touched my belly overwhelmed
By what I had been chosen to perform
But then an angel came one day
Told me to kneel down and pray
For unto me a man child would be born
Woe this crazy circumstance
I knew his life deserved a chance
But everybody told me to be smart" ~~Lauryn Hill~~ To Zion
28.Seems my little boy is turning into a little man
29.Had the "talk" with him the other day
30.He ran out of the room
31. I really tried to make it all commercial like, but I guess
it was just too embarrassing.
32.Whew! So glad it's Friday, I can't wait to...
33.SLEEP!
34.THE END

Guess who this is for... here we go again!

2006-09-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

JANET JACKSON lyrics - "With U"

www.OldieLyrics.com

Strangely I feel a connection with you babe
Oddly enough I crave for it to remain purely
More authentic than I've been used to
Surely this can't be something that's taboo cause you

Got it like I like it and I feel the need to say
Baby it's forever and I really mean to
Make you feel as special as I see you baby
Never have I ever been around someone
Who makes life so free and life so fun
And as crazy as it may sound, I ain't joking baby

[Chorus:]
Cause when I'm in those arms of yours
I'm so gone
The things I like
Can't tell me it's not right
When I'm with you
I lose myself and no one
Can make me do
What I can't wait to do when I'm with you

Really I get inspired off you baby
Truly I feel alive from you
And you're the only
No one else can duplicate you
I'd leave the one I have I know
It's sad but damn you

Got it like I like it and I feel the need
To say baby it's forever and I really mean to
Make you feel as special as I see you baby
Never have I been around someone
Who makes life so free and life so fun
And as crazy as it may sound I ain't joking baby

[Chorus]

The times that we've shared together
Are some of the best times of my life
I wish you were the one
I could be with forever

Cause when I'm with you
I don't want tomorrow to come
And if I had my way
I'd spend every day and night in your arms
So let me lay here
And feel what happiness feels like
And wish for it to last because
Tomorrow it's back to real life

Until then
I'll just keep dreaming

[Chorus]

Hostile work environment

2006-09-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

Chris is a short man, with little to nothing going for him except this job. He drives a 1989,convertible BMW, but acts as though it's a 2007 Lexus GS 450H. NOT.
To get a better idea of what I'm trying to describe:
Just think of Napoleon Bonapart (black), with a crooked eye and an over-sized head.
Yup! That about describes him. I've never liked him, although I've tolerated him.
I used to talk with him and even laugh at him ( he not knowing the joke was on him).
I even entertained conversations with him outside of work ( bad call)

Anyhow, this midget of a man has started some unnecessary DRAMA at my job. It all started with the arrival of a new girl, Kenitra. He was immediately attracted to her and began a full fledged campaign to win over her affections. Meanwhile, he's been intimate with another co-worker, Tiffany, who, for some strange reason, is in love with this clown. And while I'm on the subject of co-workers, he has 2 other females he deals with in 2 other departments.. I really wish I had a picture of this clown... because ONCE you see him, you will find yourself asking, WHY? WHY? Well, trouble was on the horizon once everyone found out about the other. Kenitra had no interest in the guy at all... But she carried on outside of work with him, thus encouraging his pursuit.

Tiffany sat in the back row and cried.. and I was in the middle of the crusade. He was trying to get close to me to get close to Kenitra. Then there's Kai, Kenitra's Ex, whom I like and Chris is jealous of ( I mean, Kai is gorgeous). Well, Chris went around telling the likes of me, and anyone else who would listen that Kai was jealous of him because he was taking Kenitra out to lunch on occassion (NOT A GOOD IDEA) Kai Finds out and confronts Kenitra. She's upset. She confronts Chris. Chris is feeling real dumb ( several insults later courtersy of Kenitra)... So.. who gets blamed... ME OF COURSE. What better way to take the light out of your face and shine it somewhere else than to place the blame on someone else.

I had nothing to do with this. Yes, I talk to Kai and Kenitra and Tiffany, but I didn't divulge the information. Kai heard about it from someone else and mentioned it to me.. Now, Chris is attemtpting to come in between Tiffany and I... telling her I was talking behind her back. He said she shouldn't speak to me period. She then sends this e-mail to me :
I have to ask you something. I hate doing this, but I don't like being lied on.

Someone told me that you told someone that I had sex in the car with Mikey that night when we went out to Long Beach, and that I was very nice, or seemed nice but in reality I was a ho. This person that said you told them is someone that I don't talk to outside of work, or even at work, so I am wondering how they would know about us going out that night, unless it came from the mouth of someone that was there that night.
I didn't have sex with Mikey in the car that night, we were kissing because I had a little too much to drink, but I was not that drunk to where I would do that. I don't want to accuse anyone, but I don't like when things are assumed about me, or anyone else, and not going straight to the horse's mouth for the information.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I am just trying to find out what was said, because maybe that person mis-understood. Or maybe you thought we had sex in the car, but we didn't. That is not cool, and I would not do that.

Lets talk about this so that we can squash any rumors that are currently floating out there about me.

Ok... here is my response...

LMAO.. really I SAID u had sex in a car with Mikey.. or Chris asked me did u have sex with Mikey and I told him I didn't know.. I told him that I couldn't confirm or deny it becuase I didnt know.. and actually there is NOT one other person that has EVER asked me about you or mikey ... so no need to beat around the bush.. but u know what I think... I think you and Chris deserve each other.. yes I said u kissed him, but sex was not mentioned... the only person who has ever mentioned that is Aaron.. not me because I didn't know...and the reason this even came up was in reference to what you told chris about your history.. this is really funny.. but see, I could care less whether u or him are my friend or like me.. because I never called u a HOE.. as I said to him directly... that I would never recommend telling my business to any man.. period and being that u have been very sheltered... it's not uncommon to date around.. hoe was never mentioned.. I did mention that i think you should be careful because your very nice and that can lead to getting taken advantage of.... I really have no desire to involved in a bunch of drama or lies.. because truth be told ... he was doing all of the talking and basically PROBED ME until I finally discussed it with him. I didnt call Chris up volunteering your business...
and although it would be quite amusing to see how he would react if I let the cat out of the bag.... I will let it ride.. because I am much mature than that... and I have better things to do... Like I said I have no problem telling u exactly what was said....

SO WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID, I AM SO READY TO KICK THIS FOOL IN THE HEAD. BUT I WILL REMAIN CALM, MATURE AND IN CONTROL. He is BLANTANTLY lying and spreading rumors that are not true...

Another sob story....

2006-09-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

My son is living with his father for the 1st time in like...ahh FOREVER!
I wasn't really enthusiastic about the situation because I was bitter. I've
seen modified this emotion with acceptance. I've realized I cannot change
what it is, therefore, I can accept it and move forward. Yesterday, I was sitting '
on his porch hanging out with my son when his dad comes out there. He starts telling me about how his aunt is tripping about the amount of people he has living
there not paying any rent. So, here's a little FYI, His cousin is Andre Miller,
guard for Denver. He bought this property.. IT'S PAID FOR! Yet his mother,
whom is the aunt in question, is gauging the rent to collect more.
She is charging $700 per person for a 2 bedroom house.. LOL Anyhow, he goes
on to tell me how he has to pay for one of his cousins who can't pay. He says
he needs me to keep buying Quin's food. My first reaction, (in my mind that it)
was Yea right Motha Fucca... LOL I have been taking care of this child for
11 years and have not received as much as a penny! The nerve of him complaining to
me about money!! I pay out over $1682 worth of bills and here he is asking me
for food money. That's a laugh...BREATHE CHERISE... so I took a deep breath,
smiled and said Ok. He is MY son before anything else. And I will do whatever
I have to for him. I think this is called MATURITY.

"And when we had our 1st kiss.. it happened on a Thursday...."

2006-09-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

My crush is manifesting itself in a real way. This man is on my mind..
in my dreams and becoming a part of my life in a real way. His name is Kai.
He is about 6'3, his skin resembles smooth, dark chocolate. And his body, well
let's just say it speaks for itself. I met him about 4 months ago. I was actually
the 1st person he came in contact with before he was hired. (lucky him)
Anyhow, he was running late for his interview and I let him in the door.
I noticed him at that moment and ever since then... well, I've been crushing on
him. For awhile, I just watched him silently. Never approached him or spoke to him.
That's why having him in my living room last night was almost like a dream.

It was about a month before I got up enough courage to approach him. So I did
via e-mail. That started what he refers to as our, "verbal jousting". For weeks,
we exchanged e-mails back and forth about various topics. So during this informal
courtship we developed a cool relationship... then the worst thing happened.
I found out he'd dated another co-worker, whom I've become friends with. They have
broken up for about 2 years... so, what should I do?

I will tell you what my selfish ass did... I had him on my couch last night. My
head gently resting on his chest. I settled for a kiss on the check instead ...
I'm not in the business to hurt anyone... but it doesn't feel wrong when I am with
him. It feels like we belong together.

The I can't sleep, wtf list...

2006-09-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

1.it's 7:25 a.m. and my ass has had maybe 3 hours of sleep
2.no i'm not on crack
3.i think i worked out a little too late
4.the gym is addicting once u get in
5."ring the alarm, I been going too long, but I'll be
damned if i c anotha chic on your arm!" Beyonce, B'Day
6.damn who pissed B off
7.lmao
8.i swear when i seen the video it was like watching myself
9.how scary is that
10."I don't want you, but I want it and I can't let it go" Beyonce B'day
11.yea, so that one line sums up all of my feelings
12.i'm crushing real hard on this dude
13.my co-worker
14.it's not good at all
15.i feel bad, but it's not like i KNEW before
16.he dated my now friend (of sorts) yea i'm rationalizing LMAO
17.i'm so attracted to him
18.i dream about him
19.he's gorgeous too
20.it's all bad
21.sEE I do have some morals even when other's don't
22.everytime I sEE aaron there is a problem
23."I'm tired of hearing from you... your texts, e-mails and phone calls...
just leave me alone" Aaron... on my saying Hello
24.my response... ok
25."You're an amazing person,but you can't start doing amazing things
until you start believing it" Aaron 6:58 p.m.
26.the definition of fucking bi polar
27."How can I be blamed, forgive me lord, I'm insane" Tupac, Friend Like Me..
28.don't flip me off white people.. i'm crazy...
29.she got scared when I jumped out of the car with high heels on
30.LMAO.. yea I'm bad.. PEACE
20."6 foot, dark skin, damn baby you got me open" Destiny's Child
21.so i digress
22.yesterday I came this close to kissing him
23.ooohhh cherise.... taking you back to...
24."I like, the way, you kiss me when we're playing the kissing game" High Five
25.Yea I used to sing that in church... LMAO
26.I never thought I would hear someone say, Jodeci is old
27.LMAO was it that long ago...
28.doesn't seem like it was... 15 years ago
25

for him... who keeps me flying high

2006-09-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

the crush.

does he know I watch from afar...
not too close as to cause a commotion,but close enough to gather these emotions...inside...
like butterflies ...flying all around
...my heart speaks to him, but falls on a deaf ear...when he is near I'm intoxicated by his smell...I listen closely to every detail... he reveals... maybe next lifetime...but my now needs him like forever... oh! I forgot to mention...I never had these intentions...of getting close enough to touch him deeper than...
this abyss...I seem to be falling within... to no avail... to no end.
Am i wasting my time... contemplating...rhymes to his rhythm...sending subliminal messages...overwhelmed by this obsession.. to taste what is likely to spark a resurrection of suppressed erections...over-flowing- it could be mind blowing... if we could...
then it would... and we both know...
it's too late... to consummate these thoughts... or dreams...
into reality...

...Why do I ?

2006-09-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

Why Do I Feel So Sad?
(Alicia Keys, Warryn Campbell)
Song 14 / time: 4:25

Friends we've been for so long
Now true colors are showing
Makes me wanna cry oh yes it does
?Cause I had to say goodbye

[chorus:]
By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

How can I adjust
To the way that things are going
It's killing me slowly
Oh I just want it to be how it used to be

?Cause I wish that I could stay
But in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh

[chorus: 2x]

By now by now I should know
That in time things must grow
And I had to leave you behind
So why do I feel so sad
If it couldn't be that bad
Tell me why

[chorus]

[Ad-lib to end]

I can't even make this SHHH up LIST and other shit

2006-08-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

*** I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT even make this stuff up***

1.have u ever seen 2 old ass people fight?
2.albertson's, 7pm.. fight in produce
3.little, fragile old lady throwing tomatoes at her fragile husband
4.then she rams him with the car... this is where I intervene
5."excuse me... u really shouldn't beat him up in the store, someone
may call the police on you"
6. old lady replied, " Mind your business, this is a private matter!"
7.I walk away laughing... everyone in the store is laughing
8.I walk into the meat department and she is throwing cans at him
and ramming him with the cart..
9.is you don't believe me... ask Arlyn, he was on the phone with me when the
whole thing happened....
10.Again, I tried to help the helpless man, but the old lady attempted to
attack me with my own cart.. LOL (yea she was about 90)
11. Me in response to be attacked by the crazy old lady: "Hey, I fight
old people" LMAO whatever .....ya'll would have done the same thing...
12. Old lady: "Fuck off"
13. Me: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
14. Gay dude..."That's just evil" in his best Diana Ross voice.
15.Jamaican dude: "See I am glad u are here to see this because the
man always gets blamed.That is just wrong for her to beat that man up"
16.Yes the ENTIRE store was involved
17.I look up and notice his seraded teeth that were EXTRA yellow.
18.He notices ME **blushing* cause I think I'm cute
19.Giving myself props ** gotta do that sometimes**
20.Right Teej ;)
21. so he gives me the cheesiest line
22.I'm trying to bring ya up, baby not down
23.here comes larry
24.offering pictures of himself
25.the shirt said," I'm sick of these TIDE azz hoes"
26.Why black people, Why?
27.next cheesy line...
28.every car need a spare tire and i will be that spare tire to
help u and give u everything u need...
29.Yes, that is how he signed the picture.
30.I spotted 3 jheri curls in the DMV
31.Yup 3 and one of them was fresh out of the bag
32.Finally got my plate... I settled on So Poetc

33.I think dee is really crazy
34.so guess what I did this weekend...
35. I played with a stripper
36.the same one from a few years ago
37."I never dreamed you'd leave in Summer. You said you would be here when
it rained... Oh I never dreamed you'd leave in summer...."
Common feat Lauryn Hill "Stay"
38.I miss him from time to time

39.Every time I see him it sets me back like a whole month
40. I seen him on Saturday night at my sis's bday party
41.It started out bad
42.It ended with a kiss
43.I'm tired of people mistaking me for a latina
44.that ain't what I'm taking Spanish for!
45.the boy started Jr.High..must be nice to have a momma that dresses you like this:

46.i'm going to try NOT to cry.... I CRIED!
47.i'm so worried for him
48.i worry way too much sometimes
49.3 days off and I am tired as hell
50.you would've thought I got some sleep... fat chance!

The weeks trauma's and other misc. drama...

2006-08-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend seemed to drag on. No matter how much I did, time slowed
almost to a stop. At least on my watch. Everyone and everything seemed
to go on around me as if I weren't even there. On Saturday I had a plan.
Get downtown and school shop. I'd asked Aaron if he could go since he
was more familar with the kinds of stuff Marquin likes. He agreed and
I told him I would pick him up around 10am. Well, when I overslept by
20 minutes, I immediately grabbed my phone to let him know I would be late.
He answered 15 rings later and informed me he would not be going. I was
furious. This was the 3rd time he'd broken plans in 2 weeks. I'd had enough.
I gave him everything short of a full fledged tantrum. I was beat. I shopped alone.
Anyway, school shopping is done $450 bucks later.. *SIGH* If my baby ain't gonna
be the best dressed little boy there...

*** Next Dilemma***
I'm soo scared about my son starting Jr. High. Is that just the mommy in me?
I mean, I know he is a smart boy. He is a carbon copy of me. The girls have
already started flocking and he has already begun his little secretive moods.
I'm scared for his safety. I'm scared of what he might be exposed to, but
most of all I'm just sad to see him grow up so fast. I never realized my little
baby would grow into a little man so quickly. **sigh**

**** Weird Men***

Weird Guy# 1... Met him at the super market. He came off really nice
until the initial phone call.

Me:**laughing at a myspace pic, I answer the phone** Hello?

Weird Guy: What are you doing?

Me:Who is this? ( a bit annoyed)

Weird Guy:Larry, from Albertson's. Whatcha doin?

Me: Getting ready for bed (it's Sunday)

Weird: Dang I wanted to see you. So when do u think I can see you?

Me: **Hestitating** Maybe next weekend

Weird Guy: Well you know I got my own place and stuff, so u can come over here
and spend the night with me.

Me: Ahh No, I have my own bed sweetie, plus I don't sleep with people I don't know

Weird Guy: Hold on Aiight... ** weird guy never comes back or calls again**

And trust I wasn't looking forward to another call.

Next Weird Guy, we'll call him Mr. Talker

Met this guy on BP ( yea I already know better!) BUT he is Handsome, and he is NOT
from Cali. He just got to Cali last week via Virginia. He seems very nice but he
talks A LOT. And when I say talks a lot... well, see for yourself...

Ring!Ring!Ring!

Me: Hello?

Weird Guy: Hello, This is the guy you met on Bp, wassup

Me: Not much how are u...?

Weird Guy: yadadyaydaydyadyaydaydaydaydyaydayadya on and on and on
until I FELL ASLEEP ON HIS ASS...

***Conversations with Dee***

For those of you who don't know about Dee, he is my co-worker. We actually
sit right next to each other. My first impression of him wasn't that great, but
over time I've grown very fond of him. It's like the old saying,Never judge
a book by it's cover! And trust me, there is a lot of story beneath the
dull exterior. Dee is short for Deraymion, but instead of confusing our
customer's with such an unusual name, he's shortened it to just "DEE". There
are many times throughout my day where I hear him saying, My name is Dee... D-E-E
or Dee, like A-B-C-D... it's quite funny.

Anyhow, our conversations range anywhere from politics to religion.. with all that in between. I would define Dee as a free thinker, meaning he has an answer for everything. LOL He's a bit of cheap skate and he's always looking for new and improved ways to save a dollar or two. He keeps me laughing and sometimes I don't
know how I would get through my day without him... here is a typical conversation:

Dee: Aye, do you ever write stuff that the customer doesn't say in the notes.
Being that you're a writer and all.

Me: Naw, I just write what they say.

Dee: You never just write whatever

Me: No!

Dee: Man, I do, but it only happens after lunch. It's like my hand
goes number or something and I can't control what I write.

Me: Laughing.. Dee, you're crazy.

**Special Note*** I am going to be writing a special series Called, WHY Black People, WHY?... Stay tuned.. LMAO

Work it out Reese!

2006-08-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

Well, here's the scoop. I'm all registered for school. I dove in head
first sparing no excuses. Hopefully, by the end of the semester I
will understand spanish a lot better than I speak it... Now, if I
could only get these book costs under control.. (lol) I joined the
Gym... (officially) Been in 3 times this week. I can already feel the
difference. I'm dedicated to maintaining a busy lifestyle. I have
to... it's the only console my mind has.... I'm ok. I'm feeling fine and
sleeping well... that's a start. Now, when I get rid of these extra
pounds, I might have to get all Beyonce' on ya'll. I'm good on men
right now. Really I am.

I'm Just Reese...

2006-08-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

IT came to me last night, while I was laying half naked in my bed,
ALONE, surrounded by darkness: I don't NEED him anymore!!
The longing has left my body and any hopes of happily ever after has slowly dissipated from my soul. He is gone and in his place now are the sounds of a hissing mechanical toy. This is my life.

I laid there waiting for IT to happen. Squinting in the dark,thinking
HARD about anything that would carry me away from everlasting loneliness.
Nothing happened.Shit.
Maybe I do NEED him, I thought. "Nope,you don't", my mind replied.
Think Harder I told myself.
Conjuring up any image I could fathom that remotely resembled a MAN.
2 minutes later I laid there exhausted from my efforts to attain sexual
stimulation. I gave up. I turned over on my side and drifted off to
sleep.6 hours later my alarm sounds in the silence like a school fire alarm.
It startled me out of my dream...it's still dark.It seems as though I've lost
my drive to do anything more except work.I spent this past weekend just hanging
out with my mom and laying around my house.I didn't spend one penny.
Which is a blessing, I guess.

Usually when I get this low,I shop.It's like having my own personal therapist. I love shoes and recently gave away about 40 pair.( A gesture that was definitely a sacrifice in itself)But,I have no desire to purge myself inside
of some bright,busy department store.That's too much like Happy.And Happy I am not.
I walk at the beach a lot and tonight I'm off to the gym to become another
spectacle in a sea of perfect bodies. Sounds like such fun.Hooray! A nice bag
of chocolate should suffice, with nuts please...then maybe,I will head on over
to the stair master to step my fat away.

It only gets better, they say. Well, someone let me know when better gets here.

The Wednesday, (Blah blah Blah) Middle of the week list

2006-08-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

1. i think i've mastered the art of arguing via text messaging,
while driving in traffic
2.why the hell would he send me a picture of himself, with all the
hoes phone numbers listed in the message details?
3.he deserved to get cussed the fuck out!
4.4am comes much too fast
5. i wonder WHY time doesn't fly by as fast when my ass is at
work listening to these crazy people
6.yea he is fine as hell...
7.but, he belonged to another co-worker( who is somewhat a friend)
8.still wouldn't mind playing with him.. after hours that is..
9.*wink*
10.blah blah blah blah....
11.and blah again
12.it's what i feel today
13."i take a shot of hennesey, now i'm strong enough to face the
madness...nickle bag full of cest weed laced with hash"
it ain't easy...Tupac
14.the end

The overdue "Weekend" list

2006-08-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

1.Upon my entering Vroman's bookstore,"Excuse me ma'am,can you direct
me to the African American section"...clerk replied,"We don't have any
fiction,only HIStory stuff"
*Thought to self*, "Do I look like I came in
here for some fucking ZANE or Jerome Dickey? Dumb bitch"
Actual reply...
"Thanks, but I would like to see what you have.."
2. Needless to say I didn't buy any books from that place
3.My car has now reached a certified gansta status..limo tint windows,
loud stereo, crazy driver...LMAO
4.when the hell did I start numbering my lists?
5. that damn Teej.. and here it comes... FISTING.. LMAO
6.This is my 2nd week of 6-5pm M-F.. last week it took it's toll
I cannot be responsible for the person I am AFTER 5pm.
7.I spent way too much money this week..
8.But Hell, that's what I'm working all this OT for right? that and
school clothes...
9.When the hell did the laundrymat get soo WEIRD.
10.Damn I miss my washer and dryer in Vegas :(
11. First weird episode... I'm sitting on the folding tables
yaking on the phone.... Weird guy # 1 says, "That's my sister,
you have a pretty face." He then walks away.
12.OKAAAY.. so my face is pretty, but the rest of me must be
pretty ugly... LMAO
13.Yea Perry, I had to re-think that statement... not that
most appealing line to say to a lady... LOL
14.Weird Guy # 2.. ok he is going to require a few lines.. lol
15.He's playing Basketball in the parking lot.. uhhh there is
no hoop
16.I'm walking to my car and he runs up to me and asks,"Ah, do
you have your cell phone charger? I need to borrow it?" Weird
guy is sweating.. and panting like a dog...
17.WTF? My cell phone charger?? who the hell is he? Felicia?
18.My reply," get the hell away from my car, FOOL!"
19.He ran away
20.Why the hell is everyone pregnant?
21.Every friend or Family member with the exception of 2
are with child and on their way to the alter
22.I picked a fine time to be single
23.Yea, I never felt so SINGLE in my life
24.Hung out with Shamika on Saturday... cool cool cool
25.we always end up shopping and eating
26.side of the road fruit is the shhhhhit
27.ya'll ain't knowing about the fruit lady *wink*
28.i didn't eat much this weekend.. back to that *sigh*
29.can't have a list without mentioning HIM
30.Didn't see him this weekend, except to go pick up my bra
31.LOL yea my bra and it's NOT what u think
32.he looked handsome as usual
33.he is still a jerk to me and I have to remind myself
of it everytime i get lonely
34.I met another guy named..**drum roll please**
35.AARON
36.He lives where?
37.In compton
38. AND he is a Sheriff
39.No thanks, I can do without ANYMORE Aaron's in my life,especially
one associated with the fucking POLICE...
40."Fuck yo couch, Nigga"......."I'm rick james bitch!"
41.That was the best shit ever!

Black Panther vs Uncle Tom

2006-08-03T06:18:00.000-07:00

Here's the scenario:
Strong, Assertive, Black man. Stands for
Something, Falls for nothing! Pro Black Revolutionary in every shape...
Loves his Sistahs
.......When you see him, he has a beautiful, black woman on his arm...
He's Proud....Then suddenly

He moves to Cali... Big City, Hollywood, beautiful scenery; beautiful people.
The black woman he once had on his arm has been replaced with a
blonde haired, blued eyed, skinny white woman. What Changed?

The reason I am even talking about this issue is because I
have a friend who was all of these things I mentioned. In fact, he
wouldn't even date a light skinned, (mixed) black woman like myself.
So when he called me out of the blue a few days ago and said, "Guess
what, I moved to Cali!"... I wasn't surprised. I wasn't even surprised
when he asked to hang out with me... it was when he began to
tell me that he EXPLORING other races... My first thought was, WoW...
Because I KNOW him. Then he said, "Oh yea, I've been dating a white woman"..
That's when the shock set in...and what's even more shoking is the fact
that he does not understand WHY he is getting so much flack behind
his NEW choice. Well.. I will elaborate...

My mother is white. My father is black (and indian..lol) My mother
actually is a decendant of 1st generation immigrants. My grandmother was
from Yugoslavia...her family escaped a deconcentration camp and immigrated
here in the late 1940s. My grandmother married my grandfather, (of irish decent)
and then my mom came along.............Long story short. My grandparents
separated.. my grandmother ended up marrying a black man and having 4
more children. She left my mother and her sisters/brother to pursue her new
life... 10 years later I came along under similar circumstances...

My mother met my father in High School. 2 years later I was
born. My father's mother is black. Her family originated from the south,
but relocated to Detriot in the early part of the 20th Century. My great-grandma
had a hard life from what I know and she was a desendant of former slaves.
I don't remember her because she died when I was a little girl. My grandfather
was full blooded indian. His mother was cherokee and his father blackfoot.
My great-grandma Thomas lived to be 97. She died a week before I had my son.
I had the wonderful opportunity of knowing her. As you can see, I come from
an interesting Mix. However, I identify myself as black. AS does SOCIETY.

Well all that BEING said, my being MIXED doesn't necessarily mean I agree
with interacial dating. I think I've said this before, there are serious
emotional ramifications that many people don't consider before they join and
bring a mixed race child into the world. I suffered endless abuse at the hands
of other children growing up. My teens years were turbulent as I fought my
way through an identity crisis that my white mother didn't understand and my
black father didn't care to understand. I was stuck. So now, I live my life
day by day and for the most part on the RARE occasions I am faced racial
adversity...I have the ability to cope with it in a more positive manner.
But I still hate that all too famous line," Well, you don't look black"...
That's as bad as telling a black person, "Well you don't ACT black"
WTF does that mean?

Now as far as my pro black brothers jumping ship and skiing with
the snow bunnies.. personally, I have no respect for Black Men that talk the
talk, but don't walk the walk... What do u think?

Midnight Madness...

2006-08-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm working a lot lately. Basically from 5am to 6pm.. I am at work, on my way to work, or coming home from work... and ANYONE who KNOWS me... Knows that when
I get depressed, I work. Needless to say, I don't get much sleep...
There are rare occassions in between being asleep and awake that I have great ideas. My words flow poetically and eloquently (this however, is NOT one of those times).
I can write ENTIRE stories during this time... or even poems.. And they sound
perfect... the bad part is I can't remember them when I wake up.. Oh well.

I feel restless. I told my friend today that I feel so out of place. Like, ok what do I do with myself? I am NOT unhappy.. I'm ... well, I don't know what I am yet.

I have weird thoughts too! For instance, I'm driving down the street and all of a sudden, I think: I'm really a man. I feel like a man sometimes. LOL I mean, for whatever that is worth. Since I honestly have no real clue on what being a man feels like, but I sure don't feel like much of a woman nowadays. I digress. *sigh*

I hate hairy legs, but I'm too lazy to shave mine... and why is that some women
can have 6 kids and have a completely flat stomach, when I had just ONE and my stomach looks like a hippo's ass.. More of my wonderful thoughts. I wonder if midgets
ever have eating disorder's like anorexia or bulemia... and why isn't there ONE mexican that can drive?

p.s. I swear if ONE more person calls my job and says, Honda's are
supposed to last forever! i'm going to strangle them...
Teej, I need some here... lol

Just leave me alone....

2006-07-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's Friday... Hot, Humid and HERE I am sitting at home staring at the pc...
writing. Well, things could be worse. Somehow in my silly little heart,
it feels like it is. Why does he contact me, only to reiterate that he doesn't want me? What's up with that? One minute, it's," I love you, Reese" followed by FUCK YOU!

I haven't been to his house since I left.
I make it a point to stay away. I just work. Because what else do I have?
My son is away with his dad. My best friend is starting a new family.
And well, everyone else has a LIFE except ME. I don't want to date.
And it's even hard for me to get out and enjoy myself. While I appreciate being noticed for the few pounds I've lost during this transition,
I'm lonely.

I've organized my poetry book. I'm happy with it. I started on getting my blog together a few months ago, but I stopped because I felt like it was missing something... an ending. So, I'm content on having my poetry book published for now.

I love him. It hurts so bad that I cannot even cry anymore. The fights are
endless and honestly pointless. He told me today, "Who cares who's right
or wrong? I don't, I'm tired of fighting!" It's the first thing he's said in a long time that I agreed with.
I can't make his wrongs right or vice versa. This is my fault...It's me. I need validation. Revenge.

Something to make ME feel just. I just CAN'T MOVE ON.

Or can I, but refuse?

I asked him to make a decision today and while I ranted and raved about past events I cannot change I heard him CLEARLY when he said,"Cherise, I don't want to be with you".................. Well, Aaron, neither do I.

I know they say time heals all pain. I've been here once before.
I guess this time around I need to try a different angle.

Single. The games begin.

2006-07-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I'm real new to this single stuff. Honestly, I don't
even feel like I'm single. I still see Aaron from time to time.
We are working on this friend thing. I live alone. And yes I'm lonely
as hell, but I deal with it. I have my pc and my TCM (turner classic
movie channel) and I'm good. It helps that I am right near the
beach because I love to go walking. (Although my schedule has caused
a bit of conflict in that department) Anyhow, there is this GUY.
A guy I have known for about 4 years. I won't bust him out because I
actually LIKE him, for whatever that's worth! LOL

Lately we've been speaking via texts,e-mails and phone. We talk
about everything. He is a very nice man and has a good head on
his shoulders. BUT he asked me to borrow $100 yesterday.
I mean, I haven't even SEEN him in over a year. So what would
make him think I would give him a $100 bucks. I would give
Teej $100 bucks before him and he is 2000 miles away/LMAO.
My point in saying this is why would he even consider asking me.
WE TALK about EVERYTHING. He knows I just moved. He knows I'm a single
mother. He knows I just bought a new vehicle. So Why in his right
mind would he think I have an extra $100 bucks? It truly makes
me question his integrity. I mean come on, we haven't seen each
other in a year. And it's not like I have spent this mass amount
of time with him when I was in Vegas (oops just gave it away lol)
but even so, I thought it was pretty inconsiderate and very poor
judgement. I look at him totally different and find myself uninterested
in getting to know him now.

I could be totally WRONG about this, but this is just my opinion:
Men should not ask women to borrow money. At least a woman, whom u
barely know or a woman that is NOT directly related to you. It's
not very classy at all.

My first night without him...

2006-07-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

Well, everything is moved. I spent the entire day unpacking what
I could to give myself "something" to do. The apartment is
coming along great! It was weird, being there alone, with only the
sounds of my thoughts and sometimes my heartbeat as I made my
way up and down the stairs. I felt so... satisfied. I felt like I
belonged at this place.. at this moment and everything I've been
through brought me right back to where I started 10 years ago.
I believe this is called Full Circle.

After a day of unpacking and shopping I was exhausted. The
best thing about being in my own apartment again is
being naked. (lol Teej) Of course, I can only do this when
my son is not home, but for now he is away with his father, so
I can perform cartwheels naked if I want. LOL
I took a long, hot shower and boy that felt great!! I just walked around
naked all night.. lol and I LOVED IT... I fell asleep around
10:30 and I thought I would be a little scared my first night...
Who am I fooling? I was! I slept with my hammer and the living room
dimmer lights on.. lol.. but when I woke up this morning
I was refreshed. When I came into work, people noticed the
difference. I had time to get everything done I needed.
I even put my make-up on.. lol
I got the through the first night, now I just have to get
through the rest of my life.

P.S.
I'm sorry I didn't get to see my friend this weekend.( Teej)
But I'm sure he understands that I had a huge agenda that
needed to be accomplished. Just think, next time he comes he
can stay with me.. ;)
And speaking of friends, I have one that lives about 9 minutes
away ( I timed it) and I haven't seen her in like 2 weeks..
lOL umm hmmm

Consumed.

2006-06-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

I believe he hates me.
Maybe I am too consumed with my own pain and
blame to understand why.
IT could be my doing because I know being me is hard
enough, I can't imaging being WITH ME.
Who am I fooling?
I purposely hurt him at times because I have been hurt too many times.
I have too many memories of pain. Resentment.
I haven't forgiven him nor myself.
Excuses!
His hands find his way around my neck all
too often, as do the sick obscenities that
escape his mouth.
It's my fault.
I'm still Trying to hold on.
Loving him.
Plotting.
The closer it gets to my departure I'm
less of a person; I feel...nothing
I'm numb actually.
I can't believe it's over.
For good this time.
that's what he SAYS anyway.
and why should I care if he's so bad anyway.
I will tell you why
Love is selfish, vindictive,vengeful
and pretends to give hope.
IT's all a lie.
Now i understand why...
He hates me.

Embarking on NEW adventures...

2006-06-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I have an apartment.
And the feeling is definitely bittersweet.
I'm scrared to leave.
I'm angry at myself for continuing to love him;
for believing in him and hoping for him.
I realize,however, I need to do this, not only for myself, but for my child.
I have to say, I'm not a big fan of change. In fact, I loathe it.
But change is necessary for growth and
although my heart still has many strings attached,
my mind is in complete control.

I will be totally moved in by Sunday July 2nd. It's a quaint,interesting
little apartment. I believe I will enjoy living there.

My son the graduate... When did my baby grow up?

2006-06-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

I remember the exact moment my son came into the world.
June 27,1995 at 1:31am... Long beach community Hospital...
I was 19. scared. ..cold.. and in a lot of pain. I was also
thristy as hell. (lol) After 23 hours in labor HE was finally here. My baby boy.
He was blue. I remember the doctors working on him... he wasn't breathing.
Then he took his first breath.. and I heard him cry.
They wrapped him up and brought him to me with the funniest looking
hat on... Even then he had his own personality..
He looked up at me with one eye open and smiled.
I knew this was MY child.

I remember looking him over... trying to find anything
thing I could that would tie him to me. So far, he had
a chubby,little face and his father's nose. He didn't have
much hair or any eye-brows. I looked him over several times and
then I noticed his hands. They were just like mine. The lines
ran along his tiny hand in an exact replica of my own.
I never loved anyone the way I loved this baby.

I took him home one week later and I held him all the time. I loved
this little person that was an extension of myself. My baby. My love.
I would tell him everyday, "I love you more than the whole wide world!"
He was amazed with me even when I was less than thrilled with myself.
I remember holding him in my arms and telling him, one day
you will be too big for me to hold.. one day you won't want
to be in my arms... one day you will go on your own..

(Today happened to be "One Day")

Soon after... time transformed my helpless little soul into a playful,
energetic child. He grew in leaps and bounds and now here I sit,
watching my baby make his transistion into adolesence. I want to
cry, but I'm so proud of him. He's come a long way through all of
our trials and tribulations growing up together. Essentially,
he's been my best friend. At the end of the day when I'm sad,
abused, mean, happy, or tired.. I'm still just mom and he loves
me no matter what. I haven't always been my best and I know this,
but I love that boy... More than he knows and more than I will
ever understand.

Something I wrote for Teej that I thought I would share...

2006-06-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

Are we sharing the same soul Teej?
Seems like all too often we have the same feelings and thoughts.. at the same time.. I guess because we grind and mix with the same kind, but that could be just me... talking.. as usual.. as always,talking.. but today i'm listening to my friend, the charming, ever so silly and always SPREADING the L-O-V-E, friend. And you my dear, have a love too thick to be spread so thin.. LOL
I want to kiss you on the forehead and tell you it's ok, that I know in my heart.. it's going to get better ONE DAY.. and what the fuck does that mean anyway, because all i can see so far is how hard L-I-F-E has become... for me, you, our people and all the bullshit we see on T.V.... I fucking HATE BET! And the radio just isn't for Reese. One more thing before I go... although we are what, 2000 miles away.. i'm forever your friend, in every possible way.

Love, Reese

Thank you with no but's

2006-06-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

From me to you.. All my thank you's without all the but's. I heard you.

Thank you for all the dinner's I never ate

Thanks for the bubble baths that were still hot after a long day at work

The long walks in the park

All the times you provided me with advice I was too stubborn
to take

Thanks for the nights you helped my son with his homework

Thanks for the time you let me throw a tatrum and gave me my way

Thanks for the love that I never had before

Thanks for listening to all of my stories 20xs over again

Thanks for wiping my tears when I cried

Thanks for moving my furniture whenever I decided I wanted to move

Thanks for not killing me when I bashed you in the head with the glass
candle

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to carry your children

Thanks for giving me a home

Thanks for staying by my side

Thanks for making me realize that I am more important
than any man....

Life as Myself...

2006-05-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

I know it's been way too long since I've jotted any personal
feelings down in my blog. Truth is, seems I've been hesitant.
I was trying to maintain some type of positive elements in my life.
I don't ALWAYS want to continue to write about my spiraling pain
that continues to go nowhere. I'm at a cross roads today. My relationship
is over. I'm sorely depressed and desperately trying to hold onto to
anything that means love. It feels horrible to go through this. It feels
like my life is over. Understandably, there are people in my life that
have assured me this is not true. And I know I am not the only woman
or person in the world to have pain, but it sure feels like it when
you're experiencing it. Everyday that I remain in his house life gets
worse. I'm reminded of his disgust and lack of respect for my person.
He plays cruel games with my heart pretending that we will be ok,
only to revoke any hope of reconcile. And frankly, I should want out.
But there is a definite sadness in my soul. A feeling that I will never
marry, never have another child and worst of all never love again.

Soon enough I will be moving out.. Most likely in the next 2 months.
Maybe that will help.

Just when you thought people couldn't get any Stranger...

2006-05-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

Last night, while relaxing on the biggest day of my life (LMAO) the news came
on with this breaking story. Not only was it strange, but borderline hilarious.
A man was going around Orange County licking little boys feet. Ok, we KNOW he is
definitely strange, but what little boy lets a grown man lick their feet?
And furthermore, how does that conversation come about? They showed his mug shot
and Aaron and I could barely hold it together. We laughed so hard.
He deserves to be in jail for this one, but I really think he needs some
psychological help!

Please read for more laughter!

Transient accused of licking boys' feet

By CINDY CARCAMO
The Orange County Register

Steve Jones

A transient who reportedly licked the feet of five boys in San Clemente and Dana Point faces multiple counts of child molestation, the Orange County District Attorney's Office reported Tuesday.

Steve Michael Jones, 43, passed himself off as a television producer and tricked the boys into letting him lick their feet, Senior Deputy District Attorney Mike Fell said.

Jones could spend 16 years in prison if convicted of five felony counts of lewd acts on a child under the age of 14 and one misdemeanor count of child annoyance.

Jones is accused of making explicit sexual statements to a boy under the age of 14 at a Carl's Jr. restaurant in San Clemente on Sept. 7.

Nearly seven months later, he approached several boys at a park near the Dana Point Library and licked the feet of four boys under 14, Fell said.

On April 13, he came across a trio walking barefoot in San Clemente and licked the bottom of one boy's feet, Fell said.

Anyone with information is asked to call (714) 347-8794.

Who the hell thought this guy was a TV Producer! LMAO

The day before I grew up. What I learned.

2006-05-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

So today is my official last day as a 20something. It feels weird. Actually, I think my body is literally fighting this change as we speak. LOL I have been sick for the last 3 weeks. Just last Wednesday I was diagnosed with Tonsilistis...that spread into my ear...which has taken away part of my hearing for the time being. I have been on 5 antibiotic treatments... I've suffered sleepless nights with high fevers and excessive coughing... Guess what! I'm still turning 30 tomorrow. LMAO I've fought with this for last 15 years... As a matter of fact, I remember turning 15
years old and thinking to myself..."15 more years to go until I'm old"
Seems funny now. I had a list of things I wanted accomplished by the time I was
30. I wanted to be married, have a home, a great career. Unfortunately, they forget to teach Real World 101 in High School. You have your whole life ahead of you is the most over-rated statement ever used! I used to hear it more often when I first turned 18 and it really got on my last nerve.. I don't hear it so much now... LOL

The Big 30 May 16,2006

I thought it would feel different somehow. It doesn't. I still feel exactly the
same as I did when I turned 18 (with the exception of the not so flat stomach)
or when I turned 21 (but I'm not so reckless in my decision making) or even when I
turned 25 (but I'm more grounded)... I think I get this age thing now. When I look
in the mirror I don't see an older woman. I still see Cherise. No wrinkles or lines
or anything that I expected to see at 30. I used to have this mental list of what
I was supposed to have by 30. I realize how seriously unrealistic that list was.
The house, the career, the Husband.... may very well be a part of my FUTURE, but
real life requires real goals. It's ok that I don't have this make believe
important career. I have a really good job, that pays well. My writing is coming
along and I know I will be published by the end of this year. My son is growing
up to be a most interesting person. He's the innocence that was lost in me.
I'm ok in an apartment with a view of the sky. LOL The house will come soon enough.
Yes, I could have made better choices when I was growing up, but we live and we learn. I'm grateful to be here. Breathing. Able to make better choices in my future.

Happy 30th Birthday, Cherise.
You EARNED it.

My love is your love and so on...

2006-05-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

"Somebody once said we never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough"
Billie Holiday

I was going to add on to this, but I figured the quote said it all.

New car.. New Haters... Hey what's new.

2006-05-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

I bought a new car on Friday. It was my 30th birtday present to myself. I've had plenty of cars.. new, used ... but none were in my name. About 18 months ago, I had an issue where my 2004 Maxima was taken... I could only get financed for 2003 Ford Taurus... I hated it! Absolutely hated it! But I sucked up my materialistic ways and did right by it.. I paid my notes on time, ahead of time with the hopes of building my damaged credit. ( Due to my ignorance and negligence of my credit in my early 20s)

Anyhow, all my efforts paid off. I have a much higher credit score. And I now own a 2006 Impala. I love it! Many didn't seem too pleased. Jealousy sucks ****!. It's ok. I know I DESERVE this! I earned it and I feel like I earned it.. Honestly, it feels great.. So here's to turning 30, and speeding past the slow cars in the fast lane! LOL

Design of a Decade

2006-04-27T13:56:00.001-07:00

As my 20s come winding to an end, I've begun to reflect on the good and bad experiences I've encountered. I have to say, It hasn't been too bad of a ride. I've met some interesting people. Made lots of friends that I was able to share exciting adventures with. I've laughed and cried....Learned and moved past many obstacles. Some people are long gone... other's are newly found. I can't complain. For every not so great experience, I've 50 that were the highlight of one particular year. I've had the priviledge to grow up with my child and relate to him in a way most parents can't. I've always looked at 30 with such dread and I don't know why. Maybe it's the anticipation of wrinkles or old age or it could be the symbolism of impending adulthood... like, "Hello You're really grown up now!" Our 20s are always associated with youth and vitality, while anything above 30 is considered aged and worn. Why does society put so much emphasis on youth? Don't most things get better with time? Well, May 16th is around the corner.. and I plan to jump into my 30s with avengence! This decade is going to be my ME decade.. All about ME!

What's happening....

2006-04-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week for me. I have to say that it started out pretty damned good until Wednesday, when the virus attacked my system. I have several problems with my sinus this time of year, so it's normal for me to have the sneezing and runny nose. Oh no! This was totally different! Not only did I have a runny nose, clogged sinus pressure building up in head, I had a full fledged FEVER of 101.4. Needless to say, I spent the day in bed yesterday. Today is no better, I'm here at work...feeling worse. I had a fever earlier and I have been dizzy throughout the day. My desk consists of various ailment products.. Carmax, for my chapped lips and sore upper lip( which is bright red;just call me ruldoph!) Water, vegetable juice, chicken brother, advil, alavert and several tissues. I'm a walking virus! How much mucus can possibly be in my nose? LOL Well, I'm toughing it out. I already lost one day of pay, no need to lose anymore. Not to mention, these customer's have been real jerks today. Good thing they are on the phone.. otherwise, I may not have a job. I swear, sometimes people are real jerks. Take for instance, Mr.Smith (let's just call him that) He calls, well his wife calls and he is talking in the background. They have a 2005 Pilot and need help with their Navi System. I could tell by their voice and tone they were definitely Senior Citizens. He gets upset with me because he can't understand how to work the Navi.. I try again and again to explain (even I don't understand what the hell he is saying) Finally he gets pissed and hangs up on me.

* The Weekend*

Long, boring.. slept most of the time.

Weekend Wonderland...

2006-04-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

I had a very active weekend. Saturday I went out clubbing.
I actually had a great time. Downtown Long Beach is a wonderful
place to hang out... there is a vast amount of clubs, bars and
lounges to choose from. This was the first time in a long time
that I stayed until the club closed. I had a few drinks, a lot
of dancing... then we headed to breakfast. By the time I got
home it was near 5 am... Sunday I slept in until Noon. Aaron and I
were invited to his Mom's for Easter. We headed there late in the
afternoon. It was cool. I'm not really into sitting at strange
people's homes, but I had an ok time.

Later on we went to Long Beach and rented bikes. We rode
down the coast for about an hour. Afterward, we took a stroll
down the boardwalk eating hot dogs and funnel cakes.
It was pleasant considering all the drama as of late.
I enjoyed his company. I guess we are trying to make the
best of a bad situation. I will be moving soon into my
own apartment... Hopefully sooner than later. I can't say
if we will be together or not. It's been a long road
and I believe that I've reached the crossroads... time
for some diffult choices, but I'm confident I can make the
right decision.

Hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend!

R U still Down?

2006-04-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so as of late I've been really trying to get it
together emotionally. Usually I write about whatever
is going on, come back and read it.. which helps
me put it all into perspective. SOMETIMES. LOL
Yesterday didn't start off too swell (aye) but, like
my girl Shamika says,"It is what it is, move on!"
So I did...

I went to Watts to get my hair braided. Ok, now I live in
Compton, which is the city directly connected to Watts.
But for ANYONE whom is from Southern Cali, they know what
I mean when I say,.. Watts AIN'T the business! LOL It's
only a few square blocks, but in those streets are lurking
dangers that only occur in Watts. Especially since it is the
Home to some of the Notorious Projects, The Jordon Downs,
(Menace ll Society) The Nickerson Gardens (Boys In the Hood)
and the Imperial Courts (WHERE I USED TO GET BEAT DOWNS LOL)
It's safe to say that I wasn't too ecstatic to roll thru
the hood with my limo tinted windows... :)

Anyhow, I mustered up all my courage and began my journey.
It was raining, but I kept one window down just so THEY
could see me... THEY, meaning any suspecting gang member
that may mistake me for someone attempting a drive by.
Yes! it's that REAL! By no means am I scared of my own
people, but I've been shot at, seen friends/family
die in these streets and I AM scared to get my head
blown off!! Well, it took me about 10 minutes to get
to my destination from my house. I pulled up to a single
house that sat directly across from the JD's (refer to Project
names above) there is a subway that runs thru every 15 minutes
which makes it pretty annoying and loud. I get out and walk into
the house. First thing I noticed was there was no door handles
on the door. Instead some type of rag was put thru the door
hole to keep it shut and then a replica doberman pitcher statue
was placed in front of the door to hold it closed.. Ok, I thought.
When I walked in I tried not to look around too much. There
was a lot going on in there. Leopard couches, the infamous
wicker fans hanging on the wall... 3 entertainment centers.. all
with various knick knacks... It looked like a Sanford and Son Musuem.
then I smelled the faint aromaof marijuana. Coming from one of
the rooms in the back of the house, I heard an older voice,
probably "granny" (I assumed such because one of the girls said,
"Granny is gonna fuck you up for lighting that Blunt in here)
yelling out random phrases, directed to various people in the house!

I got situated and took a seat in the dining room chair,
which was placed in the center of the cluttered
living room. The braider began to section my hair and ask
me what kind of style I wanted. I explained and she started
the four house task. While sitting there I witnessed a typical
day in Watts. . .

There were 3 babies, a 2 yr old boy, 1yr old girl and a 9 month
old baby boy. The 2yr year had corn rolls and a gold bracelet on,
not much else. He came running out of the room and went straight
for my purse! The girl braiding my hair said,"Stinky butt put her
purse back!" he replied, "Shut up punk!" and ran away. I just
sat there...

Now the girl braiding my hair was no more than 19. She introduced me
to her uncle, who was about 26. He immediately informed me he was a
Pimp. He pulled out money and threw it all over the floor to imply
he was paid. I was slightly amused, but more annoyed that he kept
taking pics of me with a stolen camera phone (he stole from a trick)
and demanded I give him my number. I'm no one to argue with a gansta
and certified PIMP, so I gave him A NUMBER... LOL He continued on
about what a big, sexy girl I was..careful not to be confused with
FAT... LOl I mean, I am a big gurl. I am 5 foot 10 and a solid 190.
After about an hour of being harrassed and granny screaming from
the back,"Leave that Gurl alone, MAN MAN!", he retreated to the BACK HOUSE,
but that didn't prevent him from asking one more time can he kiss
me on the cheek... ( oh I was flattered )

Two hours into braiding my hair and several laughs in my head later,
we were joined by 2 other young men. One was very handsome and all of
19.. he came on with a subway sandwhich and a bag of weed. While he
was rolling his blunt he asked me about 3 times if I smoked. Everytime
I repeated, "NO!" His friend was a young man about 20. He was going on
about the 5 children he has by 5 different GIRLs with 2 more
on the way. HE was a stocky boy with short corn rolls. Lots of blinging
cubic zurconia going on.. LMAO. They began smoking and needless to say
they were forcefully pushed into another room by my faithful admirer, whom
deemed their act disrespectful to me (his girl as he referred to me).

By this point I'm ready to go. Not because I was uncomfortable.
Simply because I was tired of looking at the same roach crawl
on the wall in between the wicker fans. My butt hurt and my head
was throbbing...I remember when I was growing up this was a
similar lifestyle.I stayed with various people and encountered
some of the same situations....Sitting there I felt out of place.
Like a ghost watching. I felt sorry a bit because this was the
stereo typical assimilation of our lifestyle in the ghetto. I wished
I could tell them something profound.But I didn't know where to begin.
I'd come from similar backgrounds,yet I was able to rise above and
move on...so far on that I'd forgotten that I lived with roaches once
and my daddy used to sit me on his lap while he smoked his "pot" in the
big, blue bong, I'd thought was a toy. There were many amusing points of
this story, but the moral of it all is,NEVER FORGET WHERE YOU COME FROM BECAUSE
YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU WILL HAVE TO GO BACK.

When I walked down the battered walkway to my car, I glanced back
at the shabby house with the wet couch sitting in the front yard...
I smiled. I understood.

"I get so Lonely".... and more importantly!

2006-04-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

"Everytime I hear that song, it reminds me of the first
girl who ever loved me. Her name was Denise. She was
from Belize and astonoshingly beautiful.I remember watching
her in my car,wind blowing in her hair...while the sun beamed down
on her dark-chocolate skin creating a glow around her.. as if
she were an angel. Me,with all my self conscious insecurities,
held back my true feelings. She never knew I loved her.
She never knew I admired her. I wish I could tell her today.
Maybe I wouldn't have let her get away. We shared such a deep
connection. It was as if she could read my thoughts.
When she gazed into my eyes I could see her sadness...
Her pain from her past sat there in her eyes.

Denise loved that song "I get so Lonely",by Janet. It was her
SONG! LOL She would jump in my then, 87 Maxima and turn
it up so loud... she would play it over and over again.
I enjoyed watching her sing.. she would lean over
and touch my thigh and say,"You're so beautiful, Cherise
Why can't you see that?". I never had an answer and 9 years
later... I still don't. But I still ...Get so lonely."

(an excerpt from my Heart)

More importantly.....

AS openly as I've expressed myself here on my blog,
I feel I haven't been as honest as I could be.
I need a moment...

I've listened to your concerns and advice...
even if I may have not applied them to my life.
I 've searched,plotted, planned and schemed for a way
into true loves soul.

I've lost.
Everything that I'd hoped to find or gain has
all been deemed a big mistake.
One that I take full responsibility for.

I've often wondered when the end is really the end.
Well, I think I know... now.
I could chaulk this up to simply being a life lesson...
something to learn and grow from.

Unfortunately, my heart doesn't agree. It still loves
although it's broken. It still beats in seperate pieces
longing for someone to put it back together.

Maybe, I'm a hopeless romantic who is truly HOPELESS.
I'm not strong enough to walk away and I'm not strong
enough to say I've had enough.

Instead I subject myself to horrific ridicule and
disespect all in the name of love.

I know this is NOT love.
I'm not sure If I ever will KNOW love... again or
if I have.

Maybe love has simply been an actor in my drama called
life. *Sigh*

I know I've said it before.. but I will reinterate once
more.. You can't force love!

I feel as if I've wasted 4 1/2 years of my life.
I'm drained.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm still in love.
Empty...
I'm alone inside. What a beautiful facade on the outside.

When I look in the mirror. I never Look back.

My yada yada yada list....

2006-04-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

1.Work is good
2.a refreshing change
3.My son's father is back
4.I'm happy for my son
5."Dear Daddy, My Mommy can't be my Daddy TOO!"
6.A sign I read
7.Makes Sense
8.Bought my first Nikki Giovanni Book of Poems
9.Love it! Love it! Love it!
10.Haven't decided which one is my fav
11."Life Cycles" is good. So is "Lonely"
12.I may do a list with just Nikki Quotes
13.Bought a book called, "Mixed"
14.Excellent
15."I'm light skinned & Devastated"
16.LOL I totally related to ALL of her experiences
17.Angela Nissel is definitely my new fav Author
18.Even if you're not mixed,this is a MUST read!
19.Shopping has become my new therapy
20."Don't even waste your tears on that insensitive man!"
21.I've learned to just let it go.
22.We had breakfast yesterday
23.More games, more drama
24.If I knew then what I know now...
25.I'd be a Virgin!
26.Better believe
27.Matters of the heart can make or break your soul
28.Guess What?
29.I found my best friend!!
30.Her name is Shamika
31.She was all I had when I was a teenager
32.A lot has changed!
33.But the dynamics of the friendship remain the same
34.It's amazing how 10 years can pass
35.But your bond as a friend remains the SAME
36.We've hung out...she's been my savior
37.Especially in the midst of drama
38.We both came from the same background
39.I'm so PROUD to see her doing so well
40.and what a beautiful daughter she has!
41.Where the hell is Teej?
42.I have called him SEVERAL TIMES
43*Shakes Head* Umm hmmm
44.Guess I need to call the Hotel :)
45.Dee-Dee hows life?
46.Brea, Thanks for keeping tabs on me
47.I need that
48.Princess, I'm almost done !:)
49.I'm so glad it's Spring
50.The sunshine brightens my day!

Evolving Realm... change is the only constant!

Tis the season...

New Beginings

Simple Minded, simply put; Women vs Girls

EXcerpts from Love

A liar’s symphony

Time alone

The joy of my soul...My pregnancy

Main Chick Blues.. a poem for you

Me and my bright ideas

10 WEIRD things about me ( as if there's only 10)

So many questions..... no answers.

I’m soooo E mo SHUN nal

My Thoughts

Fuck Nancy Grace....

He's my smile

Look at all these rumors...surrounding me everyday....

Enough is enough!

More poetry...

Paris,Stop crying and suck it up like the rest of us!

The dinner....

My Poetry.....

A little love letter.... ?? or NOT

Ok Black People!

I'm too PHAT for a swimsuit list.....

Him and I

Birthday Blog...

It's that time of year again? AGAIN? yes, again!

Does it EVER end?

The "He said WHAT" list

And the award for best actress goes to....

The Teej and Risha WTF is going on list......

You reap what you sow... A lesson in Love.

The circle of Life

The Woman I am?

Got damned Gary Brown and the rest of dem Browns.. Bobby Included!

Why the aren't I asleep?

Why the aren't I asleep?

the what the hell was i was thinking list

For you.. The love of my life.

IF there was another way to love you....

I think you're FUCKING pathetic!

Observations.. What I see

A day in the life of Reese....

Where is this going?

It's not you... it's me...

*Another End to another year and yet I get better list*

Ummm Hmmm...

Emotionally Challenged>Emoshunalee Chalungd

Here I go again.

I can't make this shit up yo!

1day down... forever to go!

Ugly people.

It all comes back to love...

It all makes sense!

And she breathes again!

FU Ck you... unconditional love!

Weekend blues....

I said I wouldn't, but what the hell?

Halloween Hypocrites...

What's happening?

Broken lines of communication

Skeletons in the closet

Wine, Jazz and crying don't mix...

Hooray for Friday!! And other misc. Capers!

Guess who this is for... here we go again!

Hostile work environment

Another sob story....

"And when we had our 1st kiss.. it happened on a Thursday...."

The I can't sleep, wtf list...

for him... who keeps me flying high

...Why do I ?

I can't even make this SHHH up LIST and other shit

The weeks trauma's and other misc. drama...

Work it out Reese!

I'm Just Reese...

The Wednesday, (Blah blah Blah) Middle of the week list

The overdue "Weekend" list

Black Panther vs Uncle Tom

Midnight Madness...

Another End to another year and yet I get better list